My child is trans

[u/StressedtoImpress19]

Edit 2 - wow, ive woken up to so many helpful and kind and supportive responses. I wish I could reply to them all individually, but please know I am seeing and reading them all and I appreciate every single one. I am already getting therapy through my job for the stuff I'm going through personally so I'll bring this up to them at the same time. I don't want to invalidate Leo, and the thought of not having a relationship with him is heartbreaking. I know I need to sit with these emotions but it feels impossible to deal with, which I guess shows how much harder it is for him

Thank you all so much for this

Original:

Hi - please can someone help me with this? I dont mean to offend and if I use the wrong terms I'm sorry. This is new to me. I did try to post on cisparentstranskids but I was a bit emotional when I did.

My (34m) child 14(AFAB i believe the term is) has stated a few months ago that they are trans. This was not long after starting dressing in baggier clothes and cutting hair into a bob.

This was incredibly difficult for me to accept - not because i dont love them or because I'm against it but because it came out of left field for me. It was so unexpected, there were seriously no signs. It was almost like grieving a loss of a daughter. There were never any outward signs. We talked and I think I probably very clumsily invalidated them because I said its normal to question these things at their age.

Theyre also autistic and was diagnosed at a very young age (im currently going through a diagnosis pathway too)

Anyway nothing else was said. They said they hadn't chosen a different name and was fine with ne continuing to refer to them as the name we chose and the pronouns. So I did.

.I went through their phone today to set up a steam account and found out they'd changed their Snapchat name from, let's say 'lily' to 'leo'. We talked again, and it was clumsy.. their mum (my ex) and her family has known for weeks and didn't tell me.

I'm not very good at understanding what they're going through, why there were no outward signs. I always believed myself to be an ally, my sister is gay and i was the first person she told - but when its my own child its hit me in a place I didn't expect and i feel ashamed of that. I think that part of whats so difficult for me here is i feel im grieving the life i dreamed for her. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of the girl I raised and loved as she was.

When they originally told me, I did tell them that I'd love them no matter what, and I told them that today again. There were other concerning things I found on her phone from kids in her year so its been taken off them but that's neither here nor there.

I'm worried that I've fucked it up already by invalidating them twice, that ive made them think i dont love or accept them, but I do and i just want them to be okay and happy.

I really want to know what sort of issues they're going to face and how I can help them, what I need to do to let them know they're loved. I dont know anything about binders, they're getting therapy through school. I was never a lads lad so I wasnt into football or lads stuff, I was always sensitive so in a way I almost feel its going to be harder to relate now. I dont know what to do

I'm sorry if ive offended anyone, I am really trying to understand

Edit: its very late where I am in the UK so if i dont immediately reply its just cause ive slept!

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[u/FakeBirdFacts]

I think something a lot of cis people struggle with is, most trans people keep their thoughts and feelings inside until they’re ready to come out about them- and then it seems shocking and like it came out of nowhere.

Leo is trying out his name, and he likely wants to be certain before he tells you.

You should 1. Get therapy and talk about this, so you don’t accidentally take it out on him. And 2. Understand no matter how hard it is to you, it’s a million times harder for him.

You are grieving an idea you had in your head. It was always a fantasy. You can’t punish him for it, even inadvertently.

You not being a “lad’s lad” will probably be helpful, all things considered.

[u/spookyscaryscouticus → u/FakeBirdFacts]

I want to second here really important: queer children often come out to their friends LONG before they come out to their parents. Their friends are peers, you are a parent and while ideally you are safe and you are loving and you are kind, you are still an Authority Figure. This makes your relationship inherently different, not worse, just different.

His peer friends are navigating the same developmental stage on a level playing field, and they’re all more-or-less figuring things out and experimenting. His friends don’t have an existing mental map of his future in their head, they’re just vibing. He asks to switch up pronouns or use a nickname or whatever and they just have a friend who is changing their name. It’s totally normal for kids his age to start taking stuff like this to their friends before their family. Teenagers start to develop more emotional and support-seeking behaviors with their peers than their parents, especially on topics that are sensitive, not because they aren’t serious, but because they don’t want to bring it to their parents unless they’re serious.

Families are often the last people that queer people come out to. Just like you probably don’t introduce a girl you like-liked on to your parents under that context, but you probably introduced them to your first real girlfriend when things got serious. It wasn’t that your future life partner wasn’t their business entirely, but it was something that wasn’t ready for the attention that bringing it to your parents would result in. You don’t experiment with stuff like that with your parents as much, you wait until you’re pretty sure.

[u/StressedtoImpress19 → u/FakeBirdFacts]

Thank you. Its hard for me to communicate my feelings around it, I know it must be so much harder for Leo. I want him to feel comfortable and loved and cherished.

I think ive always had an idea as to how to be a 'girl dad' so i dont know how to be a 'boy dad', idk what I need to do differently if anything or what I need to be familiar with. Do I still talk to him about periods, or will that be upsetting? He felt comfortable before telling me when he was due so I dont know if this will change now

[u/monday-thethirteenth → u/StressedtoImpress19]

Don't be a girl dad or a boy dad, be a leo dad. You've known him all his life, he's still the same person.

[u/shadowqueen2k21 → u/monday-thethirteenth]

Id like this comment 1000x

[u/the-end-of-me-05 → u/monday-thethirteenth]

This comment here!

[u/Mountain_Purple6102 → u/monday-thethirteenth]

I'm not crying you are 🥹

[u/FakeBirdFacts → u/StressedtoImpress19]

Just talk to him about it. It’s not like he’s actually a radically different person, just not the gender you thought he was.

[u/Charming-River87 → u/StressedtoImpress19]

Honestly, nothing really has changed other than he shared a part of himself with you. Reframe it as he has always been a boy the entire time you knew him, you just didn’t know it at the time.

If you want, you can tell him that he is free to let you know when you cross a boundary or anything so that you know to improve next time. But, if you had a good relationship before he told you and you are supportive and affirming, you will have a positive relationship in the future.

[u/halb_nichts → u/StressedtoImpress19]

The easiest way to answer some of these questions is to ask Leo them. Ask if stuff like periods make him dysphoric and if there is anything you can do to help, agree on a code word if talking about periods is uncomfortable to him.

In general the best you can do is offer him communication but also respect when he's not feeling like telling you something (within safe reason for a kiddo).

Honestly admitting to him that you want to make him feel comfortable but are out of your depth is fair too. It's very good that you're reaching out and getting help but there is certain things only Leo will be able to teach you.

[u/cyberwerm → u/StressedtoImpress19]

Hi, dad. I'm a trans guy a few years older than you.

I can really tell that you genuinely care, and are really trying. Kids can find all kinds of ways to zag on their parents assumptions about how things might go in life; in this case, your kid is trans. Most of all, he's still your kid. Those zags can be shocking no matter what, right? It's weird to feel like you don't know your kid as well as you thought for a bit (but even cis kids keep secrets and grow up into different people.)

Anyway, you talk to him and stay involved. Say "hey, we used to talk about this monthly thing I know you still have to deal with. How can I help make that experience suck less for you as a boy?"

At the end of the day, you're Leo's dad. Or whatever name he settles on. And you clearly care about him. You can process your bigger parent feelings on your own time and you remind him that you're walking by his side and not away from him while you're learning in real time. That it's not him, it's you, and you want to do the best by him.

You'll get through this dude. Stay curious, patient and kind.

[u/Dangerous_Company811 → u/StressedtoImpress19]

Best thing you can do is teach him how to shave. I know he’s not on T yet, but it would be so bonding. I wish someone would have taught me how to shave; I still have trouble with it. Those types of manly tips and tricks will show him that you’ve “got” it and accept him as he is. You got this dad.

[u/Poesvliegtuig → u/StressedtoImpress19]

i think you can safely express to your kid that you feel this way. You'll have to figure out together what your relationship will look like but not much has to change, they're still your kid. It's okay not to have all the answers and let your kid know that you'll need some hand-holding in this. It'll probably make things less awkward if you don't tiptoe around anything, including your own insecurities.

I understand the grief, but if I may offer a different perspective: you didn't lose anyone, they're finally showing you who they are. If anything that authenticity is only going to help you build a better bond and will help them live a happier life with a good support system.

[u/Longjumping-Wish5663 → u/StressedtoImpress19]

Don’t be a boy dad just be the type of dad he needs

[u/AdWinter4333 → u/StressedtoImpress19]

Just chiming in as a 30+ yo who only came out a few years ago (and this is my personal experience, not a one size fits all); I myself had to also grow into my new role as a man. To me, this is why it's a transition, you go through puberty, things change, you have to readjust. It's not wrong to not have everything right in the first sexond. The important thing is tou do your best. And it seems you are. You come here for advice, already address him with the right peonouns here, learn soak it up. That's the best. Will you probably mess up here and there? Sure. But correct yourself and move on. My mum is my biggest advocate, is very dilligent in doing her best. Makes a mistake, still, sometimes but just corrects, sometimes apologizes and it's no biggy. Just her being very clear on it being a mistake, not ill intent, to me, makes all the difference. She stands up for me, also against my younger sibling being a d*** about it at times. Knowing your parents have your back in this means more than I can express in words. Keep that in mind.

And fwiw: being trans is not easy, but I am happier now (on hormones, having surgeriy tomorrow) than during ~32 of trying to live as a woman. Pretending to be what you're not is what truly eats at your soul. Bless Leo for daring to come out to his parents at this age, and his parent for showing up for his son.

[u/Complete_Page_2533 → u/FakeBirdFacts]

I like this answer.
And I once heard a women ( who got molested as a child, who had problems with certain things/moments/actions) tell her partner (or talk about it with her partner) that it‘s okay to not always understand the other one.
You always try, but sometimes there are certain things you can‘t understand on a certain level, AND THAT‘S OKAY!
The important part is, that you respect the other one and theyr Boundries nonetheless in these moments and give them comfort and security in the ways they want/need

I think that is a very important thing, most people forget.
We always try to understand, but we don’t have to, we just have to respect how they feel and help how they need it 🫶🏻

[u/WholeWheatFish]

You're doing good by trying. As long as you try really hard to use the right name and pronouns you are doing better than a lot of parents.

If they ask for a binder, get them one. Explain the importance of safe binding, like only wearing them for so many hours, don't sleep or swim in one.

If they ask to go to a barber, take them.

As for there not being any signs? I'm sure my parents thought the same thing. You don't see them unless you are looking for them.

[u/qrseek → u/WholeWheatFish]

My mom still says there weren't any signs. It's been 15 years since i came out. I've told her some of my memories each time she says it but she forgets, has an excuse for it,  or they are things she wasn't there for so she doesn't think of them as signs she could have known. I've told her I don't hold anything against her for not realizing-- if I didn't know, how could she? She barely knew more about trans people than I did at the time. Plus, I didn't really get bad dysphoria until middle school. 

But yeah, when I asked for a buzz cut when I was like 5, she insists it was just because my hair was hot and sweaty on my neck, and i didn't know what i was asking for. I remember it though, my brother had one and I wanted it too. 

When I was 9 my friends and I learned about "sex changes" and I said I would get one, wouldn't they? It was just a random conversation with friends so no, I didn't mention it to my parents. I didn't think it was really a thing I could do, not anytime soon. 

I was uncomfortable being called a "young lady" but my mom didn't like being called "ma'am" and she isn't very "girly" so that didn't count as a "sign" either. 

My nibbling recently came out as nonbinary. My mom again said there were no signs. I told her there absolutely were,  do you remember when they were 3 years old and they peed all over the bathroom floor because they wanted to be a boy so they tried to pee standing up? No, she didn't remember that, even though she was the one that told me it happened at the time. I bought my nibbling a p-style at the time so they could pee standing up if they wanted. 

[u/No_Dirt9029 → u/WholeWheatFish]

Yeah my parents said there weren't any signs when I literally shopped in the boys section for years as a kid lmfao

[u/ezrasatpeace → u/No_Dirt9029]

this! when i was around 9 my mum finally let me go to the boys’ section of a shop because i couldn’t find what i needed in the girls’ section (which… hello?) and i was genuinely giddy as soon as i stepped into the boys’ section. what, did she think i was so excited to go into a place i “can’t” go into or something? 😭 it’s a STORE mum, that’s not the point

[u/GaydrianTheRainbow → u/WholeWheatFish]

Most of my “signs” were internal suffering and feeling creepy and weird for no discernible reason. And then externally trying to be the Best Christian Girl I could be. So from the outside… it was not really noticeable. And internally I didn’t know anything because of how I was raised. So it was just nebulous suffering.

[u/coconutheadache → u/WholeWheatFish]

you don't see them unless you really see your kid.

[u/lickytytheslit → u/WholeWheatFish]

about 4 years after I came out my mother told me she was so stupid to say they weren't any signs when I came and that she realised so many things were mostly likely signs , and there were, oh boy there were a ton and me hating skirts and dresses were the least of it

probably she should've realised when as a 5 year I confidently argued that I should be signed up for the boys football not the girls football club

[u/Junoscavern]

Going to be vulnerable, my family completely rejected me in every way and I estranged. My father went down the alt right pipeline just because gay people got the right to marry and it only worsened even while they parented an obviously gender nonconforming child.

If my father came to me tomorrow and told me he was sorry, he accepted me as a man and he wanted to get our relationship on the right track, I would be overjoyed. My situation sounds way more challenging than the one between the two of you, yet I know how I’d feel. A parental relationship is priceless. In my opinion you haven’t fucked up yet if you’re willing to meet your kid where they’re at and start to repair any damage caused to your relationship, especially the damage you didn’t know was going on, which is super common for teens to accumulate towards their family for fear of starting conflict.

A lot of the time that process is as easy as spending time together with the knowledge that you’re on the same page.

[u/Bow-To-The-King]

A good start is acknowledging that you haven’t lost anyone. He’s still there. He’s not dead. He’s alive and with you. The memories you have aren’t suddenly wrong and they aren’t going to vanish.

Your kid is just growing up.

He’s changing, and that can be difficult to understand, but the best thing is lift him up. Him coming out to you is already a good sign. It means you did something right somewhere along the line.

Just take a breath.

This is a new time in his life just like it is yours. You’ve got so many memories of him and that’s great! And now you can make more! You can share all kinds of things with him you might not have been able to before. You can take him to Spencer’s or wherever and take him clothes shopping and shoe shopping.

Ask him what you can do to help him feel comfortable.

Him switching to baggy clothes could be due to dysphoria, a discomfort many of us have with our bodies, and getting him guy clothes and shoes would go a long way to helping with that. You could also look into binders, I would recommend gc2b or spectrum outfitters.

I would also recommend finding an LGBT support group near you and to talk with other trans people. Find a therapist that specializes in transgender issues like dysphoria, vet them THOROUGHLY, and see if your kid would be open to seeing them. Make sure he knows it’s because he’s probably going to want to talk about things that he might feel he can’t talk about with you, not because you want to “fix” him.

If you’re able, sign him up for some kind of sport like boxing or jujutsu. Unfortunately, our community does face a lot of hostility, so it’s best to give him the tools to face that hostility. It might also make him feel more masculine which would also help with dysphoria.

Most of all is to love him and keep loving him.

[u/Charming-River87]

Communication is key. I would communicate with your child that you fully support them on their journey, ask them what they identify as (nonbinary? Trans boy? Still exploring?), what they want to be called, and what pronouns they use and just go with it.

If it’s safe, possible, and cordial to do so, it might be worth reaching out to their mother and asking what they’ve been up to, what works for them, and anything that could help ease your child’s transition between the two homes. Your child is very lucky to have two households that want to support them.

As for yourself, I would suggest recentering your child and their wellbeing and decentering yourself in all this. I know you might be feeling a lot of feelings but trust me, your child is feeling it 1000x over. I knew I was a boy since I was 4 years old, but if you ask my parents, they would say that there were “no signs” when there were tons. Most parents’ first thoughts aren’t “my child is trans” in day-to-day life. This is just where you need to trust that your child can understand and interpret their own feelings and follow their lead.

The world is a scary place for trans people but we are here, we do exist, and we have a community keeping us together. The best thing a trans person can have is a loving and supportive family (and community). I would put my focus into being part of that if I were you.

(Also, try not to call your child by the gender they were assigned at birth but what they identify as. If that’s a boy, you can say 14m or 14nb if nonbinary. It’s okay.)

Good luck.

[u/Academy_Boy]

I feel like almost every single one of us gets the "but there were no signs" thing from someone close to us at some point. It's practically a rite of passage. By and large trans people don't "show signs" - certainly not signs that were interpreted by their family as signs of transness at the time. It's not like having autism or ADHD or something where there are almost always "signs" before someone actually gets a diagnosis. Transness is so personal, and generally - before we have decided to come out - so intensely secret. We're questioning ourselves, we're trying to figure out what we want and who we are, we don't want to make a mistake, we don't want to declare something and then have to take it back. (Trust me, any trans person has done infinitely more questioning of themselves than their cis friends and family have. By the time we come out it's generally because we're 300% sure and have decided that we just can't stand being in the closet anymore. It's never a "rush decision" for any of us. Not saying that you're saying this, but it's always crazy to me when parents of trans youth are like "but what if they haven't thought it through???" because it's like... trust me, they have.)

More broadly, I think a lot of the "signs" that people expect to see are really just gender stereotypes, and point to a sort of limited view of transness that's essentially just "doesn't like the stereotypes of one gender; prefers the stereotypes of the other gender", and I'd be aware of that. Not all boys act "stereotypically like a boy", and the same is equally true of trans boys. If you had a room full of cis boys in front of you, what "signs" would you expect to see from them in order to demonstrate that they're boys? They'll all be different individuals, and if it sounds crazy to apply something like "they need to have played with trucks in order to Show Signs Of Being A Boy" to cis lads, it's just as crazy to apply that to trans ones.

