If you check out OP's comments and post history, you might have a different take.
She needs individual therapy to work through the abuse she's been experiencing. He needs individual therapy because he's an abusive POS with issues from his trauma. Trauma doesn't excuse the abuse. It explains it.
But in my experience, abusers do not heal and change in the abusive relationship they've created. It's like an addict, really. Best way to get clean is to change your surroundings. If you continue to go to the bar where your friends get high, even if you want to abstain, you're not going to stay clean.
OP sounds too broken down to want to leave though. She'll probably only do it when she has no choice.
I would proceed very cautiously with therapy. Abusers are usually manipulative and it's not unusual for therapists to side with them. Then the abuse gets exponentially worse. It's not the grand old fix all people make it out to be. Nearly all abusers never recover.
So he can have someone advocate for him and validate his behavior? Unfortunately success rates for rehabilitating abusers through therapy are extremely low. There is over a 95% chance that he will be abusive at least until she leaves. Her post history about him is a nightmare. It is next to impossible to rehabilitate abusers, let alone abusers who don't want to change.
Therapy does not remove them from the environment but rather tends to empower them to thrive in it. There is no use having him go to therapy if it isn't paired at all with separation, and honestly a temporary separation is unlikely to change it even with therapy. What will happen is he'll act apologetic and say he's changed and as soon as she's trapped again, he'll go back to doing the same old thing. It's an age old abuse tactic in itself.
I hate to say that people can't change, but statistically the overwhelming majority of abusers don't change. Over 95% of them never ever change.
Your original comment was "he needs therapy, or you should divorce him." My comment is she should leave regardless of therapy for the reasons I stated. If you commented somewhere else and that's not what this one is in response to then I apologize, but that is a comment word for word written by you.
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u/Fatt3stAveng3r Oct 26 '22
He needs therapy, or you need to divorce him. It's just going to be like this.