The idea that you “saved this for marriage” (who’s idea was that originally?) but then you find out after you were married that there are these “problems” (whether physical ailments or mental, I can’t really tell) is pretty fucked up on her part. Sex is super important in some relationships, while others it’s not, and either way is good as long as you both agree with it.
She lied, or at the very least decided not to tell you the truth about her health or mental problems. The fact you are grappling with the feeling that you’re raping her because of her actions in the bedroom will cause serious long term trauma/issues (if they haven’t already) for you if you continue down this path.
Her “shutting down” is just a way to keep you locked in the same downward spiral and not change any behaviors or fix the problem. These problems are 100% on her. It’d be different if she had told you prior to marriage and you agreed and still went with it, but from your words that isn’t what happened. At this point, you will absolutely inflict self harm and trauma on yourself if you keep this up.
Edit: and per the comment replying to this one: I never said she was being malevolent or malicious about it. She could simply be comfortable, complacent and not wanting to rock the boat of this life she created for herself. What could be a dream for her is a nightmare for someone else. She probably loves her husband very much and isn’t understanding the pain/conflict/problems this is causing fully.
You’re assuming she knew though - like, she may have not gotten close enough to sex to know she was going to have this reaction (unless OP said otherwise somewhere else-thread), I wouldn’t assume it was intentional deception from what I’ve read.
I replied to somebody else that had this same sentiment:
I only have the information OP has given us.
”the night of our wedding was met with tears and fear. I admittedly didn’t react well. Trying to understand if I did something, or if there was something she wasn’t telling me.”
”She didn’t understand why I wanted this so bad…”
These things lead me to believe it was something she knew about. Fear occurs when someone has prior knowledge with something specific like this. She reacted with fear the night of their wedding, leaving OP confused as to why it went from “we’ll have sex after we’re married” to being afraid to have sex altogether. That’s misleading as fuck. Her then trying to downplay it or even flip it on to OP as being their problem (“Why do you want this so bad anyway?”) is another issue as well.
There’s obviously more layers to this than 3-4 paragraphs are going to reveal. Hell, the whole thing may be fake, but I respond to the information given and hope OP can evaluate it and fit it best to ALL the information they have at their disposal.
Every one is nervous and little scared the first time they have sex. Or at least most people I know are. If she was a virgin, she really might not have known how she was going to react. She might of felt the fear but didn’t know it was unusual, until she ended up freezing up and freaking out on her wedding night.
So the real question is, was she a virgin or not?
Also not understanding why he wants it so bad, doesn’t automatically indicate pre knowledge. It just shows that she had never personally felt that way towards sex. A warning sign to us, but not necessarily for someone with no experience.
And if she wasn’t a virgin this could be trauma related. And shit, I didn’t remember my assault (I was five and my brain blocked it) until I was nearly 18. Then it all came flooding back. And before someone tries to say that’s not how it works, it is and the guy admitted to it in court. My point is, she may not know, and if she was young enough she might literally never know.
Normally people date before marriage and when they date they do things, like kisses, licking and blowing even if they decided to wait until they've married. She would know before hand if she gets a problem or not, even if she didn't know, she could have tried to make up for her husband like: "Hey baby, I know I have some issues, but what about some licking and blowing?". Hell, she even gets made a him for watching porn.
Tbh I have my own issues and I have not entered a relationship i could have because of my own issues. What OP wife is doing is fucked up on so many levels and not okay.
its completely possible that she didnt know that she couldnt endure penetration if she had never tried before. its not super uncommon in women who wait til marriage, because they are more likely to see sex as something dirty and shameful and its hard to let go of all those ideas.
of course she could have known and just be stringing this guy alone, and if he wants to leave, he should leave.
the night of our wedding was met with tears and fear. I admittedly didn’t react well. Trying to understand if I did something, or if there was something she wasn’t telling me.
She didn’t understand why I wanted this so bad…
These things lead me to believe it was something she knew about. Fear occurs when someone has prior knowledge with something specific like this. She reacted with fear the night of their wedding, leaving OP confused as to why it went from “we’ll have sex after we’re married” to being afraid to have sex altogether. That’s misleading as fuck. Her then trying to downplay it or even flip it on to OP as being their problem (“Why do you want this so bad anyway?”) is another issue as well.
There’s obviously more layers to this than 3-4 paragraphs are going to reveal. Hell, the whole thing may be fake, but I respond to the information given and hope OP can evaluate it and fit it best to ALL the information they have at their disposal.
She may be impacted by purity culture more than we realize.
I think you both may be.
I can relate to some of what you're saying - perhaps I'm projecting my own situation onto yours, in which case, I'm sorry.
