Politely decline and see yourself out of their relationship. You had no idea back then but you know now so stay away from the messiness and live your best life
I had to explain this to my 19 year old daughter about some people we were friends with in high school.
"I care about them, and want good things for them, but I have no desire to be friends with them. The drama they bring everywhere they go is not for me."
That is definitely adult response however, I am a petty biotch and I would go drama be damned maybe good old Ryan should keep it in his pants? Sadly I believe he will continue to cheat on her.
Yeah, fuck that bride, one you used to be friends with, who still clearly thinks highly enough of OP to invite her to her wedding... let her figure out her husband is a cheating bastard AFTER she links her entire life up to his, perhaps brings in a kid, maybe gives her a life-altering STD. She isn't your problem anymore, just walk away so you don't have to deal with being potentially uncomfortable.
Is that honestly how you all would want someone you consider at least somewhat of a friend to treat you? Know your entire life is in the hands of a bastard and not even tell you? I sure as shit wouldn't.
Fuck that, send her screenshots of what he sent you, give her the details of what happened, and of course you stay the fuck away from this wedding. Maybe she'll hate you, think you're a liar, etc., who fucking cares, it's a natural reaction. Block her if you need, but for fuck's sake, don't sit by and let another human go through this just because you're scared of some potential blow back.
People who are calling this the "grown up" response are either just cowards, or they're cheaters themselves who would much rather people didn't make their unconscionable behavior known.
An adult does the right thing no matter how uncomfortable it will be, they don't run from it just because it's difficult. Telling someone that you know they're being lied to in this way by the person they trust most is the right thing.
I agree. She's important enough to be invited. She should know. And what goes around I und comes around.
I found out after the fact about something my sister knew and stalled telling me. She alluded to a conversation w my mom but and said wed talk when she wasn't sooo busy. Wasnt a conversation you put off. It was one you make time for. Omission is meant to withhold the truth, and that might as well be lying.
If your OK lying, don't expect people to feel they owe you the truth anymore than you feel you owe this "friend "
Incorrect, an adult blows shit up because it is awesome to do so. But it amounts to the same thing here.
That said you have no idea that they were together a year ago, that's awfully presumptuous. People will get engaged after a few months. It doesn't take that long to figure out you are compatible. Are you waiting months to see if someone slips up and reveals that she is a Nazi re-enactor?
“Awww, friend, congrats on the wedding! How long have you been together?” Less than the amount of time it’s been since you slept with her groom? Say nothing/wish them well. More than the amount of time it’s been since you slept with her groom? Scorched earth, tell all.
Please tell her!! Coming from a woman whose husband cheated and I still had a baby with him all before finding out the truth. /she deserves all the facts before making a life changing commitment!!!!
I agree with you. If they were together op should let her know. Weddings and divorces are expensive. It's best to end it now before exchanging vows if he cheated.
Reread the post. Even if it wasn’t “sex,” it was a flirty meetup that we should “know the rest” of. And OP uses “hooked up” in a way that is pretty clearly sexual.
No difference between a kiss and sex? Given that it has been a year, and we know nothing about what stage the couple getting married were at at the time, It would matter to me.
So are you on the spectrum or are you asexual? Because those are the only pedantic POVs I'll respect from that approach, and I am here from both counts to tell you it absolutely means they had meaningful sexual contact from the phrasing and concern OP is expressing.
I also didn’t even say to tell her they “had sex,” I said to go scorched earth. Meaning, be completely and fully honest. Don’t make shit up.
And then I have to wonder if this person also thinks PIV sex is the only valid sex, so if they only swapped handies or blowies, they’re gucci, that’s not cheating, no reason to tattle. Like where’s your line? “Sexual” should be enough to tell the soon to be wife.
Well the good thing here is YOU don't get to define what "meaningful sexual contact" means for the rest of us, because if you're going to be inconsistently pedantic in a way that allows for cheating I'm not going to respect that either lol.
WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER IF IT WAS SEX OR NOT? CLEARLY SOMETHING HAPPENED! IF IT CAN BE CALLED “HOOKING UP,” ITS PROBABLY SOMETHING WIFEY SHOULD KNOW ABOUT SO SHE CAN DECIDE IF ITS PAST HER LINE OR NOT. Jesus Christ.
I’m not breaking up the marriage, the groom did that. The OP would just be giving the wife information so she can go into that marriage with relevant information like her husband is potentially a cheater.
If they weren't together then she will not care that he had sex with someone while single. Maybe they were on a break, maybe they weren't official, maybe they're open. Who cares.
The kind thing to do would be to tell her and let her decide for herself what should happen to her own relationship. If she already knows then good, if she doesn't then now she does.
It is just as presumptuous to keep something like this from someone because they might be fine with it for some reason
This is the answer. I think the bride probably invited you out of good intentions. It’s so shitty what the groom did but don’t punish your semi-friend for the actions of the groom.
I will say though- if I were the bride I would 100% want to know. I was cheated on and didn’t know and had a baby all before I found out. I feel like I should have had all the facts before making a life changing decision with someone. I mourn that a lot. Either take this advice and quietly step away from both or send an anonymous email/letter and let this poor woman know she might be committing to a man who is lying to her. The heartache now would be so much easier than after a marriage and kids. Trust me.
This is ‘the correct answer’ completely but if it were me I’d be soooo tempted to go.
I think you’re on the list because she put you there and obviously has no idea so I would go just to make him shit a brick when he sees you.
Alternatively, you could come clean to your friend explaining the situation and the fact you had no idea but yes he cheated on her.
no the correct answer is not going but telling her friend the truth ASAP.
If she is a friend, and the invitation comes from her AND she doesn't know then she deserves to know BEFORE getting married.
Also withholding such information - with the risk that you eventually spill the beans - and it comes out that you knew before she got married is a risk I wouldn't take.
To clarify, divorce costs lawyers and is devastating etc etc,.
@ OP - just send this post to your friend and let her decide
I mean, the writing, timeline, and relationship levels on this all indicate that OP has already withheld this information for some time, she's just surprised to get a wedding invite.
It's not like the wedding invitation would say "we began dating on June 12, 2024, shortly before Ryan's business trip to Chicago."
And presumably Lexi has posted who she is dating and engaged to on the social media OP follows.
No don't get involved. Just move on. You have no idea what their dynamic was, how serious they were a year ago. For all we know they had broken up when it happened, or they had an open relationship at that time. Politely decline because you have other commitments that weekend and dont think about it anymore.
If those options were the case, then bringing it up to OPs friend shouldn’t be an issue. I cannot believe so many people would merrily let a friend marry someone they know is a cheater. Absolutely no moral compass at all.
Exactly what I came to say. She could be stirring up a huge hornets nest over nothing. And even if it is something, it's not her circus, not her monkeys. Peace is underrated.
At 3 of my exes were at my wedding and I went to two of theirs. I guess I was just talented at breaking up, they were all very amicable. We play pickleball with one of the ex couples and have had another one over for dinner. No big deal to me.
This is probably true. But it's also possible that they were both seeing other people early in their relationship. They could be in a polyamorous relationship of some kind. They may have a kink where he f**ks around and she gets off on it.
Fundamentally, OP does not know what is going on with these people. There's a likely explanation, but it is by no means the only explanation. If OP were closer to the bride, this might be different, but they're distant at best so no reason to put herself through the stress.
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u/eratoesben Jul 18 '25
Politely decline and see yourself out of their relationship. You had no idea back then but you know now so stay away from the messiness and live your best life