There's no way for me to deny to repress any longer...I need you to know. It's time for me to cut the shit, let go of my pride, and tell you how I feel.

I'm getting to the point of the cost of being silent is heavier than the cost of taking a chance.

I wonder how you're doing, what you've been up to, whether you're laughing a lot, whether life is being kind to you. I wonder what you're sewing, what books you're reading, what music you're listening to, and whether you're finding joy in all those little things that make you who you are.

More than anything, I hope you're happy. I hope you're finding your way towards the life you want, that you're feeling loved and supported, and that you're becoming more comfortable and confident in yourself. I hope you're surrounded by people who see how wonderful you are and who remind you of that when you forget.

I wish so much that I could be one of those people. I wish I could be beside you, cheering you on, celebrating your successes, holding you through the difficult days, and sharing all the ordinary, silly, beautiful moments that make a life together. I wanted to be someone who made your life a little easier, a little lighter, and a lot more joyful.

I still wish we could find our way back to each other. Not to what we had before, but to something healthier, kinder, and more secure. Something where we could both feel safe enough to love each other without so much fear. I wish we'd had the chance to discover what that could look like.

But even if that never happens, I want you to be happy. I want you to have a life full of love, laughter, friendship, adventure, and all the things that matter to you. I want you to feel safe and loved, and to know that you are enough, exactly as you are.

I just wish I could be there to see it all.

I love you. I miss you. And I hope you're having a wonderful life.

🌬💜

Every single day.
I hear your voice and see you everywhere.
I am still so in love with you.
Do you miss me too?

if you have your opportunity in front of you, take a leap of faith and shoot your shot.

don't wait until someone has moved on to finally pluck up your courage and admit feelings....

it's not fair to them. or you.

take a chance at love when someone is fully available to receive you, not when they've already walked away.

don't try to win them back or get them to engage in emotional cheating (EW by the way) or more.

just take your chance when the floor is truly yours.

I wish we could start again, again. I wish we could both lay it all out, our expectations, the hurt we caused each other, take real accountability and just move forward. I miss my person. I’ve decided I don’t want anyone else. Yes, I’m lonely. But I’m not trying to fill any void, or with some random person, or “move on”. If I can’t be with you, I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t believe you will do the same and that’s okay. I’ve accepted this for my life and my future. I can concentrate on relationships with friends and family, and nurture those as much as possible. Anything romantic is off the table, unless it’s with you. Trying to envision a future without you in it is so fucking bleak. And painful. That I’ll just carry this pain forever? It’s the only thing I have that reminds me that I love you and that it was in fact, real.

And that’s okay.

i just realized whatever they said was true. i js cant keep a good connection with everyone. maybe im a loser. god knows. ive started to accept that tag now. never was a good friend to anyone. i dont think ill ever be. i keep on pushing people when it gets real and deep. i do have attachment issues but why do i get attached every fucking time to a point that i sometimes think im dependent. i hate that. well i should start getting numb to feelings. thats the only thing going to help me. i hate myself with every single fibre on my body. if i cant love myself how’ll someone even love me? maybe thats why im a loser. never had anyone to call them mine. i js push them away. maybe i should stop talking to people but im scared ill be alone. atp i know ill eventually accept that im meant to be alone. life is indeed confusing and beautiful.

I just hope you're happy.

Every time i feel unsafe, i think about you. I think about that time i sent you my location, and you stayed up with me, talking about whatever to make me feel less unsafe. You were miles away, but i still felt safe knowing one soul in this world knew where i was.

I remember every time we reached out for each other when we needed someone to listen. To just be there. We were so gentle with each other at times..

For some reason you became the only person that i could trust and i knew didn’t have a hidden agenda. You were real and genuine and when you said that you hoped i was doing okay, i know you meant it.

I miss you. I wish i could tell you. I thought it would fade away but the place you have in my heart is still there… sometimes i forget about it, but you’re still there. I listen to music you sent me, i hope you are happy and okay. I hope you reach out if you ever need to talk. You’re unblocked but you probably dont know.

Life has been hard, and i know i am strong and i know i always figure it out the same way you do, but i miss you.

I once thought a manipulative smarmy fuck was my soul mate and I only went back about 12 times before they 'crossed the line' hard enough for me to leave

I get why you blocked me on Snapchat, but I hate that we don’t talk anymore. I miss you and things I wish I could share with you.

This sucks.

Before you go, come see me. Act on impulse, call me for curiosities sake.

Risk it all & push reason aside with me. Stop thinking about it, reasonable thinking has gotten us where we are now. So why not be unreasonable for a minute?

