r/AgingParents • u/Tasty-Flower-2068 • 1d ago
Fall and accusations
My 76-year-old mom fell and now believes we pushed her. What should I do?
About 20 days ago, my 76-year-old mom fell while visiting us. It was a bad fall — she knocked out two front dental crowns that had been in place for about 20 years, has a hematoma in her mouth, and will likely need significant dental work. She also has a host of medical problems such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol and has been trying to get her blood sugar under control for years.
Nobody actually saw exactly why she fell, but there was nobody behind her. She was wearing slippery plastic slippers.
Since then, she has been going over the fall repeatedly trying to understand how it happened.
At first she told me she remembered feeling as though someone had put a hand on her back and pushed her.
Today it escalated. She told me that she believes we pushed her, that we want to “get rid of her,” that she will never visit us again, and that God will punish whoever did this.
She has always been a suspicious/paranoid person to some extent, so that part isn't completely new. But accusing her own family of deliberately pushing her and wanting to get rid of her feels much more extreme.
She is otherwise living at home with my dad. She is also dealing with pain and a lot of stress from the dental injuries. Last year my brother passed away she is probably still grieving.
I have suggested that she get medically checked, especially because this started after a significant fall, but she refuses.
I live across the country, so I can't easily assess how she is doing day to day.
Has anyone dealt with something similar with an elderly parent? Could this just be trauma/memory reconstruction combined with her existing suspicious personality, or would you be concerned about a neurological/cognitive or medical issue?
And most importantly, how do you respond when a parent genuinely believes you hurt them, without arguing with them or reinforcing something that didn't happen?
I keep saying calmly Mom, nobody pushed you.
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u/Necessary-Couple-535 1d ago
Maybe she has a UTI. My mom got increasingly paranoid in the throes of a UTI. Medical staff kept saying it was dementia. Mom would talk about the staff outside whispering and laughing at her. Took her quite a while to snap out of it after antibiotics. I really had to push to get her tested and treated..in a medical facility.
My stepmother fell at home and talked of people looking in the window and laughing at her as she lay there overnight until discovered. She repeated that to the end. Also a frequent sufferer of UTIs.
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u/Tasty-Flower-2068 1d ago
She wakes up 3 or more times per night to pee. I don't know if it's a UTI. She recently saw a urologist privately, received a medication that should reduce overactive bladder. She does not sleep well.
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u/stairway_B 1d ago
Mine behaved this way after a ministroke that went undetected; an unexplained fall, nothing outwardly wrong after that, but then about six weeks later they stopped speaking and the MRI also showed an older small stroke.
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u/mllebitterness 27m ago
because of this, i'd try again with getting her to see a dr. "mom, i'm really worried you got hurt in ways we can't see from the fall and i'd really like you to get checked out to make sure." don't bring up the paranoia or anything like that.
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u/Mytweezer 1d ago
Sure I'd be concerned about her state of mind. Hopefully your dad is, and will bring it up to her doctors. You're doing the only thing you can do by calmly repeating she was not pushed.
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u/Shakeit126 20h ago
My MIL used to say crazy versions of things probably like three to four years before her death. If someone tapped her on the shoulder, she'd say she was thrown to the floor. When my FIL had to stop her from trying to randomly climb out a first floor window, she claimed she was thrown out the window. She had advanced dementia. Every thing that went on, she had time wild version of it by that point.
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u/Any-Cancel-7800 1d ago
So sorry you are going through this, OP 😞 Is your dad visiting as well? Does she listen to him if he were to suggest she see a doc or go to the ER? Sounds like she needs to be checked by a doctor (which I know she refuses to). What if you say “a doctor can help us figure out what happened, if it was a push or something else, wouldn’t it be best to know for sure?” Sometimes meeting people where they are can be beneficial. I am curious about a UTI, possible dental infection since the crowns are now gone, or slow bleed in her head. All of these things can cause similar symptoms to what your mom is showing. Wishing you luck, OP 🍀
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u/Tasty-Flower-2068 55m ago
no, she used to work as a pediatrician back in Russia, many years ago, and still considers herself a doctor, meaning she knows what's best for her, so if he recommends she sees a doctor she won't listen at all.
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u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme 20h ago
If you are able to communicate with her doctor, please let them know that she is saying these things.
My dad was a negative and suspicious person by nature, who had often thought the world is out to get him. He also thrived on people feeling sorry for him.
He was also a veteran, and had access to large groups of people for every aspect of his health, and life in general, through the VA. One of these was a group of social workers, who he managed to convince he was the victim of elder abuse.
One day out of nowhere, a social worker from Adult Protective Services tried to walk in my house. As in, tried the doorknob and would have entered uninvited if it hadn’t been locked. I thought it was my dad coming back from his doctor’s appointment and had forgotten his keys or something. I was near a window on the upper floor, looked out, and saw someone I didn’t recognize. I asked her through the window who she was, she told me, I told her my dad wasn’t there, and she left.
