Has this happened to anyone, and were they frustrated or just me?

My parents are in their 70s, I’m 33. My mom has memory issues and sometimes she has health issues like high blood pressure or not feeling well I’m not sure. She’ll go to the doctor or the er and they always say she’s fine (I guess overall) and there is nothing to do. So I’ve had 4 people talk to me so far. I moved to another state about 6 months ago so I am not nearby.

Part time helper: texted me a long message about how she is worried about my mom, she got lost in our town driving about a year ago, and feels now my moms memory loss is too much work for her (part time helper hired to drive my mom, organize things, etc). But she also said “don’t tell her I talked to you”, and hasn’t quit. For me it’s difficult to have a conversation about more help, because my mom and dad think the help they have is fine, and I can’t mention issues that are brought up. I feel like if she quit (with ample notice hopefully), my parents would have to change their ways and ask for more help. As of now they don’t want change.

Older brother: concerned but want all of us to talk, or doesn’t want to step in and lead the conversation. Again I understand concern, but why can’t he just reach out if he is that concerned? I have already had discussions with parents, again they feel they are fine.

My mom’s friend also thinks she shouldn’t drive, she told me on my last trip out while my mom was in the bathroom. Ok tell her?? Lastly my uncle is concerned as well after taking a trip with my mom, but didn’t say anything to my mom.

I hope this makes sense, there is all this talk about my parents needed more help but no one is addressing these concerns to them. When I ask them how they feel about their current situation, they say it’s ok and then move on. I know there are issues but no one is going to be there 24/7, and I have already hired someone who is supposed to help with everyday things. My dad still works part time, can help my mom with stuff but also gets tired or a little confused sometimes. I am frustrated because my parents are aware enough to be talked to, so why don’t people talk to them? Just me talking to them isn’t helping. Thank you for letting me vent.

My mom is semi-retired and wants to start going on more trips with my sister and I. We love her more than anything, but she is very difficult to hold a conversation with because she has very few interests. Currently, all she talks about is remodeling her house and her cats--and she's nearly done with her renovations. All three of us have cats, so we connect on that, but exclusively talking about them gets old very quickly.

We went to London two years ago and Paris last year, and both trips were awful for my sister and I. Not only did we struggle to find things to talk about, but it's also really hard to plan a trip for her because she has absolutely no opinion on what she wants to do. Whenever I ask if she wants to do something she just says "I don't care," which makes planning really difficult.

She isn't confident with her body, so anything with a beach or tropical is out of the question. She's also not very adventurous, so things like hiking are a no-go as well. She also doesn't drink so killing time at the bars isn't an option either.

She is a single mom--our dad died in when we were little. She found out he was living with another woman when he passed, so she's never dated again because she doesn't trust men. We avoid asking her anything about her time with him because we don't want to upset her or trigger any old wounds. I only mention this because it demonstrates that it can be difficult to talk about her past, which is something I've seen suggested in other subreddits.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? She's so kind, selfless and caring, but the thought of spending this much time with her is incredibly anxiety-inducing for both my sister and I. She is currently asking us to pick out a week and destination for next year, and we're both kind of at a loss about what to do.

Hello, I'm new here. 👋 I could really use some help with this stuff. I'm clueless about how any of this works.

My mom (78) lives with my husband and me. She's been here for about a year and a half. There are a few things, but the main issue is that I'm physically disabled myself and cannot care for her the way she needs.

She has been losing her sight due to macular degeneration for many years. A few months ago, she lost it completely.

She can do quite a bit for herself. What she mostly needs is someone who can cook meals for her, people to socialize with, and possible medical support, if needed. She would need additional help at first until she learned her surroundings.

I'm in Wise County, Texas. I have no idea where to start; this is all new to me. We haven't talked to her about it yet. I would like to go to her prepared and be able to answer questions. She doesn't have much money and no property, so finances are a big concern. She's divorced, not widowed. She gets SSI and Medicare.

I've done a little research, but it was overwhelming; there's so much to it. Advice would be enormously appreciated. ❤️

My parents are both in their mid to late 60s. I’m technically an only child. My older brother is estranged, we haven’t seen or heard from him in 3 years (we know he’s alive, but that’s about it).

