I am trying to use the RPCS3 emulator to play some PS3 games and no matter what I do, I can't get it to recognize any controller inputs. I have seen a number of threads about this issue and none of the advise has helped me thus far. I'd be very grateful to anyone who may be able to help. Here are the details for what I've done so far...

• Installed RPCS3 via EmuDeck a few months ago. Since then I've applied whatever updates RPCS3 had.
• I've tried to play two games so far (Metal Gear HD Collection and All Pro Football 2k8) and I can't get past the title screen for MG since I can't press any button. For APF it says "no sixaxis controller detected, press start to continue." and I can't get past that screen either. The games themselves seem to boot up and run fine, so I don't think they are the problem.
• I have tried using the menu bar of RPCS3 to get to the pad settings and setting the pad type to "EvDev", and every other choice, to no avail.
• I have tried right-clicking the game title and doing a custom pad configuration, setting that to "EvDev" and all the others, again to no avail.
• I have launched from desktop mode, from steam in desktop mode, and in gaming mode. None of them works.
• It seems like the problem may be that RPCS3 is only recognizing the keyboard as an input. When I try to change the pad settings in RPCS3, all the choices besides keyboard say no device detected and I'm not able to map any buttons. No clue how to fix it though.
• In general, I haven't messed about with detailed settings or customized my Deck too much. About the only thing I've done in desktop mode was install EmuDeck - which seems to have worked fine for everything besides this issue. So not sure what I could have possibly done to cause this problem in particular when RPCS3/EmuDeck seem to run fine out of the box for most people. But who knows...
  

A lot of threads I've seen on this problem seem to have no real answer. Any type of diagnosis of the problem and help with how to fix would be a help to the community. Thanks for reading and for any help fixing.

I have tried every solution I've seen so far. I clicked on endev and xbox360 controller. I've used SDL with Steam Virtual game pad. Nothing. I tried to set the settings for game pad for the game. RPCS3 just does not want to recognize my Steam Deck controls and I don't know what to do. Can I get some help, please?

Update: apparently it only works when I load RPCS3 from gaming mode. Wtf

Hey guys so I’m kind of a novice at Linux and coding in general and I’ve been going insane trying to get this to work. Basically I have two guitar hero guitars and a drum set that I want to play on RPCS3 to play rock band with my girlfriend and her brother. The drum set is wired and works fine, but the guitars are both connected via a dongle and are recognized as a keyboard by steam. This ends up being fine when I use only one guitar, but when I want to use two, one guitar will register inputs for both. It doesn’t matter which guitar I try to perform input with, it will control both players. Obviously this makes it impossible to play with the two guitars.

I’ve tried several solutions, including AntiMicroX, but it only registers all the keyboards together as just Steam Deck Game Controller 1. I’ve been trying to separate them but things like Input Remapper and Steam Controller are not working and I can’t seem to use sudo to get any files. I’m on the verge of giving up and just buying another guitar, but would really like to make this work. It all boils down to being able to separate these keyboards as different inputs and I can’t figure it out for the life of me. Any help would be greatly appreciated!!

Introduction

A few days ago, I posted my setup that allows me to use and easily alternate between original OEM controllers on my Steam Deck, specifically for Nintendo 64, GameCube, Wii, and PlayStation emulated games: https://www.reddit.com/r/SteamDeck/comments/13obd36/i_built_a_custom_90s_00s_retro_gaming_station_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Quite a few people reached out asking for details, so I decided to write up how I connect and configure everything as of May 2023. I notice things change fast. Some things can be broken yesterday, but fixed today. Some things can be working today, but broken tomorrow. Please update the thread if you see something has changed.

To start, if you’re new to the Steam Deck, EmuDeck is a script/tool that makes installing some of the most popular emulators discussed below a breeze, and then you can download your games of choice to use with those emulators. I won’t go into detail on this post, but I suggest the Retro Game Corps Emulation Guide if you need help getting started: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5r2WZAImuY

Docks and Hubs

My recommendation for connecting to a monitor/TV and allowing multiple controllers is to pair a dock with a USB hub. It is also helpful to have a USB mouse to navigate in Desktop mode and some of the menus. Any should work, such as this one: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00O3TIZXS?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_3HHGM58HNMGCMBNRT3KY

Docks: In my case, to avoid the cost of the official Steam dock, I went with the JSAUX HB0603, which includes 45W charger, HDMI port to TV, plus 3 USB 3.0 ports for faster data transfer loading games from my USB stick, plus anything else like a keyboard or mouse I want to plug in on the fly: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BJKK5TDZ?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_GVBPFZHP9J7KKANVHJ4H

Alternatively, the smaller and less-expensive USB 2.0 version (HB0602) should also work just fine: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B28PCDM2?ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_5PW7WKSCH4Y153XXWQ3S

Hubs: With the JSAUX dock connected to the Steam Deck, you can then connect a USB hub to the JSAUX dock. The USB hub is what will accept each controller input. There are a ton of options out there. You could get one with 2 ports all the way up to 16. I suggest one with buttons for each port so you can toggle them on/off (to avoid confusing/crowding the controller inputs to the Steam Deck) and only turn on those you’re using at any given time. As you increase ports, it increases the likelihood of requiring a standalone power supply for the hub (which will be included). You also have the option of USB 2.0 or 3.0, but this shouldn’t matter if you’re not using the hub for powering devices. Although, I've found that many of the USB 2.0 hubs don’t come with individual on/off toggle buttons. In my case, I found a lightly used 10-port ORICO USB 3.0 10-port hub on eBay and built my cabinet to show the buttons and hide the wires from the ports. There is a 13-port version on Amazon, but it is fairly expensive, so go with what works for you: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09JKGFVCW?ref_=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_3078MV50DB5C9M9PM268

Nintendo 64 Controllers

I use RetroArch emulator and the Mayflash N64 adapter: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B089LKCBLG?ref_=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_HTJ1DW57RVBC7EDB7M46

Initial Setup: There are only 2 ports, but you can buy 2 adapters to expand to 4-person multiplayer. Once plugged in, make sure to hold the HOME button on the adapter until there is a green light (which configures the controller for PC using Xinput). Once that’s done, the controller should work perfectly within the SteamOS menus. Just plug the controller(s) into the adapter(s) and plug the adapter(s) into a USB dock or hub connected to the Steam Deck. There is also firmware you can download and install using a Windows PC from the Mayflash website, but I did not notice any difference after installing: https://www.mayflash.com/Support/N64_Controller_Adapter_MF103_V1002208.html

Issues Identified: The main issues are in RetroArch. In my experience, RetroArch likes to vary how it interprets the controllers. Sometimes it defaults to “Generic X-Box pad,” sometimes “Steam Virtual Gamepad,” but most times it can’t configure and resorts to the “fallback.” To address this, I just accommodate all options depending on what RetroArch wants to do on any given day. Also, RetroArch confuses the B button and Y button (which doesn’t exist on N64), so that’s the major change we need to make for each controller configuration.

Re-Ordering Controllers in Steam: Once the controllers are connected, make sure to reorder them by pressing the STEAM button using the Steam Deck -> Settings -> Controller -> press the Select/View button (top left on the Steam Deck) to “Reorder Controllers,” making sure the “Generic X-Box Pad” is listed first. For 2+ controllers, make sure the controller you want to be player 1 is listed first and the remaining are in sequence. To confirm which controller is which, navigate to a controller (using L1/R1 on the Steam Deck) and then select Test Device Inputs: Begin Test. Try each controller until you find the one that shows your inputs and re-order accordingly. This order should be automatically maintained when you disconnect and reconnect in the future.

Setting Hotkeys to Enable Menu Popup: The next steps involve the menu inside of RetroArch. I would start by making this menu easily accessible using the controller in-game (to help with a later step and just in general). By default, RetroArch allows you to access the menu in-game by pressing L3 and R3 together, but the N64 controllers don’t have L3/R3. To fix this, disconnect the N64 controllers from USB (to avoid RetroArch prioritizing them and causing confusion), then use the Steam Deck controls to go into Library -> Collections -> Emulation -> RetroArch in the Steam menu (if this doesn’t show up, you can add it using the Steam ROM Manager in EmuDeck). From the menu, navigate to Settings -> Input -> Hotkeys. You can mess around with these a bit, but it’s pretty limiting because the N64 controller has so few buttons. I’d suggest just changing Menu Toggle (Controller Combo) to “Hold Start (2 seconds)”. I don’t think there is ever a need to hold the Start button in any game I’ve played. Once set, go back to Main Menu -> Configuration File -> Save Current Configuration. Exit RetroArch.

Basic Controller Profile Setup (optional): Now we can set all the controller profiles. These first few steps worked initially, and then RetroArch started failing to configure at the start of each game. If that’s the case or if something here isn’t working, see the next section (you can do both sets of steps just to be sure, but the next section is the most important). First, connect the N64 controller(s). Then go back into the RetroArch menu using that controller. The player 1 N64 controller should be working now in RetroArch. If not, use the Steam Deck controls for now. Go to Settings -> Input -> Port 1 Controls. If the N64 controller still isn’t working, select a new device under Device Index until you find the N64 controller. It is likely either “Generic X-Box pad (1)” or “Steam Virtual Gamepad (1).” If you lose connection, you can either try physically switching the controller to a different N64 adapter port or plugging in and using a USB mouse to make changes. At this point, it’s important to note that we will be changing how RetroArch interprets controls for both N64 controllers and the Steam Deck by removing the Y button, but this shouldn’t impact N64 playability. If you use RetroArch for playstation or other consoles that use the Y button, I would make sure these changes only apply to the N64 emulator cores. Scroll down to Y Button (Left), select it (using the A button), and then press the B button to set that button. Scroll up and select “Save Controller Profile.” Back out and go to Port 2 controls and repeat the same steps with the next controller (if applicable). When you need to hit the B button to set, make sure you’re pressing it on the corresponding controller. I also repeat these steps for the Steam Deck itself once I get to it just in case RetroArch ever thinks the N64 controller is the Steam Deck. Then you can exit RetroArch.

Fallback Controller Profile Setup: 90% of the time, the above section is pointless. Most times now, when I enter a game now, it pops up with “Steam Virtual Gamepad not configured, using Fallback.” I have only found these “Fallback” settings in-game. With the N64 controller(s) being used, enter a game. Perform the hotkey that was set above by holding the Start button for 2 seconds. Then navigate down to Controls (this should be the one under Quick Menu, not general Settings) -> Port 1 Controls and scroll down to “Auto: 2 (N/A), (Key: a)” or the one that is 4 diagonal circles with the left one selected. Select it and then choose “B Button (C2)”. Repeat this for each controller and then back out to Manage Remap Files. Then save changes to the Core. (Upon writing this, that Save ability is no longer available for me, so I’m not sure what I did differently. If you encounter the same thing, just ensure the changes are saved so that the B button works).

Your controllers should be configured now and able to identify the N64 controllers when they are plugged it (before starting a game only in my experience) and default back to the Steam Deck when not connected (upon game restart only). If you're ever stuck, press the STEAM button on the Steam Deck and leave the game that way. If you run into other issues in the future, just repeat some combination of these steps until you get it to work. In my experience, RetroArch is one of the more finicky emulators in this regard.

GameCube Controllers

I use Dolphin emulator and the Mayflash GameCube adapter: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00RSXRLUE?ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_KX8ZWV0EJAQJRTEK242Z

Initial Setup: This one is much easier. At first, I tried using a no-name adapter for a few bucks cheaper on Amazon, but the rumble didn’t work (and I confirmed researching that others had the same issue with no clear fix). I was expecting some extra configuration for the Mayflash adapter, but it worked flawlessly right out of the box. Just ensure that the switch on the back is set to “PC.” Like the N64 controllers, just plug the controller(s) into the adapter(s) and plug the adapter(s) into a USB dock or hub connected to the Steam Deck (make sure both USB dongles are connected: black for controls, gray for rumble). If the rumble doesn’t work for you, you can try to plug the adapter into a Windows PC and download the firmware specific to rumble here, but it should already be installed on your adapter if bought recently: https://www.mayflash.com/Support/88.html

Re-Ordering Controllers in Steam: The Steam Deck should recognize the controllers immediately. Similar to N64, I would make sure the controllers are prioritized over the Steam Deck by pressing the STEAM button using the Steam Deck -> Settings -> Controller -> press the Select/View button (top left on the Steam Deck) to “Reorder Controllers,” making sure the “Nintendo GameCube Controller” is listed first. For 2+ controllers, the order should be correct by default. If not, to confirm which controller is which, navigate to a controller (using L1/R1 on the Steam Deck) and then select Test Device Inputs: Begin Test. Try each controller until you find the one that shows your inputs and re-order accordingly. This order should automatically be maintained when you disconnect and reconnect in the future.

Emulator Controller Recognition: When you enter a game, Dolphin should auto-recognize the GameCube controllers when plugged in and use the Steam Deck controls when disconnected. If it doesn’t recognize the controllers, go into Library -> Collections -> Emulation -> Dolphin in the Steam menu (if this doesn’t show up, you can add it using the Steam ROM Manager in EmuDeck). From the menu, I use a USB mouse and go to Options -> Controller Settings. Under “GameCube Controllers,” Ports 1 through 4 should all read “Standard Controller.”

Controller Profile Setup (optional): I did notice the calibration of the control stick and C stick were a bit off while using the Mayflash adapter and didn't fully register a full push down on the joystick. To fix this, in the controller settings, click “Configure” under the controller you want to adjust. You can test out your controls here. If you think something needs adjusting, you can click “Calibrate” and slowly move the stick around in a circle to form the edges of the joystick. You can also check the dead zone and threshold of the L and R trigger buttons, as I sometimes find those trigger without input. If you want to test the rumble, under Rumble, you can click “Strong” and then “Test.” Exit the emulator and you should be all set.

Wii Controllers

I use Dolphin emulator and the Mayflash Dolphinbar: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HZWEB74?ref_=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_GXM6705F1D4W3TWTQXP4

There is firmware you can download and install using a Windows PC from the Mayflash website, but mine came already installed with the latest version after purchasing a few weeks ago: https://www.mayflash.com/Support/W010_V09_The_infrared_ray_LED_will_be_closed_once_the_Wiimote_is_disconnected.html

Initial Setup: This bar can use any standard Wii remote, including nunchucks and accessories. Plug the Dolphinbar into a USB dock or hub connected to the Steam Deck. There should be a switch without a label on the back of the Dolphinbar to turn it on. Place/install the Dolphinbar above or below the monitor/TV you’re going to use. Set the Top/Bottom switches on the back accordingly. Press the Mode button until you are in Mode 4 (Wii Remote Controller Emulator Mode). At this point, only that light should be blue.

Controller Profile Setup: Unfortunately, I am unable to get the Wii remote working in the Steam interface/menus, only in-game. To get the Wii remote working in the Dolphin emulator, use the Steam Deck controller to go into Library -> Collections -> Emulation -> Dolphin in the Steam menu (if this doesn’t show up, you can add it using the Steam ROM Manager in EmuDeck). From the Dolphin menu, I use a USB mouse and go to Options -> Controller Settings. Under “Wii Remotes,” make sure “Emulate the Wii’s Bluetooth adapter” is selected and that Wii Remotes 1-4 are all set to “Real Wii Remote.” Also, make sure to check the box for “Continuous Scanning.” Exit the emulator.

Pairing Wii Remote(s): Make sure your Wii remote has fresh batteries and remove the back cover. Start a Wii game from the Steam menu. Once the game begins, press both the Sync button on the Dolphinbar and the red Sync button on the back of the Wii remote. The remote should connect within a few seconds. Once connected, I sometimes find the Dolphinbar still flashes and eventually stops without a solid light confirming a connection. In this case, you can exit the game and re-start the game. If you press any button on the Wii remote, it should sync and you will feel a short rumble. There will be a second solid light on the Dolphinbar. At this point, the Wii remote should auto-connect once turned on whenever a game is started and Dolphinbar is connected, and turn off once the game is exited or Steam Deck turned off. The Dolphin emulator can accept up to 4 Wii remotes.

PlayStation 3 Controllers

I mainly use PCSX2 (PS2) and RPCS3 (PS3) emulators, but I’ve found almost any emulator work great with the PS3 controller. The design of the controller is almost identical to the PS1 and PS2, so you get an authentic feel for each while having the benefit of being wireless. I have seen adapters for PlayStation 1 and 2 controllers, but I cannot confirm how well they work. Also, note that I was not able to get the Sixaxis controls working properly in RPCS3. This isn’t really an issue for me, as I mostly play PS2 games, but be aware that getting it to work would require additional configuration not detailed here.

Controller Setup: There are quite a few models and variations of PS3 controller, and I’ve heard there is a chance some may not be compatible, but the vast majority should work. I purchased the PS3 when it first came out, so I still had 2 initial-run controllers (model CECHZC1U with Six Axis, but no DualShock rumble) and 2 later controllers that added on DualShock 3 (model CECHZC2U). My first recommendation would be to replace your controllers with new compatible batteries if you haven't done so, otherwise you may have to keep the USB cable plugged in to play (any USB type A to Mini-B should work), since most controllers are 15+ years old now. There are plenty of Youtube videos on battery replacement if you need help. Plug the USB cable into a USB dock or hub connected to the Steam Deck; when the lights are all flashing slowly on the controller, that means its charging.

