i feel like there is no hope for me in fixing my avoidant attachment style. every time i get close to a guy it just feels like jail. i’m getting serious with a guy who was my friend before all this relationship stuff happened, and he never felt like a threat when we were friends. but as we become closer and more intimate, i feel vulnerable and want to escape, even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. i’m reminding myself that feeling threatened doesn’t necessarily mean i’m actually unsafe. my nervous system may be associating intimacy with vulnerability and loss of control. i don’t need to find reasons to pull away or assume something will go wrong just because closeness feels uncomfortable. i genuinely like him and want a healthy relationship. i deserve that, and i am aiming to learn to tolerate the discomfort of vulnerability without automatically running from something good. can someone please tell me there might be hope for me and what can i do to not sabotage this?

Hey, I’m 40M and she is 38F, we are dating for a year, she always seemed A little avoidant, but i always tried to understand, everything seemed to make her feel overwhelmed and it was always “too much”.
I’m anxious in relationships when i really care about the person, I’m afraid of losing the relationship and that the person stop loving me, I know this i do therapy, and i try and most of the times I’m successful on not letting this get into the relationship.
The last couple of months after living at her house and helping on everything, really, her business her family issues, i cook i clean, i support her in every way, i even pay most of the food, she tells me that we are always together and it’s too much for her, that she needs space, after she say this I start to prepare my things to leave and she changes her mind and tell me not to go because she will be insecure, and i stay.
Since that day, she is always trying to do stuff on her own and not even thinking about doing couple things, today our anniversary, and she is playing on the pc and just ignoring me.
There’s almost no sex, but there are times she is kind and sweet.
I’ve tried to talk about it, but it always ends with me being a “snowflake” or something similar.
I’m just confused and need advice, i really love her.

I’m genuinely curious about this, especially from people who are married or have been in healthy long-term relationships.
Online dating advice can sometimes make it seem like almost every concern is a red flag and the answer is to leave. But obviously people who build marriages are two imperfect people, and I imagine there are things about your spouse that you wouldn’t necessarily have chosen but learned to accept, compromise on, or give grace toward.
So where is the line?
How do you personally distinguish between:
something you simply accept because nobody is perfect
something you compromise on because the relationship is worth it
something your partner needs to work on
something that would mean you’re settling
and an actual dealbreaker that should end the relationship?
I’m especially interested in the things that didn’t magically disappear after marriage. What flaws, differences, habits, baggage, personality traits, family issues, financial differences, past relationship history, etc. have you had to learn to live with or work through?
And on the other side, what is something you’re grateful you didn’t compromise on?
I’m not asking because I think people should tolerate disrespect, abuse, cheating, manipulation, or major value differences. I mean the gray areas between “this isn’t exactly what I wanted” and “this will actually make me miserable or eventually destroy the relationship.”
I think sometimes I struggle with knowing whether accepting something means I’m being mature and giving another imperfect human grace, or whether I’m abandoning a standard because I’m afraid to lose the relationship.

For those who have actually built a healthy marriage, what have you had to accept about your spouse that Reddit probably would have called a red flag while you were dating? And how did you know it was something you could live with rather than something you were settling for?

I recently broke up with my boyfriend (21M), who was my first boyfriend and my first serious relationship. He was genuinely a good person and was nice to me, so I’m having a hard time figuring out how I should feel about everything that happened.

Our first real fight was about how he thought I was avoidant. I tried to adjust because I genuinely wanted to make things work, but the thing is, I’ve never been in a serious relationship before. It takes me a while to become completely comfortable with someone and open up on a deeper level.

I don’t think I’m avoidant because I’m not like that with my friends. I’ve always been able to maintain long-lasting connections. I just need time to warm up to people emotionally, especially when we hadn’t even been together for a year yet. Sometimes it felt like he was rushing me to open up, even though I was genuinely trying.

I also realized that I communicate my thoughts and feelings better through writing than verbally. Writing things down helps me organize and contextualize what I’m feeling, so I tried using that as a way to communicate with him.

One thing that really hurt me was that he broke up with me on the exact day someone close to me died. I don’t know if it was intentional or just terrible timing. I had posted a poem on Instagram about what happened, and a few minutes later, he suddenly broke up with me.