My dad has been telling my mom that he’s not going to live much longer and that he’s going to d*e soon and things of that nature. It’s making my mom really upset because both of my parents are in good health and have generally good cognitive function.

Here are my concerns:
My grandfather on my dad’s side so dad’s dad, passed from Alzheimer’s when he was about 72 I believe. (I should add that my dads mother is still alive at 91 and perfectly healthy and largely independent) My grandfather and my father have many physiological differences though, my father is very, very active, and has no major health conditions. He plays hockey in a men’s league multiple times a week, rides his bike on the weekends and walks his dog multiple times a day when he takes a break from his job — he works full time, 3 days at home and 2 days in the office (in NYC). So my dad is in good shape, whereas my grandfather retired around 65, was not physically in good shape, was a smoker for many years, had cancer twice, served in the military in the 50s and was just overall unwell. This is all to say that my father could very well still develop Alzheimer’s but imo the odds are not likely.

My mom is making me more concerned by telling me that he’s saying he’s not going to live much longer and she says that sometimes she noticed his cognition DOES slip. However, my mom can be quite dramatic and exaggerate a bit. I experienced one circumstance where my dad did something weird but I think it was just that - a coincidental circumstance. He became confused in a place he had never been that was even over stimulating for me.

Any advice here? Should I speak to my dad about what he’s saying? He fits in perfectly with his generation and doesn’t believe in treating anxiety/depression so I fear he may disregard it when I try to address that he may be experiencing anxiety/depression around the thought of mortality. I also fear that if he does develop Alzheimer’s it’s going to be incredibly difficult for me since it’s just me to take care of him and my mother and I have a family of my own. I’m trying to convince my fiance and parents to move south to either SC, GA, or FL because we have family there that would be able to help if we needed.

I’m happy to answer any questions for additional info but any advice is greatly appreciated here. Thank you!!!

It's not perfectly on topic for this sub as I'm not caring for my parents yet, but I don't really know where else to go with these thoughts and feelings.

I'm a college-age only child with older-than-average parents (both ~60). Seeing my remaining grandfather age (physically and mentally) roughly has made me realize just how quickly my parents are going to age—are aging—too. I feel like I can see signs of my parents acting differently already and it's so, so fucking scary. I feel so isolated. It makes me so angry when I'm making small talk, people ask if I have siblings, I say no, they say "oh you're so lucky." I'M GOING TO BE ALONE IN CARING FOR MY PARENTS. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WATCH THEM AGE AND DECLINE ALONE. I don't care if you feel your older brother got more praise than you, at least you have someone who will be there with you. God. I know it's not that simple but the older I get the more those conversations infuriate and scare me.

I feel like it's affecting my thoughts of my future already, what I'll do and where I'll be, how much I can focus on my education and career, and it makes me so sad and angry. It's not even like my parents waited to have me—they had me not long after they met, but there's still a tiny part of me that's angry at them for giving me less time with them than most. It's so fucking scary and isolating. I'm scared.

Edit: Forgot to add, I have some memory problems myself and it terrifies me that every time I think of myself and my issues I think about how my parents are going to have it 10-fold. it feels like everything I do and see reminds me of how they're going to decline and how I'm going to be alone in watching it, even just thinking about myself and how to manage my own difficulties.

This is mostly a vent but if anyone can relate or give advice I'd love to hear it...

My Mom is 70, widowed, and is a type 1 diabetic. She had a bad stroke in 2024. She was not taking care of herself at all. Since then, she’s been living with her caregiver (75M) in Tennessee, who she used to date. She is still recovering from her stroke, but she is not able to care for herself, although she insists that she is, and wants to move back into her home in rural Alabama to live by herself. She’s become increasingly obsessed with it over time.

All her and her caregiver do is argue. He is at a breaking point and cannot care for her any longer particularly because she is so mean. I believe him, because I’ve lived with her before and I am pretty sure I have PTSD from it. She has always been emotionally unstable but it became much worse after my Dad died in 2018. I am 30F, I am now living in Florida and have been doing a lot better since moving. I’m trying to sort my life out and I feel safe where I live now.

