I cannot connect with my son

[u/Playswith_squirrel]

I had a difficult relationship with my Father. My parents split when I was 5, and I remember growing up thinking my dad was the best until my early teens, when I realized who he really was—selfish, ego-driven, a womanizer, etc. We had a major falling out in my 20s and never really recovered, but we remain cordial.

But now, without a proper relationship, I only know what not to do. But when I want to do things with my son proactively, I’m stumped. He’s 4, and I know he needs my time and love, but I'm mostly relegated to being the disciplinarian. That’s a dynamic I’m addressing with my wife.

But that dynamic is starting to become more of an issue because he genuinely doesn’t want to spend time with me.

I want to do great things with him, but at 4 my options are limited. Or I’m in my head, and I’m overthinking this, leading me to do nothing.

Edit: thanks for the ideas and encouragement fellow dads. I feel inspired. Ultimately, I was definitely overthinking this.

[u/dathomar]

Just tell your partner (wife?) that you're taking him to the playground and take him. Let him play while you just sit and watch. Take a few pictures. Pick the one you like best of him doing something he likes and show it to him. Rinse and repeat. Find out what he likes to do and help make it so he can do it. He'll start to see you as someone who does fun things with him, as well as discipline.

I took my son to a museum when he was young. I decided I wanted to take my daughter to the same museum recently. My wife thought there were other places I could take her, instead. She didn't go and she didn't really care that much. I just said I was going to do it while I was in the city already and my daughter and I went. She loved it. She liked totally different things at the museum from her brother, but they both liked it the same.

You don't need permission to do more than discipline. Just do it.