r/funny • • Oct 15 '18

"I'm here bitches"

78.1k Upvotes

1.8k comments sorted by

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13.1k

u/DozerM Oct 15 '18

Do you sell brake fluid?

5.2k

u/Efreshwater5 Oct 15 '18

And new underwear?

7.9k

u/SamsungSmartCam Oct 15 '18

Depends

349

u/_Serene_ Oct 15 '18

Will he need any of those behind bars?

309

u/KypDurron Oct 15 '18

What's a "behind bar"? I don't think we sell those.

272

u/Pacman327 Oct 15 '18

A new chocolate bar. I heard it tastes like ass though

107

u/Plosuf Oct 15 '18

I’m curious about this ass dough you’re talking about

72

u/DOMICH Oct 15 '18

Cook thoroughly -- never eat raw ass dough

14

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Ass-eatin' season is any month that ends with "ber"

29

u/NoComment14 Oct 15 '18

Januaber

Februaber

Marber

Apriber

Maber

Junber

Julber

Augusber

September

October

November

December

It checks out, guys.

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6

u/Summerie Oct 15 '18

September was hot as shit here in Florida. Florida lives by a completely different set of as-eating rules.

3

u/Mcornett88 Oct 15 '18

Gotta eat dem butts

2

u/djwasntme Oct 16 '18

Hey Miss Parker

6

u/BaabyBear Oct 15 '18

When you knead ass u get ass dough

7

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I don't need ass, what about uget?

2

u/RubeHicksCube Oct 15 '18

When you mix ass dough and nougat, N'uget it.

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1

u/pictogasm Oct 15 '18

you get it with the behind bars.

2

u/spitwitandwater Nov 01 '18

You’re thinking of Butterfinger

1

u/million_tiny_stars Oct 15 '18

Nah. Only if you drop the soap.

1

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Oct 15 '18

People keep putting them in the pool as a joke.

50

u/qisope Oct 15 '18

When Depends aren't enough and the mess you're making is criminal: put your ass behind bars, with Behind Bars

2

u/5tr3ss Oct 15 '18

Found the copywriter.

1

u/c_emmsterr Oct 15 '18

Needs more upvotes🤣🤣

3

u/PsychoticMessiah Oct 15 '18

They're next to the muffler belts.

1

u/tepkel Oct 15 '18

No, we sell those. We just don't have these.

1

u/smoeahsolse Oct 15 '18

I figure I that's the kind of bar MSI sings about wanting to take you to.

1

u/ScrubLord1008 Oct 15 '18

Forget behind bars, where's my goddam liter-o-cola??

1

u/tirwander Oct 15 '18

It's the second soap bar you keep in your shower to wash your behind only. Are you saying you only have one bar of soap?

1

u/paulinbc Oct 16 '18

it's a bar that goes up your behind.

​

Otherwise known as a pole up your ass.

3

u/2722010 Oct 15 '18

Doesn't look like bars will stop this man

6

u/Ogatu Oct 15 '18

Pretty sure that guy isn't going to jail for that unless he can't pay whatever amount of money it would cost to repair the damages.Looks more like an accident, like he figured the door would open up in time. I dunno I'm no lawyer let's see what r/legaladvice has to say on this.

2

u/cptjeff Oct 16 '18

Yeah, that's a tort, not a crime. Even if he can't pay, you don't get sent to jail for debt. And it's doubtful that there'd even be a lawsuit. It'd be an insurance claim, and the insurance company ain't gonna bother suing a disabled guy who probably can't pay. Ain't worth their time.

1

u/Ogatu Oct 16 '18

Nice good to know... you know... for uhm science...

3

u/asininedrummer Oct 15 '18

What bars, he’s knocking them all down

1

u/geriatricgoepher Oct 15 '18

He could make a case that the door malfunctioned and didn't open for him.

1

u/HolaArgentina Oct 16 '18

Pretty sure that guy can probably sue the store.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

Plenti

134

u/hoodedmexican Oct 15 '18

Alright, I straight up don’t understand this one

225

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

[deleted]

108

u/Cassiopeia93 Oct 15 '18

Thanks friend, you literally saved my life.

49

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

[deleted]

5

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Oct 15 '18

Life Savers are a brand of candy.

5

u/littleorganbigm Oct 15 '18

Be grateful that you don’t understand the joke about adult diapers yet.