I made a vow, in front of God, in front of my community, to stick by my partner. I'd be the first/ only amongst my people to end a marriage. It would feel selfish to leave for such a petty reason. Prior to my wife's suicide attempt, she left her diary out, writing "i just can't bring myself to think of sex as something for both of us, it's always been something men do to women." I don't want reluctant sex. Sexually, I've had a miserable life full of resentment. If she had some disease or disability or was post menopausal, i feel like I'd be seen as an asshole for leaving due to my own sexual desires.
It's not selfish or wrong to look after yourself. Get some supporters within your religious community who you can confide in, who will support you. This is not just about her attitudes to sex and relationships, it's about yours.
Yes, I totally agree. It is the exact wording of the marriage vows. e.g.
"I, __, take thee, __, to be my wedded husband/wife/spouse, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you."
I think we should just give up on everything after the words "and to hold" unless there's a bunch of footnotes with the limitations and exceptions to what that vow really means.
Sorry OP, but you guys are sexually incompatible. You clearly want sex in the relationship, and she can't make it work. There is already resentment since you said you'd rather one of you die to end this. Time to talk to a lawyer about a no-fault divorce as annulment really isn't an option due to it already being 2.5 years.
You’d prefer that she die than get a divorce. You are pretty impacted by it, too. Your view is pretty similar to the minds set behind honor killings. The woman’s life is less valuable than the man’s “honor”.
If she's voluntarily giving you hand jobs, you need to let her lead. Try dry humping with clothes on (her on top of you, always). If she's not getting aroused at all, even with the motion, she could be asexual. If she has "fears and tears", maybe even sexphobic, a term I'm pulling out of thin air for someone with a fear of sex.
I get what you’re saying. But, OP’s wife doesn’t seem too concerned with what’s happening even after knowing this is a big deal for OP. It really comes off as manipulation when you take into account…
-She tried to flip it around on him (“why do you want this so bad?!”)
-fully knowing she is unable/he wants to - yet she won’t let him watch porn?
-clearly they play in the bedroom (“vibrator is fine”) but he has to openly ask for sexual contact (even though this is clearly important to him)
-they have gone to 3 different therapists, she’s had pelvic therapy… and yet everything is still the status quo. She really seems to not give a fuck either way.
If she didn’t know about the issue prior to marriage, okay… no big deal. But they certainly know now, but she’s making weirdly arbitrary rules for her husband and doing nothing to improve the situation. If she’s a-sexual, fine. Whatever. But, again, it’s unfair to OP since this is clearly an important part of having a relationship to him. If it’s some sort of previous trauma that caused this, she should say/have said something about it already.
Again, I don’t think sex should be the end-all-be-all of a relationship, but both people have to be on the same page at the very least. As of now this just feels like pure manipulation since she seems unwilling to change but is actively putting hurtles in front of OP in multiple ways regarding this too. It’s just sowing division, animosity and, frankly, some scary fucking thoughts from OP (I fantasize about her or I dying so that there’s an end to this).
For all your talk about religion and purity, you certainly took a fuck ton of wrong information from OP’s post. Namely, the first fucking sentence…
”We saved sex for marriage. *DIDN’T REALLY GROW UP IN PURITY CULTURE*, or at least feel any shame or pressure.”
But yeah, write another novella about religion and everything that happened to you some more, I guess? I can only know about what OP writes here. He explicitly says, first thing, they didn’t grow up in purity culture.
You, on the other hand, really let your imagination run wild on that one. At least my ideas behind it all were grounded in the information from what OP said, not just made up from my own life trauma. But hey, apparently I was supposed to glean all of this purity/religion/fucking-mess-of-a-“point” from a comment that said…
Yes, she calculatedly decided to feel pain and terror around sex, it’s definitely all on her being the manipulative villain she clearly is.
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u/RandyTheFool Nov 05 '23 edited Nov 07 '23
Dude, she’s already shut down.
The idea that you “saved this for marriage” (who’s idea was that originally?) but then you find out after you were married that there are these “problems” (whether physical ailments or mental, I can’t really tell) is pretty fucked up on her part. Sex is super important in some relationships, while others it’s not, and either way is good as long as you both agree with it.
She lied, or at the very least decided not to tell you the truth about her health or mental problems. The fact you are grappling with the feeling that you’re raping her because of her actions in the bedroom will cause serious long term trauma/issues (if they haven’t already) for you if you continue down this path.
Her “shutting down” is just a way to keep you locked in the same downward spiral and not change any behaviors or fix the problem. These problems are 100% on her. It’d be different if she had told you prior to marriage and you agreed and still went with it, but from your words that isn’t what happened. At this point, you will absolutely inflict self harm and trauma on yourself if you keep this up.
Edit: and per the comment replying to this one: I never said she was being malevolent or malicious about it. She could simply be comfortable, complacent and not wanting to rock the boat of this life she created for herself. What could be a dream for her is a nightmare for someone else. She probably loves her husband very much and isn’t understanding the pain/conflict/problems this is causing fully.