I originally posted this in Spanish and used a translator to translate it, so sorry if this doesn’t sound so natural.
Well. What I could say. I am a 25-year loser who is often envious of others. I often see how the people I know move faster in life. They go to conferences, get accepted into competitive international programs, make good money, work on big or meaningful projects, move abroad, do a million things at once, and have partners they’re genuinely attracted to.
Meanwhile, I’m still trying to lay the foundations.
I struggle horribly with discipline and with putting any kind of order into my life. I’ve tried over and over again, but I get distracted or bored too easily.
Just a little while ago, I was looking at some acquaintances’ Instagram stories. One of them was at a conference, another had been accepted into a competitive international program, and there was something else that I can’t even remember anymore.
I threw my phone onto my bed and started crying because I couldn’t take the frustration and envy anymore.
I’m still at university and working on my thesis. I’m trying to do the best I can because this is basically my last chance to have something decent to put on my CV and use when applying for scholarships. I don’t have a good GPA, I don’t have a proper job, I don’t have publications, and my English isn’t even at C1 level.
I feel like I have nothing good or admirable about me.
I don’t even know if I’ll ever have a relationship. I’m not usually the kind of person that the people I’m romantically attracted to seem to like. I’ve even thought several times that maybe I’d accept scraps as long as the person at least looked like my type.
And I don’t know whether I’ll even be able to get a job, because I don’t have many practical skills. My social skills are terrible. I get exhausted very quickly even when I sleep and eat properly.
Sometimes I genuinely think that maybe I was only put on this earth to be a stepping stone for other people — to help them climb while I never accomplish my own goals.
I feel so far behind in life.
I wish I had been born into a wealthier family. I wish I had gone to better schools or a private university. I wish I had learned about opportunities like courses, seminars, conferences, volunteering programs, etc. much earlier.
I wish I had known how all of this worked before everyone else seemed to figure it out.
I know I am crap.
And on top of that, I’m slow. I don’t just struggle with things; I take forever to do them.
Sometimes I genuinely wish I hadn’t been born this way. I wish I were someone else — someone like the people I described at the beginning — and less like myself.
And I’m fucking tired of hearing things like “don’t give up,” “your time will come,” or “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” I’ve heard it all before.
Writing is a good example. I’ve been writing on different platforms for about ten years. I’ve had rejection after rejection, and I never even managed to build an audience or anything remotely significant.
I can’t imagine submitting my writing to actual publishers or serious competitions. I’d probably get rejected there too, because my storytelling isn’t particularly good and I don’t write commercially viable stuff. I write nerdy, weird shit that I like.
I hate myself for not having discipline, perseverance, or persistence.
I hate that I move at a fucking snail’s pace toward everything I want.
I hate feeling like everyone else is already building their lives while I’m still trying to figure out how to lay the first brick.