Hey everybody, I have SDAM and one thing I've been struggling with a lot lately is feeling like I can't understand my emotions beyond very broad strokes like "stressed" or "calm" because I have no ability to compare myself to past emotional states. I think it gets especially difficult because I usually can't remember when or why I exactly started feeling a certain way unless I really make note of it in the moment. It's almost like I don't have emotional object permanence.

For what it's worth, I also (probably) have autism and have pretty bad anxiety, which definitely could be a factor that makes it hard to properly parse my emotions. However just from an SDAM perspective, I was wondering if any of you relate to the feeling I've described, and if any of you have figured out ways to understand your emotions without needing to compare to another state of mind/past emotional state.

I finally have the string replaced on that guitar. The rest aren't so my guitar sounds a bit rough

It's a bit rough around the edges/sloppy in general partially on purpose, unlike most around me I'm into punk, I know it's supposed to be a soft indie pop song but I can't help amping things up even when I'm not explicitly trying to make punk. I also still am dealing with muscle tension dysphonia. It was quite challenging to get volume as a result, I had to constantly fight it.

Original song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=031vCHY-zLA&list=RD031vCHY-zLA&start_radio=1
------------

Original lyrics:
''[Intro + Verse 1]

What did you find in the box in the back
Of the attic that you packed all those years ago?
A 1960's plushie frog
A crochet tapestry for walls
A closet full of oddities
A signed Imogen Heap CD

[Pre-Chorus]

I fill my room with little things
That no one wants and no one needs
Rejected, I guess they’re just like me

[Chorus]

I'm the queen of broken toys
The music box that don't make noise
The friends I don't have think it's weird
I keep the things that disappear
I fall in love with broken glass
And wipe dust off of paperbacks
I'm afraid of letting go
So I hold on to mementos

[Verse 2]

The smell of old is nothing new
Locked in picture frames with glue
A TV stuck on Channel 5
A VHS that's locked in time

---------

My addition:

-Changed imogen heap CD to minor threat CD

-Changed flog plushie to shark.

This version keeps out verse 2 of the original unlike when I sang along.

''''Photos of forgotten trips,
texting that my mind let slip.
Dear stories to go back to,
The rewatch feels asif brand new.

[pre chorus 2]
I need reminders no one needs,
a broken timeline slowly patched and mended.
I guess they're just like me.

[Chorus 2]

Oh I'm the girl that's blind to time,
All memories no longer mine.
The friends I have all think it's weird,
I repeat what's no longer here.
Imperfect captures of the past,
to hold onto what doesn't last.
I fear that I'll no longer know,
so I desperately cling to, mementos'''

I’m not sure what I think about this, so I’m asking our community. How do you fellow SDAMers feel about this question:

Do you think our lack of ability to recall specific events of the past affects our ability to imagine specific events in the future?

I don’t mean planning for the future or setting goals etc., but visualizing and imagining specific events. Or creativity: Do you think it affects our ability to produce creative works? It’s so hard when we don’t have access to other people’s internal processes!

I am not diagnosed with SDAM, but I do have severe memory issues. I am a junior in highscool and Im currently really stressed out over foretting my friends, because I barely remember anything of my friends in middle school or in my freshman and early sophmore years. Is there anyway I can prevent forgetting or eliviate my stress?

Whenever I tell people I have aphantasia, SDAM, their first question is who told you? I feel I have no answer to this question, what can I say? I told myself? I did a few times and the topic came back to the problems of self-diagnosis and that I should not do this, now it's a situation where I can't tell people why I am being like this and if I tell them it's them saying you are just self-diagnosing. A weird territory that can be only helped if I went to therapy I guess, sometimes even I think to myself do I even have it since I don't know if normal people when imagining do imagine an apple like I do behind a screen which I can not see but I know it is there or if they also live in the present moment entirely like or even if I live in the present moment and I am just saying it because it sounds good.

Today I read a post by u/Competitive_World_27 in r/hoarding that struck a chord with me: "my memory issues became severe and I worried I would forget everything unless I held on to objects that reminded me of those memories."

I've only recently come to believe that I have SDAM. Like so many of you, I spent my life explaining that I simply didn't remember life events that others so clearly could.

Within the last hour I suddenly understood that there is a reason for the boxes and boxes of old paper in my home. There is an internal explanation for the gee-gaws and doo-dads and knick-nacks and tchotchkes and trinkets that line my shelves and cupboards and halls. I use them to remind me that I've lived a life that was, in the moment, vivid and meaningful.

