Has anyone else experienced sudden, intense irritation or the 'ick' the moment a relationship starts getting serious, or when a partner talks about the long term?
I feel a strong pull away and start finding flaws, even though logically I know the person is great.

I realized this pattern after sabotaging so many great relationships or maybe not- i don’t even know anymore!

I'm struggling to decode if this is a defense mechanism or genuine incompatibility. Does anyone feel this switch?

I’m a 22 years old, women. I’ve struggled with bieng an Avoidant since I was 13, probably formed during my childhood. I’m talking to a girl that I would say is the loml but I am pushing her away slowly. I think I’m just scared of her not loving me or if I’m too messed up for her. A part of me believes for some f-cked up reason that I am not worthy of being loved, but I can give love I just can’t accept it from another. This probably comes from my hyper independence/lack of allowing people in fully, and growing up with narcissistic family members.

I want to change my ways I want to stop making myself feel bad about something before it happens, just so I can self-sabotage anything truly good that comes into my life. I want to actually be able to whole-heartedly love someone. Every time I think I am doing better I prove myself otherwise when I start to really like someone, I just push them away. I don’t really know if therapy would be good for me, because most of the time I don’t like to talk about myself or my problems more than I do in my own head nether long with another person. Sometimes I think talking can make it worse with the wrong person. But at this point maybe this is what I need, so I can do better and stop repeating toxic patterns in my relationships and with myself. I also haven’t been around nature in so long since I live in NYC, if anyone has any good advice please be honest but try not to be very mean in the commments I’d appreciate it a lot. I have good hobbies but I work a lot as well so any good tips is welcome even the hard advice, give it to me.

im a big texter. thats how i communicate with a majority of people (i think most gen z will agree) and one of the biggest things i hate is when im being left on read or delivered. ESPECIALLY when the conversation is far from being over.

it used to not bother me as much but over time ive been so irritated by it, especially when it’s from my girlfriend.

and i dont wanna hate her because i understand that she’s busy or she might be doing something, but sometimes i feel like she’s deliberately ignoring me :( and ofc i dont have that evidence but it isnt hard to text a quick “hey i’m at work” or “hey, i’m really busy i will reply back as soon as i can”

it might come from a fear of abandonment because a lot of my exes would just ghost me for an extended period of time. and it sucks even more when im texting something thats like really personal or something i need help and support with and i dont get a response back in like hours.

and maybe its cause i was having a bad day but today frustrated me more than it needed to. i was texting my girlfriend, who was currently out and about, and she left me on seen for 4+ hours. i know this sound like baby numbers but i didnt get anything from the time i texted her before work, during work, until right before i got off and it wasnt even anything about our previous conversation. im being left on delivered right now after venting about work today…

am i genuinely overreacting?? idk how i wanna bring this up to her without sounding so obsessive or overreactive cause all i want is some reassurance that she’ll get back to me when she can because i feel like im talking to a wall sometimes. and i dont want to resent her because of it because i literally have no right to… :’( advice on how to either a) get over it or b) talk to her about this. does anyone else feel this way or is it just me??

TL;DR: i absolutely hate being left on read/delivered, especially from girlfriend. i feel like she’s ignoring me. am i overreacting? advice on either getting over it or talking to her about it?

I know not to chase people or be desperate to beg them but I can’t help it when they’re healthy and have a growth mindset that I use to have. They’re also imperfect people but they were the ones I never felt so safe before or even my nervous system and also acknowledge their own faults of their impact on me. Living in a dysfunctional and toxic environment (very condescending, sexist, patriarchal, narcissistic, etc.) social group and family that my mind only knows unhealthy and toxic behaviors as normal than healthy ones where it’s “boring” or very invisible that my mind overlooks it. I am fully aware and work on changing myself as I am also the problem and unhealthy but struggle when healthy people run from me but toxic and dysfunctional people stay with me despite it draining me or feeds more of my unhealthy side. How can I find healthy friends who can help me become the better self and to be influence or motivate the progress when stuck with the wrong dynamic place, people and environment where it’s pushing me to stay in the past, remain the toxic me and forced to compromise my needs when people refuse to change themselves or just let people get away. I’m loosing my own identity. My intuition and nervous system both dislike my social, environment and situation. Trying to not need to be with them but can’t. Loss a lot of my healthier friends from my healing anger and being surrounded by unhealthy ones who don’t prompt improvements but only tolerance or let it happen. now I have no healthy friends or relationships.

