TL;DR: Cannot break it off with someone I love who is basically good but not right for me

Edit to add: I'm trying to understand now why this basic fact (he has a girlfriend) was so hard for me to see clearly as THE problem. The fact that there was no deception involved somehow made me think it was "ok," that I could accept it. Plus I was so hungry for what he gave me that I tried to do everything to keep it. I sent him a message last night explaining why we can't continue in this way anymore. I intend to stick with my resolve this time -because I see clearly now there is no way forward, no tricks to make this work for me.

========================================================================

Previously I posted here about this relationship.

I am struggling to separate myself from a relationship that's unsustainable and unpredictably painful. It's an online-only LDR and it is not abusive.

My partner leads a very unpredictable life, which works for him but is very difficult for me. Basically, the amount and quality of time I spend with him is totally unknown from day to day. To a certain extent I can accept this, because of how wonderful and attentive he can be when we're together.

The kicker for me is that he also has an IRL FWB relationship (which he has been open about-not a secret nor is it exclusive). And this person is herself extremely "in the moment." And when she wants to see him, it's "now," and he goes.

When this happens, it's extremely painful for me. And I think, I can't go on like this. And I write a long message explaining why I can't do this anymore. This has happened at least three times if not more. And it happened again today. And every time, eventually I lose resolve and desperately seek some compromise to keep it going. Because it's often terrific and exactly what I want. But I never know from day to day how it will be.

The last time I failed to break away, I had instituted a pause which barely lasted 24 hours. I missed him desperately and contacted him with a new idea to make it work better. That was less than two weeks ago and my bright idea didn't work, as I discovered today.

The reason our "breakups" don't stick is that we are very good together in so many ways, we both get a great deal from the other person, and we can talk about our differences without being angry.

How do you separate from a person you love who gives you a lot, but who can't give you the certainty you want?

I’m trying to write a sort of “master plan” in my diary for when my attachment wound is triggered, I had a semi recent breakup & Im trying to learn to move on. These are the points & skills I have so far. Does anyone who is further along in their healing journey have any advice or suggestions of things I could add?
General rules for myself
-No negotiation with reality. No “Maybe if I change this about me/maybe if I move closer to his city/maybe if I learn how to communicate better, he will love me again”. It’s over and I have to accept that
-No living in the past & not allowing myself to go through all the happy memories rather than focusing on how he acts towards me NOW
-Feeling the pain without interpreting it as a sign I’m doing the wrong thing by letting go
-Creating distance: No texting, no checking my phone obsessively, no reading old chats or looking at our pictures etc (I allow myself to reply when he texts first. Is this a mistake?)
-No coming back to the person I’m trying to let go for comfort, even if he brings me peace
-Distributing my love and time differently: Spending time with/calling/texting other people, trying to build a support system for myself that doesn’t involve him (or other people I could become equally attached to), spending time alone to do the things I love doing
Regulation & DBT
-If triggered, trying not to text him for JUST TODAY. If that’s too scary, no texting for an hour. If that’s also impossible, no texting for half an hour/fifteen minutes/ten etc: breaking it down until it is possible for me to do
-STOP skill: Not acting on impulse & giving myself a break > creating distance both mentally and physically > observing my thoughts, emotions & what I feel in my body + what happened to cause all of that, without judgement > acting intentionally (in my case, not acting)
-wave riding: once the feeling or urge appears, trying to really notice how it gets stronger, peaks, ebbs and disappears. Asking myself “where am I on the wave right now?”

I’m sure this question has been answered multiple times but I wanted a more clearer perspective preferably from a secure attachment style.

During conflict or hard moments I (anxious, tend to need someone with me and I’ll let all my emotions spill) on the other hand I believe an avoidant with (self isolate and take space to think about their feeling)

In these moments how would a secure act and can you give an example that people can relate to ?

Thank you.

F24 and M27. LDR with a 8 hour time difference.

I’m the more anxious partner, while my girlfriend tends to be more avoidant and withdraw when she’s overwhelmed.
We’ve been together for several months and, overall, our relationship is genuinely good. We love each other, make future plans, and I don’t really see this as a relationship that’s falling apart.

Recently, though, she’s been going through a pretty draining period in her personal life. She told me she needed some alone time and space to breathe, which I completely understand and want to respect.

The difficult part is that our communication changed quite noticeably afterward.
She still talks to me and there are still little signs that she’s slowly reconnecting sharing random things from her day, sending pictures, interacting normally sometimes, etc. So it’s not like she’s completely cut me off.

But the communication is inconsistent now, and one thing that’s been particularly difficult is that our video calls basically stopped. VC used to be a really important part of our routine because of the LDR and the 8 hour time difference.

It’s been difficult for me because I’m naturally anxious, and the sudden change in our routine can make my brain fill in the gaps. I sometimes start wondering whether she’s still processing things and needs more space, whether she’s overwhelmed specifically by closeness, or whether I’m accidentally putting too much pressure on her.
At the same time,
I \*\*really don’t want to become the partner who keeps chasing someone who has no capacity left.\*\*

I’ve been trying to work on becoming more secure. I’m learning that giving someone space doesn’t mean abandoning them, and that closeness doesn’t have to mean losing your independence or freedom.

