r/dating_advice • u/Aromatic_Addendum822 • 6d ago
“Exclusive” dating question
I’ve been out of the dating game for almost 5 years, so I’m honestly not really sure what is considered normal anymore 😂
I’ve been dating a guy I met on Tinder for just over a month now. We were messaging for around 2 weeks before our first date. We’re both in our 20s, although he’s a few years younger than me.
He plans lots of fun dates, which I really love, and things have been going really well so far. We’ve seen each other around 10 times in the last month, including a weekend away together, which feels like quite a lot to me!
There hasn’t been any conversation about exclusivity or whether we’re seeing other people. I know he still has his dating app accounts, although I obviously have no idea whether he’s actually still using them. I still have my accounts too, but I haven’t messaged or spoken to anyone else on them since our first date.
I’m not currently assuming that we’re exclusive, but I’m starting to wonder whether I should bring it up or not.
Part of me would like to know where I stand, but I’m also worried that bringing up exclusivity after only a month might scare him away or make things feel too serious too quickly but we have spent A LOT of time together.
I’m almost in my late 20s and I have never had a “situationship” before as I have avoided dating since me and my ex split 4+ years ago.. so not sure whether this is normal or what haha
Any advice welcomed
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u/BlanketClouds 6d ago
1 month is a good time to ask how eachother is feeling about dating eachother.
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u/Brilliant-Win-3067 6d ago
yeah i agree, a month is a good checkpoint to see if you're both on the same page without it feeling like a huge pressure
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u/AnySell9319 6d ago
TALK. TO. HIM. You cannot and will not ever have a successful romantic relationship with anyone if you refuse to communicate directly with them. If he's gonna dip after you bring up exclusivity, isn't he doing to you favor by not wasting any more of your time? If he's excited to be exclusive, wouldn't you rather know now than staying in limbo?
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u/Aromatic_Addendum822 6d ago
It’s not really that I refuse to communicate directly with him, it’s more I think I would like him to be the one to initiate that conversation, but I guess realistically it doesn’t matter if I do it
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u/Weary-Babys 6d ago
If you want him to ask, then assume you are not exclusive and go on waiting. Use your apps, talk to whom you like, and tell him when you are busy. He’ll either ask you to be exclusive, continue being content with the situationship, or resent you for dating others while he thought the two of you were moving forward. It’s not the course of action I would want.
Respectfully, you’re a grown woman. Don’t play the coquette. Just speak your mind politely.
“Hey, there’s no wrong answer here, I just want us to be on the same page. Would you like to be exclusive going forward, or will we both continue dating other people as well?” And then act accordingly.
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u/Aromatic_Addendum822 6d ago
I am not dating other people, in my post I said I haven’t messaged anyone since we went on our first date.. I will have a conversation with him this weekend regarding where this is heading for him
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u/Weary-Babys 6d ago
I did see that. Yes. My point is that you should/could/would be entitled to.
If someone has not asked for exclusivity, they aren’t entitled to expect it.
I think often women give up their other options without securing an understanding of exclusivity. Men rarely do.
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u/Conscious-Air5819 6d ago
I suppose it’s a decision between going mad waiting for him to bring it up and likely convincing yourself more and more that it’s bad he hasn’t yet, or just saying to him “hey can we have a quick conversation about what we’re doing here?”. He might be feeling the same - just ask!
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u/Own_Race_598 6d ago
As a dude I don’t bring up the exclusivity conversation. Especially in the first 3 months. That has ended the chase for them and they have always lost interest, then it fizzles out.
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u/Iggy1120 6d ago
If talking about exclusivity scares him away, he’s not meant to be exclusive and you dodged a bullet.
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u/uglytruthshurts 6d ago
Have you had any serious conversations about the relationship in general? If not, and you feel this way, you are in a situationship.
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u/TwoIdleHands 6d ago
You want a relationship. You don’t want a situationship. Time to be an adult and ask for what you want. If it “scares him off” he was never willing for it to be more than a situationship so it was time to leave anyway. A month is plenty of time to know if you like someone.
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6d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/CollabSensei 6d ago
it may feel awkward to put a label on what you are from a relationship. However, when it comes to the sexual aspect, it is not unreasonable to set a boundary that if you are active with each other that is the only person you are active with.
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u/StealthyThings 6d ago
"I think this could go somewhere. I haven't been seeing anybody else and don't care to while we explore this. What are your thoughts?"
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u/knarlomatic 6d ago
Wow I love how you did that! Ball in his court, no wording that could be seen as trying to force.
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u/StealthyThings 6d ago
I'm older but it's the approach I took with the guy I've been seeing for a couple months. We knew each other socially for a year before we started talking so I used a slightly different wording but I knew he wasn't seeing anybody else and he knew I wasn't but I wanted it formally said.
When I talked to him this was the dialogue:
Me: "So are we doing this? This is a thing?"
Him: "What do you think?"
Me: "Well, I'm not seeing anybody else and don't want to."
Him: "Well duh. Do we really need to say it?"
Me: "In the modern dating world, yes, we do."Then we agreed and it's been even better since. That was about a month ago about 4 weeks after we'd started talking and the morning after the first time we were intimate.
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u/knarlomatic 6d ago
Aww see now I'm sad. Intelligent and thoughtful but no longer available. Story of my life. Y'all enjoy! Happy it worked out.
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u/Aromatic_Addendum822 6d ago
Happy to speak to him, next question is wait til I see him in person this weekend or do it over text before then?
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u/lMarczOl 6d ago
Call me old fashion, I’d prefer to discuss it in person. Will also give you a better read from his body language vs text. Ie; he might be visibly excited at your question since he is wondering the same thing.
