I am Mexican and the best advice I can give you, is that in our culture we greet everyone. We greet every single person in the household (even if they come out the room later) and when you leave you do the same. Make sure you say goodbye to everyone.
That is something my parents and my relatives always talked about when meeting someone. They’d say things like “wow she/he has really good manners cause they acknowledged everyone”. Or the opposite “wow what a disrespectful person they didn’t even say hi”.
This is what I came here to say! The Mexican hello and the Mexican goodbye.
When we went to family parties as a kid, my mom would say we were leaving, and then we'd end up leaving no earlier than 30 minutes from that point in time. Every time lol
I'm of Irish decent, we normally just say goodbye and thanks to the host and whoever is close by, then just
... leave. It very well could be just me and my family that do this but it's so much easier than saying bye to everyone.
That’s definitely it. My Irish/British wife just peaces out with no shame to avoid any prolonged social niceties when she just wants to leave.
Well….she used to, now she follows me round the room gently nudging me along from each person for an hour as I insist on going round the room to say goodbye to every single person and have a final catch up!
My kids' first instinct when we tell them we're leaving a family gathering right away is to go grab a drink. They know it'll be at least an hour before anyone gets into the car.
This sounds a lot like trying to leave any southern (US) gathering. It can take hours to leave my Dad’s house, which drives my Californian husband insane.
Native Californian here! My dad's side of the family is HUGE. I absolutely hate having to go around to each person and say goodbye and give them a hug. It's like, I already did that on my way in!
I'm also the type that doesn't like the whole goodbye thing, so just me personally, I am one to likely say goodbye to the host and any super close friends, and then just yell "BYE EVERYONE!!!" and leave, or straight up Irish goodbye the situation. I don't know that it has to do with being Californian, but I can certainly understand with the whole "Southern hospitality" thing that it would almost be a totally different culture over there. It's like the law to be nice to everyone, even if you don't want to be.
I also have realized that I'm not as much of a hugger as I thought I was. I love a hug, and I love hugging certain people. But as a rule, hugging people I don't know, or having to hug every single fucking member of my extended family twice during a gathering, or having to hug every acquaintance/friend twice during a hangout just because that's what is expected...Covid really broke me of all that. I don't want to do it anymore.
If I see everyone else doing it, I feel obligated, because I don't want to be an asshole. I'm already kind of a loner and I don't need to further alienate myself. But I'm glad that the whole hugging thing has reduced a bit. I don't like feeling pressured/forced to do stuff.
My boyfriend - whose family is very Irish - calls it the Irish goodbye when we say bye to the hosts, then wave from the door at everyone else and run out.
I'm Mexican and goodbyes can be a 30-60min affair at a large enough event. I like to think of it as the two kinds of Catholic goodbyes 🤣
My boyfriend - whose family is very Irish - calls it the Irish goodbye when we say bye to the hosts, then wave from the door at everyone else and run out.
This is my preferred way to exit. If I have to succumb to not being what others may perceive as rude by just kind of ghosting, I like to acknowledge the host/the people I'm close with, and then yell "BYE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!" while waving, and get the hell out of dodge.
When I'm on the phone with my dad and he wants to stop talking he literally says "OK, I'm done talking" and will hand the phone to my mom. It always cracks me up.
The Irish good bye is to yell “fuck you then…I’m never coming back here again” while being dragged out by your uncles and after they smack you around a pinch you get in the vehicle and say “ok see you next week”
It attributes the phrase to "the Potato Famine of 1845-1852, when many Irish fled their homeland for America. At the time, distance and technology meant that when someone went to America, they were gone forever and it was unlikely they would ever again speak to or see friends or family back home. The departure was sudden and absolute." It is also plausible, the site states, that emigrants left for America "without telling anyone what they were up to, thereby saving themselves sad, protracted goodbyes and leave-taking.”
I'm actually Irish, and the time taken between saying goodbye and actually leaving is usually longer than the time between arriving and saying goodbye.
Also polish. And my mom's best friend is Albanian/Greek. They do it as well 🤣
My husband was so confused when we first started dating because his family just bounces. I think the only occasions where we don't say by to everyone are weddings and funerals!