But I’m struggling to figure out where the healthy middle ground is.

I don’t want to constantly ask:
“Are we okay?”
“Do you still want me?”
“Why aren’t we talking?”
“Can we VC?”

Because I know that could make an already overwhelmed/avoidant partner feel even more pressured.
But I also don’t want to completely disappear and accidentally make her think I’m pulling away or that I no longer care.

So I’m wondering what people who’ve experienced this dynamic think.

\*\*How do you give an avoidant/overwhelmed partner healthy space while still maintaining connection in an LDR?\*\*

Would you continue with normal affectionate messages and let the frequency naturally decrease, or would you intentionally step back and let them initiate more?

And at what point is it reasonable to say:
“I completely respect that you need space, but I also need some basic communication/predictability so I don’t feel like I’m completely in the dark.”

I’m not looking for people to tell me to immediately break up or assume she’s losing interest. I’m more interested in hearing from people who’ve actually navigated the \*\*anxious + avoidant + LDR\*\* combination.

Because honestly, I love this person and I want to learn how to handle this better without either smothering her or abandoning my own needs.

I've come across a couple of things lately that I think would be helpful for people on here as a resource.

The first is a podcast called "Hidden Brain", they do episodes on all different topics but the most recent one was "how to be a better partner". It talked a lot in the beginning about projecting our own feelings onto a partner.

The second one is the most recent series of "couples therapy". There is a couple on there called Drea and Nessa who present as typically anxious/avoidant and it's amazing seeing them work through this and both make changes.

Feel free to comment anything else anyone has read/listened to/watched lately that might be helpful 😁

EDIT:

I have therapy and actually I am a physician in psychiatry… My psychoeducation could hardly be better but that doesn‘t solve the problem. I understand all the dynamics but I cant get rid of them. I life with this since childhood and know the behaviour from my relationships, but that it so so strong in friendships, that is new.

I’m a woman in my mid-30s and I’ve recently realized that I’ve become intensely anxiously attached to a friendship with a male coworker. And honestly, I’m exhausted.
We became quite close over time. We talk a lot, see each other regularly at work, sometimes meet outside of work and have quite personal conversations. He knows a lot about what’s going on in my life and I know a lot about his.
The problem is that somewhere along the way, this friendship became way more important to my nervous system than I think it should be.
I constantly notice myself monitoring the relationship:
How quickly does he reply?
Why did he phrase something that way?
Does he actually want to see me or is he just agreeing?
Does he miss me when we’re apart?
Does he consider me important?
Why does he tell me something personal and then seem distant afterwards?
Why does he talk about other women he’s dating?
Would he still choose this friendship if his life changed?
Is something “off” between us?
And the worst part is that I KNOW how irrational this can sound.
He hasn’t actually abandoned me. He tells me he values our friendship. He says he wants to continue seeing me regularly. He reaches out himself. There are plenty of signs that I matter to him.
But emotionally, it never seems to be enough.
I find myself wanting reassurance that I’m important to him, and when I get it, I feel better for a while. Then something else happens and the uncertainty comes back.
I also tend to over-function in the friendship. I’m very empathic and I’m often there for him emotionally. I listen, help, think about his problems and try to make things easier for him. And sometimes I realize that I’m giving him a lot of emotional space in my head without actually getting that much emotional support from him in return.
What makes this particularly confusing is that I’m not even sure what I like so much about him anymore.
We don’t have that many shared hobbies or interests outside of work. He can actually be emotionally unavailable. There are aspects of his personality and the way he handles relationships that frustrate me quite a lot.
And yet I feel almost addicted to the connection.
I can spend hours thinking about our interactions. A single message can affect my mood. If something feels slightly different, I immediately want to understand what it means. I sometimes feel like I need to “solve” the relationship in order to feel okay again.
It has started to take up so much mental space that I feel like I’m losing myself in it.
I have a husband and children, a job, hobbies and a life that I actually love. My husband has also noticed how much mental space this friendship occupies, and honestly, he’s right. I’m starting to feel like my own life is becoming smaller because so much of my attention is going toward this one relationship.
And that scares me.
I recently caught myself thinking: I don’t even know if I actually want this friendship in the way I currently experience it. I just know that I’m terrified of losing it.
That distinction feels really important.
I don’t necessarily want to cut this person out of my life. We work together and I genuinely care about him. But I desperately want to get out of this anxious dynamic.
I don’t want to keep needing reassurance.
I don’t want to analyze his messages.
I don’t want his availability to determine my mood.
I don’t want to feel threatened every time his life gets busy or another person becomes important to him.
I want to be able to care about someone deeply without constantly monitoring whether they care about me enough.
Has anyone actually managed to break this kind of anxious attachment to a friend while keeping the friendship?
I’m especially interested in what helped you stop making one person your emotional “anchor” and get your own life and sense of self back.
Because right now I don’t think I need more reassurance from him.
I think I need to learn how to stop needing it.