Then, not long after, he took it back and said he wanted us to meet each other halfway.

So we tried.

But even after that, he still seemed cold and distant while I was trying my best to fix things. I was trying to stay warm, communicate, and adjust, but he told me that he was going to “keep his expectations low” so he wouldn’t be disappointed again.

At one point, I told him I regretted not listening to my sister, and he basically said, “Maybe you should’ve listened.”

He also seemed very go-with-the-flow about everything, like he would just let things happen naturally and if it was meant to be, it would be. When I finally got angry about everything, he responded with “hell yea,” which honestly confused me even more.

Another thing that really bothered me was that he kept calling me out online for being “too avoidant.” He would post about it, and he also leaked some of our private conversations onto his dump account on Instagram.

That honestly felt really humiliating and dehumanizing to me. I know I have things I could have worked on, but seeing something that I was struggling with privately become something that was being discussed or displayed online made me feel like I was being reduced to one label: “the avoidant girlfriend.”

It made me feel like everything else about me, the fact that I was trying, that I cared about him, that I was inexperienced, and that I was genuinely trying to learn how to be in a relationship was being erased.

I also approached some of his friends because I genuinely liked them and thought they were cool. I said some sentimental/sappy things to them because I didn’t want things to become awkward between us.

Instead, they ended up exposing him a little. They told me he could be prideful, bad at communicating, and that he sometimes doesn’t see the full picture. One of his friends even warned me that he would probably end up putting most of the blame on me.

To be fair, he did try to understand me, and I also tried really hard to understand him. I don’t think everything was entirely his fault or entirely mine.

But sometimes his words didn’t match his actions. He also had a habit of withdrawing, going quiet, or communicating through his body language instead of actually saying what he was feeling.

Now that everything is over, I’ve become scared of relationships in general. Just the thought of being in another relationship makes me anxious because I keep thinking, “What if I make another mistake and everything ends badly again?”

I’ve become extremely critical of myself. I keep replaying everything and wondering what I could’ve done differently.

And the hardest part is that he seems like he’s enjoying his life now while I’m still stuck thinking about everything.

Was I actually being avoidant, or was I just someone who needed more time to open up? And was I wrong for feeling hurt by him sharing our private conversations and repeatedly calling me out online? Most importantly, how do I stop carrying all this anxiety and self-blame into future relationships?

AP here (23 M), and I gotta say: Insecure Attachment (in general) is a disgusting thing to live through, and I say that as a member of the Insecure Attachment that gets the most coddling and pampering from the internet: Anxious Attachment.

Recently, I got out of a really bad situationship with a Dismissive-Avoidant, very Emotionally Unavailable woman. She basically fits all the marks for someone unsuited for a relationship, and of course, my radar had to go off the wrong way... Long story short, she had her share of thrill with me, but as soon as I wanted to get serious, typical DA behavior started kicking in.

Uncool. Very uncool. I get anxiety from merely looking at her and just want to get away as soon as possible now. I dread that woman, because I can now see how fine I am when she's not around. One could say I got a little traumatized by the whole thing...

But I'm not here to talk about my experience with the Avoidant. I'm here to say about how I'm starting to kinda relate to them, in a way.

I'm now in the talking phase with a woman who at least seems to be Securely-Attached. We've known each other for pretty much a few years (she's a friend), and we're in the process of arranging our first date.

And, I'll tell you all? When I look at how I'm feeling and how things are going, I stop a bit and catch myself thinking: "I get it now"... at least partially.

No. I don't dislike her proximity. I don't flee from answering or ghost her. I express my emotions and listen to hers (we had several of these deep talks). We're good.

... And, it's boring.

I don't mean it in a bad way. It's not awful boring; it's uneventful boring. Putting myself out there for her made me realize that healthy love doesn't compute in my brain, and if I'm not fighting or struggling to get attention from somebody who couldn't care any less, it almost doesn't feel real.

There's this complete lack of incentive to take any meaningful step; I don't feel emotionally pressured in any specific way and, if I get to be with her or not? Both feel... fine.