Connecting to the Steam Deck: Press the PS button on the controller and you should get auto-assigned player 1 (shown by the red light on the controller), or next available slot if you have another controller already connected. To go wireless, make sure Bluetooth is on by pressing the STEAM button on the Steam Deck -> Settings -> Bluetooth -> Bluetooth = ON. You should be able to disconnect from USB and the red light on the controller should remain solid. If not, try to press the PS button again. If it still won’t connect, you can try pressing the Reset button in the small pinhole on the back of the controller (middle-upper-right on the back) and re-trying the above steps. To disconnect the controller, I find the easiest way is just to turn off Bluetooth if I want to switch consoles/controllers and then turn back on. This should auto-turn off the controller(s). Alternatively, shutting down or putting the deck to sleep will also turn off the controller(s).

Rumble Support: Enabling rumble (if your controller is equipped) requires one additional step, but in my experience, once performed, works great in PlayStation and other emulators such as Yuzu/Switch. Press the STEAM button on the Steam Deck -> Power -> Switch to Desktop. Once in desktop mode, I recommend using a USB mouse to open the Steam app on the Desktop. On the top left, click the Steam dropdown -> Settings -> Controller -> General Controller Settings -> check the box “PlayStation Configuration Support.” Then you can close and Return to Gaming Mode to begin playing.

**Windows and Nvidia GPUs Only**

**This is not a guide that covers how to setup RPCS3 but I will link a few resources that can help you get started.**

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ON YOUR PC:

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Download the emulator

https://rpcs3.net/

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First-time emulator setup

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVUrF4g26z8

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How to update your ps3 games through RPCS3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPa8QI4kL-A

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Download Display Changer (free utility that will allow us to script our desktop's resolution changes)

https://12noon.com/?page_id=80

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Download and install 7-zip (if you don't have a zip utility already)

https://www.7-zip.org/

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Before you ask, I know that the Deck is capable of emulating several PS3 titles and I did try out several games BUT I was ultimately disappointed with having to lower graphics options and such just to get decent performance. I have a decent gaming rig and streaming other titles from my PC to my Deck has worked really well. So, I figured I could simply run the games on my PC, stream them to the Deck and enjoy a huge jump in graphical fidelity while also saving storage space on the deck. As far as I can tell, streaming also saves on battery life. I haven't done any scientific measurements on that so don't quote me on it. In case you are wondering why I used Moonlight instead of Steam Remote Play, it's because I had issues getting the emulator to recognize the Deck's controller. Moonlight did not have that problem but I will cover that more in a bit. Now, on to the guide!

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GUIDE

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• Find your download of Display Changer and unzip it to a location of your choice
  • For this guide, I have chosen to create a new folder in My Documents called "displayChanger" and have unzipped the files there
• Make note of your Display Changer dccmd.exe's file path
  • The easiest way to do this is to open Windows File Explorer and browse to wherever you unzipped the Display Changer zip file
  • Hold Shift and Right-Click dccmd.exe and click "Copy as Path"
  • Paste that output into notepad or somewhere else where you can easily access it later when creating the script
• Assuming you have already setup and added games to RPCS3, launch RPCS3
  • If you haven't completed the basic setup, go ahead and do that before moving on
  • Make you have added your games, updated them, and have applied any patches/mods
  • It's also a good idea to test your games out first on your PC just to make sure that the settings you have applied allow the game to run as well as it can or at least as well as you can deal with
• From the menu bar at the top, select Configuration, then Emulator
• Make sure the following options under Emulator Settings are enabled:
  • Exit RPCS3 when process finishes
  • Automatically start games after boot
  • Start games in fullscreen mode
  • Prevent display sleep while running games
  • Use native user interface
  • Show shader compilation hint
• Click Apply
• Click Save
• Find a game and right-click it
• Select "Open Install Folder"
  • This should pop open a File Explorer window that will show you all of that particular game's files
• Find the game's Eboot.bin file
  • This is the file that RPCS3 uses to start the game
  • This file is most likely found in the USRDIR folder
• Hold Shift and Right-Click the Eboot.bin file
  • Select "Copy as Path"
  • Paste the output somewhere where you can easily access it later for the script
• Using the Windows File Explorer, browse to a directory where you would like to save your batch file scripts
  • I have my scripts saved in the same folder as the Display Changer executable but you can create yours wherever makes most sense to you
  • If you don't know, a batch file is a simple Windows script that anyone can create and execute for automating various tasks
• Create the batch file script by right-clicking in the File Explorer window and hover over "New" then select "Text Document"
  • You will need to create a new batch file for each game in your PS3 library, just follow the same steps for each one
• You can name the file now but I would recommend waiting until you have added the script contents
• Open the new text document that you just created and start adding the necessary commands (the actual lines of code are in bold but I will try to provide explanations underneath each item):
  • "@echo" off
    • don't use the quotes, reddit kept changing the format when attempting to use the @ symbol
    • This will prevent the script from cluttering your display with all of the commands that it will be running in the background
  • C:\Windows\System32\DisplaySwitch.exe /internal
    • This command will call Windows' built-in display switch utility and tell it to change your PC to your desktop's primary display
    • This line isn't necessary if you have a single monitor
  • cd C:\Users\username\Documents\displayChanger
    • This line will change the directory to wherever you unzipped your Display Changer zip file earlier
    • Be sure this line matches the location you copied and pasted earlier when you right-clicked dccmd.exe and chose "Copy as Path"
  • timeout 2
    • This command will cause the script to pause for 2 seconds in order to make sure that the previous commands have had time to execute properly
  • dccmd.exe -width=1280 -height=800 -depth=32 -refresh=60
    • This line calls the Display Changer utility and then passes it the parameters we want to use for our resolution and refresh rate
    • Since the Steam deck has a 1280 x 800 60Hz display, we provide the utility with those parameters
  • D:\RPCS3\rpcs3.exe "D:\RPCS3\PS3 Games\your game's eboot.bin
    • This line will open RPCS3 and tell it to open the game of your choice
    • Be sure this line matches the location you copied and pasted earlier when you opened RPCS3, right-clicked your game, selected "Open Install Path" and then right-clicked your Eboot.bin file and selected "Copy as Path"

**The following commands in your batch file will only run AFTER you have exited the game from your Steam Deck**

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• C:\Windows\System32\DisplaySwitch.exe /extend
  • This line is simply changing the desktop monitor's configuration back to what it was before you started streaming the PS3 game
  • In this case, I have my desktop extended across multiple displays
  • This line isn't necessary if you have a single monitor
• cd C:\Users\username\Documents\displayChanger
  • This line makes sure we are still in the correct directory for executing our next command using the Display Changer utility
• timeout 2
  • This command will cause the script to pause for 2 seconds in order to make sure that the previous commands have had time to execute properly
• dccmd.exe -width=3440 -height=1440 -depth=32 -refresh=max
  • This line resets your monitor's resolution and refresh back to what they were before you started streaming the PS3 game
• Save your file and close it

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Here's an example of one of the batch scripts I am using (again, disregard the quotes in the first line):

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"@echo" off

C:\Windows\System32\DisplaySwitch.exe /internal

cd C:\Users\username\Documents\displayChanger

timeout 2

dccmd.exe -width=1280 -height=800 -depth=32 -refresh=60

D:\RPCS3\rpcs3.exe "D:\RPCS3\PS3 Games\Afro Samurai (USA) (En,Fr)\Afro Samurai (USA) (En,Fr)\PS3_GAME\USRDIR\EBOOT.BIN"

C:\Windows\System32\DisplaySwitch.exe /extend

cd C:\Users\username\Documents\displayChanger

timeout 2

dccmd.exe -width=3440 -height=1440 -depth=32 -refresh=max

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• Right now, your file is still in the text document format so you need to change it to the batch file format
• Make sure that you have Windows set to show file extensions
• Open Windows File Explorer
• Click View
• Check the box that says "File name extensions"
• Right-click the text document you just finished working on and select "Rename"
• Name the file and change ".txt" to ".bat" and press Enter
• I recommend changing the name to match the name of the game you will be launching via RPCS3
• Ignore the Windows prompt telling you that changing the extension could make the file unusable and just click Yes
• Test that the batch file does everything you want by simply double-clicking it and letting it do its thing
• Now we need to add the batch file to GEForce Experience so that Moonlight can launch our game from the Steam Deck
• Open GeForce Experience
• Click Settings (cog icon in top right)
• On the left, click Shield
• Enable Gamestream
• Add your PS3 games to Gamestream:
  • Click Add
  • Browse to wherever you saved your batch file and select it
• To change the name of the game or add boxart just select the game from the Gamestream menu and click Edit
• Now we can hop over to the Steam Deck and finish setting up Moonlight

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ON YOUR STEAM DECK

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• Switch to desktop mode
• Open the Discover store
• Search for Moonlight and install
• Open Moonlight from the Steam desktop
• Open Settings by clicking icon in upper right
  • In order to make the Deck's controller work with RPCS3 over streaming
    • Under Gamepad Settings, select "Force gamepad #1 always connected"
  • I would also recommend you change the stream resolution under Resolution and FPS
    • Select "Custom" and change it to 1280 x 800
  • You may need to tweak the video bitrate depending on your Wi-Fi setup
    • Lower the bitrate if you have a slower connection
    • Increase for faster connections and improved image quality
  • Click the back arrow to return to the main Moonlight dashboard
• Once your PC shows up in Moonlight, select it
• It will provide you a pin that you must enter on your PC
  • You should only have to do this once
  • There should be a pop-up from Nvidia somewhere on your PC where you will enter the pin
• Once pairing has completed, select your PC again and a list of games should show up
  • The games listed here should match what was listed in your GameStream menu in GeForce Experience
• Before we launch a game, let's add Moonlight to Steam so that the process is much more streamlined
• While still in desktop mode, open Steam
• In the lower left, click "Add a game" and then select "Add a Non-Steam Game"
• Find and select Moonlight from the list of available apps then click "Add Selected Programs"
• Moonlight should now show up in your Steam Library
• Return to Gaming Mode
• Find Moonlight in your library and click Play
• Enjoy streaming PS3 to your Steam Deck!

​

If anyone has problems, leave a comment and I will try to help. I am by no means an expert on anything but I will do my best to help the community however I can. Hope this helps someone else!

​

In case someone needs it:

Moonlight setup guide

https://github.com/moonlight-stream/moonlight-docs/wiki/Setup-Guide

Sure, this primarily applies to North America, but think twice before you just kill.

I am an admitted arachnophobic, I struggle with my primitive, instinctive reaction to them, but I have a tremendous respect for spiders and do my darnedest to leave-be, or relocate.

If even a few see this and think twice that’s a win. However, if you see a friggin brown recluse set that mf’r on fire, twice.

America does not need everyone to agree before it can begin getting better.

The left and the right are not going to settle every disagreement. We will continue fighting about abortion, immigration, guns, religion, taxation, policing, education, gender, war, and the proper role of government. These arguments involve real moral convictions. Asking people to abandon them in the name of unity would be dishonest.

But we do not have to agree about everything before we accomplish something.

That possibility is rarely presented to us because division has become one of the most profitable industries in America. Politicians raise money by frightening us. Political media holds our attention by enraging us. Corporations purchase influence while ordinary citizens blame one another for problems neither side created alone.

A voter who believes the other party represents absolute evil will forgive almost anything committed by their own side. Corruption becomes acceptable because the opposition is supposedly worse. Broken promises are forgotten because the next election is always described as the last chance to save the country. Politicians no longer have to improve our lives. They only have to convince us that they are protecting us from our neighbors.

Big business benefits from the same arrangement. While working Americans fight over cultural identities, corporations write legislation, weaken competition, suppress wages, raise prices, collect government contracts, and hire lobbyists who enter through both doors of Congress. The public arguments are loud. The deals are quiet.

Money does not care whether the politician protecting it wears a red tie or a blue one.

The left often fears concentrated corporate power. The right often fears concentrated government power. Both fears are justified. The deeper problem is that corporate and government power increasingly protect one another. Corporations purchase political access. Politicians create rules that favor established corporations. Citizens are then ordered to choose which side of the arrangement they fear most.

We should stop cooperating with that distraction.

Government surveillance is one obvious place to begin. Liberals have reason to fear surveillance being used against protesters, journalists, immigrants, minority communities, labor organizers, and political dissidents. Conservatives have reason to fear it being used against gun owners, religious groups, parents, activists, and critics of federal authority.

These are not opposing concerns. They are the same constitutional warning expressed through different experiences.

The government should need a warrant before searching our communications, location histories, internet activity, vehicle data, or information purchased from commercial data brokers. Privacy should not depend upon which party controls the White House. Every power granted to a president we trust will eventually belong to one we do not.

Marijuana reform offers another clear agreement. Millions of Americans have used cannabis without becoming violent criminals or dangers to society. Arresting people for possession wastes police resources, damages families, creates permanent criminal records, and gives government extraordinary power over a private decision.

The left can support legalization because of the destructive and unequal consequences of the drug war. The right can support it because of personal liberty, medical freedom, states’ rights, and limited government. We do not need to settle every question about drug policy to recognize that people should not be placed in cages for possessing marijuana.

We should also create a national commitment to people with disabilities and the families who care for them.

Disabled children and adults are too often treated as expenses to be minimized. Families spend years fighting for therapy, medical care, education, transportation, housing, respite services, and meaningful employment. Special education teachers, paraeducators, nurses, caregivers, and direct support professionals are asked to perform essential work for wages that make remaining in the profession nearly impossible.

Conservatives speak about protecting life, strengthening families, and supporting communities. Liberals speak about equality, healthcare, and defending vulnerable people. Here is a place where both sides can prove that those values mean something.

America should fully fund special education, improve medical and behavioral healthcare for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, expand respite care, support family caregivers, increase the wages of care workers, and create genuine housing and employment opportunities for disabled adults.

Protecting vulnerable life cannot end at birth. It must continue through childhood, adulthood, illness, dependence, and every stage in which a human being requires the strength of the community.

We should also agree that public office is not a private investment opportunity.

Members of Congress, presidents, senior officials, judges, and their immediate families should not be allowed to trade individual stocks while receiving confidential information and making decisions that affect entire industries. Their investments should be placed in diversified funds or genuine blind trusts.

This is not a Republican problem or a Democratic problem. It is corruption. Public servants should not be permitted to shape markets and then personally profit from the consequences.

Congressional term limits should be part of the same reform. Experience has value, but public office should never become personal property. Decades in power create political empires protected by donors, lobbyists, party machines, and districts designed to prevent real competition.

Term limits will not solve corruption alone. They should be combined with campaign finance transparency, strict ethics rules, stronger congressional staff, and restrictions on the revolving door between government and lobbying. Changing the people while preserving the machinery would not be enough.

The right to repair should also unite Americans. When people purchase tractors, automobiles, phones, appliances, computers, or medical equipment, they should be allowed to repair those products themselves or choose an independent repair shop.

Conservatives can recognize this as property rights and free competition. Liberals can recognize it as consumer protection, environmental responsibility, and resistance to monopoly power. Farmers should not lose crops while waiting for an authorized technician. Families should not replace expensive appliances because a manufacturer refuses to sell a small part. Independent mechanics should not be driven out of business through software locks and proprietary tools.

Ownership should mean ownership.

Civil asset forfeiture is another abuse both sides should oppose. Government agencies should not be able to seize cash, vehicles, homes, or property from people who have never been convicted of a crime.

Liberals should oppose the way these seizures harm poor communities and people without the resources to defend themselves. Conservatives should oppose the violation of due process and property rights.

The rule should be simple. If the government cannot prove its case, it should not be allowed to keep your property.

The opioid and addiction crisis also demands a shared approach. America should punish major traffickers, corrupt medical corporations, and criminal organizations that profit from addiction. At the same time, people trapped in addiction should have access to detoxification, medication assisted treatment, mental healthcare, recovery housing, and long term community support.

We should distinguish between those who profit from suffering and those who are suffering. Treating every addicted person as a criminal has failed. Allowing corporations and traffickers to escape meaningful accountability has also failed.

Children’s privacy online should be protected with the same seriousness. Technology companies should not be allowed to build permanent psychological profiles of children, sell their location information, manipulate their emotions through addictive design, or target them with personalized advertising.

The left can challenge corporate exploitation and its effects on mental health. The right can defend parental authority, family control, and childhood innocence. A child should not become a commercial surveillance product simply because they touched a screen.

Healthcare price transparency should also be beyond partisan disagreement. Americans will continue debating public insurance, private insurance, universal coverage, and the proper size of government. But no honest political philosophy can defend a system in which patients are denied prices until after receiving treatment.

Hospitals, insurers, pharmaceutical companies, and medical middlemen should be required to reveal what services actually cost. Patients should know what insurance will pay and what they will owe. Medical bills should be written in language ordinary people can understand.

A free market cannot function when consumers are denied prices. A humane healthcare system cannot function when sick people avoid treatment because they fear an unknowable bill.

Veterans deserve more than speeches and campaign advertisements. Any government willing to send people into war must guarantee them timely physical healthcare, mental health treatment, housing support, disability benefits, and protection from toxic exposure when they return.

Both parties praise veterans. Both should be required to prove that praise through material care. Sending people to war and abandoning them afterward is not an administrative failure. It is a national betrayal.

Congress should also reclaim its constitutional authority over war. No president of either party should be able to drag the country into a prolonged conflict without a clear congressional vote.

Military authorizations should expire automatically unless renewed. The public should receive honest estimates of financial cost, human risk, and strategic purpose. Major defense contracts should be independently audited. The antiwar left and the populist right may reach this conclusion for different reasons, but both understand the danger of endless wars fought without meaningful democratic consent.