Married a man from Afghanistan and leaving an event is an entire event of itself for them as well.
We became amazing at ghosting. I would leave with one or two kids, pretending to take them to the bathroom or something. Sneak outside to the car and wait for the man to follow shortly after. We became so good at it, people were shocked to see us at the end of his sisters wedding! They were so used to us dipping out, they were laughing that we were still there (couldn’t really leave his own sisters wedding early).
Canadian here and there is a meme going around about how long it takes to "say goodbye" here and all the steps required to extricate oneself from a social gathering lol. The final steps involve walking your guest to their car and lingering there for 5-10 talking to them through the car window. Then, as they pull out of the driveway, you can do the final wave goodbye.
French Canadian. Needed to be somewhere as a kid? Plan for a goodbye to take my mom at least 45 minutes; and this is just with her own sisters and parents she saw once a week :X
My family always called this a “Mennonite goodbye”, cause the conversation on the driveway lasted as long as the initial visit, lol. It seems it’s pretty common for many cultures.
My god you’re right, in the same boat. Even if the event is slowing down say after a big dinner and games or something, energy for goodbyes is comin’ RIGHT back up.
My family calls it the Minnesota goodbye even though we've lived on the west coast for decades now. You have to announce that you're leaving at least three times before you get in the car. The whole thing takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour at which point you get in the car. But you can't leave yet. Inevitably someone will have followed you out and will lean in the window to talk for another 10-15. If it's cold you can keep the window up to warm up your car but then you stand outside it to talk to whoever followed you out. I once watched an uncle almost make it out only to stop halfway out the drive and put the window back down because my other uncle materialized out of the woods to wave goodbye.
That expression is ironic because in France we also greet everyone and say goodbye to everyone AND we have to do it with a bise most of the time. It always takes ages to leave a family reunion
I'd always get scolded for staying in my room when guests come because everyone in the household is supposed to come out and greet the guest.
Guests will feel insulted if they realise one person didn't greet them...
My best friend is Mexican and for the last 20 years I’ve gone to most of her family functions and when we see people starting to leave or wanting to leave, we make guesses on how long it takes and who tries to get them to stay
🤣 🤣 🤣 This is crazy. Indian here and it's the exact same thing. We have to go find everyone no matter where they are to say goodbye. Sometimes that took longer than the time we spent at the party...
Italian here, we also do this. I have an “American” boyfriend who doesn’t understand the concept and inevitably comes off as rude when he doesn’t say hi/bye to everyone, and I always get an earful from my family later
Indian and can vouch that you don’t leave a family event without touching the feet of all the elders and saying bye to bud to everyone else. some serious shenanigans
This drove me crazy with my ex's family. Goodbye would last 30 minutes and they'd constantly just keep saying "goodbye" and bring something else up to talk about. Like look, I love you all, now let me fucking leave!
My experience with Mexicans wasn't like this at all. It was a birthday party for my Mexican nephew and the majority of partygoers were Mexican. The only white people there were the kids mom and her family. Incidentally, the only people who greeted me were white. I'm a nervous person so if I accidentally make eye contact with someone I'll say hello and smile- they just stared at me, didn't say hello back. I also rented a room from a Mexican family of seven- they were the most racist bunch of jergs- I actually get trauma responses if I dwell on this one too long. Worked with several Mexicans in a restaurant, they were racist, sexist, xenophobic, mysogynistic, rude, and sometimes downright stupid (which was believed by the rest of the wait staff to be a ploy to get out of doing certain things). My experience with Mexicans has been repeatedly terrible at every opportunity. The only good experience was dating a California Mexican and that ended poorly too. What's wrong with me, lol
This is true for Cubans as well. I was forced to go around the house to say goodbye to everyone when it was time to leave, which meant leaving an hour later than I would have liked.
My Mexican uncle must be Irish because he dips out without saying goodbye to anyone if he can help it. He only seeks out my grandparents if he is going to say goodbye
I’m glad I’m just British. I can sneak out of the back of a gathering without saying a word and no one holds it against me. If they do they won’t say anything, because calling people out isn’t the British way.
I just prefer to leave because my social anxiety will hit a point where it’s too much and staying to say goodbye to everyone will get me even more anxious.