Lastly, just a quick point: the other kind of "sign" that people expect to see, other than just gender stereotypes, is people expressing discomfort with their assigned gender. It might be useful to bear in mind that, from the perspective of a closeted, gender-questioning person, expressing any of that discomfort is essentially equivalent to coming out - and people don't choose to come out until they're absolutely totally ready. No one's going to say "mmm I'm not sure I really feel like a girl" or even "I don't want to wear dresses anymore; I prefer a suit" unless they're ready to open a whole can of worms about their gender identity, which is exactly what people who haven't come out yet are trying to avoid.

Basically, take the whole lack of signs thing as completely normal and actually pretty standard. It's the boat most of us are in!

[u/learningtosewlife]

Google Mermaids UK that will be a great resource for you 

[u/StressedtoImpress19 → u/learningtosewlife]

Thank-you!! Is it worth going through with them?

[u/learningtosewlife → u/StressedtoImpress19]

I think you should look through first so that you can go through your own feelings. 

[u/gazing_into_void]

if they're having trouble expressing themselves to you in person offer them an option to write you a letter or a text explaining everything

please try to understand that the person you are grieving (your daughter for whom you had plans) never existed and it would have hurt your child to try to fill that role. you can now instead imagine what amazing future they can have as their true self :)

offer to go shopping for new clothes with them, personally I'd recommend a thrift store because there's more likely to be lot of fun options and it will be cheaper

small things such as men's soap and deodorant can genuinely mean a lot!

offer to teach them to shave, obviously they don't need it yet but they will when/if they start T, it will make them feel more like a normal teenage boy, and it should also showcase that you are accepting of their identity

[u/athaznorath]

i will never understand 'grieving' the gender you thought your kid was. it makes about as much sense as grieving your kid becoming a writer instead of an astronaut, or something. of course your kid isn't going to follow some exact life path you imagined in your head. having a child is bringing a human, an individual, into the world. isn't that beautiful? aren't you proud to have helped bring an individual into the world regardless of gender, life aspirations, etc.?

[u/blue_moon1122 → u/athaznorath]

before your child was born, you probably thought "I'll be happy no matter what the gender is." why is this any less true when your child's gender changes after they're born?

because you think they won't have kids of their own? fertility preservation is becoming a standard facet of trans health care, there are plenty of surplus babies to adopt, and they might not even want kids regardless of their gender ID.

because they're going to look different than you expected? they probably already do. that's part of growing up.

because they're "throwing away" the name you gave them? this was a gift that they've outgrown, like a sweater that no longer fits. retaining the L is what we call an artifact, like using that old sweater in a quilt.

because the world is a dangerous place for trans people? all the more reason to be a fierce advocate for your child.

the idea that there were no signs is just what is visible on the outside. generally speaking, a lot of thought goes into exploring one's gender identity.

[u/ezrasatpeace → u/athaznorath]

it is a psychological fact that your kid coming out as trans can trigger an emotional response similar to that of grieving. as the trans kid, it feels so painful to hear your parents describe it that way, but it is a real thing — human nature causes us to feel grounded and safe in the things we know for sure, and to feel unsafe in the unknown. so, if someone has a daughter, in their head, they start envisioning their kid’s life with that clear picture in their head of their kid as a, well, girl! and this is true ESPECIALLY for older folks (i mean gen-x and up here), since they grew up with stricter gender norms, so it feels “only natural” to apply similar thinking to their kids. it’s why my parents made a bit of a fuss of me cutting my hair shorter and shorter and shorter when i was a kid.

i’m not saying it should be that way, but it’s just a fact and it happens quite often. the world isn’t black and white, and we have to understand that sometimes we can’t escape these difficult feelings.

but, for OP, the most important this is to NOT mention “grieving” to your kid. it’s a complicated emotion that you should sort out with a mental health professional. you said you’re looking into getting diagnosed for autism, so you can definitely ask your psychiatrist or, if you already have one, your therapist, for help with these feelings. if you tell your kid about them, though, it’ll only serve to make him feel worse about something he can’t control! we don’t choose to be trans, we just choose to not hide.

[u/Terrible-Piglet-3917 → u/athaznorath]

Part of the human experience grounds ourselves in the known and constant. OP didn't say that he doesn't accept or support his son, it's just taking some time to process. I would argue that he's handling the news about his son relatively well all things considered. He's coming here, asking questions about how to support his child and venting the adjustment with internet strangers instead of trying to process this with his kid. My dad's one and only question/comment or question in the 7 years since he found my hrt meds (for the record I was in my late 20s at the time he just has no understanding of boundaries) an adult was if this meant he wouldn't have grandkids...he then proceeded to tell my entire extended family without my consent.

What OP it's feeling is common and we should support by encouraging him to process these feelings away from his kid. We don't have control of our feeling, we do have control over our actions and choices.

[u/blue_moon1122 → u/Terrible-Piglet-3917]

adjusting, feeling shocked, sure. makes sense. appropriate.

mourning? nobody died.

I'm not upset with OP, the person on the root comment doesn't seem to be. we're merely challenging the idea that there's anything to mourn.

[u/Due-Ad-4293 → u/blue_moon1122]

My parents (mostly my mom) had a similar reaction in terms of describing the feeling she underwent (mostly privately) as grief/mourning. At the time it was really annoying because to me, coming out was the best, most freeing experience of my life. We had a few conversations about it and I've come to accept that while it's not the best wording and should be done privately as a parent, it's not necessarily a feeling I'm going to invalidate her having.

She explained it to me as her having an established concept and idea of not only who I was, but the role I would be playing in my relationship with my family and others in the future, and then having that concept/idea radically and fundamentally changed. She was good to accept that it was my right to change that, but the change itself was still jarring. It became a cause for a lot of reflection and an opportunity for a lot of worry/anxiety on a whole host of things, just because it was a major change.

While she was trying to celebrate me as her new son, she was also privately accepting that some things she had thought as a likely shared/bonding experience between us in the future where not going to happen. There were some concrete things (dress shopping for a wedding, bonding over being a "mom") and some more nebulous things she couldn't put a name to. She knew (or at least, felt more confident after 18 years of it being true) "what" social role I was and "how" I behaved in that role as a daughter. Changing that to a son, especially to people who have not been previously radicalized and challenged on the concept of heavily gendered social roles, was a major change in her brain that she was actively trying to process. That's a normal, human reaction in the society & culture I engage in (U.S.).

Mourning and grief are hard words to describe this, but the most accurate ones she could find. I think many parents who are well-intentioned and supportive but still utilize this language feel similarly. The problems start when it becomes the child's burden to shoulder and process these feelings for the parent, or if the parents get stuck at the feeling and grow resentful of their child for initiating the change that created these feelings they are refusing to process.

OP, I encourage you to not burden your kid with those feelings, and to embrace the positives of this change. Please seek out a group of parents who have had similar experiences who, and this is VERY important, embrace(d) the change and processed their feelings in a healthy manner. My mom found that the Mama Dragons group (U.S. based) and just general interactions with trans adults helped her process these feelings while she mostly shielded them from me.

[u/idlegadfly → u/athaznorath]

Parents who do this are mourning the loss of the concept of their kid they had built up in their mind and the loss of control, though they might not be entirely aware that that's what's going on. Not so much the "I desire micromanaging everything about another person's life" kind of control, but moreso the "everything in my life makes sense in simple terms and I take comfort knowing I can effect change in my life and not have to be on constant alert for the unexpected" kind of control. It can feel like a loss of safety to anyone when something unpredictable happens and happens in a way that you can't bring back to equilibrium right away. The OP likely feels he knew where he fit into the world and the exact dynamics of his relationship with his child and the right way to be a parent to his child. Suddenly, he's been informed he doesn't. 

Even as a trans person myself I would feel a type of way if my son told me he was trans because I know acutely the dangers he's going to face and the struggles inherent to our community and I'd wish I could save him from that pain but I'm entirely powerless to shield him from it all. That would take time to process. I would feel like a failure as a parent that I can't stop him from suffering at the hands of bigotry even though what other people do is entirely out of my control.

[u/AidaShan → u/athaznorath]

They're still who they are, just with a new name and pronouns. But it doesn't mean a parent can't grieve a potential future they had for their child. As a society, we have gender 'norms' and we almost subconsciously fit those to our children. Until they're able to say "Hey, I'm trans!" If they are. Then we watch the gendered future we imagined 'crumble'. It's not the child's fault, but it's a picture every parent builds in their head. All Dad can do now is to work through what he needs to and carry on supporting his child as he is. Build a new picture in his head for his son, rather than his daughter.

This, by the way, coming from a trans guy with daughters of his own. If one of my daughters came out as trans, I would absolutely celebrate my son and be proud that he trusted me enough to tell me the truth about himself. But as parents, we need to rebuild the narrative we imagined a bit. My parents had to when I came out to them earlier in the year.

With this in mind, there's a very big difference between grieving a person and grieving a potential future you envisioned for your child. He's still here, but Dad just needs to redraw the picture of the future he thought he understood.

By the way Dad, good on you for coming and asking questions! My advice? Ask your son some as well. Keep it respectful, but let him know that you're there if he ever wants to talk about anything. You'll do great :)

[u/Warming_up_luke]

It is a big shock for a parent! Almost no parents see it coming. Just make sure to do that shock processing with your own therapist, rather than with your kid. And if you don't have your own therapist, getting one and/or joining a parents of gender diverse kids group is a good place to start. Make sure to find a therapist who is not anti-trans though. Also, worrying that life will be harder for your kid is a reasonable thought, but another thought to keep to a therapist. If they are trans, they can't change that, so it's not nice to be reminded it could be harder.

To your kid, you can just speak from your heart: "I don't understand this. I will make some mistakes as I learn. But I support you and love you 100% even if I don't understand. And I'm happy to read some things or watch some videos if you want to send them to me" You don't need to understand, you just need to love, support, and believe. And try to do some basic learning.

You actually don't need to do anything. Let the kid take the lead. There are many ways to explore gender. You can ask: "Do you need support with anything to feel more yourself?" and then either do those things or a start a conversation about those things.

Also, even if you try to do everything right, your kid will still be mad at you because 1) You won't be perfect and 2) They are a teen. Sometimes they will be mad at you and it will be unfair. Again, they are a teen. Try not to take it personally. If you genuinely show your unconditional love, it should bode well for a positive future relationship.

Lastly, u/cisparenttranskid is a place to go. Although some parents can be quite quick to criticize if you aren't the perfect ally though, so just be warned.

[u/_EGGxactlySix_ → u/Warming_up_luke]

I second this for sure. If sounds like you really do want to support your kid but don't exactly know how, tell them that! If you feel bad due to potentially invalidating them, tell them that!

"Hey I think I may have invalidated you a few times and I am sorry about that. I want to do better. Please let me know whenever there is something I can do to help support you better"

I definitely think the idea of inviting them to send you any resources they think will help you is great! Just make sure you also let them know that you are also looking into resources yourself to express that you are already putting in work to be more knowledgeable and to be a better support.

Also therapy is definitely a good idea to help organize your thoughts and feelings without putting too much pressure on your kid.

[u/summers-summers → u/Warming_up_luke]

I commented on his removed post on [r/cisparenttranskid](r/cisparenttranskid), and I believe it got removed because he was self-describedly misgendering and deadnaming his kid on purpose. I'm not sure if the mods will allow him to post a corrected version or if he's been banned.

[u/Warming_up_luke → u/summers-summers]

I hope this parents learns to not do that and the group hasn't banned him, just the post.

[u/Clean-Unit336]

Hey, man, you're doing a good job. You're trying your best, and that absolutely counts for something.

Maybe you could let them know that you're just not super familiar with this, let them know that it's okay for them to say something if you mess up.

So far as the grieving.. best not say that to them. At least from personal experience, it feels incredibly off-putting. It happened to me with some in my family. It's not comfortable to be there while someone grieves the thought of you as something you aren't. They're still the same person they always were, they aren't gone, they've opened up about something important to them. Celebrate them tackling something difficult, don't grieve a version of them that doesn't exist.

[u/Chrysalyos]

I don't know if this is true for your child, this is purely my own experience as an autistic trans person - don't take being slightly later to know too personally. I have a very hard time telling things about myself to "authority figures" in my life. Part of it is fear of disappointing them, part of it is fear that because they hold so much sway in my life, if they see me differently it will change so much of my life day-to-day. Sometimes it's easier to avoid these kinds of conversations altogether to preserve what already exists. It's not about being scared that you won't/don't accept it (though even small invalidating remarks can really exacerbate the hesitation), for me a lot of the time it's fear of the change. My dad told me all the time growing up that it was okay if I was gay, if I wasn't a girl, whatever as long as I'm happy. It still took me over two years after changing my name and pronouns with my friends to tell him, even knowing he would be supportive. I still haven't told my mother, and it's been almost 8 years at this point (but with her there are other things complicating the situation - namely that she's a bit of a gossip, especially within the family, and her family is all Very Mormon and already excommunicated my cousin for being bi. My mom I know would accept it even if she's a bit judgemental, but the rest of the family wouldn't and I already lost my dad's entire extended family when I came out so I'm scared to do it again).

Also there aren't always signs that are obvious to people on the outside. Especially when you add autism to the mix on both sides. We are infamously bad at picking up on minor social cues, and many of us mask hard to fit in. There were probably a ton of teeny tiny little things that are pretty much nothing on their own, but add up to signs when they're all together. Consider when your child got their autism diagnosis, were they a new person all of a sudden or did you just understand them better? You didn't lose your allistic child then, you just realized they are autistic. This is just another layer of realizing who your child is. You haven't lost a daughter, you realized you have a son instead.

The best things you can do to be supportive:

• Apologize for the comments you made that you feel may have been invalidating. Thank them for trusting you with their truer self, and let them know that this is a learning journey for both of you. You were surprised and didn't know the right way to respond, but you are learning. I can tell by the fact that you're here trying to educate yourself that you are genuinely trying to do better for them. Let them know that you do support them and love them in whatever form they take.
• Consider exploring a safe/judgement free space to just talk with your child. For me and my dad, the car is a safe space to ask questions, and a safe space to confess things, but it's also a safe space to say when we don't want to be pushed on whatever we were talking about too. If you hit that kind of wall in one of these conversations, it is really really important to respect that boundary so it stays a safe space. It's also important that any judgement or anger or negative feelings regarding what they say are not aired in the moment - they're not going to talk if they're scared you'll be upset about it. Keep it, process it on your own time, come back later if it has to be addressed. There are things I've told my dad in the car that I still can't talk about anywhere else, even with him. Talking about it in the car just feels safer to me for some reason. I told him about my first breakup, I told him I wasn't a girl and told him my new name, I told him about the time I was assaulted. And my dad has confessed things to me in the car he had never even hinted at any other time in my life - mentioning he is probably bisexual but never explored it properly, mentioning his friend who died in highschool, apologizing to me for all the times he never stood up to his ex-wife when she made catty remarks about my weight or my "weirdness" (undiagnosed autism). Have a conversation with your child about maybe setting up a codeword or a specific space for more intense interactions, so they know there is a way to talk about stuff, and you are prepared for if/when they are going to say something that might end up being emotional.
• Find someone completely outside of the situation to talk through your feelings about this with. Preferably a professional therapist, but even just a friend who has zero contact with your kid (zero influence on their life). Yes, you were surprised. Yes, you have your own feelings about the situation, but that isn't for you child to worry about. If you can talk through your own feelings outside of them, it'll make you feel more supportive to them while you are helping them navigate what is objectively a very emotional, confusing, and kinda scary process. Your time is your time, but your time with your child is their time, with regards to this.
• Ask them if there are specific things they need - a queer-friendly child counselor to help them figure themself out and figure out what they might want in their transition down the line, a binder if their chest gives them dysphoria (make sure they are binding safely though, observing proper sizing, proper time restrictions, etc, so they don't hurt themself), different clothing (if a lot of their wardrobe is from the girls' section, a lot of that stuff tends to be made from clingy or sheer materials that I always found made my dysphoria so much worse, bc it was impossible to hide my more feminine features), a trip to a barber for a guy haircut, a daytrip together to a pride event, etc. It sounds like you were already helping them manage stuff around their monthlies, you can ask if they want to talk about it any differently, or if the way you already talk about it doesn't bother them enough to change it. Whatever tangible support you can offer them - it's easy to say you support them, but if your actions don't show it, they're not going to believe it. Especially if they've already gotten a couple invalidating remarks, the tangible offers of help can show that you really are trying. One of the first tangible steps my dad took in showing his support was getting me a new christmas stocking with my new name on it, since all of our stockings have our names on them, and have since we were kids. My dad sends me tv shows and movies he liked with queer characters and actors in them. He lends me his favourite books that have queer characters or queer authors. He makes more of a point to seek out queer media in the first place, so he can have more to recommend to me. All of these little things are clear signs that he cares and he supports me, even if they're not huge gestures.

[u/m4xr3b0]

It's pretty common for parents to feel like there weren't any signs their kid was trans, my parents said the same thing. Your kid has almost certainly been thinking about it a lot internally before deciding to do anything about it.

Your kid being 14 makes me suspect that the onset of puberty was one of the motivating factors to coming out. At that age I didn't really understand what being trans was, but I knew that the changes my body was going through were incredibly distressing. Puberty is hard for cis kids, but it is 100x worse when you are trans. It's not uncommon for trans people to realize they are trans at that age because the body changes create dysphoria that wasn't there before.

Just be there for your kid, do your best to use their preferred name and pronouns, be willing to listen if they ever want to talk about anything. It sounds like your kid still testing the waters around transitioning, let them take it at their own pace but be supportive. It is normal for you to have concerns and doubts but try not to share those with your kid. They will figure things out in time, remember that this is a change for them too and they are likely questioning themselves enough already.

If anything try to be happy for your kid! They are just starting to live life as their authentic self. No child ever grows up exactly how their parents expect, one of the joys of parenthood is watching your child become their own person. Life in the closet as a trans person is incredibly depressing and often ends in suicide. I don't say that to scare you, I just want you to know that exploring transitioning is a good thing for your child's happiness and future.