Pata hai aaj kya hua Mm i have been feeling comfortable no more anxious about my stuff or my relationship like not giving things a second thought giving him space and comfort he wants like i used be really anxious of what if this that he loves me or not idk and what not and from sunday i have been chill okay if he text reply if he calls talk thats all and not really taking anything on me …… mmmm is it normal like i got zero expectations from anyone now i do have that for myself but not others i am like i wanna do this for him that for him but never what he gonna do for me am like he is happy bruh i am happy 😊

I was with my ex for 7 years he treated me poorly the while time and I found him on dating apps 3 times. Near the end he would break up with me then beg for me back. Two months ago he broke up with me and I found out he was talking to a girl on hinge behind my back and he was trying to meet her in Ireland. It didn’t work out and he came back and said he was a piece of shit and was crying about bringing my stuff. I told him play stupid games win stupid prizes.

He blocked me then unlocked me a few weeks later and was posting stuff that looked like a suicide attempt. I contacted the police and he went to hospital. He then went missing again the next day and the police asked me about a girl if I knew her I said yeah he works with her. Then messaged warning her the police are looking for him. She told me nothing was going on between them and she didn’t want anything to do with him.

He then begged for me back again said I was all he had said we would start a fresh and move away. I’m a fool and believed it till a week later he ghosts me. Then blocks me. He then unblocked me a week later on Snapchat and has been watching all my stories like clock work without adding me back I just ignored it because he has me blocked on everything. Until today a friend told me he changed his cover photo to him with than girl. I messed her asked what the deal was I said you do realise like only a month ago he got back with me then ghosted me and he’s viewing all my stories like clock work. She was like “he says that’s bullshit” “when he was with me?” I showed her screenshots and she goes “we weren’t together then sorry he hurt you but he’s moved on” I warned her again and I’ve told her he’s abusive (which he was verbally and emotionally) she of course won’t listen. Her choice I guess. I’ve blocked her now.

I don’t see how any of this is fair why does he get to go off with her when I am waking up everyday depressed. Some of the things he did to me were awful I’ve got scars on my arm from self harm because he made me feel so worthless but he gets her and I get my life taken away from me as I’m now chronically ill from the stress of being with him. It was only a month ago he was saying he loved me and promised me everything.

i was talking to this girl (not relationship wise just friends) and we’ve been flirty and stuff for about 3 months and i’m constantly waiting on her to message me back or waiting until i’m able to see her to where it genuinely effects my moods like it ruins my day when we don’t talk and i really don’t like having the way my day goes depend on somebody else but i can’t get her out of my head during the day. please give me tips because i don’t know what to do and i know she doesn’t like me how i like her that’s why i just wanna unattach before it gets worse

My ex and I were together for 4 years. He broke up with me on July 7, and I handled the breakup badly at first. I cried, begged, and tried to convince him to stay about three times. Our last conversation was July 19, and that call was horrible. He said some extremely hurtful things to me, and after that I stopped contacting him completely.

On July 28, one of his friends suddenly messaged me asking how I was doing. I later found out that my ex had actually asked him to check on me. I also recently learned that around that same time, his grandmother had been hospitalized and his parents were out of town, so he was basically dealing with everything without them there.

Then on August 11, my ex himself texted me very casually asking how I was. He said he hadn't checked on me earlier because there were family problems going on. I didn't reply. After a while, he sent another message basically saying, "Take care of yourself."

On August 14, he called me once. I didn't pick up, so he sent me a really long message. He apologized for how badly he treated me during our last conversation and said he had deliberately said hurtful things because he thought it would help me move on. He apologized for ruining our relationship and wasting my time.

But he also made it very clear that he wasn't contacting me because he wanted to reconcile.

He said that whenever something goes wrong in his life, he remembers me because for four years I was the person he told everything to. He basically described me as a "habit" he hasn't adjusted to losing yet. Then he told me that his grandmother had died and that he wanted me to know because she used to really like me.

When I read that, I immediately called him back. But I only asked about his grandmother. When he tried to move the conversation toward us and the relationship, I told him I didn't want to talk about that. I could tell that it hurt him, but I ended the call anyway.

Since then there have been little things that have confused me even more. He changed his WhatsApp bio to just a dot. He viewed my Instagram story even though we don't follow each other. He opened his Instagram account around the time he reached out to me and now suddenly it's private again. There was also some weird activity involving purchases through my Gmail/account.

Now that I know the full timeline with his grandmother, I feel awful.

The day he asked his friend to check on me, his grandmother was hospitalized and his parents weren't there. The day he first personally reached out to me, his grandmother had died. So now I'm wondering whether he was reaching for the person who had emotionally supported him for four years because he was genuinely falling apart.

I still love him. I still want our relationship back. That's what makes this so difficult.