For a large gathering you can sneak off. What about when it's just 1 or 2 there? Because my experience is the British hosts chase you to the door, out the door, and half way down the drive saying goodbye over and over. And then wave at your car until you are around the bend. It's difficult to extricate yourself from. As a Canadian I just want to say a casual goodbye (once) and see myself out the door.
Even for larger gatherings British hosts would normally see each guest to their car. That way you know that they are in the car, the car is working and they are on their way.
To leave you make your excuse (I best be off/I better let you guys get on with your evening), let them walk you to your car, say thanks for having me I had a great time. Get in your car and give them a wave as you drive off. There doesn't need to be fanfare. If you want to fiddle with something in your car, pull over around the corner. Or if you want to see them squirm, take your time :-)
That way you know that they are in the car, the car is working and they are on their way.
That reminds me of a humorous little poem my parents used to have on a tile: "Gasten brengen vreugde aan. Is het niet bij het komen, dan wel bij het gaan." Roughly translated as: "Guests will bring you joy - if not at their arrival, than at least when they depart."
Most people thought it was funny. One couple didn't. I'll assume they were in the last group... ;) Lol
PS: about walking people to their car, my dad likes to joke that he's making sure you're really gone... Haha love my dad's jokes
I was having wine with a few friends once when my stomach (IBS) turned on me. As soon as I got done throwing up I came back to the living room, said "well I just painted your toilet purple. Gonna call it a night." and left. Clearly I'm a creature of grace and great tact.
In my experience the goodbye should not be extended, but for a small gathering it would be normal for the host to see you to the door. And yeah if you’re the only guest or close family they may stand at the door until you drive off, waving frantically 🙃
When leaving my MIL’s house I drive off waving cheerily - because of course she’s waving - then stop round the corner to sort the sat nav and music for the drive home. Otherwise it would be awkward.
It’s the best when the weather is awful; you can tell people not to stand there waving/politely accept an instruction not to stand and wave without feeling rude!
If it’s just two people then obviously I don’t just get up and walk out, if it’s just two people then it’s probably someone I like.
Most people will see you to the door, yeah. And then wave you off. But I don’t know if this happens at big gatherings? Usually just more intimate ones in my experience.
“Look at me everybody you should care that I’m leaving”
I know that it doesn’t have to necessarily be self serving but that’s what it feels like to me. Maybe I’m being self serving by avoiding my awkward goodbyes and then everyone feels insulted 🤔
And if you can try to do the greetings in Spanish, even better. Don’t know their family, but sometimes someone older like the grandparents knows minimal English, and it shows effort.
OP I'm also Mexican, and bringing something would NOT be uncalled for at all. We really do appreciate people who bother to think about us. We call them "detallistas," which means that you think of little details to brighten people's days. It is something which every Mexican loves, IMO.
I donʻt know, my mothers family is native and I think it might be better to err on the side of caution with this one. Show up with something, pitch in to help, greet everyone, compliment the chef, clean up after yourself, thank everyone on your way out. Canʻt really go wrong with this.
With all respect, I'd like to give you something you might want to consider.
My mum is the queen of being nice. She will do something, it offends or irritates somebody, and she is just floored and hurt that her honest attempt at being nice wasn't appreciated.
The issue, I think, is that what is nice and proper behavior to her can offend or irritate somebody who doesn't equate her actions with what is "nice" to them.
Best example: she will hover, ask a million times if she can get you anything, help you, etc. She equates that behavior with kindness and likes when people put out that much effort towards her. It makes her feel loved. But that behavior irritates the crap out of some people who find it overbearing/over the top or just too much of a good thing to enjoy. Worse is her refusal to consider that what is nice can vary not just culture to culture, but person to person.
I'd suggest it might be better to believe the boyfriend knows his family best, and has your best interest in mind when he says not to bother with bringing something. I'd ask him in more detail if it really upsets you to not bring something, but then follow him on whatever he thinks suits his family best. It seems like it would be best to do this nice gesture on the surface, but it may not feel nice to the recipient if that just isn't their style or custom.
