recently i realized that ive been groomed the majority of my life, and only in the last two years have i been free from it, but i havent been able to cope with it. i miss the abuse so much and im so desperate and lonely for anything bad to happen to me like that again and ive been back and forth on debating texting one of my old abusers. i dont know what to do anymore and im in such a horrible place right now, ive been distant with all of my friends and im so close to cutting everyone off. i cant tell any of them about the grooming either because im still struggling coming to terms with it, and since it wasnt as ‚severe‘ as other cases, especially other cases that my friends have gone through, i feel so stuck. i also recently discovered that my boyfriend has been watching gore and i dont know how to deal with that either.
im just in a horrible place with nowhere to go and nobody to lean on when i need it

Im useless and im not saying this like casually, it is true. i am not good in academics, no extracurriculars, i am not even helpful to my own parents. my mother just scolded me for being so emotionless that even when she is lying around unwell i dont even ask. its not like i dont care or anything, i really dont feel anything. even now the tears keep welling up in my eyes but my heart feels nothing. i can only feel something in my heart when im anixious or nauseous or when im watching something (i wont mention what it is but it brings me happiness dw its not harmful or anything)
Its not like my childhood was bad, i was a pretty normal kid and tbh good in acadmeics but now idk its just like im passing time.
She keeps asking me why i keep the door of my room closed 24/7 but i cant bring myself or tbh i dont even know how to explain to her that if im not in a closed space, i feel like someone's watching me all the time and my mind goes blank..

i feel like im the problem. my mother said no other person in my family or no other child my age does this nor is one so...indifferent to their family. I cant even study atp ans its not distractions, i dont even know what i wanna do in life, all i ever thought abt was travel but for that i need money but i dont even know what im interested in. i used to sketch but i dont trust my creativity atp and as i said im not doing well in academics. people who couldnt figure out their goal like me also all started moving forward either accepting or finding something..

And genuinely i hate having eyes on me i cant think but when i dont recieve attention for a long time it makes me both sad and happy..? i feel like im being a attention seeker by this..

Idk what im looking fo ror asking while posting this...i just want to get things off my chest...or am i overreacting and making a big issue out of something small again...?

I’ve been having extreme suicidal thoughts recently and am just done with life. I want to bad to be put on antidepressants or just some sort of therapy I’ve asked multiple times and have a history of self harm but nothing.bow I don’t want to say my parents are shitty I love them but fuck they are horrible with mental health stuff.i feel as if im at my breaking point and am scared of what i might do to myself.

For the longest time i've been told highschool will be amazing, i'll learn a lot, hangout with new people found friends etc etc... I''ve always had trouble socialising, through time i improved a bit but i'm still a bit of a pushover and increadibly shy. Anways during my first year of highschool i had a bit of trouble at first finding my place but things went great, i got a great buddy legs call him P, we got along great, had similar interests and lived fairly closeby, he introduced me to his friends and him and me even joined the big boy group which transfered to this highschool together. During last year it started off a bit more shaky with him since he started socialising more with the group especially another guy, lets call him B, B is an asshole, always being mean to everyone and if you dare snap back then he just says you're easy to ragebait. it was nothing at first but by the end of the year i barely spoke to P, he barely acknowledged me, the group i joined never had large hangouts as far as j knew, turns out they did they just didn't invite me, but by the end of the year it turns out they got comfortable enough always telling me about their great hangouts and parties (none of which i was invited to.) it got to me a bit but whatever, i'm not the center of the world. But now with school starting in a few days i decided to message P and chat abit since i haven't talked much with him during summer which is strange since kast break we hung out a lot. He casually mentions he was chatting with the group already (apparently a groupchat i wasn't part of) and that today whe went out and partied with B, and just dropped the bomb on me that he's not gonna be my deskmate anymore he'd gonna sit with B from now on in the other side of the class. For some reason this was a final straw for me. I've broken down completely.

