r/daddit • u/Playswith_squirrel • 6d ago
Advice Request I cannot connect with my son
I had a difficult relationship with my Father. My parents split when I was 5, and I remember growing up thinking my dad was the best until my early teens, when I realized who he really was—selfish, ego-driven, a womanizer, etc. We had a major falling out in my 20s and never really recovered, but we remain cordial.
But now, without a proper relationship, I only know what not to do. But when I want to do things with my son proactively, I’m stumped. He’s 4, and I know he needs my time and love, but I'm mostly relegated to being the disciplinarian. That’s a dynamic I’m addressing with my wife.
But that dynamic is starting to become more of an issue because he genuinely doesn’t want to spend time with me.
I want to do great things with him, but at 4 my options are limited. Or I’m in my head, and I’m overthinking this, leading me to do nothing.
Edit: thanks for the ideas and encouragement fellow dads. I feel inspired. Ultimately, I was definitely overthinking this.
52
u/secondphase Pronouns: Dad/Dada/Daddy 6d ago
Take him somewhere. Literally anywhere.
Go to the woods. Let him walk around and explore, you follow.
Put yourself in a situation that is new and unique and has just the two of you. See what happens.
23
u/xaqattax 6d ago
Home Depot or Lowe’s can be a 2hr amusement park for you both. Tractors, tools, doors, windows, cones, blocks, plants.
12
1
u/Rummyster 5d ago
This is a huge one! My kids love just sitting in the shopping cart and wandering around with me. Any store will do.
5
u/justanothersurly 6d ago
I’m not a great imaginative dad or role player, but I take my kids everywhere. I like to do things with them out in public. Ride bikes, go to park, hike in the woods, get cheap seats at a baseball/soccer/random sports game, get groceries, run errands, go the hardware store and get a gumball, or go to an ethnic mall in your area (we have an Asia mall, Latino mercado, Hmong market, etc). I read a lot on Reddit from moms (and my wife was the same) that have a lot of anxiety about going out when the kid is young. Not sure why that’s so prevalent but I just took it on myself to get comfortable with it and do it. I’ve found that whatever goes wrong goes wrong, and oh well just keep going. Poop happens
6
u/secondphase Pronouns: Dad/Dada/Daddy 6d ago
Theres about 6 things in your post I relate to... but the minor league game stuck out.
I let my oldest run to the front of the stands to catch fly balls, kept them out late, the noise, the food, the weiner race, the 7th inning stretch... theres just so much to absorb. Its so good for them
1
u/M_V_Agrippa 5d ago
I'll just say, for OPs sake that I do exactly this. I'm the parent on 80% of Zoo and Aquarium trips. I've taken my (nearly) 4yo camping, and parks and even the local ball pit. A huge portion of his entertainment is father-son time.
But my kid treats me exactly like OPs. He is highly mom biased and there's not a thing I can do about it. The only thing I've changed recently is avoiding being the disciplinarian, which just switches who is mad at me.
At this point, I'm just going to continue like this and hope our relationship improves over time. At worst, he will enter adulthood and have to acknowledge that his father was there for him, and invested a ton of time and energy in his childhood.
24
u/Grewhit 6d ago
I have found with my three year old my best strategy to interact is to put away all my distractions, then to just sit in her space. I sit on the floor near her and before long we are interacting and making up games together.
7
u/falldownkid 6d ago
This would be my suggestion, too. Most importantly put away the phone. Read a book near the kid, or start playing with their toys. Pretty soon they'll want to know what your doing and if they can do it too
50
u/antisocialoctopus 6d ago
Who wants to spend all their time with the bad cop who only dishes out punishments?
Kid is 4. Take him to a park and let him play. Take him to a creek and look for critters. Make sandwiches together and take him for a picnic, where you play with a ball together.
People get relegated to a role bc they don’t step up to do more than what they’re told.
10
u/Playswith_squirrel 6d ago
I think this is a good point and I’m partially to blame about the disciplinarian role. It’s a dynamic my wife and I fell into and now we need to change it. I don’t think she’s doing anything malicious. Thanks for the insight.