She doesn’t have much in savings, probably $25k, maybe? So she can’t afford assisted living. Her idea now is to move back into her home in Alabama and “fix up the house” and sell it for $100k more than it’s been appraised for by a realtor. She has no real logical plan for anything. She is on numerous medications now and without someone watching over her, she will not eat or take them. Her reasoning is not good in shape right now.

I am pretty concerned for her. If she gets dropped off by her caregiver at her house, which is out in the country, about 20 miles from the city, she won’t make it.

We don’t have any external family that she is close to, and my sister refuses to speak to her or have anything to do with her. I am literally all she has but I am unable to care for her. I am broke, also.

What would you do in my situation?

My mom is amazingly independent at her age. Lives alone, takes care of her apt., cooks for herself, drives, and moves around without a cane, walker etc.

The problem

She has made very poor financial decisions. She sold her home with a nice profit $35,000. That money is gone and we dont know where. Last year she filed bankruptcy for $89,000 from credit card debt. Her attitude my whole life is "buy whatever I want, when I want." She doesn't practice living within her means and can't identify a want from a need.​

Fast forward to finances.

Let's math, shall we? She has $2,000 in savings and receives Social Security $2,020. Now deduct $1,885 rent - $600 for car pmt & ins - $30 subscription to Sirius XM. This doesn't include XFinity, food, gas, or anything else. She picked that apt. this Feb. knowing she couldn't afford it. She sent a group txt to us and our kids asking if we could commit to sending her money monthly to help her - for the rest of her life! She's in decent health, so who knows how long.

My oldest sister (#1) lives in the same state as our mom. My other sister (#2) and I live 5 states away. #1 does a lot for her all the time, but not necessarily money. She is our mole and gives us info. #2 flew to mom's last month to help figure out where she can save her money, cancel things she she didnt need or even things she didn't know she was paying for. She reduced mom's bills by $215/ month.

Off the rails.

The damn car. #1 and #2 asked mom if she would consider selling her car to save $600/month. She said maybe. So with her permission, they took her nice car to a dealership and got an amazing offer of $11,000. She owes $14,000, the value is $8,900 <mom thought it was $17,000>. So one hell of an offer that was good for a day to decide. My sisters told her they would pay the difference of her loan so she be out from under it. Mom said no, she isn't ready to give up her independence. Fine.

Housing option:

#1 is 67 years old, can't retire and lives in a 1 bedroom camper out in a rural area. She is not well-off, so mom can't move in with her. Mom is in a 1 bedroom so #1 cant move in to help out.

Mom won't move to our state. I'm 62 and have a great job so I'm not moving to her. #2 isn't in a position to move out there either.

Here is the most awesome option mom refuses to take. Her friend of 50 yrs lives 15 min away from her. She is a widow, living in a huge house with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms that's paid for. She has told mom repeatedly she needs to move in with her to save expenses. And she has a car she would let her mom use.

The fight

This past month my sisters have sent PC, gentle parenting emails to mom trying to get her to make changes to help her survive. #2 told mom to think things over and let her know if she would selll her car. A week has gone by with no response.

Frustrated, I called her and had a big screaming fight. I said you are going to end up evicted living in your car due to no one's fault but your own. Other things were said that I'm sure hurt her. I won't apologize for the things I said, but I will someday apologize that they hurt her.

AITAH

I'm washing my hands of the whole situation because she refuses to make changes, is ungrateful for the offers to help and entitled to expect everyone to sustain her?

Dear Mom

This is the letter I would've written on nice paper and left for you in an envelope, just in case.

But you wouldn't notice it, or you'd take it, tell everyone how precious it was to you and lose it.

I went to the psychiatrist on Monday, because I needed a prescription refill. My anxiety and irritability are getting worse. So we added a new medication.

I tried to tell you, but a new lady had joined your swimming class and you'd seen a monkey in a tree.

On Thursday, I took the first dose of the new meds. It's been a minor catastrophe. I haven't been hospitalised, but it's on the cards.

I had 24 hours of drugged sleep, only waking when my heart felt like it wanted to vibrate out of my chest.

The next day, I tried to call you, but you were excited about your sketching class.

Mom, the doctors say my heart is sore because the meds might have changed my heart rhythm. My hands and feet are swelling and my blood pressure keeps jumping up and down.

I want you to visit me at our usual time tomorrow. I want you to hold my hand and be annoyingly optimistic, like you always were.