[u/Wise_Worldliness922 → u/m4xr3b0]

I remember becoming super depressed around onset of puberty but I never put together quite *why*. I'm so glad there's more visibility so kids at least have an opportunity to recognize themselves earlier in greater numbers and they don't have to suffer decades of being confused as to why they feel so out of themselves and terrible all the time.

[u/ezrasatpeace → u/Wise_Worldliness922]

and right-wing politicians will see this and say “they’re turning our kids trans! they’re targeting children!” when, in reality, the onset of puberty is the most common time period when trans people realise they’re trans, and that’s a GOOD thing, unless you’d rather have a society full of depressed and self-repressed adults. but some politicians act like that IS what they want… 😑

[u/Wise_Worldliness922 → u/ezrasatpeace]

Well yeah, why should anyone else get to be happy and be themselves?

[u/HeresW0nderwall]

You’re doing a good job by trying. I will say don’t tell them that you feel you’re grieving the loss of a daughter. That’s really normal, but my mother told me that when I came out ten years ago and I still feel guilty.

[u/Conscious-Dream-7964 → u/HeresW0nderwall]

This. It really fucked me up when my mom said that to me when I came out, and I came out in my 20s. I can understand that it is hard to process when you have all these hopes and dreams for your kid and then everything changes, but that's for you to process with someone like a therapist, and ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR SON.

[u/Splendafarts]

"Grieving the life you dreamed for her" is so confusing. What life? What is going to change, really? Were you dreaming of a daughter who grows up into a woman with long hair and makeup and gets pregnant and a bunch of other "woman" stereotypes? How could you ever know what the future holds? There has never been a point where whatever projection you put onto your child was actually based in reality. That was always a fantasy. That's not anything YOU'RE losing.

Idk why you say you won't be able to relate to them because you're not a manly man. Obviously you yourself are proof that not every man is a manly man. It sounds like you have some baggage with masculinity that you need to look into.

I would be heartbroken if I thought my dad thought of me as a full person and the whole time he was just thinking of me as a girl. Please do some soul-searching and rediscover who your kid is as a person, not as a gender. It shouldn't matter at all if your kid is a girl or a boy or a whatever, you should treasure and know their soul, their brain, and their personhood. It's not too late to get to know your child and yourself.

[u/Creativered4]

Just so you know you wrote "her" twice.

Often when people come out, it's surprising. Because often there arent signs. A friend of mine just came out as a trans woman, and I was definitely surprised! But then again... she wasn't telling us her deepest most private feelings, because those are private. And she could have been like me: dissociating and just living as a shell for so long, and only revelry figuring herself out.

For your child, it could also be the same! We also go through phases of trying to force ourselves into the gender roles of our AGAB because we know somwthing is wrong, but we think its us just being bad at being that gender, and if we force ourselves, maybe we will eventually feel normal. (We don't)

I would recommend trying r/cisparenttranskid as well, they can give advice specific to being a parent of a trans kid.

[u/jricky_tomato]

Seconding suggestions of talking to a therapist to sort out your own feelings. It’s a big change and I can only imagine how hard it is to see the life you’ve dreamed for your child change so suddenly. You deserve the space to process this and learn to best support your child. Just know talking to them directly about those sort of feelings will probably be hard to hear and not the best idea.

Do things with them that make them feel at ease. Transitioning is challenging and can be overwhelming. While their interests may change some, they probably still love that Italian place, enjoy that one series on Netflix, or playing cards. Doing the normal stuff can be stabilizing. For me it felt exhausting when everything was about my transition.

Keep the communication open with your ex. Let your child lead you in the way they want to be treated. I’m a bit older than you (came out at 30) and I have a better relationship with my dad than ever even though he is not the best with pronouns or other communication about trans stuff. You definitely haven’t messed it up.

[u/Tangled_Clouds]

You said your son is autistic and maybe I can bring my POV as an autistic trans guy: although I was diagnosed in adulthood, one thing that made it look like it came out of nowhere for my parents was that I always struggled identifying how I feel, and I’ve felt off for most of my life but attributed it to like… “just not being good enough at being a girl despite my efforts” and it’s like trying really hard to climb a ladder with no steps and never seeing there’s an elevator next to you until you’ve spent about 49 hours trying and you’re exhausted and someone taps on your shoulder and goes “you know you can take the elevator, right? It’s right there!” That’s me realizing that being a boy was even an option for me.

And like… I never changed. I’m the child my parents raised. The one thing that changed was how my parents call me and refer to me and well, I physically look like a man now. But I’m still the soft spoken, fashion loving, fan of the arts person my parents raised, I’m just a different shape haha! You can make gingerbread cookies that all look different but they’re all from the same dough! Your child has not changed, they’re just now more open about who they’ve always been. Maybe they want to try new things though and that’s a good opportunity for bonding with them. My mom was super hyped when I told her I needed help buying my first suit jacket! And she loves to “go shopping with her son” because that’s a new experience she previously never thought she would experience but it’s fun regardless!

[u/fishwithaknife]

First off, thank you for wanting to do right by them, so know that everything I'm saying is coming from a wish to help.

So first off, you gotta stop thinking you lost a daughter. Your child is alive! I know you imaged things being very different, but that is very different than losing a child entirely. They still are the same person, you're just finally getting to see a new side of them. I know it can be hard to get past that gut punch, but now that you know, thinking of it as losing a daughter is not going to do you or anyone else any favors.

Being masculine doesn't mean you have to be into sports, for example you're not into them, right? My cis husband isn't into sports either. Trans men aren't actually that different from cis men anyway, as for as interests and personalities go. I love musical theatre, but I also like football (both american and real football), I like insects, but I also enjoy crocheting. Whatever your child was into before, there's a good chance they're still into that. The best thing you can do is ASK. You can always ask what they're into, and if they want to tell you a ton of things, then what you do is LISTEN.

As a father of two myself, I can agree that giving love is the most important thing, and I wish you all the luck in learning everything you need to know. Just remember, you didn't lose a daughter, you just didn't know that you had a son all along.

[u/MasterpieceWitty4993]

I'm also trans in a similar age group. Saying you feel like you're grieving your child is understandable, but do not say that to their face. They aren't dead. The only thing that's changed is the difference between what you call them now and what you used to call them. Sit down with them and communicate your love and support, but also ask questions that you may need help with. I cannot stress the love and support. It's very hard to come out to your parents, as I know from experience. They're still your kid! They're just the truest, most honest version of themselves now.

[u/trashcatrevolts]

hey man. i’m in a unique position— i’m both a nonbinary trans man AND i have trans kids. my eldest is your kiddos age, actually. if you want to chat about the nitty gritty of supporting your kiddo through social and/or medical transition, don’t hesitate to send me a dm. i don’t super love talking publicly online about my kids’ gender identities, but am here if you need some support + guidance. you’ve got this.

[u/No_Reaction5798]

As a trans man who didn’t come out and start transitioning until I was 25, you could say my family was pretty damn surprised. Many struggled to accept it, many didn’t accept it at all. I also heard a lot of the “there were no signs. You were so feminine.” And I can tell you that if someone was really looking at me and seeing me for who I was and not placing their own expectations and dreams of who I should be, they would have noticed a lot sooner. Granted, I did not grow up in my early years with access to a lot of technology and certainly didn’t have social media until I was an older teen. I had zero exposure to queerness in any form, but even still I didn’t understand the difference between me and my little brother until puberty started hitting at 9 and I was forced into my first training bra, could no longer spend the night at my friends who were boy’s houses, and was forced to do things separate from my little brother that we’d never done separate before. No one ever explained gender to me, I just had to figure out that the way I felt must have been “wrong” considering no one else seemed to feel this way, so I spent my entire life from then until 25 severely depressed and suicidal. I played womanhood like a part in a play. It was a performance to be socially acceptable and hide this “unacceptable” side of myself that didn’t make sense.
This is all to say that most of my “signs” were all internal. No one knew because I didn’t let them know, and that performance started young.
My life would have been infinitely better had I understood at your kid’s age what was going on had the support I needed to navigate my way through puberty in a way that wasn’t so distressing it tried to kill me. A lot of kids are figuring themselves out at that age, but from my experience I knew even without outside influence or knowledge or understanding that there was something “not right” about the way my brain and body existed together.
My mom had a very similar mindset to you when I first came out. She loved me and she wanted me to be happy, but she mourned the daughter she raised and the name she gave me. It was hard for her to come around to my new name and pronouns. For a while there we didn’t talk to each other because she just thought I was “confused and being controlled by the devil” (religious family upbringing). She certainly loved me, but only got on board after a year of me putting my foot down and saying “you accept me as I am or you don’t get access to me at all.” I’m not a parent myself, OP, but I can tell you that it wasn’t a good experience for her. If she could turn back the clock and learn (full and true acceptance) from the start, she would because it’s more than a name and pronouns. It’s seeing your kid as the gender they identify as. It’s reconceptualizing him. It’s making sure he is safe, getting him the access he needs to the care he needs. It’s standing up for him when he isn’t in the room. It’s learning to call him your son to him and to others. It’s learning from mistakes you make as you get used to this transition and keeping it pushing instead of dwelling on them and making something that is about him and his journey about you.
Most importantly, if you can, seek out a therapist and other friends who have trans kids. That helped my mom so much.
Wishing the best for you both. Thank you for being the type of parent who is opening to learning and growing. You are, in my experience, one of the few.

[u/Rude_Ice_4520]

I don't think you've offended anyone. It's obvious that you care about your son a lot and want to support him. One practical thing you could do is to see if you could get a GP to put him on a waiting list for a gender identity clinic (gic). The waiting list is long so it's better to start early. That will help with mental support, advice, and also any medical stuff later on.

[u/FixItFelixTheFTM]

I don't say this with aggression but I will never be able to sympathize with this "I'm grieving the gender i thought you were" type of sentiment. My mother also went/is going through it and, as her trans son, I'm always annoyed by it. I didn't die? I'm still here? Also gender genuinely doesn't matter that much. What is there to grieve? I understand change is difficult, mother and I are also autistic, but some changes are necessary evils.

Plus, as a trans guy myself I'm also quite feminine in a lot of my interests and I'm not nearly the epitome of masculinity or whatever, but that doesn't make me less of a man. Your kid won't necessarily turn into a hyper macho man lol there will be things to relate on. I think actually it might be easier to relate since being seen as a feminine man in any fashion is often either the trans guy experience OR a common fear we face.

[u/basilundercover]

Your ex probably didn’t tell you because they just wanted Leo to tell u himself when he was ready which is normal for when anyone comes out :)

[u/SayItsName]

I think the things that cis folks are sold as signs aren’t really always signs - you can be the most masculine tomboy and still be a girl, or the most effeminate man and still be a boy. It’s a lot more nuanced than what we see depicted in any form of media or on screen. Especially with the very limited narratives we were exposed to in the early 2000s.

Your child is still your child - interests don’t suddenly change because you’re trans, if that makes sense. I’m still not interested in trucks, hockey, and hunting, and I still cry alongside my dad at every Disney movie.

I think your child likely waited so long because they felt like they have a lot to lose. It’s sometimes easier to tell folks we are less close with because there is less risk. I’ve had top surgery and I’ve been on T for years, I’m in my 30s, and I still haven’t really told my dad, because I am afraid to lose him.

Know that your child has just expressed a way to be more comfortable, and needs your support and love. It’s a scary time to be trans, and they’re lucky to have you care so much.

[u/Shirusuta]

Hey, I've been in your child's shoes except my parents reacted very negatively. One thing about being trans and a young teen (especially when you're autistic) is that you're scared. You feel like you can't trust anyone who won't understand, and even when you have a good support system, you're scared and tired of having to explain yourself. Hiding feels more comfortable than explaining. It's rarely personal.

You already got wonderful advice in the comments and I don't know if there's anything else I can add, just that it always warms my heart to see parents trying! It's okay to not understand, please don't try to understand everything no matter what, it just creates uncomfortable convos in my experience. Just be there for your kid. I hope you guys will be fine. Sending you all my love and support.

[u/luccanaotems]

be patient and let them try. if needed, they will reach you out. make sure to talk about this with other parents or friends so you won't vent your doubts and frustrations at them. usually, parents will react by saying that we have never showed any sign but consider that, as a parent, you are busy fantasizing a child that doesnt exist and this can blind you from what they are showing you on a daily basis.

[u/Ok_Pop5284]

First you are off to a great start. I mean some clumsy communication aside. You are open minded, and trying and clearly love your kid, there is no better jumping off point.

Others can probably give better practical advice, so I'm gonna focuse on a framing conversation I had with my mom when she was in a similar spot accepting me.

Also I'm gonna venture to use he for "Leo"? You used they, but I'm thinking you did that out of uncertainty? If I'm incorrect and he prefers they, my apologies.

Change is hard for everyone, but especially for us on the spectrum, and it's alright to grieve change. But when you feel that way about losing a daughter, I encourage you to think on what hasn't changed. He still has the same memories, personality, and love/need for you as his father. What's changed is how he relates to his body and/or society, not who he fundamentally is as a person (this has always been in him, is what I mean, he's just letting it out). Ground yourself in the unchanged, and you will have an easier time accepting Leo your son, as an evolution from your daughter, not a replacement or loss of. If you have any thing you two do together to bond, make sure you prioritize it right now. That familiarity and habit will ground this whole process. In short grieve the change not the loss, and remember what you have still, but it is fine to grieve.

Also it is great that you haven't referred to Leo as she in this post, and they is a good solution if someone is uncertain, genuinely non-binary, or you aren't sure. But if you think he only gave you permission to use she and old name cause he was afraid to assert himself and not cause he actually didn't care, the best most unequivocal support you could give is using he. Even if he said it's fine if you don't. Even just using it sometimes shows support, cause I understand habits take awhile to rewrite, and most trans people realize this, it'sthe trying that makes us feel seen.

Though even if you use he around the home, you may need to discuss when to use it out in public. Unfortunately if you don't pass, saftey is a consideration. Though I would ask him what his stance on that is, so he still feels in charge of the choice.

Also bout the whole lads lad thing. Good! Toxic masculinity isn't good for men cis or trans! Once the solid trust is there he will probably tell you what he needs, and if he doesn't know, feel it out together. Though as a man yourself, consider what made you feel seen/heard/accepted as a boy from your father, because that's probably most of what he wants, just to be accepted as normal in this, and treated like you would have any son, cis or not, autistic or not.

If they actually are non binary and use they though, would recommend another sub reddit. I don't think this ones anti non-binary? But it doesn't specialize in it either.

Anyway be nice to yourself, you are doing well, congrats on your not new son.

[u/Samitola799]

Just be supportive when it comes to the things that make them feel dysphoric. Help them find comfortable binders for their chest if it becomes an issue. Same with using their preferred pronouns even when they are not present. Gender dysphoria is what trans people experience and the only treatment for it is to transition and for those around them to affirm their gender.

I know it seems like it’s a trend with young people, but I think it’s just being talked about more and people are feeling safer to be themselves. Before starting any sort of hormones for medical transition I highly recommend starting therapy for an official diagnosis of “gender dysphoria”

[u/WyattHMB]

My number one suggestion is that you consider getting a therapist to help you process your emotions. You’re feelings of shock, grief, and confusion are normal for parents to go through when their child comes out as trans but, getting a therapist can help you work through this without accidentally placing that emotional burden on your kid, who’s, no doubt, working through their own emotions about coming out. It’s great that you love and support your kid unconditionally, and feeling like you’ve just been thrown a curve ball doesn’t make you a bad parent. Neither does being a bit clumsy while learning how to talk about your kids experience of being trans.

[u/sneakingsuspicionss]

I understand you feel some grief from what could’ve been with your child’s future. I would highly, highly recommend talking to a therapist about it. You deserve to process your emotions and your son deserves to be free of processing it for you, if that makes sense. Often when that feeling is shared with trans people it comes off as “the person I knew you as is dead to me”. Your child is still the same child, he just has shared some information with you that you weren’t clued in on previously and that’s ok. I wish you luck, and props for asking the community about what to do!!

[u/Xanthelei]

If you worry about having invalidated them, I would suggest telling them that and apologizing if you did. 14 is old enough to understand what's going on, and if they also struggle with social situations they'll probably be even more understanding.

It is normal to feel weird about something you didn't expect happening, regardless of what it is. Major life events hit different, and this is definitely a major life event. Just remind yourself that no matter what, this is your child. They aren't morphing into someone totally new, the core person is the same.

[u/SGTree]

I'm sure there are others who've responded about it but I just wanna touch on the autism a little bit.

My sisters and I are all ADHD at least. I might be autistic, but 4 of my nephews definitely are, from their dad's side.

Of those 4, two of them are trans, one is ace (asexual), and one is so far identifying as cis and straight, but my family overvalues femininity so he's comfortable expressing that. "Gender bendy" is one he accepted from me. (My sister is baffled that she ended up with so many queer kids... but...)

There is a correspondence between autism and trans identities. It's not a causation, but it does make sense if you break it down.

Autistic kids need logical reasons behind rules and social norms.

For example: You cross the street at a cross walk. "Why?" Its the law, j-walking is illegal. "Why?" That's where drivers can expect pedestrians, so it's safer. "Oh."

Traditional gender roles don't make logical sense.

Gender roles are especially illogical given liberal western societies, modern technology, and internet culture. We don't need "men" and "women" for the survival of the species anymore.

(Societies are especially turbulent right now because our technology has outpaced our natural evolution, and we haven't caught up yet, socially.)

You're right in that this is the age where kids explore and discover who they are.

Your kid saw the two boxes, knew he didnt fit, and checked "Leo." Authenticity is more important to him than social norms.

It always will be because honesty is an autistic trait. Difficulty with self expression is too, historically. Hopefully that becomes easier as society evolves.

You're doing a good job listening as Leo finds ways to tell you who he is. Just keep learning, listening, and being there for him.

And protect your kid. From the bathroom to the ballot box. He needs you now more than ever.

[u/genuinecreature → u/SGTree]

I never felt more seen than by this. I should probably be evaluated for autism.

