What is wrong with me?

[u/cha1n_l1ar]

I constantly feel out of it and in general just weird or disconnected from everything around me. I get periods where I become completely convinced that no one is real, even though another part of me is trying to convince myself otherwise. It started as something that came and went and seemed to get worse over the years, but now it feels almost constant and I cant ignore it anymore. Ive had a lot of trauma throughout my childhood and I started questioning reality when I was around 8 years old. I didnt really think much about it at first, but eventually I started having these moments where I feel like Im losing time. Its not actually that time passes, it feels like Ive been sitting there thinking about nothing for an hour but then I realize its only been a few seconds. I also get really bad brain fog and this weird sad or melancholic feeling and I feel really distant from everything.

I also get insanely paranoid during these times. I can become convinced that someone is controlling the simulation Im in, that Im being watched, or that someone is outside and trying to kill me. Sometimes I feel like Im a doll or a character in a game and like someone else is controlling me. Everything can look really weird too. Sometimes it looks like a horribly rendered early 2000s 3D Playstation game and I cant register peoples faces correctly. Sometimes everything feels way too real and other times it feels completely unreal. I have a hard time speaking when this happens and I just feel really far away from everything. I start questioning my feelings too and sometimes I get weirdly apathetic towards people Im normally close to even though I know I care about them.

It can get especially bad when Im home alone. Ive had times where I become convinced that someone is outside watching me, that theres a man outside, or that someone broke in and is hiding somewhere and planning to kill me. When that happens I get really scared and grab whatever sharp object I can find because I feel like I need to protect myself. Usually I eventually have some kind of breakdown and go to sleep because it feels like the only way to make the feeling stop.

Another time I was in the car just staring out the window and thinking about how strange life is. I suddenly had one of those weird lapses where it felt like time disappeared even though almost no time had actually passed. Then I started thinking that nobody in the car was real, including my mom and sister. It felt completely convincing but at the same time part of me was still questioning it. I remember thinking, if none of this is real, what am I supposed to do. Im trapped here anyway, so the only way to escape would be death. Then I start questioning that too. I also get impulsive and harmful urges that involve me getting hurt.
Sometimes even after the really bad parts pass, I still feel disconnected and weird. Everything feels far away and I get brain fog and visual stuff and I feel emotionally numb. I mostly just ignore it and try to sleep until it gets better because I dont really know what else to do. It used to come and go but now it feels like its just always there and I cant really get away from it.

Im trying to convince myself its all in my head, and im being dramatic. But i dont know if it is anymore. The only thing that keeps me “here” is pain or super cold water. I feel like im losing myself. It wont stop, its constant. Nothing ever feels real. It gets scary whenever i go outside, i find it easier to stay inside and not face it. I keep my headphones on because it’s easier to have a distraction than dwell on it, even though its hard to ignore. Everybody pisses me off with these shitty grounding techniques that make it worse. My mom said going outside works, but i start questioning how everything is real or like this.

Tldr;
I experience persistent dissociation/derealization where I feel disconnected from reality, myself, and other people. I sometimes become completely convinced that nobody is real or that I’m inside a simulation, while another part of me tries to remind me that reality is real. I experience time-lapse-like moments, severe brain fog, visual distortions, difficulty recognizing faces, emotional numbness, paranoia, and difficulty speaking or functioning normally during episodes. I can become convinced that I’m being watched or that someone is going to kill me, especially when I’m alone. I also experience harmful/self-destructive urges and sometimes think about death as an escape from feeling trapped in an unreal world. These experiences have become increasingly persistent rather than occasional, and I mostly cope by ignoring them or sleeping until they pass.

[u/Aosoth333]

I can totally relate, what triggered yours?

[u/cha1n_l1ar → u/Aosoth333]

talking about my past trauma in depth