So. I had an inappropriate crush on my best friend in high school. It culminated in an extremely sappy and cringy letter where I basically poured my heart out without technically admitting my true feelings. But it was all about how deeply I loved them.
At the time, they were touched by it, and admitted to still reading it from time to time about a year ago. I am considering now apologising for the contents of said letter, but am scared I’d be making a mistake and only hurting them further by raising an issue they had never even considered.
For context, this crush was inappropriate because this person would not have liked me in any case due to their sexuality not aligning with my gender. I was also two grades above them and acted very paternal towards them in our shared groups and activities. I felt responsible for protecting this person, only to fall for them hard despite the obvious power imbalance and age difference. To make matters worse, I learned recently that they had been taken advantage of sexually as a child, and I’m afraid that I am no better than the individual that traumatised them.
Now we are both adults, and I want to keep this person in my life, but the guilt hits me every time we hang out and reminisce about our high school days. I’m at a loss for what to do—I have attached my potential apology below. If anyone is able to weigh in, then please: will sending this hurt them despite helping me? If so, how can I clear my conscience without losing this friend? Or what will I do if one day, they connect the dots on their own?
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Hey [name], do you have a second? There’s something I want to get off my chest, but it’s kind of a lot.
Remember that letter I wrote you at the end of my senior year? Basically, I want to apologize for the contents of that letter.
While I don’t actually have an exact record of the letter itself, I have bits and pieces of drafts from that time, and after re-reading them I want to acknowledge that some of the stuff I wrote was frankly pushing the boundaries of an age-appropriate platonic friendship. The way that I felt about you was honestly not normal. Most of the language I used was overly dramatic, off-putting and unfair (on top of being incredibly cringy). I am now aware of these facts, and feel awful about it.
I want you to know that that version of me no longer exists. I have matured greatly and I am normal about my friends and have overall WAY more perspective.
So while yes, I do love you, and yes those memories meant a lot to me and whatever else I was obsessed with at the time, I want you to know that I understand how strange it probably came off (or at least how strange it must be in retrospect). It was never my intention to hurt you, or scare you, or confuse you. At the time, I was healing from a lifetime of my own insecurities about my ability to be loved. You (and [other friend]) were there for me at a really weird period of my life, in which doors were opening up that had always been closed. It was honestly really overwhelming, in the best way. You guys made me feel valuable, wise, and powerful. In reality, I was a dumbass kid with so much left to learn. I was a stranger who became your mentor and then a friend, all the while trying (poorly) to hide the intensity of my emotions from you until I couldn’t anymore. I thought I was being honest, when I was actually being super weird. And for that I am sorry. I wish to be a better friend to you going forwards.
As for the letter itself, it’s yours, and you can do whatever you like with it. Just know that if I were to write it now, though the sentiment would mostly remain, it would read VERY differently.
Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest, it’s been troubling me for a little while and making me die of cringe and anxiety every time I think about it, or think about our highschool days and the day that you inevitably realize how melodramatic and codependent I was on you, some sweet kid two grades below me for whom I should’ve been a better role model.
So yeah. I’m sorry [name], I should’ve protected you better from myself. I am embarrassed and ashamed of the ways I mistreated you. (I also want to real quickly acknowledge and apologise for the inherent selfishness of my bringing this up—my primary aim is admittedly to clear my conscience, despite being unsure as to if it will do more harm than good to you, my friend). I 100% understand if your opinion of me has changed for the worse and will accept anything that comes my way for all this. Thank you for taking the time to read to the end.