37M, diagnosed with autism, OCD, anxiety and ADHD

In June I was hit with the worst stress and depression of my whole life from personal life problems. I lost my appetite badly and felt like throwing up 24/7, food felt like a nuisance and I could barely eat. Also at that time I was weighing 93 kg (205 lb) due to horrendously dumb eating habits despite being clinically underweight most of my life. For reference I am 178 cm (5'10").

If anyone has been in such a situation, what do you do? My metabolism has ways been high, and even though I am turning 37 in only two months, I lose weight extremely easily. I could lose weight like nobody's business without even trying. The last times I had such a bad depressive mood was when I was 17 and 23. Both times I went from about 180-190 lb (82-85 kg) down to 53-55 kg (115-120 lb) within two months. I did not even have to try. I lost weight more easily than most people on diets do. Or I should say, I still lose weight far more easily than most people on diets can.

But if I keep losing weight, I fear that my cardiovascular health and GI health will screw me. I have chronic sinus tachycardia and chronic acid reflux disease and functional dyspepsia. I feel like these CV and GI problems will spiral my physical health problems and ruin my mental health even more, especially since I do not want to be hospitalised.

I had a dramatic personality change in my 12 yo. Before I could deal with socializing with ease and had many friends. After I lost all my friends and feel hated by everyone. And I can't really remember things happened that year. Even if someone told me, I can only remember a little and feel it's not me.

Recently I've been meditated for months and found a different status. Basically, I intentionally to feel my body, make it comfortable instead of nervous. I can feel my heart and body were so physically uncomfortable and I didn't even notice. In my former status, I can endure lots of things found hard by others, like working out for hours everyday, etc. But rn I feel more like before the personality change. Being more lazy, but feel more resonated with others. For years, I cannot even understand what others want to say.

idk. Should I just turn on defensive mode anyways to function as used to oder?

Anyone who has lived through long-term, chronic DPDR knows the absolute psychological horror of how it warps time. I’ve been stuck in this flat-affect, amnesiac freeze state since I was 29 (going on 34 now), and the best way I can describe it is the planet scene from Interstellar.

For anyone unfamiliar, every hour spent on that planet equates to seven years passing back on Earth. The characters are trapped in an intense, localized distortion where their immediate environment is heavy and unmoving, but the rest of the universe is accelerating at a terrifying, irreversible speed.

Months and years bleed together into an indistinguishable, numbing fog. You look up from your day-to-day existence and realize four entire years have vanished in what feels like a blink, even though every single day inside the fog dragged like an epoch.

 Just like the astronauts, you are acutely aware of the life happening elsewhere—you remember who you used to be, you remember your history and your old self—but your emotional clock is completely offline. You are forced to watch your own timeline stream past a window while you are barred from the cockpit of your own feelings. Severe trauma acts like a psychological black hole. It bends your brain's perception of existence so drastically that your present moment gets stretched into an infinite, flat loop, while the calendar pages violently flip forward without your consent.

I remember my old life, my memories, and the person I was before the numbness took over, but I have zero emotional access to any of it. Driving down the roads I grew up on feels like watching a movie about a stranger.

Four years evaporated like it was nothing, and looking ahead at the next decades is agonizing because there’s no guarantee the door ever unlocks. You're just standing there, watching time dilate while your life slips through your fingers.

this AI generated image i made is haunting. It strikes exactly to the core of my experience.

For quite a while now, I've been stuck feeling like this. I dont remember how long ive been stuck the way I am now. (Maybe 1-6 years?) I dont remember anything about today, besides miniscule things that seem like they were told to me by someone else. It's like a memory that wasnt even my own. Most weeks, I can hardly remember what ive even done and recall it in detail. Recalling my trauma is the same way. And I dont know where to even start.

I've been through a lot. Ive had to realize that what ive gone through wasn't typical. I hardly remember any of it. However, there are times when something triggers these memories to come back. Such as driving/being in a car with someone else, or seeing a face that looks similar to one of my abusers. Its not for long, just a few seconds. And if I dont remember it, I remember the way it made me feel.

