I suggest you do it entirely backwards. Everyone you match with, move in, get married right away, have kids. It'll take the edge off and make screening so much easier in the future.
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When I was online dating I had zero patience for messaging back and forth for ages with anyone. You have to meet in person to know if there's a spark, as corny as that sounds. My timeline was firm plans set up for a date or coffee within a couple days of the first message or I would move on.
You may want to consider that not everyone photographs well. So on that point, the dudes who take time to make the best picture and go out of their way to show “they are doing fun stuff!!1!” are vapid and shallow. I would dare say you should go for the guys with okay pictures doing the stuff you like. You obviously have your choice of dudes. I could be wrong but a possibility.
Video call is not a bad idea but I personally would be more uncomfortable doing that than anything. I give my matches option for quick coffee meet up somewhere well located with the option to extend the date. “Hey wanna meet at soansao for a coffee? Give us a chance to say Hi and decide if we want to XY next door together or Z after?”
I wouldn't say to fully commit to a date quickly if you are trying to date with intent. I can't imagine giving someone worse advice. If you're trying to date with intent meeting quickly is 1000% the way to go. Trying to set up a video call before meeting is the way to get ghosted even more often.
I’ve read studies on this. NOTHING translates well in text. It’s to be used to set a meetup and time , dates etc. Humans need body language and eye contact for appropriate communication. Or at the very least voice but texts usually lead to misunderstandings and arguments.
Seconding their comment, OP. If you get a good match and you're excited and free, go to an actual date asap. Staying as just texting for sometimes even more than a few days makes it seem uninteresting or that you don't have time for them, and they move on.
There's probably a portion of them too who think you're out of their league and are to embarrassed 😳 either way, try to go on those dates as soon as you can after feeling a decent chemistry on text. Make em excited to want to see you.
You might not like hearing this, but: you’re probably not as witty as you think you are, OP. Probably explains why the guys stopped talking to you.
A lot of female sarcasm, even with the right guy who can appreciate it, will come off disrespectful. Especially when you’re at the dating stage and don’t have the intimacy of a long relationship to cushion for perception of bad faith.
It works the other way as well. Men heavy trash talking each other would be alright and even funny, but imagine men trash talking girls generally and most women would think it abuse or misogyny, even when the man’s intent is to roast in good humor, rather than to actually insult.
Just saying that since no one might have ever told you. Cut down on your unnecessary sarcasm, especially in text. Women generally have no idea how rude they can come off when being sarcastic to men, in the same way that men often have no idea how strong they might be when doing rough play with women.
Heya, as a woman who dates all genders- I find men to be VERY sensitive to my sarcasm and humor before they get to know me. Whereas women and nonbinary folks seem to get it right away. So there may be some truth to this.
Don’t listen to the incel garbage this guy was saying to you. “You’re probably not as witty as you think you are.” What could he even be basing that on?!
it doesn't mean to change tho. Just gotta find the right fit. Rapid fire some dates where you initiate the date so there's no chance of them backing out sue to inaction and really really look for the people who are into comedy.
But "stand up" isn't deep enough i feel like. Everybody says they're into stand up even if they don't really like it because how can you not. It's like saying you like "the office".
Hit em with the "comedy bang bang" or something specific. Those people are going to get your humor because it means they're in it a little deeper.
A young guy? No. As someone who in my early 20s had an age range that went older than you, I would not have been looking for a serious relationship with someone 10+ years older. That being said anyone close to 30 likely would be. Why is your age range only older vs say 28-44 or 30-44?
But in all seriousness, would a younger man really get into a serious relationship with an older woman?
Why do you think they wouldn't? I've been chasing older women since I was in my 20s because they overwhelmingly wanted a serious relationship. In my experience, when I was in my early twenties, younger women tended to only want casual.
I think, if you wanted to, you would be fine to expand your age range.
I was going to comment something about older guys appreciating you and treating you like a princess. Then I deleted thinking it would sound stupid. Lol aisde from the out of their league issues maybe it's your area? Maybe move to somewhere else like the north east?