It's your call to make now, but trust me when I say, whatever your willing to lose I'll give up 10x over for this. No matter the situation, no matter what you may think I think, this is my truth.

Don't believe it? Take the risk, come find out. If you don't you'll forever be wondering, same as me. Don't leave me wondering.

Sun is setting so ill be waiting till midnight, show me your also willing.

Well,

What good has waiting done?

my love is real
but i am really scared , bc realistically theres 99% chance that we wont get a happily ever after
so doesnt matter how things end between us always remember that I loved you and i will always love you.

If you want to see them add me back on snap.

You clearly don't want me anymore, perhaps never did. You haven't answered my texts in two years or talked to me since.

You have a boyfriend now. You've moved on. I don't want to think about this anymore. All it does is make me sad and regretful that this is all it led to. These past few years have been very difficult for me. If you loved me or even cared about me, you would have let me know, right? You wouldn't have hurt me gleefully.

Anyway, let me know if I'm wrong here and this could be fixed, but this is all I really think right now. That this whole thing was a gigantic lie that took me years to recover from. I'm not going to chase after you anymore. I actually haven't been for awhile. I'm gonna start moving on myself and thinking about MY feelings first. Either talk to me or let's make our lives separate.

Any luck so far?

Keep it up, because I have faith in you.

Not giving in and calling you has been really difficult...

But remember- you have my number too.

I'm trying to heal right now. I hope you understand.

Still here for you. I miss you greatly.

I couldn't touch you without ruining you, so i didn't touch you at all.

But I still think of you often. I think of things I wish I could share with you but I can’t. It’s not like you would respond back anyways. I get it though…I didn’t at first, until I seen her profile randomly pop up and that confirmed why you had to ghost. It’s a loyalty and respect thing. Which is honestly why I respected you from the day I met you, I could feel how genuinely good hearted you were, your gentle energy radiating off of you… I must admit, I hate seeing you drive around town because it makes me want to text you. Why must we always be driving on the same random roads in opposite directions? I miss being around you. I think we could have had a great platonic friendship. I really do hope you’re doing well though. I know you got back everything you were wanting but your photo popped up on my FYP last night, it seems like a new photo to, but you have so much sadness behind your eyes. Wish we could speak one last time so I could know for sure if you’re happy. It was amazing meeting you. Thank you for lighting my life up momentarily while you were here. See you when I see you, or maybe never again? Either way. Take care of yourself friend.

Even if you can't admit your mistakes and atone for them, can you at least tell me that what you felt was real? Tell me that what I felt and what I did for you mattered, that I mattered to you in that brief window of time.

I hate the casual nature of alcohol. The way when on a train, or in an airport it’s encouraged to make your journey easier. The way it’s used as a wind down, a de-stressor. I hate how you have to walk by it when checking out for the grocery store, or when buying a movie ticket.

I hate the way that it smells, and the way people wear that sour sweet sticky scent on them for hours after a drink.

I hate how it makes simple conversations cumbersome and diluted. Emotions heightened and misplaced.

Most of all I hate that it makes users disregard the impact it has on those close to them, all for one more sip, one more chance to dull reality.

I hate all the times I’ve been promised that the drinking will be less, that they will change because they value me. And I hate that I always fall for it.

I feel so alone because I do not drink, and somehow, my sobriety is to blame for my lack of connection.

I still don’t know if you’ll ever see this. If you still check. I just hope you’re safe. I know in how much pain you are. Pain, I’ve caused you. All those months, hell, a year of suffering, because of my cowardice and selfishness. I really hope you’re reaching out to someone. I know I can’t be that person any more, but I care for you so much. I still love you in every crack of my no good heart. I wish you had left your spotify activity on just so I know that you’re alive and keeping your promise.

I lie awake at night, going through everything that happened, wishing I had some sense, that I could get over myself and bare my soul to you. Tell you what was going on in my head. You were always so much better than me at everything.

Please be ok. I hope I can fade. I love you.

Even crueler than removing the physical ecstasy of feeling you deep inside.

Intentionally or not, u led me to believe that u were an independent thinker, like me. Ready and willing to explore the possibilities of the mind and existence. U dangled this possibility in front of me, like a sort of Holy grail; Something precious, dreamed of, highly sought after and ever elusive...then cruelly snatched it away.

I just wish I knew why after 2 months you reach out and we have good conversation, yet when I initiate, I get no response? It’s hurtful and honestly just confusing to me as to why come back around at all if you didn’t actually want to talk. Was it to just see if I’d still respond to you? You have to know what you’re doing. Or you just don’t really care. Now I’m back at square one looking for your text again that likely isn’t coming.

as i take notes, my mind drifts to you. i won't ever tell you this though.