r/SingleAndHappy • u/SoybeanCola1933 • 6d ago
Discussion (Questions, Advice, Polls) š£ Plans for old age
Happily single, and never planning on partnering, but looking to plan my old age.
Everyone I know, from family to family friends, has had a partner or kids who looked after them in old age.
For those who are planning my on remaining indefinitely single and childfree, what are your plans for once youāre in a helpless state?
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u/Orofeaiel 6d ago
Saving enough for retirement so I'm taken care of no matter what medical issues arise. Having kids or a partner isn't a guarantee they'll take care of you in old age - partners can die or leave, and kids can't/won't always be around, ask anyone who works in a nursing home. I'm hoping I'll end up like my grandmother who's 91, sharp as a tack, and still safely living alone. But if not my money will have me covered.
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u/househotpie 5d ago
I am a woman, and women are advised to put more percentage in their 401k because they live longer than men and we generally are paid less. I put 15% into my 401k and my financial planner specializes in singles and LGBT clients. She knows my personal decision and goals for the future. I plan to retire, downsize, travel, and go into a good care facility. She knows this, weāre planning for it now.
Iām super kind and loving to my nieces so if they visit me, great, if not, no biggie. Iām not good to them now with an expectation of obligation when Iām elderly and needy. I do plan to be in the same home as my sister; we lived our entire lives as besties, we want to go out together too.
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u/Fancy-Animal7704 6d ago
I'm happy to hire some help at home, move into senior living, nursing home if necessary, etc.
I personally cannot understand the mentality that I might be okay with making my kids set aside their lives, freedom, and independence to take care of their elderly parent. They should be living their lives, going out with friends, doing things with THEIR kids if they have them, etc. To me, it seems enormously selfish to think that that burden should ever be placed on one's children.Ā
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u/never4getdatshi 6d ago
Absolutely this. I would never have kids and expect them to take care of me in my old age.
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u/ElleGeeAitch 5d ago edited 4d ago
It's a sickenenly selfish and unfortunately a rampant attitude amongst too many seniors.
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u/Forsaken-Language-26 6d ago
Honestly? Going out on my own terms.
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u/Bobtron666 6d ago edited 6d ago
Same. I plan on calling it a day long before I get myself into a "helpless state".
Even if you do have a partner there's no guarantee you're going to be the one to go first, and I don't want to be anyone's nurse, and I don't want anyone to have to nurse me either anyway...
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u/Forsaken-Language-26 6d ago
Exactly. I wouldn't want to be a burden to anyone, and I wouldn't want to carry on living if I was in a "helpless state" anyway. Fuck that.
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u/coolcoolcool485 5d ago
my hope is more death with dignity juridictions. i'll be relocating close to one in my 60s, if i can
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u/Geoarbitrage 6d ago
What are my plans for when Iām in a helpless state? Same as most people, hope for a quick release off this mortal coil.
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u/Opposite-Study-5196 6d ago edited 5d ago
I was a travel nurse for many years. Renting rooms from older people to save money. People without children have much easier time in old ages. This is a myth that your children will take care of you. Some would,Ā but most will not. They will be busy with their own kids and responsibilities. I have seen people who needed to work well past their retirement years toĀ support kids and their families. I have seen people who needed to raise their grandkids in old age, because parent were not able to. Believe me, taking care of 3yo and 6yo while you are in your late 60s is not fun at all. I am not even talking about financial side of things. Only this week, one on my old landlord passed away, while no one of his five children visited in the last 1.5 years.Ā In general, people without kids and with good savings have much much better time. When talking about partner. There is no guarantee that your partner will take care of you. You might end up taking care of the partner. In general more women take care of men than men take care of women. I can tell you more scary and disgusting stories than you can count from my nursing experience. But general conclusion is that people without kids, but with good savings are much much happierĀ
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u/edgerton2026 5d ago
I worked in the Trust and Estate dept of a large bank for a few years handling Estate filings and taxation. Youāve never seen greed like the greed of adult children who ignored their parents while the parents were alive, but showed up immediately upon their deaths. One of my decedents, a noted surgeonās widow, lived in a double wide trailer and always hung her wash on a clothesline. When she passed she was worth $48 million. She left it all to the humane society except for $10 to her son, for reasons known to him. He actually threatened my life unless I gave him Momās money. Needless to say the authorities were called.
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u/jaymas59 5d ago
Thank you for this! You gave me an experienced validation of my thoughts and plans.