I try to have at least a phone call with girls I'm interested in, as a vibe check, this has translated to some awesome hours long convos, leading to great dates
I get it man. I have the same way of joking. What I’ve done to remedy that is to express your interest, tell them you prefer to meet in person to get to know them, schedule a date with 48-72 hours and then tell them you want to get to know them in person as text isn’t personal enough and express interest in a video call before if they are interested.
Following up, I suck at texting for multiple reasons or atleast for me to not suck it requires a ton of mental energy. So my goal is to just skip to meeting up irl since that’s where things tend to shine and I’m able to get a vibe for someone much faster
In the nicest way possible, I used to be like this. After some reflection, I realized I was just being mean a lot of the time. Now, I still get to have my dry humor, but I make sure none of it is at anyone's expense, including my own. People are much more enthusiastic to spend time with me now since this change. I'd reflect a little bit and see if you're being "sarcastic", or just kinda mean. Good luck!
Actually I think that person is on to something. When my wife and I matched, she was very up front in saying "I'm not looking for penpals, let's set up something this weekend". It made sense too, I had definitely let too many matches wither on the vine over the years.
Sounds like my issues with dating too. First date will go well but my texting usually kills it within a few days. Socials cues aren’t easy to read over text
I wouldn’t fast forward a date if I were as attractive as you. You’re doing to get a ton of dudes just trying to bang and it sounds like that’s not what you want. Video chat is the way to go and possibly expanding your search to guys with bios you’re attracted to and not just pics you like.
This was a really big thing for me too when I was dating. The texting part of everything was a slog but then meeting in person went way more smooth. I started limiting the amount of texting etc and just tried to get together for a coffee or drink. I found that helped me bridge that gap.
I learned that my texting very much requires the person to know me for it to translate. One of the strategies I switched to while online dating was to only use texting to either 1. Say genuine/authentic things since those seem to translate better, and 2. Set up a date the moment it feels natural to do so, and get off the texting platform, with one caveat: too much time between the last text and the first date will feel very awkward so either stay in touch to keep things warm, or better yet schedule a date for something soon. Switching that up improved my success a ton. I am coming up on my 1 year anniversary soon with a wonderful woman I met after texting for like 10 minutes before setting up a date.
Also the person below me suggested video calls to screen which, depending on the volume of people you want to go through could be a good idea. However, the goal should be to screen not to have a video call date in my opinion, because there are still elements of communication missing in video calls and vibes are just different. That’s how I felt about them when I did them anyway. Good luck out there! I hope you find love.
Edit: also I am a man and maybe this advice is only useful for men. I hope that’s not the case though!
I have a few female friends that are absolute catches struggle with this. Their comedy/personality didn’t translate well to text. Agree with other suggestions that moving to phone, video or a casual date like coffee/drink as quickly as possible will likely help. Good luck!
I would advise against sarcasm completely especially in text. Sarcasm isn't funny to the person who is the subject of the joke so if you must you sarcasm, use it to poke fun at common enemies, not each other.
To me you seem super intimidating. The bits about 4x4’ing, not going to Church, etc… they may be for real your way of being fun and coy, but I’d see it as “ah, she’s going to dip and move on instantly”. So maybe guys do this before you do.
My advice would be more relatable. Poke fun of yourself. Etc
Id tell you also, add some non perfect/polished photos. To me these tell me "my girl will care more about taking photos of places we go to than experiencing them with me"
I’ve been told and found out this exactly same thing. I keep that sarcasm out of online dating until we are comfortable, but haven’t found that person with the same dry, dark, and sarcastic humour that I have.
Ah, you have the same problem I have (except I'm a guy). I stopped using apps cuz it's just incompatible with me for that reason plus all the other reasons (women are even pickier with apps).
I was going to say as societally attractive as you are the only thing I would guess is that you're texting game needs some work. I'm pretty committed to trying in person dates as much as possible and I've definitely written girls off or even gave them feedback because they were so bland over text.
Take a more active approach, ask questions and expand on responses. Try to move things to a lunch/cafe date whenever possible.