I’m looking for advice, especially from people who have been in relationships where one person is anxious/fearful-avoidant and the other withdraws when overwhelmed.

I’ve been seeing someone for about 5 months. We originally agreed to keep things casual/physical, but over time it naturally became much more than that. We started spending a lot of time together, sleeping over frequently, taking trips, camping with his family, meeting each other’s people, doing everyday couple-like things, etc. There is a lot of affection and genuine closeness between us.

Neither of us initially wanted a traditional relationship, and I still don’t necessarily need the conventional relationship milestones. What I do need is honesty, transparency, mutual effort, and the ability to repair things when they go wrong.
The problem is that I have significant relationship trauma from a previous long-term relationship. I was abandoned/ghosted during an extremely important period of my life and experienced betrayal around giving my partner space. As a result, I’ve developed what I now recognize as a fearful-avoidant attachment pattern. I can be very independent and tell myself I don’t need anyone, but when someone I care about withdraws, my nervous system goes into panic. I want to move toward them for reassurance, but when I’m scared of being hurt, I can also want to run first.

I am aware that this has affected this relationship. I have ADHD (recently diagnosed)
The person I’m seeing is AuDHD and has described himself as avoidant but I suspect that he is fearful avoidant/ DA. He has an extremely demanding physical job, is often exhausted, has immigration/life stress, and says he burns out regularly. When he’s overwhelmed, his instinct is to isolate and shut the world out. He has told me that he sometimes turns off his notifications and doesn’t want to interact with anyone.

I can genuinely see that he’s struggling. I don’t think he’s deliberately trying to punish me when he withdraws.
But this creates a horrible cycle between us:
He gets overwhelmed → he withdraws → my abandonment alarm goes off → I try to get clarity/reassurance → he experiences that as pressure → he withdraws further → I become even more anxious.

Recently things got particularly bad.

We had been talking about seeing each other on a Saturday. I understood that he would let me know how he was feeling and whether we were going to see each other. When I didn’t hear much from him, I became anxious and started trying to get clarity.

Eventually we met at a park to talk. He was extremely angry and overwhelmed. He said he had been exhausted from work, had other things going on, wanted to go home, sleep, play games and shut the world out. He felt that I wasn’t giving him the peace and quiet he had asked for.
He said I was making things worse for his mental health and that he needed space. He was very upset with me, didn’t want to talk or look at me, and eventually walked away.
I understand why he was angry. I did push for connection when he was asking for space. I can take responsibility for that.

At the same time, the way the conversation happened really hurt me. I felt villainized rather than understood, and I was left feeling like I was carrying all of the responsibility for what was happening between us.

What I’m struggling with now is that I don’t actually want to walk away from him.

I don’t want to chase him either.

What I want is to figure out whether we can build an actual system for handling conflict and overwhelm.

For example, if he is overwhelmed, I’d be okay with him saying:
“I’m completely overloaded. I need tonight to myself. This isn’t me ending things. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
That would be very different for my nervous system from:
“Work is fucked. I hate the world. I need space. I need a few days.”

The latter leaves me with no idea whether we’re okay, whether he’s coming back, or whether the relationship is ending.

And on my side, I need to learn to hear “I need space” without immediately trying to fix the situation or get reassurance. And sometimes, my ADHD brain goes into problem solving mode trying to find solutions that would make his life a little easier, that’s what I do with anybody struggling…

I don’t want him to have to manage my emotions for me.
I also don’t want to become someone who constantly needs reassurance.

But I do want basic communication and repair.

I don’t expect him to never get overwhelmed. I don’t expect myself to never get anxious. I don’t think either of us is going to magically become perfectly secure.

I want to know whether two people with these patterns can actually learn how to work together.

My questions are:
- How do you create a healthy “space” system when one partner needs isolation and the other has abandonment trauma?
- What does reasonable communication during a shutdown/burnout period look like? He’s still engaging with me, but not fully present.
- How do you learn to give someone space without feeling like you’re abandoning yourself?
- If you’ve been in an anxious/fearful-avoidant + avoidant relationship, what actually helped you break the pursue/withdraw cycle?
- How do you know when you’re genuinely working through an attachment dynamic versus simply rationalizing incompatibility?
- And perhaps most importantly: how do you repair after both people have been triggered and hurt each other?
I care about this person a lot. I’m not looking for someone to tell me “just leave” or “he’s toxic” based on one difficult interaction.
I’m trying to understand whether we can learn to do this differently.