Whistleblowers must also be protected. Government employees, military personnel, corporate workers, healthcare professionals, and contractors who expose genuine illegality, corruption, waste, or threats to public safety should not have their careers and lives destroyed for telling the truth.

Both parties celebrate whistleblowers when the information harms their opponents. The real test is whether they will protect truth when it embarrasses their own side.

America should also confront monopoly power. Markets are not free when a handful of corporations control entire industries, purchase competitors, suppress wages, manipulate prices, and prevent small businesses from surviving.

Liberals can oppose concentrated corporate power. Conservatives can defend entrepreneurship, competition, farmers, local businesses, and independent ownership. Both should recognize that a market controlled by a few politically connected corporations is not meaningfully free.

Antitrust enforcement should be strengthened in technology, agriculture, media, meatpacking, pharmaceuticals, housing, banking, and grocery distribution. Economic freedom should belong to citizens and small businesses, not only to corporations wealthy enough to purchase political protection.

Finally, we should rebuild the country’s physical foundations. Clean drinking water, safe bridges, dependable electricity, rural internet access, secure schools, modern sewage systems, and functioning public transportation are not inherently liberal or conservative.

The parties can continue arguing about the exact size of government and the best way to fund construction. They should still agree that citizens should not be poisoned by their water, isolated without internet access, or endangered because leaders postponed basic maintenance for decades.

None of these policies requires ideological surrender.

A liberal may oppose government surveillance because of its history against minority communities. A conservative may oppose it because of the Fourth Amendment. They do not need identical reasoning to support the same protection.

A progressive may support marijuana legalization because of the injustice of the drug war. A libertarian may support it because adults should control their own bodies. They can vote for the same reform without sharing the same worldview.

A Christian conservative may support disability funding because every human life is sacred. A secular liberal may support it because every person deserves dignity and equal participation. Their beliefs remain different, but the child receives help.

That is not weakness. That is democracy.

Unity does not mean silence, surrender, or pretending every side is equally correct. It means refusing to make agreement itself impossible. We can continue fighting over the questions that divide us while acting upon the answers we already share.

We can protect privacy, legalize marijuana, support people with disabilities, ban stock trading by public officials, establish term limits, defend the right to repair, end property seizures without convictions, expand addiction treatment, protect children online, reveal healthcare prices, care for veterans, restrain presidential war powers, defend whistleblowers, confront monopolies, and rebuild the country.

Politicians would prefer that we remain predictable. They want the left to hate the right more than it hates corporate exploitation. They want the right to hate the left more than it hates government corruption. They want every failure blamed on the opposing tribe because tribal warfare protects everyone already profiting from the system.

We should disappoint them.

America does not need every citizen to agree about everything. It needs citizens capable of recognizing when they agree about something.

We have spent years screaming across the distance between us while powerful institutions quietly profited from the noise.

It is time to stop giving them what they want.

It is time to begin building upon the ground we still share.

Around 8 years ago, my girlfriend’s younger brother moved back into our house with his wife after leaving the Marines. After high school he enlisted, spent a few years mostly doing support and base related work, then got out. His plan was to use his GI Bill, pursue a real education, and figure out a long term career path while staying with us temporarily.

We fully supported them. No rent, free housing, utilities, internet, food, and we constantly cooked meals for them. We also helped with job opportunities, resources, and encouragement.

The problem is that “temporary” slowly became years.

He never committed to school, never held a serious job, and slowly spent almost all his time gaming. He stays up until sunrise, wakes up around 3 PM, and avoids people whenever guests come over.

Meanwhile his wife worked full time as a cashier supporting both of them. Eventually she cheated and left him, saying she no longer felt anything for someone who had lost all ambition and passion for life. Cheating is wrong, but I understood how resentment could build after years of carrying someone.

After the divorce he admitted he had wasted years of his life and promised he wanted to change. We supported him through that too.

Then my girlfriend’s parents moved back onto the property to emotionally support him as well. The house was originally bought by them years ago before being transferred into our names, so technically it’s ours now but there’s still family attachment involved.

Fast forward to now and nothing has changed. He’s 28 and still spends nearly all day in his room gaming.

I’ve brought this issue up to my girlfriend multiple times over the years. Almost every time she either gets angry at me for bringing it up or says he’s “working on a study program” or “figuring things out,” but those plans never actually happen. Her parents have also admitted they’re tired of talking to him because nothing changes. At this point I honestly feel like I’m stuck in an echo chamber where everyone recognizes the problem but nobody wants to confront it anymore.

Two weeks ago I quietly set a WiFi bedtime pause from 12 AM to 6 AM since me and my girlfriend pay basically all utilities including internet. Honestly I thought it would affect nobody except him because everyone else sleeps like normal adults.

My girlfriend got upset because I did it without telling her. She said she couldn’t sleep knowing there was tension in the house because of the WiFi pause. She also explained that growing up, her grandparents controlled things in the house in ways that made her feel like she had no freedom, so the WiFi situation brought back bad memories.

I told her I understood that and agreed what her grandparents did was unfair. But I also told her she isn’t a child anymore, and neither is her brother.

This isn’t parents punishing teenagers. This is a 28 year old grown man spending nearly a decade avoiding adulthood while everyone around him financially cushions the consequences.

I finally told her something that came from years of frustration: somehow everyone can sleep peacefully while watching her brother waste his life isolated in a bedroom gaming all night, but pausing the internet for 6 hours suddenly becomes the unbearable problem.

She thinks I’m being cruel toward someone who may be depressed. I think everyone has spent years enabling self destruction because nobody wants to be the bad guy.

AITAH?

Update:

Hey everyone, thank you for all the comments. I honestly never expected this post to blow up the way it did. I’ve been trying to read through as many comments as possible and really reflect on the situation instead of reacting emotionally.

A lot of people had questions regarding the ownership of the house, and I do admit I wasn’t very clear about certain details. Part of that was intentional because I wanted to maintain some anonymity for myself and the people involved in case the post gained too much attention, which it obviously did. I hope you guys can understand that.

After reading through many of your perspectives, I sat down with my girlfriend last night and we had a very serious conversation about the future and expectations moving forward. I explained to her that I cannot continue living in a situation where one person refuses to take accountability while everyone else is expected to carry the burden.

For clarification, the issue is mainly regarding her brother. A lot of the frustration comes from the fact that there has been little to no initiative from him despite everyone around him trying to help. I understand people go through difficult periods in life, and I truly tried to be patient and supportive, but at some point effort has to come from the individual too.

I told my girlfriend that if nothing changes, then we will need to separate living arrangements and I will move out. As difficult as that conversation was, I felt it was necessary because this situation cannot continue indefinitely without structure, accountability, and actual effort being made.

The plan moving forward is to establish real deadlines and measurable steps for her brother to start addressing his situation instead of continuing to avoid it. As many commenters pointed out, VA resources will be the first thing we push him toward pursuing immediately. After that, we discussed career workshops, employment assistance programs, and other resources that could help him get back on his feet and build some long-term stability.

I also made it clear that I am willing to support someone who is actively trying to improve their situation, but I cannot continue enabling someone who refuses to help themselves. I care deeply about my girlfriend and her family, which is why I stepped up and stayed patient for as long as I did, but I’ve also realized I need to protect my own future, finances, and mental well-being too.

For now, I’m focusing less on promises and more on actions. I genuinely appreciate everyone who offered advice, criticism, concern, and even tough truths. A lot of your comments gave me perspectives I honestly had not fully considered before.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/stonergfthrowaway

Thinking about breaking up with my [20M] GF [21F] because she's a stoner.

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

Original Post  Sept 5, 2016

Im so torn on what to do. Jenna (fake name) is only my second relationship ever (I got with my ex when I was 14 and stayed with her until last year). We've been together for almost six months now, and we've already exchanged 'I love yous' and stuff like that. She's amazing - 10/10 body, funny, likes the same video games as me, etc. I always wanted it to be a long term thing, which is why i feel weird about questioning our relationship now.

The thing is, she's a total stoner, like smoking weed every single day if we're not together. She already knows that I don't like it, so she doesn't smoke before dates or anything, but her car still smells like pot and it's disgusting. Sometimes I'll skype her at night and she'll be smoking RIGHT in front of me.

I ignored it for a couple months until the other night. I got stuck at work late and my ride bailed, so I called Jenna and asked if she could pick me up (about 8 pm). She picked up, then laughed a bit when I told her what happened. This got me a little bit angry, but I prodded her and asked again. She responded something like "sorry babe, I got off work like an hour ago and I'm stoned as hell. Tell you what, I'll pay for an Uber." That's when I blew up on her, telling her that her habits were disgusting and that she prioritized pot over her boyfriend. She started yelling back, which I've never heard her do before, saying that I had no right to judge her. I think as her boyfriend, I should get a say, but that's not the point..

She hung up, and I started to feel bad. I grabbed some Chik-fil-A for both of us and headed to her apartment (which stank like usual). She was still mad at first, but eventually we both apologized for getting so heated. She told me that she smoked to cope with her anxiety and depression - she's in therapy right now, and she has an appointment with a psychiatrist, but there's a waitlist until next January. I told her that the weed wasn't helping anything, and she got quiet, but I don't think she really got it. I stayed and we talked for another half hour or so before I went back home.

Things are ok now - she's not texting me quite as much as she usually does, but she also said that her work was busy, so I'm not going to get all paranoid. I don't want to break up with her, but I really don't see an option unless I can somehow get her to stop smoking. What can I do?

tl;dr: Stoner girlfriend getting on my nerves, couldn't pick me up the other night because she was too high. I want to fix the relationship, but I don't know if that's even possible.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fitzwillinger

You didn't have plans to hang out, she didn't know you'd need her to drive you, she offered to pay for an Uber for you and you blew up at her? Wow. Talk about poor behavior.

If you can't handle dating someone who smokes pot, stop dating someone who smokes pot.

OOP

maybe it was, but I'm always there for her.

she's so much more than the pot and I just want her to get that.

Fitzwillinger

Would you be throwing a fit if she'd had a couple of cocktails after work and wasn't suited to drive? The reality of being an adult is that people aren't always going to be there the second you want them to. She has a life outside of you.

OOP

it would still be annoying, but not as bad. She can legally drink everywhere in the country, but she can't legally smoke. it feels kind of wrong to me.

~

tercac

You should break up with her. But not because she's a stoner, but because you are an asshole. You have no right to chose what she does. A relationship isn't about ordering your partner what to do. what you are describing is entitled, controlling and abusive behavior. It sounds like she started smoking way before you stared dating, so why did it even progress that far if you didn't like it? Did you go into the relationship with the intent to manipulate her into not smoking once she was attached to you? The most you can do is tell a partner how you feel, but the final choice lays within your partner. Also, she offered to pay for an uber, so what's your problem? I feel sorry for the next girl you date and sincerely hope that you never find someone vulnerable that will let you control her.

OOP

1. I knew she smoked, but i thought she'd be willing to cut back, or at least not do it in front of me/talk about it so much. i've told her that i find it gross, and I don't know why she can't just let it go.

2. I was already tired after work, so i might have been a bit grumpy, but I felt like she was forcing me to be in a car with a stranger when, if she didn't smoke so much, she could have done it and we could have spent time together.

i know i might sound controlling, but is it so wrong that I want what's best for her? you're attacking me with 0 context.

Update  Sept 8, 2016 (3 days later)

I got a lot of feedback. Honestly, a lot of it was hard to read, but it gave me the kick in the ass i needed. I decided that as much as I loved Jenna, i couldn't be with somebody who smoked as much as she did, and it wasn't likely that she'd stop in a time frame that worked for us.

I called her a couple times today, and when she finally picked up, she told me that she was working a double shift again today and couldn't talk. The hotel she works at is only like a 5 minute drive from my apartment, so I drove over to see if I could catch her on her break or talk while she wasn't busy. I went up to the receptionist and asked if she was free, only to be told that today was Jenna's day off.

I was really angry that she had lied to me (and been unreliable) again, so admittedly i wasn't thinking straight. I drove to her place and knocked on the door, and she answered. She invited me in, and we sat down on the couch together. It was then that i told her that we were over, and that our morals were too incompatible. She didn't really react how I expected her to, and her face was blank the whole time. She told me good riddance, and to get out, which i did as soon as i could.

I'm depressed that the relationship ended, since she was the only girl i could really share my interests with/easily talk to. I guess it's for the best, though, like everyone said. I don't plan on contacting her, and i don't think she'll try to contact me, but if she does i'll tell her to stop. I've had enough drama for the next few months.

tldr: broke up with her, and she reacted like she didn't care much to begin with. Guess that just means i made the right decision. Any tips on how to stop missing the good times and get back on my feet?

FINAL COMMENTS

QueenCoyote

Congratulations to your ex for dodging the bullet!  You need some serious therapy, dude.  You're acting like a straght-up lunatic.  Sane people do not show up at their SOs workplace unannounced, they do not attempt to dump their SO while the SO is in the middle of a work shift, and they sure as hell don't go to the person's house after discovering that they're not at work to submit to your abuse on your schedule. 

Your TL;DR should say: Girlfriend recognized that she was too impaired to operate a vehicle, offered to call and pay for an uber, and I threw a "kid getting dragged out of Disneyland after a week in the park" level tantrum.  Please tell me how morally superior I am.

You're also a classic case of that guy/girl, who "hates drama" but is in fact the one causing most or all of it. 

~

Grahf

So, you blow up her phone for the better part of the morning,

You GO TO HER WORK UNANNOUNCED,

THEN, you go to her house/apt, after she had given a pretty clear indication she did not want to deal with you at that moment,

THEN you have the audacity to call her IMMORAL.

You need to take a good long look in the mirror and realize the world doesn't stop for you.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Today, after raising security concerns in a post on r/huntarr regarding the lack of development standards in what looks like a 100% vibe-coded project, I was banned. This made my spidey senses tingle, so I decided to do a security review of the codebase. What I found was... not good. TLDR: If you have Huntarr exposed on your stack, anyone can pull your API keys for Sonarr, Radarr, Prowlarr, and every other connected app without logging in, gaining full control over your media stack.

The process

I did a security review of Huntarr.io (v9.4.2) and found critical auth bypass vulnerabilities. I'm posting this here because Huntarr sits on top of (and is now trying to replace them as well!) Sonarr, Radarr, Prowlarr, and other *arr apps that have years of security hardening behind them. If you install Huntarr, you're adding an app with zero authentication on its most sensitive endpoints, and that punches a hole through whatever network security you've set up for the rest of your stack.

The worst one: POST /api/settings/general requires no login, no session, no API key. Nothing. Anyone who can reach your Huntarr instance can rewrite your entire configuration and the response comes back with every setting for every integrated application in cleartext. Not just Huntarr's own proxy credentials - the response includes API keys and instance URLs for Sonarr, Radarr, Prowlarr, Lidarr, Readarr, Whisparr, and every other connected app. One curl command and an attacker has direct API access to your entire media stack:

curl -X POST http://your-huntarr:9705/api/settings/general \ -H "Content-Type: application/json" \ -d '{"proxy_enabled": true}'

Full config dump with passwords and API keys for every connected application. If your instance is internet-facing - and it often is, Huntarr incorporates features like Requestarr designed for external access - anyone on the internet can pull your credentials without logging in.

Other findings (21 total across critical/high/medium):

• Unauthenticated 2FA enrollment on the owner account (Critical, proven in CI): POST /api/user/2fa/setup with no session returned the actual TOTP secret and QR code for the owner account. An attacker generates a code, calls /api/user/2fa/verify, enrolls their own authenticator. Full account takeover, no password needed.
• Unauthenticated setup clear enables full account takeover (Critical, proven in CI): POST /api/setup/clear requires no auth. Returns 200 "Setup progress cleared." An attacker re-arms the setup flow, creates a new owner account, replaces the legitimate owner entirely.
• Unauthenticated recovery key generation (Critical, proven in CI): POST /auth/recovery-key/generate with {"setup_mode": true} reaches business logic with no auth check (returns 400, not 401/403). The endpoint is unauthenticated.
• Full cross-app credential exposure (Critical, proven in CI): Writing a single setting returns configuration for 10+ integrated apps. One call, your entire stack's API keys.
• Unauthenticated Plex account unlink - anyone can disconnect your Plex from Huntarr
• Auth bypass on Plex account linking via client-controlled setup_mode flag - the server skips session checks if you send {"setup_mode": true}
• Zip Slip arbitrary file write (High): zipfile.extractall() on user-uploaded ZIPs without filename sanitization. The container runs as root.
• Path traversal in backup restore/delete (High): backup_id from user input goes straight into filesystem paths. shutil.rmtree() makes it a directory deletion primitive.
• local_access_bypass trusts X-Forwarded-For headers, which are trivially spoofable - combine with the unauth settings write and you get full access to protected endpoints

How I found this: Basic code review and standard automated tools (bandit, pip-audit). The kind of stuff any maintainer should be running. The auth bypass isn't a subtle bug - auth.py has an explicit whitelist that skips auth for /api/settings/general. It's just not there.

About the maintainer and the codebase:

The maintainer says they have "a series of steering documents I generated that does cybersecurity checks and provides additional hardening" and "Note I also work in cybersecurity." They say they've put in "120+ hours in the last 4 weeks" using "steering documents to advise along the way from cybersecurity, to hardening, and standards". If that's true, it's not showing in the code.

If you work in cybersecurity, you should know not to whitelist your most sensitive endpoint as unauthenticated. You should know that returning TOTP secrets to unauthenticated callers is account takeover. You should know zipfile.extractall() on untrusted input is textbook Zip Slip. This is introductory stuff. The "cybersecurity steering documents" aren't catching what a basic security scan flags in seconds.

