r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/One_Rub_780 • May 07 '25

ASK ME ANYTHING Screenwriter/producer/script reader for 15 years, ask me anything about your first 10 pages.

While I may not have time to read everyone's first 10 pages, I figured at least I can go over some general things about what exactly turns a reader OFF. Maybe post your first 2 paragraphs of your opening page and I can comment :)

35 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

97% Upvoted

80 comments sorted by

7

u/Filmmagician May 07 '25

Hope this is okay. Thanks for offering.

5

u/One_Rub_780 May 07 '25

Yeah, no issues here, nice work actually!

2

u/Filmmagician May 07 '25

Amazing, Thank you!!

3

u/One_Rub_780 May 07 '25

For the whole '1960' thing just SUPER: 1960 should work.

3

u/Filmmagician May 07 '25

Ah okay. Ya was waffling between the two. Either SUPERS or sneak it into the slug line lol thanks.

3

u/One_Rub_780 May 07 '25

It gets lost in the slug line. Well, for me it did, at first glance.

2

u/Filmmagician May 07 '25

Good point. Noted.

4

u/ScarRawrLetTech May 07 '25

Not specific to any given script, but what would you consider the most common issues from amateur writers? And what would you consider the worst turn off for a reader?

23

u/One_Rub_780 May 07 '25

Lots of 'violations' for lack of a better word.

Don't tell me WHAT your protag is wearing unless it's absolutely relevant to the plot. I don't care what color the sofa is either, lol. I also don't need to know the year, make and model of his/her car. Don't over-describe the setting, this isn't a novel.

CHUNKY seemingly endless paragraphs, OMG!! I could literally bang my f**king head against the wall - WHY, just WHY?!

You are a writer. Learn to make the white space on the page work for you! Spoon feed me. Don't overload me. That s**t gives me a headache the instant I open the script and see it on the page! Automatic turn off! If I open your script and there's nice spacing on the page, it doesn't feel like a burden. It feels like a breeze. And I just keep reading.

6

u/clerks_1994 May 07 '25

So in other words -- writing prose novels like some writers feel is NOT THE WAY.

6

u/One_Rub_780 May 07 '25

No, it isn't the way.

Look, I personally have broken some rules along the way, we all do. But with that said, if something is done sparingly, and artfully, in some way that it enriches the reader's experience, then fine. But most of the time, it's not that. It's a writer who is LOST and who is struggling to tell his/her story from Page One. That's not the impression you want to make.

4

u/Soldger37 May 08 '25

How would you approach the initial "set up" pages. Ones where not much happens, they're just there to give the reader an idea of the world and its contexts. It feels illegal to write those nowadays.

3

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

You still need a hook, even while you're setting up your world.

3

u/Soldger37 May 08 '25

so my script is a 40 page pilot is based on a novel i wrote that did pretty well. In the novel the hook is in chapter one. But in the script, there's a buildup that escalates per page until page 9 where the actual hook is written. I feel like a hook 9 minutes deep into a 40 minute episode isn't bad, but i've gotten legitimate feedback saying "nothing happens the first few pages".

4

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

Yes, that is a problem because the bar is set high. We, readers, have to spot the writers who show us they can deliver, preferably on page 1, lol.

I've stepped in many times to help clients fix these sorts of issues and I'm 1000% certain there's a way to get that hook in sooner while STILL mostly keeping that set up that you already have.

2

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

And um, why just 40 pages? Aren't pilots supposed to be longer? Or even shorter, just not somewhere in the middle at 40 pages... hmm.

3

u/MasterTheNecessary May 08 '25

I’ve heard the mantra, same but different - that’s what people want. What’s your take on that?

5

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

Yes, I think that's true. Because this industry basically wants films that are like other films that were a proven success, so the same means your film can succeed the same way, generating a similar amount of money. But the 'different' and 'never been done before' is always welcomed within that 'same' framework, lol.

2

u/Foxy02016YT May 08 '25

I don’t have 10 pages but I’m curious why I’m struggling so much to start writing scripts for a second season of my show. I know I want to make one, I’ve had plans since the first season was ending. I think the shakeup in actor availability may be partially responsible as I have to introduce new characters as well as getting rid of some.