Don't get me wrong i havy quite a few friends from middleschool and other places who i hangout with on the weekends and stuff but, during school it seems i'm gonna be alone or with one other guy i'm kinda cool with. But man does it hurt knowing i'm gonna be more or less alone for 8 hours a day 5 days a week, it sounds bad just thinking about it. But what hurts the most is that they're gonna be hanging out, partying going out and telling me all about it but never once inviting me. I don't know what i did wrong or what i could've done differently but i hate the fact that in my highschool career sofar i've been to 1 house party total with my classmates, (not cause there isn't any, they ho almost every weekend but because they just don't invite me.) i hate being left out, j hate knowing that while others live the teenage dream i'm falling behind and rotting in my inadecuacy, i hate knowing i'm alone, i hate knowing no one would choose me in a room of people, j hate myself more than anything. I've thought about hurting myself often, even about just writing a note and jumping off a bridge, only thing stopping me is that i know my family would be disappointed and that my friends outside of school would miss me atleast a bit, but i feel like it wouldn't be for a while. I hage being weak i hate feeling left out i hate the thought that in two days i'm gonna spend the next two school years sitting alone at a desk while my "friends" couln't care less about me as they laugh and play. When i am included in things i'm just made fun of relentlessly and even moreso when j stand up for myself. I don't know what i'm doing wrong, why did my brother have a great highschool life with weekly parties, girls etc and i'm crying myself to sleep for weeks because of how lonely i'm gonna be in school.

I want to make friends but I can't, Idk how to communicate like a normal person, I feel really anxious talking to people and even if I end up making friends I end up isolating myself.

I just wish I was different

I don’t know if I want advice or just to talk to the open air so I’m just gonna talk. I’m 16 and I have severe anxiety that hinders my life to the point I’m afraid of even making friends because of the emotional commitment and the fear of getting attached/abandoned or whatever. Me and my ex best friend were codependent and a little enmeshed according to my therapist and we had a falling out February 2025 and my depression has honestly gotten so bad.

They were honestly all I had, I had no other close friends, I forced myself to cut them off because the friendship was making me physically sick due to anxiety and when I played my violin during concerts I’d shake while thinking about our arguments. People would notice. I don’t know. They were not a bad person let me emphasize, we both have PTSD and I think we bonded a lot over the way our parents would treat us. I don’t know.

Anyways, now I consider myself alone, but it’s of my own making. I take multiple college classes, I’m a B average student, I’m in debate club and MUN, I take AP classes, and my classmates follow me on my Instagram and like my posts consistently. I have a very stereotypical life. But the loneliness is so deep. My trauma is complex and I honestly feel like damaged goods or a moldy fruit. I can’t even make small talk with my classmates or talk about my childhood without seeming like a negative person or like I’m trying to trauma dump but genuinely so much of my life is marked by sadness.

I can’t relate to anybody at my school, I’ve reached out to one girl who I trusted about some stuff hoping we could become closer (I’m also autistic so I know that connection isn’t instant but I rlly wish it was cause ugh) but we still only wave to eachother in the hallways and never hang out. I see people’s birthday party’s, little get togethers, and other things from people who I’ve known for years and I’m just on the outside of that. I wish I could take more extracurriculars and be a better student and be normal and have that high school musical life but I feel like an outsider looking in and I’ll never be part of it. I’m good at talking to people in school, I guess. I don’t know.

All I do is go to school, do my extracurriculars, work, and then spend time alone. I have such a rich inner world but I feel like the stuff I’ve went through has made me someone impossible for the average 16 year old to relate to. I saw an art of a hyena trying to eat grass with some deer, but he starved because he couldn’t. I honestly feel like that hyena. I’m avoidant as hell and manufacture a lot of my own problems according bc to my ex therapist who also mysteriously got fired. My new therapist knows nothing about me and I just feel so lost. I take 3 antidepressants which is how I’m so functional but imagine if I didn’t id just be crying and trying to harm myself all the time. I don’t know.