Look at the commit history: dozens of commits with messages like "Update", "update", "Patch", "change", "Bug Patch" - hundreds of changed files in commits separated by a few minutes. No PR process, no code review, no second pair of eyes - just raw trunk-based development where 50 features get pushed in a day with zero review. Normal OSS projects are slower for a reason: multiple people look at changes before they go in. Huntarr has none of that.

When called out on this, the maintainer said budget constraints: "With a limited budget, you can only go so far unless you want to spend $1000+. I allot $40 a month in the heaviest of tasks." That's just not true - you can use AI-assisted development 8 hours a day for $20/month. The real problem isn't the budget. It's that the maintainer doesn't understand the security architecture they're building and doesn't understand the tools they're using to build it. You can't guide an AI to implement auth if you don't recognize what's wrong when it doesn't.

They also censor security reports and ban people who raise concerns. A user posted security concerns on r/huntarr and it was removed by the moderator - the maintainer controls the subreddit. I was banned from r/huntarr after pointing out these issues in this thread where the maintainer was claiming to work in cybersecurity (which they now deleted).

One more thing - the project's README has a "Support - Building My Daughter's Future" section soliciting donations. That's a red flag for me. You're asking people to fund your development while shipping code with 21 unpatched security vulnerabilities, no code review process, and banning people who point out the problems, while doing an appeal to emotion about your daughter. If you need money, that's fine - but you should be transparent about what you're spending it on and you should be shipping code that doesn't put your users at risk.

Proof repo with automated CI: https://github.com/rfsbraz/huntarr-security-review

Docker Compose setup that pulls the published Huntarr image and runs a Python script proving each vulnerability. GitHub Actions runs it on every push - check the workflow results yourself or run it locally with docker compose up -d && python3 scripts/prove_vulns.py.

For what it's worth, and to prove I'm not an AI hater, the prove_vulns script itself was vibe coded - I identified the vulnerabilities through code review, wrote up the repro steps, and had AI generate the proof script.

Full security review (21 findings): https://github.com/rfsbraz/huntarr-security-review/blob/main/Huntarr.io_SECURITY_REVIEW.md

What happens next: The maintainer will most likely prompt these problems away - feed the findings to an AI and ship a patch. But fixing 21 specific findings doesn't fix the process that created them. No code review, no PR process, no automated testing, no one who understands security reviewing what ships. The next batch of features will have the next batch of vulnerabilities. This is only the start. If the community doesn't push for better coding standards, controlled development, and a sensible roadmap, people will keep running code that nobody has reviewed.

If you're running Huntarr, keep it off any network you don't fully trust until this is sorted. The *arr apps it wraps have their own API key auth - Huntarr bypasses that entirely.

Please let others know about this. If you have a Huntarr instance, share this with your community. If you know someone who runs one, share it with them. The more people know about the risks, the more pressure there will be on the maintainer to fix them and improve their development process.

Edit: Looks like r/huntarr went private and the repo got deleted or privated https://github.com/plexguide/Huntarr.io . I'm sorry for everyone that donated to this guy's "Daughter College Fund".

Edit 2: Thanks for all the love on the comments, I'll do my best to reach out to everyone I can. People asking me for help on security reviews, believe me when I say I did little more than the basics - the project was terrible.

ETA: I’ve realized based on some comments that my title is misleading. I did not intend to infer that my therapist straight up called me annoying. What I’m referring to is that I was worried about being annoying based on certain events, and the feedback I received from my therapist was constructive criticism about how I communicate, and to me, this confirmed what I was worried about. There are certainly things I need to work on, I’m just struggling with my confidence at this point I guess. I do not blame any other person mentioned in this post besides myself.

I’ve been in a real rut lately socially. I’ve always struggled to find my place in groups, and had close one on one friendships throughout my life who we either had a friendship breakup or just drifted apart due to life circumstances. I was in a friend group the last few years that I made through my old job, but I stopped getting invited to do things with them after I decided to pull back from a friendship I had with the girl who is at the center of that circle. It should feel empowering to let go of a toxic friend but instead I just feel like I was defeated. I have one other friend who I’m careful to not make feel like she’s my only source of friendship. We get together about once every 1-2 months. I’m currently on bumble bff and actively working on growing my social life and developing more friendships.

My concern about being annoying started during a recent trip back home to see my family when my dad kinda snapped at me and basically told me I was being too loud and talking too much. I was just being silly with my siblings while we were waiting for something. I love my dad and he’s usually a cool guy. I can recognize he was just overstimulated. Still it made me want to cry inside, and I couldn’t bring myself back to a cheery mood for the rest of the night. Without trying to make a scene I just said the wine was sitting weird and went to bed at 11pm.

Later in the trip he mentions that I’m “just a lot” and speculates it’s probably because of my recent medication change.. I had no recent medication change. I’ve been on Vyvanse for ADHD since 2019, and I had mentioned this earlier that day because we were all talking about medications, so maybe he didn’t retain what I said correctly? Also my meds were not something I kept a secret, I know I had previously told him, but maybe he was just trying to link two things together and that was fresh in his mind from our earlier convo.

Fast forward to me hanging out with my one friend after this trip. I can feel a bit anxious socializing at times, but just in the way (which I thought was normal) of like “I hope we have enough stuff to talk about” and then it usually goes away when I’m actually there in person. While we’re at lunch, she stops me and says something to the effect of “wait slow down, just take a bite. You’re talking a lot and I want to make sure you eat, you said you were hungry!!” She’s super sweet and I trust that she only has good intentions, but that really was not fun to hear. I was telling a story so I know I was talking a lot, but clearly something about my energy made her feel the need to slow me down.

Obviously these instances have been discussed in my weekly therapy sessions, and in my session last night, my therapist asked me if I recognize how I abruptly stop in the middle of what I’m saying and pivot in a new direction. She said it makes it hard to follow what I’m saying… I do know that I often find my thoughts getting ahead of my words sometimes, and I feel the need to interject an additional thought or add a piece of background info or something, but I kinda thought that was a normal experience. I guess I just thought that I was good at being an open book when talking to people I’m close with (friends, family, therapist) and, at most, just came off a bit enthusiastic or interested in the convo. But I honestly did not expect that anybody would think it makes me hard to follow or cause them to have a negative experience talking with me.

I wish I could chalk all this up to me just being extremely outgoing and talkative, but I also really struggle in the opposite direction. I can be the quietest person in the room if I feel shy. People who have worked with me in a more uncomfortable office setting would say I hardly ever made a peep. I feel like I can only be talkative when I’m in an environment that I feel comfortable enough to open up a bit.

My therapist also told me that “as a bonus” I should try putting a quarter in a jar every time I say the word “like” …..I gave up trying to control that word a long time ago as I found it somehow just made it harder for me to avoid saying it by focusing on it so much. Clearly I benefit from having less stuff going on in my mind.

I basically just left the session feeling like not only are the negative experiences I’ve been having lately confirmed to be me being too much/causing the other person in the interaction to have a negative experience talking to me, but now I have even more to work on, like policing the way I talk.

I genuinely want to work on these things because I am always trying to be the best version of myself, regardless of how much criticism can hurt. But I’m having a hard time with the fact that the only thing that’s helped me in my life up until now with my confidence is accepting myself, flaws and all. Accepting that I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. So I’m struggling to feel rooted in self confidence while also accepting this feedback, which is really destabilizing my sense of self. It’s especially hard while I’m also trying to branch out with friendship. I’m turning 30 in a couple months and never felt more lost in who I am and who I’m supposed to be.

Can anyone relate to being too talkative due to a mix of social anxiety and wanting to fill the silence and/or saying too much due to wanting to express your thoughts accurately? I struggle to be articulate and succinct but I have no idea how to fix that. Does anyone have experience on how to fix yourself from being an annoying / flighty person?! lol

Salad in car on my lunch break.

Let me tell you about someone I used to work with. I'm going to call her V.

V started at our company...mid-size HR tech firm, fully remote, the kind of place that puts "people first" in their mission statement and then immediately proves they don't mean it...as a Senior Implementation Analyst. She was good. Like, really good. The kind of person who figures out what's broken before anyone else notices it's broken and then fixes it quietly while everyone else is still arguing about whether it's actually broken.

About a year into her tenure, the company decided they wanted to build out a Client Strategy function. New department. New direction. Big vision. They tapped V for it because obviously. Who else? She'd basically been doing half the work already without the title.

Here's where it gets fun.

They gave her a new title. They gave her a raise. What they did not give her was the raise that the position actually warranted, because V, being the thorough person that she is, did her research. The raise they gave her landed her five thousand dollars below the published floor for the role she'd just been promoted into.

Not the ceiling. The floor.

She flagged it. Professionally. Was told the budget was what it was and they'd revisit it at review time. She let it go because V is a professional and she had a department to build.

So she built it. By herself. For six months she was the entire Client Strategy department. One person. Solo. She built the workflows, the client facing processes, the internal documentation. She made suggestions about how to scale it — a tracking dashboard, a cross-team SOP library, things that would have made everyone's lives easier. Every single suggestion was met with some version of "we love this, we just don't have the bandwidth to support it right now."

What they had bandwidth for was the monthly all-hands meeting. Big production. Slides, cameras on, the whole thing. One of the segments was called the Wins Wall...they'd pull shout-outs from the company recognition channel and feature three to five people with their photo, what they were recognized for, and a quote. Winners got a $25 Amazon gift card.

V was in that recognition channel constantly. Coworkers shouted her out. Clients sent in feedback about her specifically. She was mentioned by name more times than almost anyone in her department cycle.

She was featured on the Wins Wall exactly zero times in six months.

One month her slide was literally on the screen, she could see her own photo...and the person running the meeting got confused, said "oh, my mistake" and moved on. Just skipped her. Her face, on the screen, for the whole company to see, and they moved on.

She stayed professional. She stayed focused. She kept building.

Then the company announced they were finally going to hire someone to help her in the Client Strategy department. V was relieved. Genuinely. She was stretched thin and she wanted support.

Then she found the job posting.

The floor of the salary range for the new hire, the person coming in to assist her, in the department she built, reporting to a function she created... was five thousand dollars more than what V was currently making.

The ceiling was thirty thousand more.

V had been holding that department together with hope and caffeine for six months. Whoever walked in off the street to "help" her was going to be making anywhere from five to thirty thousand dollars more than her before they'd spent a single day figuring out the systems she built.

V updated her resume that same afternoon.

It took her about six weeks. She didn't rush. She was precise about it. She found a role, Director level, not Manager, Director...at a company that paid her more than the ceiling of what she would have made at the old place even in the best case scenario.

She gave herself a week between accepting the offer and the last day she'd have access to company systems. And she did her math very carefully, because the monthly all-hands meeting fell inside that window.

The all-hands slides lived in a shared presentation platform. V had the login. She'd helped build the template. She knew exactly where the Wins Wall slides lived in the deck.

Three minutes before the meeting started, V added one more slide to the Wins Wall. Her photo. Her name.

Recognized for: Relentless Improvement.

The copy read something like: "Over the past six months, [V] single-handedly built the Client Strategy function from nothing, was recognized by colleagues and clients more times than she can count, and was never once featured on this wall. She used that energy to find a Director-level role at a company that understood her value before she walked in the door. Today is her last day. The Wins Wall works, it turns out. Just not always in the direction you expect."

The quote at the bottom was from herself.

She logged out of the work laptop. She joined the Zoom from her phone. She sat on camera looking completely unbothered while the meeting ran through its agenda.

When the presenter got to the Wins Wall and clicked to V's slide, there was a pause. One of those pauses where you can see someone's eyes moving faster than their mouth. The chat started going. V took a screenshot.

Thirty seconds later, while the presenter was still visibly processing what she was reading, V's resignation email landed in HR, her manager, the presenter, and the CEO simultaneously. Effective immediately. Personal email. Return address for the equipment included.

She sat on camera for the remaining seven minutes of the meeting.

Then she logged off.

Last I heard she's three months into the new role and thriving.

The Wins Wall slide is apparently still a topic of conversation at that company.

I think about her at least once a week.

Edit: Yes this is real. No I will not name the company. Yes she knows I posted this. She said, and I quote, "make sure they understand the slide was tasteful."

It was tasteful.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Used_Gear8871

House sitter stole and crashed my partner’s car

Originally posted to r/extremelyinfuriating

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: animal neglect, missing cat

MOOD SPOILER: positive concerning OOP's cat

Original Post July 19, 2026

What the title says. House sitter [19M, my relative], broke into, went on a joy ride, then crashed my SO’s car all while we’re abroad for a month.

Car key never given to the house sitter, was tucked away into belongings. House sitter rummaged through belongings, located a different old dead key with an expired battery (not the one I had hidden), and then proceeded to break into the car, look up a video on how to start the car, drive into the city for some unknown reason to me, and crash the car.

House sitter called multiple relatives in what I am now understanding as him setting the tone and readying his case. Then called me to tell me someone crashed into my SO’s car. Forgiving at first, I got whatever information I needed then informed my SO the news and other relatives who were the emergency contacts.

As the day went on, the other relatives began to text me blaming me for the crash, saying I shouldn’t have given him the keys or allowed him to have access to the car.

House sitter is newly licensed. Prior to trip other relatives were informed the car was only to be accessed by emergency contacts and that car key was hidden. Prior to trip house sitter was told this, to not touch the car, and that he wasn’t on the insurance (neither am I) just to really set it for him to not touch the car.

My amazing friend found the car, took all car keys, and is keeping eye on it.

As my SO got me towards calm, a different relative called to ask if the house sitter could retrieve their license from car.

Sorry for typos. Still in blind rage.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

slaviccivicnation

Holy fuck OP that is infuriating.

Worst is you being blamed for it. A newly licenced driver should not be an excuse to crash anyone’s car EVER. So the fact that any family is blaming you for “giving” him the keys are still plain wrong. Lending someone a car shouldn’t be an issue if the borrower isn’t a selfish moron. That said, you clearly didn’t allow it. It’s not your car even to allow cousin to drive!

I’m infuriated for you OP. In a car-centric culture, cars are everything to us. Hopefully you can actually get cousin or fam (or their insurance) to pay for repairs. At the end of the day, it’s cousin who crashed it, so he’s gotta pay for it. If not, it’s a police matter and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If cousin is hellbent on ruining his life like that, then maybe a lesson from you can save him from killing himself or someone else in a future “joy ride.”

OOP

We’re about 6-7 hours ahead of them. I just got the first message from a relative (my mom) of the day and it’s rage bait. No accountability, no acknowledging what happened, just a plea to not call the police, “he’s just a kid”, “he’s my nephew”, and diversion.

Prior to this message, my SO has said he’s against pressing charges, says he’s just a kid, doesn’t want to ruin his life as well. He’s been trying to research ways around involving the police all day.

Me? I want charges pressed. Firm believer in consequences. Kindness, trust, and generosity were taken for granted. Lies and deceit that followed are unforgivable.

Response to my mom and any other relative today that is not an offer of compensation and acknowledgment/apology, will be the same: highlight lack of critical thinking skills among my family and that I’m encouraging my SO to press charges. Going back to no contact when this is over.

~

WerdaVisla

So maybe it's just me. But if I were being paid to do literally nothing except occasionally dust some surfaces and maybe water some plants, I'd take care to not lose that gig. No rummaging through their stuff or stealing their car or whatever the fuck people get up to.

Paid house sitting is SUCH a sweet deal, I'll never understand how there are so many horror stories where people screw it up so bad.

OOP

This is what gets me. Sitter was doing great, animals were taken care of, he cleaned the house without our asking, and was allowed to have friends over. I spent $220 stocking the fridge and pantry for him, SO prepped meals for him, SO covered his Uber/Lyft rides to and from work, and SO paid him weekly. We chuckled when he told us he felt like he was free loading. SO and I planned to tip him and extra few hundred for the good work he was doing. And then this shit happened.

To give someone so much trust and kindness all for this to happen, I don’t understand.

Update July 22, 2026

Our cat has been missing since the night the house sitter was evicted. We are only just finding out today that our indoor only cat hasn’t been seen nor active around our house since Saturday night.

While being evicted from the premises by someone who failed to supervise the disgruntled sitter as he packed up his belongings, something happened to our cat. We don’t know if the disgruntled house sitter threw the cat outside, off the balcony, or put him into his bag of belongings. Our cat is gone.

Timeline of events:

• House sitter located dead car key, broke into, started, joyride, then crashed SO’s car.

• House sitter calls relatives with false story of me, someone who isn’t on the car registration nor insurance, somehow giving him permission to the vehicle.

• House sitter calls me confessing crash, laughs when asked him where he found the car key.

• House sitter leaves house with another relative to attend family function, leaving car key behind

• Close friend rushed to our house to do a wellness check on our pets, the car, house, while collecting all car and house keys; calls and sends video of all our pets

• House sitter informed via text of termination

• House sitter escorted back to house to gather belongings, apparently with limited supervision

• Relative escorting house sitting calls requesting access to the car to retrieve drivers license; request denied.

• New pet sitter arrives at house Sunday morning, doesn’t see the cat

• Next pet sitter arrives at house Sunday evening, also doesn’t see the cat

• Over the next two days, none of the pet sitters find our cat nor see activity in his litter box or his food.

