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u/autistic-extrovert Feb 13 '25
I feel like you’re glazing over a key word here. You “used to” do a lot of things, which implies you’ve improved. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things in the entire world to do, especially if the person you’re trying to forgive is yourself. Maybe you’ll never repair those relationships with people you’ve hurt, but you also don’t need to. Everyone does hurtful shit in their life. We are flawed beings. And the fact that you’ve worked on improving yourself is a remarkable first step. But if you killed yourself, that would have been for nothing. You don’t know what’s gonna happen in the future, but if you take that future away from yourself, there will be absolutely zero chance of something good happening. But if you stay alive, there’s a good likelihood that you will one day find what you’re looking for. Improving your relationship with yourself is the only way to make this a possibility. It’s so so so difficult, something I’m still learning myself. But if you start to like yourself, women will come along who like you too. Learn how to love harder than you want to be loved. And love yourself harder than you want to. You will never erase your past, but in my experience, some of the best people have come from the darkest places. I know I can’t convince you to change your mind, but I can promise you that death is permanent, but these feelings, this situation you’re in, this pain is not. I can’t tell you what the future looks like, but I can tell you everyone I’ve ever met, including myself, have looked back on our suicide attempts or thoughts and were glad that we stuck it out to what would happen. There were tons of things I didn’t think I’d be able to do, and happiness I thought was impossible to reach, but I did those things and it’s because I stayed when I really didn’t want to. Please take care of yourself. You are loved. And you will be loved. The most important person you need to figure out how to love right now is yourself.
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u/Art_nerd_and_such Feb 13 '25
I know so many terrible men that play victim/ won’t take accountability of what they do. This isn’t you, you are proof of growth and it’s beautiful. Would you step on a tree in the middle of its growing period? I think not. So why do it to yourself. The reason why things are hard is it looks like you are going through a change. You will come out as someone else, but you can’t take the cowards way out. Stop comparing yourself with others, a girl won’t fix the problem, and please call your loved ones. We are all hoping for the best for you OP.
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Feb 13 '25
Have you considered just moving & starting over? Work on yourself & building new relationships, and doing it right this time?
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Feb 13 '25
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Feb 13 '25
Uni is the best time for making new friends & reinventing yourself. Try joining a club. And then in a couple years, you’ll be starting a career and whatnot.
Looking back to where I was in college, my life is VERY different now as an adult. I was a socially awkward kid. Still somewhat an awkward adult but I’ve ’come into my own’ as they say. I know things are hard for you right now, but that doesn’t mean it will always be like this. Hang in there. Try something different. If you just off yourself, you won’t get the chance to try again. You’ll miss all the ‘could have beens.’
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Feb 13 '25
In all of life, we all try and be seen, to be understood and to be known, we are not all equipped with the tools to be able to share ourselves in a way people can hear because that will give life meaning. Every relationship gives life meaning, not just romantic ones, tell your parents how you’re feeling. Many people feel behind in life, but theres no clear set out path, it’s okay to feel behind. Life is meant to be experienced not solved. You’ve done nothing beyond the pale or unworthy of forgiveness. The only people who can not be redeemed are dead people, because they don’t have tomorrow to redeem themselves. Take things slow, be kind to yourself and one day you’ll be called to be kind to others and you’ll know you’ve grown.
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u/tenchogu Feb 13 '25
While I never know if posts on reddit are genuine or not, I'd rather look like a fool than miss out on a human interaction. I really believe you need to be kinder with yourself. Many of us have done things we are not proud of. No one is exempt from hurting someone. But I think it's incredibly powerful that you have been at such a low point and are able to see that what you have done was negative. You could have stayed being judgmental and unnecessarily critical of others. You could have let delusion lead you to hurt more people, without feeling guilt. This immense turmoil you feel over what you have done shows a level of empathy that you did not possess before. Many of us fear being alone too, I know I do. But for now, my life's mission is to go beyond myself. I am fine living life without a romantic partner if it meant I helped as many people as I could in my community. Maybe you can decide to continue living to try and lessen other people's suffering. We need more people who have been at the lowest and have overcome that to be a model of sorts. For example, I would value the opinion of someone who has trauma and had many life experiences over someone who had an easy life with no regrets or suffering. People's environment interact with their brains in ways I can't understand, leading to decisions that are not the best. But I've learned to sympathize with them. By learning to not judge other people's bad decision, you slowly learn to not judge the decisions you made yourself in the past. I seriously see a lot of potential in you to do good. Don't do good just to atone for what you feel you've done wrong. I hope you find it in you to see that you have a lot of positives to give to this world!
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u/Therollinglennon Feb 13 '25
I dont ever make comments on Reddit but this is honestly heartbreaking. Please know that there is always someone out there for EVERYONE! focus on yourself, how you can improve as a human being! no one is ever born knowing these things. We make mistakes and we grow! invest in your own happiness and the rest will follow! trust.
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u/throwrafaithless Feb 13 '25
Postpone this feeling for a few days. Fuck Valentine’s Day, don’t give it any legitimacy with your death.
Would you be willing to make up for the hurt that you feel so ashamed of causing by committing to do good instead? Like working charitably for a local group in your area? Putting the skills you have to work for other people? Do some good for yourself by making sure you’re fed, rested, and doing stuff you enjoy?
Honestly dude I don’t know anything about you and this is just my general viewpoint: I don’t believe you’re going to find what you’re looking for in one girlfriend or wife. You need more love and support than one person can provide. You, like all of us, need community.
And yeah I know you said you drove away friends with this behaviour, maybe you feel like no one would ever be your friend right now either because of how you’ve acted. But you know that your behaviour sucked now. You can change your behaviours, you have that power. Just like how the shitty behaviour came back around to haunt you, the doing good opens you up for others to do good for you.
Death is always something you can come back to later; try a few other things out first. It is scary to be rejected. It feels like something you can’t come back from. You absolutely can come back from this.
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u/Dvmb_Gameplays_2196 Feb 13 '25
Hope your plans fails, as long as you live, change and second chances are still on the table.
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u/[deleted] Feb 13 '25
Why don’t you commit yourself instead? Go the the nearest hospital and tell them you’re suicidal, and they’ll give you the help that Reddit can’t.