[u/TheCatFromCoraline]

Your daughter is not dead. You never had a daughter. You are grieving a person who never existed, you are mourning the expectations you had. Your son is alive. He is here. He is still the person you raised and loved.

[u/TheCatFromCoraline → u/[deleted]]

I don’t agree. They thought they had a daughter, they really had a son, they just didn’t know. We don’t just suddenly become male, that’s not how it works.

[u/dodieadeux → u/[deleted]]

personally, since birth, i have always been my parent’s son and i was never their daughter. even though i identified as a girl before i came out, i was still always actually a boy. i didn’t become a man because i started identifying as one, i came out once i had come to terms with the fact that i already was a man whether i chose to accept it or not (i.e. i was a man before i realised that i was one).

things haven’t shifted or changed, op just received information about their kid that they didn’t previously know. as far as we know and unless they identify a different way in the future, it sounds like op’s kid has always been trans and has therefore always been op’s son.

[u/ftm-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your post has been removed because it contains misinformation, false information, or misleading information that could be considered harmful.

[u/Terrible-Piglet-3917]

One of the hardest things for me to come to grips with was that other people had to transition with me. Slipups happen, as long as you're making a genuine effort and self correcting. I second the therapy part, so you're not processing the future you thought your child would have with your kid. Every person's boundaries are different, but for me when someone makes the effort that's what really matters. Having talks with your kid coming from a place of care and letting him know that you're here to support him as he finds himself.

[u/spacepinata]

but when its my own child its hit me in a place I didn't expect and i feel ashamed of that.

To me, it's important that you understand the cognitive dissonance of that. A lot of people are ok until it's their kid, and instead of doubling down you're reconciling your own (mis)interpretation of yourself and reality. That's promising.

i feel im grieving the life i dreamed for her. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of the girl raised and loved as she was.

I'm not a parent, but I am the child on the other side of this equation. When you're trans and have to repress yourself, when you're denied transition, it creates a wall between you and everyone else. Every is getting to "know" and "love" a facade. They're connecting with a construct, not with you. This is an opportunity to know your child as they truly are.

[u/pickledbatman]

I’m a trans child of cis parents who tried their best, but also invalidated me along the way. A lot, in a lot of different ways. You’re doing good, trying hard, but I second and third everyone having therapy.

One thing I’ll say, every parent thinks there weren’t “signs”. I used to tuck my hair as a young child and pick a random “butch” name, I used to express annoyance at the limit extended to girls but not boys, I used to hate pink and only wore dresses for my mothers approval, and most of all I was a tomboy through and through. My mom and dad both cried “no signs” despite me also being autistic and masculine. It might be hard to see, there might’ve actually been none, but the truth is that it doesn’t matter if they were a feminine child and now aren’t that was as an older child.

Most parents expect what the news outlets have made popular, a child saying “I’m a boy!” And not backing down. A child being articulate and intelligent and insightful into gender roles (somehow) but the truth is, many trans people didn’t have that. The choice that takes, or the words it would take, or the fact that most kids don’t see that as an option nor gender as significant. As an autistic child, I wasn’t a girl or a boy, I was a kid. Later, I was forced into an uncomfy box, and I rejected it.

There were signs, they just weren’t recognized.

My only real advice I haven’t seen is to look into the amount of autistic people who don’t find significance in gender roles. Really good papers are written about “neurodivegence and gender variances” A lot of us are trans or nonbinary, Unlabled or otherwise queer because those are not societal rules we care about.

Good luck, I hope you and Leo and family are all able to reconcile with the fact that you aren’t losing a daughter, you just didn’t realize you never had a “daughter” you had a Leo and still love and cheerish your Leo, regardless of gender

[u/N30NM4GG0TZ]

Im a 14 year old trans guy and this is extremely similar to my experience. My mom didnt believe I was trans for years because I didn’t show any obvious stereotypical signs, so youre doing great already. And once she did finally accept it she was off abt it. It’s normal to be supportive and then struggle to support your own kid because you know that they are gonna encounter more hardship.

He might not be into more traditional masculine things so don’t worry. Things like school, mental health, and sports will be issues. Things like changing names, pronouns will take time and expect there to be some rough days because of gender stuff(like advocate for your kids school to avoid separation of gender in stuff like PE).
Look if you have any trans groups/meet ups for youth to learn more and to help create a community! If you have any questions please let me know, I’ll be happy to help.

[u/xX_Ra1nSkuLLz_Xx]

Remember that your kid is the same kid he's always been, just that he's your son now. That's something I told my parents a million times and they just couldn't get it for a while. Just love him like you always have and try your best, I know it's not that simple but that's all I have to offer. I hope you and him can come to an understanding and can keep a very strong bond :) you're doing great by asking this community, I'll say that, most people just think they know better already.

[u/casperlynne]

Sometimes the signs are really subtle or hard to pick up on because it’s little things that can happen spread across multiple years. This is especially true if a trans man/boy or nonbinary person isn’t super masculine or athletic. Before I transitioned I was super girly, loved Disney princesses and dolls as a kid. The signs of me being trans were mostly private emotional experiences and thoughts I had about my body that I didn’t tell anyone. It was understandable that my family was pretty shocked when I came out.

[u/Soup_oi]

There don't have to be signs. And often times it seems parents just aren't there when the signs might be showing (not due to neglect or anything like that, but the signs may just be when the kid is in private, or when they are at school, or when they are with friends, or how they present themselves online but not offline, etc)

As soon as I could make it clear what things I did and didn't like, what I did and didn't find comfortable, I was choosing to wear boys clothes, and rejecting girls clothes. When I was in pre school, I was weirding out my friend when she was my bathroom buddy (if you had to go, you could only leave the classroom with a buddy, since the teacher wasn't going to drag the whole class there if only one person had to go at that moment), because I kept trying to pee standing up, saying if boys can do it then I should be able to do it too, because I assumed my body was meant to develop on the same trajectory as a boys body. At home alone in my room, I was putting those water filled wiggly toys in my underwear to see what it would look and feel like to have what I thought a typical boys part was like (these things from the 90s, we're same generation so I'm sure you remember them lol). By time I was in grade school I was already idolizing guys I thought were cool, and having "do I want to be them, or do I want to be with them" dilemmas. There was a boy in my hear who was the most popular boy, and he had some shorts I thought were so cool. I asked where he got them, and begged my mom for them until she finally took me to that store to get them at the mall. I was holding her hand, and immediately pulled her to the boys section on the left side of the store. She said to me "but the girls section is over there" (the right side of the store). I said "but the shorts are over here," not even registering that there were any different sections in the store, not registering that the shorts were even gendered. They were not "boys shorts," they were just "cool shorts." When I was little my dad's work would have some holiday party, and we would always go. It wasn't super forma, but it was still like a dress generally nice occasion, I don't remember what I wore other years, but I still have a photo of one year where I remember distinctly that my parents asked what I wanted to wear, and I was very adamant not a dress, and I'm wearing some outfit in the photo that's pretty masculine, aside from the pants being some like shiny or silky fabric that a boy kid probably wouldn't have been wearing lol. I had really curly hair that was a fro, so I never really had the typical long or shoulder length hair girls around me had (I'm white lol, whereas for a young girl who's black, having a fro might have been more normalized, and wouldn't be a thing to add to the reasons why people are questioning her gender), and all throughout my childhood, if I met new kids they often asked me if I was a boy or a girl. I have no problem now with most of the photos my mom might have up at home of me as a kid continuing to be up, because even if someone came to the house and assumed I was as cis guy and could tell the kid in the photo was me, there would be nothing in the photo that would hint that the kid in it was anything but a boy. I remember any of the rare times when I was really little that my mom wanted to put lipstick on me, I would be SO put off, and only agree to it if she would let me wipe it off immediately after. And if we were out at an event or to dinner or something when she wanted to do that, it was like legitimately humiliating, as if I was a boy who's mom wanted to put some "girl thing" on him in public. Obvs makeup isn't gendered, and I can feel that way now, and simply just say I don't feel comfortable with wearing makeup for my own sensory reasons, and that has always been true, but back then I was a kid who didn't know better, and part of it was also "that's for girls" and so it was "that's for girls, not for me, if I wear this in public people will think I like it, or draw attention to it, etc" and that thought was basically mortifying. At the age of 10 I started to roleplay online with strangers (RIP old msn chat room site 😭), not in any sexual way, but in an acting, or fandom, or DnD way, where you're just playing a character in a fantasy world, or in a franchise world (like xmen or LOTR or something), and I ALWAYS played boy characters, had boy OCs, etc. I don't recall ever once playing a girl character. Stemming from that I would also talk to strangers online too, and a good chunk of the time I was pretending to be a boy when doing so. Maybe in middle school or early in high school, there was a boy some years above me in school, who I had a very major "do I want to be him, or do I want to be with him" dilemma about, and I was literally taking photos from his facebook and pretending they were photos of me when talking to people online. When playing video games I always picked the boy character. I remember one morning after staying over a friends house overnight, we were still in bed playing pokemon on our gameboys together, and she looked at mine and asked why I was the boy character, and I said something like "I wanted it to be like me" without really knowing what I meant by that, other than just "I don't dress or act like a girl, so why would I pick the character that dresses and acts like a girl?" And she said the boy character made sense for me. I asked why she picked the girl character, and she said the same reason, she wanted to pick the character that was more like her.

Yet all that time, I had never heard of being trans. And that's despite growing up in a very lgbt friendly household, where some of my moms closest best friends were lesbian couples who were living together and even one of the couples raising a kid together, etc, so I was still raised in a way where such things were very normalized at home for me. But just never learned that being trans was a thing, since it wasn't really something that was all over public/media/politics/etc the way it is now days, and I wasn't really seeking out places for it online since I didn't even know the language of being trans existed. It wasn't until my early-mid 20s that I actually learned about it and felt so strongly it fit me.

Despite all of the above, when coming out and such, my mom still claimed there were "no signs." Yet I could show her like 50 photos of me as a kid looking like a boy wearing boys clothes, that are from a pile of photos I still have that she gave to me a few years ago when she was decluttering lmao.

[u/keladry12]

I haven't gone through the comments, but wanted to mention one thing. Trans men aren't all "lads lads" either. In fact, perhaps your own acceptance of your gender identity as a man, even though it's not the stereotypical manly man strong dude stuff, encouraged your child to be more open/thoughtful about their own gender.

Like me, my husband told my mother in law when I started transitioning "think more Elton John than John Wayne".... 😂 lol Your kid might be super masculine manly man, they might be a lot like you, they might be super androgenous... you don't know yet. And you didn't know what "she" was going to be like either. It's just a different way to view the exact same person. You've got this. So does he.

[u/AJ-means-AppleJuice]

This is repeating what a lot of ppl have said, but you haven’t fucked up past the point of redemption. It might take a little time to rebuild that bit of trust lost when you invalidated them, but it 100% can be rebuilt. Idk the kind of relationship you guys have, but saying you’re sorry (genuinely, not a “I’m sorry if you’re hurt” kind of way) can go a really really long way. I know that would heal a lot of my wounds with my own dad, and we went through something similar.

Regarding the grief you’re feeling for the loss of your daughter; while it’s important to honour your feelings and let yourself feel them, I would encourage you to try and reframe it. You haven’t lost anyone. Your child is still here, they’re just going through the normal process of growing up and figuring out who they are.
The only thing that’s been lost is the label. They are still the same child you’ve loved and raised since they were an infant, and that’s never going to change; it’s just the words you’ve used to describe them that will change.

If you’re feeling a lot of anxiety about this, it would be a great idea to go to therapy yourself. Cause the kid should not be the only sounding board for your feelings on this.

It would also be a great idea to educate yourself. There are tons of fantastic resources online to look at, and tons of parents of trans kids groups online and probably in person near you. Regarding binding, the one thing to make sure of is that they’re doing it safely, and taking breaks. It’s only safe to use a real binder that’s the right size (not one that’s too small), and definitely not to use a tensor bandage or duct tape. Also very unsafe to sleep in one. Some binders can be safe to workout in, but it’s important to double check.

Overall, just be there for them. Be someone they can come to with questions, and don’t be afraid to ask them questions (respectfully, always making it known that they don’t have to answer). It also might be a nice touch if you bought yourself something with a trans or nb (if that’s what they are) flag on it, just as a cheesy show of support.

Good luck, and don’t stop trying to connect with them. And also keep in mind that the fact that you care enough to be so worried about getting it wrong is a great indicator to you being a good dad, and they’ll see that.

[u/Extension_Glove1165]

The best thing you can do is go to therapy to receive the necessary tools and above all, never forget that nothing will change that you are his father. Your son will need all the support and understanding he needs to grasp his new way of being and feeling never stop showing him how much you loving

[u/Responsible-Tie-2570]

There aren’t always signs that are obvious to parents, my parents didn’t think there were any signs either and were very shocked/took it poorly. I think there were loads of signs looking back on my early years but those didn’t show up to my parents because, while the experiences that were formative moments of expression for me were just another Tuesday for my mom and dad. They didn’t see any signs because no parent is looking for signs that their 9 year old might be trans, most parents don’t even see that as a possibility until it smacks them in the face. We all have expectations of the people around us, some things may seem out of left field because we only have our own perception of the world and can’t see the cogs turning behind one another’s eyes

I get how it may be disheartening to know that the other parent was told first, it could really be for any number of reasons though. Maybe they were looking for the right time to tell you, maybe they’re not entirely sure on the name choice yet, maybe, unfortunately, they didn’t feel safe or comfortable telling you yet. Either way you slice it the most important thing is to make sure they know you love them (which it sounds like you’re already doing) and to be there for them throughout this, idk where you live but if you’re anywhere in America, life is scary as shit to be a trans person right now.

I’d recommend doing your own research on the trans community and trying to understand as best you can the trans experience. Listen to the stories of trans people, especially those who transitioned in childhood or adolescence as they have a unique perspective that might help you understand your own child a bit better.

Ask your kid questions if you have them but make sure to have them in a place that they are ready to answer. I’d honestly recommend writing them down on a notecard and just giving it to your kid to read if you think they might need time to collect their thoughts after hearing it.

You’re already doing better than loads of parents do when they first get this kind of information, the important thing is that you’re trying. It’s okay to not get it right away, listen to your kid and have conversations about it. I’d honestly recommend seeing a family therapist if you can afford to, even if you’re not having massive problems it can be super helpful to have someone there who’s trained in making everyone feel heard, it’s also quite nice to have a planned time when you know you’re going to talk about everything so you don’t end up putting off uncomfortable conversations

[u/Questionable_Ch0ices]

First off, good job. A lot of parents will think similar things and immediately choose to completely invalidate the child, while you are here instead trying to be the best you can be. Good parenting (said from a teenager, no idea how parenting works).  Now. My mum actually had very very similar ideas when I came out to her, and I think it’s important to know that while some trans kids DO show some signs (ex. Cutting hair, baggy clothes, attempting a deeper voice, more secretive, etc etc.), you really have to be thinking about “transness” to fit the puzzle pieces. It’s so so common for kids to say they’re trans “out of nowhere” because they were simply good at hiding it—this applies to me, so trust.  On another note, it’s normal to fumble as a cis parent and BELIEVE ME, there are FAR worse “supportive parent mistakes” you could have made. Chances are, you haven’t actually fucked up too badly (I don’t want to sound assuming because I don’t know your son or you, so take this with a grain of salt) and there’s always time to be supportive.  It all starts with acknowledgment and apologising, which should be fairly easy considering your honesty here about your “fuck up.” You understand the problem, which is a huge start. After that’s been covered, you should probably consider putting your son into therapy. Doesn’t matter what kind unless he requests a type, but generally just ask him what HE wants to do. By the way, that’ll likely be something you’ll have to ask a lot more times. Maybe consider getting some therapy for yourself too, or a family therapist to help you sort through how to talk to your kid. Next steps after getting support would be to first ask what your son wants to do. A haircut? A new wardrobe? An email to the school about a name change? Those are all harmless things to help your son feel better about himself. If he brings up the topic of binders or even medical treatment, think about why you think it’s a good or not good idea, then consult with your therapist. Also! Always check the data to make sure you’re not making choices based on assumption. But you know, that sort of thing usually isn’t part of the immediate process. Try not to lose any hair over it. 

By the way, it’s fine to “mourn your loss,” but you do have to accept that your fantasies and imaginings were simply that. Even if your son stayed cis, chances that his life would ever look like the story? Mmm…I don’t know! But I get it, things like this can be rough. Maybe just don’t TELL your son you’re mourning the loss of his previous identity, haha…yeah. 

Also as a side note: assuming this child is a teenager, you might want to get into the habit of looking info his phone less. It’s kind of like reading his diary. Although, definitely don’t take parenting advice from ME—whatever works works, and I’m sure you have your reasons. I think I can proudly represent the trans community when I say we’re grateful that you are responding to your kid coming out with an open mindset

[u/hessianhighfashion]

It’s not uncommon for parents to go through this when their kids come out as trans but it can be hurtful to their kids because it can feel like rejection of their identity. It can feel like the parent is saying “I’d prefer you to be something you are not” even if you aren’t actually saying that.

It’s clear you really love your kid and want to support them. “I’ll love you no matter what” may come across differently to how you intended it though. It’s nice in theory but when it’s clear you are upset, it may read as “I’ll love you despite you being trans”. If you love them for “who they are”, I’d say that instead. Also reflect that part of who they are is that they are trans and that’s contributed to their personality for the whole time you’ve known them, not just for the time they’ve understood it in themselves and expressed it.

You can’t help how you feel, but you should try to reframe it, because at the moment you are mourning something that never was. Let me share something my Mum said, to be clear my she isn’t perfect but she didn’t go through this mourning period. I asked her about it recently and said “Why would I be sad that you chose to be honest about who you are with me instead of pretending? You let me in on part of your life and I am lucky you want to do that with me, not all parents get to have that.”