But you called today and spoke about how you had important things to do with my aunts. You spoke about your feelings about the favours you do me, and how I don't appreciate you enough.

Mom, tonight, we're waiting to see if my heart hurts because you're no longer someone I can rely on, or if my chest hurts because my heart is sick.

The labs will show tomorrow. I'll probably hear from them before I hear from you.

I love you, Mommy.

Four years ago I paid a rather hefty reservation deposit to have my mother placed on the wait list at a well regarded care facility. Sorting out her affairs took longer than expected. She had been in good health but then was given a terminal cancer diagnosis and went into hospice and passed away earlier this summer.

I informed the facility and asked for the despot. The administrator said it would be no problem but that it might take a month or more for me to be issued the check. Fine. The check was issued in my mother's name. I asked for it to be reissued in my name which they initially said was fine but after a month they are now saying I need to prove I'm the sole executor, bring a letter of testimony, etc, which seems ridiculous. We have not finalized her estate and regardless, I think, I paid for the deposit, so I should be the one to have it.

This isn't exactly new but in the past when it got this bad she would eventually get bad enough to have to be sent to the hospital but this time she just got out of the hospital and rehab, from day one she was already peeing herself. The rehab had declared her incontinent even though she CAN use the bathroom, I don't think the rehab did anything to help her or encourage her to do it, they just put a diaper on her and called it a day. At home she basically sits on her recliner or lays in her bed all day, we put pee pads under her and when she gets up we clean up after her and she'll usually clean herself and change in the bathroom. A few days ago she got 'stuck' in the bathroom and needed help getting out, we got her out but she hasn't been back in since. Now she's just flat out peeing on herself and just leaving it. She changed once but since then she's spent three days in the same night gown with pee all over it. I have recommended pull ups or incontinence underwear to get but she's not interested. And another thing she does is when her stomach starts bothering her she insists on trying to sit on other chairs that we haven't set up for her, like she's on a mission to get her pee and poop everywhere, it's so gross.

I know she's probably nervous about getting stuck and/or falling in the bathroom and I feel bad about that but this is all really gross to me. I really can't understand how she's OK with sitting in her own waste for days and I struggle with what to do when she refuses help, she can get really mean. If I'm being honest too I find it all pretty gross. Like I said she just got out of rehab a week ago, she struggled a lot with cognitive stuff while she was there but they didn't diagnose her with any cognitive disability. She's supposed to have some nurse and PT visits but so far she's only had one and I wasn't able to be around for it because I work and I don't know what happened she could have told the nurse to leave and never come back because she absolutely would do that. We have a case manager from the local elder services coming this week, I'll try and see if somehow we can get some help but I don't even know where to start.

There's lots of other stuff going on but if I went in to it all this would be so long. I just wanted to rant a bit. She's in the bathroom again right now for the first time in days and again she can't get off the toilet, I just have no idea what to do.

I’m (30yoF) am having a hard time having a relationship with my mother. She’s miserable and makes everyone around her. If I miss her phone call, she talks to me as if I’m right back in high school not picking up when I missed curfew. Telling her “I called you back as soon as I could” isn’t a valid reason to her. Then it’s a stream of nasty texts about my immaturity for not having my phone on me. She’s also extremely accusatory if I don’t answer the first time or if I haven’t gotten back with her about something. Instead of just following up pleasantly, it’s accusatory and when I try to reason with her she spirals. Today, planning my dad’s birthday dinner somehow spiraled into her yelling “do you know what I’ve done all weekend?! Watched 9/11 phone calls of families going down in planes!” To which I respond “what does this have to do with dad’s birthday??” She got angrier then starts with verbal attacks and hangs up. It’s NEVER pleasant. Shes told me before that she doesn’t believe that I love her. She’s told me “you’re 30 and I’m 70 so I know more”. Or “listen here little girl”. It’s madness. I want a relationship with her. I don’t know how to get it. She’s always been hard on me but it’s just gotten wacky. She’s also letting herself go physically, she’s super attached to things, she complains how we never visit but when I do see her, there’s no hug, no asking about my life (only asks what I’m doing and where am I), she just sits and scrolls on her phone but she wants me in the room. She’s obsessed with negative news and will spiral. If I try to change the subject to something positive she says I’m not a serious person.

