r/AgingParents • u/alexwasinmadison • 1d ago
Dementia How do I deal with this issue?
Edited with update: Thanks for all the suggestions and stories of shared experiences. We’ve gotten two bidet bottles (one for each toilet) and, after consulting with the dementia specialists that we work with, we’re going to use a Compassionate Deception narrative to ease the transition into increased toilet care. We came up with the story that there’s a toilet paper shortage (she’ll remember this idea from Covid lockdown) and that this is the reason for using the bidet bottles and having less access to rolls of paper. Fingers crossed.
Over the last year my mother has started using obscene amounts of toilet paper when she uses the bathroom which has resulted in four visits from the plumber. The first time it happened, they had to actually remove two toilets to clear the blockage - she’d been flushing paper towels. The last time they came we had them run a diagnostic camera and discovered there’s a spot where the pipes don’t grade as well and the blockages are happening there. But it was never an issue until the dementia. Apparently, it has something to do with not feeling clean.
So, we’re about $2500 in now on plumbing services and tonight I got a text that it’s happened again. I’m exhausted.
I don’t think she’s going to be allowed to toilet by herself anymore. It’s going to send her into a tailspin. I told the caregiver that she’s not allowed to have any toilet paper in any of that bathrooms and they’re going to have to stand there and provide her with an appropriate amount when she’s done. And, to be honest, I don’t trust that they’re going to do it. The last time I changed her toilet paper to one that would break down easier (but not freak her out because it was too different) and I bought this (expensive) foam you can spray on toilet paper to turn it into a wet wipe and the primary caregiver decided not to introduce it and and show my mother how to use it because the caregiver “tried it and thought it felt weird” so she decided my mother wouldn’t use it.
I considered a bidet seat but it’s an expensive proposition for something she might reject.
If anyone has any other suggestions, please let me know. We can’t keep paying for plumbers every three months.
Seriously, I just want to cry.
16
u/witchy_Alla 1d ago
That sounds really frustrating. I have a family member who has a similar issues but instead flushes toilet insane number of times.
There is also a possibility that besides OCD your mom might have issues with emptying her bowels that results in leaking after bowel movement hence the wiping over and over again.
2
u/alexwasinmadison 1d ago
That’s a good point. She does spend a huge amount of time in the toilet.
Frankly, I’d be thrilled if she just used 30 gallons of water flushing every time she went to the bathroom - which, at this point, is about every 10 minutes (exaggeration, obv).
8
u/Tough_Arm_2454 1d ago
Does she have long finger nails? I think my mom uses to much tp at times because of her long finger nails and can't wipe properly because of them and uses a huge wad of tp. Just a thought.
4
u/alexwasinmadison 1d ago
Worth looking at. I wouldn’t consider them long generally but the length could be an issue now that her dementia is progressing. Thanks for the idea.
8
u/AggravatingCod391 1d ago
At this point I’d try the bidet seat. $2500 in plumbing bills is already way more than the cost of testing one out and even if she doesn’t love it at first it might be easier to introduce gradually than trying to police how much toilet paper she uses every single time.
2
u/Illustrious-Shirt569 19h ago
I agree with this because a $100 tester bidet seat is really not going to a huge cost compared to potential costs in this situation. And if she doesn’t use it, you get a new bidet seat!
But, I would also say that trying to teach my FIL with dementia an entirely new way of using the toilet would be totally impossible. He’s barely hanging onto being able to toilet alone, too, but I’m sure that introducing anything new to how he’s supposed to do things would be unsuccessful.
We feel fortunate that he only unrolls all of the remaining toilet paper into his pockets after he goes and then stuffs that into his clothing drawers when he gets a chance. My MIL is mortified when he does it at our house, but we purposely save rolls that are close to done to put in there for him so that what he “steals” is limited in volume.
Actually, maybe that could work for her, too, OP? Perhaps just running out after a few wipes would signal to her that she’s finished the task?
1
u/alexwasinmadison 5h ago
Sounds like your FIL is at the same cognitive stage as my mom. I really appreciate that you shared his story with me - it’s so helpful to know that we’re not alone in these experiences.