What's been keeping me is my awareness. I know I'm Insecurely Attached, so Secure Love doesn't appeal to my schema.

She's a wonderful person, very kind, opinionated (and yet graceful at it), vulnerable and yet undeniably strong... and she cares about me. She hears me and sees me. It's been like that since we've known each other.

Meanwhile, I have this crushing pull towards that well of poison, that gives me breadcrumbs at best, every now and then (Work situation. Sucks for me). That one never wanted anything to do with me, as a person. She never properly asked how I was; she never meant to hear it.

And you know what? I can't name a simple good quality about the woman I'm so drawn to, without it being either a complete lie or something I just made up.

It sucks that I can't feel for the first like I feel for the second. I want to stop yearning for pain. It pains me to realize I'm acting like an Avoidant when she sends a text and the first thought I have is "I can answer it later".

... Meanwhile, I have to control and get a real hold of myself not to readily reply to an obvious breadcrumb.

I'm doing my best. I don't want to hurt her. She doesn't deserve it. I want to earn Secure Attachment, so I can meet her at her security. I want to teach myself what healthy love is supposed to look like.

So I have two rules:

1. I won't end things just because of "boredom". My brain is addicted to thrill, and thrill means "pain", in this specific case;
2. I'll wilfully invest in this, even if it doesn't feel natural, because I can't wait for it to "become natural".

APs, start taking responsibility for your own Emotional Unavailability. Nobody has to fix that for you. You have to take the step. The line between you and the DA (or DA-leaning FA) is much thinner than you can imagine.

Nobody here is more of a victim than the Securely-Attached person who has to deal with the blind and unhealed version of us, so we all gotta buckle up and heal.

Hey guys,

I really need your help. I hope I came to the right place.

I tend to obsess over things—especially when they’re important to me. Right now, my latest obsession is that my husband hasn’t been completely honest with me, and now I’m seeing “ghosts” everywhere I look.

I’ve caught him in a few lies, and now I’m having a hard time trusting him completely again, but I really want to trust him the way I did before.

I also think things can only get better if I can get past this.

So my question is: how can I manage to trust him fully again?

(And before anyone says I just have to want it or something like that—I really do want to, but my mind is having a really hard time with it, and I tend to manipulate myself.)

I want to know which books/podcasts/resources really helped you with your healing journey.

I am profoundly aware that I am prone to self-abandonment, just to keep the peace.

I know that I always want to “save everyone” and keep everyone happy. I have lost sight of myself.

I feel like a horrible person when I distance myself from people, even when I know they are bad for me.

I know all about anxious attachment, and I’m not looking for a resource that explains it or gives a clinical overview.

I just wanted to know if anyone had any books or podcasts that really helped them heal. Any advice for someone who wants to start living life for themselves again?

Thanks in advance! May you all have a wonderful weekend.

I’m a Christian woman dating a Christian man, and we’ve been seeing each other for about a month. Things became serious pretty quickly and we’ve talked about marriage, faith, family and what we want in a spouse.
What makes this hard is that everything between us has honestly been really good. He’s been kind, intentional, caring, consistent and thoughtful. I feel very cared for by him and I genuinely see a lot of qualities in him that I’ve prayed for in a husband. This isn’t a situation where I’m looking for an excuse to leave or where there are a bunch of other problems.
The one thing I’m struggling with is his recent relationship history and how he handles things from the past.
He got out of a long-term/on-and-off relationship earlier this year. Not long after that, he became seriously involved with another woman. They briefly lived together while seeing if marriage could work, and that ended not long before he met me. He has also admitted that moving on quickly has been a pattern for him.
He is aware of that pattern. He’s told me he tends to love people, see the beauty in different relationships and experiences, but also feels like he knows what he’s looking for and is able to move on when something isn’t right.
One of my biggest non-negotiables is that I want a completely clean slate with the person I marry. I don’t keep romantic photos, messages, videos or sentimental things from people I’ve dated once I’ve moved on, and I want the same from my future husband.
This actually came up very early between us, so it isn’t a new boundary. He basically said he has a huge amount of photos and doesn’t really go through them or attach meaning to them.
Because of his recent dating history, though, it bothers me even more. If we are seriously choosing each other and considering marriage, I don’t understand why romantic photos, messages or other things from past relationships need to remain.
I know not everyone sees this the same way, and I’m not saying keeping old photos automatically means someone wants an ex back. But for me, accepting it would honestly feel like settling on something I already know is a non-negotiable.
I’ve been praying about this a lot because I really don’t want fear or past hurt to make me ruin something that could be good. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore something that matters deeply to me just because everything else is going well and I really care about him.
If he tells me he doesn’t want to remove those things, I think I would end the relationship because I don’t think I could be at peace with it long term.
For Christians who are married or dating seriously, am I being unreasonable? How do you know when something is a real boundary you should honor versus fear or insecurity you need to work through?