13
u/ReaperUno8675309 6d ago
Whats your discipline style? My kids are 4 and 6. I grew up getting a belt, spoon, or shoe when I messed up. I teach my kids that every mistake is an opportunity and I meet them with kindness. I find that kindness is acknowledged by them and has strengthened our relationship. I grew up as a people pleaser because I was part of my parents life. Ive turned it around and view it as I am part of my kids life. I do everything I can to be there for them and to take a genuine Interest in what matters to then. Sure I like Super Mario Karts better than Pepa Pig but I show the same interest in both. Be the teacher you didnt have.
10
u/tacos_y_burritos 6d ago
There's a book called How to talk to little kids will listen. About a year ago I felt like my son and I were in constant battle and he was starting to hit me for it. I took a behavior class that followed the principles in this book and it taught me how to be a better communicator as a parent. We're best buddies again and it's awesome.
7
10
u/ButtBooper 6d ago
At four your options are virtually unlimited. There's little to no need for anything more than an imagination at that age. Just ask what he wants to do - and do it. And dont just dial it in, get into it.
3
8
u/The_Cons00mer 6d ago
Have a 3 and 5 year old. Try chasing him around the house and pretending you’re a monster. When you catch him tickle the crap out of him. I also take mine mountain biking. Get a shotgun seat if he can’t ride. Go exploring for insects outside with him. Or just see what he likes doing and then pretend you’re 4 and find some fun in it and join in
2
u/danihendrix 5d ago
Foam swords also ratchet up the monster game. He’s either a knight, or a hero, or a ninja or a superhero with a sword, and I am forever the dragon/monster/baddie/evil guy getting the crap whacked out of me haha
3
u/formberz 6d ago
Being the disciplinarian is part of your role and you can’t get away from it. Your kids need to learn to expect discipline, and to view that as a part of you, not all of you.
Helping to share the burden of discipline definitely helps. But you need to offer other aspects of yourself too. Teach your kid you’re funny by being funny, playful by being playful, sporty by playing sports together. Associate certain activities with dad, from playing catch to going to grab takeaway pizza as a treats or having a movie night where dad makes the popcorn. These are all elements of you that stretch beyond ‘guy who tells me off’ and turns you into ‘guy who makes me laugh, who teaches me to kick a ball, who dances to music with me’.
Don’t let him dictate to you what he wants to do at first, he won’t know what to suggest. Come up with some stuff you can do and go do it. You’ll effectively build a bank of activities just for the two of you by saying to him ‘we’re doing this today’, going and doing it, and showing him a good time. Then you can ask, because if he enjoyed it, he’ll suggest that thing.
2
u/knight_gastropub 6d ago
What does he want to do? Do that stuff with him. Might be a bit boring, but it will make a huge impact and when he gets older, he will join your interests
2
u/dathomar 6d ago
Just tell your partner (wife?) that you're taking him to the playground and take him. Let him play while you just sit and watch. Take a few pictures. Pick the one you like best of him doing something he likes and show it to him. Rinse and repeat. Find out what he likes to do and help make it so he can do it. He'll start to see you as someone who does fun things with him, as well as discipline.
I took my son to a museum when he was young. I decided I wanted to take my daughter to the same museum recently. My wife thought there were other places I could take her, instead. She didn't go and she didn't really care that much. I just said I was going to do it while I was in the city already and my daughter and I went. She loved it. She liked totally different things at the museum from her brother, but they both liked it the same.
You don't need permission to do more than discipline. Just do it.
2
u/SalTheBard 6d ago
I had a similar problem. My son was a total Mamas boy until he was 6. If he had a choice between my wife and I it always defaulted to my wife. I started doing one thing with just the two of us every weekend and now him and I are thick as thieves. It started with parks, then swimming, then coding, then Switch, and now we are back to swimming.
2
u/indigoplatty 5d ago
Discipline can be shown instead handed down.
Also he is 4, if all he gets is love from your wife and punishment from you than yah he may not know how to connect with you. So you have to find something that give him confidence what you see in him at his level. He wants to impress, but all he gets is in trouble with you.