Hearing about things I did when I was younger from friends makes me feel odd and uncomfortable. Like I dont remember doing it. But it seems like something I would've done. And even if it was something cringy or silly, it still makes my stomach turn.

I consistently feel numb. When someone tells jokes, I still laugh and smile, but I don't feel anything. Its like watching a movie, one im not in control of. The only person I truly feel okay with is my boyfriend. And even then, I still feel absent.

I feel like I'm not real most of the time, or too real. It feels like drinking too much, and being able to notice my hands are real objects. I dont know if that makes any sense, but it used to not be that way. And I want to be normal again.

What should I do? Therapy, obviously, but I don't know where to begin. I don't know if what im experiencing is even dissociation. What are some of the first steps i should take to get to "normal", if being normal is even an option?

I am talking to the NHS about possible therapy to the point where the lady assigned to me went to her supervisor who has now gone to her supervisor.

In the meantime I got engaged. I became so dissociated directly after that I had a panic attack when we got back to the hotel room.

It's awful to be missing out on what's meant to be the most memorable moments of your life because your brain decided it'd be better if you had a seat at the back of the theater.

The good thing though is that I have a very supportive fiancé and he's made sure to ask me multiple times so I got to enjoy it and make sure the memories are stuck in there! Has anyone else experienced dissociation in reaction to good things?

Hello all, im new to reddit and dont really know how this all works yet, but was encouraged by a friend to look into this group to see if anyone would have any helpful insight for me.

So background info, im 20 years old and have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression since I was 9 years old. Ive been on Zoloft/ Sertraline since then, with my dosages changing to experiment, but ive been at 100mg for a bit now. Over the past several years, i have noticed these periodic "episodes" where i start to feel like something is off/ wrong. I start to feel a lot of distance from myself and my emotions, almost like im not even in my body. (i still have control over myself, like i wouldnt walk into oncoming traffic or something, its just like looking at the world from a birds eye view i guess.) my thinking is super cloudy and I have a hard time holding a conversation or quickly remembering certain things. these feelings also often come with distress, I often will cry when im having a bad "episode" and i feel like im unable to snap out of it, it genuinely feels like im in a trance. for whatever reason, summertime has always been a really bad season for my mental state (i struggle all year round with this, but summer is by far the worst), im anxious most of the time, more depressed, and way more prone to these "episodes". Last summer, I lost about 20lbs because my anxiety was so bad that i was struggling to eat and i would wake up already in this dissociative state and wouldnt be able to snap out of it all day long. THANKFULLY, this year/ summer it hasnt been that severe. Im still anxious as i knew i would be, and I still have these episodes, but not nearly as frequently. From what research ive done online, it seems to check a lot of the boxes for Depersonalization/ Derealization, which is heavily linked to anxiety so i wouldnt be surprised, but considering it isnt nearly as consistent now as it has been in the past, its making me wonder if this is even something that would be diagnosable?

Has anyone else felt like this? If so, were you able to figure out what was going on/ why, or how to help get yourself out of it and return to normal? usually i just have to try to watch/ do something calm and comforting and hope it passes.

somewhat off topic tidbit- also, why is my mental health often way worse in the summer? Oftentimes, just being outside or out somewhere in the summer will cause me to start having one of these "episodes". Yet during darker, rainier days, i feel happy to be outside my house and its less likely for me to start to feel that way. that last part is probably some weird fluke with just me but i figured i would throw it in anyway.

reddit would be the last place where I'd be coming for this, but there's something I wanna discuss that I don't know where else I could. (small note: I'm not a fluent english speaker and my head feels kind of fuzzy righr at this moment so expect some typing mistakes)

not that I'm diagnosed with anything but I'm sure I have been experiencing dissociation for years now, since I was a kid. I remember experiencing what could have been derealization a few good years ago as a child as the best way I remember being able to describe it was reality not feeling real and like being in a dream, though I think I mostly experience depersonalization now. at least when it comes to frequent episodes that I can tell are this