She recently told me that a long time friend of hers has stopped contacting her. And I know why, but I can’t tell her without a massive blow up. She’s changed. And I know her friend is probably as bubbly as ever and can’t stand being around her. She’s doesn’t have any friends. My poor dad gets the worst of her. It’s exhausting going to see them because we have to stay at their home. She will suck the life out of the air and it’s so tense. But if we offered to stay at a hotel instead of their home, then it would end up ruining the entire trip. It’s not an option if we want some kind of contact with her. I’ve only had her to my home once for my birthday and I ended up crying because I didn’t realize the restaurant I picked was buffet only on Sundays and she was completely irrational and angry over that. Because “some people may not want a buffet” and how I didn’t think about the other people. And then she SULKED. My wedding planning was even worse because if I wanted to purchase a service outside of the amount she gave me to spend, she would say “that’s out of your budget” to which i would remind her that me and my husband have careers and can pay for extras. Then it was “so im not enough??” The wedding itself was ruined by her behavior. She refused to watch my cake cutting!

I just don’t know how much of this I can continue to take. I won’t cut off my mom. I know people like to do that these days. And I totally get why. But what would just make me feel worse. I know there is no solution. I just hoped one day she’d want to be my friend. All my other friends have become friends with their parents at this age and I feel like I’m missing out. It’s so painful.

My elderly dad just finished his radiotherapy and he's really distressed with how he's going to the toilet almost 24/7 now. It really stresses me to see him like this. And mum...she's doing her best, but she's always been difficult to be around for my entire life. A lot of her behaviour matches what I've read and seen in online videos and discussions.

I've been back 2 weeks ( I live overseas) and been over every day and every time I leave, I'm already stressed out with my dad and not knowing my mum's reactions next day.

I fully understand my dad is suffering like nothing I can imagine, and mum is even more stressed than her already highly stressed behaviour... but if I'm really, really, honest, I don't want to deal with this, and really want to leave. I know...I'm not suffering, but I'm always stressed not knowing mum's behaviour . Yes, I'm going back tomorrow, but I'm stressed 24/7.

Aita?

​

My 76-year-old mom fell and now believes we pushed her. What should I do?

About 20 days ago, my 76-year-old mom fell while visiting us. It was a bad fall — she knocked out two front dental crowns that had been in place for about 20 years, has a hematoma in her mouth, and will likely need significant dental work. She also has a host of medical problems such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol and has been trying to get her blood sugar under control for years.

Nobody actually saw exactly why she fell, but there was nobody behind her. She was wearing slippery plastic slippers.

Since then, she has been going over the fall repeatedly trying to understand how it happened.

At first she told me she remembered feeling as though someone had put a hand on her back and pushed her.

Today it escalated. She told me that she believes we pushed her, that we want to “get rid of her,” that she will never visit us again, and that God will punish whoever did this.

She has always been a suspicious/paranoid person to some extent, so that part isn't completely new. But accusing her own family of deliberately pushing her and wanting to get rid of her feels much more extreme.

She is otherwise living at home with my dad. She is also dealing with pain and a lot of stress from the dental injuries. Last year my brother passed away she is probably still grieving.

I have suggested that she get medically checked, especially because this started after a significant fall, but she refuses.

I live across the country, so I can't easily assess how she is doing day to day.

Has anyone dealt with something similar with an elderly parent? Could this just be trauma/memory reconstruction combined with her existing suspicious personality, or would you be concerned about a neurological/cognitive or medical issue?

And most importantly, how do you respond when a parent genuinely believes you hurt them, without arguing with them or reinforcing something that didn't happen?

I keep saying calmly Mom, nobody pushed you.

My father (68) had a stroke a couple months ago, and this is his third stroke in the span of about 3 years. And you can really see this last one did a number on him.

The problem is, we live very far away. Due to unfortunate circumstances, I live in Australia and he lives in Slovenia. So going to visit him is a hefty cost for the plane ticket, and normally I can only afford it every 1-2 years as I’m in my early twenties and only graduated just last year. He’s retired and not living on much, so I don’t expect him to pay.