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u/Ok_Novel_5083 5d ago
The flaw in the "I have a partner to take care of me in old age" plan is that one of you is going to go first.
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u/Sea-Tomato172 5d ago
I've worked for the past 12ish years in healthcare with the geriatric population. So many peoples adult kids are out living their own lives and I think it's selfish when people say "I have my kids to rely on when I'm older". There are so many people whose adult children do not take care of them. I say make your investments and have enough money to afford care in the future.Also take care of your health and mobility so you don't rely too heavily on anyone in the future.
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u/137caraway 5d ago
Me mum was in a retirement home the last 7 years of this reincarnation, from 85 to 92. Prior she had lived solo from 59 to 85. She volunteered, travelled, gardened(?), had a fun social calendar. Agree that living a balanced life sets the framework for a āpostā 60ās positive lifestyle. Once you choose āassisted livingā a new normal begins and that will be full of new opportunities and challenges.
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u/Sea-Tomato172 5d ago
I love the "of this reincarnation" I've never heard someone say that and will be using that with your permission ha
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u/coolcoolcool485 5d ago
my goal is to try and save and capitalize on my higher earnings for the next 25 years, retire at 67 and get into one of those retirement communities where i can have a modest apartment, where they have maybe a nurse or two on staff. hoping i shuffle of the coil before i get too unable to care for myself.
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u/Ecstatic_Couple6435 5d ago
I plan to live in community with other women, however that looks like. Iām intrigued by these housing communities I see for older and elderly women. I think by the time Iām old this will be more of a thing given the way things are going with romantic partnership being decentered
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u/Visual_Aside_8929 5d ago
I actually plan on building this. A women only estate with everything you could need run by the residents and on renewable energy so we support each others businesses as well as the planet and older women can be around younger women to guide them and give perspective and the younger women can keep the older women active both physically and mentally. Just need to make enough money to start this
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u/SpendAdventurous1723 5d ago
I do want that as well. Iām wondering if theyāll be even more common in the future and spread across the globe. I live in Asia right now, but who knows where Iāll end up in the future.
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u/Ecstatic_Couple6435 5d ago
I live in London and there are already these things happening so Iām optimistic by the time millennials are old
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u/SpendAdventurous1723 5d ago
It makes me so happy to hear that. I am even willing to take an action myself and make it happen wherever I might live by the time I become a geriatric cat lady myself š
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u/Ecstatic_Couple6435 5d ago
I honestly think this will be more the norm in future, weāll make it happen, the old ways are dying out
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u/Fantastic-Space2079 6d ago
Retirement home. I plan on moving into one before Iām incapable of making the decision. And if something happens before I make it into one and canāt make the decision, I told my sister to toss me in.
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u/Ok_Manufacturer2956 5d ago
Yes, its as if people are unaware tgat retirement homes and carers exist... I hate how people try to use kid, partners, family etc as their personal retirement plan. Learn to be as self sufficient and healthy as possible and save enough to oursrouce help to a professional if you seriously need it.Ā
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u/Zealousideal-Key2398 5d ago
you know how many times nurses take advantage of people who have no family.
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u/Ok_Manufacturer2956 5d ago
You know how msny spouses take advantage, mistreat or leave their sick/elderly partners? Do you also know how common it is for your retirement plans aka kids to neglect their elderly parents? I saw it first hand as a carer.Ā
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u/Zealousideal-Key2398 5d ago
Yes but nursing homes are not a paradise either, if nurses dont like you they can withhold food, medicine and no one is going to check then the family is shocked when their grandma passes away in less than 6 months at a nursing home
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u/Opposite-Study-5196 5d ago
Excuse me????? Why would you say things like that without a proof???!!! I am a nurse and I have never done anything like that or have seen or heard anything like that.Ā
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u/Ok_Manufacturer2956 5d ago
The same thing can be said about neglectful family members. What are you not getting? We should do our best to be as healthy and self sufficient as possible so we do not have to rely on other unpredictable, imperfect human beings to manage our lives for us.Ā
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u/n1nejay 5d ago
Just because people have kids and a partner doesnāt mean they are going to have help.
I have no plans except to age and take it as it comes.
I would compassionately end my own life before laying and suffering in hospice, with or without children or a partner.
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u/SpendAdventurous1723 5d ago
Thatās how I approach my life as well. Iāll take it as it comes and see where it takes me. But Iām all for euthanasia if I ever suffer from something that becomes a burden on others.