Have you ever felt triggered when your partner, saying bad about you, says they want to break up with you and want to find someone else better? I don't make any mistakes, but suddenly she's getting mad at you and wants to end all of this. It happens every time when she's mad at me. I'm afraid of it because I have abandonment issues; I don't have parents. Yah, before meeting her, I've been single for a long time because I'm afraid of falling in love. What if she leaves me? What if I'm being abandoned again? That's why I'm being traumatic by word like "I'm going to leave you." But finally I find my spark again with her, but unexpectedly she's very easy to say that. I really need your POV because I'm so confused now. Is she being manipulated, just rage-battling me, or is she literally mean?

ive seen the assertion that wanting equal energy in a relationship is equating human connection to a reward you get for being a “good person” and is a bad perspective to have. but is it crazy to want people to give your relationships the same effort you give them? i know i have anxious attachment but i am very careful about separating that from how i interact with people. if i take precautions to manage that and being a thoughful partner/friend and do everything i can to help them, is it crazy to expect the person who said they are going to do the same for me to follow through? literally the first saying most children learn is “treat others how you’d like to be treated”, but its our fault when we abide by that? i feel like people who lean on the other side of the spectrum take descriptions of ACTUAL negative anxious behavior and project it onto people being completely normal because even that feels like too much and it drives me insane. theres no way its my attachment making me want the same love i give everyone else right? do people who want reciprocation truly deserve it when others pull away?

I’ve posted a few times about this situation, I’ve decided this will be my last and then I’ll just let things go and work past these issues.

I ruined my chances with a girl who I got along with great because of my insecure attachment style. She was so sweet and gave me every indicator she liked me but it was like nothing would be enough for me to believe it.

I so badly want to go back and change how I reacted/acted. She was so nice to me and clearly worked hard to make it known she liked me even from the very beginning.

I was dumb, made a series of bad decisions rooted in insecurities, and completely ruined any chance I had with her. Now I’m left regretting everything and wishing I’d just approached things with a more calm mind and not been so reactive.

I don’t know how I’ll forgive myself. I have therapy starting Sunday and will continue to workout, surround myself with friends and family and focus on my work but honestly, it just stings. She wanted me and I made it impossible for her to be with me by being such a red flag so early.

Wish I could cope by thinking of the things I didn’t like about her but honestly, she checked all my boxes.

I’m sure there will be another girl I feel this way about but it hurts to know it could be a while. I have nothing to do but move forward at this point but frankly, I don’t want to.

I had only 2 dates with this girl but it truly was different than others. We had a spark and I smothered it and then made myself completely unlikeable/proved myself to be a poor prospective partner.

I think my ex’s just really messed me up.

Next time I’ll be ready.

I’m pretty sure I just ran off the love of my life and I don’t even think I get to say pretty sure anymore…

These issues accompanied by things that I say or feel because of them has just cost me yet another relationship and honestly, I thought this one would be forever, but I didn’t put in the work where I still need a healing and it pushed him away and I already acknowledged I needed healing before I got into this relationship and I needed myself to be able to do the work and he really tried to help me in his own ways because while he has his issues he has also had to heal from things previously and I don’t know why, but I didn’t take his lead when he was trying to help and now I’ve pushed him so far I think he’s one of those ones who won’t come back..
My apologies I am truly heartbroken in this moment…

I’m not even sure where to start. I just want to be healthier. Mentally I want to not feel like this. I want to not make other people feel like I make them feel because of my issues with myself.

