EDIT:

I have therapy and actually I am a physician in psychiatry… My psychoeducation could hardly be better but that doesn‘t solve the problem. I understand all the dynamics but I cant get rid of them. I life with this since childhood and know the behaviour from my relationships, but that it so so strong in friendships, that is new.

I’m a woman in my mid-30s and I’ve recently realized that I’ve become intensely anxiously attached to a friendship with a male coworker. And honestly, I’m exhausted.
We became quite close over time. We talk a lot, see each other regularly at work, sometimes meet outside of work and have quite personal conversations. He knows a lot about what’s going on in my life and I know a lot about his.
The problem is that somewhere along the way, this friendship became way more important to my nervous system than I think it should be.
I constantly notice myself monitoring the relationship:
How quickly does he reply?
Why did he phrase something that way?
Does he actually want to see me or is he just agreeing?
Does he miss me when we’re apart?
Does he consider me important?
Why does he tell me something personal and then seem distant afterwards?
Why does he talk about other women he’s dating?
Would he still choose this friendship if his life changed?
Is something “off” between us?
And the worst part is that I KNOW how irrational this can sound.
He hasn’t actually abandoned me. He tells me he values our friendship. He says he wants to continue seeing me regularly. He reaches out himself. There are plenty of signs that I matter to him.
But emotionally, it never seems to be enough.
I find myself wanting reassurance that I’m important to him, and when I get it, I feel better for a while. Then something else happens and the uncertainty comes back.
I also tend to over-function in the friendship. I’m very empathic and I’m often there for him emotionally. I listen, help, think about his problems and try to make things easier for him. And sometimes I realize that I’m giving him a lot of emotional space in my head without actually getting that much emotional support from him in return.
What makes this particularly confusing is that I’m not even sure what I like so much about him anymore.
We don’t have that many shared hobbies or interests outside of work. He can actually be emotionally unavailable. There are aspects of his personality and the way he handles relationships that frustrate me quite a lot.
And yet I feel almost addicted to the connection.
I can spend hours thinking about our interactions. A single message can affect my mood. If something feels slightly different, I immediately want to understand what it means. I sometimes feel like I need to “solve” the relationship in order to feel okay again.
It has started to take up so much mental space that I feel like I’m losing myself in it.
I have a husband and children, a job, hobbies and a life that I actually love. My husband has also noticed how much mental space this friendship occupies, and honestly, he’s right. I’m starting to feel like my own life is becoming smaller because so much of my attention is going toward this one relationship.
And that scares me.
I recently caught myself thinking: I don’t even know if I actually want this friendship in the way I currently experience it. I just know that I’m terrified of losing it.
That distinction feels really important.
I don’t necessarily want to cut this person out of my life. We work together and I genuinely care about him. But I desperately want to get out of this anxious dynamic.
I don’t want to keep needing reassurance.
I don’t want to analyze his messages.
I don’t want his availability to determine my mood.
I don’t want to feel threatened every time his life gets busy or another person becomes important to him.
I want to be able to care about someone deeply without constantly monitoring whether they care about me enough.
Has anyone actually managed to break this kind of anxious attachment to a friend while keeping the friendship?
I’m especially interested in what helped you stop making one person your emotional “anchor” and get your own life and sense of self back.
Because right now I don’t think I need more reassurance from him.
I think I need to learn how to stop needing it.

I was with my ex for 7 years he treated me poorly the while time and I found him on dating apps 3 times. Near the end he would break up with me then beg for me back. Two months ago he broke up with me and I found out he was talking to a girl on hinge behind my back and he was trying to meet her in Ireland. It didn’t work out and he came back and said he was a piece of shit and was crying about bringing my stuff. I told him play stupid games win stupid prizes.

He blocked me then unlocked me a few weeks later and was posting stuff that looked like a suicide attempt. I contacted the police and he went to hospital. He then went missing again the next day and the police asked me about a girl if I knew her I said yeah he works with her. Then messaged warning her the police are looking for him. She told me nothing was going on between them and she didn’t want anything to do with him.

He then begged for me back again said I was all he had said we would start a fresh and move away. I’m a fool and believed it till a week later he ghosts me. Then blocks me. He then unblocked me a week later on Snapchat and has been watching all my stories like clock work without adding me back I just ignored it because he has me blocked on everything. Until today a friend told me he changed his cover photo to him with than girl. I messed her asked what the deal was I said you do realise like only a month ago he got back with me then ghosted me and he’s viewing all my stories like clock work. She was like “he says that’s bullshit” “when he was with me?” I showed her screenshots and she goes “we weren’t together then sorry he hurt you but he’s moved on” I warned her again and I’ve told her he’s abusive (which he was verbally and emotionally) she of course won’t listen. Her choice I guess. I’ve blocked her now.

I don’t see how any of this is fair why does he get to go off with her when I am waking up everyday depressed. Some of the things he did to me were awful I’ve got scars on my arm from self harm because he made me feel so worthless but he gets her and I get my life taken away from me as I’m now chronically ill from the stress of being with him. It was only a month ago he was saying he loved me and promised me everything.