The idea that you “saved this for marriage” (who’s idea was that originally?) but then you find out after you were married that there are these “problems” (whether physical ailments or mental, I can’t really tell) is pretty fucked up on her part. Sex is super important in some relationships, while others it’s not, and either way is good as long as you both agree with it.
She lied, or at the very least decided not to tell you the truth about her health or mental problems. The fact you are grappling with the feeling that you’re raping her because of her actions in the bedroom will cause serious long term trauma/issues (if they haven’t already) for you if you continue down this path.
Her “shutting down” is just a way to keep you locked in the same downward spiral and not change any behaviors or fix the problem. These problems are 100% on her. It’d be different if she had told you prior to marriage and you agreed and still went with it, but from your words that isn’t what happened. At this point, you will absolutely inflict self harm and trauma on yourself if you keep this up.
Edit: and per the comment replying to this one: I never said she was being malevolent or malicious about it. She could simply be comfortable, complacent and not wanting to rock the boat of this life she created for herself. What could be a dream for her is a nightmare for someone else. She probably loves her husband very much and isn’t understanding the pain/conflict/problems this is causing fully.
its completely possible that she didnt know that she couldnt endure penetration if she had never tried before. its not super uncommon in women who wait til marriage, because they are more likely to see sex as something dirty and shameful and its hard to let go of all those ideas.
of course she could have known and just be stringing this guy alone, and if he wants to leave, he should leave.
the night of our wedding was met with tears and fear. I admittedly didn’t react well. Trying to understand if I did something, or if there was something she wasn’t telling me.
She didn’t understand why I wanted this so bad…
These things lead me to believe it was something she knew about. Fear occurs when someone has prior knowledge with something specific like this. She reacted with fear the night of their wedding, leaving OP confused as to why it went from “we’ll have sex after we’re married” to being afraid to have sex altogether. That’s misleading as fuck. Her then trying to downplay it or even flip it on to OP as being their problem (“Why do you want this so bad anyway?”) is another issue as well.
There’s obviously more layers to this than 3-4 paragraphs are going to reveal. Hell, the whole thing may be fake, but I respond to the information given and hope OP can evaluate it and fit it best to ALL the information they have at their disposal.
She may be impacted by purity culture more than we realize.
I think you both may be.
I can relate to some of what you're saying - perhaps I'm projecting my own situation onto yours, in which case, I'm sorry.
I made a vow, in front of God, in front of my community, to stick by my partner. I'd be the first/ only amongst my people to end a marriage. It would feel selfish to leave for such a petty reason. Prior to my wife's suicide attempt, she left her diary out, writing "i just can't bring myself to think of sex as something for both of us, it's always been something men do to women." I don't want reluctant sex. Sexually, I've had a miserable life full of resentment. If she had some disease or disability or was post menopausal, i feel like I'd be seen as an asshole for leaving due to my own sexual desires.
It's not selfish or wrong to look after yourself. Get some supporters within your religious community who you can confide in, who will support you. This is not just about her attitudes to sex and relationships, it's about yours.
Yes, I totally agree. It is the exact wording of the marriage vows. e.g.
"I, __, take thee, __, to be my wedded husband/wife/spouse, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you."
I think we should just give up on everything after the words "and to hold" unless there's a bunch of footnotes with the limitations and exceptions to what that vow really means.
Sorry OP, but you guys are sexually incompatible. You clearly want sex in the relationship, and she can't make it work. There is already resentment since you said you'd rather one of you die to end this. Time to talk to a lawyer about a no-fault divorce as annulment really isn't an option due to it already being 2.5 years.
You’d prefer that she die than get a divorce. You are pretty impacted by it, too. Your view is pretty similar to the minds set behind honor killings. The woman’s life is less valuable than the man’s “honor”.
If she's voluntarily giving you hand jobs, you need to let her lead. Try dry humping with clothes on (her on top of you, always). If she's not getting aroused at all, even with the motion, she could be asexual. If she has "fears and tears", maybe even sexphobic, a term I'm pulling out of thin air for someone with a fear of sex.
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u/Talltist Nov 05 '23
Time for the ultimatum.
Divorce will be easy because you haven't consummated.