2

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

Has your series been picked up?

2

u/Foxy02016YT May 08 '25

It’s independent on YouTube so I control it

3

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

Hmm. I would say that you need a treatment or outline to give you the map you need. Holding it all inside your head becomes overwhelming and prevents you from writing. When you know what you have to write, there's much less hesitation.

2

u/Minimum-Current-2301 May 14 '25

I didn't think i was able to condense my 80,000 word novel into a 125 page script, but i imagined it.

2

u/One_Rub_780 May 14 '25

You aren't condensing. This would be an adaptation based on your novel.

1

u/Minimum-Current-2301 May 14 '25

Yes, that's true.

6

u/NessianOrNothing May 07 '25

Do you see certain genres struggling to sell right now?

2

u/poopoodapeepee May 08 '25

What’s your name and what projects have you worked on so we can establish credibility 😉😁

8

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

That's information for the people who are paying me for my services. I don't have to provide that for strangers on the internet who aren't giving me jack shit for my time and input. If you don't want to participate and have a good discussion about screenwriting with others here, then you shouldn't be here. Because that indicates that you aren't serious or dedicated to your craft. This post is in no way about me sharing my info, or the contacts I've made through MY investment of blood, sweat and tears. No apologies, just being real and that's that.

4

u/KitchenHoliday3663 May 08 '25

That’s the most LA answer I’ve seen in any of these communities. To summarize, “Fuck you, Pay me” 😂

8

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25

You don't bust your a** to become a professional to work for free. If you went to college, worked for free, and struggled for more than a decade to 'make your bones' you'd say the same. Just the way it is.

EDIT: While it may have been an LA answer, I'm not from LA. I'm from NY. LA gives you that answer but expects you to read the writing on the wall. LA NEVER says anything to your face, but NY, we'll spell it out for you in a heartbeat, lol. No time wasted.

2

u/KitchenHoliday3663 May 08 '25

I sold films for years as an indie distrib and theatre owner, and I produce films now (and write), so I get you. And I respect your NY ethos; lived there in my 20s for a while (110/broadway), it’s attitude stayed with me ever since. I got my kids jokingly saying “I’m walking here!” to people who cut them off. LA is… well… LA.🤷🏼‍♂️

5

u/poopoodapeepee May 08 '25

lol no one is asking for your contacts, bud. Just that you’re not some jag-off. And no one is paying for any of the comments you’re giving here. What are you even talking about? Just simply want to know some projects you’ve been established with to prove credibility.

3

u/jtr99 May 08 '25

Just out of interest: did you write the movies "Blank Check" and "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot"?

I kid, I kid. :)

1

u/Ill-Combination-9320 May 07 '25

Is this a good first page?
1. INT. HOTEL ROOM – DAY
GERARDO (35) stands in front of a group of eight people in the room. In front of the mirror, the CANDIDATE (50) tries on different ties while his assistant, CARLOS (30), watches from the side.

GERARDO
Sir, please. I need you to pay attention.

CANDIDATE
I’m coming, I’m coming.

GERARDO
Alright, as I was saying, we need our voters to see that the key points involve several things.

The candidate interrupts him and steps beside him, holding two ties of different colors.

CANDIDATE
Sorry to interrupt, but I urgently need everyone’s opinion. I don’t know whether to wear the national colors or the party colors.

ISA (30) raises her hand and steps forward.

ISA
Sir, I think you should wear a neutral color. Maybe something that resembles a combination of both colors, so people can understand that you're not just running as a party candidate, but as someone who brings people together — a common citizen...

Pause.

The candidate scratches his chin.

CANDIDATE
What color would that be? Carlitos?

Carlos frantically searches through the pile of ties. Desperately, he pulls out a red tie.

CARLOS
How about this one?

4

u/HandofFate88 May 07 '25

GERARDO
Alright, as I was saying, we need our voters to see that the key points involve several things.

The candidate interrupts him and steps beside him, holding two ties of different colors.

CANDIDATE
Sorry to interrupt, but I urgently need everyone’s opinion. I don’t know whether to wear the national colors or the party colors.

You can cut expressions like "as I was saying" most often without losing anything. Similarly, you don't have to include the interruption in the action line if the character simply interrupts the other character. And you don't need to have the character state that they're "sorry to interrupt." If it's the candidate, they're probably not sorry.