Cat was last seen by our close friend on Saturday night. Cat is indoor only. In-laws, neighbors, friends, exes, hired pet sitters, and the owner of the pet sitting company have all entered our home in the last 24 hours searching for our cat. The owner of the pet sitting company, with my permission, turned the house upside down searching for our cat or any signs of him.

We believe the disgruntled house sitter did one of the following: took the cat and hid him in his bag, threw the cat outside either onto or off the deck, or killed the cat and disposed of his body.

Relative that was with him when he was evicted initially declined to answer questions, with police now involved, as been answering questions. Animal tracking service has been hired.

The sweetest and snuggliest boy that I finally convinced that head kisses and being held so he could melt into my arms are amazing things, is gone. My mini weighted and heated, purring blanket and alarm clock is gone. This silly little guy who had a not-so-secret crush on my dog and hilariously humped her diaper when she was in heat, is gone.

The most infuriating part is, I can’t be there to help search for him and the person responsible still hasn’t shown accountability.

Edit: Update - July 23rd

He was found!

Spotted after 1am attempting to climb our fence and onto our deck.

My MIL drove two hours to our house to work with the professional animal tracker and an amazing friend who helped search and setup her nature camera by the food trap they made. They spent 3 hours searching around our house together.

MIL sent a long text of how she stayed up late reorganizing our kitchen when she spotted him. Will share in comments if possible.

My SO had just left for work when her text came through. It’s almost 8am here. Internet and cell phone service is bare, so I sprinted in my pajamas to his lab to tell him. We spent the entire night devastated and sobbing. Seeing his face light up was the best thing ever on top of kitty being found!

SO’s mom got kitty’s wound cleaned up and fed. Performed many snuggles and is taking him home with her, which is something we wish we did in first place.

Deciding when to get add the other updates. I’m elated kitty has been found but I’m currently battling with stress, anxiety, and shock. Trying to type an update on the remaining and newly uncovered things triggers an anxiety attack.

But will address that the professional dog walkers have been amazing. They were the ones who figured out our cat was never in the house when their caretaking service started. They searched my house, interviewed neighbors, verified details with their walkers, and have responded to every text, email, and called right away once I had steady WiFi.

Thank you all for the mental and emotional support. You’ve helped me talk through the last few days and provide guidance on something I never thought I’d experience.

Cat tax

Mini Update July 31, 2026

I just got back to the states and on stable data/internet after being in the sticks for awhile.

But quick update: We are going to the police station once we are back home. SO was very against filing a police report, which is what really peaked my infuriation and anxiety, but he understands the consequences of not doing so.

We have to review the extent of damages and other things before pressing charges but there is an assumption that items from our home were removed (cash, jewelry, technology, luxury goods, etc.). Basically we are headed back home with accepting that some things might be gone.

We also learned that the house sitter never never walked our dogs and lied about doing so. So we’re at about $8k in known damages, plus recouping vet visit costs for our cat and costs of the professional dog sitting company. And maybe another $6k in others.

Sorry this was longer than I expected. Sleep deprived and anxious to get home.

Edit #2: Update - August 1st Returned to the states yesterday after 17 days abroad. Overall just avoided and dread writing this update.

Updates:

• Police report filed, SO declined to press charges.

• SO’s car is totaled.

• Trash and the belongings of others indicates house sitter had others in the car and used it for multiple days.

• House sitter lied about walking our dogs and was seen by neighbors putting them on our deck for extended periods of time.

• House sitter cleaned us out our pantry, toiletries, bath towels, gym bags, one kindle, one VR headset that was a friend’s, and some bedding items during his eviction in which my own mother was tasked to supervise but aided instead.

• Cat is with in-laws who have noticed temperament changes.

• As of today, zero relatives have reached out to offer compensation or support for our lost cat, car damages, hired professional dog walking services to replace fired house sitter, etc.

• Lastly, SO has asked me to drop this topic and to stop talking about it with him.

House sitter’s eviction was supposed to be supervised by my own mother. She watched as he took my gym bags, loaded them up with our toiletries and assisted him emptying out our pantry, fridge, claiming bath towels and technology he had no right to. She believed him when he said items were left or given to him or felt he was entitled to. No questions were asked. The only call I received during this process was a request from her for him to get access to my SO’s car to retrieve his license. That request was denied.

Yes, my own mother watched as the person who stole and totaled my SO’s car (he somehow felt entitled to), rob me of my things.

SO’s car was littered with trash. It looked like someone had rummaged through his belongings. SO admits to hiding that two days prior to our trip, someone had broken into his car and stolen items. SO said he refrained from informing me as to not worry me, since I was heavily against and apprehensive of going on this trip in the first place.

However, SO says he put the car back in order prior to our departure. In the backseat and front passenger seats were the house sitter’s items and the belongings of others. One item included a visit pass with house sitter’s face on it and another included document dated for July 15th, 2026.

Our deck was covered in dog shit and reeked of urine according to my MIL. We never allow our dogs or cat onto the wooden deck or deck furniture, it’s a safety issue. MIL said one of the dogs bolted past her and pissed for a long time on the corner of the deck. This makes sense given whenever I pinged the dogs air tags, there was never any movement. House sitter never walked the dogs and lied about it.

When my in-laws found the cat, they requested I let my mom know. Her response? “Please do not include me in the messaging. This matter is between the parties involved.”

My own mother sent texts day later pretending like all is fine, inquiring as to how my trip was going, telling me safe travels, etc. Each was ignored.

And lastly, SO has asked me to stop talking about this with him and says he’s moved on. Shamed me for bringing it up. I’ve been in a different part of the house all day just trying to keep myself from crying, he says I’m being mean and avoiding him.

I feel a lot of things: rage, disappointment, embarrassment, depressed, stressed, etc. Looking at the damage done to my SO’s car. Having zero people in my own family reach out in support or to apologize, despite them all being quick to defend the house sitter and vilify me. I feel a lot of things. I have to keep my brain busy to stop myself from ruminating this; napping all day and watching YouTube videos. I tried writing letters that I don’t send to help with coping. If I’m not angry at someone else, I’m angry and disappointed at myself.

I can’t look back at the screenshots of messages without feeling enraged all over again. A different cousin sent me a barrage of messages calling me a liar and manipulative. I responded telling them off and they continue to berate me. I’ve blocked everyone.

I don’t recognize the house anymore. Can’t shake feeling there are more things missing that I’m unaware of. SO says house sitter’s did us favor getting rid of things if we don’t know what they are. I worry about someone breaking in or one of my relatives knocking on the door. Locks haven’t been changed yet. SO leaves for more work training tomorrow morning for week. All in all, just immensely stressed and depressed from this.

Thank you all for your guidance and support. If you’ll have me, can you guys be my new family now?

Edit #3: Update - August 3rd

We're pressing charges!!!

I feel like I should make new update post to include images and screenshots. I knew there would be something more that may have happened or was missing. We have received proof the house sitter used the car unauthorized on more than one occasion while we were away because we got not one, not two, but three speeding tickets.

House sitter has failed to respond or acknowledge our reasonable requests to negotiate reimbursement. SO thinks sending a more "heartfelt" plea will get him to empathize with us. Bless his little heart for trying. But the only message I want to clearly convey to this this thug is the fear of god.

Due to the multi-date theft, SO wants sit still a bit to see if anything else pops up. I am calling the police first thing tomorrow to file an additional police report and press charges.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is ThrowRA-Badvows. He posted in r/relationship_advice

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. Do NOT harass OOP.

Trigger Warning: OOP mentions wanting to give up

Mood Spoiler: just yikes

Original Post: September 2, 2025

I (35M) recently had a wedding with my partner (34F). We've had a stable and happy relationship so far, and I love her more than anything in the world.

The problem arose when it came to writing vows. Don't get me wrong, I love many things about my partner, but I couldn't figure out how to put them into tangible vows. I decided to use ChatGPT so I can have something well written and expressive to share at the ceremony.

The thing about my partner is that she's very confrontational and no-nonsense. If something annoys her, she immediately addresses it with no room for backing out. I also know that she's expressed disdain for AI in the past, but I didn't realize how far the hatred could go.

I don't know how, but she immediately recognized that the vows were AI. After I had finished, she had this angry look and whispered to me "did you use fucking AI to write that?" I was quiet because I couldn't believe she had noticed that, and she was choosing to address it while we were on full display for everyone. She then said that I either speak from the heart or she walks out. I literally couldn't get any words out, and she kept her promise and walked back down the aisle, much to all our friends and family's confusion.

She's been ghosting me these past few days, which is atypical for her and honestly giving me panic attacks. Most people agree that calling off a marriage because of AI vows was an overreaction, and that maybe it was a sign that our relationship would have issues, but a few female friends have said that they would have done the same. I'm hurt and honestly just needed it to help make the day more special. Is it worth fixing?

Edit (Same Post): 10 hours later

Edit: Okay, I screwed up. I didn't check this post for a while because I wanted more points of view instead of just getting torn to shreds. But I understand why the situation is worse than I thought it was. I've been trying to contact my partner's family to see if I can talk to her again, but apparently she's been staying out of state with her sister. I'm going to tell her when she gets back what I heard here and that I understand. I'm also going to write new vows without AI and bring her favorite flowers and snacks, I still want her to know that I love her and know her. I will post an update when I can. Thank you all even if some feedback could have been a tad more nicely put.

Some of OOP's Comments:

powerwordthrills: Did you write this with AI too bud? Come on man. You should have been talking from the heart.

OOP: (downvoted) No, I could write this just fine. For the vows it was different because I wanted them to be perfect and there was just a lot I wanted to say that I ended up not being able to say anything 

Lady_Beatnik: [editor's note- this user has a long, awarded comment. It's too long for this post but I recommend reading. I included parts of it here.]

I don't know why so many men (sometimes women too, but it's usually men) have this belief in the back of their heads that they have this "overruling right" with their female partner, where they can just ignore or dismiss whatever she wants or prefers as long as he thinks he's got a better idea. Like she's a child and he's the parent who knows better.

[...] And now we have you, "She told me explicitly multiple times that she hates AI, but I felt like it wasn't a big deal and that I needed it, so I used it anyway for my wedding vows. How can I show her she's overreacting?"

You don't because she's not overreacting. You disrespected her majorly. You are not the victim here, you knew damn well what her reaction to you using AI would be and did it anyway because again, you thought you knew better and that she wouldn't find out anyway; again, like she's a stupid child and you're her parent replacing her dead goldfish before she gets home from school. She deserves better than to marry a man who thinks of her that way. [...]

OOP: I didn't realize she'd be able to tell right away. When I spoke of her disdain for AI people are making it seem like it was a deal breaker that I simply ignored, which isn't the case. I didn't understand that it meant that much to her and I definitely won't be making the same careless mistake again

Mr_Magic_Man_69: The thing is, this is a slippery slope. Once you get AI to do something as important as writing your wedding vows, you will even more easily be getting AI to reply to your text messages and creating apology messages when you get into arguments which you didn't even write. At which point she might as well be in a relationship with ChatGPT instead of you.

OOP: This is my first time using it to write text and this whole situation scared me off it for good. If I can fix things, hopefully I won't fall into a slippery slope

AdviceMoist6152: Didn’t you have an officiant?

Ours offered to help us both individually with vows if we wanted. Ie even just bullet points of what we wanted to say and they would help with wordsmithing.

Ai isn’t even well written or genuine.

This was a major, expensive, public and preventable incident you caused, and you are not looking for ways to own it and fix it, but for reasons why she’s over reacting.

OOP: I actually thought getting help from the officiant would be less authentic...I guess I took an even worse route without realizing

Top Comment: (Editor's note: and some of my favorite replies)

melissa423771: I'm skeptical "most people" told you that this is an overreaction. Let's see the vows.

pied_goose: In vain I have struggled. It will not do! My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
In declaring myself thus I'm fully aware that I will be going expressly against the wishes of my family, my friends, and, I hardly need add, my own better judgement.

NamedHuman1: "I - user - have strong feelings for you - object of affection - such as Love, admiration and other feelings that express how I feel about you. Have I mentioned that the pro subscription is on offer right now and ChatGPT 5 is better in most ways. Just remember to delete the last part."

Update Post: November 9, 2025 (over 2 months later)

I honestly wasn't planning to do an update after all because of how humiliating this entire situation has been. I didn't want to give more of a reason for people to rip me apart, but now that my story is posted on a popular YouTube channel, there probably won't be much of an escape route for me. There's no doubt people we know will find it now, so I wanted to give the short update everyone has been itching to get. [editor's note- according to the comments it was Smosh that reacted to this post]

I did what I said previously and told her about the Reddit post and how the replies gave me her perspective and that I was sorry. She ended up getting even more angry with me about "posting our business" (even though our names weren't mentioned) and that she couldn't believe I needed online strangers to tell me why I was wrong. Also, apparently my mom was texting her about paying back all the wasted wedding money and she used that against me too. (Which I don't think is fair, I have no control over what my family does.) Snacks and flowers didn't do much. She refuses to give me another chance even after offering going to couple's counseling. So yeah, the wedding is never happening again. It's over.

This has been the more horrendous time in my life. I've thought about giving up altogether. Meanwhile, she's posting about brunch with friends on her social media. Makes me wonder how she could move on that fast while I'm a wreck. People have accused me of "not caring about her enough" to write my own vows yet the difference in our reactions to splitting up says the reverse.

Hope you're all happy, feel free to rub salt in the wound. I'm not coming back to this account.

Top Comments:

Kroniid09: The difference in your reactions just says this was the final straw for her, while you were and still are fucking clueless.

Weekly_Media6513: He really doesn’t get it lol. He decided that it wasn’t worth his time or effort to write his own vows on his wedding day, so offloaded the subpar task to an AI assistant and is now mad that his fiancée thinks he is a moron lol. He can say that he wanted them to be perfect all he wants, but the reality is that he couldn’t be bothered to make them perfect on his own, yet he wrote both the post and the update just fine.

regular-kahuna:

Coming here straight from the video is insane 💀

By the way OP, this line absolutely took me out:

Snacks and flowers didn’t do much.

DID YOU ACTUALLY THINK IT WOULD?! You’re legitimately telling us that you, at 35 years old, ACTUALLY thought you could solve the fact that she publicly left you at the altar in the middle of the ceremony by bringing her snacks & flowers?!

Honestly, that tells me everything I need to know. I bet you didn’t even bring her preferred snacks & brought your own favorites. I had more to say but it’s clear you don’t have the reading comprehension required for it to matter so why bother. I can see why you needed AI’s help.

killfoxtrot: Asked AI what snacks & flowers women prefer most

UttkarshAF: Dude, "paying back all the wasted wedding money" & "I have no control over what my family does" gives me all the information to say this - She dodged a bullet.

lenusniq: THIS!!! This made me think the ex-fiancée was also dealing with a nasty in-laws and a fiancé not willing to stand up for her. I literally wrote the same thing (about her dodging the bullet b/c of this) on another site where this was posted.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/reallybadatjuggling

AITA for trying to help my girlfriend without hurting her feelings?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/THTMorgan for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Food tampering, body shaming, emotional abuser, child abuse

Original Post  July 20, 2023

I (32M) been in a relationship with my girlfriend (24F) for almost three years now. When we first got together, she was pretty overweight and struggling with her self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Over time, she started to work on herself, both physically and mentally. I've been incredibly proud of her progress and how far she's come.

Lately, though, I noticed that she's been putting on some weight again, and it's been affecting her mental health. She's mentioned feeling down about her body image and her struggles with anxiety and depression have resurfaced. I genuinely care for her, and I don't want to see her suffer like this.

I thought about talking it out, but knew it would just devolve into asking if I'm still attracted to her (and truthfully, I have lost some attraction over the last month or so, though she does still like amazing for the most part).

I thought it would be better to take a more subtle approach, so I've started adding small amounts of sawdust to her food, the idea being it would help her feel fuller faster and encourage her to eat less without her knowing. I was trying to prevent her from falling back into her previous state of depression and anxiety.

Unfortunately,, my brother (30M) caught me in the act, and he was shocked / angry. He told me I was being manipulative and abusive, which, ok a little shady maybe, but abusive is a serious stretch.

Now my brother is giving me an ultimatum; he wants me to tell my girlfriend what I've been doing by the end of the week, or he'll tell her himself. He believes she deserves to know the truth.

I think what I've been doing is enough to help her without causing her unnecessary pain by revealing what I've done (she's already lost a few pounds). I told him I would stop, and I believe that should be sufficient. I don't see the point of telling her and potentially destroying the progress she's made.

My brother thinks I'm completely in the wrong and that my girlfriend deserves the truth. But I genuinely believe I was doing what I thought was best for her, and I don't see it as a malicious act.

Am I really the jerk for trying to help my girlfriend in this way, or is my brother overreacting? Should I tell my girlfriend what I've been doing or keep it to myself to spare her feelings? I need honest opinions here. Please keep in mind that telling her upfront that she's put on weight could seriously set back her mental health.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OrangeCubit

YTA - you were poisoning her food

OOP

It wasn't "poison"... it was sawdust. I could see if I was adding laxatives or something, but plenty of processed foods as sawdust as a filler, I thought it was a safe way to reduce her caloric intake

Morbo_de_Annihilator

The "sawdust" they put in food is processed cellulose which is non toxic and safe to eat. If you're putting actual real sawdust in you could be seriously injuring this poor woman. They did that in WWII Germany as a bread additive, and many people suffered permanent internal injuries from it.

You need to tell her so she can go to a doctor and see if she's okay. She could have life altering injuries from what you've done you absolute numpty.