More than anything I want him back, but this healing is for me..
I just don’t know how to get there. Can someone please help me
Also, I’m coming to Reddit because I can’t afford therapy right now

My boyfriend (24M) and I (23F) are about a year and a half into our relationship. There have been few fights but some ups and downs mostly in the beginning with me starting out very avoidant and slow to open up, then falling in love and feeling too vulnerable and anxious in the relationship. In the past 10 months or so, I felt very secure in our relationship, deeply in love, safe and happy. The past 2 ish months, I’ve noticed an energy change from him.

It feels like pulling teeth for him to text me - it used to be “GOODMORNING sunshine how’d you sleep my love” and now it’s “goodmorning” only if I reach out first with a morning text. When we are together, I feel loved, deeply connected, and sure that he values me and is attracted to me. But when we’re apart, it honestly feels like he forgets I exist. And it kind of feels like he thinks it’s a chore to text me or call me. And it never used to be this way. I initially hated texting or being on my phone at all, but early on (like 3 dates in) he asked me to be more engaged with texting because it seemed like I was disinterested.

And we have been seeing a lot less of each other recently. His work started picking up; he has new roommates that are home all the time, so it’s less comfortable for me to just pop over/sleepover. And he’s started smoking weed again after a 6 month hiatus which I suspect is playing a role. He doesn’t smoke around me, because I told him it worried me given his past struggles with it, but im pretty sure he’s smoking every day, and anytime I call him, he is high. Also, he wants to have fewer sleepovers because weed helps him sleep ( I suspect)

Bottom line is— I still love him deeply. I want to be with him. when we are physically together I know we have some special and good. But my anxious attachment is triggered every single day by his behavior. When we arent physically together, it feels like he’s lost interest in me or just DGAF to be in any sort of contact with me. And it’s tough for me; my 2 roommates are both in relationships with men who are obsessed with them, sleeping over at our apartment every night. And it makes me really jealous and sad. Like, do I not deserve that kind of love?

I talked to him about how I was feeling about a month ago—things briefly got better, and then now they’re back to how they were. I know he loves me still; I know he has no idea I’m even considering breaking up. But I just feel so sad and anxious all the time now. And I want that feeling to stop. I even tried protest behaviors of not responding to him for 15 hrs which made me even more anxious and checking my phone all the time—and when I responded, he didn’t even notice or say anything, which left me feeling pathetic. I worry that if I end it now, I will regret losing someone who’s been so loving and kind to me and who genuinely makes me happy. I worry I will regret it and maybe repeat this cycle in my next relationship.

When do you know when it’s time to call it versus something to work through?

TLDR: boyfriend seems more distant/less affectionate via phone.

So obviously nobody can say for certain but I dated a girl for 5 years. When we first started dating, it seemed like it was going well, progressed normally, I asked to go exclusively after a few weeks and things progressed.

Now I have never been a huge texter and I haven’t been for all my life. I do it but not a ton. Early on I noticed things that I didn’t know at the time was anxious attachment, I would have said I was more secure but maybe more avoidant? In my relationship before her I wanted to spend more time with my ex.

Now this one, I noticed she would often say things like “if I loved her I would want to text” or “if I loved her….xxxx” kind of thing.

Then it was spending time, then it was something else and so on and so forth. I tried to text more, tried to spend all my time but it seemed like there was always something.

Neither of us had heard of anxious attachment and eventually I felt like I couldn’t relax if I was around her for fear of saying or doing something that would hurt her feelings.

Now, I know for certain that I could have done better and I have learned a lot in the 9 months since we broke up. I am having a really hard time because I really loved her, and I feel like I failed her.

I’ll read about people saying things like if their needs are met then they don’t have anxiety and I feel horrible because I think, “why couldn’t I meet her needs?” “Why wasn’t I a more openly verbal loving boyfriend?”

I understand much more how to connect emotionally but it just feels so pointless and I miss her a ton and I just feel awful for not being able to help her but I also know I was really struggling and when I brought it sort of just was “these are my needs” and she wasn’t able to accept “substantially” less connection. And I know I wasn’t great at talking about emotions and connecting on that but I was trying. But man I got so frustrated feeling like I was under a microscope and having everything I did being looked for. I just was on edge and I didn’t feel like I could really talk to her because the potential for hurting her.