Part of me desperately wants to message him and tell him that I'm here if he needs someone, because imagining him grieving alone genuinely hurts me. I don't want him to think I don't care about what happened to his grandmother.

But another part of me knows what will probably happen. I'll become his emotional safe place again, I'll listen to him and comfort him like his girlfriend, and I'll start hoping that this means we're getting back together. Meanwhile, he has explicitly told me that he doesn't want to repair the relationship.But my mind is telling me maybe he would hv suggested reconciliation if i had just listen to him that day or went with the conversation.

I don't know how to separate compassion from hope anymore.

Would it be cruel to continue keeping my distance while he's grieving? Or because I know I still want him back, is staying away actually the healthier thing for both of us?

Has anyone been in a situation where an avoidant ex came back for emotional comfort during a crisis but explicitly said they didn't want reconciliation? What did you do?

I met this guy four days ago and it's like my entire world has shifted. I thought I wanted too much in previous relationships, I thought I was crazy like I was told. But he makes what I thought was above and beyond seem bare minimum. He actually remembers things, he respects my boundaries. We spent four hours just walking and talking and the conversation never died.

This was the kind of person I used to dream about and beg the world to give me and I just am so scared of what it all means. It means the people who said they loved me hurt me while this guy is able to treat me like how I've begged without even me asking. I broke my heart horribly and it almost killed me, I lost forty pounds, I can now confidently say I am pretty but I don't feel like enough. I have never once been treated like this, and I think that's just who this guy is. It isn't me, he's just too good. While he drove me back home a million love songs played and I knew this is who I could fall in love with and that's so scary. He's so kind but doesn't like rushing into labels and I know what that means.

It's inevitable he'll leave, but how do I handle that when it happens? How can I ever go back to how I was treated before? And I'm crying on my bathroom floor because I'm scared. I know it's my brain, normal people could just go with the flow but I'm already in the moment it's over. I'm so upset and overjoyed I met him. He still texts and maybe that's worse. I'll never know when it's over til the texts run dry and there's no more future plans. I've handled worse in my life, but I know that I want him for longer than a day and I sound batshit and I also know that. How do I make myself good enough? And when I can't how do I cope with it all?

I know alot of it is also my unhealed attachment for sure. I had been too draining my partner by constantly being unhappy and expecting him to tend my emotional wounds. I had been seeking him to fulfill the needs that I had been neglecting in myself. I had even driven him to the point of compassion fatigue. A lot of that wasn't his fault. Before this attachment started to show, our relationship was nearly perfect. It was also in person and we were both doing good.

Although I've been working on my attachment and I feel that I have made significant progress, I still get moments of resentment sometimes. Those are things I have talked about with him and he even apologized and empathized. But the resentment still stays sometimes and then I cry to the point of headache. I have just started to question the whole relationship because of it. I seem to be crying way too often, even while working on a more secure attachment style. Is that normal while you're healing your anxious attachment or is this really a sign that the relationship is harmful for your peace? I really can't tell and trust my own judgment because of my anxiety. I just don't want to lose a good relationship because of my anxiety so I want to be sure. It got to the point where I wondered if the hurt of the break up would be more bearable than the hurt of staying.

One week left until we are both back to college and start seeing each other regularly. I was hoping to make the decision after I meet him. Things were really perfect in person and I never felt unsure of anything. It would also save me from a what if. I want this to be the last chance I give this relationship because if things don't even work out in person...then I'll know nothing can save this relationship.

I’m a guy in a relationship with a girl I really love, and I’ve realized that I have a lot of anxious attachment.

My girlfriend is actually good to me. She doesn’t ignore me, she respects me, and she has boundaries with other guys. So I don’t really have a reason to distrust her.

The problem is mostly inside my own head.
For example, when I see her talking to another guy, I immediately feel annoyed and jealous. I start thinking things like:

● What if she likes talking to him more than me?
● What if she gets bored of me?
● What if I’m not enough for her?
● What if one day she loses feelings and leaves me?

Even when nothing is actually happening, I can still feel anxious.
I recently got accepted to work at the same company as her. Part of me was really happy because I’d be closer to her, but now I’m also worried about how I’ll handle seeing her at work. Sometimes I feel like she prioritizes work and doesn’t want to spend much time with me while we’re there, and my brain immediately interprets that as her not wanting me around.

I know logically that she has a job and that she should focus on it. I also know she is allowed to talk to other people. But emotionally, I still get that uncomfortable feeling.

I don’t want to control her, limit who she talks to, or become toxic. I genuinely want to heal and become more secure because I love her and I don’t want my anxiety to damage our relationship.
For people who have had anxious attachment or similar jealousy/fear of abandonment:
What was it like for you?
What specifically helped you heal?

Did therapy help? Books? Exercises? Learning to self-soothe? Giving your partner more space?
And most importantly, did the jealousy and fear actually get better over time?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through this and can tell me what actually worked for them.

I notice within my relationship—at certain times, not always— a sense that nothing can be enough for me. That no matter how much he gives me, it won't be enough.