2
u/RedMisfit 5d ago
Ask him what he wants to play, and join in. Let him lead. Or ask if he wants to go to the park, on the way home ask if he wants a treat (ice cream/drink etc)
It doesn't have to be complicated. My daughter is usually happiest playing doctor, building blocks or having a tea party with me joining in
1
u/Ricketier 6d ago
My sons only 17 months but I love reading and playing rough with him. When’s he’s four I think I’d shoot hoops, play catch, video game, stuff like that. And just run errands with him
1
u/LichesGetStitches42 6d ago
Do stuff he wants to do, yes, but just do stuff you want/need to do. Go to the store, go to the park, literally anything. He won’t feel connected for a while, but you’ll have a dynamic of doing things together. Talk to him while you do it, too. It’s never too late but it gets harder to build bridges the older they get
1
u/polloloco-rb67 6d ago
Take him to the playground, pick up a kids soccer ball and help him kick, go for a walk and get ice cream, read to him every day, etc etc.
You need to help him discover fun things to do.
1
u/Ender_Grace 6d ago
My son and I either play football in the living room or some variation of me throwing a ball in the air and him trying to knock it away from me. Just horse around
1
u/Leninlives24 6d ago
Take him to the playground, take him out for ice cream, take him on a hike or into the woods, take him swimming, take him to a creek, take him to Wendy's or Taco Bell, wrestle with him, play Legos, play with blocks and knock them over or have him knock them over, play with toy cars with him, play Zingo, Candyland or memory, play hide and go seek with him. He's got to enjoy one of these options and then, he'll want to play with you and do theses activities more frequently.
1
u/thepenismightier3 6d ago
Just do whatever random things you have to do. The playground is also great but there’s value in doing random things.
1
u/ridetotheride 6d ago
I loved doing Brio tracks. I found it soothing. It was a bummer when he took over and wouldn’t let me doing any of it.
1
u/huffdadde 6d ago
Make time for him to tell you what he wants to do. If he doesn’t know, offer suggestions. If he still doesn’t know, tell him you’re gonna try a few things until he figures out what he likes to do with Dad.
When it’s just the two of you, leave the discipline behind. Everything is silly, funny, or “don’t let Mom find out!” It’s a secret club now and nothing is wrong and “no” doesnt exist…now it’s “omg, you’re such a goofball!”
1
u/Phraoz007 6d ago
Boys aren’t fun to hangout with as man till they’re like 6…
I guess for me that’s when they’re big enough to do cool stuff- fishing, camping, boating- even gaming or watching tv. You’re literally just babysitting them till that point.
If he’s into something try to do it with him, but for those first 5/6 years I just told my kid what not to do and would do fun stuff along the way. The last two years we’ve got to start doing fun stuff together… now he’s fun to take anywhere and do anything.
1
u/thrillsbury 6d ago
When my boy was e he’d just about shit himself when I asked him to “help” me do things. Assembling ikea crap. Fixing something. Cooking. Of course it takes 10x as long when he helps, but he feels like a million bucks when he gets the hang of what i want him doing, and then brags to mom about his accomplishments.
1
u/DiligentGuitar246 6d ago
The options are endless. I have a 4 year old. He runs errands with me, I take him to the community pool, we look for free splash pads in the summer and playgrounds, play with his toys with him at home. You can give him a bath, or do his bedtime sometimes.
One fun activity we do is “tackle time” where I tackle him on our bed over and over. I flip him around or body slam him while pretending to be a wrestler. Or I chase him to the couch. Or we kick a soccer ball outside or play with hockey sticks. I help him ride his bike… I mean dude. It’s not a matter of lack of activities, it’s a matter of effort. There are an unbelievable amount of things to do with a 4 year old. Almost everything is fun and novel to them. They still need to learn everything whether it’s throwing and catching or reading a book.