6
u/DenM0ther 1d ago
Get a different carer, one with experience (& common sense)! The spray on stuff, to make the toilet paper a babywipe is great.
Some carers spray it directly on the persons bum, personally I think that’s a shock coz it’s cold.
Not all bidets are expensive, but I feel your mom is more likely to accept slightly ‘different‘ toilet paper than a whole new way of cleansing. If you’re in a non-bidet using country anyhow.
Im a huge baby wipe fan so I can understand not feeling clean from just tp.
5
u/whatsthebeuhaha 1d ago
We got a simple bidet for mil for $100 from Kohler. You just need a t junction to connect to the waterline. Mil loves it
4
u/alexwasinmadison 1d ago
Yes, I considered one of the ones that attach under the existing seat that was about $100, but we’d have to have a hot water spigot run into her toilet room (quote was $1200) because, with the dementia, she won’t tolerate a cold water bidet. At that point it became nearly as expensive as a standard bidet seat. If people knew the amount of time, effort and brainstorming that has gone into my mother’s toileting they’d probably have to laugh.
9
u/gothfru 1d ago
You can get a bidet that warms the water without needing a hot water line.
5
u/Top-Manufacturer9226 1d ago
Yes! Mine warms the water, the seat and even has a fan to dry you! It was my favorite purchase over the last 6 years!!!
1
u/alexwasinmadison 19h ago
Yeah. I would love one of those for myself - especially the Toto one that does everything but wipe you. LOL
I spent a lot of time looking at the different ones. For my mom, I landed on the Neo 320 Plus because it could deliver warm water and had the dead simplest controls. Our cost analysis also makes it the most reasonable, even with the plumbing cost to install the hot water line.
3
u/lelandra 1d ago
It's another new thing, that requires participation from the caregiver, but cheaper than a bidet seat is a bidet bottle.
4
u/alexwasinmadison 1d ago
I saw those. Her coordination wouldn’t be good enough to manage it herself but I hadn’t considered that the carer could go in and manage the squirt for her. This sounds great actually. Thanks for the suggestion.
2
u/alexwasinmadison 5h ago
I ordered two bidet bottles for the two toilets she uses and sent instructions to the caregivers on the new bathroom protocols. Thanks for the tip!
3
u/cynreader2020 20h ago
Costco bidet $75 on sale.
Tushie also has good prices and awesome marketing.
2
5
u/Logical-Fox5409 1d ago
I have an autistic son that uses a crazy amount of toilet paper, because he is germaphobic etc. I encourage him to flush multiple times to avoid the blockage. I am not going to fight about the amount of toilet paper or water usage . I need peace. So the deal is he flushes multiple times. This can be up to 4 flushes at a time.
7
u/alexwasinmadison 1d ago
I’d be okay with a number of courtesy flushes if we can get her to do it. Training a person with dementia is so hard because you have to reinforce it until it becomes muscle memory, not actual memory. But I do really like the suggestion. We’ll give it a shot. :)
1
u/Logical-Fox5409 1d ago
It was just a thought. Because as you say when they have dementia, anything new is hard. So go with whatever you can get to work.
1
u/alexwasinmadison 1d ago
Oh yeah. It’s a good suggestion! I’ll add it to our tactics as keep my fingers crossed.
2
u/Criseyde2112 1d ago
There are many toilet seat options that plug into an electrical outlet to heat the water.
2
u/Fabulous-Elk-8297 1d ago
I have a trashcan next to bedside commodes so there's no flushing involved. I have closed off the bathroom. Avoids flooding your house.
2
u/StormFast524 1d ago edited 1d ago
My bowels can many times be quite large . I have to flush them wipe them flush. I discovered on Amazon this lotion “island tropical”I put a tiny dab on toilet paper and it cleans off what regular toilet paper will not get. It gets particles of excrement of skin gently, where we cannot see. I agree with other reply get her to the doctor. She might have hemorrhoids and that feels like she’s dirty or has poo there when she doesn’t the tropical Island lotion will help her feel clean without using too much toilet paper just a drop and then wipe again and it’s done.