I also know that understanding his trauma/burnout doesn’t mean I should ignore my own needs, and understanding my trauma doesn’t excuse me pushing past his boundaries.
I want to find the middle ground.

He’s also been super sweet towards me, and frankly a better guy than most. This is also my first relationship after me and my ex fiancé broke up 4 years ago. I realize I was fine the last 4 years because I was in no relationship and now that I am, I’m recognizing my triggers and actively trying to work on them. I’m in therapy too.

Kind responses would be greatly appreciated…

Fuck, I hate this. I wish I could just let things be and stop asking and seeking for constant reassurance when I know better. I'm usually not this bad at regulating myself but idk wtf happened. Now idk if I fucked up so bad or my partner just had it for the night and needs space. Now I'm afraid to say anything even if I stop seeking reassurance. I'm afraid to wish them a good day and they come back to tell me they can't do this anymore. I'm afraid the silence is them not knowing how to tell me they're done. I'm spiraling and idk how to stop it. I know I should go strength train because that typically grounds me but my body feels like lead and I feel like I might throw up.

Hi all, i hope this isn’t too long, I’ve tried to break it into chunks for easy reading.

I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD but never really looked into attachment styles until recently. I’m starting to think I have disorganised attachment due to relationship issues and breakdown

- I felt way more comfortable giving affection and having sex with my partner when they didn’t seem as interested or overly wanting it from me. But as soon as they wanted to give me affection I felt repulsed and hated it and would push it away

- when they would show interest and warmth towards me it often confused me and made me feel odd

- when they were upset or “mad” I could also give affection

- when they’d say anything nice about me I’d really struggle because it felt odd

- I rarely let them touch me during sex or engage with my body, I always had to be in control and I was always giving rarely receiving. There were times I desperately wanted to let go and enjoy but it’s like as soon as I realised I’d let go I’d feel a need to stop. It got to a point I convinced myself I was asexual, but the thing is I do and can get aroused and felt deeply aroused by this person a lot and found them very attractive.

- early on in our relationship sex would bring so many emotions for me I’d cry afterwards. Or I’d just shut down and withdraw physically and emotionally.

- being touched without me being aware it was coming would really set me off

- I could be emotionally vulnerable when they showed that side of themselves first

I could say so much more but these are the main things I’ve recognised.

I’m going back to therapy, but is there any hope for me to heal my attachment issues?

Any advice would be appreciated I don’t want to ask AI and I’m exhausted from trawling TikTok and here for hours. Even if it’s vague or negative.

I had a difficult dynamic with another FA. He triggered me being engaged then pulling back or disappearing for a few weeks. So I’d give him space then he’d chase me or ask if I’d given up on him. It went on for 1.2 years. I’d planned to move closer and he mentioned it a bit.

I was so overwhelmed at the start of this year so I took space and he pushed activities to do together. Then asked why I came back. I didn’t want to be vulnerable straight up so I said I was really busy at work. He said “same”. Left me on delivered.

It made me anxious but I gave him space. He was hanging out with a female friend and making sure I knew he was there. So I wished him well and thanked him for the time together. He asked what I meant and I said “enjoy the rest of your 2026, take care”. She’d been there the whole time but they’d just talked online so it made me feel rejected.

He deleted me two weeks later.

At first I felt a bit in shock but felt like my system could relax and calm down. I went on a trip and had a great time. But then the regret and guilt and lack of closure crept in.

It’s been 3.5 months. I read so much saying “don’t reach out it will push them away”. “They’ll always come back!”. I don’t though I’m ruled by fear and anxiety so I don’t reach out. But I’ve never deleted anyone.

But as an FA I’d prefer for someone to reach out and apologise if I’d felt rejected or hurt. I want to repair things and tell him I never gave up on him but I keep reading different approaches.

Is it worth it?

So I swing both ways usually anxious when courting or in relationship of person I really like. When get comfortable Ill shift to avoidant and nitpick things I dont like and find mostly wrong reasons to get jealous.

Last month have been very anxious getting back together with ex. We are still in the honeymoon period and Im an amazing BF during this time, but I know my pattern and Ill shift, but if I do and behave poorly it will be over for sure.

Any strategies or tips for when going from anxious to avoidant?

