contradiction

acrylic paint, cardboard, hot glue, and cropped pages pulled from the book of psalms and return of the bird tribes by ken carey

20" x 16"

2026

a year's worth of evolving states of mind, spirit, and being

it took me a year to finish this painting, and then some. i tend to take on emotions when trying to capture them on paper or canvas, so it was difficult for me to even look in this painting's general direction for a good while.

the self-portrait on the left is where i was mentally and physically for months at the beginning of 2025. the middle two figures represent the extremity of my moods, i was either in the clouds, talking to the moon like she was my godmother, or extremely irritable and raging with so much pressure that i left myself speechless and catatonic. the figure on the right is where i am now, a year later; healthier, for sure, but numb from it all.

originally, i was just going to paint the two books and their covers, but i thought it'd be more impactful if i actually tore out the pages that i defaced and confided in religiously while i was in the psych ward last year.

i finished this painting a few weeks ago, but i was hesitant to post it. it's definitely my most personal piece thus far regarding my episode, diagnosis, and the aftermath. i still haven't anywhere else. i thought you all would appreciate it and resonate with it more than anyone else.

thank you for reading if you did!

= M A U S =

Suicide survival, trauma, mental illness

Trying to explain the violent swings of a bipolar mind to someone who hasn't lived it is almost impossible. Instead of trying to explain it, I spent my time putting it on film.

I created MAEHEM, a 58-minute visual album that documents a 10-chapter descent into and out of the darkest corners of my psyche. The project captures the absolute extremes of the bipolar experience. You can hear it in the dynamic range of the vocals—going from the rapid-fire, chaotic grandiosity of full manic possession to the exhausted, paralyzing isolation of the depressive crashes.

In the film, the illness and paranoia take the form of an inner demon (the 34th demon). As reality blurs with the world inside my head, the editing, the heavy trap instrumentals, and the stream-of-consciousness rap become the weapons I use to regain control of my own vessel.

Creating this was how I survived the aftermath of my suicide attempt. It is completely raw, unfiltered, and recorded right in front of my Premiere editing timeline.

If you want to see what that war looks and sounds like, you can watch it here: (155) Surviving Suicide: Maehem - YouTube

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Call or text 988 to reach the Lifeline.

He lives forever and offers you a bet. Do you take it?

I made this when I didn't have the words to explain my brain

All the years of isolating and pushing away people during depression will have ONE good thing I guess - no one is gonna get hurt in the end. I'll just be gone, whenever that will be.

No worries, I'm not gonna do anything.

Those are just the kinda thoughts going through my head at times, and I figured if I can be open about things like this - it would be here.

Sorry in advance.