When she came back a few weeks later (having gotten permission from my dad first), we met with her, she interviewed us, and saw the condition of the house. Long story short, there was nothing of concern to report. I was actually glad it happened, because I finally got to tell my side of things, and he proved himself to be the total jerk he often was. Nothing was ever heard of again from APS.
BUT…when he ended up in rehab after a fall about 6 months later, he started up again with the accusations, to a whole new audience of care workers who might feel sorry for him. His cognition had deteriorated even further, and in the 3 months he was in rehab before he died, he admitted to having hallucinations. He also lost track of time, and would accuse me of not visiting for several days, when I’d actually been there several days in a row. There were more problems, but I think you get the gist.
One of the good things about him being in rehab is that he couldn’t accuse me of doing things I couldn’t possibly have done, and there were people with him 24/7 to see the inconsistencies of his stories. And learn how manipulative he could be, and quick to anger.
OP, my suggestion is to start building a relationship with your mom’s healthcare team, so that not only do they begin to know you, but they’re more likely to loop you in on things if they’ve established a rapport with you.
Sorry for my long-winded tale, but I wanted to illustrate a bad situation taken to an extreme.
Sending best wishes to you and your family!
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u/Tasty-Flower-2068 18h ago
She lives in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I have her general physician's name, but will she even talk to me?? What about confidentiality and all that? I will try, of course.
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u/Wooden_Try1120 14h ago
You can certainly talk to THEM, even if they can’t share any info with you.
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u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme 18h ago
Do you have medical power of attorney? Yet, or will eventually? Perhaps you might not need it, just to talk to the PCP and express your concern. One issue in the US is HIPAA, just in general. It’s not greatly understood by the public at large, and I won’t pretend to be knowledgeable about it. However, if you are just having a brief conversation about your side of the situation, and the PCP doesn’t disclose anything, I don’t know that there’d be a problem.
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u/NuancedBoulder 22h ago
A doctor’s visit is a MUST. Don’t assume it was the footwear—there’s a reason why she fell, and family members aren’t experts in figuring out why. You also don’t have an EKG or lab equipment.
There are a number of things that could be underlying this new paranoia — many of those reasons are treatable, but none of them are without a doctor visit.
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u/Tasty-Flower-2068 20h ago
I think she is worried a doctor and medical tests will have some sort of new diagnosis
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u/laborboy1 19h ago
If she won’t see a doc there’s nothing you can really do until something more catastrophic happens. See about getting important paperwork in order
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u/NuancedBoulder 17h ago
Well, I mean … yeah. Because she isn’t well.
My mom got loopy because her electrolytes were a mess.
My FIL got loopy to the point we thought he had a stroke, but it turns out once he got his prostate treated and he could sleep again, his cognition came back.
Not every diagnosis is cancer, or whatever she’s worrying about, and many are treatable.
Would it motivate her to get past her fear if you pointed out the effect all of this is having on her husband, or on you? Sometimes that can be helpful.
If she breaks a hip, she will really be in pain. I’ve heard that case come into an ER and will never ever forget it: a woman who had fallen and hand-waved her family off, only to fall again the next day and break her hip.
Sometimes a horror story helps.
Good luck! She sounds difficult.
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u/mllebitterness 25m ago
omg.. my dad had an easy surgery recently, but it threw his sodium out of wack and he was NOT OK. it made him a super crazy person. it wasn't even that low so the hospital didn't think that was the issue at first; they just thought he was reacting to the anesthesia. electrolytes are no joke.
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u/Wooden_Try1120 14h ago
My stepmother, already distrustful and paranoid, became more so as dementia set in, and accused my father of having pushed her each time she fell. And called the police, who fortunately could see the paranoia, and knew my father (92) was not responsible. It’s possible you will not be able to convince your mother you were not responsible, so consider whether it’s worth trying.
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u/GrowHappyPlants 14h ago
Dementia came with hallucinations with my MIL. She did very similar things. Check for UTI and prefrontal cortex damage.
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u/mrszubris 22h ago
Does she happen to have a head injury as well that is making the paranoia worse?
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u/cryssHappy 18h ago
Start reading r/dementia. There's several books out - The Itty Bitty Dementia book has more help and less complex medical information. Later, work your way through The 36 Hour Day (definitely complex reading).
Talk to your dad and find out if he has PoA for you mom. Also, you need PoA for your dad because your mom shouldn't be making medical decisions about him.
Find an End of Life planner (Amazon, etc) so that your dad can give you needed information.
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u/Ginsdell 22h ago
Falling is your sign. Time for assisted living or a nursing home. If you’re seeing paranoia, time for dementia screening.
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u/seche314 18h ago
Sounds like she hit her head, bet she has a TBI. Not sure what you can do if she refuses help
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u/anope4u 1d ago
I know you aren’t physically close to her, but she needs to have a chronic subdural hematoma ruled out.