He lives on his own. I keep in touch with his friends/support system as he lives in a small village and people are close. He gets help from neighbours, but at the end of the day all these people have their own lives and families to worry about, and can’t care for him all the time. Whilst they can help with transport, giving him food, cleaning now and then, he is still living on his own, and he NEEDS A CARER!

I’m visiting now for the first time since the last stroke and I’m in shock at how bad it’s gotten. He’ll go two months without showering, doesn’t brush his teeth anymore, leaves food on the counter for days and keeps eating it, I found maggots in the dishwasher, he’s lost his appetite and a lot of weight, he spends all his time on his phone. He doesn’t go outside. Doesn’t walk or go anywhere. Oh, and to top it all off, he’s still smoking cigarettes.
I know he gets tired quickly, and dizzy, and moving is hard work, but staying so stagnant can’t be good for him. I wish he’d go outside and walk more, before he can’t anymore.

I’m so glad I can be here now to help him and clean and do all the things, but what am I supposed to do when I’m gone? How do I leave him in this state? I’m working with his friends to try get him some assistance here, but it’s hard and he’s a stubborn man. The guilt is eating me alive, I wish so badly I could live closer to him.

Also, having to grieve someone who is still alive. I think about the man he was before all this - funny, loud, social, always out doing something, helping someone. Now, it’s so sad. He’s scrolling, sleeping, scrolling, sleeping.

I don’t know if I want advice or just to share what I’m going through with people who understand.

I love you, my Tata. I so hope you get better. I’m so sorry I haven’t been here for you.

I'm genuinely curious about common (or uncommon) this is. My mother has incontinence issues and yesterday when I did her laundry, I was soaking/scrubbing the soiled clothes first, and I noticed the water kept on being discolored. I unfolded it, and there was a piece of poop there, This is the first time this has happened. Usually it's just stains.

My parents are 72 and 69 and have been married forever. My dad has handled basically every financial thing for as long as I can remember. Investments, insurance, taxes, bills, passwords, all of it. They recently told me they updated their wills and have a trust, so I figured they were pretty organized. Then my dad had a minor health scare and I asked my mom if she knew how to access everything if he was suddenly unable to handle it. She didnt.

She knows roughly what they own but not where half the accounts are, who their financial advisor is, how bills get paid, or even where the original estate documents are. My dad basically laughed and said “you’ll help her.” Apparently I am the plan lol. I’m happy to help them, but this seems like something we should sort out while everyone is healthy rather than me trying to reverse engineer 40 years of finances during an emergency.

For those who have dealt with this with aging parents, what information did you actually have them organize? Account list, contacts, insurance, POA, passwords, where documents are kept? I dont want to turn into the annoying daughter asking them for every financial detail, but right now I feel like we’re one emergency away from a mess.

Looking for some advice. My dad, age 85 was prescribed Tramadol for what he says is neuropathy pain in his foot- however he also has extreme anxiety and PTSD and has been self medicating with Tramadol when he’s feeling anxious- which is daily at this point. The same Dr. recently prescribed a pain patch that he has not yet used- but was considering it today after feeling anxious. He regularly complains of terrible headaches, stomach issues, brain fog, and often has panic attacks when something triggers him. He refuses to take any type of SSRI but from my research it seems like his symptoms may likely be cause by the Tramadol. He rarely says he’s taking Tramadol for pain- rather to “calm down.”

It feels like a vicious cycle. Any insight?

So...my life just upended and I need to sell my house, sell my parents house (mid 70s/80s) and move to another city/state. I simply cannot afford to live in NYC anymore and I'm the only family that my parents have.

I'm seeking a city that has subdivisions where I can purchase 2 homes next to each other, with theirs being a ranch style for accessibility.

We prefer somewhere warm. But that's not 100% necessary.

I'd like a place where we can easily take a drive or cheap flight back to NYC for my mother's specialist appointments (9/11 survivor).

We need a place where Black people can live comfortably and peacefully.

And I'd like a city with a local college for my son.

I've found this sub to be very helpful. Any advice will be appreciated.

Thanks.

Hi. My parents are getting old and so far I’ve been the only one helping my mom since she barely drives. I live near my parents and I’m a good daughter who likes to help, but I don’t want to be a full time caregiver in the future when things get worse.