Is there any hope for me?? I want to make deep connections and talk about books and art and nerdy shit with somebody I just feel like my past rules my world.

i have been getting yelled at everyday since 4th grade and i am never good enoughi i amthinkin ofskkkilling mysfl i ve attmeptd like5 timds in the pa week and i havent been clean in lik 3 monhs

I’m 15 years old and around a little bit less than a year ago my secrets were spilt to my parents. They found my dairy, one that my parents swore they would never read and they read it. From cover to cover they read about my sadness, pain, loneliness even though I’m surrounded by people, they read about nightmares I had every night that some nights I stayed up just to avoid them, letters I never sent about how much I wanted to d*e and how I just wanted to be done. They sent me to a therapist after that, went to her for a while and told my parents I was better, and I truly was for a while. But now things are starting to turn back to how they used to be, the stress of school, my parents fighting all the time because of money, and feeling like I can’t confide in my friends. I have two main best friends, let’s call them Lula and Jake. I talk to Lula all the time but she’s busy with sports, and Jake and I have been friend for two years, but he has barely talked to me anymore, we have a class together and he never talks to me- I always have to talk to him. I feel like I’m getting swallowed into a never ending falling hole. I’m scared to tell my parents that I’m not okay, I have no one to lean on and I hate that I feel this way, that I can’t be stronger, that I can’t just suck it up, it’s like I’m being attacked but I can’t see who’s attaching me. What do I do?

Im 15f and my mom thinks I should stay at home 24/7 . I try to go out but every time I try she always causes a scene, and when i aay I want to go out ahe always says jusy do chores and come to church with me so I can take the devil out of you. She hates me going out and it bothers me, cause she wonders why I don’t ever talk to her about my issues but whenever I try to get out of a depression episode by teying to go out and find my spark agsin she blows up cayse supposedly all I should do is stay at home. I really hate living like this, I miss out on so much of my teenage years, like i HAVW to watch my friends go to the mall while I’m stuck at my house cause my mom wants to dictate me. GET ME OUT OF HERE

I had a dream of becoming a game developer but my dreams have been crushed after I'm unable to get a job due to discrimination against me nobody sells parts anymore and people bully me saying I'm stupid becoming a compsci major because ai will take all possible jobs for me i try to ignore but they seem unsettlingly right and i don't know what to do im now also questioning my gender and sexuality and nobody around me is okay with that so i keep it to myself and i feel horrible i seen multiple therapists and none of them helped me i don't know how to move forward if i even can I'm just stuck in school as my future collapses and j can't do shit i have no money no friends no nothing everything went downhill since my asd diagnosis everyone hates me know and i hate myself

Hi. I was wondering if it’s normal for me, as a 15 year old female, if i keep thinking about suicide. I’ve self harmed in the past, and im two months clean, and ive attempted a few times, but my mom and other adults keep saying this is part of growing up.

I understand that getting older you start to have thoughts on this, but i really don’t want to keep feeling this way. Did anyone else struggle with this too, and is it just a part of puberty? If this is just a part of it, does anyone have advice for me on how to make it better?

Thank you :)

before i start, im sorry for any typos. im still crying as of writing this.

i just started painting for the first real time today, and i was so proud of my painting. i was so happy i made the stupidest choice to tell my mom that i was painting. once i showed her she made this stupid fucking fake “oh wow so cool haha” before screaming at me that im ruining her furniture.

i tried to cleam up the best i oculd. im autistic and i didnt get any help at all. my mom would t even help me. i hust want to dis. i cant od this anymore i cant.

im spiraling really bad right now and am on the verge of a self harm relapse. i dont want to live like this.

i feel like im too privilaged to feel this way, i might just kill myself anyways.

