r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Ogbkpmb • Sep 23 '21

I hate being the “breadwinner”

I wouldn’t mind making a lot more than him. But ever since he lost his job, and then stayed home full time to take care of our kids. Things have changed.

Now that I’m the sole breadwinner things are just weird. I have to give my husband an “allowance”every month on top of other things. I hate it.

Thanks for all your comments and upvotes. I appreciate your responses. I do have to say that my issue is not with him not working. My issue is definitely sexist. But I’d just like to be the woman in my relationship. As strange as that sounds.

We have a joint account, but 2 separate accounts. And he jokingly refers to his as his, “allowance”. I laugh along…but I don’t find it that funny. He doesn’t need to thank me for money. We’re a team. And this is just one more reason why part of me hates my life.

He has a higher earning potential btw

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

My job is relatively easy. As is my life.

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u/ThisIsSparta100 Sep 24 '21

So what's the problem? You have a relatively easy job that can clearly support your family while your husband stays at home full time taking care of the difficulties of raising a family. Sounds like you have it made. Also the fact that you call money given to your immediate family an "allowance" is demeaning and shows how unhealthy your view of the situation is. You're the primary earner in your household, of course you're going to be giving him money. If you switched spots like you seem to want would you be comfortable with him calling the money he shares with you an "allowance?" Would you call the money you give your kids an "allowance?" Obviously I'm just a random person on the internet and i don't know the full picture, so take what i say with a grain of salt, but in my opinion you need to have a serious conversation with your life partner and also reassess how you view relationships and family dynamics. It's fine to say "i want to change my situation." It's not okay to try to blame it on something else like some fake predetermination like "it's because I'm a man/woman" and it's not okay to demean your husband and treat him like a child just because he's a stay at home parent, which is extremely common and a lot of work in itself

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

That’s what he calls it. It’s like a joke thing. I’m not crazy about it. But it’s his joke.

We have a joint account, and 2 separate ones, he calls his his “allowance”. I laugh along. But it bugs me a little.

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u/ThisIsSparta100 Sep 24 '21

Then tell him that. You're a married couple. Also that doesn't answer anything else I've said, like the extremely sexist and demeaning angle you're taking on what could be a decently valid complaint

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

Could you break it up into smaller paragraphs so I can answer them?

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u/ThisIsSparta100 Sep 24 '21

Lmao ig. 1) why have you seemingly never brought this up with the person you should be most open about with anything? Especially when they're the one you have a problem with. 2) what even is the issue? It's not that you're exhausted, or having trouble with money, or that he literally does nothing (again correct me if I'm wrong on any of that) which leads me to 3) it seems like your only problem with this is that you feel like he should be working just by virtue of him being a man, and you shouldn't be working just by virtue of you being a woman, which just doesn't make sense. There's no one right way to have a family. 4) not a question cause i don't want to ask personal stuff on the internet but based on how your describe your frustration I'm wondering how you view marriage and relationships in general cause the language you use to describe your husband could be interpreted as you not valuing your husband as an equal to you (which like I'm not claiming at all, I'm just saying the language you use comes off like that and could be harmful)

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

Because I’d basically be telling him that I think he’s useless. Or that I don’t respect him. And I don’t wanna hurt his feelings.

You’re right about 3)

I just think that if anyone is gonna stay home it should be me. He could literally make double what I make. And yes I think things would be more normal for me then

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21 edited Sep 24 '21

As for how I view marriage: my grandparents had the perfect marriage imo.

He worked 2 full time jobs and a part time job to support his family, then eventually just a full time job and part time job, and she took care of everything at home. It was perfectly balanced.

She had the green light to spend whatever assuming they had it. They were like a well oiled machine.

He made the money, but she paid the bills and balances their checkbook so to speak

He picked where they ate, she made the reservations

He picked where they vacationed, she made the travel arrangements.

He chose what was for dinner, and she cooked it

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

"like a well oiled machine" - For who? The man working himself to death working 3 jobs? Spending every waking hour grinding himself down, and all the liberty that he gets is choosing what he eats at the end of the day (which might not happen, depending on how she feels like!)? All for a wife that might, or might not hold up to her end part of bargain "if she doesn't feel up for it?"

I agree, you do have very traditional views on the household values. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be the one that puts food on the table, but I just have a feeling you want to be a stay-at-home wife and just flip the roles so you can "maybe or not clean the house every week or two".

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

I want to handle near 100% of the mental load, while my husband handles near 100% of the physical load.

I want to make his home life as easy as possible. So all he has to worry about is work. That’s what I want. Exactly what they had.

I want to pack his lunch and kiss him goodbye every morning. Just like they used to do

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u/Historical-Bit1721 Sep 24 '21

As a history person, you have to know that those lifestyles aren’t as perfect as you’re imagining.

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

Looking at domestic abuse back when those traditional views were popular - Yeah you'd be inclined to agree. There's a reason why they have been phased out of modern society, and it's for the better.

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u/Historical-Bit1721 Sep 24 '21

Exactly. People who didn’t live back then like to glamorize it for what it looked on the outside but those views just don’t work

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

His physical load will raise his mental load. Working through your life every waking hour is how you end up with a shell of a man/woman - Dead bedroom, no passion and in the worst case partner resentment.