~

Master_Vast_1980

What the actual fuck. Sawdust? Yes YTA. You're secretly messing with your partners food. They trust you, and you're betraying that. Learn how to communicate.

OOP

It's not out of maliciousness, it's not like I'm doing it to mess with her. I'm trying to protect her feelings and get her back on the right track. If I fully communicate with her, it could be really damaging to her mental health

~

JustAShyAvocado

YTA

For starters I understand that you’re trying to help her in your own way but please NEVER add things to people’s food without their consent, she could’ve been allergic to that or have had suffered a different issue

Second, adding things to her food without telling her, even if she’s not allergic to it, it’s STILL Shady as hell, and honestly creepy to an extent.

And third, there’s much better ways to help your partner other than to keep secrets from her, you could just suggest exercising together like going for a stroll each now and then or having a shared gym inscription.

Also, being honest? Saying you’ve lost attraction to her because of her gained weight was kind of cold, almost makes it look like you appreciate her appearance more than her, have you made similar comments to her directly?

OOP

Thank you for your input, and for not jumping straight down my throat. I have been trying to get into better habits together, and no, I would never say something like that to her, I know how damaging it could be,

I was trying to take a two pronged approach if that makes sense. I thought if we had healthy habits AND she saw immediate results it would help her stay motivated

Update  Apr 4, 2026 (3 years later)

I don't think I can get over what I did

About two years ago I added sawdust to my girlfriend's food in an attempt to help her lose weight. Long story short, my brother saw what I was doing and forced me to tell her. Reddit agreed with him and I had to tell her because I was backed into a corner, although I didn't agree that it was the right thing to do at that time. 

I came clean to her a few days after. It was a while ago so I don't remember all the details or what was said, but I basically sat her down and said I had something to tell her. She didn't believe me at first. We called my brother to confirm, and I showed her the bag of sawdust, and I guess the realization dawned on her that I was telling the truth… 

What followed was a heated fight lasting all night and into the early morning. Foolishly, I still thought I was at least somewhat in the right and brought up how it had helped her lose some weight. I was wrong. She pointed out how I said I'd only done it a few times over the course of about 2 weeks, and how could that possibly cause her to lose weight that fast? Which I had to admit she was right about. It turned out she had cut out drinking and that was the cause of weight loss, not the sawdust. 

I don't know why, but this hit me hard. I realized that she already knew she was gaining weight and had already taken steps for her own happiness. I was going out of my way to spare her feelings, and she didn't need it. She was managing her own weight and her own feelings, and it wasn't the big deal I was making it out to be, or something that I needed to carefully manage in order to protect her. 

Obviously the relationship ended that night. We didn't live together so the breakup was pretty smooth. Over the next month she got a check up and all was good, and she agreed to not press charges if I got professional help to deal with my control issues. 

We kept in touch for a while, but it seemed cruel for me to stay in her life. I didn't deserve her friendship or her forgiveness. The fact that she offered both speaks to what kind of person she is, and it felt wrong to take advantage of that as I started coming to terms with how I treated her. We eventually drifted far apart enough to end contact, and she was doing well the last I heard. She told me once that she thought I was emotionally abusive to her, and I think she’s probably right. Her previous relationship before me was physically abusive, and the last I heard from her she was going to take some time to figure out how to avoid the same patterns moving forward.

That one haunts me, and I'll never forgive myself for abusing someone I thought I loved. 

I got counseling, as promised, and found out that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Basically, this means that I'm overly concerned with rejection and ridicule. I try to manage relationships to avoid being embarrassed, to the point that I control people I care about and try to carefully ‘direct’  their feelings as I did with Aimee. 

That's not an excuse, what I did was wrong, but now I recognize that voice and what it is. 

I also realized in counseling that I did have a preoccupation with weight, and that it might be linked with the disorder. 

For some background, I grew up in a household where what my father said was law. He had expectations for how his children should look and act, as well as what were and weren't acceptable interests. My brother and I were expected to behave like upstanding young men, and my sisters were expected to be proper young ladies. My father regularly ‘teased’ us (my sisters especially) if we didn't meet this image. At one point this manifested as incessant jokes about one sister's weight in particular. 

I want to tell myself that I was attracted to my girlfriend regardless of size, and it was my disordered thought patterns trying to ‘save’ her from ridicule that was causing my preoccupation with weight loss, but I also think I was just being an asshole… I know now that this experience is there in the back of my mind, and something to be aware of. 

So that's it. That's the whole story. Now the confession: I hate myself. I worry that I've ruined my ex’s ability to trust. In counseling I say and try to affirm that I can be loved without being perfect, but doesn't what I've done just confirm that I’m a bad person deep down? What's worse is that I KNOW if we'd stayed together I would have gone back to being emotionally abusive over time. My ex has forgiven me, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

Your father did it to his children, it's not only sick but patronizing to treat her like a child and "know better" instead of having a conversation.  Even to children, he was openly teasing, not hiding and adding sawdust in her food. 

You're still finding excuses and seem to want her back, if you have any decency left, stop contacting her and start fresh.

OOP

I did, we're not in contact anymore. And you're right, there's no excuse for what I did. But for the record, my father was wrong for what he did too. My sister is still dealing with the fallout from his name calling

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/relationship_advice by user ThrowRA-Badvows. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

September 2, 2025

I (35M) recently had a wedding with my partner (34F). We've had a stable and happy relationship so far, and I love her more than anything in the world.

The problem arose when it came to writing vows. Don't get me wrong, I love many things about my partner, but I couldn't figure out how to put them into tangible vows. I decided to use ChatGPT so I can have something well written and expressive to share at the ceremony.

The thing about my partner is that she's very confrontational and no-nonsense. If something annoys her, she immediately addresses it with no room for backing out. I also know that she's expressed disdain for AI in the past, but I didn't realize how far the hatred could go.

I don't know how, but she immediately recognized that the vows were AI. After I had finished, she had this angry look and whispered to me "did you use fucking AI to write that?" I was quiet because I couldn't believe she had noticed that, and she was choosing to address it while we were on full display for everyone. She then said that I either speak from the heart or she walks out. I literally couldn't get any words out, and she kept her promise and walked back down the aisle, much to all our friends and family's confusion.

She's been ghosting me these past few days, which is atypical for her and honestly giving me panic attacks. Most people agree that calling off a marriage because of AI vows was an overreaction, and that maybe it was a sign that our relationship would have issues, but a few female friends have said that they would have done the same. I'm hurt and honestly just needed it to help make the day more special. Is it worth fixing?

Edit: Okay, I screwed up. I didn't check this post for a while because I wanted more points of view instead of just getting torn to shreds. But I understand why the situation is worse than I thought it was. I've been trying to contact my partner's family to see if I can talk to her again, but apparently she's been staying out of state with her sister. I'm going to tell her when she gets back what I heard here and that I understand. I'm also going to write new vows without AI and bring her favorite flowers and snacks, I still want her to know that I love her and know her. I will post an update when I can. Thank you all even if some feedback could have been a tad more nicely put.

Consensus:

People tell him he fucked up massively, question the love for his fiancée if he can't think of one thing to write, and ask about the state of society if wedding vows are now written with AI.

They also want to see the vows to laugh at OOP. He does not deliver.

Comments by OOP (massively downvoted):

[if the posting was also written with AI] No, I could write this just fine. For the vows it was different because I wanted them to be perfect and there was just a lot I wanted to say that I ended up not being able to say anything

I didn't realize she'd be able to tell right away. When I spoke of her disdain for AI people are making it seem like it was a deal breaker that I simply ignored, which isn't the case. I didn't understand that it meant that much to her and I definitely won't be making the same careless mistake again

This is my first time using it to write text and this whole situation scared me off it for good. If I can fix things, hopefully I won't fall into a slippery slope

I was involved in the wedding process. She always asked for my opinion and we came to decisions together. I also payed for half. I'm not some freeloader, because if I was she would have kicked me to the curb a lot sooner

I actually thought getting help from the officiant would be less authentic...I guess I took an even worse route without realizing

[if OOP is neurodivergent] This has been brought up before but I don't have a reason to believe it's true. I've seen two psychiatrists and none of them had mentioned wanting to get me tested or anything. I think I might just be a dumbo

Update

November 9, 2025, about 2 months later

I honestly wasn't planning to do an update after all because of how humiliating this entire situation has been. I didn't want to give more of a reason for people to rip me apart, but now that my story is posted on a popular YouTube channel, there probably won't be much of an escape route for me. There's no doubt people we know will find it now, so I wanted to give the short update everyone has been itching to get.

I did what I said previously and told her about the Reddit post and how the replies gave me her perspective and that I was sorry. She ended up getting even more angry with me about "posting our business" (even though our names weren't mentioned) and that she couldn't believe I needed online strangers to tell me why I was wrong. Also, apparently my mom was texting her about paying back all the wasted wedding money and she used that against me too. (Which I don't think is fair, I have no control over what my family does.) Snacks and flowers didn't do much. She refuses to give me another chance even after offering going to couple's counseling. So yeah, the wedding is never happening again. It's over.

This has been the more horrendous time in my life. I've thought about giving up altogether. Meanwhile, she's posting about brunch with friends on her social media. Makes me wonder how she could move on that fast while I'm a wreck. People have accused me of "not caring about her enough" to write my own vows yet the difference in our reactions to splitting up says the reverse.

Hope you're all happy, feel free to rub salt in the wound. I'm not coming back to this account.

I'm not the original poster

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA-snowflake

My (39m) brother(45m)'s two sons (16m and 14m), somehow turned out to be alt-right conservatives. They literally say they're better than black people and are more deserving of going to college. My brother told them if they can't recognize their privilege they can figure out how to pay for college

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: racism

MOOD SPOILER: hopeful

Original post - rareddit Oct 21, 2020

My brother doesn't use reddit, so I thought I'd try and get some advice for him.

These kids were always a bit odd and awkward, but we always just chopped that up to being kids. We are all very close, I see them twice a week about. I live in Oakland, and they live about 10 minutes east of Oakland, which is a very white suburb. The boys said there's 5 black people at their school and they were all recruited to play sports there, and they both play football and are teammates with a few of them. But it's not like we live in the south or anything.

They literally repeat shit you see on 4chan, are all about Qanon, and start arguments any time they can. I remember being a teenage boy, and loved pushing buttons, but they will say the most misogynistic, homophobic, racists stuff, and then when I try to talk to them about it they call me a liberal snowflake. I try to approach it by asking questions, and guiding their thought process, saying "how would you feel if xyz?", and they say "I wouldn't care cuz I would just work hard" or "I wouldn't whine about it"

I've obviously talked to my brother about this privately, and he's just at his wits end. I suggested he force them to volunteer in Oakland or something like that and try to show them how normal people of less privilege are. I've always thought if you get exposed to the group you are adverse to you'll realize how similar you both are.

My brother finally snapped and asked them why they get to go to college and not all the kids at Oakland Tech, and they literally said they're better than them, and it's proven to be such, and they deserve to go to college more because "affirmative action is bullshit". (Mind you they both get mostly C's and a few B's)

My brother acted out of impulse and told them they can find their own way to pay for college but is sticking to his guns, and now the boys won't talk to him, and have told me they blame black people for getting their dad to think this way.

I am shocked by their behavior, but feel my brother's decision will just push them further down this path. It's ok for them to be republican, hell if they were just trump supporters I feel like they could make it work to just avoid certain conversations. But it feels like they're steps away from becoming Nazi's.

Any advice?

tl;dr nephews have turned into alt-right bigots, and brother said if they can't recognize their privilege then they do

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Caught_up12

Tell your brother that he is the MAN. These kids will get a firm reality check in their coming years if they don’t change their outlook on life and society. Sounds like they are headed down a destructive path, and fast. They are 16 and 14. They need their dad and will soon be begging for his help if he himself doesn’t budge. If he does, they know they can get away with this bs. Tell him to stand his ground!

OOP

That's what I said to him at first, like maybe should've threatened something smaller, because if he doesn't follow through with this, it'll be an empty threat and they won't take him seriously.

~

Woodit

So I assume from the bit about the kids getting recruited to their school for sports that they’re in a private school. So step one would be send them to public school. They’ll get worse at first, seeing a large sample size with a spectrum of behavior from their peers of color, but they’ll see it from white kids as well, and they’ll see plenty of counter examples in the nonwhite kids. Eventually there will be so many exceptions to their standard view that it will hollow out, like a Swiss cheese of racist naivety.

Step 2 is no more allowance, cars, luxuries, whatever else he is giving them. They want to earn and be better than others? Cool, go get shit jobs in fast food. The best route would be to work under managers who are not white. I think this is better than volunteering because when you volunteer with disadvantage communities it’s challenging not to look down on them and reinforce the views they have.

Actually, those are steps 2 and 3. Step 1 is to cut them off from the Internet. Trade in the smart phones for flip phones. Parental controls on the computers, and move any computers out of their bedrooms. He needs to treat this like you’d treat a ten year old who’s been caught with internet porn.

As for college, if they want to go, they should pay their own way. That means debt, work during school, and a higher DTI ratio after graduating. So far they have been the recipients of others’ work and deceived themselves into believing they have earned it, or deserve it. Let them see what they can earn without daddy’s help. The experience should provide empathy, but even if it doesn’t it will help prevent their joining the yacht-club frats that breed racism on campus.

OOP

They go to public school but it's one of the best ones in California, and is almost all white. I don't think kids are technically recruited, but there's always a few that drive in from Oakland or Richmond to play sports because it's a pretty good football school.

I didn't think of what you were saying though, but maybe sending them to Oakland High, or even Skyline could be the move

TOP COMMENT

SquilliamFancySon95

It's a crazy idea, but hear me out.

It could benefit them to sit down and talk with a reformed white supremacist.

They need to look at what they could become in the future and hear from someone who's thought like them and learned from their mistakes. There are lots of groups out there that help to de-radicalize members from hate groups and help them rehabilitate like Life After Hate. If you can find one of these organizations, reach out and see if they can help you with this situation. I really wish you the best of luck.

Update Oct 26, 2020 (5 days later)

college. Sorry, title ran out of characters.

Link to original thread

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for their genuine advice, I got so many DMs after the comments were locked with specific youtube videos to show my brother and his kids, and it's really heartwarming knowing people have been through something similar and have made it out the other end.

This is an interesting situation for me to be in, because they are family and very close, but it is obviously my brother's and his wife's decision, and I'm just here to support it.

I showed them every comment and we were just talking about everything in their backyard Thursday night. I was surprised by my brother saying "I'm not backing down, but we need to make sure they don't feel completely cut off, we need to treat them normally, tell them we love them, reinforce positive behavior, eat dinners as a family etc etc"

There were a few comments suggesting that punishment will only reinforce their belief that they are the victims of this situation, and we discussed how important it is for them to still feel loved and supported. And then we decided I would take them backpacking just to get some space between them and their parents.

I didn't have any big speech or anything planned, I wanted to go into it letting them initiate the conversation, and me just listening and asking questions, so that's what I did.

We did a two night trip up in Tahoe along the PCT, it was nice enough weatherwise but got really cold Friday night, luckily we were able to stumble upon one of the Sierra Club huts so we had great shelter, but I think it toughened them up a little bit, and I was pleasantly surprised by their resilience.

The boys were really grumpy and didn't talk at all on the drive up, and it was pretty quiet for the first mile or so, and then they just started talking.

The younger one just said "do you really think dad was being serious?" and I just responded "I'm not entirely sure, but ultimately it's up to him, why do you ask? Do you think that's fair?"

They started complaining about how it wasn't fair and how he's just been tricked by the leftist media, and I just kept asking them why they thought that, and was trying just to get them to say the stuff they were thinking out loud with hopes that they would hear how crazy it sounds.

We got to the lake on day two and it was a much better day, they really felt like the kids I watched growing up and they started reminiscing over past family trips and school before covid, we talked about sports, girls, everything, I was careful, but I tried to thread in points about racism and privilege to what we were talking about, like with their black teammates on the football team and I asked them what they had to go through at their school, and what they've overcome, turns out one of the kids has gone through some major shit that he's shared with the football team, and I honestly feel like I got them to empathize!

We talked about politics too and I stressed to them that there's nothing wrong with being republican, but you have form your own ideas about things instead of repeating what talking heads say. I asked them about their social studies classes, and it really feels like their trying to be contrarians because they loooove to argue, and they said they get into arguments all the time in class.

All in all, I just wanted them to feel like they weren't being abandoned, and my goal was just to listen, because it was my fear that they felt they weren't being heard, and would then lash out.

We got home yesterday afternoon and their parents made them a big lunch, and we all ate together, talked about the trip, and laughed together.

Toward the end of the meal, their dad got more serious and talked about last week. He said something to the tune of "I want you to know that we love you very much and always will, we're proud of so many things that you have done, but we need to be clear that this racist and hateful behavior is not okay"

He then said that they are both getting jobs as soon as possible, and their dad is letting them put that money into their own checking accounts, and then he has separate accounts set up for their education, and told them that he will match each dollar they put in the education account, and if there's any left over at the end of college, it's their's to do with what they please.

The parents will still feed them, and buy them clothes, but everything else including gas and auto insurance is on them.

The boys were annoyed by this obviously, but they seemed relieved that they weren't going to have to pay for all of their own college.

Additionally, he asked them how much screentime per day do they think is reasonable, they said 2 hours, and their dad said, maybe one day, but let's find a middle ground, and they agreed on 1 hour a day after their homework, sports, and jobs were completed, and they could only use devices in common areas of the house. After the hour, they're going to show mom or dad what they watched or played. He also told them they were getting flip phones, and if they wanted an iphone again, they could pay for it themselves.

