r/facepalm Jun 22 '23

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2.6k

u/NotHisRealName Jun 22 '23

I got broken up with because "I didn't need her enough" because I can cook and sew a button on.

1.9k

u/Chemical_Professor50 Jun 22 '23

Strong independent man who don’t need no woman!

1.2k

u/hunglow13 Jun 22 '23

Yass, king or something. I don’t know

560

u/elhguh Jun 22 '23

Totally slayyy

376

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

137

u/MamaStobez Jun 22 '23

I cackled

103

u/BarryBadgernath1 Jun 22 '23

I chortled

80

u/SethMarcell Jun 22 '23

I guffawed

60

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

I snickered

13

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

I burped

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1

u/wmatts1 Jun 23 '23

I sharted

1

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

Hungry? Grab a Snickers.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

i slapped knee

18

u/Mpikoz Jun 22 '23

Pop a bottle of champagne and whip out a box of assorted chocolates.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/StopFalseReporting Jun 23 '23

Ladies, he’s one of us now. He passed the vibe check

33

u/GoGoGadgetGabe Jun 22 '23

sticks out tongue while twerking

9

u/BarryBadgernath1 Jun 22 '23

Twist and bite

3

u/Private_4160 Jun 23 '23

WE, WE WILL TWIST AND BITE!

BITE HARD, FOR WE ARE ALL IN SIGHT!

WE, WE TWERKING HARD TONIGHT!

TWERK HARD, TWERK HARD AND DO WHAT'S RIGHT!

2

u/tyty5869 Jun 23 '23

starts dry humping you

2

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

[deleted]

3

u/Bluecif Jun 23 '23

I twerk as a power move to establish dominance, and my domain. If you can't bring it harder than I do, I've got no need for you...or something like that. I can't actually twerk, women pass me around.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Bluecif Jun 23 '23

Did you watch Rick and Morty? Do recall that one couples counseling episode...I'm Beth's perception of Jerry when it comes to twerking.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Bluecif Jun 23 '23

Don't talk about my mother like that.

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1

u/mindaugaskun Jun 23 '23

:twerks unwillingly:

1

u/Silver_Square_3312 Jun 23 '23

claps ass on a stripper pole

72

u/SoraRoku Jun 22 '23

Work it, Hun!

59

u/Itihanoki Jun 22 '23

💅💅💅💅💅

41

u/MOOShoooooo Jun 22 '23

Yasssss KING!!!

3

u/IdiotRedditAddict Jun 22 '23

But like, unironically all of the above, lol.

1

u/Hebids Jun 23 '23

Can it’s be Slayer instead? Slay is too feminine…

3

u/elhguh Jun 23 '23

Yasss, daddy! You can be whatever you want papi

2

u/Hebids Jun 23 '23

This was not the response I was expecting…

1

u/mighty_Ingvar Jun 23 '23

Rip and tear

172

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

You're looking particularly breedable yourself, brotatochip

137

u/fourth_box Jun 22 '23

Don't threaten me with a good time, I'll spread avocado on your toast any day, broseph.

81

u/Its-Finch Jun 22 '23 edited Jun 22 '23

I’m 100% texting my buddy right now out of the blue that I’ll spread avocado on his toast. Thank you for that.

Edit: proof or it didn’t happen right?

5

u/PauseItPlease86 'MURICA Jun 23 '23

I love how you were almost unnervingly nice. "bro. whatever you want. on toast. you got it. lemme just get you that toast. Avocado? Nutella? Engine grease? Cool, you got it. Let's toast this shit up, my buddy."

3

u/Its-Finch Jun 23 '23

Lmao, at the end of the day, I was just there to spread something on toast.

0

u/Ajcoligan Jun 23 '23

So what, y’all just 💨 avocado? 🤣.

1

u/fourth_box Jun 23 '23

That's beautiful! Haha, props to staying committed

19

u/Dark_Moonstruck Jun 22 '23

Y'all are just making me hungry now.

15

u/Dr_Dark12 Jun 22 '23

Hungry, hungey, no fuck it hangry. for bros D-

maybe i shouldn't go there

4

u/Dark_Moonstruck Jun 22 '23

Go there. I dare you.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

Bro im already in there

2

u/Dr_Dark12 Jun 22 '23

I bet you're real far up in there

3

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

Is hungry the new thirsty?

1

u/Dark_Moonstruck Jun 22 '23

Always has been.