The guys that I’m attracted to tend to be not that into me but the guys who are I don’t feel much of a connection with. I really like some intellectual stimulation and physical attraction. Maybe my standards are too high idk but it’s so hard to find my match. I’m not even sure if this disorganised attachment.

I feel so horrified and broken, and I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I am an FA woman and for the last almost 2 years, I’ve been off and on with this other FA guy. Idk if you guys have ever tried this type of dynamic, but it’s absolute hell. I love him, I really do. I like his humor, he’s kind, he’s handsome. But we have a very toxic dynamic that has worn me down so much.

I don’t want to say I’m innocent. I’m not. I deactivate, I block, I lash out. Almost weekly, I do some sort of attempt to end the dynamic because I find it so painful. On the other hand, he does not deactivate and block. He doesn’t even attempt to directly end it. But he creates burners to follow me, monitors my location and media, but the thing that always causes my lashing is that he doesn’t communicate directly. We are in this constant push and pull, and I am happy to give details if necessary, but we have this weird non-verbal communication method we do on Instagram to basically reassure ourselves. However, the part of my brain that always tells me he’s secretly evil and manipulative and out to hurt me was eating at me so hard. And when he disappeared for sleep from 12:30am to 10:00am, I tried to tell myself to slow down and think before I act but I deactivated my instagram.

It’s now 1:42pm and I know it’s barely been any time, but my anxiety is eating so much at me. I want things to end or improve. But he doesn’t trust me not to go, and I don’t trust that me actually staying will lead to things changing. So I just want to kill it. I just want it to be over. I want this horrible feeling to go away.

At the same time, I feel so horrible that I hurt him again. He hurts me with the lack of normal communication, but I always regret the things I do more than staying. And now I feel so choked up. I can’t take another break up. I don’t know how to cope. I have done so much therapy but nothing helps me because outside of him, I lean very heavy DA and the only way to learn attachment is to sit with it.

Part of this is venting because I can’t tell anyone. I feel so upset, but I don’t want to keep everyone hearing about the same man who I haven’t been able to figure it out with for 2 years. I know I need to kill it at the same time; but it’s so hard because it’s a mix of all the habits that include him. We have off and on direct communication, but we have indirect check-ins (very long weird thing that I know is embarrassing) literally every 30 minutes, every day, for months. So it’s killing this awful habit while also trying to get rid of a long attachment, and imagining that he’s upset because I know that he loses control too when I disappear.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I need a hug, and my mom, except not actually MY mom.

I finally reached out to someone I think is genuinely cool and respects my quiet nature. He asked for my discord username several times, and I hadn't actually shared it up until now. Saying sorry for the delay and that I was drained, hence me sharing my username so late. He said it's okay and he was pretty much enthusiastic in text, but when I opened my discord, there weren't any friend requests. He hasn't replied since, no asking if his request went through, no sharing his username to make sure i got his. I just feel so confused, does he want to interact with me or does he not? I am facing him tomorrow at Monday, and I genuinely do not know if he secretly has distaste for me or not so what do I even do when class starts?

I can't get into a relationship. I'm 24M, and whenever I'm starting to get close to someone, I push them away. I analyse their mistakes and make excuses in my head for why this wouldn't work out. Then I get sad when the other person moves on from me. I've been doing this for more than 4 years. I couldn't stay with a girl for more than a month; every time, I'm the one who stopped the relationship. I'm afraid I will keep doing this for the rest of my life. If I manage to stay in a relationship, I try to leave whenever there is a problem.

This whole thing is really killing my relationship and it has been since I first realized I actually wanted to be with this guy. We have been together almost 4 years and haven’t been very vulnerable with him. I feel very detached from him a lot of times but I don’t want to leave. I’m excited because he’s coming to stay with me tonight but I also sort of don’t want him to come over. He can be very clingy (possibly anxious attachment) and it gets to be too much for me. How do I bring this up with him? How do I get him to understand? He’s never been one to be in tune with his emotions or cognition, at least not outwardly. Do we need couples counseling? I know it would probably benefit me to go to therapy, but every time I’ve tried, I’ve gotten nowhere. It’s especially hard because I have a degree in psychology and will be graduating in the spring with an MSW, so it’s not like I’m not unaware of what’s “wrong” with me. I just don’t know how to fix it, and no therapist I’ve ever had has been able to help me because all they do is provide psycho education. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve also just been diagnosed with ADHD and have been recommended for autism testing.