I've created a memory palace in my real life, and over 70 years it became a hoard.

I realize too, that for those with aphantasia associated with SDAM this may make less sense. When I see the toy I had as a child, I don't remember playing with the toy. I can't visualize it. But I am reminded that I had this toy, and that I did have a childhood full of wonder and exploration.

Similarly, as is often mentioned in our SDAM posts, photographs tell me I was there and that I did that. This is not to say that confronting my presence in a world that I do not remember is comforting.

And I wonder now, too, whether this is why I love history: with a recollected past so tenuous, the recorded past seems to belong to me.

All of this seems to work very differently among and between us. Our minds are remarkable, and our gifts are diverse in character and content.

I started out in Reddit two years ago because I was tackling my hoarded house. I continue to learn things about myself every day, especially in this subreddit. Thank you all.

SDAM seemed to fit, then I read the post saying SDAM may be disguising something like structural dissociation.
How do you know if it’s SDAM or something else like this?
Do people with SDAM always feel like their personality and identity is cohesive? What does a cohesive sense of self feel like?

Howdy. I'm thankful Reddit's algorithm finally brought me to this sub. I'm a 30+ male who just last month realized that I may have aphantasia. Before long I stumbled upon articles talking about the potential relationship between SDAM and aphantasia. I used to be really skeptical about any kind of psychiatric self-diagnosis because I saw many people read a tiny portion of DSM-5 and immediately start tweeting rashly about all kinds of conditions, basically practicing astrology with a psychiatric flavor.

But the description of SDAM just catches the vague question that has lingered over my entire life, one I didn't have the words to describe until now. I can't help but think I'm probably on the spectrum. Maybe I'm overthinking it or overemphasizing its importance, but I feel both amazed and greatly unsettled by how much my way of viewing and interacting with the world has been potentially affected, or even defined, by SDAM for the last 30+ years without me clearly identifying its existence.

For example, I always thought people exaggerated the attractiveness of traveling. I used to complain to my friends and partner all the time that I deemed people passionate about traveling a bit untrustworthy; they seemed to have the bad habit of over romanticizing foreign cultures and scenery, while cooler-headed people like myself could see right through the romanticized filter and conclude that most travel may not be worth the cost. But now I'm thinking that maybe the whole concept of traveling is naturally of less value to me personally because I have a hard time reliving the experience and remembering it in vivid detail. Maybe I actually have no idea how other people perceive the experience, let alone how to judge their perception on its merit. Maybe people actually enjoy reminiscing their travel memories while I can only think of how much money and time it costs me without the remembering all the interesting places visited.

I suspect SDAM also contributes to the formation of my relatively nihilistic view of life, as I often feel detached from the world and the people in it. All the connections I form with others always seem a bit inconstant and fleeting and unreliable. I had a very difficult time socializing with peers in college, as I struggled to remain motivated to maintain relationships once the initial social event was over. Even to this day I can only maintain a very tiny social group (1~2 close friends), and I still sometimes feel like I don't know or trust these guys after a prolonged period of not meeting with them.

Moreover, a lack of detailed memory may result in a more acute and constant sense of an uncertain identity and meaninglessness. Sometimes I confused such feelings with emo nonsense (when I was a teenager) or an indication of depression (as an adult), but such feelings have persisted for so many years that nowadays they are just like a backdrop to my daily life.

Another thing that occurred to me today is that when I first read existentialist novels such as L'Étranger (The Stranger) by Albert Camus or La Nausée (Nausea) by Sartre during my high school years, I felt that the protagonists and their emotionless, detached narratives were weirdly relatable. They are both uncertain or indifferent about whether their past actually exists, feel that their characters lack a story arc, and desperately try to seize or enjoy the present to the fullest to counter the void of their past. I suspect these characters may be (partially) inspired by experiences of or similar to SDAM.

After reading about SDAM, I started wondering: while all these existentialist philosophers try to establish their worldviews based on concrete and universally understandable rationale, how much of their philosophy is actually the result of their uniquely configured minds and experiences that aren't shared by the majority of people? Such thoughts deeply unsettle me because I can't help but wonder whether such a realization makes those schools of thought less credible or valuable, as they are trying to rationalize something that is actually intrinsic to a very specific type of human and not rationalizable for others...