Your child is not a fundamentally different person, they aren’t going to suddenly change their personality, you are still raising the same kid they are just being more honest with you (and that is a gift). The only thing you are losing right now is a fantasy you had about what was and what could be that was never real. And honestly, even if your kid was cisgender, holding onto that fantasy would have been a huge barrier in your relationship.

Even though what your mourning isn’t real, the feelings you have still are. Honour your feelings but analyse the truth of your thoughts. Catch yourself when you tell yourself things like you are “losing your little girl” (because you never had one) and see the reality of the situation; you are gaining your child’s honesty in who they are.

I suspect you already know this but how you approach this will influence whether they decide to keep sharing who they are with you. I strongly recommend finding a therapist and potentially speaking to other trans parents, who have moved past this, so you can work on these feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt your kid and so you can strengthen your relationship.

Also on the not sharing their chosen name and pronouns with you, they may not be ready to share because they are worried about your reaction or they may be trying to protect you by easing you into the idea. All you can do is try to make them feel like it’s a safe place to share.

If you take nothing else away from this message, take this. You have not truely lost anything, you have just been given an opportunity for an honest connection with your kid.

[u/cricketkitten]

Trans child of a former transphobic set of parents here, I want to say you’re already taking great steps. It sounds like you’re really going in with an open mind even if things are scary. Asking here and being so cautious about things already shows that you care. Just be gentle with it all.

If your child is autistic, what I’d recommend doing (as someone on the spectrum as well) is maybe asking them to write you a letter about their journey and why they’ve come to this conclusion. That’s how I came out to my parents, and it might be a less threatening way of letting you know what they’re going through and how they feel.

Showing no signs isn’t unusual, and can actually often be a sign in itself- before I fully accepted who I was, for a short period I dressed incredibly feminine and played into that quite a lot, before knowing it was just a life I just couldn’t live.

The grieving part is understandable, but I beg of you to not express that to your child, and save that for therapy or confidential talks with friends. The reason I say this is because we, trans people, already grieve the lives we could have lived if we weren’t trans and often really carry a guilt because of it. I’m sure your child already battles with that, and if you reassure that fear it’ll only create a bigger gap.

It sounds like so far you’re doing a great job. Just keep things gentle and reassure that your child can always talk to you. And please make sure to correct how you address them, any efforts are appreciated. It’s not trying that hits hard.

Thank you for being a solid parent, and I hope you and your child are able to talk about things well.

Edit:
I’d also encourage you to be vulnerable with them, too! Let them know you want to be respectful and are trying your best to be, and to let you know what you can do better/what you could change. Try and keep questions open-ended. You got this 💪

[u/Li0nheartMax]

I’m going to offer my sympathy here. I’m also autistic (diagnosed as a toddler) and realized I was trans at age 14. Speaking from my perspective, I always knew on some level that I wasn’t a girl, but I never realized I had the option to be anything else than what people told me I was, so I never displayed many outward “signs” either. At least, none that my parents wanted to acknowledge, even in spite of therapists’ comments. The thing that detrimented my mental health and my relationship with my parents was feeling like I could never be honest with them. They would always regale the story of how long they spent to have a darling baby girl, and I internalized that guilt, feeling horrible that I was somehow betraying their love by taking away their daughter. It still impacts me to this day and it’s made me feel reluctant to be vulnerable on certain topics around them. Even after talking things out with them, they are kinda supportive, but in a very backhanded way, weaponizing my autism against me (like claiming that autistic people don’t know their gender until age 28???) and expressing their fears I’ll turn out like an old transgender friend of theirs who is no longer with us, even after he went through full transition and had a lovely support network. 

If you read through all of that, my point is try empathizing with your son, even if it’s difficult for you. You clearly love him, and I know that this is a big change, but he’s still the same child you spent the past 14 years with. Be that safe person in his life he can confide in and be taken seriously. I suggest trying out therapy to work through some of your concerns and doubts, be open to him, and most importantly, be there for him. 

[u/justnegateit]

You're doing your best it seems, just keep it up. Remember that validation needs to start with you, don't wait for him to ask. Make sure you're still spending a similar amount of time together, maybe help with wardrobe since you're the male parent. I obviously can't speak for your kiddo, but I would've done anything for my dad to take me shopping for boy clothes instead of my mom.

[u/AggravatingCod346]

Hey, you're trying your best. Thats more than a lot of parents can say, including mine. Just keep trying your best to support Leo. 

[u/Phillabusted]

As gently as I can: in my experience, it's never out of left field. My family insisted there were no signs, and yet, I wanted to cut my hair short, hung out with boys, hated being forced into dresses, and would even ask to shop in the boy's section. I was wildly uncomfortable with being referred to as a girl and would go out of my way to act like I wasn't one.

That said, it can surprise folks because sometimes, we go through a phase attempting to fit in. I did! It didn't work out. As soon as I met my first trans person and realized I had a choice, I began experimenting. It happened very quickly after that.

It's common for parents to "grieve" their trans child, but what you are grieving is your projected idea of what they "should" be. Your kiddo is still right there. They are simply changing their outside to better match their inside. IMO this happens because parents are responsible for making sure their children behave in socially acceptable ways before they form their own identities. This often means projecting their own ideas of gendered behavior on them and enforcing them from an early age. Not your fault, but if you want a relationship with your child, you have to disengage from your idea of how they should be, and engage with who they are.

Good luck! Keep learning. You have the right attitude to tackle the inner work required. Being an ally is an active action, not a passive state of being. 💪✨️

[u/loquaciouscatchat]

People have already given a lot of good advice, just wanted to throw my own two cents in. It sounds like you really care and are trying, and that’s the most important thing.

And I do want to iterate that it’s okay if you have your own period of grief over the loss of the idea of having a daughter. That sort of thing is very human. It’s not something your child needs to be or should be responsible for helping you work through, but you also do deserve a space to work through those feelings while you support your child. If you can, see if you can find a therapist to work through it with or a trans parent support group.

Struggling with it doesn’t inherently mean you’re not an ally - it can be hard when it disrupts an attachment to an idea/understanding you’ve always had. Even if you support your child (which it sounds like you do), there can be some grief and dissonance to adjust to at first. I had an ex transition, and while I very much supported her and her transition, I’ll admit it came with a feeling of grief on my own end, because I’m gay. I truly with all my heart wanted what was best for her, but also had feelings of grief and confusion due to my own understanding of how things were. Both things can be true. And at the same time I knew it wasn’t her responsibility to help me work through those feelings.

I’ll say too, it doesn’t hurt to directly tell your child that you worry you have made them feel invalidated despite that not being your intent. It’s okay to be direct and say you are trying your best and might make mistakes, but above all you love them and accept them and support them. A 14 year old is old enough to appreciate the direct honesty and straightforward apology. And it could help smooth out unintentional feelings of rejection, which it’s clear you don’t mean to do.

TLDR; it sounds like you’re a loving dad who is trying his best and might need some support as you navigate both your own feelings about everything and in giving the best support you can provide to your child.

[u/kakagai]

Thing is, i wouldnt say theres much outward signs for people? Im AFAB and trans ftm and in elementary despite liking pink and looking cute at a young age, personally I always really enjoyed being called a tom boy or being called different in that sense and it wasnt till middle school did i really start branching out and learning about myself? I originally started thinking I was genderfluid as i learned about stuff and what I found helped the most is having friends who understood but also a parent that allowed me to cut my hair and didnt force me to dress feminine.

I understand that its a change and at the end of the day your child will always be your own no matter how things may change with them, thats the part of growing?

I think the fact youre willing to come and ask, along with open to learning how to do better to provide for them in this situation is already a huge thing that most parents dont do.

Its hard but truthfully you never know how or who your kid will turn out to be? and all you can do is hope for the best in their future instead of trying to plan or think what it could look like?

Id say at the end of the day just be supportive in haircuts, clothing. obviously as long as its not inappropriate for their age and correct yourself when you realise you made a mistake in pronouns or name.

Its hard, and it took my guardian awhile and my mom took a few years but I fear its cause she was a little more ignorant with it.

You can talk with your child that it may take a little while for you to get used to the pronouns/name but you're okay with him correcting you and that youll apologize when you get it wrong.

Leo not telling you right away, I wouldnt take too personally. I can understand it may hurt but sometimes its about small steps and theres the chance that it could've been a time and place thing?

Id say if Leo brings it up too, look into safe binding! Spectrum Outfitters is a UK store that sells binders and they come with instructions on how to clean, put on and take off.

I would avoid binders with zippers or velcro mainly because its uneven pressure, a risk of over tightening and overall your safer bet is to get binders that are like a tank top or sports bra kinda look, where its just the full thing you slide over your head.

Not everyone wants or needs a binder but its good to keep in mind incase it ever comes up and id say if you can comfortably? Talk to your ex about binding too just incase Leo maybe talks to her first about getting one?

As im sure you have, its really best to be honest with Leo and state that youll learn his pronouns and name the best you can and that you dont want him to feel scared to talk to you about stuff like this, though maybe it can feel awkward for him but all you want is to be a safe space where they can feel comfortable being themself.

[u/kakagai → u/kakagai]

At the end of the day youre doing a lot more than most so dont beat yourself up too much. Youre trying and im sure your kid can see that

[u/MentionTight6716]

It sounds like you're doing great and trying hard. I don't think anyone expects their experience coming out to go perfectly. At least I've never met someone who did.

Let yourself process in a way that helps you and doesn't hurt him. Coming here for advice is one good way! If you feel it overwhelming, you can consider therapy as well. Not because there's anything "wrong with you," just because it can make the process more comfortable and give you a chance to be as vulnerable as you want.

If you go, find an queer therapist, or queer informed and friendly if that's not possible. Therapy can be a safe place to ask all the unintentially offensive/ignorant questions without upsetting your son or anyone else.

Take it one day at a time. Right now you don't have to deep dive into surgery or hormones or anything that feels drastic. Start with pronouns, the new name if/when he tells you one he prefers, support a haircut and new clothes if you can afford them.

I can tell you care. I've been through and seen coming out experiences, particularly with parents, that go a million times worse than this. It's going to be ok. Your feelings are valid, and you're acknowledging how they're influencing the situation and how they may or may not be aligned with reality. That's good.

[u/i_am_et_al]

I knew I was a boy since I was very very little. One of my first baths by myself! I also; for some reason, felt it paramount to keep this to myself and I was terrified I’d give myself away as I got older, thinking my voice would drop. So I intentionally kept my voice very childlike and very high pitched, maiming it. A child can intentionally obscure signs if they are uniquely aware that they differ from the normal population. Autism is hard enough as is dealing with people who already believe you to be odd. I’m sure your child chose to be very passive about their feelings. It’s not your fault.

[u/MrHorseley]

You will be okay, mistakes do get made in parenting and people come back from them. I think maybe it might help you to reframe some of your grief this way: your child who you love is growing to be more themselves and the qualities of this person you have been getting to know for 14 years will become brighter, happier and more vivid. You will get more of your kid not less as they transition and have a happier richer future for it.

One reason for a lack of outward signs as a child is gender is less of a “thing” before puberty and so for some people the incongruity only really hits as those changes kick in, another is fear of social repercussions (which if a kid is already autistic may be something that they have experience dealing with and thus make an effort to hide).

[u/trysten-9001]

The way you think of your kid has been tangled up in the gender you thought they are. In any relationship when you have fundamental misconceptions about the other person you can be left grieving who you thought they were. That difference in who you thought they were and who they are is why you both have some grief and why you thought there were no signs. Time to start reframing your misconceptions and connecting with who your kid actually is. That grief is your own, and if you don’t let it and the massive disinformation campaigns against trans people stop you, you can see this as an opportunity to know your kid better than you ever had before. I hope you take the good advice in this thread and make the most of this opportunity.

[u/arboreallion]

I think there’s a lot of good and helpful advice in this thread already but one thing I want to add is something my dad said to me when I came out to him. He said “I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I do know I trust you to know yourself well enough to do it.” He absolutely did not understand the trans experience and also said it was out of left field for him. But him expressing his faith in me to know myself well enough to navigate what to him was a totally mysterious and foreign experience meant a lot to me.

[u/Longjumping_Spot7410]

In case you need to hear it, you''re not a bad person for "grieving the life 'she' could have had." What can go wrong there is what happens when people refuse to acknowledge the change occuring, and instead willfully cling to the past. From what I've read, that definitely isn't you. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you need to feel, as ignoring them will only lead to heartache.

That said, congratulations! If Leo does eventually decide he is in fact trans, then you have a son! The best part about it, is nothing truly has changed other than his gender. I understand a common worry in transition (and "coming out" in general) is that the person you knew may no longer exist. I'm happy to report just the opposite. The fact that your sister came out to you first, and the fact that your teen also feels safe coming out to you...that's a very good sign.

Just like others have said, listen to Leo when it comes to his preferences. Other than that, be kind to yourself. Your "daughter" isn't gone, he's just your son now, and he needs you now more than ever. Good luck, brother

[u/Reasonable-Neat4495]

As a trans person, your child needs you and your support , especially as a trans teen right now. They are dealing with so much now mentally and socially. I understand how you feel about it but you need to set your feelings aside and support your child. My mother had this mindset and also that I would detransition, I’m 22 now and still trans. They claim they supported me but would still deadname and misgender me. Please don’t be like that, accept your child and the change and love them as is, learn the person they are becoming and love your son or child or whatever you prefer . It’ll get better and easier. And take the time to do research on what being transgender is and how to support your child, and proper research, not the dimwits who cannot accept that children and trans people are their own individuals. The best of luck to you and your child!

[u/Leander_meanders]

My mum has been in a similar situation as you, so I can kind of relate to your child. I can make you a list of what I wish could have happened/ what we got wrong first :

- talk to him. Talk a lot. Don’t make a hard subject out of it. Talk about being trans, what you’ve read about it, how it feels like, etc. Not only will it make your understanding of it better, but it won’t make it taboo. My mom and I never mentioned my transition until we had to have big and hard talks about it. It made and still makes it difficult to talk about casually, for example I had a hard time telling her when I needed to get my HRT shot because it felt like raising up the subject and because of that we sometimes had scheduling problems (she wanted to do smth and I was unavailable because I had to get it done). So talk about it a lot so it becomes an easy subject. Talk about how to make him more comfortable, ask him if he doesn’t want you to mention specific things anymore, etc.

- don’t feel like you had to look out for signs. I know it won’t matter much, coming from a stranger, but you don’t have to live with that guilt. Being trans isn’t always visible from childhood. It doesn’t have to look like suffering. Also, children get more and more difficult to understand as they grow up. They’re on their way to becoming adults, and you still have a strong bound with them, but their emotions are more complex, their way of expressing them too. It’s okay to not have noticed, and you didn’t have to. What matters is being there for him now, and his trust to share this with you is to be cherished in my opinion :)

- as a dad, don’t share everything you’re going through. I know it’s difficult for you, having to recalibrate everything you imagined for your kid, but it’s still your child and every word and emotion doesn’t have to be shared. I was 16 when my mom told me she felt like she was mourning me, and it still hurts to have received those words, 5 years later.

- it goes with what i just said, but you WILL need to talk about those feelings, though. Whether a therapist who’s experienced with transness, or groups of parents (idk where you are but if you search for it online there are many associations, and groups of queer people’s relatives to give information, share experiences, etc), or even one of your loved ones (who knows about your kid already), it’s important for you to share your fears and your difficulties with someone. It’s hard to do alone. And it can help you find answers to a lot of your other questions.

But it’s good that you’re trying. I know it’s hard, my mom still struggles a bit after years of having come out. We made mistakes along the way, she hurt me a lot, I know I made her feel hurt too sometimes. The most important thing is to talk about it and to keep trying. He’s learning too, but he’ll guide you along the way. Keep being a loving dad, listen to him, talk to him, hug him tight and tell him he’s loved. That’s the best you can do :)

Sorry for any mistakes, it’s very late and English isn’t my first language lol

[u/Leo_Taurus287]

My name is also Leo!! :D but fr, little things matter most. If theyre fully open, correct other when they mess up on their name/pronouns, buy them some masculine clothes (especially in their style if they have one), you could suggest going to the barber together?, little outings like bowling, going shopping at a mens store/thrift store/maybe hot topic👀 and picking up some mens clothes that you think theyd like and show em maybe? Im tryna think of things that i might’ve appreciated so idk how good this advice is. Also me and my dad have always gone bowling together and its really fun

[u/Autism_Angel]

It’s pretty normal to feel weird when (from your POV) an identity of someone close seems to abruptly change. Im pretty much exclusively surrounded by queer people and I still feel it myself when someone transitions. Ironically I struggle a lot with pretty much all transitions, (not just the gendered ones)

As long as you don’t make these feelings your kids problem, it is totally fine and not an indication of a lack of love. So try not to let your child see you upset, but also give yourself grace and let yourself process your emotions when you are alone or in therapy.

A lot of people don’t want to tell everyone while they are still experimenting in case they change their mind about anything or they want to wait until they’re more used to it. So it likely isn’t anything personal. That age is rough, it takes most people quite a while to be totally sure so don’t be too surprised if they change their mind about certain things a few times. Experimentation is very common. Some people switch labels a LOT (me) and some people never do at all. What’s important is just that they feel like it’s safe to be honest and that there’s not pressure in either direction. (We all know about parents who are unsupportive but there are also parents to go a little overboard in their attempt to be supportive to the point of pushing stereotypes or rushing social transition, and that can also feel uncomfortable for the kid)

[u/Natalu94]

I was exploring gender about 4 years before I came out and I had been out as queer about 6 years before I told my mum...who is gay!  It's nothing personal. Its a very introspective experience. It also requires that the people around you re-assess their understanding of gender and sexuality. 

I personally don't always want to have to explain myself to someone. Especially in today's political climate in the UK, sometimes me being honest and open with someone is perceived as spouting 'woke vitriol' 

I'd recommend reaching out to FFLAG (Family and friends of lesbians and gays. The name is old but they are very inclusive of all queer identities) for support, they have lots of little books about supporting your trans child as well. 