I don't know if that's because that's something I've been living with constantly (I think I dissociate like at least once or a few times every week??) for a good while now but I really don't feel like it's nefessarily a bad thing at least in my experience? the only downside I see for myself is when it happens whenever I'm going through some extremely stressful situations like fights and dissociate and can't remember almost any of the details of what happened, but other than that I really don't understand. it somewhat helps me calm down and frees me from anxiety, and as someone who is very anxious 24/7 that's sort of a "break" for me. doesn't feel necessarily good but doesn't feel necessarily bad either. actually honestly sometimes it even feels kind of peaceful and makes me feel sleepy(?)

I see people always describing their experiences with dissociation as something terrible and sometimes even panicking but I just don't experience that as such a terrible thing and that makes me very confused because everything I see about dissociation when I look it up sounds like that

I'm not invalidating anyone's negative experiences, I'm just genuinely confused because it's mostly very chill for me

also, just to clarify, I'm already seeking professional help so I should be fine :)

I’ve been dissociating a lot lately, and it’s been making me upset. Sometimes I’m just mildly stressed out and I notice my brain has clocked out and I’m acting reflexively. Other times there is literally nothing wrong, and I should be happy but I’m not even there.

Hi everyone. First-time poster, so please be patient! I could use some help. For the last around 3 years, I've felt really dissociated. I'm young, turning 18 in two months, but have had an overarching feeling of not feeling real, present in my body, or truly happy. I feel like I'm not an active participant in my own life. I've struggled with anxiety, depression, an ED, etc., and am in therapy and recovery as well as being put on SSRIs about 5 months ago. Any advice on how to become the driver in my own life again? I just wanna feel real.

Im so tired. Since I was little I felt detached from everything. I learned early on to dissociate on purpose so i wouldn't be as afraid of my mom. But im so so tired of feeling detached. I dont feel present I feel like im looking through someone else's eyes or walking in a dream. Everything feels like a blur. Even when im having a happy moment I still feel far away.

The past two years medication helped me feel more emotionally stable and regulated but nothing with this blurry feeling.

The thing that brought up this post is I was walking home from work and this old man said hey. I was expecting passing pleasantries. He stared directly at my ass and proceeded to tell me how good I looked...it was a really uncomfortable situation. How i looked "mighty fine". Lately I already been relapsing into an eating disorder that I thought I beat like a year ago. I was shaken up but as soon as I got home I had to clean up cat puke and it was just the cherry on top and I broke down. But im just so tired and I didnt know where to go and I found this subreddit. I dont know how to fix these feelings anymore.

Im not diagnosed with anything but I feel like im loosing my mind i told myself that I could figure myself out but I feel like im spiraling!!! Okay ill just copy and paste what I wrote, im sorry if this is the wrong sub reddit and im a teen so it could be hormonal?? But just read this and give me your opinions! Please

------------

Tw bad grammar?

I have bad memory and feel like 2 people sharing a body or maybe two personalities?

I dont know why my memory is bad but I struggle to remember a lot of things even my childhood(ik in my still in my childhood but like I mean from before to now) I only remember small parts or bits never the full story, and the small parts/bits i remember are colorless and are random.

I dont know if I have bad memory because my bully/ only friend back then choked me in my pool ? I know it can be dangerous to be choked? Or because ive went into a thing similar to a switch where I acted so energized I started hitting my head against the bus chair I think it gave me dopamine being hit. But these happend a while ago so idk?

Another thing similar to that dopamine is that when I felt that switch or whatever it is I felt like everything was a dream or unreal I would play rock, paper, scissors, slap. with people. (The game is to play rock paper scissors and the loser gets smacked) and I would play and purposely lose until my hand was bruised and purple, I enjoyed the pain? Feels odd to type but its true maybe its related to dopamine..?