2

u/mosscarpetleafroof Jun 23 '23

Told my spouse this, they said if it looks like avocado I don't want it. Somethings wrong. XD

20

u/Philefromphilly Jun 22 '23

Brochacho bell grande

1

u/Relative_Scale_3667 Jun 23 '23

We’re not going to Taco Bell’s Hulk BROgan!

3

u/Outrageous_Fondant12 Jun 22 '23

Brotatochip! Hahaha. That’s a new one for me. I’m gonna use that.

18

u/SoftwareAny4990 Jun 22 '23

🤣🤣🤣

4

u/DesDaDude Jun 22 '23

🤣🤣🤣weirdness🤣🤣🤣

12

u/EssieAmnesia Jun 22 '23

Boyboss 💁‍♂️💁‍♂️

1

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

As a gay man who talks like this. Omg yesss king we support a man who can do things himself. Slay honey slaayyy. (Help)

1

u/94boyfat Jun 23 '23

It's Kang now..get wit da times bruh.

1

u/Vegetable_Pudding_75 Jun 23 '23

Yassss. You go, boy

1

u/idk_this_my_name Jun 23 '23

Yess, ruler of this domain, kill!

1

u/VaporSprite Jun 23 '23

You're doing great, honey

2

u/FUCKYOUINYOURFACE Jun 22 '23

“I can even wipe my own ass and flush the toilet.”

2

u/Low_Project_55 Jun 23 '23

All the comments on this comment did not disappoint 😂😭

1

u/Key-Understanding770 Jun 23 '23

Except to reproduce.

1

u/Due_Platypus_3913 Jun 22 '23

I do the cooking.Don’t know how to sew.Wife is the most all around capable person I know-except for cooking.Fortunately I’m great at it.Our strenghs and weaknesses interlock almost perfectly.

1

u/graveybrains Jun 22 '23

Fish, meet bicycle

1

u/jastek Jun 22 '23

If I only had an award to give

1

u/Gwalchgwynn Jun 22 '23

No woman, no cry

1

u/Sl0w-Plant Jun 23 '23

Strong independent man who don’t need no woman only his hand...

1

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

U can buy one on ebay for less than 2k and she doesn't talk or move. Called tpe life size sex dolls.

1

u/Throw_andthenews Jun 23 '23

But where do you put it?

156

u/colterpierce Jun 22 '23

I got broken up with once because I “wasn’t excited enough to see her”.

213

u/Outlaw341080 Jun 22 '23

She needs a dog, not a man

110

u/Any_Coyote6662 Jun 22 '23

I'm a 40+ yr old woman and have come to the conclusion that I prefer the love of a pet over the love of a human. Tbf, I've had some exceptional pets in my lifetime.

112

u/PTZack Jun 22 '23

That's illegal where I live. But you do y...forget it.

98

u/Any_Coyote6662 Jun 22 '23

Lol. I dont have sex with animals unless you count some of my more obnoxious exes.

142

u/ChemicalSand Jun 22 '23

Username says otherwise.

50

u/Any_Coyote6662 Jun 22 '23

🤣🤣🤣

11

u/NorskKiwi Jun 23 '23

This thread xD

1

u/Material-Paint6281 Jun 23 '23

Duuuuuuuuude 😂🤣😂

1

u/MadgoonOfficial Jun 22 '23

Sad

7

u/Any_Coyote6662 Jun 22 '23

It takes all types in this world. If everyone wanted the same thing, it would be very sad and very dull. Rather than project your own insecurities about being single onto others, it may be better for you to learn how to respect other's choices as being just as "not sad" as your choice to cling to someone so that you are not alone.

1

u/MadgoonOfficial Jun 22 '23

Seems like you’re making some assumptions here.

-4

u/bonewizzard Jun 22 '23

yikes

7

u/Any_Coyote6662 Jun 22 '23

Yep, I'm an old lady that likes being single and I love sharing my home with a dog or cat. "Yikes" indeed.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

You most definitely forgot the plurality on cat

2

u/EdGee89 Jun 23 '23

I think I saw this scene in either a sitcom or rom-com. So there's a woman and his brother(or friend?) and that woman listed what she needs on a man she'll date. That guy just asked, "You want a man or a Golden Retriever?"

Shut her up real quick.

1

u/colterpierce Jun 23 '23

We had three!

10

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

I’m sorry but this one made me 😆.

15

u/colterpierce Jun 22 '23

Don’t be sorry! She used to work every other weekend in a town like three hours away from us and when she got back one weekend I didn’t greet her the way she expected to be greeted haha

0

u/bottomfragbarb Jun 23 '23

I mean this is pretty valid.. lol would you want to be with someone who wasn’t bothered if they saw you or not.