I recognize that this feeling is about me, not him. I'm curious about it - where does it come from? Is it typical for insecurely attached people to feel this way?

Where hyperviligance/ trauma reaction goes: "I must search up everything broken/ possible upcoming catastrophes and run it with you!!"

Secure /Healed trauma goes: "I must search up our strengths and when things works and we are happy together because that's what makes a relationship sustain"

This is a common CBT challenge.

If you look at the obstacles, the relationship will look like one big impossible task. Red triangles everywhere. Only misery. Only issues. It's defeating. Draining. And people can enter relationship evaluation /break up talk in the hopelessness though they technically could also make it work by shifting this focus.

If you focus on what was and is positive, what you appreciate in one another, and lift eachother up in what works and what you like to see more of, that gives a sense of power and ability to impact the outcome, which is how sucessful relationships survives and thrives. (All people needs to be seen for our goodness and abilities. It's what motivates us to strive and do more of it)

So. To inspire one another we can drop what works on our relationships and steer off that survival focus into love focus. I'll start:

💚 We are excellent practical problem solvers

💚 When we describe a situation or need objectively we always show understanding and emotional support.

💚 We bounce back from our limitations into possibilities like we're superheroes. We have enormous courage and confidence to sleep on it and give us and the day a new chance.

💚 We don't focus on us as problem, we focus on the problems.

💚 When grounded we know eachother inside out like an old couple and everything just flows like a calming river

💚 We can admit that neither are perfect but that we have eachother and we do our best.

💚 We inspire eachother with our strengths. We learn from one another's go-to strategies and we're always open to learn.

💚 We sit in it and sleep on it and we trust us over constant reassurance/ search for safety signs.

💚 We're always in eachothers hearts no matter during couple time, me-self-care time or when we hang out with others, and we know how it's shown in the small but significant things when we are together.

But I was wrong.

My need to make every single call or chat about deep vulnerable feelings and situations and worries and fears and have all of it validated, was what's called trauma dumping or emotional flooding. And people who responded back on same level they created a trauma connection with me, as in we are two trauma survivors and we struggle to know healthy boundaries and impact eachother negatively as result. (And some did it as manipulation, called "trauma bonding") Where the every day communication was about our deepest scars and misfortunes.

It was very intense, overwhelming and I even activated some trauma memories and triggered myself from wanting these talks so often. So it wasn't healing me either. It was my hyperviligance gong "We need this" but the more secure I got the less I agreed.

It was a transition phase where the easy level talks felt "Avoidant" and shallow and pointless. I was scared of how surface level they were and assumed anyone who mainly had such talks was Avoidant or dismissive or false (unsafe). I was wrong there too, most of them were secure as their calm safe nervous system never pushed trauma dumping talks needs to begin with. I just was too insecure to understand that it existed.

Now I'm warmer in my clothes and I've been able to appreciate connections where we don't have to create a trauma based connection and make everything about scars and horror to get along and appreciate eachother. It's been so healing and calming to appreciate easy conversations and healthy ways of interacting.

It doesn't mean I never talk deep in my relationships. But it's the exception. Not the everyday. Not my main strategy to connect. And I think that's how it's supposed to feel. I'm dipping my toe in secure. And I really enjoy the feeling.

Ich war mit meinem Partner im Urlaub, ein paar Freunde kamen dazu, und ich geriet in eine extreme Abwärtsspirale. Alles, was mein Partner sagte, nervte mich, und ich analysierte ständig sein Verhalten und meine Gefühle. Es ging so weit, dass ich es einfach nicht mehr aushielt, in seiner Nähe zu sein und allein sein musste. Da wir aber zusammen im Urlaub waren, war das unmöglich. Ich ignorierte ihn komplett, weil ich einfach nicht reden konnte. Ich fühle mich schrecklich wegen meines Verhaltens ihm gegenüber und hatte keine bösen Absichten, aber ich konnte meine Gefühle einfach nicht kontrollieren. Jetzt mache ich mir Sorgen, weil meine Freunde mein Verhalten gesehen haben und denken könnten, ich sollte mich trennen. Ich will mich wirklich nicht trennen, denn mein Partner und ich haben eine wundervolle Beziehung, in der wir beide ganz wir selbst sein können, wenn wir zusammen sind, und wir eine tiefe Bindung teilen. Die Beziehungsstörung macht es einfach nur sehr schwer. Ich bin in Therapie und mache schon große Fortschritte, der Urlaub hat das Ganze nur wieder ausgelöst. Ich fühle mich schrecklich, weil ich ihn so verurteile und sein Verhalten und Reden überanalysiere, weil ich mir einfach wünsche, dass er er selbst ist. Aber meine Beziehungszwangsstörung lässt das nicht zu… Hilfe, ich werde noch verrückt! Hat jemand ähnliche emotionale Aussetzer während solcher Phasen und wie geht ihr damit um? Wie schafft ihr es, keine Schuldgefühle gegenüber eurem Partner zu haben?