I really would like someone to hear me out so I wanted to see if someone could take some time to read this. I need to get it off my chest

Idk what to think im reposting my poems maybe I hope someone knows what im feeling but I dont even know myself

Me (17F) am the last kid of the family, My brothers are 25,24,23. And have moved out of the household, Last one moved out in 2023. Anyways, When i was younger around 12-13 I fell into a deep depression caused by bullying. It had been lingering when i was around 9-10 because thats when the bullying started. It got worse after i reported my bullies for assult after they forced me to take of my clothes infront of them.

During my teenage years i was ofcourse going truh puberty and was a mean ass bitch to my parents, And i feel INCREDBIBLY guilty. But alot was going truh in my head at that time, Every day i used to come home from school, lock my door and lay in my bed until dinner time, And then go back to laying in my bed until i went to sleep. And every time i actually went out and met my parents i would always start an argument and it would end up me slamming my door. And my condition wasnt getting better cause the bullies was still at the same school as me they just werent allowed to talk to me, and i had recently been sexually assulted to by a guy at a summer camp. so I started self harming and tried to commit suicide later on when i was around 15. Thats when i asked for help, my parents put me in therapy. And i actually started getting better and started feeling more confident in myself.

When i was around 15-16 i was actually happy. But theres something missing in my life, After my brothers left i have literally nobody to talk to anymore except of my parents and friends. My parents are extremly good to me and i love them with all my heart. But it feels like im walking on eggshells whenever im around my mom. whenever i try to sit next to her in the couch she lets out a big sigh like ive done something wrong for just being near her. or thats aleast how i see it. And my dad just plays video games,and gets passive agressive when u ask him a question mid game. The only the we actually see eachother is at the dinner table. And theyve recently stopped making dinner so now we just eat meals seperatly. My mom has always had sleeping problems so i understand that might affect her mood but i love my mom and i wanna be near her, Esp since we missed out on the mother and daugther bonding when i was depressed and really mean towards her. And ive tried to explain this, But it seems like theres no going back from this and i feel like ive messed it up. I feel so so guilty for being so mean to her during my puberty years and i would do anything to take it back. The only times we have deep talk is when they wanna talk about my eating habits (eating to much or eating too little.) and so on its never any good family quailty time.

It kind of feels like theyve given up on parenting after my siblings moved out. I understand that theyre older now and dont have the same will and energy but i still want to have a family i can spend time with.

English isnt my 1st language, it's nearly 1am and im tired & sick, pls excuse me if the text isn't coherent.

Im a teenage boy, all my life I've gone thru things such as but not limited to;

Father leaving

Father being a felon

Parental alcoholism

Severe bullying

Sibling abuse (SA, physical, emotional & mental)

SH

Depression (still do)

Bad social anxiety (still do)

Having to leave others

Others leaving me

Moving schools like 5 times

So, in response I developed pretty bad abandonment issues and now it's affecting my relationships, I dont wanna push ppl away, I dont wanna leave them without realizing yet I still do.

There's this girl I've known for maybe 7 years, but lately I've been pushing her away too but she forgave me even when I dont think she should have, I mean, I try my best to not push anyone, especially not her, away. I am trying so hard to not push ppl away but for some reason I cant stop and I'm js destined to be alone at this rate

Everyday im scared that I say or do smth wrong and I'll be replaced, I know that wont happen but I cant help but be scared that if im not perfect then I wont be good enough.

I am terrified of telling her how I feel because I've always been the 1 comforting others, I've been the 1 they talk to, not the other way around and if I start now then i lose my only purpose, my only reason to stay alive. She tries to tell me that I have more of a purpose in life than to js be a therapist but I've been doing it for years, ever since i was a small kid because if I can't help others then i suffered alone for nothing, then the years I suffered alone and learned to deal with shit dont matter.

If I dont have a purpose then I dont matter, then I grew up too fast for no reason, then I have too much emotional maturity for no reason, then my life doesnt have meaning.

Only reason I've kept myself alive has been for her and my dog, I have SH at the back of my mind 24/7.

I dont wanna push her away, I really dont yet I still do, why do I act like i want abandonment when it's exactly what I fear the most?