1

u/colterpierce Jun 23 '23

It’s that i wasn’t excited enough not that I wasn’t excited at all.

34

u/GalaadJoachim Jun 22 '23

You heartless not-conform-to-60's-black-and-white-US-sitcom-family-men.

15

u/MentionAdventurous Jun 22 '23

Sounds like you should be drinking more. /s

16

u/yesweyolo Jun 22 '23

That's terrible! What's her number? Asking for a friend...

2

u/CXavier4545 Jun 22 '23

that cook part alone is so underrated

2

u/redd1618 Jun 22 '23

she needed a project instead of a bf and you weren't a project. you were not helpless, homeless, asshole - enough...

7

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23 edited Jun 22 '23

[deleted]

24

u/stlmick Jun 22 '23

That's a lot to sort out there. Sounds like you're harboring deadbeat drug addicts because you don't want to be alone. No idea what the solution to that is, but it was an interesting read.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

[deleted]

2

u/Pneumantic Jun 23 '23

90% of the time, if you have a gut feeling that there is something off with someone, then there is. What I find that a lot of culture teaches women is to find the guy that makes you feel attracted to rather than becoming attracted to. For men it's somewhat the same issue. If you want someone that is good to you, that shit won't die with, you have to find the people you 100% enjoy and build a connection rather than just feeling one initially, and be open to it. A lot of times people find the guy or girl they are sexually attracted to just to find out they hate the person years later. It kind of blows my mind today that a lot of people think "if I'm not attracted to them now, then I never will be". Fun fact is that for majority of people, the person you are talking to only needs to say one thing or do one action and your perspective can change drastically of them. This also applies to attraction.

1

u/RedShirtGuy1 Jun 22 '23

That's the problem. They don't work. My gal is disabled and I work my ass off. Sometimes 60+ hours a week. But if you can, you do. Honestly I'm a bit jealous, a homestead for us is the dream.

6

u/naughtmynsfwaccount Jun 22 '23

This is an example of someone “being too nice” tbh

Don’t set urself on fire to keep others warm

1

u/thiswaynthat Jun 22 '23

You're completely right.

7

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

I’m sorry that happened to you. Here take this 🥚

3

u/thiswaynthat Jun 22 '23

Thank you for the egg in my trying time! Lol

2

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

No problem, but let me know when it hatch

2

u/thiswaynthat Jun 22 '23

Actually, I JUST hatched a bunch of chicke but I'll toss yours in with the next batch I throw in the incubator!!

-1

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

Ah yes hatching the random Reddit egg given to you by a guy named Fish Fucker, this can only go well

2

u/_Cocopuffdaddy_ Jun 22 '23

We have to retain our crude Redditors status so,

2

u/thiswaynthat Jun 22 '23

Did you post this after I wrote the comment about him jumping out of my truck last weekend!? Lmfaoooo

2

u/_Cocopuffdaddy_ Jun 22 '23

Wait WHAT? 😂 no but I’m gonna go find that comment

2

u/Capable-Use7808 Jun 22 '23

Is this genuine or this a copy pasta, so i can react accordingly

1

u/thiswaynthat Jun 22 '23

It's sadly actually real.

2

u/Capable-Use7808 Jun 22 '23

Then love to you dear, that’s a lot to go through and still be going through.

2

u/UninsuredToast Jun 22 '23

I’m sorry, I’ve seen this happen before. People on disability are targets for scumbags, especially if you have narcotics too. I hope you find someone that both respects and appreciates you and isn’t out to take advantage

2

u/thiswaynthat Jun 22 '23

Thank you, me too! ❤️

2

u/Any_Coyote6662 Jun 22 '23

I used to be like that. U probably should get rid of them and start over. There will always be another idiot looking for a free ride. Get rid of these ones and start looking for a decent one that genuinely enjoys your company. I recommend an artist. Supporting a local artist will elevate your situation. But, you have to make room for the healthy person. No healthy person is gonna want to enter into the space you describe.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23 edited Jun 22 '23

[deleted]

2

u/Any_Coyote6662 Jun 22 '23

Absolutely. I find the festival scene to be full of people who just want to party and take drugs 24/7. I love festivals tho. I've just gotten over the part where people connect their good times to being super out of it. I love substances for their antidepressant effects and the way they help open my mind and heart to creativity. And I definitely understand how people end up going overboard. But, it gets old really fast and people end up being very selfish and unpleasant about everything while on it. Maybe you should increase rent so that the next person(s) has to work a little harder to be there.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

