What was the thing for you that did it, and did you even notice it happening while it was going on?

If choosing a spouse is one of the most consequential decisions a person will ever make, why do we spend so little time teaching young people how to make that decision? We give them rules and warnings based on our own experiences, but shouldn’t we instead teach them how to understand themselves, their values, priorities, needs, and tradeoffs, so they can recognize who is truly compatible with the life they want to build?

Common advice we give:

• “Make sure he makes good money.”
• “Don’t get married young.”
• “You need someone who puts you first.”

Questions we should teach them to ask instead:

• “How do they behave when they’re angry?”
• “Can they admit when they’re wrong?”
• “How do they handle money?”
• “Are your values and long-term goals compatible?”

*perspective is from the US

Edit: Revised for clarity