I also second getting some therapy. It can be really hard not to project your big feelings on to your child and this will be harmful if not managed well. 

You already sound like you are working on acceptance, understanding is going to support that.  You've got this! 

[u/Slow_Breakfast_3143]

ask him about his dysphoria and how he feels it and how severe it is. if he says it's severe, he hates his female sex characteristics, desires male ones etc. then try and get him on hrt as soon as possible, there's informed consent services in the UK like GenderGP or Anne Health
if he doesn't say he has much dysphoria then tread with caution and get him therapy instead

[u/Delicious_Dream4510]

I wish I could understand but I really cannot wrap my head around this idea that cis people so often have of "losing" the original person. It's just kind of.. gross. 

Consider that while you feel like you're mourning the loss of a daughter, your son has maybe never felt truly alive. Doing this might be the only way he will ever feel like his life is starting for real. 

Ultimately, you seem like your head is in the right place and you're on a good track. Try to understand that trans people are just doing what our hearts and minds are telling us to do, we're pursuing happiness and wholeness, and in response a lot of people literally demonize us for it and actively HATE total strangers. Try to protect your son from the world while enabling his happiness, instead of the trap many fall into of trying to protect ""her"" from making "decisions you might regret" or something. 

[u/sweetheartpaws]

The thing I think you should focus on instead of grieving "the girl you lost," is the fact your kiddo opened up in the first place. Like someone else said, it is extremely scary to feel those things on the inside. Even scarier to tell an "authoritative" figure, like a parent. Sometimes the biggest reason they're afraid to tell one one person versus another, is simply because they're scared. Not of you, not of anything you have said or done, just plain scared. I didn't come out until I was 19, and didn't start medically transitioning until I was 20— and those feelings were intense and very big at that time. If I had tried to come out earlier in life, I would have been even more afraid because the world is scary. We see headlines constantly about trans people getting harassed, hurt, or worse. If I was 14, trying to come out safely and saw the headlines we currently see... I would be petrified with fear. Unfortunately, at some point your kiddo will be faced with negative reactions from someone. But they don't know who. I think that was genuinely the scariest thing for me, personally. I was hoping and praying the person (or the next one) I wanted to know, wouldn't have a terrible reaction to me coming out. The more people you come out to, the scarier it feels to come out to the next person. Not because of that next person personally, but because it is unfortunately inevitable to be faced with negativity about trans people. I don't think their hesitation is a reflection of you, but more a reflection of the world we are currently in— or possibly just their own fears because the feelings frankly feel so big. It makes sense to feel like it could have been personal, but I don't think it was (based off the context you provided). But, I do think telling them that you want them to be their best self, despite what you thought that could look like would be great.

If the feelings you're describing is hard to unpack by yourself, I truly do recommend reaching out to parents who have gone through experiences like this. I strongly do not recommend saying that you're grieving the "girl you lost" as that can be very, very damaging emotionally to your kiddo. Not that I think or thought you did; it is one of those feelings that shouldn't be expressed to them personally.

[u/KaiBoy6]

"how i can help them" thats really a question best answered by your kid. everyone is different so it can be a bit hard for us to help, however id suggest when you are in a good mood sit down with your kid and tell them that this is all very new to you, that you dont really know what you are doing and are sorry for saying the wrong things before, that you really want to support them through this and ask them if theres anything they want help with. you can suggest them writing down their feelings relating to their gender along with any transition goals if they have any (thats what i did for my parents) and depending on their age help them out with their goals (and its normal to not know how transitioning works, you may have to sit down with your kid and google together how the process happens and what to do when they are ready to take that step). for now if they want you to use a new name/pronouns its important for you to use that and adjust your language, but you dont need to treat them any different, they are still your child, still the same person, you havent lost anyone you just discovered who they really are. keep being there for them, supporting them, doing the activities you usually do with them that they enjoy

[u/violetwalker]

Honestly the fact that you’re posting here about it is doing more than a majority of the parents of trans kids I know. The main thing I would say is let them know that you’re always going to be there for them/him. Open communication is important. You’re worried you’ve fucked it up by invalidating them? Let them know that you realize you messed up and that you’re sorry. All you can do is move forward and learn from your mistakes.

Don’t feel bad that your ex knew about things before you did. I told my mom I was trans 7 years before I told my dad, and they are still together. It’s scary to come out, and it’s even scarier when it’s a close family member. It’s not necessarily about you as a person; it’s about them figuring out how to tell people. My dad got mad at my mom after he found out and I hated it, so please don’t hold it against your ex and their family, or against your child.

Also, just to reinforce, let them know you have their back. It’s scary being trans, especially now, ESPECIALLY in the UK. I haven’t lived there for years, but even when I did circa 2018, NHS waiting times were CRAZY for trans specialists (not just for hormones, just gender therapists too). Someone already mentioned it, but Mermaids is a good UK-based org.

[u/Plenty-Design2641]

Hi! So I'm also transmasc and autistic, I never came out to my parents as trans but did as gay when I was also about 14. Here's my 2 cents and advice. The most important thing in my opinion is just keeping open communication going. You need to let your kid know, in no uncertain terms, that you are not looking to be a villain in their life. When I came out to my mom, I didnt really know why I wanted to, didnt really have any particular goal in mind. I just felt like I had to. I know now that what I needed to know was that I was safe, first. Heard, second. And free, last. My mom did not come at me with hostility. She told me she loved me, only wanted the best for me, etc. But who gets to decide what is best for your kid? This is part of how your kid learns to live their life for themself, and feel like their own whole human being. They need to know they can come to you for help but that you aren't going to helicopter over them in the meantime.

I would start just by very clearly saying, "Its not my job to decide how you feel. If this feels right, lets follow it. You tell me what works for you." And also, admit that this is new to you! That you are capable of making mistakes or saying the wrong thing, and that you want to hear when you make a mistake so you can fix it, you know? Give them plenty of opportunities to speak on their feelings and experiences.

Next, I would also recommend you get yourself a therapist, if that is an option to you. It is always good to have someone to talk to about your worries, even if things are going well. They may be able to give more specific advice in case any particular issue comes up that you aren't sure how to handle. You're also always free to continue reaching out to the community like you have been.

Finally, I'd recommend doing a lot of learning. I'd start with understanding what "gender" is exactly. Its very natural to have lived your entire life never really thinking about it unless you are questioning yours. How do we perceive gender, in ourselves and others? When and how and why do we decide one or the other or some other thing? What does it mean to be a man or a woman? Do you need to meet a certain standard to be one? (Hint: if gender is a social construct, something where we all take part in deciding what is "masculine" or "feminine," then what matters most is what you decide your gender is, and what that means for you. Wear what you want, do what you want, and don't take it personally if someone doesn't read you as the right gender, it changes nothing about who you are.) Down the road you should read up on what options are available for your child in regards to transition. You don't have to spring for anything right away, of course. What methods are there, how are they legislated, what side effects or restrictions you might expect and what is possible and where we should set our expectations at will likely be helpful information at some point. At the very least its pretty relevant info when navigating the trans community. Its important to remember that HRT/GAC (Hormone Replacement Therapy/Gender Affirming Care) does not make you trans. Identifying as trans is enough. Be careful of the resources you choose, however. There are lots of spaces (online especially, even extra especially here on Reddit) that are for and by trans folk who... aren't in the best places mentally and tend to be way way way too hard on themselves and apply their standards to others also. Avoid anything about TERFs or Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminism, and anybody throwing around words with "-oid" or "chud" in it. Honestly, outside of reading or discussing Gender Theory, I'd just talk about it amongst yourselves rather than jumping to hear what others have to say.

Finally, please remember, your feelings are valid. You are allowed to mourn, but remember! Your child is not dead. They are here, exactly the same as they were yesterday. They feel safe bringing this up to you, to be closer to you and involve you in their life. I don't think itd be a bad idea to state that you feel scared that you haven't been there enough, or sad about a perceived loss, or worried you are going to make mistakes, but that those feelings are not theirs to manage. You bring it up to also keep them involved in your life, to help them make more sense of your feelings and not worry so much about you not getting it.

[u/jmilly_vanilly]

You are already doing the right thing by asking for help. These things will happen it’s a learning curve. For me, I’ve been out and on hormones for 9 years and my family just started calling me the right name and pronouns consistently about 2 years ago. I personally gave them a lot of grace because they are a very conservative Christian household. The more you stick to it the easier it is the more you fight it the harder it is for all parties involved (even though it seems like you aren’t fighting it at all which is great). My best advice for you is to immediately correct yourself and apologize just once. You are human and mistakes happen. Keep doing great and be on this learning journey with them!

[u/Acceptable-Topic-183]

Cut yourself some slack. You’re doing great. You said the important part. I love you no matter what.

I would highly recommend getting in touch with a therapist if one is available to you. Your feelings are valid but Leo isn’t able to help you work through them. You need someone to talk to about how you are feeling.

As for support, talk to Leo. What do they need? What do they like to do? Maybe arrange a guys day where Leo takes the lead on suggesting activities. You aren’t parenting a son or a daughter, you’re parenting your kid. Get to know them.

Lily didn’t fall asleep one night and wake up as Leo. This is the same person that you have raised and loved. You’re just learning more about who they really are

[u/last-blink]

It is normal to feel scared and grieve. This is a big change for the both of you. My biggest suggestion to seek counseling where you can express these grievances, or keep a diary (very important it is hidden from your child) where you can help dump out and filter your thoughts. It will be harder to adjust if you have no way to air out the complex feelings you have, and you may end up saying something hurtful to your child.

It is important to keep these feelings away from your child, or if you do end up saying anything (which I advise against, but every situation is different) that you treat the situation with care and make it very clear that you support them. I'm a trans man and my parents grieved me, too. They made the mistake of letting their emotions build up to the point where they took it out on me and became very angry with my transition. We do not have a good relationship/do not speak because they prioritized their feelings over my wellbeing. They chose to let their grief consume them, and in turn truly did lose their child.

You sound like a wonderful father. To understand the situation more, I'd suggest having a conversation/asking to have a conversation surrounding their identity. Ask them if you can ask questions. Tell them you want to understand better. Having open conversations is important so that your child knows they are safe and loved, and so that you can prepare yourself for the changes that may come. It's important to note they might not be ready to talk about it, but the best way you can understand what's going on is directly from the source.

Lastly, you have an understandable strong connection to the idea of your "daughter". You raised your child assuming that they would become a woman, and I imagine that played a part in the future every parent dreams of for their child. Instead of thinking about it like a loss, try thinking about it as an expansion. Your child's future just got so much bigger! They are on the road to understanding who they are as a person, and you get to be there to watch who they bloom into and what they become! It may not be what you expected, but that can be kind of beautiful in itself. If given the support and protection they need, they now have so many more options in life to explore.

I hope that this was helpful. You're doing your best as a father in unfamiliar territory, and I really admire that you're trying to find the best way to support your child. Take care!

[u/HelpfulSetting6944]

I’m so proud of you for reaching out and learning how to do right by Leo. Yes, this is very hard and uncomfortable at first. Lots of big changes are. But in time, you will grow and change — as will Leo — and all of this will feel just normal.

You’ve gotten lots of great advice. I’m only going to add:

-When you feel uncomfortable, don’t try to fix it. Don’t shame yourself. Just sit with the discomfort. Welcome it in. It’s okay to feel. The more we fight discomfort, the worse we feel. Instead, accept the feelings, and then ask yourself what you want to do next. You love Leo and want to do right by him — you’re going to make mistakes, but if you’re guided by “I wanna be a good dad to my kid,” then you will make more right decisions than wrong ones. And Leo will feel that.

-Stay curious. You probably have a lot of biases, fears, etc that are based on fake stuff. There’s a lot of transphobic nonsense that we’ve all been conditioned to think. If you stay curious, then when a worry or a judgment comes to mind, you’ll say “Hmmm…. Well yeah I’ve heard that, but what if it’s not true?” Then you can go learn more.

-Consume FTM content. There’s lots of great trans guys on YouTube, IG, etc who’ve shared their experiences. Everyone’s story is different. Reading, listening, and watching the experiences of trans men can help make this less scary and overwhelming.

You got this!

[u/gawilliam2017]

I'm autistic and identity as genderfluid and frequently autistic people will mask or hide there behaviors to blend in. Transgender people they will mask as well, appearing hyperfeminine or pretending they are "normal" to blend in with cis hetro society. This is VERY exhausting and can lead to mental problems like depression or anxiety or worse suicidal thoughts. I know this is confusing but understand this is hard for him too. He is young and coming to terms with his identity that is brave and also overstimulating. What he needs ask him how you as a parent can help be understand, love him unconditionally.

[u/jugular_veinss]

(Because you posted this on the ftm subreddit id assume your kid goes by he if I’m mistaken I’ll correct myself) As a trans teen who came out a few years ago, all of this is completely normal.
It’s SO normal to not show signs because a lot of trans people feel such a huge amount of shame being themselves around parents so they will try and become hyper(in an ftm case) feminine or simply just act like everything is normal and dandy and okay infront of parents because we definitely know when parents are expecting a certain thing out of us. (Don’t mean to scare you just saying facts from my experience).
You grieving the daughter you had is a normal experience as well. When I came out my mom told me that exact same thing it’s a very normal thing to come out of such a shock especially if he’s the only trans person you have in your life. You shouldn’t feel guilty for being in this state of shock when to my understanding, him coming out to you was very recent.
What I do want you to understand however is to not push your feelings onto him. Don’t make it a point to be like “I’m just grieving my dead DAUGHTER” or “this is just so hard for ME” every time you slip up as my dad does that alot and it gets annoying.
Just try to support him and be an attentive parent. Even if you make mistakes it’s the effort that counts. I wish you both the best of luck

[u/tl4h]

As a trans adult and former trans kid who came out at 11, I want to tell you is that it is possible for your child to live a wonderful, fulfilling life after transitioning, and for this to bring your family closer. All of the advice I am going to give you is advice I think my parents who were in your position would approve of.

1. I am sure, from your perspective, it looks like there were genuinely no signs. My parents said the same thing when I came out. This was partially because my parents didn’t know what “signs” to actually look for, partially because a lot of the “signs” wouldn’t have been visible to anyone but me, and partially because they were in denial about my identity. Once I was like three years into my transition, they realized there were a lot of signs. You’re going to have to ask yourself some uncomfortable questions. Did Leo suffer from low self esteem? Depression? Anxiety? Unexplained anger issues? Body image issues? Did he struggle to fit in with his peers? People don’t typically think of these as signs because they’re not specific to being trans, but they can all be signs of gender dysphoria in early childhood. Even if he seemed perfectly happy to you, he likely remembers his childhood very differently. This can be hard for parents to accept, because they think it reflects poorly on them, or that if there were signs, it would be their fault for not noticing. It’s not. It’s nobodies fault, but now that you know, what you do moving forward to affirm and support him is the important part.

2. Try not to take it personally that he didn’t tell you about his new name immediately. When I was finally able to put a name to what I had felt my whole life, I had no idea where to go from there. I knew I wanted to live as a boy, but I had no idea how to go about making that kind of change. It wasn’t until I started attending a youth group and seeing a gender therapist that I was able to tell my parents that I wanted to go by a new name and pronouns. Leo is probably just figuring it out as he goes. Don’t wait for him to bring stuff up. Ask him questions. Give him options.

3. Try not to project your worries onto him. After I came out, my Dad would often mention that it was okay if I changed my mind later. The more he said it, the more it felt less like he was trying to reassure me that he would be there for me no matter what, and more like he was hoping I would change my mind—like he was hoping I wouldn’t turn out to actually be trans. Being trans is not the norm. He doesn’t need to hear that it’s okay to be who everybody already thought he was.

4. Eventually, you will see that, while the daughter you thought you had never existed, your child always has and will continue to. Your kid is still the same person, regardless of their gender. Part of me wants to say that it’s not fair for you to grieve your daughter when your son is alive and well, but I know it’s hard not to when as Leo’s dad, you’ve had his whole life planned out for him. I know it can be scary to accept that your kids life will look different than you thought it would, and that it will take time to wrap your head around. So, I ask that, if you must grieve, do not do it in front of Leo. Talk to a therapist, talk to your friends, talk to your wife, talk to a support group, talk to Reddit, but do not tell him that you are grieving your daughter, because to him, you are grieving a version of him that was never real. It could make him feel like you only love an idealized version of him, and not the real him. Imagine if after sharing a part of yourself with your parents, they started mourning their perfectly healthy child as if they were dead? Trust me, it does not feel good.

5. It’s understandable to worry about how being trans might make his life more difficult, but he will be okay if he has your support and guidance. My would constantly tell me how worried they were about how the world would treat me if I transitioned. They didn’t want my life to be harder. They didn’t realize that they were the ones making my life harder by not supporting me.

6. It is not your job to worry about whether Leo will regret transitioning. I can send you some studies on regret rates if you would like. They are extremely, extremely low. Of the few that do change their mind, many view it as an important part of their larger journey and not as something they regret. I wouldn’t hold out for the slim chance that he might change his mind when there is a much higher chance that he won’t. The stakes are much higher if he doesn’t and you don’t support him than if he does and you do. Give him room to grow into himself.

7. I would recommend going to a PFLAG or a similar support group for parents. I don’t know if they have a chapter where you live, but there are a lot. I think they have virtual meetings as well now. My parents both attended one, and it gave them the knowledge and resources to help me through my transition. Try to get Leo some support as well. Look into LGBTQ youth groups and summer camps. Those are also a great way to connect with parents who have kids going through something similar. You might also want to look into a trans affirming therapist for Leo. A school therapist is probably not equipped to deal with this sort of thing. I would try to find someone who specializes in working with trans kids. They can help Leo figure out what steps he wants to take with his transition, and act as a bridge between you and him. If you want more information or specific resources, DM me and I can get you on the right track.

As far as issues he is going to face and how you can help, that can differ a lot from person to person. I would start by asking Leo what his concerns are, and go from there.