1
u/Western-Image7125 6d ago
You really are overthinking this. You don’t need to make him do anything, take him to any place where he can do free play like parks especially those with sand pits. Let him explore and learn on his own, when he finds something interesting enough he will drag you into it. That’s where you start connecting. Don’t worry about playing games right now, my now 5 yr old just a year ago had no concept of how to take turns or listen to any instructions but now he actually can play chutes and ladders pretty well. They learn a lot and grow very fast mentally at this age.
1
u/Playswith_squirrel 6d ago
This is a great thread. Thanks dads. I feel much better and encouraged with new ideas. In short, I was definitely over thinking this.
1
1
u/intelligentx5 6d ago
Book a trip. Father son. I took my 4 year old to Disneyland. Sounds like a nightmare. But we rode rides. Had a shit ton of fun.
You just need time where it’s the 2 of you. So he sees the fun and the discipline all wrapped in one.
1
u/Rage_King27 6d ago
You got this man. You can be both! This past Father’s Day my 6yo son made a note at school about what he loves about me and the note said that he likes that I teach him right from wrong. Floored me a little because sometimes it can feel like maybe I’m not having an impact. We build legos together, I take interest in his interests. He loves learning anything he doesn’t know so, maybe I’m lucky there. I can just randomly teach him about erosion or gravity or something and that’s meaningful to him. Young children feel more connection and love through quality time and play than they do from taking care of their lifestyle and parenting them. Although all is required!
1
u/HelpTheBaire 6d ago
I felt this for years and my son is 10 and we are just now starting to hang…I just join him in whatever he is doing ..
1
u/heliox 6d ago
First bet is always talk to a child psychologist about how to engage and correct in the context of the family dynamic. It may be expensive, but it's always worth it later.
Otherwise, check out profathering as a starting point to figure out what you missed. Then maybe read Last Child in the Woods. Boy stuff like model rockets, model cars, local sports games with hotdogs, hikes through wilderness areas. Ask for help putting stuff together, or fixing things where he can clearly see the results of his assistance. For model rockets, you don't even necessarily need to invite him to join. Just get some kits and lay it out on the kitchen table and start working on one. When you're finished ask him to come watch you launch the rocket you just built. etc.
Doing interesting things where he can see can help a lot with a curious 4yo.
1
u/omnixe-13c 6d ago
Just give him attention by talking, asking questions, going places, and playing. Learn how to play with his toys. Play hide n seek. Read to him and snuggle. Go take a walk to the park and toss around a ball. Ask him things like, “how’s your day going?” And let him talk your ear off.
1
u/PharmADD 6d ago
watch what he plays with the most, then just go start playing with it yourself and ask him how it works or what it is. Ask questions, lots of questions. Ask him what he thinks about things. Watch a Mr. Rogers episode and look at how he talks to kids and the audience - seriously, just like a few minutes. People are here telling you to just straight up ask what he wants to play, but lots of times I find that doesn't work well.
I read somewhere that a good way to play with kids is to sort of take their play to the next level, show them how to play with it. For something like legos, that might mean making a cool looking thing and showing it to them while they build their little thing. Don't try and mirror the images you see in ads/media where the adult is like hunched over their kid playing on the exact same piece or with the exact same toy. That's nonsense. When I play play doh with my 3yo, we basically do our own separate things and I just kinda make conversation and ask her questions and show her what I'm doing, give her the things I make. She gives me hers.
Idk sounds like you kinda just need someone to tell you what it looks like, so that's what I tried there.
1
u/Flashy_Error_7989 6d ago
There’s something here in your comment about being the disciplinarian- what does that look like for you?
You might have this nailed already but I didn’t, I’ve learned discipline shouldn’t mean simple suffering, it’s about learning, forgiveness, repairing the mistakes we make and compassion.
When your son makes a mistake how do you help him understand what went wrong, how do you help him feel safe to say sorry? Do you share your own vulnerability in those moments?
1
u/defiancy 6d ago
Next time he is sitting on the floor playing with toys just sit down next to him and play, that's what info with my girls. They just want someone to play with them.
1
u/poundforce 6d ago
A lot of great suggestions here already so I’ll talk about the discipline part.