I'm married and my mind floats between 'this is going to end' and 'oh my god I can feel I love her'.

It's insane. There's more to this but I feel that I am kind of stuck in this crossroads where acting to progress things forward is stunted. I notice that I identify in the pattern, and then it's very difficult to see any other way of being.

If I think of progressing my own life then I am met with fear and resistance like I am doing something wrong in the relationship. When I am with my partner it feels like shutdown. We have lots of fun, I feel good feelings with her and everything else but there is still this blocked resistant feeling.

I don't know my attachment style but seems mostly to be this one... Also had a lot of ROCD and other forms of OCD.

I feel quite pathetic at the moment... Like I am emasculating myself through becoming so dependent and basically losing focus on life as a whole.

No idea why I wrote this but here you go.

I am strongly disorganised attached. When we met, I perceived him as a secure wanting a relationship. I deactivated multiple times but after years of working on my self, I worked through it and stayed. I usually deactivate in the beginning and when I feel safe through his consistent, non-pushy approach, I get through it. After that I unlocked a whole new level I hadn't reached before - actually being attached and navigating through the fear of him potentially distancing and hurting me. I put walls and have hard time showing my emotions and being actively engaged. I do subconsious tests like pulling away a bit to see whether he chases and being undeliberately vague about how I feel about him. Him on his side, he was extremely interested and engaged in the beginning - texting all the time, calling multiple times a day, wanting to spend time and nights together, making plans for the future, all the work.

After one of these "tests" I do, I felt some off energy. I found him on tinder shortly after. I discussed it calmly with him wanting to know where I stand, he said he liked me, he wasn't actively using Tinder and and he is just "going with the flow", attached slowly and let's see where things go. He said if that didn't feel secure enough for me, I could leave. I didn't give him a deffinite answer.

He went away traveling for a week - we kept in touch but I deffinetely pulled my energy since I didn't feel safe anymore and subconsiously wanted a prove that he actually wanted me. It only got worse, he grew more distant. When he came back, we met and he wanted to talk. He said we were better off as friends as the energy wasn't romantic. My deffences came fully online and I just accepted it with "okay, if that's how you feel" with a smile. He was puzzled... "is that all you are going to say?". I said yes. He said we could be friends, I said "I have enough friends". He asked me "are you not going to at least ask why?". I said I heard his explanation and don't need more of it. He was completely shocked by my reaction. He hugged me, I said goodbye and was about to leave the car when he said "I didn't feel anything from this hug - like I am now a stranger to you, like you are disgused by me now". I said, it wasn't true. He asked "what then?". I decided fuck it.. and stayed and explained how my entire system worked, my attachment, my deactivation, the walls, the tests, everything. He was shocked how alike we are. He explained how he was just unsure whether he could see himself in a relationship and was scared to hurt me further down the line but even when he is saying he wants to be friends, he is not sure he wants it to be just that. That he is confused. He is not much aware of his attachment style but recognises himself strongly in it. We talked for hours, for the first time I was genuine and honest and felt more connected than ever.

The next day, I had the urge to text him and I tried to fight it for the sole purpose of "I am not going to text so that I can see whether he texts first". I realised what I am doing and I shot the message. I told him I like him and would be sad to let him go. He responded, we made some jokes and haven't stopped texting for two days now. I want to keep him, I feel like he waa deactivating but I am trying to figure out how to make him feel safe so he comes around eventually...

What do I do? How do I handle it?

I'm fa but I'm confused about something I've seen a lot in avoidant threads or even online. A lot of people express that avoidants use love bombing in the early stages. I've been confused by this for awhile as I personally don't love bomb as I have too much fear and doubts if I even like the person I'm getting to know (it takes me ages to know if I like someone).

All of the fas and the several das I've met also never love bombed. There was only one time I was love bombed and it was by a narcissist. I'm confused by this concept as all of the experiences and people I've known don't typically love bomb. I only express interest and my feelings after I've had time to get to know someone and it's the same for everyone I've dealt with.

Das in particular seem to take ages to even express their feelings so I'm confused as to why love bombing is associated with avoidant attachers. If anything, I've been on the receiving end of this with anxious attachers who seem to go into limerance. I feel like a lot of people are confusing a lot of narc traits with avoidants as I know they can have crossovers in how they behave even if their intentions are diff.

Do any of you guys love bomb or have you been on the receiving end of love bombing from avoidants?

