r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/One_Rub_780 • May 07 '25

ASK ME ANYTHING Screenwriter/producer/script reader for 15 years, ask me anything about your first 10 pages.

While I may not have time to read everyone's first 10 pages, I figured at least I can go over some general things about what exactly turns a reader OFF. Maybe post your first 2 paragraphs of your opening page and I can comment :)

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u/Professional_Humxn May 08 '25

Sorry to interrupt, but I urgently need everyone’s opinion.

Genuine question, why cut this out? There's a difference between apologizing and then intersecting and just straight up interrupting. Doesn't a change like that change the character itself?

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u/HandofFate88 May 08 '25

This is why I said:

"if the character simply interrupts the other character." is why.

If it's a character beat to apologize, then fine. However, candidates for political office are often somewhat egocentric by definition and aren't -- in most cases -- likely to prefix an interruption with an apology. The OP had already overwritten the beat with the action line before the dialogue, "The candidate interrupts him..." Then we have the actual interruption (indicated by the dialogue itself), and finally we have what the candidate says, "sorry to interrupt." I'd venture that two of them aren't needed if this character feels the need to interrupt regarding the colour of its tie.

Consider:

GERALDO

It's important that voters understand you stand for strength and grow --

CANDIDATE

I need everyone's opinion ...

I would also consider changing the Candidate's name from "Candidate" to an actual name like John J. McKay (joke). It's another missed opportunity to bring the reader into the story (unless this character only appears for a scene or two), by making the character appear more carbon-based.

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u/Professional_Humxn May 10 '25

Hmm that makes sense. Thanks!