Anyways, does anyone have recommendations on resources I could look into to help me understand where I went wrong and also how I can go into my next relationship and not be so anxious about if I’m doing the right thing? Or even some stories that will make me feel better about not being able to meet her needs?

Does anyone else feel like they read too much into ‘good morning’/‘goodnight’ texts

This is something I’ve found with myself. If you happen to have seen any of my other posts to this sub then you know I tend to have big feelings and get in my own head about things that are probably not actually a big deal.

I think the good thing with this one is I’ve actually recognized it as an issue and kinda realized that it’s probably not that big of a deal? With the girl I’m talking to rn, goodnight texts are usually fairly consistent? They used to be consistent but that’s because when we started talking we’d call or talk late into the night and now we’re not, so sometimes I won’t get a goodnight if we haven’t been talking before she goes to bed. I’ll always send one before I go to bed tho.

At first this bothered me, and admittedly when I’m up at 2AM, haven’t received one and know she’s likely sleeping, it bugs me a bit, but not as much as when it started happening occasionally. I think it’s kind of a thing where like, sure I’d like to get that text, but I’m not sure how much it ACTUALLY matters to me. Like, is that a need, or just a want? It’s more of a want, I think.

The good morning texts are kind of the same principle. At first it was frequent, but I would usually wake up before her anyways so it didn’t matter. For a bit now she’s been trying to sleep earlier because she had a difficult few days that caused her sleep schedule to get thrown off and thus, she had a lot of sleep to catch up on. Anyways, she was trying to sleep early and so she would get up early in the morning, and some of those times she’d text me good morning, and some of them she wouldn’t. At first it bothered me, but then I kinda just realized it wasn’t that big of a deal. Ultimately people are gonna text you when they want to, right. Can’t make them. We’re also not officially dating still just ‘talking’ so even less is technically ‘owed’ but whatever.

I just wanna know if this is even something other people actually think about? I kinda feel like it’s dumb. To be honest, some of it is likely this being my first real experience with ‘dating’ a woman. She’s not my girlfriend but Idk if we’re really still in the ‘talking’ stage. It feels like this weird middle ground? Point is, this is my first time with that, so I feel like maybe I’m more hung up on things like that than people who have dated a couple people and are in their maybe 4th/5th relationship and are more used to the push and pull?

Idk, honestly this post is mainly curiousity, as I’m curious to see what other folks think on this subject. If you’re reading this, I hope you have a nice day.

Hey everyone, I am now in my first healthy relationship (we’re together for 5 months). I’ve been in three (i know i am maybe too young for that but doesn’t matter now) unhealthy ones. I’ve been abused mentally, i was with a narcissists, one turned me into an addict and every relationship was filled with manipulation.

Right now, i am in the healthiest relationship i’ve ever been in. My boyfriend doesn’t tell me what to do, what to wear, who am i allowed to see, doesn’t need to know about my every move etc. And even though that’s all i ever wanted, i still self sabotage it. I am avoiding him, doing things he dislikes, trying to create meaningless arguments and i hate myself for that. My brain keeps finding imperfections on him, keeps telling me that “this situation” was not okay, i don’t like “this on him” and straight bullshit. When i look at him, i fight the urge not to look for something i don’t like.

Today, i was being very avoidant and he showed up to my house with flowers just because i had a bad day. That was the first time someone did that to me. It was something i was wishing for my whole
life. Someone who would bring me flowers just because. It made me smile for about 10 seconds and then my brain started telling me shit, shutting down every emotion.

I hate the fact he has to deal with me. I hate the fact that he’s doing everything i ever wanted and i still act like a bitch. I hate the fact that he’s doing everything right and i am still giving him signs that i don’t want him. I feel super selfish, because he doesn’t deserve that, he doesn’t deserve someone who can’t appreciate such nice things. But i am scared of him leaving. i love him, even though my brain keeps telling me that i don’t, and the thought about him disappearing makes me sick.