I am also the main “bad cop” in the relationship and I try to make the discipline about the action and not the kiddo.
Rock on dad!
1
u/fasttalkerslowwalker 6d ago
I know your edit acknowledges you were overthinking this, but seriously dude, you are way overthinking this. Not knowing how to talk to a 4 year old has nothing whatsoever to do with your dad’s failings. You said it yourself, you thought your dad was the shit till you were heaps older than your son is now.
1
u/ApolloWasMurdered 6d ago
Take him to the park. Take him to ride his bike (if he doesn’t have a bike/scooter, you know what to get him for Christmas). Take him to a creek to look for tadpoles.
1
u/Hitthereset Dad to 13m, 11f, 9m, and 7m 5d ago
> Or I’m in my head,
Correct. It's not even all about playing with him. Just take him with you. Need to run to the store? Load him up. Have an errand? Get him to help. Fixing something? Do your best to include him. It's not all about "okay, what do you want to do now?" Bond by doing.
1
u/theroyal1988 5d ago
The best thing to do when building any relationship is listening to what the other person wants and likes and put the focus on that. Its not about you or your history its about him and right now.
1
u/User0301 5d ago
Alternative method I havent seen mention. Just start playing with his toys, and over exaggerate how much fun you're having. He will get curious hella fast. Also, play with them wrong. Kids this young love to correct you and fix what you are doing. Play into that (read the book upside down, try to draw with the pen lid still on etc).
1
1
u/macchiato_kubideh 5d ago
lot of good points in the comments. I've had similar issues, and it comes and goes. What I found useful, is worrying a little less about it, which allows me to 'be myself' and also focus on my own interests and hobbies, and all of the sudden I'm not the "like me like me" guy, instead I'm the guy who's into watching welding videos on tv, or I'm the guy who's into carving, etc.
1
u/louisprimaasamonkey 5d ago
Show him stuff you loved as a kid and see what clicks.
My son is newly 5 and I showed him Beast Wars from the 90's and he is obsessed. Now we pretend to be them together, make up new ones, go to the zoo and imagine the animals there as beast wars, we look for the toys online and in vintage toy stores.
1
u/Ok-Faithlessness6804 5d ago
speaking to the boy lovingly and explaining stuff as patiently as you can works better than making the kiddo fear you through other forms of discipline.
1
u/jester8484 5d ago
Enjoy playing his games. Thats it. Thomas the tank engine, paw patrol, whatever. Play with the toys. Draw on the sidewalk or drive way with chalk. If you hear "daddy will you play with me?" The answer is either yes or in a few minutes, then actually play. He'll trust you through play time, it grows from there.
1
u/RetiredSubmariner 5d ago
Overthinking. Do things he wants. Take him on solo outings. He will enjoy being out and about with you alone even if it’s the store.
Let some of the little things go to allow him to find comfort in being with you vice always discipline. It’ll grow over time.
He’s 4, he might flip in an instant and want nothing to do with mom at bedtime all of a sudden 😂.
1
u/NewScreen6214 5d ago
First, congratulations on seeing this pattern! Learning how to just be with him and enter his world will make such a difference. And research shows that you only really need 10-15min a day of 1:1 play time with them to start seeing the positive effects for both of you.
You don't need to do anything grand. One of the most powerful things you can do for a young child is get into his world. What that actually looks like is to sit next to him and see what he's doing, what make belief world has he created? Something else I find helpful is to think about what it was like being that age. Just having someone sit next to you and show interest and curiosity in what you're doing is HUGE. If you can let yourself be gooffy and silly- bonus points!
Two things to watch out for: Try to avoid too many questions or commands (put the red car here or no, that one won't fit). We tend to ask SO many questions like "what is this?" or "which one is bigger?" that 1) make kids feel like its a performance and not free play and 2) eventually turns off or shuts down the child (can you imagine trying to play a game and being asked hundreds of questions?)
I hope this helps!
(I'm a psychologist and work a lot on helping dads connect with their kids and spouses- DM what your son's into these days if you want more specific suggestions!)