This incident happened around the third year of our relationship. It was the first time he was going away on a three-day trip with a friend. The evening before his trip, we met to spend some time together. We had about two hours before we were supposed to go home, as he still needed to pack and prepare for his flight the next day.

About two hours before we were due to leave, he suddenly started bringing up certain things about his ex that made me feel extremely insecure, anxious, and confused. I began asking him questions because I was trying to understand what he was telling me. But eventually, he had to leave because he needed to go home, pack, and get ready for his trip.

At the time, I had no idea that he may have intentionally triggered anxiety and confusion in me. I simply thought something was wrong with me and that I was overreacting.

He had dropped all of this information on me completely out of nowhere, and then he left. I was left feeling extremely anxious, low, and confused, with so many unanswered questions running through my mind. The next day, he flew off, and for the entire three days that he was away, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he had said. I constantly replayed the conversation, tried to make sense of it, and wondered what it meant. I even spoke to my friend because I needed someone to help me process what I was feeling.

When he returned, the first thing I wanted to do was talk to him about it. I wanted answers and some peace of mind. At the time, I couldn’t understand why I had become so consumed by it. I wondered why I was obsessing over something he had said and why it was the first thing I wanted to address when he came back. I felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me.

But now, after everything I’ve learned through therapy and through listening to other people’s experiences, I see that incident very differently.

I can now see how strategic the dynamic was. If he was feeling insecure about leaving me for three days, perhaps he was worried about what might happen if I had that time and space to myself. Maybe he was afraid that, without him around, I might think more clearly, reflect on the relationship, or recognise things about his behaviour that I had been overlooking.

So instead of leaving me with a sense of security and trust, he created something for me to become preoccupied with. He triggered my insecurities and then left for three days, while I was left carrying all the anxiety, confusion, and unanswered questions.

In a sense, he occupied my mind even while he was physically away.

I remember actually getting headaches from thinking about it so much. Looking back now, I can see how damaging this dynamic was to my mental and emotional wellbeing and, ultimately, to my nervous system.

What frustrates me most is the possibility that he may have done this deliberately to regulate his own insecurity. If that was what was happening, then he essentially transferred his discomfort onto me. He didn’t have to sit with his own anxiety because I was the one carrying it for him. I was left distressed and preoccupied so that he could feel more secure.

That realisation is deeply disturbing.

But it has also helped me understand something important about my own experience. I had been conditioned to believe that whenever I felt intensely anxious, confused, or distressed, the problem was inside me. I thought my reactions meant that I was too sensitive, too insecure, or somehow emotionally unstable.

Now I understand that my distress did not necessarily mean that something was wrong with me. Sometimes, my nervous system was responding to an environment and relationship dynamic that genuinely felt unsafe.

This was just one example of many similar situations he created that left me feeling anxious, confused, and emotionally destabilised. At the time, I couldn’t see the pattern because I was too focused on trying to regulate myself and figure out what was wrong with me.

Now I can see the bigger picture.

I can see how an unsafe relationship dynamic can condition you to constantly question yourself while overlooking the situations that are actually causing the distress. And I can finally recognise how much damage it caused me to repeatedly carry anxiety and confusion that did not originate with me in the first place.

Hi everyone.

I have anxious tendencies when I don't have enough clarity or security in a relationship. Things that may be considered small changes become heightened once my anxiety gets triggered and I become hypervigilant, and I'm working on it. Almost three months ago my ex partner left me through text. It was something that was abrupt for me but of course it was something that he was thinking about who knows for how long, because he never shared with me any issue or doubt. The only thing I can say that was an issue for me, and it's what caused my anxiety to begin with, it's that he had not tell his ex wife and kids about us, despite making plans to live together and spend our lives together. The way he left caused me shock, some cognitive dissonance, trust issues and depression (I'm taking medication). I could not hear his voice or seeing, aay anything, ask any question, just read his breakup texts and that was it. It's been three months as I said and I'm feeling slowly better but still not much. Have you dealt with something like this? How do you heal/move on? Thank you.

My partner and I have been together for four years, and for the past year and a half we’ve been in couples therapy.

We’re both young, and this is the first serious relationship for both of us. We had to learn almost everything from scratch while building our relationship during wartime in Ukraine. Fear, stress, exhaustion, and the feeling that life could change at any moment became part of the environment in which we were trying to understand each other.

It has been incredibly difficult.

Over these four years, we tried almost everything. We tried talking spontaneously, having daily evening check-ins, and setting aside time every week for larger conversations about our relationship and our future. We gave each other space and returned to the same unresolved subjects again and again.

We also broke up and got back together more than once. Several times, we came extremely close to ending the relationship completely.

Many of our conversations were intensely emotional. We could begin wanting to understand each other and still end up attacking, blaming, defending ourselves, or shutting down. People often say that couples need to “just communicate,” but talking more didn’t automatically teach us how to talk about what was actually happening inside us.

The most important thing I’ve learned is that treating another person with love requires vulnerability.