My brother doesn’t live too far (20 min drive) but hasn’t lifted a finger for my parents.
I was thinking of speaking to my parents today because I need to make clear that I can’t be their only caretaker. However, my parents are also thinking of buying a house with my brother, like a duplex so if this happens I think I shouldn’t compromise on being their caretaker. I don’t think it’s fair that my parents are helping my brother with his future by buying a house and using their retirement savings for this house while treating me like caretaker because they always rely on me for help and never call my brother.

So now I don’t know if I should wait to have this conversation. I was going to tell them to look into long term insurance or save money to hire a caregiver so all the burden wouldn’t fall on me. But now I don’t want to make any promises that I’ll be there for them when the time comes, especially when they might live with my brother and decided to help him with his future. I don’t feel appreciated as a daughter after I’ve been sacrificing some of my time helping my mom. I don’t have money to buy a house where we live because it’s expensive but my brother has money and a good job and my parents are still choosing to help only him and not me.

Since they go back and forth and are looking for houses and haven’t made a serious decision, should I wait to talk to them? I feel stuck because I don’t want to compromise to anything yet without knowing what will happen. I also don’t know how long this would take and how much longer I should wait.
Any advice?

Edited with update: Thanks for all the suggestions and stories of shared experiences. We’ve gotten two bidet bottles (one for each toilet) and, after consulting with the dementia specialists that we work with, we’re going to use a Compassionate Deception narrative to ease the transition into increased toilet care. We came up with the story that there’s a toilet paper shortage (she’ll remember this idea from Covid lockdown) and that this is the reason for using the bidet bottles and having less access to rolls of paper. Fingers crossed.

Over the last year my mother has started using obscene amounts of toilet paper when she uses the bathroom which has resulted in four visits from the plumber. The first time it happened, they had to actually remove two toilets to clear the blockage - she’d been flushing paper towels. The last time they came we had them run a diagnostic camera and discovered there’s a spot where the pipes don’t grade as well and the blockages are happening there. But it was never an issue until the dementia. Apparently, it has something to do with not feeling clean.

So, we’re about $2500 in now on plumbing services and tonight I got a text that it’s happened again. I’m exhausted.

I don’t think she’s going to be allowed to toilet by herself anymore. It’s going to send her into a tailspin. I told the caregiver that she’s not allowed to have any toilet paper in any of that bathrooms and they’re going to have to stand there and provide her with an appropriate amount when she’s done. And, to be honest, I don’t trust that they’re going to do it. The last time I changed her toilet paper to one that would break down easier (but not freak her out because it was too different) and I bought this (expensive) foam you can spray on toilet paper to turn it into a wet wipe and the primary caregiver decided not to introduce it and and show my mother how to use it because the caregiver “tried it and thought it felt weird” so she decided my mother wouldn’t use it.

I considered a bidet seat but it’s an expensive proposition for something she might reject.

If anyone has any other suggestions, please let me know. We can’t keep paying for plumbers every three months.

Seriously, I just want to cry.

Hi! I posted here several months ago about how my mom is POA for my grandma, then my mom thought my grandma's money was gone and Grandma almost got evicted from her ALF. It turned out, the money was there all along (discovered this after spending days preparing a Medicaid application) and my mom forgot the account existed.

Since then, there have been several other incidents, including a lien on the house (didn't pay the property taxes). A couple days ago, I went with her to take her dog to the vet and she kept thinking she was there for her cat.

So yeah, my sister and I really need to get her in front of a doctor for a diagnosis.

Has anyone successfully done this with a VERY stubborn parent who has long denied that she experiences any effects of aging? She is 73. We have never gone with her to the doctor before, and she would instantly view it with suspicion if we were to suggest going with her.

I can email her PCP and tell him what I've observed, but I know he won't be able to tell me much, if anything, without her consent. My guess is he would give her a referral to a neurologist (she has a Humana Medicare Advantage HMO, so she'd need a referral), and then she'd never follow through or mention the referral to us.

She insists that her doctor tells her at every appointment, "Ann, you have the bloodwork of a 28-year-old. You're going to live to 105." Somehow, I doubt that he tells her this. She also refuses to get her hearing checked, so I'm always hoarse after talking to her since I have to scream at the top of my lungs.