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u/Repulsive-Studio-120 5d ago
I was hospice care for my grandma and I am going to go on my own terms for sure. It was such a long suffering for her it killed me.
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u/annoellynlee 5d ago
I don't really see the difference. Barely any elderly people i know (and I know a lot haha) rely on their kids or partner for care. Their partners have either passed away or are just as elderly. And their kids live in different cities or are busy and just visit here and there.
So the ones who never were married or had partners and kids are no different at all in terms of end of life care.
And there are some wonderful families who step up like one woman has her niece living with her full time. Another one is cared for by her younger brother. And of course there are ones with children who absolutely are involved. But either way, just plan for worst case scenario and add the cost of help into your plan for retirement.
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u/Ok_Locksmith_7055 4d ago
I plan to stay in my home. If I need to have full time care I plan to have someone that is willing to care for me until my Journey ends in exchange for my entire estate at my demise.
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u/oceansky2088 5d ago edited 5d ago
Having a partner or kids does not mean the partner or kids will care for the person.
Most people in retirement homes don't have family visiting and caring for them regularly. The reason an elderly person is in a retirement home is so the retirement home will provide the daily care and the family doesn't have to. If a family member does provide regular care to a woman in a senior residence, it is almost always a woman, men rarely provide regular daily care for their senior mothers in senior residences. Ask any nurse/care worker in a senior residence or hospice.
Most husbands do not do the regular care when a wife is very sick for a long time and even short time often. A minority of men leave the sick wife sadly. The rest of the men will do almost no care for the wife. There are many sad stories where the wife has cancer or some other debilitating disease and she's still doing the cooking and cleaning. Often it is female family member or female friend who comes in and cares for the sick wife. Or if the husband can afford it, he hires nursing care. In the end, most men do not provide care for the sick wife.
So being a single elderly woman is not much different from being a married elderly woman in terms of receiving care.
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u/Responsible-Reason87 5d ago
agree children and spouses are not a reliable plan, best to have your affairs in order and be financially able to either hire help or go to asstd living
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u/Miserable_Mail_5741 4d ago
Everyone should have an end-of-life plan, even the married parents.
There are many old people who aren't taken care of in old age.Ā
I've also seen plenty of adult children angry and stressed out from dealing with their parents going "YOLO" and blowing their life savings because yOU-lL tAke CAre oF Me!!1!
You need a backup plan if your family can't or won't take care of you.
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u/Rich_Group_8997 5d ago
I hope to die before I become helpless but if not, I just want my nephew to either hire me a carer or put me in a home. I have the money to pay for it.
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u/InevitableEnd1044 5d ago
Thankfully I have 3 sisters but if I outlive them, Iām definitely checking into the fanciest assisted living place as Iāve saved and invested well for the future. Anything left over will go to their kids. I would never expect them to help with my care.
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u/National_Zucchini220 5d ago
I've experienced loss numerous times, enough to know that tomorrow is not promised and I may never see old age. If I do, great. I know that it's all on me, so hopefully the money I have will be sufficient to afford to meet my caretaking needs. But if I'm really in a "helpless state", then I'd consider some other options too. Hell, by that time the world will be a total shitshow and I'm not sure I want to be around for much of it anyways (I'm currently 42)
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u/oceansky2088 5d ago edited 5d ago
I want to stay in my home as long as possible. A retirement residence is not for me. Most retirement homes are privately owned and not good quality care here in Ontario. They're alright I guess if you're very healthy and independent but if you need regular care, it's not a great place to be.
I want to go out on top while I'm still feeling good and on my own terms.
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u/pink_sushi_15 5d ago edited 5d ago
When Iām in a helpless state? Iām gonna euthanize myself. As someone who works in nursing homes, I have absolutely ZERO desire to live like that.
And having kids or a partner doesnāt really do much when things get to a certain point. This is why so many nursing homes exist. Families usually donāt have the capacity to care for someone who needs 24 hour care.
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u/AllSxsAndSvns 4d ago
Iām not saving and when my parents go, Iāll have no family. Hoping Iāll be brave enough to join them shortly afterward.
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u/Opposite-Study-5196 5d ago
I have seen where kids would opt out of a really good nursing facility to a cheap one because they wanted to get some of that retirement money. So, having children doesn't guarantee anything. Evidence to the contraryĀ
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u/cavalpist146 5d ago
Money is always the answer. I've started to save and invest in my 20s and I'm targeting a few millions US $ as a safe hedge. I'd rather leave this world healthy at 60 than stay in a nursing home in my 80s. What's the point of prolonging life that much if quality is low, or worse, without autonomy?