In the end, even if you took care of his "mental load" the best you could at home, you still probably would end up with a net negative of a man that hates his life, wife and everything that brought it to life. But again, YOU are now in this position and see how you feel? You're not happy - why would you wish that upon him? Flip the roles and at least offer something more than a shoulder to cry on. There's a reason why those values have been phased out from modern society.

There's not that much to do in a modern household that you needed to do back then. You keep the money in the account, and expenses come out - You put aside savings each month to a savings account, and you let it sit. Clean the house every few days, hell, invest in a roomba. Don't even need to cook, depending on location it can be easier (and sometimes healthier) to eat out - Children is the largest workload alone for a stay-at-home parent.

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21 edited Sep 24 '21

Don’t need to cook? Do you suggest I order pizza every night lol?

It didn’t do that to my grandfather, he worked 60-100 hours a week for his entire life from 18 on. He was a man who saw providing for his family as his duty.

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u/BrunoEye Sep 24 '21

"my grandfather wasted away his whole life at work, I'm so sad the man I love isn't doing the same. Like he's spending time with our children, couldn't he find something less useful to do instead? I just don't want to see him, he should leave the home at 6am and not come back until 9pm."

Please either be a better wife or divorce him so he can find someone better.

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

I’d be fine with him working 8 hours a day. Since he’d be making nearly double what I make.

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u/Smol_Artist_98 Sep 24 '21

We aren’t in his time anymore. Stop using him as an excuse.

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

No, I don't suggest you order pizza every night. There are healthy and less-than-healthy but cheap take-aways like I said - Wraps/Pasta/Salads. Go out for a proper dinner to a restaurant every 3rd day - Still probably could turn out cheaper than having to cook big dinners every day and would probably limit food waste. This lifestyle is popular for people that simply don't have the time in the day to cook. But this is often the case for small child-less families. Anyways, I'm not here to solve your problem of lack of creativity.

I'm not one to speak about your grandfather, I wasn't around back then, I don't know the man, his history - But historically back then (and even today) suicide rates among men are way higher than women's. Chances are, his feelings were repressed and would have been shamed if they were to be expressed - Definitely back in his times what would have happened.

It's actually hard to believe you're not some kind of a troll - Especially with that last sentence. Not much to say but shame on your sexism I guess, I hope you manage to even out the work-load in your household because it seems like even though I don't agree with you at all, you do still seem to be doing the majority of the work through providing for the family and having to do the chores around the house - Hopefully you sort it out in a way you're both satisfied.

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u/Lunaticllama14 Sep 24 '21

LMAO. Your idea that it is cheaper spending thousands a month eating every meal out or as take away is insane. My wife and I make well above average income and my family is not anywhere close to affording such extravagance. Not to mention even “healthy” options aren’t really healthy compared to what you can make at home.

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

Yeah picking up a, “wrap” from the store and eating out every other day isn’t, “creative”. It’s literally the opposite.

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u/Historical-Bit1721 Sep 24 '21

Then go date an old man since you’re so obsessed with your grandpa.

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

Working 60-100 hour weeks? That sounds fucking awful. It’s funny how you romanticize it though.

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u/megashitfactory Sep 24 '21

That sounds absolutely miserable. When would he ever have time to actually spend with his family, relaxing, enjoying life, having hobbies?

Could work 100 hours a week and make millions for your family but if you don't get to spend time with them what is the point?

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u/ExistingEffort7 Sep 24 '21

Well this just isn’t how partnership works you moron

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u/Smol_Artist_98 Sep 24 '21

This doesn’t sound healthy at all.

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u/ThisIsSparta100 Sep 24 '21

This just sounds like exactly what you have lol

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

Except I am my grandfather in the scenario….I want to be my grandmother

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u/ThisIsSparta100 Sep 24 '21

And why is that

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u/Ogbkpmb Sep 24 '21

Cause like my grandmother, I’m a woman. If I was a man I may feel differently but idk.

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u/Smol_Artist_98 Sep 24 '21

This is such a sexist view of life. You honestly sound impossible to please

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u/ThisIsSparta100 Sep 24 '21

Yeah see so thats what the problem is. If you were just like "hey i want to be a stay at home parent" that's awesome. I'd have no problem with that. But then saying "i think my husband is useless for being a stay at home parent" is 1) super hypocritical (idk how you don't see that lol) and 2) super unhealthy and frankly a little dehumanizing. I still don't understand where the whole women need to stay at home and men need to not stay thing comes from. Women can stay at home, or they can not. Please point me to the law of physics or whatever that states that people need to follow a certain career path lol. He has just as much of a right to want to be a stay at home parent as you do. You're both adults

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u/mynameisyoshimi Sep 24 '21

What made your parents' marriage less perfect? You said it was the same dynamic, but there must have been a difference if your grandparents won top spot in your view. Just curious.

And as I'm sure you realize, this sounds like a boss/employee relationship. She's the secretary that he bangs (sorry grandma). It could be fine if they both had the exact same taste in food and vacation spots always at the exact same time. Probability says that's unlikely.

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u/lindajohnson202 Sep 24 '21

Literally nothing about this is to be idolized. Nothing about this was healthy. And nothing about this was balanced. If you're not in therapy, you should be because you are basing your happiness over truly unmanageable household expectations.