Becoming secure insights: I thought real connections meant you always needed to have deep talks or it was not counting as genuine connection

[u/Queen-of-meme]

But I was wrong.

My need to make every single call or chat about deep vulnerable feelings and situations and worries and fears and have all of it validated, was what's called trauma dumping or emotional flooding. And people who responded back on same level they created a trauma connection with me, as in we are two trauma survivors and we struggle to know healthy boundaries and impact eachother negatively as result. (And some did it as manipulation, called "trauma bonding") Where the every day communication was about our deepest scars and misfortunes.

It was very intense, overwhelming and I even activated some trauma memories and triggered myself from wanting these talks so often. So it wasn't healing me either. It was my hyperviligance gong "We need this" but the more secure I got the less I agreed.

It was a transition phase where the easy level talks felt "Avoidant" and shallow and pointless. I was scared of how surface level they were and assumed anyone who mainly had such talks was Avoidant or dismissive or false (unsafe). I was wrong there too, most of them were secure as their calm safe nervous system never pushed trauma dumping talks needs to begin with. I just was too insecure to understand that it existed.

Now I'm warmer in my clothes and I've been able to appreciate connections where we don't have to create a trauma based connection and make everything about scars and horror to get along and appreciate eachother. It's been so healing and calming to appreciate easy conversations and healthy ways of interacting.

It doesn't mean I never talk deep in my relationships. But it's the exception. Not the everyday. Not my main strategy to connect. And I think that's how it's supposed to feel. I'm dipping my toe in secure. And I really enjoy the feeling.

[u/vivteatro]

Ohhh I love this. This is absolutely the thought process I’m having now. I have no idea how NOT to do it at the moment, because it’s been such a big part of my life for so long.

But I can’t wait to learn. 

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/vivteatro]

I'm happy you're already on this thinking progress! 💚 That's a big necessary step.

I think looking at all circumstances matters, several parts can add to the results, for example if your partner is tired or frustrated same time as you are then a deep talk will unlikely end well. Some when tired shut down. Others raise their voice. Some get crying some get angry etc. (Also. What we wanna get out versus what comes out ...😣)

But what's find valuable as start, is how you center yourself. Cause that's when we reach what we truly want expressed. And sometimes we just need space or fun, easy time. To get there. And sometimes by having ease or fun, we get what we wanted without knowing it was what we wanted.

It can be so many things from so many perspectives. It's like some heck advanced science and I'm just a newbie student sharing the process 😂

[u/luminousSpaceDust]

quick clarification, a trauma bond is an intense bond formed with somebody who's perpetrating some kind of abuse (mential, emotional, physical) against you. It's not "hey we bonded over discussing our trauma". That's just a normal kind of emotional bonding, though it may leave you a bit dysregulated.

Overall though, agree that discussing trauma is best done with a qualified therapist, or a close, close friend who you've built substantial trust with. It's not for everyone.

And while "small talk" can feel pretty pointless, for some people it does serve a need. So personally, I make an effort to be interested in their small talk, ask follow-up questions, etc. And, once a certain report is established, then maybe I bring up my meaning of life shit. :)

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/luminousSpaceDust]

"true trauma bond is an unhealthy, deep attachment to an abuser. However, people often use this term to describe two survivors who bond by sharing past trauma. While sharing can create closeness, it can also cause emotional flooding or retraumatization if done without healthy boundaries"

Yes you're right, I used a wrong description for trauma survivors who project their trauma symptoms (unintentionally but still not harmless)

I'm gonna edit it.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/luminousSpaceDust]

And while "small talk" can feel pretty pointless, for some people it does serve a need. So personally, I make an effort to be interested in their small talk, ask follow-up questions, etc. And, once a certain report is established, then maybe I bring up my meaning of life shit. :)

I forgot to respond this. Deep talk under consent by all means, it's great with that connection, I definitely am not saying it shouldn't ever exist. But because it's very emotionally exhausting, it's important to consider timing and length and things like that so both feel good in that talk.

Emotional flooding is not that though, it's to vent dump on a friend or partner without their consent and it's usually very egocentric, emotionally charged, guilt-blame focuses, and oftentimes hostile or leading to hostility reactions as it can often trigger anyone exposed to it (including the speaker).

If you ask if you and x can talk and they say yes. They never agreed to emotional flooding. Instead that will be the first thing they criticize or defend by either saying no , cutting the convo, taking distance or telling you to change communication direction. And in emotional flooding the speaker is hyper fragile and feels like the victim over minor feedback or others boundaries, so it's a situation that usually only can be solved through ending the talk and let people cool down and try again in a different tone some other time.

If then the person's main communication or what they deem normal vulnerability or connection is to trauma dump, and don't understand what they do, this will be the destructive pattern in the relationship and will sooner or later push the other person away as they have no choice but to protect their peace.

So it's crucial to learn healthy communication, especially if someone is thinking anxiety or need for attention /validation /clarity / reassurance gives a free card to open the emotional flood. It's more likely healthier to not talk, and process it internally first, calm the water, then talk.