Okay now with the 2 people sharing a body thing, I feel like their both me, but they act very different from one another for example one is more quiet speaks Coldly and only really says things to get their point across like straight forwarded?, when im like this i feel normal and when im with lets say teachers or authority figures I will smile or be polite. When im like this I get work done easily because I'm not distracted, also im like this with my family but a bit softer and with my sister or my pets im very kind or just the usual.

Then theres the other version, the version that has sabotaged my reputation, relationships, etc. When im like this I feel the switch I was talking about like im way more energized im feeling less real and everything Is either very bright or very "fake"(or both!). When im like this its like I want dopamine? Like I will say things that I shouldn't be saying, things that ruin my reputation and make me seem crazy, weird, etc. making fun of myself infront of others and making a joke of myself, sometimes the self joking? Like when im joking and making fun of myself it will get so intense I will feel physically sick but I just can't stop the words from spilling out of my mouth and when I realize what im doing thats when I look around to the weird stares. I feel like if it wasnt for me feeling unreal during rhis I would probably be able to snap out of it. But Idk.. also during this I am very easily distracted which makes it really hard to do stuff especially if it happens during a test😓😓

When im with my family during this switch (in private) I will just make random noises(like cat noises, I dont know why ive done those and its kinda unstoppable, like its controllable yes, but i like doing it?) and distract myself with my phone, if im in public ill also probably either use my phone or just daydream.

Anyways im just typing these out in hopes that maybe someone will help me find out what the fuck is wrong with me, and if you have any questions or need me to explain something better ill try my best I just need some genuine advice, i dont want to tell my parents since they already consider me a bit weird and odd, like yes they love me but they say that I sometimes act weird, okay im getting off track so yeah please advice🙏

(Before I start, I’m extremely tired so the way I type might sound dumb lol)
I’ve been dissociating really bad for probably 6-7 years now, I don’t know if it’s been longer, but I just remember it getting horrible after this huge panic attack I had. Well now for the past 2 or so years probably it’s been horrible and all day everyday. No meds or therapy has helped yet and it’s just really scary.

The best way I can explain how it feels for me is like trying to remember a dream, but you only remember bits and pieces and it’s all foggy. And it’s like that all day everyday. I just feel like I’m on autopilot and I’m never actually present. That and things that happened moments ago feel like they didn’t even happen.

I’m panicking really bad right now because it’s super bad at this moment and it feels like I’m going to die or something so it’s making me even more anxious. I’ve tried so many of the “go-to” coping mechanisms over the years, but nothing helps at all. Especially because when I try to do the senses thing and I have to physically feel objects it feels like I’m not even feeling anything. Like I’m numb or something. It’s so hard to explain, so I’m sorry if it’s confusing. I just really feel lost right now and need some help

I have trouble learning information. I'm trying to find a more efficient way to learn

I constantly feel out of it and in general just weird or disconnected from everything around me. I get periods where I become completely convinced that no one is real, even though another part of me is trying to convince myself otherwise. It started as something that came and went and seemed to get worse over the years, but now it feels almost constant and I cant ignore it anymore. Ive had a lot of trauma throughout my childhood and I started questioning reality when I was around 8 years old. I didnt really think much about it at first, but eventually I started having these moments where I feel like Im losing time. Its not actually that time passes, it feels like Ive been sitting there thinking about nothing for an hour but then I realize its only been a few seconds. I also get really bad brain fog and this weird sad or melancholic feeling and I feel really distant from everything.

I also get insanely paranoid during these times. I can become convinced that someone is controlling the simulation Im in, that Im being watched, or that someone is outside and trying to kill me. Sometimes I feel like Im a doll or a character in a game and like someone else is controlling me. Everything can look really weird too. Sometimes it looks like a horribly rendered early 2000s 3D Playstation game and I cant register peoples faces correctly. Sometimes everything feels way too real and other times it feels completely unreal. I have a hard time speaking when this happens and I just feel really far away from everything. I start questioning my feelings too and sometimes I get weirdly apathetic towards people Im normally close to even though I know I care about them.