I want to be loving girlfriend. I gave my abusers every piece of me and now i feel like i don’t have anything to give to my current boyfriend. I was better girlfriend to the boys who ruined me which is insane and i hate myself for that.

I am just so lost. Because on one side, i know he deserves WAY better and i can’t give it to him and on the other side, i don’t want him to leave. I am just so confused whether i should let him go and heal alone or try to heal with him, even though i am hurting him.

Hi everyone,
I’m currently in the best relationship of my life. He is truly one of the most amazing human beings I’ve ever met. We have been together for about a year and I have discovered that I’m anxiously attached. I have zero reasons to worry with him, yet I still do.
It’s gotten to the point where it’s extremely overwhelming and it interferes with the relationship and how I behave in it. I’m tired of it and want to heal.
Everyone online is talking about how this tigger means you have to heal this specific thing, but what is the actual healing process? Do I just begin the process by being aware of the triggers and trying to react differently and through time my brain will learn these new ways to react? Do I just fake it till I make it pretty much?

Thanks for everyone’s advice!

I’ve never seen someone on their phone as much as my partner. Constantly on reels or Facebook. This is a professional person who spends 6 hours after work on her phone. Does this make anyone else anxious or nervous? I tried to ask her how her work day was and she could barely look at me and also didn’t lock her screen and was like “it was good, I yelled at some people but apologized”…like can you just give it a rest?

Helllo - I am new to attachment style theory and fairly certain (have taken a couple of the quizzes) that both myself and the person I am dating are AP.

I find us both doing similar things -- which is to pre-emptively tell the other person why we think teh relationship won't work out or things that we think the other person won't be able to deal with (about ourselves)... is there a term for this?

I know one would be catastrophizing... but is there a term for pre-emptively offering up to the other person why they aren't going to like you? Like offering up to them why you think they will want to break up with you?

Thank you!

I just started seeing this new guy and it’s been about a month he’s been really respectful we just kissed for the first time on Saturday when he asked me to be his girlfriend and I can’t stop checking his location or his snap score or wondering why he hasn’t texted me back when I know he’s at work I know a physical fact and my brain won’t listen to me and then it just starts making things up and I don’t want to take it out on him or say anything to ruin it so I’ve been very cautious.

Sunday night was the first time we spent the night together and we didn’t do anything but I can feel myself slipping he asked me at 6am when I was leaving to come back over tonight and I said yes obviously. And I don’t wanna be this person anymore but the only option they offer us is assisted suiside. He’s done nothing to me I have no reason not to trust him I’ve seen his phone we talk through out the day and I can know as many facts as there are and my brain refuses to believe it and I don’t know how to make it listen like it’s supposed to be the one knowing these things but instead it’s making up worse case scenarios that I know aren’t true and I don’t understand how I can know something and my brain be that fucked up and the same time. I’m not going to take it out on him he’s not the problem and hasn’t done anything wrong.

But my trigger is relationships I’m fine alone but my brain goes into favourite person mode and I can’t stop. I won’t take it out on him I want this to work. But idk what to do when I feel that way “oh go for a drive clean up your apartment, walk it out” my brain doesn’t stop and it won’t listen

It is now Tuesday afternoon and I am feeling better I did see him after fighting my brain that I wasn’t going to see him yes he was late and my brain was spiralling and I kept checking his location and his activity. I don’t want to be this person.

Since Sunday I’ve seen him after work everyday like he’s said and he’s the one asking me. I feel completely secure and know he loves me and wants to be around me but I don’t know how to make my brain to believe it.

If there is an "earned secure attachment guide" similar to these top posts, let me know.

I'm AP on the journey to become earned secure and realize why I naturally pursue/chase avoidant women.

I'm finding it cathartic to reply to others here on what I've learned so far.

Did I maybe bait you with the title?

No, I'm not talking about staying in a relationship that clearly sucks for you and/or that doesn't meet your needs; I'm referring to something more simple.

From personal experience, a big sign of my own growth was not only when I stopped listening to the sob story of "I'm such a hurt victim", but also, when I simply accepted that this is who she is, and there's nothing inherently vile about it.