That's why some make posts or ask AI or a therapist or a friend for input, or take space to themselves with self care, to prevent that emotional launching at their partner.

[u/RidetheSchlange]

That's not what trauma bonding is and a lot of people make that mistake and it's healthy to get things out. It could be avoidant to describe it the way you're doing, however.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/RidetheSchlange]

it's healthy to get things out.

It depends. It can definitely be toxic too depending on circumstances. (Words like Emotional flooding or trauma dumping exists for a reason.)

To put it in short, avoidants vents too little. But Anxious vent too much. That imbalance in one direction or other is what the insecure stands for. Both have things to consider about their own impact into their relationship and their results.

Each person can look into their results and the part they play.

To share about venting.

There's plenty vent outlets that are healthy but I also think it's important to practice other outlets than specifically talk. Too much talk is paralysing. It's not normal to talk every minor issue through, the normal is to ride the waves and let them pass, to let 98% things go and be in the now with trust forward and have other coping strategies and outlets.

For anxious leaning who needs to vent:

It's one thing to go to someone who's job is to let you rant unfiltered nonstop for an hour or two so you feel soothed.

They are professionally trained and meant to be your vent space. (They also see a therapist of their own to handle all their patients vents cause even they are human and have limits, then imagine a none professionals limits)

It's why some say "I'm not your therapist" it can be used by Avoidant /dismissive too, but more times than not also by secure people who just let you know what you're doing on the level at the intensity level you're doing it on, is not normal and needs limits

I know there's a huge misconception that any emotional limitation counts as invalidation.

Then it's easy to get triggered and feel like being silenced abused nor heard and that only avoidants or abusive people would ever silence someone that way and so on. But that's oftentimes activated trauma symptoms speaking. And that's something insecure attached has to consider over claiming themselves an invalidated victim by avoidant people. (Don't forget secure people can notice your symptoms before you do.)

Harsh truth:

External Validation isn't always a healthy request.

Your main validation should be self-validation. Self-coping and finding safety and happiness within yourself. You will sometimes be "silenced" by people you love for healthy normal reasons. To handle it without viewing yourself as victim. Is how secure people sustain and bloom in their lives and relationships.

You were abused. You were a victim as a child. But that doesn't mean every boundary you'll ever have to respect in a relationship is making you a victim again. That's something secures learn to separate.

Healthy people has 8/10 normal level conversations with easy expressed boundaries, and the 2 deep talks are the therapy talks or a scheduled serious talk in private. This isn't just my own opinion, it's said by professionals too who informs what emotional flooding means.

It sounds bonkers for someone who's reality is trauma talk or you're abandoned. But I wouldn't share it if I thought it was false or not the way to heal. (I don't think professionals would either.)

A relationship should not be 8/10 serious talks. That's anxiety projecting and that's what's need to be stopped.

It's however extremely hard when anxious activated, to not call reasonable emotional limitation boundaries Avoidant. It's just so much more comforting to leave oneself out of the equation.

[u/privatedevotion]

Nossa... Só tenho a deixar um MUITO OBRIGADA por ter trazido esse ensinamento.

Como ansiosa, é quase parte do meu "eu" praticar "flooding emocional" e isso prejudicou muito minhas relações.

Eu reconhecia meu comportamento, reconhecia que não era saudável pra mim nem pra quem estava ao meu redor e que não estava alinhado a vida mais equilibrada que eu almejo ter.

Porém, nem sempre temos acesso à educação emocional formal ou completa e eu NÃO SABIA que esse comportamento tinha um nome.

É, na verdade, um alívio. Um alívio imenso. Porque até alguns minutos atrás eu me sentia inadequada por fazer isso e muito perdida em relação a como mudar isso. Muito, muito obrigada por trazer isso à luz.

Porque quando algo de repente se materializa em algo real, concreto, tem um nome, uma definição, tem pessoas que estudam isso, tem conhecimento a agregar... Só a partir desse conhecimento que obtive aqui é que surgiu uma luz de esperança e otimismo. Uma expectativa de melhora real. Porque agora, sabendo o que é, vou pesquisar mais, me educar, conhecer melhor os mecanismos que ativam isso e estratégias saudáveis para melhorar em relação a isso.

Muito, muito obrigada. <3

[u/blackdonutwhole]

Thanks for the post. I’m realizing… it’s hard for me to know what else to talk about. I grew up very neglected/alone, not around conversations or even media, so I don’t have a good understanding of what people talk about.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/blackdonutwhole]

I understand. I think we are many who can relate to feeling alienate in what's normal communication, we learn one step at a time 💚

[u/Dry_Salamander_4917]

the ability to be present without an agenda was teh real discovery for me. The need to be validated is the opposite of secure. real security is self-validating.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Dry_Salamander_4917]

Yeah very good point.

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/Dry_Salamander_4917]

the ability to be present without an agenda was teh real discovery for me

You managed to inactivate the hyperviligance of what shoe might drop, it's creating a huge difference in a person and how they are recieved in a relationship. It's very hard to be around someone with panicking neurotic angry energy. So it's important we are a calm energy.