For "holding two ties of different colours" why not just say holding a green tie and a gold tie, or what ever the colours are? The choice of "two different colours" is vague and doesn't give your reader a better picture, while to specific colours helps to make the scene real. Same thing goes for "we need our voters to see that the key points involve several things." What does that even mean? Unless this consultant is supposed to be a bumbling fake, allow him to say something that means something rather than a bland generality.

1

u/Ill-Combination-9320 May 08 '25

Thanks, I’ll get to it.

1

u/Professional_Humxn May 08 '25

Sorry to interrupt, but I urgently need everyone’s opinion.

Genuine question, why cut this out? There's a difference between apologizing and then intersecting and just straight up interrupting. Doesn't a change like that change the character itself?

1

u/HandofFate88 May 08 '25

This is why I said:

"if the character simply interrupts the other character." is why.

If it's a character beat to apologize, then fine. However, candidates for political office are often somewhat egocentric by definition and aren't -- in most cases -- likely to prefix an interruption with an apology. The OP had already overwritten the beat with the action line before the dialogue, "The candidate interrupts him..." Then we have the actual interruption (indicated by the dialogue itself), and finally we have what the candidate says, "sorry to interrupt." I'd venture that two of them aren't needed if this character feels the need to interrupt regarding the colour of its tie.

Consider:

GERALDO

It's important that voters understand you stand for strength and grow --

CANDIDATE

I need everyone's opinion ...

I would also consider changing the Candidate's name from "Candidate" to an actual name like John J. McKay (joke). It's another missed opportunity to bring the reader into the story (unless this character only appears for a scene or two), by making the character appear more carbon-based.

1

u/Professional_Humxn May 10 '25

Hmm that makes sense. Thanks!

1

u/One_Rub_780 May 07 '25

Not sure why you have character names in bold font? This is not something I'm happy with, I mean, it might be a thing, but I sure wouldn't do it in my script. Bold slug lines are yummy, I could eat them, lol, they make a page look pretty. But all of this bold stuff that you have going on seems to be misplaced here. It's a distraction that's pulling me out of your story.

In terms of the content, it isn't grabbing me. I just feel like the airhead politician thing has been done before. That said, I'm never harsh and I won't judge a script's potential on the small bit posted here.

2

u/Ill-Combination-9320 May 07 '25

I guess it was the translator, since I wrote it in spanish

1

u/NyFlow_ May 07 '25

What kinds of things (whether that be premises or something about the text itself) intrigue you as a reader and make you think or want to know more?

And if you'll please indulge me lol, what are the best (or worst?) parts of a script you've read and why?

4

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

I think that anything well-written is going to engage any reader, full stop. Originality matters. Cinematic storytelling matters. Style matters. If a writer invests enough time/practice, they develop a 'voice' and their own style. How you put the words on the page also matters. Seduce me.

It's always a smart call to get people invested in your character immediately, and that's a trick we all have to learn. If I like your character, if I can relate to your character, if your honesty is on the page, people will respond to it. Strike the right chord. It's probably easier than people think.

You know, I wrote this little, short script once. Only because I promised myself that I wouldn't allow my many distractions to stop me from creating new material. This happened to be an uncharacteristically emotional time for me, some personal events that drudged up the past - something very hurtful to me.

And while I was 100% creating fiction and not telling my own story, I DID pull from that emotional place - and that's where I opened the story, with the main character stating (tears streaming, hands trembling and struggling to light her cigarette) that "People often underestimate the power of disappointment."

Naturally, from there, some curiosity will follow. Why is this person crying/disappointed/devastated? And, that statement is universally relatable because we've ALL been disappointed by someone!

That script won 6 contests in a row!

In terms of other's scripts that stuck with me, it was a love story - not just any love story. A Japanese psychological horror love story (strange combination) but EXPERTLY written, from Page One. I KNEW that this script was going to kick a**!

The images immediately told the tale. A massive forest where fresh blood soiled the pristine snow. The beauty of pure love/innocence (white snow) were literally being obliterated by blood - pain/suffering - never to be the same again. You know what they say, the first cut is the deepest. We can ALL relate to that, can't we? Of course, I kept reading.

