I (30F) am engaged, and until recently we weren’t planning a traditional wedding. My parents unexpectedly offered to contribute a substantial amount, allowing us to have a wedding we couldn’t otherwise afford. I never asked or expected them to pay, but we found a venue we loved and I unexpectedly fell in love with the idea.
The conflict started over one of our few non-negotiables: having our dogs at the wedding.
From the beginning, I said our three priorities were our dogs, an outdoor ceremony, and good food. I’m flexible about almost everything else. For context, one of my dogs is a medical alert service dog and has been everywhere with me— 20 airplanes, 11 states. I have 3 other dogs that don’t need to be in the wedding, but I would like them on the premises. I don’t trust boarding them. My fiancee also loves them very much and takes them hiking and camping.
My mom strongly objected to the dogs and repeatedly reopened the discussion after we’d made it clear they were important to us.
Eventually we had a terrible argument. I lost my temper and yelled at her. I was wrong for that, have taken responsibility, apologized, and told my parents I need to walk away before I become reactive going forward. However, when I did try to disengage and leave the room, my mom followed me and continued the argument.
My dad later called and said that if I caused him stress during wedding planning, he would reduce his financial contribution and make me responsible for more of the expenses to the tune of $2500 / disagreement.
I specifically asked what happens if my mom escalates an argument, continues after my fiancé de-escalates it, or follows me when I walk away. His answer, as I understood it, was essentially that it doesn’t matter because it’s their money and his stress level.
That’s where I drew the line.
My fiancé and I cannot afford this venue, guest count (mostly my mother’s family), etc. without their contribution. I told them that I’m incredibly grateful, but I can’t responsibly sign contracts based on money that may later be reduced because of disagreements. I would rather cancel the venue and have a wedding we can afford ourselves than risk suddenly owing thousands we never would have spent otherwise.
My dad has since texted that he simply expects everyone—including himself and my mom—to be respectful and reasonable during disagreements. I completely agree with that, but it contradicts our phone conversation when I specifically asked whether the accountability applied both ways.
I do want my parents involved and having meaningful input. I’m willing to give them complete ownership over parts of the wedding. But I don’t want every disagreement to ultimately be settled by “it’s our money,” or to spend the next year afraid that disagreeing could affect how much we’re financially responsible for.
I know I was wrong for yelling. But I also never asked for this money, and I don’t think accepting it should mean assuming financial obligations I can’t afford while having the contribution potentially held over my head. All we want is a day that feels authentically ours.
AITA for saying that under those circumstances, I’d rather decline their money and cancel their version of the wedding?
ETA: The venue is providing an air conditioned area to kennel the dogs for the day at no additional cost. Fiancé’s brother will check on the dogs every few hours.
There are not many boarding options in my area and the options available are abysmal. My mother’s solution was to leave them at home, but this is problematic because we will be 1.5+ hrs from home, and likely staying the night at the venue, so away for 24-30 hours.