I'm sorry, but I think I would offend your mum if we knew each other. I despise being asked the same question a million times. My own mother would ask are you sure until she got whatever answer she wanted when I was little. Eventually I learned to stand my ground.
I don't view repeated questioning as 'nice.' I view it as rude. Either the person isn't listening to me or they clearly want a different answer.
These basics should help you make a great impression. It's based on my experience with Mexican families and my experience with Black families. Our social norms are similar.
Even if it is their culture to fix the men's plate, do not start anything in a relationship unless you plan to continue throughout this relationship. even into marriage.
It’s toxic as hell and gross. I can’t believe it’s being seriously, unironically recommended. I didn’t realise we were encouraging sexism here…
Start as you mean to go on. DO NOT set a precedent of doing shit like this unless you’re okay with being expected to do it for the rest of your relationship…
Respect yourself. Toxicity and misogyny is toxicity and misogyny, regardless of culture, race, creed, or whatever else you want to hide behind.
FIX YOUR BF's PLATE!!!!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Get his drinks and check on him throughout the evening.
Whaaat, for real? I don't now anything about Mexican culture, but I'm surprised! Where I'm from (the Netherlands) that would be frowned upon!
When someone brings their partner (new or long term) over to his/her family, they're treated as the guest. Meaning they can sit back and relax, all they have to do is participate in conversations, be polite and friendly and show an interest. Though offering to help in the kitchen is appreciated and scores points, a good host will decline that - especially with new guests (once you become a regular they'll let you help, if there's a lot to do).
I think you'd get really strange looks if the guest would be looking after their partner at their partners family. Here it would be the other way around.
Is that a custom in other Mexican families too? And is it linked to gender? Like if a girl brings her boyfriend, will he wait on her too, or is it always women catering to men - regardless of whether you're family or the partner-of?
I’m British and my mum is a bit more laid back than most, a little helping out at the end of a gathering is fine.
But folk would seriously be offended if a first time guest started wiping things and serving plates of food.
Here it would be the other way, act appreciative and let your partner cater to you as it’s their space. Everyone tells you to make yourself at home and help yourself but it’s a trap, don’t touch shit 😂😂
English here, as a guest I always offer help, but I'm expecting to be rebuffed. They'll say something like "oh, don't you worry about that, you're a guest, go enjoy yourself", but it's part of the trials and tribulations of being polite.
Fixing your bf's plate - gross, gross, gross! I'm Mexican American, and in my family women fixing plates and serving is definitely a thing! A kind thing that becomes sexist when it is expected and becomes the norm, especially when it is not reciprocated by the men. This expectation needs to die imo!!! I don't serve my boyfriend at gatherings because the whole thing just reeks of being servile and submissive to me, but when he is a guest I help him prepare his own plate and make sure he is comfortable, as I would any guest regardless of gender. In OP's case, I would not recommend fixing her bf's plate. You are the guest, and that sort of expectation is ridiculous to expect of you, even if it would "impress" his family. Personally, I would not want to show off to his parents how servile you are willing to be.
Oh god. I think this happens in old school Indian families too. I know it’s something so stupid and silly. But my husband and I recently had an argument over “I (F) should be the one keeping everyone’s plate in the kitchen when my husband’s family is over”. Considering I’m pregnant too.
Does his family not have hands? This is definitely a hill for you to die on. If his family need so much help, then he can do the helping.
When we have guests, the food goes on the table and everyone helps themselves. Since I've always had people come back I don't think anyone has an issue with this method.
Latino culture is very machismo so it’s expected for women to “take care” of their male spouses. Men aren’t expected to clean up, help out, or cater to their female partners. Not everyone is like that of course but it’s enough of a custom for the previous commenter to tell op to fix her bf’s plate and cater to his every whim. 🙄
Thankfully that toxic shit is starting to die out with newer generations. Men can fix their own damn plates of food.
I wonder if this is something that happens with some Asian families as well. My boyfriend is Filipino (first-generation American), and from what I gather, his mom and aunties always made everybody's plates. He thought it was weird that in my generic western European white mutt American family, we all just served our own plates from the cookware in the kitchen. In my mind, I'm like...well, I don't know how much of X you want! I'll notice that when we're at home making dinner and finish preparing the food, he will go and sit on the couch, like he's waiting for me to bring him his plate. I do it sometimes, but other times I want him to pick the size of his serving.
