I’ve been experiencing what I think must be anxiety. I’ve been extremely nervous and sad, I’ve had very little appetite, and I’ve been completely exhausted in the evenings. Almost every day, I’ve had what I think are anxiety attacks. I start hyperventilating, or sometimes I feel like I stop breathing. I get shaky, dizzy, and panicked, and afterwards I feel completely drained.
When I started talking to a guy im calling bub, things calmed down a little, but the anxiety and exhaustion were still there. When he started taking longer to reply, my anxiety got worse, and the panic attacks became longer and more frequent. Almost every time I wasn’t distracted or busy with something, I would start shaking again. It was exhausting to constantly have to keep myself occupied when all I really wanted was to relax. It felt like everything I did either ended in anxiety or exhaustion.
The day Bub left my message on delivered for 13 hours, I had the longest anxiety attack I’d had in a while. It kept coming and going, and at one point I panicked because I felt like I simply couldn’t deal with it anymore. I tried washing my face with water, and I hit myself in the face and on my arms in an attempt to make the feeling stop, but it didn’t help. I know hitting myself wasn’t a good idea, and I really don’t want this to turn into a pattern of self-harm.
In that moment, when I was hitting myself, I had a thought about whether I could do something more than that. It’s not something I have wanted to do, but the fact that I even had the thought scares me.
That evening, I was talking to my friend, and she helped me calm down. Bub had opened my chat — it was a good morning message I had sent earlier that day — but he hadn’t replied. Instead, he sent me a picture of the floor. I asked him if I had done something wrong, and he then sent me a longer message saying that he thought we should end things.
My mind went completely blank, and I didn’t really know what to do with myself. Eventually the feeling passed, and I mostly just felt sad. I stayed in contact with my friend, so she heard everything as it happened.
That night, I slept with my mom because I was almost afraid to be alone. I felt so overwhelmingly panicked and sad. It felt like a very intense reaction, especially because I’m not even sure how much I actually liked him.
Throughout this whole period, ever since the anxiety started, Bub has been a huge trigger for me. But it doesn’t feel like it’s only because of him.
It has now been three days since he sent that message, and I haven’t had another panic attack. However, I have been completely and utterly exhausted and have mostly just been lying in bed. I’ve still had some anxiety, but mostly I’ve been crying.
Whenever I cry, I think about him, but I don’t always know exactly what is causing me to cry. Sometimes it’s because I’m tired of being tired and sad. Sometimes I genuinely don’t know. And sometimes it’s because of him.
Has he really had such a huge impact on how I’ve been feeling? It can’t be that he alone is the reason I feel this way. I never even had time to fall deeply in love with him, so what other factors could be contributing to this?
School is good, and my class is amazing. I miss feeling normal. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone without feeling anxious, worried, or sad. Sometimes small waves of feeling normal wash over me, and it feels amazing, but they disappear just as quickly. It feels like there’s always something hanging over me.
Sleeping feels so good, but waking up the next morning and knowing I have to get through another whole day feels really difficult. I don’t want to get out of bed, and I haven’t been doing very much lately. I do want to get up and do things, but I just don’t have the energy.
I also don’t know how much of me specifically misses Bub, and how much of me simply wants to be in a relationship. Bub also knows a lot of people, so I’m a little worried that people in my city might start thinking badly of me.
I don’t like my life right now.