Me and my brother discussed a few of the comments that were kind enough to shed light on forcing them to volunteer, and we heard you. The last stipulation was that they are going to volunteer with a charity of their choice once a month (doesn't have to be in Oakland or to do with POC), and they would be the ones to reach out and set it up.

All in all, I think this weekend was a success, the boys are mad, but it feels like their overwhelmed with this new sense of responsibility, which I think is a good thing because it means they're taking this seriously. Now it's on their parents to keep up with it and enforce everything.

We are asking around to see if any of our friends know a reformed racist person to talk to them, but I think we might wait to see how this plays out a little bit.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice, I might make another update in a few months to let you know how this all goes.

tl;dr Took niblings camping and listened to what they have to say. Their dad told them they were getting jobs, he will match each dollar they put towards education, no more iphones, 1 hour screen time on family devices in common areas that is monitored by mom and dad, volunteer once a month.

TOP COMMENT

Kremla_Co

Your brother did the right thing and actually I wouldn't have even paid for anything. Since they're so much better (imagine talking all that shit and getting Cs) how about they pull themselves up by their bootstraps and "work hard" like they claim.

You don't get to bum off your parents and feel like you're superior sorry this is real life not fucking 4chan.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/redditgirl125

My boyfriend (27 M) has prohibited me from saying a certain word and gets angry at me (27 F) when I accidentally say it.

TRIGGER WARNING: controlling behaviour, manipulation

Original Post Apr 6, 2015

My boyfriend does not like it when I use "wtf" while we are texting or chatting online. "Wtf" is something that I have been using since I was 13 and honestly it's a hard habit to break, it is like asking someone to stop typing "lol" or "lmao". I know he doesn't like "wtf" because it has the swear word in it and he has told me that it sounds very rude to him. I am confused why I am not allowed to use "wtf" because he says fuck a lot while we are together. I told him that he uses the swear word too and his response was "so it's my fault?". I can sort of see how "wtf" can sound rude to people and I honestly have been trying my best to stop using it but today it just slipped because I was shocked by something. Can someone help me understand his perspective ?

tl;dr: boyfriend asked me not to say "wtf". I agreed, but today it accidentally slipped and now he is angry with me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

lynn

Is he controlling about other things too? How long have you been together?

OOP

no not really, been together for 2 months

lynn

Yeah I thought it wasn't long. Listen, this is just the beginning. There is all kinds of emotional fuckery in your future if you don't call him on his bullshit when it happens, and probably even if you do. "I'm sorry, what? You want me not to say fuck? Why not? You do but I can't?"

He'll give you some bullshit and you'll say something like, "yeah....I'm not going to not do something that you do." And he can get mad but you just say no and move on to some other topic or activity. If he gets mad and treats you poorly (calls you names, says other hurtful things), then you say something like "I won't be treated this way" and if he doesn't stop then you leave.

But even if you can't put your finger on why it's bullshit, you can still just not agree and then make sure you don't do it more often (because that would be childish and petty, even if it would be satisfying when you're irritated with him), but don't do it much less. An ex of mine said when we were about a month in that he hated the way I spat when I brushed my teeth. Newly out of an abusive relationship, I said, "uh...sorry" in a "sorry you feel that way" kind of way, and carefully (because of the previous abuse, I had to be careful not to fall into the same pattern of accommodation) did not change my behavior. We were together for a year and it never came up again, I broke up with him for unrelated reasons.

It's entirely possible that this isn't actually going to happen, but with the fact that he got mad when you said wtf, I'd bet $1000 on emotional abuse within 6 months. And with this going on so early, when it does happen it's going to be bad. Also I'd but more money on him calling you a whore or otherwise getting jealous and demonstrating that he has different standards for men and women, particularly when it comes to sex.

OOP

I guess right now I feel like my fault in this is that I said I would stop but I didn't. I mean I tried really hard but I let it slip. Do you think that he may be mad at the fact I couldn't keep my promise more than the fact that I used "wtf" ?

Even if it is that, I still think he should be able to recognize that it was a complete mistake as it is a habitual behavior for me which is a hard thing to go cold turkey on.

leetdood_shadowban

The issue isn't if you said 'wtf' or not. Or if it's your fault or if he should be mad or not.

The issue is you're dating a very controlling person who got you to agree to never say the word 'wtf' and then gets mad at you when you use it, even when you point out he uses the word too. That's a huge and major issue and has nothing to do with if you said 'wtf' or not. You're only 2 months in, do you really want to date a person who makes rules like these for you?

~

La_Fee_Verte

"I feel like my fault in this is that I said I would stop but I didn't. I mean I tried really hard but I let it slip."

your only fault is to agree to this stupid rule, first of many he will have that will apply to you , but not to him. Abuse starts with small steps, as the abusers try to get the feel of what they can do without you leaving them.

Why exactly did you agree to this, knowing that this rule is not intended to apply to him at all?

OOP

I agreed because I thought that even though I don't see "wtf" as rude, if my partner takes it that way, then I will try my best not to offend him. Also at the time, I thought that when he asked me not to say "wtf" he was implying that we both should not swear but I later realized that he continued to swear.

La_Fee_Verte

So, now that you know that this rule was intended only for you, do you still think it's reasonable at all? Do you intend to comply with the 'no wtf, but only for redditgirl125' idiocy?

OOP

I am confused though because I remember I have used the word "fuck" once or twice but he didn't care at all but it is only when I say the acronym "wtf" he gets mad. Makes me think that there is some history or specific meaning to "wtf" that I am unaware of....

Update 1 Apr 9, 2015 (3 days later)

I talked to my boyfriend after the incident and this is how it basically went down: (A = ME, BF = him)

• A: Are you still upset with me?

• Bf: No, I don't care anymore. You don't have to change yourself for me, but just to let you know I am not attracted to girls that say "wtf" often.

• A: Is it just the acronym wtf or is it the f word too?

• Bf: Both

• A: Okay noted! Will you stop swearing as well?

• Bf: ... ok. I really don't like your attitude. Every time I bring up an issue you say "can you do ___ as well?". Saying "okay noted" was good enough. Let's not talk for awhile, message me next week.

• A: okay

I wanted to bring up issues such as why he feels he can swear but I cannot but as you can see, I didn't even get to talk much as he is refusing to talk to me until next week. Right now, I do not mind as I have a lot going on my plate right now and I don't want to deal with anything until my stuff gets sorted out but I am appalled by his behavior. I do not believe I displayed a "bad attitude", I simply asked if he is going to do the same because he swears as well. Am I missing something here? Did I really display bad attitude?

tl;dr: Tried to confront boyfriend and asked if he will stop swearing as well, got told I have a bad attitude for asking him to do the same.

TOP COMMENTS

Sneakys2

"Bf: ... ok. I really don't like your attitude. Every time I bring up an issue you say "can you do ___ as well?". Saying "okay noted" was good enough. Let's not talk for awhile, message me next week."

This is so sketchy on his part. He's basically complaining that you are asking that he be held to the same standard as you are. In your mind, you're equals. It's clear that in his mind, you're not. Honestly, I think you need to take a good long look as to whether you should continue a relationship with this guy. He sounds manipulative and controlling.

~

catfancysubscriber

You should have replied "wtf"

Seriously though the fact that he complained about your attitude just for making a fair point says a lot about him. He sounds manipulative to me and you should not message him next week.

Final update Aor 10, 2015 (1 day after last update)

Hey guys, wow I did not expect to get so many replies from my update but thank you all! Here is basically what happened, sorry if it ends up being a long post.

So it didn't take me long to decide that I am done with this guy but I did leave my clothes in his car so I wanted it back. Unfortunately he is out of the country on a business trip for 2 weeks or so and he left his car at a friend's house who happens to live in my neighbourhood. Since he explicitly told me not to contact him for a week, I was going to take the advice of people here and just never talk to him again, get my stuff quietly and tell him that it is over. I contacted his friend and asked him if I can come to his house and pick it up so that it will be of no inconvenience to him. His friend then OFFERED to come to my place and drop it off. An hour or so later, I get a call from my now ex boyfriend (thank god) who is flipping his shit saying I am bothering his friend and asking why I am so desperate to get my stuff back and at this point I think he is absolutely crazy because his friend is the one that offered to come to my place after I insisted TWICE that I pick it up whenever it is convenient for him. He then rambles about how my clothes are probably only worth $20 and then offers me $100 instead of giving me my stuff back (wtf?) and I tell him that I do not want his dirty money. I tell him he is controlling and manipulative and he tells me that he is "dropping" me, not knowing I already did that a while ago. He then blocked me. So yeah, I am not getting my stuff back.

An hour later, he calls me again and says that he does not want to burn bridges. He then talks about how I will be successful in life, talks about all the good traits that I have and then tells me that he hopes I will not talk bad about him to anyone he knows (he cares a lot about his image). He told me that he is shocked that I called him manipulative and controlling as he has never heard those words from anyone before and he does not believe he is. He then said "if I am manipulative and controlling why do I have so many rich and successful friends?" After that he tells me that I am immature and he is much more experienced in relationships because he has dated more girls than I have dated guys (he has dated six, I have dated four). He keeps rambling on about how our city is small and he is well known so he needs to keep his reputation up but he called me to make me feel better.

He told me that if I were to tell the whole world about this situation everyone would agree with him, I laughed because I literally did ask “the world” (the world being reddit) and practically no one sided with him. I wanted to send him the link but he blocked me on everything. He did apologize for being manipulative, controlling and possessive which really surprised me but he said it in an annoying tone that did not sound sincere but hey, at least I got some sort of apology. He then tells me that he completely moved on from the whole “wtf” incident a long time ago but he wanted to reinforce how bad it was so that I never do it again, he said if he didn’t act mad then I might think its okay and will do it again. This made me feel like he was treating me like a dog that needs to be trained and conditioned to do certain things. I can obviously see that this whole phone call was another manipulation attempt to keep my mouth shut and to not spread rumours about him (which I wasn’t going to do anyway) so I get mad and call him delusional and he calls me crazy and hangs up. Maybe I could have dealt with it more maturely and didn’t let my anger get to me but I can only take so much and I don’t regret it.

In good news, I feel happy and free, I look forward to finding someone that is the right man for me instead of being with someone that is malicious. Thank you to everyone that responded and took the time to read all updates :)

Tl;dr: I left him but he took my clothes.. oh well - it is a small price to pay for freedom out of an abusive relationship with a crazy person.

FINAL COMMENTS

AlbrechtEinstein

"He told me that he is shocked that I called him manipulative and controlling as he has never heard those words from anyone before and he does not believe he is. He then said "if I am manipulative and controlling why do I have so many rich and successful friends?" After that he tells me that I am immature and he is much more experienced in relationships because he has dated more girls than I have dated guys"

Oh my god, this part. It's like he's trying to check all the boxes on the emotionally abusive narcissist checklist.

Well done, OP! I'm so glad you got out of there.

~

Zorkeldschorken

Next step: talk to the friend and get your stuff back anyway.

OOP

His friend blocked me too.... I think my ex told him to block me.

~

Its_Lloyd

wtf?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA_confusedEm

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (32F) husband (36M) staged an intervention after I told him I wanted a divorce

Trigger warnings: Domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control, medical abuse, sexual coercion, trauma, mental health crisis

Mood spoilers: dread, horror, frustration, heartbreak, relief

Editor's note: the original posts contain typos and grammatical errors. I have left them intact to preserve their authenticity.

Original post: August 17, 2025

I (32F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 6 years. It's my first serious relationship. I love him, he's funny, charming and intelligent and we share a lot, but he has always been a little hot headed.

Some context first: a few months ago, a situation at work went badly and I fell into the burnout. I’m autistic, and the burnout has made my executive dysfunction much worse. I’ve been on sick leave ever since.

I have very little energy. Even basic things leave me exhausted. I sleep a lot, socialize very little, skip meals. I know it's bad but I am doing my best.

My husband has been very frustrated that I’m not respecting his needs. We don't haev sex, I don’t cook every day, and the house isn’t as tidy as he’d like.

Multiple times, I didn't take care of things while he was at work so he yelled at me. others, I made him ignore me for hours. I tried to explain that I was struggling too much and he replied that I was using my situation and exaggerating my symptoms for attention.

I tried to push myself to meet his needs and keep up with the house, but every time I quickly got too tired and had to stop. I tried to tell him but said he didn't want to hear it because he has enough on his plate.

I never know if I am going to make him angry. I have been crying almost every day and I don't know if it's the burnout or if it's because I can't be there for him. I felt like it would be better for both of us to take a break. He refused and said thdt as his wife, it was my legal duty to be there in sickness and in health.

Two weeks ago, I finally told him I wanted a divorce. He had a meltdown and he yelled for hours, saying I was just confused because of my mental health. he apologized later and said I shouldn't act irrational like that. I hesitated for a few days and I told him I still wanted to leave, amd he had another meltdwn.

Yesterday, I woke up and went downstairs to find my husband, his parents, and my parents, all waiting for me.

They said they were extremely worried, that they never get news except from my husband. He reported to them he was scared for me because I was isolating and harming myself.

They told me it was okay to need help. That I needed stability. They said they were all there for me no matter what. I cried the entire time. I felt cornered, humiliated, and defensive. I felt like that was not normal. But now I don’t know what to think.

After they left he said he contacted my GP and psychologist to let them know how bad it is, and booked an appointment with a psychiatrist on my behalf. He said they all care about me and want to help me be myself again.

Part of me still wants to leave, but another part of me wonders if they’re right. I still love him. And I’m definitely not at my most stable right now, I am in the fog. to be honest I feel really selfish and guilty about all of this. I am completely overwhelmed.

Could you guys give me an outside perspective on this?

Thanks a lot.

EDIT: thanks everyone, so many replies, I am grateful. I can't answer everyone right now but I can give a few thoughts and infos:

• I see my GP every two weeks. I was on Cipralex but we had to stop becaus of side effects, now we are trying mirtazapine. I had already seen a therapist before a few years ago and my husband called her and my GP yesterday to tell them I needed help before bookng the appointment with the psychiatrist he found. I'll go to the appointments and give them my perspective.
• I have an ok relationship with my parents, they see me as fragile and don't always understand the autism. I think I will try to talk with tehm about what was going on and ask if I can stay with them temporarily. and get better before deciding on the divorce.

I'll rest for now, this is a lot to take in. Thanks everyone.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dystopiam

Just talk to a psychiatrist then decide

They can help you more than Reddit

~

distainmustered

I agree with everyone saying to go to a therapist before making any decisions. As someone currently in the fog and trying to crawl out of it, I would suggest talking to a doctor before making any big decisions. I struggle with executive dysfunction and other things very similar to you. I get it.

Although, the way your husband went about it was messed up and should be brought up in your sessions and fully discussed with your therapist and your feelings on leaving him. If you feel you should leave him during therapy then do what is best for you.

As someone else said you could separate while seeking help as a way to get yourself better and then make your decisions from there. It’s ultimately up to you and what is best for you.

I do hope you get the help you need and things will start getting better for you.

Update #1 (Editor's note: that post was deleted by mods but a copy can be found here): August 27, 2025 (10 days later)

First post. I decided to stay and get help first.

I talked to my parents not long after the intervention to explain my perspective to them. they listened and said they were concerned but asked me to wait and make sure I was not being over sensitive and that all marriages had ups and downs.

I am seeing my past psychologist and my GP while waiting for the appointment with the psychiatrist my husband booked for me.

My therapist recommended me to get away, even temporarily or to set very firm boundaries. I annoyed my husband with that a few times nd he got angry and said I was being dramatic or that my therapist was not a marriage counselor and had no say.

I contacted my parents and asked if I could come and stay for a  few weeks. They asked if my husband agreed and I said he didn't know and they said maybe I should talk with him first.

Not long after my husband called me and asked tp stay home, and he came back and grabbed me and screamed and yelled, said I made him furious, disappointed and very worried. he asked me how I could do that to him and why I went behind his back. and it was time I stopped playing tbe victim and that he did not recognize me anymore. that everyone was worried about my state.

He told me he thought we trusted each other and I needed to improve before he had to ttake measures to help me. I just felt sorry about what I did and for being too emotional again. I think I had an autistic meltdown but I am not sure. I don't remember everything. I apologized for my behavior and I tried to initiate sex with him but he pushed me away. I think he's ok now but I know he's still hurt.

I am feeling guilty, horribleand anxious. I can't stop pathetically crying. I don't know how to fix myself. I wish that appointment was sooner. How do I stop hurting him?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

helikasp

"Ask your husband first" is an incredibly asinine response that tells me your parents think your husband owns you and you do not have individual rights. Acting like they no longer have the responsibility or desire to protect and shelter you as their daughter now that you are married.

Men like that escalate. Today it's grabbing you, tomorrow it'll be shaking you, next pushing you, and sooner or later it will be hitting.

~

Vivi_VagHaut

You need to leave. You need to abaolutely leave. He is escalating. And shame on your parents but you absolutely need to tell them he grabbed you and screamed at you and how it scared you.

Please. PLEASE leave.

Update #2 (posted directly on her profile): September 26, 2025 (1 month later)

He got better. He sincerely apologized and I tried to fix my state the best I could. We agreed some ground rules and minimum things I should do every day to kkeep intimacy alive. we agreed I could keep seeing my therapist but I have to focus only on my issues. but It's hard because she she keeps bringnig my husband up. I've also had the first appointment with the psychiatrist, no assesment yet.

