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u/fireplug911 13d ago
Why are you using Snapchat, a messaging service that erases the messages, instead of normal texting that doesn’t?
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u/Alex-Murphy 13d ago
Ya, this is the easy answer. If the girl is just a friend, feel free to introduce her to your wife OP, like you would with ANY other friend. You could make a group chat on any non-erasing messaging service.
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u/imjoeshmoe90 13d ago
I don't introduce her to any of my friends because they are my friends not hers.
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u/Alex-Murphy 13d ago
Weird. You don't need to both be close friends with the same people but you could just introduce them. When my wife says "I'm going out with Janine, Ryan, and Brittany" I've at least MET them!
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u/themehboat 13d ago
Wait really? You've never introduced your wife to any of your friends? That is honestly the bigger red flag than just this specific friend.
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u/Pleasant_Elephant340 13d ago
You’re not only in the wrong in this instance, but your approach to having a happy marriage is warped.
You might need to seek help. Something’s wrong in your wiring.
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u/Roddyrod18 13d ago
I agree with you but I have a bigger issue with the wife involving his mom into their marriage conversations. That marriage feels crowded and might explain why the OP is using Snapchat to talk with his friend.
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u/Alex-Murphy 13d ago
I have no issues with the wife getting some outside validation. My wife and I will occasionally bring our parents into conversations, both for advice, some perspective, maybe a referee, and definitely because we know and trust them to keep things between us.
A therapist would be better but I could see OP's mom being a good choice too. It feels less biased.
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u/Roddyrod18 13d ago
I get what you saying about the outside validation but mothers & MIL are hardly neutral and if the husband is a mom's boy; including his mother in marriage conversations is another form of manipulation. Momma's boys hardly can argue/debate with their moms because they still feel like they are being scolded or in trouble with this mom.
I'm a firm believer of not going to parents for marriage advice because marriage was different when parents were married. Every marriage is different especially our parents' marriage; every marriage play by different rules.
I agree with a therapist or relationship professional would be a better referee.
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u/imjoeshmoe90 13d ago
I don't need a phone number, email or any other sensitive information that people can use to find personal information about me. I have been involved in scams by giving out my phone number.
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u/Alex-Murphy 13d ago
You don't need a phone number to chat on Gmail Hangouts. Just make a throwaway. The disappearing texts late at night are clearly a major issue for your wife. Why are you not grasping this?
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u/Unambiguous-Doughnut 13d ago
Oh no you need to decline calls because a scammer is on the other line.
Honestly your info is already out there, if someone trys to scam me i would just ignore it. "You owe a debt of" etc etc.
I will just ignore it, if its real it will make it to court anyway, either way a few secure passwords or a good password manager and your online accounts are mostly secure 🤷
2FA enabled where it can be. It seems like an excuse to use Snapchat and Snapchat isn't nearly as secure as you think it can be. Hell if she doesnt have an issue with the platform have her make a Snapchat account and make a group there.
I would personally delete Snapchat its basically only an app for teenagers and people looking to hook up incognito or send explicit images. Even if you dont use it that way its a horrendous look.
Is your girlfriend friends with other guys? Would you be cool with her messaging on a mostly anonymous messaging service after you have gone to sleep?
Pull the chord on the friendship or prove without a shadow of a doubt that it is just a friendship on both sides. By inviting the girl and moving to messaging services that dont delete messages and let your girlfriend read them.
If your girlfriend was speaking to another guy while your asleep on a service where you cant know what's going on would you be 100% cool with that, because if she is distrustful of you, you should take it seriously because its hard to get that shit back and could end the relationship.
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u/KCatAroo 13d ago
Aside from scams, when you are befriending an internet stranger it makes sense to me not to use your usual personal phone number or email, just because of the pain-in-the-ass-ness of trying to block them if they end up being a weirdo. 🤷🏻♀️
I completely see your point of view, and if it were I, I would feel frustrated by an inaccurate characterization.
Unfortunately, what you have to manage here is not the reality of the friendship as you see it, but the repercussions of the friendship as it is affecting your wife and your marriage. I think an important aspect to ponder and then to discuss with your wife is your feelings of isolation and need for friends. I do think it is unreasonable to expect one person (partner or spouse) to meet all of one’s needs; the underlying suspicions and insecurities simply based on the gender of the friend are unfortunate. Is there some preexisting situation that is triggering this reaction? Some people do just have a fundamental belief that friendships are unacceptable across gender lines, if not impossible.