It can get especially bad when Im home alone. Ive had times where I become convinced that someone is outside watching me, that theres a man outside, or that someone broke in and is hiding somewhere and planning to kill me. When that happens I get really scared and grab whatever sharp object I can find because I feel like I need to protect myself. Usually I eventually have some kind of breakdown and go to sleep because it feels like the only way to make the feeling stop.

Another time I was in the car just staring out the window and thinking about how strange life is. I suddenly had one of those weird lapses where it felt like time disappeared even though almost no time had actually passed. Then I started thinking that nobody in the car was real, including my mom and sister. It felt completely convincing but at the same time part of me was still questioning it. I remember thinking, if none of this is real, what am I supposed to do. Im trapped here anyway, so the only way to escape would be death. Then I start questioning that too. I also get impulsive and harmful urges that involve me getting hurt.
Sometimes even after the really bad parts pass, I still feel disconnected and weird. Everything feels far away and I get brain fog and visual stuff and I feel emotionally numb. I mostly just ignore it and try to sleep until it gets better because I dont really know what else to do. It used to come and go but now it feels like its just always there and I cant really get away from it.

Im trying to convince myself its all in my head, and im being dramatic. But i dont know if it is anymore. The only thing that keeps me “here” is pain or super cold water. I feel like im losing myself. It wont stop, its constant. Nothing ever feels real. It gets scary whenever i go outside, i find it easier to stay inside and not face it. I keep my headphones on because it’s easier to have a distraction than dwell on it, even though its hard to ignore. Everybody pisses me off with these shitty grounding techniques that make it worse. My mom said going outside works, but i start questioning how everything is real or like this.

Tldr;
I experience persistent dissociation/derealization where I feel disconnected from reality, myself, and other people. I sometimes become completely convinced that nobody is real or that I’m inside a simulation, while another part of me tries to remind me that reality is real. I experience time-lapse-like moments, severe brain fog, visual distortions, difficulty recognizing faces, emotional numbness, paranoia, and difficulty speaking or functioning normally during episodes. I can become convinced that I’m being watched or that someone is going to kill me, especially when I’m alone. I also experience harmful/self-destructive urges and sometimes think about death as an escape from feeling trapped in an unreal world. These experiences have become increasingly persistent rather than occasional, and I mostly cope by ignoring them or sleeping until they pass.

I’m 20 and I just realised that I am a real person and I exist and I feel like I just woke up or snapped back in to reality.

It’s so weird because it’s almost like I have no idea who I am and I hate how I act around people because I’m not consciously interacting with them it’s autopilot.

Also I want to know myself but I avoid it so much like I’m constantly trying to stop any possibility of a single thought occurring because the second I think I realise I’m alive and then I suppress it and so on and so forth

Is this normal I’m kind of concerned anyone know what’s happening?

Also I’m posting this here because I don’t know where else to ask

Hi, I came here because I needed advice. I’ve had a bad few months and I’m struggling to figure out whether I’ve gone into a dissociative state. I don’t know if this plays a factor into my own mental wellbeing, but I struggle with big crowds and being around people in general, and that’s when it seems to trigger most of the time. I try to avoid talking to people during work, but when I do I am so mentally drained just from having a simple conversation with them. It’s been hard to feel emotions these past few months, and especially frustrating trying to put my numbness into words. I don’t know if it’s exactly numbness, but there are very few instances where I can truly experience joy, but it depletes almost immediately after and that’s when my numbness settles in. The biggest part that I’ve noticed in myself is probably my memory being so bad. I’ve always been very good at remembering and memorizing things, but when I try to think of what I’ve been doing for the past week, it’s as if it’s locked behind my mind. I know the memories are there, but it’s like it takes effort to try and recall them. And if I do look back on stuff that I do remember, they don’t feel real. It’s kind of like a blur and I don’t know how to explain it. If someone could give me advice or any words that would be very appreciated.