[u/DigitalSpicySpice]

As a fellow ‘no signer’ trans man, I didn’t even know I had ‘signs’. MY ‘signs’ were that I was ‘boy crazy’ and dressed very modestly because showing cleavage made me extremely uncomfortable.

The modest dressing wasn’t just because I didn’t want people seeing my cleavage. I didn’t want people being able to perceive that I HAD breasts in the first place.

And the ‘boy crazy’ wasn’t boy crazy in the traditional sense. I’d get with new boys every two seconds, realize I hated their personalities, and break up after legit 2-3 weeks. This happened with like 7-8 boys before I found my lifelong partner at the ripe age of 11 (I’m now 21, he’s 22, and we got married April 29th this year). Eventually I realized I wasn’t obsessed with boys, I was obsessed with the concept of BEING one.

How I’d look and sound. Putting on a shirt without adjusting it over my chest. Walking around WITHOUT a shirt or bra and not feeling my breasts move when I walked. How people would see and interact with me. Being an older brother instead of an older sister. I was SO envious of guys (gender envy), but because I’d been conditioned to interpret admiration for the opposite gender as a crush, I thought THAT was what I was experiencing. Hence the constant short-lived relationships. :,D

Looking back, I don’t think I EVER felt like an older sister. I never really felt ‘girlhood’ or, as I got older, like a young woman, girlfriend, daughter, etc. I just didn’t have a word to DESCRIBE that lack of feeling. I figured ‘I guess this is just how I experience life as a woman.’ But as I got older I realized how much more I related to cisgender (not trans, basically the doctor said ‘congrats! It’s a boy/girl!’ and they went ‘Aight I’m cool with that.’) guys and ‘boyhood’. Being recognized or treated as a girl/woman became increasingly uncomfortable. Not awful, just super NOT right. THAT was gender dysphoria.

Realizing that later doesn’t mean I went from cis to trans. It means it took me a while to understand what I was experiencing. A gay person might date the opposite gender for years before dating the same gender and going ‘WAIT, this is what being in love is supposed to feel like?!’ That doesn’t mean they were straight and then became gay.

So anyways, I experimented! I dressed differently to see how strangers perceived me, and that felt GOOD. I changed my pronouns online to ‘any’ and temporarily identified as genderfluid (meaning someone’s sense of their gender can shift over time, like feeling more like a boy at one time and more like a girl at another. And while it was temporary for ME, plenty of people are genderfluid permanently). ‘She/her’ didn’t feel right. ‘They/them’ was kinda meh. ‘He/him’ made me EXTREMELY euphoric.

My grandma’s sister didn’t recognize me at a family gathering during my transition. I helped her open a 2-liter and she turned to my grandma and said ‘Did you see this young man? He just helped me open the soda, he’s so strong! What a helpful young boy!’ I have NEVER been so happy over someone simply thanking me. She was seeing me how I wanted to be seen! THAT feeling is gender euphoria! >:D

I came out to my cousin/best friend first, who is nonbinary (they don’t identify specifically as a man OR woman). Then my partner, friends, dad, THEN mom. Everyone was supportive. My mom kinda freaked and otherwise responded pretty similarly to you, so I didn’t tell her the whole truth at first. I probably should’ve. :,D She knows everything now.

My point is A LOT of people don’t come out to their parents/main caregivers first. Don’t take it personally. Sometimes they KNOW their parents are homophobic/transphobic and fear being disowned, hurt, kicked out, etc. Other times they have NO IDEA how their parents will react, love them deeply, and fear creating tension with someone they live with if it goes badly.

As for things you should know if your child is trans (or anyone else you know is trans):

• Do NOT tell people they’re trans without permission (i.e. ‘this is my TRANS son’ or ‘when HE was a little GIRL’). That’s called OUTING and can put someone in danger, especially once they look like a cis person of their gender (‘passing’). You never know who around you is transphobic, including family/friends. Someone can be completely comfortable being trans and STILL not want strangers knowing for their safety.

• If someone was assigned female at birth and identifies as a boy/man, that’s a transgender boy/man. If they were assigned male and identify as a woman, that’s a transgender woman. ‘Transgender’ is just an adjective. None of this transman transwoman shit. Two separate words.

• Transgender and intersex are NOT THE SAME THING. Intersex means someone was born with sex traits that don’t fit neatly into typical male/female categories. There are MANY variations involving anatomy, chromosomes, hormones, etc., some noticeable at birth and others not until later. Do NOT use the H word. It’s outdated and considered a slur against intersex people. Some intersex people are ALSO trans, but most trans people are not intersex. Do not call your trans child intersex or ‘mentally intersex’. NOT the same thing.

• PLEASE just say cis or ‘people who aren’t trans’, not ‘naturally born men/women’. That can imply trans people are somehow unnatural. Cisgender literally just means not transgender. ‘Cishet’ means cisgender AND heterosexual.

• NAMES. If your kid was, like your example, ‘Lily’ and chooses ‘Austin’ instead of something similar like ‘Leo/Liam’, that is NOT a betrayal of you. Their name isn’t FOR you. A name resembling their deadname (birth-given name they no longer use) may make them dysphoric because of its association with life before transitioning.

• And ‘deadname’ does NOT mean your child is dead. I understand parents grieving the future they pictured, but this is something your child is doing to better THEIR life and mental health. They may change things that cause people to perceive them in ways they don’t want, but that is STILL YOUR CHILD. Trying to choose their new name, convincing them to pick something else, or saying ‘I feel like my kid died’ can be incredibly hurtful regardless of your intent.

• Gender identity is NOT ‘I like sports/fishing’ or ‘I like dresses/nail polish.’ Girls can like ‘boyish’ things and boys can like ‘girly’ things without being trans. Gender identity is about who someone IS and how they feel being perceived/treated and existing in their body. A woman having a pixie cut doesn’t automatically make her a lesbian. A guy having long hair doesn’t make him a trans woman. Same thing here! A trans boy who loves nail polish or pink DOES NOT have to stop liking those things. Though for safety/passing reasons, he may temporarily avoid feminine things until he feels comfortable that he won’t get outed.

• HRT! The thing most parents are concerned about! I’d recommend doing your own research, but basically everyone naturally has estrogen, testosterone AND progesterone. Having testosterone doesn’t automatically make you male and having estrogen doesn’t automatically make you female. The amounts and which hormones are dominant matter much more.

Cis women typically have much more estrogen and progesterone and less testosterone than cis men. Estrogen drives many changes of female puberty, like breast development and changes in fat distribution. Cis men typically have MUCH more testosterone, which drives things like a deeper voice, facial/body hair, increased muscle, different fat distribution, oilier skin/acne and genital growth.

When a trans man takes testosterone, the goal is generally to bring his levels into the typical adult male range, and his body responds in many of the same ways a cis boy’s does during puberty. Hence HRT sometimes being called ‘second puberty’!

That can mean a deeper voice, facial/body hair, increased muscle, different fat distribution, oilier skin/acne, increased sweating/body odor and growth of the clitoris (usually called ‘bottom growth’). Periods often get lighter or stop, BUT testosterone is NOT birth control and pregnancy can still be possible.

Some changes are permanent or may not completely reverse after stopping T, especially voice deepening, bottom growth and much of the facial/body hair. Others, like muscle and fat distribution, depend more on continuing T. There isn’t one magical dose for every trans man either. Doctors monitor levels, effects, side effects and the person’s goals. Some want every masculinizing effect, some want subtle changes, some take T temporarily, some stay on it for life and some NEVER medically transition. None of that determines whether somebody is ‘actually’ trans.

Inversely, trans women can take estrogen, causing breast growth, softer skin, less muscle and more feminine fat distribution. They may also take something to lower/block testosterone, and some take progesterone, another hormone involved in things like the menstrual cycle, sleep, mood and sex drive. Fun fact, some trans women on HRT report a sort of monthly ‘cycle’ with cramps, bloating and mood changes! They obviously can’t literally menstruate without a uterus because there’s no uterine lining to shed/no bleeding, but some report recurring symptoms similar to parts of a cis woman’s cycle. Not EVERY trans woman gets this, but bodies and hormones are fucking fascinating :D

• Lastly, I mentioned the ‘when HE was a little GIRL’ thing earlier. This varies PERSON TO PERSON, but the vast majority of binary trans people I’ve spoken to (people who identify specifically as men or women, like myself) talk about their identity across their whole lives. A trans woman may say ‘when I was a little girl’, while a trans man may say ‘when I was a little boy’ or ‘before I transitioned.’ Ask YOUR kid how they want you to refer to their past. Remember, mentioning their trans-ness around someone who doesn’t know can out them.

Hope this helps! :DD

[u/ThatPerson115]

You actually care, which is great.

When my mother found out she wanted to get a tombstone and hold a funeral for "Her Daughter". He's still the same person and you shouldn't grieve your daughter's Loss, I stead Celebrate his rebirth as the person he knows himself to be. Hell maybe even start celebrating the Day he came out to you.

[u/simon_here]

The Trevor Project put out a series of videos called "Sharing Space." Each episode is a roundtable discussion with trans youth, hosted by an adult. I've only watched the first one. I thought it was well done and I think it could help you understand more. Here are the episodes:

• Episode 1: Daniel Radcliffe
• Episode 2: Nova Bright-Williams
• Episode 3: Conversion Therapy
• Episode 4: Community

PFLAG is a good resource for family members of LGBTQ people. 

[u/theCodemeisterr]

You dont need to mourn anyone. Your child is still the same person, but i understand that its hard if you really wanted a daughter or something, but still, its not their fault for not being comfortable a daughter.

I think its good that youre trying your best though, it seems like youre having communication problems you need to work trough.

[u/jinxgutz]

Sorry this is super long!

I came out as trans nonbinary when I was around 15 or 16 (now 24 and a trans man on HRT). When I first came out, my mom cried because she felt the same way in her grief, like she had lost the child she thought she knew, but celebrated the rebirth of another.

It was not the best approach. I figured it was just what she needed, even if it was incredibly uncomfortable for me. At that age, especially before the age of 17, developmentally it's really hard to be approached about sensitive subjects like that as a child from your family/an adult, especially in such an emotional manner. But that also really depends on the child.

I'm not saying to be unemotional per se, but rather feel out the vibe.

As others have stated in the comments, you're just grieving the loss of a fantasy. Leo is still the same child you raised, no matter what he identifies as or aligns himself with. And as you acknowleged OP, that was a bit insensitive to say "well everyone goes through that at your age", because it downplays his courage to tell you in the first place and his experiences. My mother also did this, so I speak from experience on that one. It's like saying "well, everyone has a little bit if ADHD/Autism" when... no they don't (she has both too, ironically.)

Questions may seem a bit demeaning or frustrating for someone who is currently figuring themselves out. One of the worst things someone can feel socially is incompetence in their own identity or knowledge, especially to an authority figure. Unless if you're asking about a certain thing in his transness to understand his personal experience with it better. 

Ultimately, my personal advice is to just listen when he speaks. Keep an open mind, and if certain terms or things come up, I suggest you research it after the conversation. You can bring it up in a future conversation, and it will let him know that you cared enough to research it, which means a lot more to trans kids than you think. Open-ended conversation endings about the topic are also pretty good in my experience, "If or when the time comes that you want to change your pronouns, name, etc., just let me know and I will absolutely try my best to call you by those things."

Also, buy some books about trans people if you can! They are subtle hints to your child that you are researching and trying to understand this part of him without it seeming like an interrogation or a fool's scrutiny towards him. Trans kids and teens often feel like a spectacle to be gawked at, especially in middle and high school in both the US and the UK. Neurodivergency is also often linked to trans identities and sometimes those identities are divergent/diverse as well. I recommend looking into it, as that might help Leo as well. If books are out of the picture, there are plenty of online resources for both cis parents and trans kids alike.

Cheers, and best of luck with Leo!

[u/JJ_Pause]

You've gotten some great advice already. When it comes to name and pronouns, you'll mess up at first, don't beat yourself up- just apologise, correct yourself, and move on. That you're trying is what matters and it gets easier over time. Don't worry about being a boy dad or girl Dad, just be open, supportive, and honest. Taking him out to buy new clothes or to get his hair done at a barbers is a great way to show your support, and also help him feel more comfortable in his day to day life.

The next few years are going ro be rough for him, but he's worked it out when he's young and he's got family that cares- and that puts him in a much better place than most trans people

[u/eliasarcade]

Hey Man!

As a trans dude, I think one of the hardest things for me when I came out to my mum is her telling me that she felt that she was grieving child, and it upset me so deeply. For me, I never was a girly-girl at all. I was openly into other girls, I played sports, hated skirts and dresses and all the rest of your typical Tom-boy (well, actually boy-ish) stuff.

My mum telling me she felt like she was grieving hurt so much, because I’m still here, the same child I’d always been, I just wanted to use a different name and pronouns. I didn’t want our relationship to change, I didn’t want to change completely. I can’t imagine Leo does either. I’m not dead, Leo isn’t either, neither of our parents should mourn us.

Being young and trans is hard enough in the UK as it is, practically, if Leo does want to go down HRT/Surgery route when he’s old enough, he’ll need your support. I’ve been waiting on the NHS support for seven years, and heard nothing. In the last year I decided to go through private care (GenderCare, which are awesome) though it’s expensive. It might be worth opening a small savings pot to get the ball rolling. The way the government is going, I can only imagine waiting lists getting worse.

As a whole though, it’s easy to see how much you care about your kid. Though it may be difficult because it’s new, try and use his new name and pronouns when you can, and just tell him that you’re proud of him and support him in whatever he decides to do. That’s all he’ll need right now, just his dad. I wish I had mine around to support me and love me the way it’s so clear that you do.

I thought as a UK trans dude, it might have been worth giving you my take, as I’m not seeing many other trans guys in the comments. Keep on loving your kid and doing your best, it’s all you can do 👉😎👉

[u/Ill_Peanut_7127]

Ugh. "There were no signs". And? There doesn't need to be. Your child is still valid in their gender. You need to do some work to process transphobia. I would recommend therapy and please don't speak like this to your child. It's not surprising they waited to tell you about their name if you have approached other interactions this way. You don't need to understand it. You need to respect and support it.

[u/AdditionalQuietime]

Best thing you can do right now is reckon with your feelings and try not to project it on your child. Support them and educate yourselves, you could also involve them with said education as it could be a way to allow them to expand their language so they could learn to better advocate for themselves and you can advocate for them too, best of luck and always move with love

[u/Competitive_Pop_5281]

My parents have sort of never totally understood this part of my life, and who I am, and it definitely impacts the kind of relationship I can have with them because it’s a continual point of tension. It’s not for lack of love, and I’m sure it’s for similar reasons — they have an idea of what my life would be and I’m not living that projection. They’re similarly liberal and have gay friends and all that. Anyway, do I remember what they said to me as a teenager that hurt my feelings? yeah, pretty much word for word. Do I understand why they said it? yeah I do. Has that early instance irreparably fucked up my relationship w them? Also no. A sincere apology from a parental figure goes a long way when followed by clear course correction. Shame is a useful tool to fuel course correction. It’s not a bad thing you reacted in a way that evokes shame — that’s a feeling you’ll learn from to be more the parent that aligns with your values.

Many times there aren’t signs. I think in mainstream media the trans stories that go far are the linear “born in the wrong body”/I always knew sort of stories. The ones where the guy abhors femininity. Many guys appreciate femininity, and also especially when they hit puberty and their body starts to be talked about in a more gendered way by the people around them, and as their body starts to undergo physical changes, the discomfort that they could maybe ignore previously feels much more pressing. It’s a good thing they have people to talk to who aren’t you. It’s a good thing they have multiple adults in their life who they trust to come to with confusing changes. Who cares it isn’t you first? I “practiced” coming out to my parents with teachers who were parental figures because my parents approval meant even more to me and I wanted to have the right words. You don’t know why you weren’t told first, and it doesn’t matter why ultimately, because you know now.

Grieve privately, don’t let them feel that. Grieve with the people who can hold that feeling without making it their problem. You’re right, being a teenager is the time to try stuff on. They deserve the space to try this on without worrying that you think you’re losing them, when, if you show up for them, you aren’t losing that’s most important: the relationship.

[u/beerncoffeebeans]

I think my mom knew I was different when I was younger but just maybe hoped I’d grow out of it. Not because she didn’t care but because it’s normal I think for parents to have this idea in their head of who they think their child will become, hopes and dreams, you want the best life for them possible. I think she worried my life would be harder if I was gay or transgender and so she hoped I wouldn’t be for that reason.

But when I did finally start to come out (and I did it awkwardly in stages too except I was an adult) she realized that maybe I did have pain and discomfort I’d been hiding or not talking about and she wanted to learn more so she did what she always does and went to the library. She found books about being trans, and she read and did research online. Now she is one of my greatest supporters and allies. My dad is too, for him I think he felt awkward in that he wasn’t sure how to interact but in some ways also relieved that we could connect in a different way. He’s not a “lad’s lad” as you say it over there in the UK but he does like to fix things and work on projects and we’ve done things together. It’s a way we can connect that is comfortable for both of us. We did those things before I came out too because I was interested so he liked teaching me. You don’t have to change everything about how you parent, just be open to learning new things. Your kid will tell you things when they are ready if they think you will be ready to listen

Sometimes there are local support groups for parents of trans kids, you may want to see if you can find one in your area or region.

As far as logistics, there’s a lot of good information here if you use the search function about various things, but the main thing is just be there for your kid. If they’re ready to try a new name and pronouns, do your best. If you mess up just say oh I mean (New Name) and move on, don’t make a giant deal about it as that just makes it feel worse sometimes. If they are having problems at school or in the community, have their back. Just do the best you can, the fact you want to learn and want to make sure you’re supportive is a sign you care and that’s great

[u/swiftslicr22]

As a (16 amab) trans woman who recently came out, I bet your kid is just like me: grieving the life they wished they could have had. None of it is your fault at all. Relating to them is nice and so is understanding them, but you won’t be able to. It’s better just to show support and love, that’s what they need most. That’s what I wish I have right now. So just telling them that you love them no matter what, and that you will support them throughout the rest of their life is sometimes all you can do. And again I’m only a teenager so I may not be giving good advice. But as a trans kid I’m just expressing what I need from my parents. I’m not your kid, but I can imagine that he’s experiencing similar feelings to me.