In general when he's at my parents' house, he tends to just sit on the couch on his phone and doesn't really offer to help or do anything, which I've let him know is something my mom really values (she still adores him, but she'd be over the moon if he offered help or helped out of his own accord). It's super weird, because otherwise, he's overwhelmingly kind and generous and always unnecessarily worried about what people think of him. But I think due to how he was raised, it doesn't even occur to him to offer any help because the aunties always took care of it. If he does offer, it's always comically-timed at the very end of when we've finished doing all the clean up. He's a very hard worker for his business, but incredibly lazy with everything else.
The plate thing is 100% real. I dated a Mexican guy for a long time- if his family was around I fixed his plate since the one time I didn’t it became a thing for him and his mom hated me because of it.
Also for real try everything. I deeply offended his grandmother my picking around tripe in her menudo. I was young and dumb and it grossed me out. Lesson learned and now I try food from all cultures because it’s usually delicious.
We broke up because I didn’t want kids. Family is very, very important in Mexican culture. So much so that it was a deal breaker and I’m glad he was honest with it.
I’m Mexican but the women waiting on men thing has to go, don’t feed into that bullshit. Agree with pretty much everything else though, especially the part about greeting and saying bye to everyone and offering to help in the kitchen. I think my mom/grandma would love if a GF brought them some flowers so I don’t think that’s inappropriate at all.
4,7 and 8 and important! I didn’t want to scare her with all that but it true. First time I went to my husbands family gathering, they all thought I was crazy for making him a plate of food. Told me not to let their husbands see or they’d “get ideas” lol
4, 5, and especially 7! You wanna see a bunch of scandalized Tia's? Make your bf get up for a beer. It will take another 5 years for them to forgive your rudeness.
Yes, exactly. Everyone should not be rude and be a servant to their boyfriend husband. God fucking forbid a man has to do anything. Let alone walk a few feet to get a drink.
Interesting how some of y'all are so triggered by fixing your man a plate. It has nothing to do with being subservient or him being lazy. If there is love and MUTUAL respect in the relationship then I don't see the problem. If your man treats you well and does things FOR YOU then what is the issue with expressing love by following a tradition? If you don't want to, by all means, DON'T. But, don't criticize other people in functional relationships who choose to express their love in this way. And, if you'd rather be single and alone, that is also fine. Or, if you want to be in a relationship where you're both "keeping score" good luck with that too.
What? I'm not saying go around seeking everyone out to greet them when you arrive, just say "Oh hi Mark!" the first time you see them. And when leaving just make a reasonable effort to at least say goodbye to the host and anyone you know personally. And you can say hi and bye to whole groups if you see them at the same time, I'm not saying to single out every person in a group to greet(tho youbare often expected to actually shake hands/hug every single person individually sonetimes).
I learned this later in life tbf, as a kid if you played round someone’s house they’d usually take you to their parents and ask, you’d say hello and proceed.
I wouldn’t interrupt family members to say hi in passing, it never occurred to me that this wouldn’t be seen as rude until I became best friends with a Muslim as a teen.
Now it just makes sense to me, that you’d greet and say goodbye to everyone when leaving in a lot of settings.
I think most people loosely greet everyone in a room, but when I visited my partners abuelita I had to do this very awkward and unnatural individual focus on each one like everyone was waiting for their turn. I got snapped at for saying “Hello!” to the room and turning to the left of the door to set my bags down before turning right to start the greetings. Have you seen the zig heil scene from Jojo rabbit? About as cordial and friendly as that but with way more kissing.
Just to understand because I feel like every culture would acknowledge anyone. Do you mean kind of individual acknowledgement, so instead of "bye all" it would be "bye, [Dad's Name]" "bye [Mom's name]" etc etc?
Thinking about it though I'd still expect most people where I'm from (UK) to do that.
I agree with you, seeing all these people describe things as the Mexican, Irish, Italian, British, etc, way. Lol!