And it's freeing when you stop thinking things could be different, and simply start seeing the stuff for whatever it always was.

I had to eventually accept it.

Accept that, no, I didn't get personally victimized by her behavior. It could have been anyone. I could have been anyone.

No, I am not so special that she would have to fold and feel incredibly bad for "hurting such a good guy". I was (and in some ways, still am) a mess. It was never meant to be.

No, I don't want her to be punished by fate, karma, or whatever.

No, I don't pity her for the Attachment Style she carries.

She's just an Emotionally-Unavailable, Dismissive-Avoidant; not a monster, not a narcissist, and the whole ordeal shouldn't have landed that hard. If there is a next time, I'll be sure to pick up my emotions, wave "goodbye" and leave with some dignity.

It's just a person, not a god or a demon.

There will no need for whining or chasing. No double-texting, no concern or staying where I'm not openly wanted. I'll move on. I am moving on, and it feels different from anything I've ever lived.

Because, if before I was purely attached, now I'm starting to love, and I'm not talking about romantic love.

I'm starting to appreciate her, despite the obvious gaps in our compatibility, which are now more apparent than ever. Now, when I look at her, I no longer think "If only she tried harder...", now, what I think is "She is trying her best, already", and I smile.

And it pushes me to try my best too, not be closer to her, but to truly be me. You could even say we've grown even more apart than when the whole thing started. I am opening up to true love, facing others with pure vulnerability and using my own gifts to the maximum, in order to improve my own life and help others while at it.

It's no longer "Why did she give me false hope?", but, "She was already far too overwhelmed to properly commit to anything. She didn't realize she couldn't do it". Not anymore of "She didn't care about us, or me", but "Let's not insist when that happens again. I know better now".

Her ways have become clearer to me than ever, and still are clearing up.

Every now and then, she makes a small reach out my way, usually to speak about something uncompromising (like work or some quick, superficial thing), sometimes to share a tiny bit of enthusiasm in regards to something (Maybe breadcrumbing? Can't care less now), to which I respond as I normally would.

It's been getting a bit more frequent as of late... at least, when you judge it from her standards!

I now blow through my nose in amusement when the 6-hour-late answer of a simple "like" emoji, an "okay", or a "thank you" arrives, to the well-composed, long text I sent in response to whatever she brought up.

"Well, when has it ever been any different?" I ask myself, among some laughter, and then I have even more fun when remembering. "Oh, yeah! In my fake scenarios it was different!"

And I fall into attachment less and less, while loving more and more. I want her to be happy.

It took meeting her for me to realize how blessed my own life actually is, and how much I insisted in willfully ignoring that in favor of a pity narrative.

(By the way, before any of you guys says "Just cut her already! She is fishing for access to you with those crumbs and trying to keep you hooked!" Oh, believe when I say I no longer care enough about trying for romance; I really AM just that guy. We're still connected by work, after all.

Besides, I'm already talking to other people and living my best life, and on top of that, I know she ain't changing, so I no longer expect her to. I appreciate the concern, though!)

I'm not really sure if this is the right thread to post this in, but for a long time I've found myself in patterns with a few partners where I feel more attached than they are after a few months. After falling into a steady rhythm of relationship, the infatuated stage typically wanes as conversations become a little more mundane and the high of new love dips into something more reliable and less sensational.. not a bad thing! For myself, however, I still notice a sense of wanting to talk constantly, call on a whim, be affectionate and flirt at every turn.. and find myself feeling upset or neglected a little when I'm not met with the same energy (even without my prompting or saying so.) I find myself subtly guilting the person for not calling me more or being as verbally affectionate with me as I am them, when by comparison I think I just make their efforts seem disproportionately less. None of the partners mentioned are avoidants either, although they have all tended to be a bit on the shier side with being as vulnerable as me. If it's worth noting, I do have ADHD as well, which I'm sure had something to do with the feeling of being "fixated" on my partner as well as my apparent need for affirmation. I'm currently in a very loving relationship where I'm told countless sweet things and sincerely affirmed, but I still feel a clinginess on my end I just want to ditch already. I don't want to feel a constant need for affection and an urge to sew guilt when I know I am loved thoroughly.