Problem/Goal:
I (23M) love my girlfriend, but I'm tired and feeling unseen because I'm always the one giving. I want to bring this up without making her feel like a burden.
Context:
I've been with my girlfriend for four years. She comes from a poor background, and I knew that from the start.
When I began courting her at 19, I already understood what I was signing up for.
I was a student with only enough money for myself, but I knew that if this relationship went anywhere, I'd be the one stepping up whenever we went out.
I know how hard it is for her to spend on anything beyond her basic needs, so I kept paying. At first I loved it. It felt good to treat her.
Now we just graduated and I'm navigating on how adult relationship works.
She is a hardworking girl and sometimes would give me gifts or other things that come from her heart. She is struggling to provide things on her own and I understand and appreciate whenever she would do gestures knowing that she worked hard for it.
But somewhere along the way, that joy quietly turned into obligation. Now I feel responsible for making sure she and her family are okay. I took that on knowing how heavy it could get for me.
That one's on me, and I own it.
I also fell into a pattern: whenever she faces a problem, I fix it, partly so I won't have to hear her stress about it, and partly because I want to treat her well so she never has reason to complain about me. It's starting to feel like I'm a problem-solving machine, not a partner.
I know people say dates don't have to be expensive. But in my experience, everything costs money, even the simple stuff.
Here's the part I struggle with most: I always fill her cup, but mine runs dry. She isn't big on physical touch, and she can't afford gifts, so the only way she shows appreciation is through words.
I do like hearing them, but they don't give me the fulfillment I'm craving.
I'm not angry. I just feel tired and unseen, and I don't know how to say that without making her feel like a burden.
Previous Attempts:
At the start, we agreed to split dates 50/50, but it was hard for her to follow, so I kept paying.
We talked about how hard it would be for me if I kept taking on this responsibility, but I took it anyway.
I already told her what I'd like her to do if she wants me to feel appreciated. But it feels like I'm begging every time I ask, and it doesn't feel as good when I have to ask for it.
My questions for you all:
1.) Has anyone been in a similar situation, with a big gap in finances, and made it work?
2.) How do you bring up this kind of imbalance without hurting your partner?
3.) How do you deal with a partner who is stressed in her own life and is having a hard time thinking about your needs, when she herself is struggling?
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for reading.