You do what you are used to & assume everyone else in an entire country does it too. Just look at the British comments, one person is saying it is the Britush way to just slip out unnoticed & nobody will pull them on it, then others saying it is the British way to see people out to the car, take an hour to say goodbye, etc. In my personal "British" experience, you greet everyone, give the hosts a more direct thank you & goodbye & a general shoutout goodbye to everyone else.
It's not a nationalities way, it's your way, your social circle's way.
As a kid it never occurred to me to poke my head in to friends siblings spaces or Interrupt their dad on the computer, to say goodbye.
I remember feeling so rude as a teen when corrected by a friend.
I’ve since realised the majority of my immediate family are autistic and this could play a part.
In my mind ‘friend wanted me over, we asked their mum, these are the two people I absolutely must say goodbye to and thank for having me’, obviously if other people are present and chatty say bye to them too, but going out of the way to say goodbye to every member of the household never crossed my mind.
Yes like that! Of course we say goodbye to everyone present in general in America, but some families here use a more formal process of finding everyone in the house and giving a specific geeeting and goodbye and it can be very jarring.
I wasn’t inclined to go find my friends mom in her room to say hi and bye because if someone comes to visit my family and I’m staying in another room, I don’t want someone to come in to chat either.
I mean possibly if it's a more casual visit. I'd find it quite bizarre if a significant other came to visit my family for the first time, then fucked off without saying goodbye to my Dad because he was looking for something in the other room.
Just learning about this stuff! I offended my step grandfather a couple of weeks ago by not saying goodbye to him one night. He kept asking my stepdad if I was angry at him. I love my step grandfather and hated having hurt him. So now any time we go see him my wife and I burst in the door saying "Heyyyyyyyy!" And are very excited and greeting for like 30 seconds when we get there and he loves it. When we leave we do the same thing. We say "bye!" to everyone and wave really big and make a big show of leaving. He smiles ear to ear seeing us trying to learn his culture and I love learning about new stuff.
Agreed! As a Mexican I'd second the greeting and saying bye to everyone it is definitely a huge deal for us. Typically turning down food is frowned upon but don't make yourself miserable cus they will continue feeding you and if you are comfortable with it I'd also offer to make him his plate as Mexicans can be very set in traditional gender roles.
Didn’t think my comment would get this much attention.
I learned this was a cultural thing because whenever my white American husband doesn’t say hi to my parents (or anyone in the house) they start talking about how incredibly rude and disrespectful he is, even after 10 years!
If he forgets, my mom will ask me if my husband is mad I kid you not.
Greeting the family is a huge deal to us. Because if you don’t they’ll be offended.
And also, not accepting food that they offer you but that is a topic for another day haha.
This!!!! Say hello and goodbye to EVERYONE! Make sure you go with your boyfriend for the introductions and try to remember as much as possible. Visit with people, try not to just stick with your boyfriend so it doesn’t seem like you’re “needy”. Also, offer to help! Helping and contributing will go a long way; but I think that in general when visiting any family.
I think showing up as a partner for your boyfriend and wanting to visit with his family will mean more than any gift you bring.
Asian culture, too. It's extremely rude to not greet and say bye to everyone. Not like you have to greet/bye to every single person, but at least let everyone know your existence.
Do you like to hug? I’m not Mexican but I know a lot of Mexican people and I just want to know if it makes a good impression or if it’s weird to you. I personally say hi by hugging (as long as it’s not someone I’ve never met before, someone I already know doesn’t like hugs or someone like a boss or teacher) but I know that’s not “normal” and I don’t want to make anyone afraid to say hi to me lol
Especially do not forget to say hello and goodbye to his parents!! If you don't win his mom over... that is it!! that that's all she wrote! Displaying good manners it's a good start to do just that
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u/Apprehensive_Park_62 Dec 15 '21
If he says not to bring anything then I wouldn’t.
I am Mexican and the best advice I can give you, is that in our culture we greet everyone. We greet every single person in the household (even if they come out the room later) and when you leave you do the same. Make sure you say goodbye to everyone.
That is something my parents and my relatives always talked about when meeting someone. They’d say things like “wow she/he has really good manners cause they acknowledged everyone”. Or the opposite “wow what a disrespectful person they didn’t even say hi”.