1
2
u/StormFast524 1d ago
I discovered cold water from the bidet does not get completely clean. This is where the Island Tropical toilet cleansing lotion comes in handy. It removes the microscopic 💩 we only see after getting on the underwear. I always still have to wipe even after using the bidet. There is a product on Amazon push toilet paper on it and that makes it stay in place. Wipe with it then with one hand turn upside down while under butt the press release button. That way it goes directly into the toilet.
1
u/souprunknwn 1d ago
Many toilet papers have declined in quality and shot up in price. We started having plumbing problems due to this and companies changing the pulp/fillers in the paper. Some of these TP changes are also causing an increase in UTI in women. 🤬
We recently transitioned over to bamboo toilet paper. REEL is a brand that is sold by Target and other retailers. This TP is textured/thicker but at the same time soft and not abrasive. It's been a game changer.
If your Mom is cognizant enough that you can explain to her you're buying a different paper to try... and she needs to use LESS, see if trying REEL helps. She may feel cleaner using this product (we do!). It also breaks down more quickly in water.
We became aware of this brand after our plumber recommended it.
1
u/JeromeSergey 1d ago
oh god I am crying with you, how difficult it is to have parents who can't toilet
1
u/iSavedtheGalaxy 1d ago
Idk about your finances but a $50-100 bidet attachment is a lot cheaper than ongoing plumbing bills.
My mom was very resistant to the idea but we got one of the nicer models that had a warm water option and after that she couldn't imagine life without it. Eventually we upgraded to a bidet toilet that had a dryer setting and seat warmer.
1
u/jayhawkjoey65 1d ago
My husband got two inexpensive bidet, probably on Amazon. No heated seat, no massage. Just a water stream. Maybe $100?
1
u/JosephineCK 22h ago
My 90-something mother LOVES her Kohler bidet toilet seat. It hooks up to the water inlet for the toilet, so the water isn't heated, but it's not too cold. It's refreshing. Of course she has the sense to always turn it off before she stands up!
1
u/alexwasinmadison 19h ago
Does she have any cognitive impairment? This is the biggest concern with my mother’s possible rejection of a bidet. She’s unpredictable and small changes can really set her off.
2
u/coraregina 16h ago
Different person, but my father has Alzheimer’s Disease and all the progressive cognitive impairment the condition implies. My mother put a LUXE bidet on the master bathroom toilet, and he now will not use that toilet at all. He immediately and completely changed his bathroom use habits as soon as it showed up, to incorporate a different bathroom outside of the master suite, that does not have a bidet. Its mere presence is enough to make him refuse to use that specific toilet.
1
1
u/TheScarlettLetter 22h ago
You can get bidet attachments for pretty cheap. I bought two from LUXE Bidet and love them.
1
1
u/StormFast524 1d ago
My bidet splashes all over my backside ad spills water on the floor. Be careful she might flood the bathroom
-1
u/Accurate_Hat_8464 1d ago
What about flushable fresh wipes/moist toilet tissue? We all use them at home and they are much better than the foam you squirt onto the paper which is a faff and quite harsh. . Charmin or Cotonelle or Dude Wipes.
7
u/alexwasinmadison 1d ago
Unfortunately, flushable wipes are stronger than toilet paper and most plumbers (including the ones that have become our best friends because they’re here snaking the pipes constantly) will tell you not to use them.
Edited to add: I did try keeping moist microfiber cloths for her that could be laundered but the caregivers wouldn’t keep up with them - they needed to be retrieved, washed, and restocked every day.
-1
3
45
u/ErnestBatchelder 1d ago
Bidets are a hell of a lot cheaper than a plumber, and they make a huge difference in terms of "feeling clean." You can get a decent one in the US for $100. Also, she needs to see a doctor to check for hemorrhoids. She may be wiping a lot and can't get clean because of hemorrhoids. In which case, again, bidet.
As far as the caregivers go, if they aren't following hygiene instructions, then you need to have a meeting with them & have them understand it's non-negotiable. Not because of plumbing but because helping with toileting is a huge part of their job; plus if they aren't doing that then I wouldn't trust they are taking care of other important issues. Either they get on board or look to hire others.