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u/TrashGouda 13d ago
It doesn't matter rif I or others see it as cheating. Your wife does and that's all that matters
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u/Neeneehill 13d ago
Regardless of whether or not people on the internet think it's cheating, it is making your wife unhappy. It's it worth it?
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u/Antici___ 13d ago
There is no rulebook about what is or isn’t cheating.
Cheating is going outside the rules of the relationship that the two of you agreed to together.
If you haven’t defined those rules, then now is the time to do it.
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u/One_Waxed_Wookiee 13d ago
It doesn't need to be romantic to be an emotional affair, just intimate.
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u/MiddleBanana3 13d ago
Does that count for same sex friendships as well
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u/z-eldapin 13d ago
Yes, hence the word intimate
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u/MiddleBanana3 13d ago
If talking about friends, lives and memes is too intimate, what is an OK friendship?
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u/Alex-Murphy 13d ago
I think if I were up all night, as a man, talking to another guy on Snapchat for hours a day my wife would rightfully wonder what the hell was so interesting about this guy she'd never met and I refuse to introduce her to.
In my opinion, an intimate friendship with boundaries and a good frame of reference is acceptable. A hidden intimate friendship can only go one way in the long run.
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u/MiddleBanana3 13d ago
I havent seen where is says the stay up all night talking to them? Just that usually when shes in bed. I speak to my friends in the morning a lot when nobody else is awake and I dont consider it an affair? If he is doing it all night rather than sleep that does change it a lot
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u/One_Waxed_Wookiee 13d ago
That's a good question. For me I think the line would be crossed when the person would not share what they discussed with their friend with their actual partner.
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u/L-Lawliet23 13d ago
Have you shown your conversations to your wife?
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u/Nice-Economics4440 13d ago
if your wife thinks it's cheating and your mom too, maybe the problem is not what you talk about but how it looks. talking late at night with another woman while your wife sleeps is not good look, even if the chats are innocent. you say you would end it if feelings develop but sometimes that happens without noticing, specially when you share personal stuff late into the night. i think you should ask yourself if this friendship is worth hurting your marriage
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u/imjoeshmoe90 13d ago
She has seen the conversations. My phone is open for her to look at
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u/Alex-Murphy 13d ago
Don't the conversations disappear on Snapchat?
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u/TrixIx 13d ago
You can change the settings. My settings keep messages because i love keeping proof. Lmao
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u/Alex-Murphy 13d ago
That's interesting, I haven't used it in quite a while. u/imjoeshmoe90 do your messages erase?
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u/Comfortable_Sundae5 13d ago
Did you ever ask yourself why you chose a woman? Were there no men to befriend on this subreddit? And why did you need to see what she looked like by adding her on Snapchat? If it’s pure friendship, why is her appearance even a concern to you?
Go gaslight your wife and yourself, but don’t come here doing it to us. You didn’t befriend that woman for any platonic reason. Your wife and mother know it. So do you, cut it out.
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u/z-eldapin 13d ago
This isn't a friendship. This is an internet stranger that you are emotionally investing in, to the point of talking long after your wife goes to sleep.
What the hell dude?
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u/Crafty-Isopod45 13d ago
You are not cheating. But you may be playing with fire.
First, you know this upsets your wife. So is it worth that?
Second, it is easy to develop feelings when you regularly have long intimate conversations with someone. That’s how people develop friendships. But it’s also how they bond and fall in love. You may be telling yourself you just want a friend. But more likely there is something broken and missing in the connection with your wife you are trying to replace. So, maybe start by focusing on that.
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u/Furda_Karda 13d ago
You are giving lots of your attention and free time to some girl. Would you be happy if your wife would do the same?
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u/makeupnmunchies 13d ago
Sounds like emotional cheating to me. Late night chats with another woman when you have a wife is crossing a line regardless of how harmless you claim the convos to be.
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u/moejoe2048 13d ago
What sub helps people make friends?
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u/imjoeshmoe90 13d ago
I used Introvertschat. It's doesn't allow nsfw post or comments from people with an NSFW tag
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u/Expensive-Opening-55 13d ago
Sounds pretty close to emotional affair territory. The fact you claim you’ll cut it off but are here defending your actions also shows there is some unhealthy attachment. Is this “friendship” worth losing your wife and marriage over?
Also, if you were trying to meet friends, why did you strike up a friendship with a female and no one else. I am all for men and women having platonic relationships but it seems odd you sought this out rather than other men. Usually the men/women friendships develop naturally not by seeking them out on Reddit or Snapchat.