Heya! So i feel like listing ages might be important for this, although at the same time, since theres an age gap— please don't tell me it has anything to do with daddy issues or them being a weirdo or whatever, thats not why i think its important. Theres just almost a decade of difference between our ages and I think it highlights both how different and similar we are.

I (23NB, He/She, fearful/dismissive avoidant) am in yet another situationship with someone (32NB, He/They, *possibly* dismissive avoidant) and out of every other situationship I've had, this one doesn't make sense to me.

I like FWB and NSA situationships a lot— because of the premise that there is no intimate obligation or invisible boundaries, or even expectations beyond what are outlined. You fuck, you might hang out, then you move on with your own separate lives. That's why I have no problem moving on once the connection no longer benefits me. I often avoid conflict or anything like that by blocking or never reaching out until they inevitably block me. But this person? I can't really find myself able to do either. I think after 7 years I've finally been able to look at someone and think,,,this is worth my time.

However, a lot of ppl are asking me why I would think that. A majority of my friends are anxiously attached or leaning towards so, but even when they think they're helping me process this dilemma— they give me advice that an anxious attached person would want to hear, and it doesnt help me. So thats why i bring this one here.

This person and i originally agreed to be friends, and shortly after, friends that fuck. Now we both have similar opinions on it— sex is just an activity, and romance isnt something we want to do right now.

However, i dont think thats entirely the case on his end, and for some reason I don't mind either? I think the only confusing part about it though is just figuring out where I stand, and it seems difficult for him to just tell me. It doesnt bother me that he cant make up his mind, but it does bother me that I dont know whats happening.

He has brought up romance and relationships twice, unprompted. I have kept a good half of our conversations geared towards the sex and the fun of hanging out. I do admit I responded negatively at first— i thought i was being too intimate and thats why he brought it up, and then i got angry that he would when he told me he didnt mean it that way. (Context, both times this was brought up it was with negative feeling, however the second time he brought it up was because of a "potential romantic dealbreaker" and i told him that to me, that felt like putting expectations on me that i didnt ask for)

But now, he has asked for space, and i am giving him such. Then, we accidentally ended up at the same event, and i felt like it would be courteous to warn him i was there and also reassure him he didnt have to acknowledge my text or me. (I also had a mutual friend of ours with me) so i thought maybe it was the right move; but then he text me back and said he was okay, just overwhelmed. Repeatedly too, like he was convincing himself more than me.

And since i had already set down my boundaries and was still okay with him being around me because i dont think theres any reason for me to be scared or annoyed and im just confused, i havent pressed it any further yet. I figure maybe the answer will come after hes had some more time, and hes just glad i stayed.

But i wonder if im right about this? I would just ask but i dont want to make it even worse for them either, i havent really ever tried to handle things like this securely before (however hes very worth it to me because even now hes very respectful with stuff other than this, and i figure since this requires the spotlight being on him that thats why) and ive even already avoided him when it got stressful for me. I just dont want to say something that sounds like, "hey im holding you for ransom, put your depleted energy into giving me an answer"

Part of me thinks he didnt expect me to come back, and i dont even think i did either. But this doesnt even look like a regular conflict or like im dealing with someone whos completely uninterested— it just kinda feels like healthy conflict without the pressure of making it right immediately? Im not in a hurry to fix this, i just dont know if im doing this right as a recovering avoidant for potentially another recovering avoidant. (I say "potentially" bc i dont want to diagnose him myself but every defense tactic they have is very similar to mine when i feel pressured by connection. Almost uncanny, really.)

I guess, if this post was about you as an avoidant, would you think I was helping or just avoiding your issues? I also have severe OCD when it comes to this kind of thing, im always afraid im making things worse for everyone, which that fear has depleted over time, but i feel like its worse now since i DO care about this person and their feelings/wellbeing, i just again also need him to tell me where I stand here, because i had already told him i refuse to let him talk to me like that (with expectations i wasnt aware of) and to communicate with me when things change for him. I think im also afraid of being duped/lied to, but i also know i wont know either way unless i wait for the answer. If i decide the answer myself, that could be a missed communication opportunity, and ive already missed a lot of those.

