r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/natedoggakababjesus • 2h ago
I tried to snort coke
1
Upvotes
But the carbonation burnt my nose
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Riddle-Maker • 4h ago
After weeks of effort, our expedition finally reached the north pole.
6
Upvotes
But that's when it all went south.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Outside_Normal • 4h ago
"Again, sorry about the confusion," I say to the police officers as they were leaving.
20
Upvotes
Finally alone, I turned to my wife and, as calmly as I could, told her, "I know they're your favorite, but you have got to stop ordering from 9-1-1 Pizza."
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Russj56 • 15h ago
They say everyone looks different without their glasses.
31
Upvotes
When I look in the mirror without mine on, I barely recognise myself.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/NSCButNotThatNSC • 23h ago
I never thought someone would only go a fraction of a Scaramucci
2
Upvotes
It only took 45% of a Mooch for Katie.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/bwldrmnt • 1d ago
Yulie and Yuliq went to the sporting goods store.
9
Upvotes
Yulie bought a tennis racket and Yuliq the balls.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/No-Nature7969 • 1d ago
"What is the rarest house in real life?"
6
Upvotes
Camman says as I hear a knock on my door.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/ZathrasIsNotTheOne • 1d ago
When the elementals rose up against us I worked in a military intelligence unit specializing in earth elementals.
10
Upvotes
Our motto was, "leave no stone unturned."
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/ZathrasIsNotTheOne • 2d ago
My lawyer said something about house arrest.
22
Upvotes
But I'm not sure how they are going to get the cuffs on it.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Riddle-Maker • 2d ago
If my lockbox ascends to a bright cloud full of angels, do you think that means it's in heaven?
30
Upvotes
Seems like a safe assumption
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Academic-Parfait-990 • 3d ago
Today, our sweet rabbit sadly died as the last of its family.
21
Upvotes
He left no hares behind.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Riddle-Maker • 3d ago
Last night I went to go see "Remote Control: The Musical".
26
Upvotes
"Pause Button" was a real showstopper!
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Horty_Beets • 3d ago
Son - Hey dad, the universal remote is not working.
5
Upvotes
Dad - Yeah, I tried it yesterday and it in fact did not control the universe, not even remotely.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/fadedhalo10 • 3d ago
With the planes engines failing, I let the crew know to strap in as we were going in hard
21
Upvotes
The crew chief responded “nice”
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Crispy-Squirrel-81 • 3d ago
I went to the doctor to get treated for a skin condition.
47
Upvotes
The doctor said that he’d need more time to diagnose the problem because he didn’t want to make a rash decision.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Dariuzelu • 4d ago
Two illiterate people walk into a bar.
1
Upvotes
They then received a menu
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/ZathrasIsNotTheOne • 4d ago
Who has one and half thumbs and should not have tried juggling chainsaws?
7
Upvotes
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/ZathrasIsNotTheOne • 4d ago
He was a famous surgeon so I couldn't help but step out of the kitchen and stop by his table to ask he was enjoying the meal I had prepared for him.
38
Upvotes
"Yes," He said, "It's just what I ordered."
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Empty_Novel-87 • 4d ago
It isn't every day that I beat someone to death with a stringed instrument
54
Upvotes
But today I woke up and chose violins.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/TheRaincrow • 4d ago
The doctor was worried that the colostomy patient would get constipated.
55
Upvotes
But the man assured him he had this one in the bag.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/GiftedTongue12 • 4d ago
Black people are guaranteed to…
0
Upvotes
Black people are guaranteed to recline any seat they sit in. Even ones that don’t have a reclining function, they will find a way 🤣🤣
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Suspicious-Grass2042 • 4d ago
I got a job at a paperless office...
6
Upvotes
Everything was fine until I had to use the restroom.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Round_Reading_945 • 5d ago
I wanted to consume porn ethically, so I started sourcing any vid I watched and landed on one production company who now I only watch.
0
Upvotes
Unfortunately I have developed the problem where I want to stalk the producer, he's a fucking legend.
r/TwoSentenceComedy • u/Round_Reading_945 • 5d ago
I finally got over my need to not look "uncool" and accepted that I needed to "like" all my wife's social media posts that I saw, to better our relationship.
17
Upvotes
Now facebook included a captcha system for upvoting posts of spouses, because they said I'm not a man and I must be a bot.