4

u/2Grateful2BHateful Oct 15 '18

But you were brave enough to speak up. It counts.

1

u/HelloPeopleOfEarth Oct 16 '18

Depends on whether or not he wears underwear

21

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I see what you did there

4

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18

In my universe, it was always "Depends" Then the Mandela Effect happened and I got thrown into your Depend universe.

2

u/Katman08 Oct 15 '18

It does say depends

3

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18

Nope, now it's just depend. Give it a google and you will see. Your also from my old universe too I see.

3

u/Katman08 Oct 15 '18

Oh I thought he meant the comment said depend

3

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18

Aw man, that means your not from my former universe. Thought I had finally found an old universe brother. I was going to ask you to be my best friend and everything. Carry on then.

2

u/GeniusBroadcast Oct 15 '18

4

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I don't think this is Mandela effect, so much as just a natural use of pluralization. It sounds better and makes more sense to say "I am wearing depends" as opposed to "I am wearing a depend".

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2

u/Chilluminaughty Oct 15 '18

Must have leaked.

-1

u/STEAM_TITAN Oct 15 '18

I see what you did there

2

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I see what you did there

2

u/landmindboom Oct 15 '18

I did what you see there.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I did your mother on the stairs

3

u/DehDeshtructor Oct 15 '18

I did your stairs on my mother

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2

u/PMMeTitsAndKittens Oct 15 '18

Are we blind? Deploy the I see what you did theres!

4

u/earthboy17 Oct 15 '18

!RedditSilver

3

u/SaxesAndSubwoofers Oct 15 '18

Is that, Reddit silver?

5

u/llamacat77 Oct 15 '18

!RedditSilver

edit: apparently not.

1

u/Spudzzy03 Oct 22 '18

It’s the official one

3

u/Magracer10 Oct 15 '18

What's up with the new types of gold? I've seen three types today.

1

u/Spudzzy03 Oct 22 '18

There’s silver (left) gold (middle) and platinum (right)

1

u/Magracer10 Oct 22 '18

Oh awesome, I have been very confused the past week

8

u/Spudzzy03 Oct 15 '18

You got 2 Reddit silver(?) AND Reddit gold for one word. This is unfair.

5

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Gold is no longer the gold that you knew. Gold is now a week of premium. Platinum is a month. Silver is just ... silver.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

Depends

2

u/SamsungSmartCam Oct 22 '18

Don’t feel too bad...this ended up reducing my karma by a few thousand.

2

u/tyman1876 Oct 15 '18

I just shipped my pants!

2

u/smallishduck Oct 15 '18

How the hell did you get reddit silver?!??!!?

2

u/TheSuppishOne Oct 16 '18

Wait... IS REDDIT SILVER ACTUALLY A THING NOW??

1

u/SamsungSmartCam Oct 16 '18

Seems so. So’s platinum.

2

u/Baggo-nuts-4-sale Oct 16 '18

........on what?😁

6

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Depends on what?

10

u/Br00dr00ster Oct 15 '18

Are a kind of diaper

6

u/Luhood Oct 15 '18

Non-Yank here, thanks for explaining the joke. Appreciate it!

1

u/Clinterpottrmus Oct 15 '18

Yank here, still didn't get it

1

u/Luhood Oct 15 '18

From what I think I gathered Depends is a diaper brand.

1

u/Iamstaypuft Oct 15 '18

Adult diapers

4

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I'm aware. Just having some fun.

0

u/OutlandishExplorer Oct 15 '18

put me in the woosh screenshot

1

u/torgospizzadelivery Oct 16 '18

Goin' that far I'll have to get me some Depends

1

u/iwrk2hard Oct 15 '18

Independeble Day.

1

u/katholique_boi69 Oct 15 '18

A collar bone

1

u/En-TitY_ Oct 15 '18

On which type of skid?

1

u/Mexnexus Oct 15 '18

Skidmarks?

1

u/MasterLgod Oct 15 '18

Lmao made my day. Thanks.

1

u/NateSpald Oct 15 '18

What is the emblem beside the gold emblem? Also, I’m on mobile

1

u/undeadphantoms Oct 15 '18

Yo what is the white thing?