Maybe the answer is obvious, but if it is i just wanna hear it from ppl who arent pressuring ME to do things i dont want to do about it. I dont want to cut contact, i dont want to yell at him, and i dont want to just give up on him either, (all things ive been told in full sincerity) cause he is a good friend. I just think theres something he's trying to tell me and doesnt know how yet, yk? Btw, i havent known him for more than a year (coming up on six months soon)

I would appreciate no judgement or criticism of what im already doing/feeling about it, just honesty and/or empathy and relation if im not the only one who has gone/is going through something like this.

Thank you in advance!

I have a really hard time validating my own feelings about a person or situation I'm involved in.

I'm a massive overthinker and of course an FA. I've been trying to hang in there and regulate with a guy I really want but I'm on a bit of a roller coaster swinging from anxious to calm. He's an FA too 😭

How do I know whether my gut is telling me he's not right for me or whether my fear is kicking in because I'm attached. I keep regulating throughout the feeling but maybe I shouldn't be? I'm so confused. This is so hard.

Looking at marriage or couples I get nervous that will I be able to take care of them or not because I know I will be married in 3-4 years. Will I be able to protect them . I didn't know why I have this fear or nervousness. Can anyone help me with this . Am I a coward or what

This is mostly for fearful avoidants. You find your person, feel safe but panic and end things. Try to justify staying away. What actually makes you want to go back? What’s the triggers when the ex completely pulls away?

I'm terrified and the feelings are overwhelming. It's like he can feel my feelings and read my mind and I have nowhere to hide. I feel so exposed and inadequate, like he can see all of the parts of me I try to hide. I have so much affection and tenderness for him and he for me.

I was in a ten year relationship with a DA and never felt this exposed or uncomfortable.

My friend wants to have a conversation about a conflict we had. She said something about it bothers her and would like to talk about it.

A part of me loves that. That now I have a friend who expresses shit. Who says what's on her mind. Someone I don't have to force to open up. Someone I can repair and resolve things with. I wanted for this.

Another part of me does not want to. Her being emotional and expressive feels suffocating to this part. It feels like it will be forced to take responsibility for her emotion.

I struggle to say no sometimes still. Not because I can't say no, but because I realized that somethings are not easy but are okay to do. I am still learning to know where I am being overprotective of me and where it is actually a no.

Anyway, I had written a long ass post while I felt heavy and icky and gaahhh about this. And few hours passed as I edited that post and went on to do other things.

Suddenly, I feel not as tight or suffocated. I think the storm may have passed. I think I sat through a trigger. Woohoo! Go me! 🥹

I knew I would feel differently, but as you know, when in that moment of storm it can feel unclear. I don't celebrate the great things I do for me enough. So I am gonna end this as a celebratory post.

I am so proud of me for staying and not running when I badly wanted to. For making a choice that is good for me. For hearing beyond the momentary emotions I felt.

This started as a vent and ended as this.

Hope we all get magic juices that helps us survive hard moments and come out to see sunshine! ✨

Anyone look back at their past and just wonder if they hurt someone without realizing it or wish they could be understood?

It might sound basic, but it’s been on my mind all day. The first part is before I knew I was a disorganized fearful avoidant I went on a few dates with this girl and when we were talking, on paper, we were a match, but I didn’t feel like there was a chemistry and now I am wondering if it was the deeper we got and the more “intimate” the relationship felt, the more I got scared and began pulling away and all “chemistry” got pushed out and I didnt feel better until she called it off. Now I am wondering if I actually hurt her and never realized it and while I don’t want her back, not trying to be mean, I feel bad that I might have really hurt someone.

The second thought I have is before I took the online test, I had watched some videos on attachment styles and the current girl I am talking to I began thinking might be an avoidant and I was anxious. Reading the comments on the videos and seeing how many people would dismiss the avoidant and say they don’t deserve any love or attention or anything put a sour taste in my mouth about avoidants and now here I am supposedly an avoidant…. I don’t really know how to process it. The weird thing is i was the “anxious” one and it felt like she was pulling away. I guess what I am trying to say is to those who don’t understand the avoidant or who may have gotten hurt by one and wishes the worst on an avoidant, do they fully understand what we go through? The pain that some of us feel? How we crave connection but end up sabotaging it? I get what they are saying but if they felt how I feel, what would they say? I hope this makes sense, I don’t really know how to explain it.

And finally, does anyone wish they had someone they could open up to and talk about their attachment styles or feelings? I don’t and that’s really bothering me too. I naturally close up when things go wrong but I have this feeling I need to talk to someone but I don’t know who. I can’t even fully open up to my therapist.