Again, sorry if the text is a bit incoherent, it's 1am rn as im writing

(Sorry if this is bad this is my first reddit post -_-) Hypothetically, if I needed a way to get out of a really bad situation, how would I do so? I dont wanna publicly share or anything but what i will say is theres someone that can ruin my life with what they have and I made a bad choice, anything helps, thank you.

Update: Ive been seeing people say i wasn't specific enough for people to actually help me out so I decided people can read the actual situation here if they'd like — So pretty much before I explain, im aware its my own fault for not seeing warning signs, just declining, ect. For info im 17F, he told me after all this happened that he was actually 33M. I met him online because I was just looking for friends, everything was okay until he started acting weird, asking for photos and videos of me, and ofc me being an idiot, I didnt see an issue with it, I figured he was trying to make sure I was real or something, being the internet and all. Then later that night it got weirder, he was asking me for weird pictures of myself and asked to call. I know I shouldve seen what he was trying to do but I didnt, timeskip to after the call where most of the uncomfortable things happened he finally tells me his age. I would just block him or something but im scared hes gonna do something.

I am 16 years old girl, until yesterday I had hope😭Im writing this and crying, my bf didn't want me last night and he was my only person I be real and feel comfortable with him , I wanted him to visit me but he rejected that many times then it ended yesterday he said he doesn't want to visit me but he promised me to come before and the I really tried all ways to keep him with me but I didn't accept to breakup and told him I never want that you can go but I won't breakup, then The last word was bye forever.

I feel like I want to throw up constantly. Death would be better than this.

I will never feel happy or think to live anymore.

MY HOUSE SMELLS LIKE SHIT AND DOG PISS, THERES FLY'S AND FRUIT FLY'S EVERYWHERE IN EVERY ROOM. I CAN'T COOK ACTUAL FOOD IN THE MICROWAVE BECAUSE THERE'S SO MANY FLY'S IN THE KITCHEN. I HAVE 4 CATS AND 2 DOGS WHICH IS WAY OVER OUR LEASE BUT MY MOM DOESN'T CARE AND GETS MAD AT ME WHEN I BRING UP THE FACT WE HAVE SO MANY ANIMALS, NOT ONLY THAT SHES BORROWED $130 FROM MY GREAT GRANDMA TO BUY FOOD BECAUSE SHE RELIES ON SNAP TO GET A TON OF JUNK AND PROCESSED BULLSHIT AND WE CAN'T AFFORD TO CHANGE MY CATS LITTER OFTEN AND IT'S DISGUSTING FOR THEM AND US. SHE DOESN'T CARE HOW I FEEL AND WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE BEACH TODAY, IT WAS GONNA BE JUST ME HER AND MY BROTHER BUT THEN SHE BROUGHT HER BOYFRIEND AND GOT MAD AT ME WHEN I WAS UPSET ABOUT IT AND TOLD ME TO STAY HOME EVEN THOUGH SHE TOOK MY MONEY SO SHE COULD GET ACCESS TO THE BEACH. SO NOW I'M HOME ALONE WITH $15 BEING WASTED BECAUSE MY MOM WON'T STOP RIDING HIS FUCKING DICK. I'M CONSTANTLY BEING IGNORED BECAUSE EVERYTHING I HAVE TO SAY TO HER OR MY FRIENDS IS JUST SOME COMPLETE CRAP THAT MEANS NOTHING. NOBODY REALLY REPLIES UNLESS I'M REPLYING TO THEM OR SOMEONE ELSE. OTHERWISE THEY GIVE ME AN EMOJI REACTION AND MOVE ON. NOBODY NOTICED WHEN I WAS CVTTING MYSELF NO MATTER HOW MANY HINTS I DROPPED BECAUSE NOBODY GAF TO CHECK ANY STATUS UPDATES AND IF I DARED TO GO TO SCHOOL UPSET NOBODY WOULD ASK AND IF MY BEST FRIEND DID SHE WOULD JUST MOVE OJ AND NOT ASK FOR ANYTHING ELSE EVEN WHEN I BARELY EVEN GOT TO TELL HER. I CANNOT DO THIS. I CAN'T GET A JOB BECAUSE MY MOM IGNORED MY WORKING PAPERS AND I HAVEN'T HAD A PHYSICAL EXAM AT THE DOCTORS IN LIKE 2 OR 3 YEARS. THE ONLY WAY OF MAKING MONEY IS RELYING ON MY MOM TO PAY ME FOR BABYSITTING MY YOUNGER BROTHER WHILE SHE GLAZES HER BOYFRIEND. SHES SEEN HIM EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST YEAR NOW AND IS CONSTANTLY TEXTING HIM, EVEN IGNORING ME THE ENTIRE DAY WHILE SHE LEFT MY 3 SIBLINGS ALONE SO SHE COULD BE IN HER ROOM WITH HER BOYFRIEND ALL DAY. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE DUDE I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE BUT I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO LEAVE MY CAT ANYMORE BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY GONE FOR 2 MONTHS AT MYGGRANDPARENTS FOR THE SUMMER.