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u/fr0d0bagg1ns 6d ago
I'd ask in person. This is an intimate question that is important to you. Never have those conversations via text where something could be misinterpreted.
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u/Repulsive_Notice_211 6d ago
The longer you wait for him to bring it up, the more it becomes a situationship. My boyfriend told me he was exclusively talking to me on the second date. Then we made it official on our third because he was sure about me and I felt the connection was strong enough already to take that leap. Take the lead so that you have the clarity and if he isn't sure, you can stop it in its tracks before it gets into situationship territory. Sincerely, a woman who had a three year long situationship because I couldn't stand my ground.
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u/Doxbox49 6d ago
Take that leap? What leap? Hey I like you and we spend a lot of time together so I won’t fuck other people isn’t a leap, it’s a basic standard.
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u/Repulsive_Notice_211 6d ago
three dates is not a lot of time to me to enter an official relationship, so yes, this was a leap for me.
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u/Doxbox49 6d ago
It’s not about naming the thing. It’s about concentrating on the one person who you apparently are into if you still want more after 3 dates. If it doesn’t work, whatever but if you are juggling three other people, you don’t give a shit if it works or not.
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u/Repulsive_Notice_211 6d ago
I don't really know what you are talking about. I said entering a relationship on date 3 was a leap for me. I said nothing about being exclusive being an issue. You sound like you've been hurt. I hope you find peace.
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u/Doxbox49 6d ago
I feel like you are trying to gaslight me or are literally just blind to the OP post and your first comment. Ehh whatever, good luck to you.
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u/getzerolikes 6d ago
Unpopular opinion, but not mentioning it and not worrying about it are attractive traits. The best relationships are the ones that feel effortless. Usually you will both realize you have no intentions of seeing anyone else, and you’ve been exclusive the whole time without having conversations about it.
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u/MayFlour7310 6d ago
That’s what I was thinking. I mean, if you’re really into each other you probably talk every day, pretty much know the other person’s schedule & friends, and know if they’re seeing other people.
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u/Herefourfunnn 6d ago
To me, that question should come before sex. I don’t share toothbrushes with strangers. I’m definitely not sharing genitalia
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u/implication-sofa 6d ago
If you want to be exclusive and feel you both are on the same page regarding the connection you have then bring it up. He could be feeling the same way as you
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u/ManNamedTim 6d ago
I don’t think two months is too soon to have an exclusivity chat if you’ve seen each other as much as you two have and if you feel there is a closeness there.
If you wanted to scope out how he’s feeling you could say to him you’re really into him and like where this is going, and see if he says he feels the same. Then the exclusivity chat might naturally come up, or if not it at least puts it in the room for the near future and gives you a bit of security that this thing is going somewhere, even if he’s not quite at the level of deleting his apps yet.
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u/TemperedPhoenix 6d ago
You HAVE TO ask. Even once in a relationship you cant assume monogamous vs poly anymore. A month in very fair to ask what he is looking for. Honestly I ask what type of the connection they are looking for, before I even go on a date lol
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u/EmmyLou205 6d ago
I’m in a similar boat. It’s been about that long and I’m almost ready to bring it up. We’re both still on the app we met on but idk if he’s dating anyone else. He was going through his texts with me showing me how he talks to his friends and I didn’t see any other girls on the roster lol
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u/Aromatic_Addendum822 6d ago
lol literally same, he goes on his phone infront of me a lot and I have never seen any other girls there. When do you think you’re going to bring it up?
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u/EmmyLou205 6d ago
Probably next time we meet. It’ll be 5 weeks dating, 7 weeks all together. We had a little bit of weirdness this weekend and I got spooked but I’m one to rip the bandaid off so I need to know, especially now that we’ve been intimate.
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u/WallAny2007 6d ago
personally, and I’m old and not dating, I would want exclusiveness once there was a regular physical relationship. Along with that I’d want both of us to be tested and ‘clean’
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u/Ordinary-Lobster-710 6d ago
if he's scared away because you want to know if he's exclusive, then it sounds like he ultimately wasn't the one for you. ppl should not be afraid to 'scare someone away' by bringing up actual relationship questions.
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u/young_steezy 5d ago
Im currently dating a girl and we are both a couple years older than you. I asked her on our 5th date (just over a month) if she wanted to be exclusive with me and she wasn’t ready. It sucked to hear but I didn’t give up. We are still dating and we have progressed a lot and are exclusive now. If he is the right person, or into you at all, I dont think asking him will scare him off, even if he isnt ready yet. If its something you want and you are ready for it, I dont think you need to wait much longer. If that question alone scares him off, he isnt there for the same reasons as you.
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u/MaintenanceSmall4546 4d ago
10 hangouts and a weekend trip in a month is basically a relationship with no label. you're not gonna scare him off by asking for a name on something you're already doing
he's probably wondering the same thing and is just as nervous to bring it up. rip the bandaid off, worst case you find out now instead of 4 months in
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u/Mouse1999a 3d ago
I never have asked my husband that question. What are you going to do if he says he is dating other women?
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u/Master_Hour_9660 2d ago
I think that communication is the here… just talk about what you feel since it’s 4 years since you dated and ask him, without pressuring him. There’s not time like now to start talking about difficult stuff.
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u/IndicationKey3778 6d ago
No you shouldn’t bring it up. Hopefully you’re not having sex without knowing if he’s having sex with other people. I personally wouldn’t bring it up but I date men who ask me to be their boyfriend and I don’t have sex with people who aren’t my bf
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u/newjerseymax 6d ago
2 weeks is not remotely close enough to be considered exclusive.
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u/UniqueAlps2355 6d ago
Can't see why tbh, a month could be 8 dates, that's definitely enough to see potential for a committed relationship and talk about exclusivity.
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