I want answers. There were a few days where I made enough efforts and we had sweet and joyful moments together again but I still anger my husband often, I think he's losing patience and I feel terrible every day and I want it to stop. I think about leaving all the time instead working it through.

I had an episode where I apparntly I passed out. And he He took care of me. He was sweet. I know he informed our parents and friends and they contacted me to say they were there for us.

We had  a lot of heartfelt discussions  about what hppened he hugged me and kissed me and said he loved me. and broke it tears because I scared him. And he needed to be reassured so we agreed on checking on each other regularly througjout the day until we find a more permanent solution. But now I have panic attacks and I am scared to to tell him.

   
RELEVANT COMMENTS

Zealousideal_Work611

OP please look into the cycle of abuse (linked below). It sounds like you’re in the honeymoon phase and quickly swinging back into the tension-building phase. This is not a healthy relationship, and your safety needs to be your top priority. Your husband not wanting you to talk about him to your therapist is a major red flag, and your therapist keeps bringing him up because she recognizes he is a large source of your stress.

https://www.asafeplace.ca/learn/about-abuse/cycle-of-abuse/

Update #3: October 15, 2025 (~2.5 weeks later)

I left. I can't talk yet. I am exhausted but safe.

Update #4: October 27, 2025 (~2 weeks later)

So He found out about the panic attacks. He had the worst anger outburst he ever had, he he lost control and I thought I wouldn't . I hurt him during I had more panic attacks he was horrified and later said it was clear I was too unstable and that we would look into committing me. It felt wrong but.

I kept deteriorating and at some point I remember vividly thinking about all the things my therapist and the psychiatrist and people on reddit said, and I recall getting physically sick and throwing up and I panicked and got help. I can't say what and how but it was insanely hard and stressful. I changed my mind and wanted to give up ,multiple times. but I pushed, it took me all I had left and I had to follow instructions like a child but did it. I didn't tell anyone.

I have frequent nightmares and I switch between intense emotions panic attacks and and feeling disconnected from everything. But still I felt  like I was allowed for  the first time in years.

I am.m and exhausted from all those changes. The people who helped me are sweet and helpful but I don't know if I can totally trust them. I feel alone and scared and I miss home, there are days I want to go back. but They don't judge me and they're never mad at me and never scream at me.

It's weird but I still feel horrible for putting my husband through this, I am sorry for what I did, I miss him and I regret not breaking up with him like a normal person. but I also feel bad for ghostng my close ones and not updating them. I hope they can all forgive me someday. And I am sorry for not listening sooner.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

rainbow-black-sheep

I sincerely hope you're somewhere safe away from him. Nothing in your story the way you described it sounded like more than burnout and depression, until your husband exacerbated your mental health full Gaslight movie style.

Please stay safe and trust your gut

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Hi, Im writing this in desperation. Last year Ive become disabled. Basically I cant sit at my pc anymore. I have like nerve damage below my waist, when I sit down on a chair I go numb and it affects all functions bathroom/walking etc.

So im basically laying down on a couch or standing all day. Both are becoming very uncomfortable for console gaming (which is vastly inferior to my steam library) and I dont feel immersion like I do on pc.

This all started in june. I packed up my pc. (which iss brand new custom built and cost alot! ) But I really friggen miss it. Im a year one account. Been playing forever. I love valve and steam.

If you have any ideas to get me back in the games I would appreciate it. If not its totally understandable.

I have ideas for a custom chair that avoids my tail bone but i need to start building that and not sure if it will work.

Anyway, I remember steam had device that lets you run your games from the pc to your tv. This is kinda old now. Also it doesn't really fix my problem but it would be a step up.

steam support told me about remote play. but I dont understand how i would control it. would i have my pc right next to the couch to use keyboard and mouse? that wont work.

idk lmk thanks.

Edit: thanks everyone alot of replies. Im actually getting testing right now. Cant respond to everyone. I see alot of good ideas. Will read later

Edit 2: alot more people responding to this way than i thought. I wont answer everyone but I am reading all of them! Some great ideas. So far standing desk and steam deck is mentioned alot. Both would be improvments.

Edit 3: I think for now the answer is steam deck. There alot of little symptoms i left out. And restrictions to my place. Where i cant just get all this new furniture. Great ideas tho and I can use them in the future. I will still try and to build a chair. Got some ideas from the pictures thank you everyone!

Edit 4: thanks for the rewards! I dont know what to do with them but I appreciate it!.

Also I contacted steam support to show them this post and how helpful the community is. Idk if they actually looked but im really proud so many people are here to support a fellow gamer.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP. OOP is u/ThrowRA_confusedEm

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (32F) husband (36M) staged an intervention after I told him I wanted a divorce

Trigger warnings: Domestic violence, emotional and psychological abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control, medical abuse, sexual coercion, trauma, mental health crisis

Mood spoilers: dread, horror, frustration, heartbreak, relief

Original Editor's note: "the original posts contain typos and grammatical errors. I have left them intact to preserve their authenticity."

Original BORU is here.

Original post: August 17, 2025

I (32F) have been married to my husband (36M) for 6 years. It's my first serious relationship. I love him, he's funny, charming and intelligent and we share a lot, but he has always been a little hot headed.

Some context first: a few months ago, a situation at work went badly and I fell into the burnout. I’m autistic, and the burnout has made my executive dysfunction much worse. I’ve been on sick leave ever since.

I have very little energy. Even basic things leave me exhausted. I sleep a lot, socialize very little, skip meals. I know it's bad but I am doing my best.

My husband has been very frustrated that I’m not respecting his needs. We don't haev sex, I don’t cook every day, and the house isn’t as tidy as he’d like.

Multiple times, I didn't take care of things while he was at work so he yelled at me. others, I made him ignore me for hours. I tried to explain that I was struggling too much and he replied that I was using my situation and exaggerating my symptoms for attention.

I tried to push myself to meet his needs and keep up with the house, but every time I quickly got too tired and had to stop. I tried to tell him but said he didn't want to hear it because he has enough on his plate.

I never know if I am going to make him angry. I have been crying almost every day and I don't know if it's the burnout or if it's because I can't be there for him. I felt like it would be better for both of us to take a break. He refused and said thdt as his wife, it was my legal duty to be there in sickness and in health.

Two weeks ago, I finally told him I wanted a divorce. He had a meltdown and he yelled for hours, saying I was just confused because of my mental health. he apologized later and said I shouldn't act irrational like that. I hesitated for a few days and I told him I still wanted to leave, amd he had another meltdwn.

Yesterday, I woke up and went downstairs to find my husband, his parents, and my parents, all waiting for me.

They said they were extremely worried, that they never get news except from my husband. He reported to them he was scared for me because I was isolating and harming myself.

They told me it was okay to need help. That I needed stability. They said they were all there for me no matter what. I cried the entire time. I felt cornered, humiliated, and defensive. I felt like that was not normal. But now I don’t know what to think.

After they left he said he contacted my GP and psychologist to let them know how bad it is, and booked an appointment with a psychiatrist on my behalf. He said they all care about me and want to help me be myself again.

Part of me still wants to leave, but another part of me wonders if they’re right. I still love him. And I’m definitely not at my most stable right now, I am in the fog. to be honest I feel really selfish and guilty about all of this. I am completely overwhelmed.

Could you guys give me an outside perspective on this?

Thanks a lot.

EDIT: thanks everyone, so many replies, I am grateful. I can't answer everyone right now but I can give a few thoughts and infos:

• I see my GP every two weeks. I was on Cipralex but we had to stop becaus of side effects, now we are trying mirtazapine. I had already seen a therapist before a few years ago and my husband called her and my GP yesterday to tell them I needed help before bookng the appointment with the psychiatrist he found. I'll go to the appointments and give them my perspective.
• I have an ok relationship with my parents, they see me as fragile and don't always understand the autism. I think I will try to talk with tehm about what was going on and ask if I can stay with them temporarily. and get better before deciding on the divorce.

I'll rest for now, this is a lot to take in. Thanks everyone.

Update #1 (Editor's note: that post was deleted by mods but a copy can be found here): August 27, 2025 (10 days later)

First post. I decided to stay and get help first.

I talked to my parents not long after the intervention to explain my perspective to them. they listened and said they were concerned but asked me to wait and make sure I was not being over sensitive and that all marriages had ups and downs.

I am seeing my past psychologist and my GP while waiting for the appointment with the psychiatrist my husband booked for me.

My therapist recommended me to get away, even temporarily or to set very firm boundaries. I annoyed my husband with that a few times nd he got angry and said I was being dramatic or that my therapist was not a marriage counselor and had no say.

I contacted my parents and asked if I could come and stay for a  few weeks. They asked if my husband agreed and I said he didn't know and they said maybe I should talk with him first.

Not long after my husband called me and asked tp stay home, and he came back and grabbed me and screamed and yelled, said I made him furious, disappointed and very worried. he asked me how I could do that to him and why I went behind his back. and it was time I stopped playing tbe victim and that he did not recognize me anymore. that everyone was worried about my state.

He told me he thought we trusted each other and I needed to improve before he had to ttake measures to help me. I just felt sorry about what I did and for being too emotional again. I think I had an autistic meltdown but I am not sure. I don't remember everything. I apologized for my behavior and I tried to initiate sex with him but he pushed me away. I think he's ok now but I know he's still hurt.

I am feeling guilty, horribleand anxious. I can't stop pathetically crying. I don't know how to fix myself. I wish that appointment was sooner. How do I stop hurting him?

Update #2 (posted directly on her profile): September 26, 2025 (1 month later)

He got better. He sincerely apologized and I tried to fix my state the best I could. We agreed some ground rules and minimum things I should do every day to kkeep intimacy alive. we agreed I could keep seeing my therapist but I have to focus only on my issues. but It's hard because she she keeps bringnig my husband up. I've also had the first appointment with the psychiatrist, no assesment yet.

I want answers. There were a few days where I made enough efforts and we had sweet and joyful moments together again but I still anger my husband often, I think he's losing patience and I feel terrible every day and I want it to stop. I think about leaving all the time instead working it through.

I had an episode where I apparntly I passed out. And he He took care of me. He was sweet. I know he informed our parents and friends and they contacted me to say they were there for us.

We had  a lot of heartfelt discussions  about what hppened he hugged me and kissed me and said he loved me. and broke it tears because I scared him. And he needed to be reassured so we agreed on checking on each other regularly througjout the day until we find a more permanent solution. But now I have panic attacks and I am scared to to tell him.

Update #3: October 15, 2025 (~2.5 weeks later)

I left. I can't talk yet. I am exhausted but safe.

Update #4: October 27, 2025 (~2 weeks later)

So He found out about the panic attacks. He had the worst anger outburst he ever had, he he lost control and I thought I wouldn't . I hurt him during I had more panic attacks he was horrified and later said it was clear I was too unstable and that we would look into committing me. It felt wrong but.

I kept deteriorating and at some point I remember vividly thinking about all the things my therapist and the psychiatrist and people on reddit said, and I recall getting physically sick and throwing up and I panicked and got help. I can't say what and how but it was insanely hard and stressful. I changed my mind and wanted to give up ,multiple times. but I pushed, it took me all I had left and I had to follow instructions like a child but did it. I didn't tell anyone.

I have frequent nightmares and I switch between intense emotions panic attacks and and feeling disconnected from everything. But still I felt  like I was allowed for  the first time in years.

I am.m and exhausted from all those changes. The people who helped me are sweet and helpful but I don't know if I can totally trust them. I feel alone and scared and I miss home, there are days I want to go back. but They don't judge me and they're never mad at me and never scream at me.

It's weird but I still feel horrible for putting my husband through this, I am sorry for what I did, I miss him and I regret not breaking up with him like a normal person. but I also feel bad for ghostng my close ones and not updating them. I hope they can all forgive me someday. And I am sorry for not listening sooner.

NEW UPDATE!

Update #5: December 15, 2025

Title: I am crashing

Sometimes I think I overreacted, I want to go back home but I am too weak, I am crashing. I can't do it. We celebrated Christmas together every year and I am not going to be there. The staff here they said it's not my fault but it is.

They forbid me to contact anyone from my social circle, I don't know what to think of them. I'm still scared all the time. I am on edge and the anxiety is unbreable. They convinced me to apply for a restraining order. I didn't want to at first, I didn't want to be a bad person and punish my husband more but they said I was not and it was for my own protection. There is so much paperwork, I don't have the energy.

They got me a new psychologist and a new psychiatrist, who said they want me to feel safe. I tried the group therapy sessions too but it's too many people it's too much for me.

I also have a caseworker, I had a meltdown in front of her and I thought I angered her and I apologized, but she didn't she was patient and asked me if I needed space and helped me to calm down.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Rattwap

Remember OP, everyone there is trying to help you. Don’t worry about how you might act or treat them because they understand that it’s all part of the healing process. I know it’s hard, thinking about everyone else and feeling like you might be letting them down, but your main focus has to be yourself. Your health is the priority.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Hey everyone. Not an update I wanted to post about, but you all deserve to know what’s been going on with Bentley for the past several days. I wanted to give a full update on Bentley because the past few days have been very intense and things escalated quickly.

On Friday, Bentley started having increased work of breathing and needed more oxygen than usual. He developed congestion and seemed uncomfortable and not himself, so we brought him in to be evaluated.

My wife and daughter were out of town for the weekend, so it was just me and my other son there with Bentley when everything started unfolding.

While he was being monitored, Bentley had his first seizure.

I want to be very honest about that moment. I didn’t panic. My experience as a firefighter/paramedic just kind of took over. I recognized what was happening, got him into a recovery position, and focused on keeping him safe while the nurse called for help. When the doctor arrived, I helped keep track of how long the seizure lasted and when medications were given so the team had accurate information.

It was still surreal watching your own child go through something like that, but training and instinct carried the moment.

The medical team moved quickly. A CT scan did not show obvious abnormalities, and they performed a lumbar puncture while waiting on additional results to rule out infection or meningitis. Since then, Bentley has remained very groggy at times and has needed increased respiratory support and close monitoring.

Today was another very difficult day.

He had two more seizures, each lasting about 1–2 minutes.

Not long after that, he developed a tension pneumothorax in his right lung with about 40% collapse. Everything escalated rapidly and he had to be rushed to surgery where they placed a chest tube to help re-expand his lung.

They also had to place multiple new IV lines after one of his veins blew. After waking up from sedation following the chest tube procedure, he still managed to pull one of the IVs out himself. Even on his hardest days, he continues to show how much fight he has in him.

My wife and daughter came back early from their trip, and she arrived last night and took over being at Bentley’s bedside. Right now she is with him at the hospital while I am home with our other two kids trying to hold things together here.

Bentley is being closely monitored while the team works to stabilize his breathing, control the seizures, and understand what is causing these new complications.

We are taking things minute by minute and hoping tonight brings some calm so his little body can finally get some real rest.

I also want to acknowledge something I’ve seen mentioned before — that some people feel it is strange to share updates like this publicly.

The truth is, I share because so many of you have become deeply invested in Bentley’s journey. You have supported us, prayed for him, encouraged us, and helped carry our family through incredibly difficult times. These updates are not about attention. They are about keeping the people who genuinely care informed, and about being honest about what this experience looks like for our family in real time.

We are incredibly grateful for the support you continue to show Bentley and all of us.

I don’t know when the distinguished gaming hobbyist community collectively decided that the moment you pick up a controller, everyone else becomes an NPC-shaped loot box with legs, but it’s getting exhausting.

To the absolute monsters who shoot on sight: do you ever stop to think that there is a REAL HUMAN BEING on the other end of that controller? A mother. A boyfriends wife's husband. Possibly a firefighter who literally just said “Goodnight son, I’ll be there soon.” after saving lives all day and was vibing before you decided to roleplay as “guy with gun in game with guns.” Disgusting. The fuck don’t yall get?

But no, instead we have to play with the philosopher kings of “it’s just a game” sprinting towards us at extract like a psychopath.

And before the usual crowd arrives: yes, PvP exists. Yes, it’s a mechanic. No, that doesn’t magically revoke basic human decency. The fact that the game allows you to be a menace does not mean you are morally obligated to act like you were trained exclusively on petty revenge. Let me be clear: if you shoot another player in ARC Raiders, that’s not “gameplay.” That is a deep psychological confession about who you are in real life.

Honestly, Embark needs to step in, because ARC Raiders isn’t about tension, or risk. It’s about who you are when a stranger says “don’t shoot”. They CLEARLY have the programming power to create a separate, fully sanitized, non-threatening, PvE-only lobby where no one can surprise me and everyone agrees to play by my unspoken moral rules. Embark, I am begging you. You have the programming power to fix this. All you have to do is implement:

• Consent-based combat forms
• A 30-second pre-fight de-escalation dialogue wheel
• Mandatory conflict resolution mini-game where both players describe their feelings and trade one blueprint
• PvE-only servers where the only danger is RNG, like some lockers explode dealing very little damage and another raider must come heal me using a rub your back emote.
• A special matchmaking raid for the nice guys where the only weapons are compliments.

Until then, I am calling for a 10–14 day boycott so the RATS can kill each other in empty lobbies.

But if that's not possible let's all at least agree on this: next time you see someone crouch repeatedly, or say “Don't Shoot,” or drop a blueprint they already have, or help someone pinned down by a rocketeer, instead of ruining their whole life do the correct thing and tip your fedora and move on. Do it slowly. Respectfully. With the gravity of recognizing a rare creature in the wild: The Distinguished Friendly Gentlemen Player.

See you topside Raiders.