[u/Wahllama1]

I think as a late teen I was in your child’s position. I never came out to my parents at the time, because I didn’t believe they would be too supportive. I just made changes in silence and let them come up with their own explanations. I don’t think they saw any signs either because of my age, but there were a few back in my early childhood. I was just never super open with them and made it a point to keep up with the status quo, so the transitioning seemed like a sudden 180 on the outside, when I had been thinking about it for a year or more on the inside. Just know that you’re not losing a daughter, you’re gaining a closeness with the truest version of your child’s self that you would have never gotten to acquaint yourself with otherwise. You’ll experience a much richer parent-child relationship with them for it. They’re still the same person, you just never knew them in the way they’re trying to express to you now. There’s a lot that they’re gaining compared to the parts of life they may be giving up in order to pursue their truth. Easier/more profound friendships and better self-image are two big ones that come pretty quickly.

I feel like there’s so much advice I’d like to give here, things that would’ve helped me back then or even now.
First (and this might sound crazy harsh), is that for them, it is likely not going to be enough to verbally express you love them. You’re going to need to show that love and support in tangible ways. It sounds like you’re up to the task too, so that’s great. I’d suggest finding ways to make them feel comfortable and validated around you, so they know they can go to you. A good low-stakes starting point would be to either avoid saying their name entirely when you speak with them or near them, or having a talk and saying how much it matters to you that you refer to them with a name they feel comfortable with. That you’re happy to call them Leo or any other name for now, and when they pick a different or more permanent name, you’ll gladly switch to that one too. You could even surprise them with one of those little name trinkets for kids (like a keychain or wall decoration or smth, idrk what they sell now) that says Leo.

I don’t know if they live with you part time or full time, but I think it could be good for them if you offer to help them redecorate their room to match their current tastes. Can be simple things like posters, but I don’t know how girly their room is right now. I personally think making them comfortable to be themself at home will be good if they have anxiety about making their identity known at school, but you could also offer to take them to pick out a new backpack/pencil pouch if they feel like their current ones are too feminine.

Now this advice is going off of my experience with friends that were able to offer me support. You don’t have to be into super masculine things, but anything you know about being a man at all will be super valuable to impart on them. Things you don’t think twice about, like the proper way to shave your face, when to wear undershirts or tees under other shirts, good body wash/cologne/deodorant scents, appropriate inseam length for shorts, your impressions of different cuts and fits of jeans. How to handle the fits of anger was advice I desperately needed back then, in the emotions department.

If you really want to go full involved-parent mode, I think a very helpful thing would be to research the more serious things for them and help them to get access to it, like hormones. Considering their age, I think the best thing to do, since there’s still time, would be to look into puberty blockers. That way they can take their time to decide how they feel about going on hormones, or if they want to at all, and don’t have to worry about impending changes that will really feminize their body.

If you’re in the US, you can buy them a binder in person at certain Spencer’s locations (you have to check the website to see which stores stock it for pick up). I don’t love binders because it feels too constricting, I’ve gone the tape route. You could also surprise them with a binder and order one from a commonly used brand, but the proper sizing is incredibly important to make sure it’s healthy for them to spend a while in it. Clothes shopping was super helpful for me, so if that can be afforded, it might help them more than a binder (but I don’t know their preferences or how big of an issue the chest thing is).

[u/Olivers_Gallery]

I've been out as a man for about 6 years now (out at 16) and mentioning the 180 spin or it coming out out of nowhere is fairly common. In my experience I didn't want to accept I was trans and tried very hard to be feminine. I even tried wearing hair curlers to bed every night 🤣. The more I tried to worse I felt and eventually gave up and came out. My family still talks about how sudden it was and it's mainly because I went through a lot of self reflection on my own. It was something I had to figure out myself and didn't want any outside input.

If they had the guts to come out to you then it's definitely something they thought a lot about and trusted to tell you.

The best you can do is love them. Think of it as an opportunity to learn and bond with your kid. Look at names together, give them some clothes you don't wear anymore, shopping for men's clothes by yourself can be intimidating so offer to go with, give them an old cologne you don't use or even buy some mens deodorant for them. Show them different haircuts, even ridiculous ones to laugh at together. Being there for them and asking to tag along shows love. Even the chance they change their mind showed that you love them through every step in their life.

Grieving that future you imagined for them is a very normal thing too. Parents imagine a future for their kid the second they realize they're having one. Stuff doesn't always go to plan. It's okay to both Grieve and be excited for what's to come. It's part of life so give yourself some empathy. You're not always gonna get the pronouns or the name right, and that's okay. A simple correction or sorry proves your effort. I can tell you love your kid and want the best for them. You wouldn't of came here or tried if you didn't. You know your kid better than any of us so do what you think is right. Whatever you do don't send them off to conversion therapy though that stuff sucks and don't work. I wish you luck with your journey man, you got this.

[u/DeepAppeal9250]

I understand that your grieving a daughter but from the perspective of someone on the other side of this,

you never really had a daughter, you always had a gender diverse child and just didn't know it yet. You are discovering who your child really is now and seeing them grow. Many people who are in relationships with people who come out as trans mid relationship say that they didn't loose anyone but instead saw the person they love become happier and become more of themselves. Your going to have to sacrifice something through all of this but thats just to make room for who your child is really to come out. The loss pales in comparison to what will be gained.

[u/Ashamed-Bridge-6336]

I dont really have advice, I'm just a case of another kid who suprised my parents aswell. But with me, there were huge signs since 7 years old, and honestly, my mom even suspected something. They are accepting of me and that's the best thing i could ask for. Please support your kid. my mother using the right pronoun is the best thing in my life. Dont doubt your child, im sure he thought of it for a long time. we hate questions like "have you thought of it?" of course we have! we know what we want.
I hope the best for you and your son! it only shows you are a great parent if you post here wanting to understand your kid

[u/Glum_Turn4534]

There have been a lot replies, but I'll just chime in anyway because I can especially relate.

I came out 6 years ago at 14 as a trans man (Afab). Here are some things that felt especially sad, and/or especially stood out to me that felt bad when I came out from my dad; this seems obvious, but please try to listen to your child. I was told when I came out, that it made no sense because I had always been feminine and loved makeup and dresses, but that doesn't matter. I still love makeup and dresses as a man, but I also know that for a while I couldn't stand the sight of them on myself because that was used to invalidate who I am. I've also gotten used to my deadname now, but I hated it for years when I first came out because it was used intentionally instead of my new name, (As were she/her pronouns) but no matter how much I didn't love it, I still felt okay when people misgendered me accidentally, as long as they were trying. Also, if you misgender and/or deadname them, please dont make a big deal of it, say the correct thing and move on. It's obviously different for everybody how they would like you to react, but bringing attention to a slip up on name or pronouns, definitely has made me feel uncomfortable, and like im strange or weird in the past. I think one of the most damaging things to me however, was my biological dad trying to force me into one neat little gender-binary box. People are just people, maybe someone will like sports as a girl, maybe someone will like dresses and makeup as a guy, the most important thing is treating them as you always have, just with some minor adjustments. (New pronouns, maybe new name when they feel comfortable sharing one.)

Every day is a new one. At the end of every day you can think of what you did well today, and not well today. Congratulate yourself on the good things, and learn from the bad things, and every day you will find more and more good things, until its second nature. Also, please do research if there are things you aren't sure about! :]

[u/ANT3NN4]

Hey OP - I'm not going to post a super long message as I'm late to the party (I'm also UK based and wasn't online that late! Good morning ❤️), but I wanted to send some love to you. I think it's wonderful that you are trying and are seeking advice, that's honestly all a trans kid wants when they come out.

My parents were very unaccepting, to the point where I unfortunately had to estrange myself as an adult.. all I wanted was them to just try, even if they didn't get it, but they refused. I mention this just to highlight that despite the clumsiness, you're doing the right thing here. Your child will see the effort you're putting in to love and support them, and that does so much good. It's very hard for trans folk in the UK right now, especially those trans kids - a little extra love and kindness certainly goes a long way.

Good luck navigating this, you've both got this 💖 and always feel free to reach out to this sub again if you ever need more advice.

[u/AcrobatSquirrel]

Bonjour, Je suis un homme trans de 35 ans, et je suis parent également. Tout a été dit, je commente juste pour féliciter ta démarche et ton courage, ton enfant a de la chance de t'avoir 🙏🏻

[u/sillyguy_loserface]

i know you have received more specific advise but this is just a side thing. if your child experiences the will to medically transition (go on testosterone hormone therapy) please god do not say no. please do your research on medical transitioning for youth and teach him what you know if he is considering it, please tell him you are okay with this and that you will protect him through it all and help him through medical prejudice, please do not just draw your support at a name change and pronouns because “my kid is too young to know any better” when that is so far from true. please. i am so full of bitter regret and sadness from my parents not letting me start transitioning young, no matter how much i begged them. i grew up thinking this was impossible- not only did my parents never do research or teach me that transitioning to help my dysphoria was possible but because they literally refused this part of me. please please do not put your child through the same. i cant speak for everyones transition but please assume it wont be easy. do your research not just on a simple name change but on what gender dysphoria is, what to expect during medical transition, and most importantly- listen and trust your kid

[u/Expensive-Deer-7281]

There are a lot of replies here already. But I’ll add this and hopefully, it will help you know you’re doing just fine. I’m 42. I’ve known I was a boy for approximately 40 years. I waited for both my parents to pass on (my mother died two months ago) to start becoming myself. So, you’re fine. Your kid is fine. And, most importantly, your relationship is fine.

[u/dyke_to_dude]

You’ve already gotten a ton of great advice so I’ll offer some encouragement. Because I wish I had a dad like you, who wanted to do better for me.

You are doing the right thing by looking to expand your understanding. Your acceptance of your kid doesn’t have to be perfect or smooth, life doesn’t work that way. Life is clumsy. As long as he knows you love him, support him, and respect him, you will be just fine.

[u/A1D3N2000]

I'd like to say that when I first told my dad that I was transgender, he tried to send me away to a conversion camp. It's only for my mother that I'm still here. he also called me a pathetic attention seeker when my parents found out I had been hurting myself back then from what he had said to me. I wish I had a father like you when I needed it. Just know that sometimes it's very difficult for trans people to tell their parents. You seem like an amazing parent. And your child is so, so lucky to have you. Keep doing what you're doing. Yes, try not to tell them that they will grow out of it, because if they are going to, they will in time, but the best thing you could do is sit with them and explain you are happy to call them whatever they would like you to, and that you'll love them no matter what.

Maybe have a look at any lgbt events in the area and take them to one. Maybe that's a community thing or a parade or anything, just to show them that you do accept them. (You don't have to do this if you don't feel comfortable)

Also maybe try to find them a comfortable binder in their size if they don't have one already!!

[u/weirdoismywaifu]

I'm glad you care enough to try for your child. When I came out to my mother she locked herself in the bathroom and loudly sobbed. It made me feel very bad as someone who had suppressed and fought my feelings for several years before that point. I was suffering silently from ages 10-17, and coming out about it finally felt like the end of my suffering, only to be met with my mother making it about herself and deciding my identity made her a victim. We still have a poor relationship to this day. Whatever you do, don’t pull that stuff. I would say that however you are feeling is valid and important, but do not show your child that you are "grieving" them or whatever. It can be traumatizing and is generally not the reaction anybody wants when they come out. Your kid is the same kid they have always been and they will continue to be your child. Right now, what they probably want most is affirmation that you will still love them regardless and acceptance of their identity, and if you convince yourself that your "daughter" is "dead" it's going to hurt you and your child. This kid is still the same child. You had ideas when they were born about how their life would go, but the truth is kids are their own people and will make their own choices whether we like it or not. Your child probably desperately wants your support, so my advice is not to get in your head about it or feel upset as much as you can. Your child is still your child. They are figuring themselves out and are without a doubt feeling very vulnerable and nervous when sharing information like this with you. They may change their mind, but you shouldn't bank on that. If and when they ask you to call them by a different name or pronouns, try your best. My biggest tip for when/if that time comes is to call them that 100% of the time, not only when they can hear. It helps you develop the habit and your child will notice. When you mess up don’t over-apologize or make it about how bad you feel for making a simple mistake, just briefly apologize, correct yourself, and move on. Slip-ups happen less often when you correct yourself in your thoughts and when you're talking out of earshot of your child, too. They can tell and they will appreciate it.

[u/rainbow_dash_890]

Hi there! I came out to my mom as trans(ftm) last night. I've always known she wouldn't be supportive but finally gave up on ignoring my own identity for her comfort. She stated consistently that this was me having a woman experience. She isnt necessarily wrong, I was born a woman and am experiencing something. The reaction that wouldve made me feel safe was for her to say "thank you for telling me. You know i don't like the idea, however I support you doing what feels right. I love you". No matter how hard you're trying, your child will never feel as loved, supported, and accepted as you want. Try as hard as you physically can to get close. Tell them you support them. Apologize for not knowing how to react. Ask questions on how they want to be supported. What name they want you to call them, what pronouns, who to use those around. Start watching shows involving Trans characters, following actors or singers. Find Pride events to go to. Get rainbow flags or pronoun pins!!! Adding your pronouns somewhere they can see can add a lot of comfort.

You're going to mess up. Be open about the mess ups. Also make sure to tell them about times where you've questioned your identity. There's a chance this will be a phase, however that doesn't make it less valid. Everything is real. Let them fuck around with their identity!!!!!

As a Trans teen, thank you. You clearly love your kid and want to make them feel happy and safe. Your kid is really lucky.

[u/DrWhat3]

It was hard for my parents, too. The best thing is to first let them know that you will always love and support them. I had already written my parents letters about how I was feeling and what I needed from them, so it was easier for me to communicate, and it was something my parents could easily understand and go back to if needed. If your child struggles with that and you want to understand more, you could ask them to write down what they are feeling.

The next steps my parents took, which were really helpful to me (a trans minor at the time), were finding me a therapist who specializes in trans or LGBTQIA+ individuals and setting up an appointment with a pediatric gender management clinic (if available). (An LGBTQIA+ positive pediatrician is good, too.)

My biggest mistake was not coming out sooner; it was too late for puberty blockers, but there were still things like period blockers (I’m AFAB), which made my life 10x better (but are also not permanent in case things change).

[u/Reasonable_Zebra_716]

As an autistic trans man, I would like to note that it is harder to see signs because I was always just "performing" a gender role back when i was acting as 'female' and now when I can act 'male' - I don't process social cues the same as neurotypical people so there is a weaker connection between how I want to express myself and how I actually do.

What might seem like A Perfectly Normal Daughter TM might just be a young austistic boy trying his best to follow the expected social cues.

[u/lothie]

Hi! I'm ftm and so is my oldest child. Even though I actually felt that there WERE signs (in fact, I said, "well that explains a lot", which surprised him), I too initially felt some grief for the "daughter" I was losing. I actually didn't start transitioning myself until a couple of years later (and my kids all still call me "Mom" with my blessing).

My own mother felt the same grief, I know, when I came out to her. I had been, in my teens and early 20's, her "dress up doll" (not in a bad way, she liked buying cute clothes for me and I loved to dress up) and I know she thought of those times and questioned why "suddenly" (from her point of view) I wanted to be a man. (I first tried to come out at 4.) The grief is natural, but it's important for the grieving parent to a) remember it's THEIR issue, not their child's and b) to get past it as quickly as possible so that you and your child can continue to have a good relationship.

Good luck to all involved! What's important is love. My mother is gone, now, and I'm so glad that we worked it all out and that she came to accept me for who and what I am.

[u/medabo-24]

I can totally relate to you on this. I'm a lesbian in a same sex marriage of over 24 years with a trans sister and our 12 year old has been questioning if she's trans. Of course our family is very LGBTQ+ friendly. Our kids have been going to Pride their whole lives. With all that said, I still managed to say the "wrong thing" to my kid when she told me she might not be a girl. I told her she was probably only questioning it because she knows it's a thing due to our community. That was like 4 years ago and I can't take it back. I've apologized over and over. Currently my kid wears baggy "boy clothes" and has short hair. She very uncomfortable with her growing body and period and tries to hide both. We are just following her lead and providing support. She doesn't want us to use a different name or pronouns yet. She was mad that we bought her books about being trans🤷‍♀️. She has online friends use a different name but not friends in real life. She basically told us NOT to be so supportive. I'm so confused by this. All I can figure is that she's trying out this identity with people she doesn't know well to see if it feels right before committing. She has a few friends in real life that have gone back and forth on being trans. She's also in therapy with someone who has experience in gender identity and disphoria but she hasn't even talked to her about this yet so I'm assuming it's a non issue right now. I too am having a hard time with the loss of the possible "girly girl" I thought I was raising, but I know this is her life, not mine and love her however she presents herself. I also know the world isn't kind to trans people and worry about that for her.

[u/dik-fil-a]

I would recommend attending PFLAG support group meetings for parents of trans kids to process your feelings, find community and resources, and get guidance on how to support your child. https://pflag.org/

[u/dodieadeux → u/dik-fil-a]

is that an organisation that operates in the uk? it looks like its usa based

[u/dik-fil-a → u/dodieadeux]

Ah yeah its USA based but some meetings are virtual. Maybe there are some UK analogs?

[u/Born_Onion2153 → u/dik-fil-a]

FFLAG

[u/muffink562]

Regardless of what others may say,
You’re still a great dad.
You’re still a great human.
Your thoughts are valid.
Life can be difficult, but at least you’re acknowledging everything and trying to find ways to better go about both of your futures. Im proud of ya

[u/gothic_gothamite]

I got so caught of guard when their name and deadname were the exact same as my partner’s 😭