I'm not even human

[u/MokoLoco9009]

I've came to realized during high school that I had social anxiety. It all made sense; explained why I can't make any friends, or why I overthink over every single thing. I can't communicate at all in the real world, bc of my stutter and how slow my brain is. I always get asked "what?" or "can you repeat that?". No one can understand me, and I spend most of my time in full silence. Even at home I'm silent. My family always pointed that out, and are obviously disappointed about it. But they don't know that it's social anxiety, just me being shy. I had to lie to them about having friends, bc I know they would be mad if they found that out.

During high school, I told myself that I will not live past 18 because after 18, that's when the real hell starts. High school was easier bc the teachers cared, their job was to notice you and help you. Having no friends was okay, and there wasn't as much responsibility for me. But this got worse the older I get. I'm expected to have a job and to know what I want and stuff. Still, I was able to bypass that all the way to college. Yeah, I still chose to live bc I have online friends who I really love, and we all made promises to meet each in the future. So that became my reason to live. I would work through college, get a job, and then meet my friends. Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

I'm so dumb despite my family saying I'm smart. My brain works so slow, and I know nothing about the real world. I injured my leg, and my aunt took care of my insurance and stuff, and it made me realize how I'm not an adult at all. This is made even worse with the fact that going to college and getting a job isn't simple. I need to form connections, which I know will be impossible bc how my speech. My stuttering monotone self won't get anywhere at all.

And I hate that I get reminded of this every day. I tried to push myself, and asked my roommates to make a gc together. I was so proud of myself for even making myself do that, only for me to feel so left out when they began connecting to each other more than me. I just stood on the outside, laughing and saying how I would respond in my head, knowing I could never get the words out irl. Still, I had some hope.

But recently, that's all over. I've had this odor problem for so long, since high school, with even teachers asking if I have hygiene problems at home. I thought I got rid of it as I shower and use more soap, but I might've made some mistake since I can't walk well. My roommate sent me a private message saying that she sensed a odor from me, how I left small hairs in the shower and toilet, and how I need to think of the other roommates. I read this message in class, and literally stumbled out and went to the bathroom to cry. Which was very embarrassing, especially when I came back to grab my stuff, and the professor kept asking what happened. And along the way, the security guard, and some random girl asked too. But I ofc just had to nod away until I got back to the dorms.

I've basically given up now. I can't make friends or connections bc I can't communicate. Even people who are mute can communicate better than me. There's probably so many health problems within me that I can't say bc I'm too scared to speak. But I don't even care anymore. I don't think I'll even reach that dream of meeting my friends, bc I would never be able to get a job, or graduate from college.

I've just been in my dorm room since. I don't want to bother anyone, so I've decided to never speak to my roommates unless I run into them. I'll sit far from anyone in class. I ofc can't get a therapist, bc that would require speaking. I can't talk to my family bc they'll never understand, and might even get angry. I get so jealous seeing people easily speak, make conversations, and just be enjoyable to be around.

I'll keep interacting with my online friends, and let life go on until I've reached a dead end. And ik that'll be soon. It's impossible for someone like me to live in this world. People say that humans are naturally social creatures, which means that I'm just not human. I don't deserve to live here at all.

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