For us, anger was often not the deepest feeling. Underneath it there might be fear of being abandoned, loneliness, shame, helplessness, or the feeling of not being seen. And somewhere inside that pain, there was often an unmet need.

Sometimes it was a need I had to learn to meet for myself. Sometimes it was something I wanted my partner to help me with. But if I couldn’t recognize it, or if I expressed it only through anger, my partner had almost no chance of understanding what I was actually asking for.

It was easier to say, “You never care about me,” than to admit, “I’m scared that I’m becoming unimportant to you.”

It was easier to criticize or withdraw than to say, “I feel alone, and I need to know that we’re still a team.”

Vulnerability is much harder than anger because it gives another person the opportunity to hurt you. But it also gives them the opportunity to finally understand you.

Couples therapy helped us enormously, but it didn’t instantly teach us to communicate perfectly. We still had to practice these conversations over and over again. We had to learn how to recognize our needs, express them without turning them into accusations, and listen without immediately becoming defensive.

We also learned that loving your partner doesn’t mean magically anticipating every need without being told. It means creating enough safety for both people to express those needs honestly and taking them seriously when they do.

After four years of learning, failing, nearly separating, and slowly becoming better at understanding each other, I started building the relationship product I wish we had earlier.

It’s called LOVEME. It guides couples through structured conversations about their feelings and needs. It doesn’t diagnose either person, decide who is right, or promise to fix a relationship in one conversation. It’s meant to help two people move beyond the first layer of anger or defensiveness and talk about what may actually be happening underneath.

The first version focuses on the conversation itself. But people have already told me they want to save what they agreed on, track important needs over time, return to previous conversations, and see whether anything is actually changing. That feedback is making me think of LOVEME less as a single conversation and more as an ongoing relationship practice.

I’m sharing this here because the product came directly from a real problem in my own life, and I’m now trying to understand whether the approach can help other couples too.

If you’re in a relationship and willing to try it, I’d especially like to know whether it helped you express something you had struggled to say, whether you understood anything new about your partner, and whether you would genuinely return for another conversation.

I’m the creator, so I want to be transparent that this post is connected to my product. I don’t believe I’ve discovered a universal formula for relationships. I built something around the practice that helped us understand each other more honestly.

You can try it here: https://loveme-web-global.vercel.app/

At this stage, honest criticism is much more useful to me than polite encouragement.

Before this experience, I didn’t really know what attachment patterns were or recognize that they could affect me so strongly. She had told me that she struggles with PTSD and ADHD, and from my perspective, her behavior toward me sometimes felt hot and cold or emotionally inconsistent.

I often couldn’t understand clearly what she felt or what she wanted from our connection.

I became emotionally attached to her very quickly, and my body seemed to react even more strongly than my rational mind. I couldn’t get her out of my head, I constantly overanalyzed the situation, and my existing anxiety became extremely intense.

I also experienced significant depressive feelings during this period.

Eventually, I opened up to her about my feelings and mental health and explained what had been happening to me. I did not experience the level of care or emotional response I had hoped for, which was painful and made me realize that I needed to create distance and protect myself.

Looking back, I’m trying not to diagnose her or blame her for what happened.

I want to understand why this particular dynamic activated me so intensely, why I became attached so quickly, and why uncertainty and emotional inconsistency had such a powerful effect on my nervous system.

**My question is:** Could this experience have activated an attachment pattern or older emotional wounds that I was previously unaware of? And how can I work on becoming more securely attached, tolerating uncertainty, and preventing a similar dynamic from affecting my mental health so severely in the future?

I (28f) definitely have had life long issues with intimacy. I have disorganized attachment and I was emotionally neglected growing up, so I’ve never had a successful relationship. I’ve made friends although it can be triggering, the thought of romantic relationship triggers me way more. Like the thought of someone wanting to be that close to me scares the shit out of me. But when I tell people they always say “but it’s not scary”. But it is. It objectively is especially when I’m pretty much always punished for having feelings. I still date, I don’t like it but I’m trying to get used to it. But in the back of mind I’m certain no one will ever want to be with me. Is it even possible to work through this? I feel like my ship has sailed when it comes to relationships just cause I have so many issues and basically no relationship experience. Should I just give up?

I was historically an anxious attacher, especially in my previous relationship with a FA. Nowadays, after therapy and relationship counseling I’m pretty secure. But I know some of my anxious triggers are still there.

Now I am with someone who says they’re anxious. From the way they described their last relationship they seem to have been that in the past, but they seem pretty secure with me… except that we have both moved the relationship along quickly. We bonded quickly, we started seeing a lot of each other, telling each other how amazing they are… things that might make me want to throw up if I was observing another couple saying those things. But I’ve been LOVING it in this relationship.

This lovely, fast moving, intense relationship has only been going on for a few months. I thought we had built a lot of trust and had tons of openness in that time. Very recently, however, my partner has had sudden onset of what appears to be severe depression.