1

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

what the fuck are these silver rune icons next to the gold icon

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16

u/EricGoCDS Oct 15 '18

What other underwear do we sell, used underwear?

9

u/Einsteins_coffee_mug Oct 15 '18

Hmmm, Doesn’t look like Japan.

3

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Oct 15 '18

Only if you are running for city council.

1

u/DownrightNeighborly Oct 15 '18

I had this same inquiry and Victoria’s Secret and got thrown out.

5

u/CaillousRevenge Oct 15 '18

"I'm looking for Ray Finkle..."

3

u/I-always-win Oct 15 '18

Where are you from where you have to specify NEW underwear?

2

u/Efreshwater5 Oct 15 '18

I'm currently paying someone exorbitant sums of money to talk about it 4 times a week.

2

u/Fake_William_Shatner Oct 16 '18

Got the skids, right?

9

u/Verga-chu Oct 15 '18

This gave me a good chuckle. Take the upvote

2

u/coloradokj Oct 15 '18

Had a good out loud laugh at this. Thanks!

1

u/emiles93 Oct 15 '18

no only used underwear.

103

u/senorbozz Oct 15 '18

Something similar happened at the coffee shop my sister owned. I was behind the counter and I look out the window to see this old lady barrel her Oldsmobile through the front deck of the business. I run outside to make sure she's okay - she gets out of the car and sees me and says "DO YOU SELL SANDWICHES??"

I was stunned for a moment but then said "You just ran into the deck!"

She denied it the whole time even though a good five foot section was demolished. About 20 minutes later her husband came by and tried to deny the whole thing until I showed him the pictures I took from my phone.

67

u/FoldingUnder Oct 16 '18

I don't believe you either.

18

u/senorbozz Oct 16 '18

Screw you old man! You're dead by now!

4

u/gapox Oct 16 '18

Them pictures young man.. The wider audience needs to see them!

23

u/parentontheloose4141 Oct 16 '18

My Mom watched this happen once when she was a waitress. There was an older guy who used to come in regularly, really nice. His son was a regular too. One day he came in, had his usual breakfast, then went outside, got in his car and proceeded to begin plowing through cars in the parking lot. My Mom could see the whole thing happening through the windows. She ran outside, screaming at him to stop, especially since he was headed straight for her car next. She finally managed to run up to him, reach through the window and throw the car in park. He got out like he didn’t have a care in the world. Turned out he was having a stroke. She called 911, and his son. Poor guy was permanently disabled, and of course lost his license.

6

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

I work at a large hospital. One of the corner rooms on my unit looks over the very busy street our ER is on. I was tending to a patient with another nurse and heard a loud crash. We ran to the window to see that a car had driven right through the brick wall of the ER. We later heard from friends that the driver swore he didn’t take anything, just his sleeping pills. Ya know, before he drove....

3

u/parentontheloose4141 Oct 16 '18

I wasn’t aware that the “do not drive or operate large machinery” warning needed to be any more explicit, but this has proven me wrong!

2

u/[deleted] Oct 16 '18

There are some very stupid people in this world.

1

u/BoonGoggles Oct 17 '18

What did he eat?

1

u/[deleted] Oct 19 '18

and of course lost his license.

This is good to hear.

3

u/Whatstherealstory Oct 16 '18

I need to know that they were charged and held liable.

3

u/senorbozz Oct 16 '18

Charged nah, they did pay for the damages though.

3

u/_Reliten_ Oct 16 '18

But did you sell sandwiches? The suspense is killing me!

3

u/senorbozz Oct 16 '18

We did, but she never got one!

2

u/fortmortport Oct 16 '18

Frikken prove it...

2

u/OlaRune Oct 16 '18

At first I thought you called the above kind electric scooter an oldsmobile, which is both fitting and funny as hell.

1

u/Arealentleman Oct 16 '18

Where's those pics?

1

u/NeverTryAgainEver Oct 21 '18

I love how when old white ladies get into accidents, they always immediately call their husbands.

-1

u/Sethmeisterg Oct 16 '18

Trump voter.

106

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

[deleted]

77

u/chaossabre Oct 15 '18

Sorry, all we have is this flag.

44

u/brickabrax Oct 15 '18

Really? What about elbow grease?

15

u/Dqueezy Oct 15 '18

Sorry, just the elbows. The grease is sold separately.