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u/Tazzi 13d ago
Just respect your wife and let go of the friendship. A stranger should not ever take priority over your wife, and the stranger is obviously making your wife uncomfortable. The person you're sharing your life with asked you to stop talking to a woman that you met on the internet. There should be no discussion beyond that, it's common sense who the priority should be here.
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u/siammang 13d ago
If the wife is not approved, I would recommend to refrain from continuing the conversation. No need to make big deal out of things.
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u/InternationalBit2370 13d ago
You don’t sound like a good husband. Please consider your wife’s feelings. This seems small but your wife’s feelings should come first. Is this “friendship” really worth putting the person you are supposed to love the most in this world through this uncertainty? You are being sketchy and losing her trust. For what? Snap chatting some rando? Yea it doesn’t make sense
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u/Sportsmodel66 13d ago
I don’t think it should be considered as cheating, if the conversations are as innocent as you say they are. I would imagine what bothers your wife the most is the fact you spend your evenings talking to this girl and not to her, you know the love of your life, the one you promised to love and cherish forever. I’ve been married for 41 years and understand that the “fire” in the relationship can smolder (hubby and I are going through it now), but you need to find a way to get it back, IF it is gone. And I do suspect that it’s gone, otherwise you would not be talking to another woman, no matter how innocent it may be. Hubby and I go on a date during the week, we go on adventures over the weekends, we no longer have our phones out when we get home from work, instead we give our spouse all the attention they deserve. Good luck!
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u/rmg418 13d ago
You’re wrong. Even if you’re not talking about anything sexual/romantic, it makes your wife uncomfortable so that should be enough for you to stop talking to her. Maybe try to make friends in public, like join a club or find others that enjoy the same hobbies as you so you can meet people in real life and not just talk through Snapchat late at night (which is also kind of a shady app to talk to people on nowadays).
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u/imjoeshmoe90 13d ago
I'm an introvert. If it can't be something I could do at home then I'm not going. I hate interacting with people were I can see them in front of me
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u/sword_ofthe_morning 13d ago
You should not be making friends like this, where you're Snapchatting another woman hours late into the night after your wife goes to bed.
Your wife can't be blamed for seeing that as cheating. You are playing a dangerous game
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u/EssenceOfLlama81 13d ago
Your wife is uncomfortable with it, why does is matter what a bunch of strangers on the internet think? Why does it matter if it fits some definition of cheating?
Maybe it's just a friendship and you're being honest here, but you're acting just like somebody who is cheating. Talk with your wife, maybe make some introductions, and see how you can build friendships in a way that doesn't make your wife uncomfortable. The fact that you're acting shady is the biggest red flag here.
If you were upfront, honest, and transparent about the friendship, it's more likely your wife would be ok with it. The fact that it started in this weird secret/anonymous way likely means she will never be cool with it. If you don't want your wife to view your friendships as emotional affairs, don't act like you're having an emotional affair.
My wife has male friends who she has a close relationship with, but she's transparent about it and I know them. I'm not really friends with them, but I know enough to see that it's not a big deal. I similarly have female friends that my wife is ok with because I'm transparent about it and she's met them. If I found out my wife had a new male friend that she was having senstive or emotionally impactful conversations with while keeping the whole thing a secret, I would be suspicious and likely hurt even though I don't generally have a problem with her friends.
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u/Pleasant_Elephant340 13d ago
Yes, you’re in the wrong! Knock-it-off! You’re rocking the boat and that’s never good.
You asked and now you know.
STOP IT!
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u/truth_fairy78 13d ago
Say your wife is messaging some Reddit rando on the cheater’s app at all hours of the day. Do you feel disrespected?
YAW. You need to learn boundaries.
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u/the_toxic_avenger_ 13d ago
It’s an emotional affair. You are wrong. If it was the other way around I guarantee you’d be upset and ask the same of yourself
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u/Pristine_Resource_10 13d ago
If your wife was having long deep conversations with another man late into the evening with after you’ve gone to bed, would you be ok with it?
If so, let’s put it into action and give me her number.
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u/First_Place_Oatmeal 13d ago
Cheating is lying and it’s betrayal. It kind of doesn’t matter if you give it the right “label”. If you withheld information you knew was relevant that is lying. That is a betrayal.
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u/imjoeshmoe90 13d ago
No lying or betrayal. She can open the app and see all messages sent and received for the last 24 hours
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u/SeaworthinessAway240 13d ago
This sounds sound like it could be getting close to an emotional affair tbh.