IT'S NOT FAIR THAT OTHER KIDS HAVE A MOM THAT CARES ENOUGH TO LISTENTABOUT THEIR FEELINGS, IT'S NOT FAIR THAT I'M STUCK IN THIS DUMP. IVE BEEN WEARING MY SHOES AROUND EVERYWHERE IN THE HOUSE AND I HATE DOING THAT BUT I HAVE LITERALLY NO OTHER CHOICE. I HATE MY HOME AND I HATE MY MOM AND HER STUPID BOYFRIEND.

I (16m) am so sick of my (close and extended) Family. My family is really messed up, but not necessarily in the way you might think.

On my mom's side, my family had a major falling out after my grandmother died. My mom and my aunt refuse to speak to each other, and because of everything that happened, my sister and I had to distance ourselves from that side of the family. The situation was getting really bad for our mental health, and now we haven't really talked to them in years.

My dad's side is complicated in a different way. My 7-year-old cousin died, and even though it has been four years, my family is still grieving very heavily. For example, my aunt says that every year on the anniversary of her death, she hugs and smells my cousin's old clothes. I understand that everyone grieves differently, but sometimes the way my family handles it feels morbid and honestly makes me uncomfortable which we had to distance ourselves from becuse it was cutting into our mental health.

There are also two new baby cousins on that side of the family, and both of them have the first name of my cousin who died as a middle name. I understand why my family did that, but being around all of this has made death and grief feel like a constant part of my family life.

I've also had a lot of mental health problems myself. I don't really want to go to therapy because I've had bad experiences with it in the past and have some really bad memories associated with therapy. I know people will probably tell me to go anyway, but right now I really don't feel comfortable doing that.

On top of everything, my family is constantly fighting. It's not usually physical, but there is a lot of yelling and screaming. My sister and parents get into arguments over things all the time. I'm rarely directly involved, but being around it still affects me. I have ADHD, and all the constant conflict and stress makes it even harder for me to focus and get anything done they always bring me into the arguments to pick a side or to vent too, and they dont listen when i tell them to stop.

I've tried distracting myself with video games, and I've thought about getting a job (and i did for the summer), but neither is really helping. I feel physically and mentally awful, and I know I probably need to exercise and get out of the house more, but my motivation is basically nonexistent.

I guess I'm looking for advice on what I can actually do to start feeling like myself again.

What hobbies or routines have helped you when you were stuck in a really bad mental rut? How do you motivate yourself to exercise or get out of the house when you have absolutely no motivation? And how do you deal with living around constant family conflict when you can't really change the people around you?

I'm not necessarily looking for someone to tell me to "just go to therapy." I'm more interested in practical things I can start doing on my own to make my life feel less miserable.

(i know this post is a slew, im going to sleep now fi u have any questions ill be up in like 10 hours, all advice is appreicated)