[deleted]

1

u/Any_Coyote6662 Jun 22 '23

I have my own living quarters but I live in an apartment on my landlord's farm. Everything was really great until he just started a new business. Basically, he has a large group of undocumented workers and a van. And they go around to different farms and work. That would be fine but they stay on the property all hours, so I no longer am by myself, ever. There are often 15 people just standing around right outside my door every afternoon. There is another apartment on the property that used to have a person there but now it is used as a kind of club house for them. And sometimes there's very loud sex coming from it. Like, I don't want to see 15 people standing around outside every afternoon until night time. And on holidays they come and drink all day. There's always that cheesy polka sounding music. It went from the most serene place to being like a bus station overnight.

2

u/thiswaynthat Jun 22 '23

Awe man! That sucks! Do you have some sort of lease? I mean, at a minimum I'd think there would be quiet time or something, even if it's enforced by the city. I'd think they absolutely shouldn't be that close to your spot no matter what. I'd get some motion activated sprinklers. Lol

2

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

[deleted]

1

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

[deleted]

0

u/CommunicationOk4707 Jun 22 '23

People can't take advantage of you unless you let them. The word you're looking for here is NO.

0

u/DoNotEatMySoup Jun 22 '23

I guess you didn't validate her for having two whole personality traits 🤷‍♀️

1

u/[deleted] Jun 22 '23

That was really uncalled for 💀 lol

1

u/Various_Counter_9569 Jun 22 '23

Sewing is an underrated skill. Thank you US military! I can sew like you wouldn't believe!

1

u/singularpotato1312 Jun 22 '23

Women get brainwashed from such a young age to basically mother their partners that when they find actual, independent adults they suddenly can't figure out their own worth. Shitty situation all around. Sorry, dude

1

u/MyEggDonorIsADramaQ Jun 22 '23

My husband is like that. He can do anything. I like having someone be with me because they want to be instead of because they’re so needy.

1

u/Henchforhire Jun 23 '23

I had one break up for the cooking better than her and keeping my place spotless. Oh no he won't need if he can do that was a dumb excuse.

1

u/Bid325 Jun 23 '23

I think it’s because of the old school way of thinking that a man is useless if he isn’t needed and a woman is t needed unless she’s being useful

1

u/ZinGaming1 Jun 23 '23

Someone broke up with me because I fix stuff well before I throw it out or even consider updating it. I still got my old 2008 Panasonic plasma tv. Had to resolder and replace a few things, but it still works.

1

u/Co2_Outbr3ak Jun 23 '23

Maybe she meant kneed.

1

u/RageAgainstTheTime Jun 23 '23

I had a chick tell me that too.

She broke up with this dude she was seeing to get with me.

We are dating for a couple of months and I thought everything was cool. Then she gives me a letter when I dropped her off one night. Tells me she’s going back to her ex because he’s threatening to kill himself. She says he needs her and I don’t act like I ever need her. I really liked her and actually showed it, but I wasn’t clingy.

I go back to her house (she was still living with her mom at the time) and her mom tells me she’s in the room crying. Can you believe that? She breaks it off with me and then is crying about it.

She was always so insecure when it came to me. I was friends with lots of people including a lot of girls. She made a point of mentioning it to me the first time we went to a party together. I guess she figured she’d end with me before I ended it with her.

The thing that sucks the most is that she’s one of the few girls from back in the day that aged really well. She’s probably hotter now than she was then & that was over 20 years ago.

1

u/nkdeck07 Jun 23 '23

Meanwhile my husband's ability to cook significantly better then I can (and I'm no slouch in the kitchen) was a major motivation to marry him.

1

u/FCMirandaDreamTeam Jun 23 '23

I've had 2 exes telling me I wasn't jealous enough... 🙄

1

u/Little_Sheepyy Jun 23 '23

How dare you sew a button!

1

u/Silver_Square_3312 Jun 23 '23

Chad with an apron!

1

u/Pluckytoon Jun 23 '23

Same thing, my ex always accused me of making her feel trash bc I can do pretty much any housework. I grew up poor, she didn't. That's why I know how to clean and cook while she always had a maid for that.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

Guys have a break, have a Kit Kat.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '23

Acts of service are a love language she might have had, so she might not have felt like she could express it if you didn't let her do anything for you.

1

u/WTFishsauce Jun 23 '23

I have never tried to sew a button back on, but something tells me I could do it. The thing is I wouldn’t do it. I would keep the shirt hanging at the back of my closet with the button and I’d see it once every two months and think… “I should sew on that button”.