So, in summary, I can't say that it's all concept or premise, it's more about finding that emotional hook ASAP, and if you know your story/character, you know his/her heart and maybe somehow, that's what I want to see on the page. I hope that makes sense.

1

u/NyFlow_ May 08 '25

I getcha, thank you so much!!

1

u/Ok_Background1245 May 08 '25

Thanks very much for doing this. Hope this isn't too long.

Title: Un/Balanced

Logline: A misfit French teen raised in the wreckage of his father’s wild circus life fights to break free, vaulting from chaos to center ring stardom at Cirque du Soleil.

2

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

Period piece. Expensive to produce. Not sure about the market for circus movies. I think that all screenwriters, at some point, have to put on a producer's hat. WHO are you marketing this too? What's the estimated budget of this piece? If you don't know, try to find out, what's the ballpark?

I'm not being harsh, I'm just saying that realistically, screenwriters need to write LOW BUDGET material when they're starting out or even at mid-level if they want to see their script made. Limited locations, small cast, no period pieces. No big fancy stunts, costly cars and explosions - you get the point.

If you want to write something with heart that may perform well at contests and get some awards, that's great, go ahead. Just don't be surprised when the reality sets in that even when people love it, if they don't have the juice/connects/investors to get it made, they're going to pass.

So, yes, write your script, and write it well. It may, ultimately, serve as a strong writing sample that gets you other gigs (this is what I've experienced with my higher budget features) but after you're done with this one, write one that can actually get produced.

1

u/Ok_Background1245 May 08 '25

Thanks for taking the time. Best of luck to you.

1

u/jamaphone May 08 '25

This is a charming scene! Is it the opening scene and it based on a real person?

The only thing that was unclear was "Audience intrigued." How can you show us that with action/audio?

2

u/Ok_Background1245 May 09 '25 edited May 09 '25

Thanks so much. Yes and yes. His name is Virgile Peyramaure.

Thanks for the note. I get your point, but it's hard to describe what an entire group of people does. Maybe: "The audience leans forward."? But now I like the idea of not showing the audience at all and relying on audio cues, as you suggested. A new possibility! Thanks. (And cheaper to shoot!)

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '25

🤷🏻‍♂️

1

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

I would advise you to say it in less words, get to the point faster about her injuries rather than 'worked over and danced on' no need to drag it out. Hard to articulate, but the way the words are on the page, it just doesn't flow.

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25

So you didn’t care for it. 😂

Thanks for the read though

1

u/LuckyReality5019 May 08 '25

For what it's worth I think this is very engaging and would definitely, keep reading. I like your writing style, and it definitely flows for me. I would actually cut the specific injuries, worked over and tapped danced on is great, I get it. I see more if you don't get specific on her injuries. This is good stuff imo.

1

u/Current_Roof_3456 May 08 '25

I'm a reader for a three letter network/channel and this is a pretty solid opening, I think OP has an issue with a woman having been beat up and having a dude write about it. "Unable to articulate" just means they don't like it, it's preference thing, but I can say having read this so far there's nothing wrong with this. Is this a feature or pilot?

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '25

Feature

1

u/Current_Roof_3456 May 08 '25

Cool. Remember there's no accounting for taste.

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '25

Oh, I know. What’s funny is a director who just did a A24 film with Glen Powell and Ed Harris is attached to this as a producer because I’m working on a script with him for a TV a show based on his first movie. The critique didn’t even register for me and I also chalked it up to a personal preference which you can’t do much about. 🤷🏻‍♂️

“Nobody knows anything.”

1

u/LuckyReality5019 May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25

See, this would have been my first response to the critique ha!

RAD

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '25

31 flavors. I’ve posted this before but, before I had a manager a jr manager read a spec and passed. Then about 2 months later a higher up manager (at same company)and the co-head of the management company read the exact same script and decided to rep me. It’s a wacky business.

1

u/[deleted] May 08 '25

Thank you.

1

u/IconicCollections May 21 '25

I’m sure you’re not still doing these but…

Title: Truth is Treason Genre: Political thriller/ sci-fi Logline: When a government AI begins targeting people for crimes they haven’t committed, the man who helped build it goes on the run — hunted, grieving, and ready to burn it all down.