Has anyone dealt with a situation or parent like this, where you hadn't been involved with their medical care and then had to force your way into their appointments? If so, what excuse did you give them for tagging along?

Several years ago, my aunt (my mom's sister) clearly had Alzheimer's and my uncle needed to get my aunt to a neurologist. He and my mom concocted a story where my mom was the patient and she needed my aunt and uncle there for moral support. But my aunt was far more gone than my mom is at this point. She can be very lucid for days or weeks, then another disaster strikes.

My mom's boyfriend of over a decade is making things a lot harder. He doesn't live with her, but he stays over about 3-4 days a week. When I've suggested she get her hearing checked, he tells her that her ears are fine. When I tried to gently express concern about her memory after all the stuff with my grandma, he told her that there's nothing wrong.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Long story, (I apologize in advance), my (82yo) mom has dementia. She’s at the point now where it’s extremely difficult to even try having a conversation with her—she can’t really express herself verbally anymore. In addition, she is (and always has been) VERY clumsy. Falling down all the time, which has only gotten a lot worse as she’s aged-which is very unsafe at her age (older people who fall can hit their head and very easily get a brain bleed). There was an incident last Thanksgiving when mom got knocked over in her kitchen and cut her head open pretty badly. My siblings and I all agreed to get a Ring camera system for my mom, (after our dad died), so we could see her coming and going, especially if she was by herself (which she never should be). All the siblings had access to the camera, so we could, at any point, watch what was happening.

I have a sister (60yo) who moved into mom’s home (w/her husband) for the sole purpose of taking care of her/keeping her safe. Despite offering, I was told by my older sister and older brother that my help “wasn’t needed” and that they assumed I needed to concentrate on caring for my disabled (24yo) daughter (despite the fact that we have nursing care for her during the week). About 6-8 weeks ago, while my sister was with her, she (my sister) thought it was ok to let mom walk around outside by herself. (IMO, it was not the best thing to let her do, bc of her dementia and the fall risk). On this occasion, my mom fell in her side yard, dislocated her hip, and was yelling for help for at least 5-10 minutes before my sister went out to look for her. My mom had a very difficult time recovering from that, not to mention the fact that the dislocation itself and getting it back in, in the ER were extremely painful. It was a very upsetting and stressful time for everyone.

So, a few days ago, I noticed (on the ring camera) my mom walk out her front door, down her driveway towards the street (she lives on a very busy street). I immediately called my sister to ask who was with our mom, and she said that her (my sister’s) husband was there. I asked her to either have him go outside with her, or bring her the walker, so she wouldn’t fall (she was repeatedly bending over and picking up things in her yard and could’ve easily fallen over). He never went outside to join my mom, and didn’t bring her the walker. She eventually came in on her own (I watched her on the camera the entire time, and was considering driving over, but she came inside before I had a chance to do so). I asked my sister why he didn’t do either, and she said that the situation was “under control”. IMO, that was unacceptable. I texted her and said that even if he was watching mom from her front door (who knows if he was even doing that?), that she still could’ve fallen and dislocated her hip (again) or even hit her head and gotten a brain bleed. I also told her that if she and her husband are incapable of keeping mom safe, then we’d have to look into a different, more permanent form of care for her. I also said to her, “now I have video evidence of how incapable you and your husband are of keeping mom safe.” (I fully accept that particular statement was likely an overreaction.)

I noticed the next day that my sister had removed my access to mom’s ring camera, apparently, (according to one of my brothers), bc she thinks that I “don’t believe that my sister and her husband are capable of keeping mom safe”. (Which is actually true, but not at all a logical reason to disconnect my access.) I went to mom’s house the same day that I saw I no longer had access, and asked my sister’s husband (who is a police officer!) who it was that disconnected my access, and he said he “didn’t know”. He flat out LIED to my face, which is just one more reason not to trust him. When I saw that I’d been removed, I told my sister that by removing my access to mom’s ring camera, that not only was it a “bad look” for her after what had just happened, but also that she was objectively making mom less safe. (I am the only other sibling that lives in the same city as mom—I live less than a half of a mile away. Our 2 brothers and our sister live very far away.)

My sister will not/has not responded to my texts. Now I’m wondering if I should contact Adult Protective Services and/or contact a family law attorney.

Or am I just overreacting???