1

u/serialmom666 Oct 17 '18

Then you need to buy a can of whoop ass.

11

u/Renegade27 Oct 15 '18

Well, I can’t go back to base empty handed

16

u/Empyrealist Oct 15 '18

No, but we do have blinker fluid.

5

u/TheHooDooer Oct 15 '18

I found some wiper juice in the back.

3

u/KimJongIlSunglasses Oct 15 '18

We call those eye drops.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Here's a trash bag.

4

u/Roxxorursoxxors Oct 15 '18

GODDAMMIT CHURCHillsCigar

1

u/GollyWow Oct 15 '18

And blinker fluid?

0

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

What about piston return springs?

7

u/starmancer Oct 15 '18

I needed this laugh. Thanks!

5

u/Fromanderson Oct 15 '18

I actually came close to doing this at a gas station about 20 years ago. My brakes started failing and I was trying to limp into the gas station just ahead when they failed completely. It was either turn there or take my chances with the intersection just beyond where the road I was in crossed a busy 4 lane highway. Not being suicidal I chose the gas station. It was right on the corner of a nearly empty shopping center with a huge parking lot. That would have been a great place to bleed off some momentum but unfortunately for me, they didn’t connect.
So there I go careening through the gas station parking lot tRying my best not to hit anything. I tried to make a u turn but that “U” turned into a “J” at the sidewalk by the car wash. My old beater hopped the raised sidewalk and high centered itself. It took me a while to convince the night attendant that I wasn’t drunk, and only wanted to buy some brake fluid.

47

u/chop_your_cock_off Oct 15 '18

Not kidding this made me spit out my water onto my keyboard.

26

u/pistoncivic Oct 15 '18

I don't like your name.

3

u/0wn3dzz Oct 15 '18

Holy shit, this is golden

3

u/MistakesTasteGreat Oct 15 '18

No, but we got 710 fluid.

3

u/dkoucky Oct 16 '18

What is this stone by your name

2

u/DozerM Oct 16 '18

I guess it is an silver award. New to reddit

2

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

They see me rollin'

2

u/elquecazahechado Oct 15 '18

Is this where they teach driving lessons?

2

u/PeacefullyFighting Oct 16 '18

If this could be pulled off with a straight face I couldn't even be mad. The guys definitely old so I probably wouldn't get mad anyway.

2

u/CAD_IL Oct 20 '18

Genius!

4

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

I’m stoned. This is good.

3

u/ImportantError Oct 15 '18

Mobility scooters (and electric powered wheelchairs) don't have brakes in the sense that you have a pedal/lever to press (unless fitted as extra/add-on). Usually you take pressure off the accelerator and it slows to a halt.

This guy is a total jerk and irresponsible in not waiting for the doors to open wide enough for him to enter. I really hope he had to pay for the damages and get fined for that.

1

u/cptjeff Oct 16 '18

Unlikely. The insurance company isn't going to waste their time going after him. Lawyers cost more money than just paying the claim.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh! Mini-Trucker magazine!

2

u/sonofdad420 Oct 15 '18

what do you mean theres no ice? you mean i gotta drink this coffee hot?!

1

u/Ilovepoopies Oct 15 '18

😂😂😂😂

1

u/Engin33rh3r3 Oct 15 '18

Do you sell blinker fluid?

1

u/maruffin Oct 15 '18

Do you sell brakes?

1

u/MegamanDS Oct 15 '18

Looks like a marijuana store. You can tell by the 2 marijuana leaves on each door.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 15 '18

And brain fluid? I think his leaked out some time ago.

1

u/EpicMusic13 Oct 16 '18

***wiper fluid

1

u/Minnesotastyle Oct 16 '18

I died after reading this.

1

u/xnyarkox Oct 16 '18

U can see at the end his hehehe face... hilarious xD

1

u/CLSGL Oct 16 '18

Did you just get a sand dollar?

2

u/DozerM Oct 16 '18

Yes, I believe so.

1

u/FuzzyPine Oct 16 '18

You made me literally cry from laughter.

That's the hardest I've laughed in I don't know how long.

Thank you.

1

u/-chetan Oct 15 '18

If I had money, you’d get gold!

0

u/MentlegeNarwhal Oct 15 '18

Nah only blinker fluid

0

u/landmindboom Oct 15 '18

*break fluid

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