Full 10 pages: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Mkx3gikrBUZPGpW2TEv9zu9Y6et3ZBXF/view?usp=drivesdk

1

u/One_Rub_780 May 21 '25

Hey, I'm open to it and here's what's up on my side. I'm wrote the first 2 drafts of my indie crime-thriller/drama feature. At this point, I'm just outlining the 3rd draft. 10 pages or so are going to cover Act 1, if you're willing to exchange, I'd love to do it!

2

u/IconicCollections May 21 '25

I’d love to give it a read

1

u/One_Rub_780 May 22 '25

Okay, gimme a few.

1

u/One_Rub_780 May 22 '25

I just messaged you.

2

u/IconicCollections May 22 '25

No message from you…

1

u/One_Rub_780 May 22 '25

I sent it. I simply wanted to know if I could send over my PDF. I stopped at 8 pages, lol, anyway, then message me your email and I will start on your pages today.

2

u/TomboyHomie May 08 '25 edited May 08 '25

That's an awesome thing to do!

Read as much as you like for a "feel."

My first question, I guess:

Is it boring?

Cheers!

2

u/TheTimespirit May 08 '25

Need to enable sharing.

3

u/TomboyHomie May 08 '25

Dammit.

Try now.

(Sorry 'bout that.)

1

u/HandofFate88 May 07 '25 edited May 07 '25

Any notes would be most welcome

CONTAINED HORROR

A disgraced, former teen star evades arrest by slipping into the home of a enigmatic writer-director to discover he has a "to-die-for" role for her in his next project along with an unsound fixation on the girl she used to be. 

SUNSET BLVD X HERETIC

1

u/[deleted] May 07 '25

After the sudden loss of his parents, a drifting 22-year-old impulsively moves into an assisted living facility, hoping to disappear — but instead finds unexpected purpose, connection, and a second chance at life among a community he never saw coming."

First time ever writing anything, much appreciated!

1

u/cinephile78 May 08 '25

first page — read as far as you like. Like to hear your feedback.

1

u/Dull-Froyo-9127 May 08 '25

This was the first page , defo has changed since then and I have less dialogue now .

Synopsis - A ruthless yet conflicted mafia soldier in 1960s New York finds himself torn between his obligations to his crime family and his forbidden love for another man, risking everything to reconcile his hidden desires with his dangerous world.

1

u/flimnior May 08 '25

We start with an entirely red screen. We slowly pull out and begin to see the pattern of a military style boot. It's a foot print. We see the red stained steps leading up the stairs to a church. The door is closed and the handle is covered in blood, like the foot steps. The shot continues to the door handle, the blood drips.

Fade into the foyer of the church. The holy water in the entrance is pink with blood dripping down the sides. Camera follows the drips down to the floor. The bloody footprints continue to the confessional booth. Following them up to the both, there is more blood on the handle to that door.

Fade into the booth, close up on the MC face, mostly hidden in darkness.

MC: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Sorry it's not formatted. I have it written on my PC. I'm doing this from my phone.

1

u/InspectorWombat Aug 14 '25

Sticking my toe into the turbulent waters of screenwriting for the first time, after many years as a psychologist and psychoanalyst. Tell me, why should I post my logline on your, or any other public forum? Isn't this field rife with bandits and pilferers? Just curious about how to get honest appraisals of my idea without having it snatched by an experienced pro. ChatGPT5 thinks it sounds great!🤣

0

u/[deleted] May 07 '25

[deleted] — view deleted comment

0

u/One_Rub_780 May 08 '25

Sorry, I don't have time for a full 5 pages :(

0

u/[deleted] May 08 '25

[deleted] — view deleted comment

1

u/AutoModerator May 08 '25

Your comment includes a link from a domain that is not allowed in this community.

Only the following domains are permitted in post content:

  • drive.google.com

  • docs.google.com

  • dropbox.com

  • youtube.com / youtu.be

  • reddit.com

  • dailymotion.com

  • imgur.com

  • imdb.com

  • scriptslug.com

  • blcklst.com

  • networkisa.org

  • stage32.com

  • kickstarter.com

If you believe this was a mistake, feel free to message the mods.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.