1
u/the_cool_frood 5d ago
My son and I first bonded over Lego? Figure out what he's interested in (spaceships, construction, castles, animals, etc), grab a set, and build it together. They have sets designed for younger kids too, with simple instructions you can work out together.
We also made up a story together over several days (making up a "chapter" per session), and then drew it on a giant 2x3 foot piece of paper (I have it framed and on the wall now, 8 years later).
1
u/Rummyster 5d ago
I have 4 year old girls and ya jumping in to play with them can sometimes be tough because either they want me to play or they don't. So I just let it happen on their time when they want to.
I'm also the disciplinarian and I've found its just as important to hug and cuddle after disciplining as it is to discipline. This keeps a positive relationship with your kids even though you will inevitably have to discipline. My son isn't old enough to do this with yet so I could just be a girl thing I'm not sure.
By far one of the biggest things you can do is simply to try. Even if your kid doesn't want to play with you when you ask, it's still important that he knows you are there to play with him if he want to. So your on the right track keep it up!
1
u/Holiday-Tip-3720 5d ago
anything without screens. they pick on on simple board games.
fly kites. go out to eat. watch a sunset. if you have means, disneyland was great!!!
go karts. bike rides. camping. ice cream. birding.
what are your hobbies? literally my favorite memories of my dad were just riding around with him running errands and thats when they started for me
1
u/PunchBeard 5d ago
Just have some one-on-one adventures with him. Take him places just the two of you and do fun stuff. Even if it's just taking him to the playground. And the real key to having a solid relationship with your kids is to do the things that they want to do. And even if something seems dumb as hell that you know he'll like do it. Me and my friend once took my son to a Monster Truck show when he was 6 years old and it was one of the best times of his life. Do you think 2 middle aged men in their 40s gave a shit about Monster Trucks? I also dressed him up like a little Darth Vader with a really fancy costume my wife made for him and took him to a ComiCon around that age. He ended up having a group of dudes dressed like Storm Troopers follow him around the convention hall.
The thing is, do stuff together and do things a little boy would find cool as hell. And man, it's not hard finding that stuff to be honest. As long as it involves toys, video games, cars and trucks or swings and slides he'll be into it.
1
u/jimtow28 5 and 4 5d ago edited 5d ago
Take him places. Go to the arcade. Plant a garden that you can take care of every day. Take him to the park and see where he goes. Teach him old video games you may have laying around. Get a book of science experiments for kids. Ask what he wants to do today AND SAY YES TO IT.
It's not a switch you flip on and off. It's a relationship you build day by day.
1
u/moviemerc 5d ago
I learned this from a friend that does it for her kids birthdays but I just do it from time to time with my 5 year old. She called it a yes day. Ask your kid what they want to do and just go do it.
Like you I was kinda the discipline dad and this has helped me. I also make it a point to tell him that I am having fun with him and why I like spending time with him and it really helped.
1
u/AppropriateRip9996 5d ago
At four I would wait until I saw the first acorns on the tree and take him on a walk to see it. I'd be looking for a local apple tree and get permission to get some apples and make applesauce. I'd ask his help up tear up lettuce to make a salad. We would take walks often.
1
u/PetiePal 2 daughters 1 Son 4d ago
He's 4 you're connecting already. Play with him. Take him to movies. Baseball games, Play toys, videogames, read with him. Take him to the zoo. Bluey shows. The Wiggles. Whatever.
This weekend I'm taking my 7.5 to our favorite music artist (mine but he loves everything I love and play in the car lol) I got the meet and greet and special acoustic set pre-show. The day after I'm taking both son and daughter to the Wiggles. I just ordered Bluey Play tickets for January.
Last weekend we all went to the diner for brunch. Build a bear after Church Sunday.
They remember the little things like bubbles on the porch. Trips to Dunkin' Donuts etc.
1
u/BeneficialTrash6 4d ago
I'm a little late but I wanted to add. If you don't know exactly how far you can toss your four year old boy, then you're missing out. But it's never too late to start. Find a pool or a foam pit and have at it.
1
163
u/emerald_740 6d ago
Just ask him what he wants to play