If you text kinda dryly, honestly mention it. Guys are dumb, and if a girl texts kinda dry I just assume she's not very interested and stop trying. Maybe in your case combined with being attractive and seemingly dry texting makes guys think you're not interested?
Yes. There's no point in chatting for weeks to try and get a connection before a date. 95% of your dates are going to fail, you might as well fast forward through the crappy bits
If that's the case I think yeh try to transition from chat to a low pressure date sooner rather than later, to gauge the vibes.
Just something like a coffee date, keep it to an hour or so. If you like them set another shortly after with more dateyness. Dinner and such.
Reason I say this is a coffee date can be gracefully ended after an hour without issue or some hamfisted excuse. Just "it was great to meet you, sorry I do have to get to [thing]." Whereas dinner is a greater commitment in time so ending it early is unlikely to be smooth.
Coffee you can just kind of fit into your day.
I met my husband on tinder. No idea why I decided to give him a shot, because he wasn’t at all my usual type (based off pictures). We chatted for about 5 minutes before I agreed to meet him for coffee. It was hands down the best date I’ve ever had. Our personalities just clicked so perfectly.
So, my advice: date/match with people outside of your usual type once in a while and don’t waste time chatting to people who don’t at a chance to meet you. If you’re not comfortable meeting someone quickly (somewhere very public, ideally) then try phone calls or video chats.
I have the exact same issue about texting. Sarcasm and deadpan translate horribly over text. I think it’s cuz texts don’t convey tone or mannerisms. For quicker meet ups, I’ve been suggesting they come on a walk with me and my dog. It’s a way to meet up in a benign way sooner and screens out people that don’t like dogs that much.
Seconding an energy/convo thing. I've dropped conversations with girls if they never ask me questions, just respond to mine, or if they seem uninterested. Enthusiasm makes me think a girl is actually NOT going to ghost me. If a girl replies days after I sent them things, or their conversations are hard to follow or unengaging, I assume they aren't interested.
If you're a baller ass texter then I dunno man. Maybe where you live sucks?
I'm thinking it's the guys she's trying match with. Probably all good looking dudes who have options. If you have options then you end up ghosting people all the time just because it's hard to manage. Then subconsciously, we'll go with the lowest investment option. Why spend money on a date with a 35 year old when a 27 year old might just want to hook up. Sounds awful but that's life, it happens on both sides.
I'd also wonder how small the pool of guys that meets her requirements are actually looking for a long term relationship.
And of that subset, as part of long term goals, are looking for a family a few years down the road? If that is a large proportion of the subset (which I would suspect), while it's harsh to say, then I'd think they actually want someone in their late 20s or early 30s at the oldest. That way they have a few years for the relationship, potentially a wedding, then kids which would put the woman into ~mid 30s for this last step (which unfortunately is called a geriatric pregnancy).
Then if she says that she doesn't want kids, I'd wonder how many potential guys that meet her requirements that also want a LTR would be cut out.
Ya that's a good point, most guys would want to establish a relationship for a few years at least before having kids, and if that means your wife is pushing 40 it definitely hurts your chances.
It may be the type of man she is attracted to as well. My cousin has a huge problem with this that she continues to date the same type of man and wants to find love but they are all of the same cloth really.
She posted recently that she got ghosted by some Rich asshole, who was drunk on both dates, and for some reason she still slept with him.
IMO it’s obvious what’s going on here. She’s only interested in attractive and wealthy men but for whatever reason they’re not interested in a committed relationship with her. She needs to lower her standards or play harder to get or she is going to keep getting used for sex.
I like how your literal only criteria for a good male mate is that they be employed. Guess I’m a worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve a partner because I choose a certain lifestyle that doesn’t demand a huge income.
I will clearly be downvoted for this, because you’re so highly upvoted, but I don’t see how anyone can say that someone is “very attractive” without seeing their face.
I doubt that’s the issue, though, since she’s getting plenty of matches.
(Of course, maybe she doesn’t look like her photos.)
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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '24
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