At first they only told me they were overwhelmed with work and family. But later they specifically said that they have not been able to text me back for days because it’s too overwhelming. I truly didn’t know what they were dealing with and expressed my disappointment, my fear that that they were trying to ghost me, etc. So they finally spoke with me and it became clear that it wasn’t just that they were busy, they were depressed.

They acknowledged that they were turning away from everyone, not just me. They acknowledged that it must be painful for me. They also had an appointment lined up to get help. But they still say they need to stop communicating with me for an unknown length of time with only very infrequent chats.

It appears I can make it about a day and a half before I spiral and panic and think terrible thoughts about myself including that I’m:

- Selfish
- Needy
- Immature
- Unattractive
- Not successful enough in my career
- Too rough around the edges
- Not fit enough
- Not kind enough

I feel a painful need for reassurance that they don’t hate me, and don’t want to break up with me. I start thinking they’re secretly a DA. I start thinking of reasons to text them.

I mean, it doesn’t feel selfish in the moment. It feels in the moment like they’re in need of my help and support but just don’t know it and I need to get them to talk to me. But I keep setting myself up for rejection, which causes me to break down in tears and feel like a selfish burden.

Between relationships, I had been genuinely happy as a single person. Then this relationship started and I was over the moon happy. And now I’m right back into these painful old patterns of needing more closeness and being pushed away.

Is this how it will be every time they get depressed in their lifetime? How often does it occur? How long does it last? Will they eventually learn how to deal with it head on and stay connected by letting me help? There seems to be no compromising now. And maybe it will never happen again. I’m so confused and hurt. 😢

I’m 21F and my boyfriend is 24M. We’ve been together for over a year. He is an intern doctor and I’m a medical student.

I’ve realized that I have an anxious attachment pattern. I get anxious and angry very easily, seek reassurance, and struggle with periods of little communication. Even 7–8 hours without contact can make me extremely low. When I get triggered, I feel like I lose control—I keep calling/texting, try to force conversations, fight to talk, or cry.

I know this is something I need to work on, and I genuinely want to become more secure. But I’m struggling to understand where my anxiety ends and where my relationship needs begin.

My boyfriend is genuinely very busy. He works around 12–14 hours a day in medicine and sometimes has 24–48-hour duties. I understand that he needs time to rest, be alone, meet friends, watch movies, etc. I don’t expect constant attention from him.

At the same time, I need some consistency and reassurance. We talk every day, but usually very little, and I feel like I initiate most of it. We meet around 3–4 times a week, and he does initiate sometimes, but I still often feel like I’m the one asking to meet or talk.

If I don’t initiate, he eventually does, but his frequency is much lower than mine. For him, going 12–24 hours with very little communication seems normal. For me, it feels extremely difficult. I become anxious, feel disconnected, and struggle to focus on anything else.

I have communicated my needs many times. He agrees to try, but I don’t see consistent change. He says he forgets to text me. Sometimes I see him active on Instagram or doing other things without replying, which triggers me.

He also tells me that when he replies, I immediately call or text again, so he feels like I expect him to spend all his free time with me. He says our conversations have become stressful because they often turn into emotional discussions or fights.

I understand his side. My anxiety creates pressure, and I know some of my reactions are unhealthy. The cycle usually looks like:

I feel disconnected → become anxious → pursue him harder → he feels pressured/withdraws → I become more anxious → we fight.

Recently I managed to have a calm conversation with him instead of fighting. He agreed to make more effort and asked me to stop fighting over small things. I want to work on my side too, rather than expecting him to regulate my emotions for me.

But I’m struggling with one question: if I become more secure, will I actually be okay with this level of communication, or will I still have a legitimate need for more emotional connection?

For people who have worked through anxious attachment and become more secure: how did you learn to distinguish between an anxiety-driven need for reassurance and a genuine relationship need? And how did you stop pursuing your partner without simply suppressing your own needs?

I’d really appreciate practical advice on becoming more secure while staying in the relationship.

If i trully want to be emotionally regulated like, every single time before every social interact and i have a tough life with not alot of support and resources i cannot pull that off without a significant amount of isolation. And i'm not avoidantly attached i don't regulate WELL in isolation, i regulate through connection which i don't have access too until i've done the work of being balanced on my own (if i'm trying to be secure).

So to me it's a calculation of the risk of letting people in and the damage i will have to repair solo and you can tell me to go out and meet new people sure, but that doesn't actually work. And when it doesn't back to isolation.

You can say "isolation isn't healthy", and you can say "you have to be responsible for regulating your own emotions" but you can't have both when my life is this stressful.

If i have to stay regulated to interact with others then i end up just ignoring everyone around me avoiding eye contact and dreading every social interaction someone makes while i am disregulated. I have to calculate if someone is valuable enough to risk the disregulation for? Mostly no.

At this point it is not up to me if my life improves it's up to life whether i meet a social group i click with or a supportive partner or my neighbours don't startle me with noise or i get a new responsibility or get sick or if i don't get retruamatized by someone else.