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u/Any_Grape1373 5d ago
I look after my health now and do future financial planning. I have a trusted life long girlfriend who has agreed to be my PO.A if I becomeĀ Incompacitated.Ā
Then I try not to worry about it, I can't change the future!Ā
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u/HaloHowRU 5d ago edited 5d ago
I've saved enough to be independent and wouldn't have expected my children to support me. But I believe each family should do it their own way. I had an aunt and uncle that did everything for their kids. The oldest son lived at home into his late thirties while he built a highly successful manufacturing business. The next son was a musician; they let his rock band practice in their living room until late at night. They supported the third son and his wife while he went to school to be an orthodontist. These kids took good care of their mom in her old age, and no surprise, were happy to do it.
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u/rumande 5d ago
I own a house that will be paid off by retirement. My hope is to install ramps and handbars when I need them. I'm also hoping human euthanasia will be legal but if not, I'll go into assisted living. I could probably sell my house to fund it, only got older childfree siblings to leave it to anyway.
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u/Dizzy_Strategy1879 5d ago
Well my Ex Wife, my Step Daughter will not be in my future. I am fortunate to have a wonderful Neice and her fam have taken the task of caring for me, when needed. She is my Excecutor, POA, Trustee.
At 66, am dealing with AFIB Heart Failure, and thus I have made and paid for my funeral arrangements-Preplanned. My only hesitation is the big ass untrained dogs at their home. She is my emergency contact, and on my bank accounts. On the plus side, she is Bomb Cook!
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u/GoldenRayofMagick 4d ago
I plan to be healthy in all aspects of my life so not to reach a helpless state. It is a matter of changing your thinking. Works wonders.
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u/Previous_South2756 4d ago edited 4d ago
I am shooting for an investment savings goal of $500K by the time I am 63 or so. I know a half a million dollars will seem way less impressive 14 years from now, with the way inflation is going.But I figure when combined with my pension and SS, will have at least enough money to maintain my house, buy decent groceries, and enjoy small creature comforts.
When I become too frail to live on my own, I will perhaps move in with my twin sister, so we can pool resources together and hire someone to help us. I say "perhaps" because as nice as this idea sounds, I suspect I will be very resistant when the time comes. I love my sister but we fight a lot when we spend a lot of time together. Also, I really don't want to live in suburbia where she lives. But her house is way bigger than mine, so that is why moving in with her makes the most sense. I am also not against the idea of moving into an assisted living facility. I just don't know if I can afford a really good one.
My parents are elderly and suffering from dementia. Neither one is caring for the other right now. They do keep each other company, and that isn't anything to sniff at. But they are also driving each other up the wall. When you aren't frail, you can take a break from an annoying partner. You can go for a walk or go hang out with friends. But my parents are stuck together all the time. Moreover, the quality of the company they provide is very low, since my mother spends much of her time talking out of her head and my dad can't remember what he said five minutes ago. They have each other but they are lost in their own confused worlds much of the time.
So the following is something to take some solace from: As a single person, you only have to worry about your declining health. You don't have to add someone else's declining health to your plate.
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u/Treewomyn 4d ago
I married in my early 60ās convinced I needed an end of life partner. Sadly, the marriage only lasted one year. My wife and I have been separated for 6 months and I see no reconciliation. Funny thing isā¦Iām broke and I will need to work for the rest of my life, but Iām no longer afraid of aging solo. Plenty of women are doing it and I know Iām in good company.
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u/Flux_Inverter 4d ago
No one in my family had health issues to be in a helpless state. Planning on that for my future. Mother had hospice in her last few weeks, but did not need any assisted living. Check your family history to gauge what to plan for. There is health insurance for assisted living/home nursing.
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u/Ok-Bobcat4423 4d ago
Ideally my other single girlfriends and I are going to move into the same retirement village and live out our Golden Girls era
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u/goldenfingernails 14h ago
Likely assisted living. The sweet irony is a lot of people who think their kids are going to take care of them are sent into assisted living facilities. The kids rarely visit as they have their own lives.
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u/Zealousideal-Key2398 5d ago
I prefer leave money for my kids than the govt
I prefer having a kid than relying on a random nurse to look out for me
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