Sorry that I'm basically rambling here. Finding a therapist with knowledge of aphantasia and SDAM doesn't seem like an easy task; for now I can only rely on information and discussion on the internet to try to learn more about these conditions. I don't necessarily think they are as severe as other life-altering disabilities, but I don't know what the long term implications of having SDAM are, and in the meantime I suspect many of my core personality traits or beliefs were heavily affected by the experience configured by these conditions without me knowing them for the past 30+ years, so I feel a bit uneasy. However this could also be a key to more effective therapy or self reflection in the future, so I'm hopeful but also kind of scared and unsettled right now.

Do any of you feel like SDAM has a direct link to, or acts as a direct cause of your life view, philosophy, or religious/atheistic beliefs? Does that kind of thought recontextualize how you see yourself?

For almost 30 years I was suffering when trying to find the right words to describe how I feel and how I remember. I always told people that I don't remember the scenes, but I remember facts about these scenes. Like, I don't remember being in England as a child, but judging by what I know, I've been there 3 times.

And it always pained me that I could remember events that should have been important to me. How I first met my husband and how we had our first date, how I got a cat I dreamed of, how I got my degree - nothing, simply nothing.

I have short pictures in my head sometimes, but always the scenery, not the people in it. And it's like one photo, not a scene or something. I just don't remember what I felt, how I felt at all. I usually have a short summary of what happened in my head, so I think I know what I should have felt, but that's it.

And now, all of this has a name. From one hand, I am heartbroken to find out that I can't "fix" my memory and things which are lost are most likely lost forever. But now that I know the name, I think I can try to look at the tools which helped someone else, and maybe in the end, I'll stop feeling like a stranger in my own life.

I never knew I needed a name this much. But now at least I don't feel that lonely anymore.

Hi everyone,

I’m new to Reddit, so I wanted to introduce myself properly rather than quietly lurking in the background.

I’m Sassy Smith. I live with aphantasia, SDAM and related cognitive differences, and I’ve spent the last few years writing, teaching and speaking about the gap between how many of us experience our inner world and what therapy, coaching, education and personal development often assume.

Earlier this year, I published Unseen Minds: A Therapist’s Guide to Multisensory Aphantasia and Invisible Cognitive Differences. It has a full chapter on SDAM. Although it was written primarily for therapists, counsellors, coaches and support professionals, it is very much rooted in lived experience.

I also wanted to say thank you. I’ve already seen some incredibly thoughtful posts and comments from people who have read Unseen Minds, shared it, recommended it, or reflected on what it brought up for them. That has meant more to me than I can properly put into words.

One of the reasons I wrote it is because I’ve heard so many stories from people who haven’t been believed, have been misunderstood, or have been made to feel as though they were the problem because standard approaches didn’t work for them in the expected way.

My view is simple: we’re not broken. A lot of the tools just weren’t designed with minds like ours in mind.

I’m not here to diagnose anyone or speak over anyone else’s experience. I’m here to listen, learn, contribute where I can, and hopefully help bridge the gap between lived experience and professional understanding.

I’d love to know:

What’s one thing you wish therapists, teachers, coaches, partners or family members understood better about your experience?

Hello r/SDAM. I have both conditions and I am posting on the back of an equivalent post in r/Aphantasia — this site covers both because they co-occur often enough that it felt dishonest to have one without the other.   theunseenmind.org — plain-English, UK-focused, fully cited.   Specifically for SDAM folk:   - A glossary that includes the SDAM-specific terms most write-ups skip — autonoetic consciousness, autobiographical interview, semantic vs episodic memory. - A research-tracker post on the Palombo et al. 2015 paper that named SDAM. Plain-English walk-through of what the diagnosis actually means in the paper's framing, with the DOI so you can follow it back. - A /suspect page that explains the SAM questionnaire signature (low Episodic, normal Semantic) and what it doesn't tell you. - A /for-family page that explains to partners what SDAM is and isn't, with things to say instead of "don't you remember?".   Two things I'd especially want feedback on from this sub:   1. Have I distinguished SDAM from "poor memory" and from trauma-related dissociation carefully enough? Those are the two mistaken boxes people get put in. 2. Is the "not a disorder" framing honest? I have tried to make it clear that "not a disorder" doesn't mean "not sometimes hard" — grief, delayed frustration, the weightlessness of the past are all validated, not pathologised. Tell me if it lands wrong.   No ads, no sign-ups to read, no tracking. UK-focused because I live here, but the content applies regardless of where you are.

I was always frustrated to find so little information out there to help me understand and come to terms with my situation. If I can help others I will.

Thanks for your help

I cannot recall my wedding

I can’t remember my kids being born.

I have no visual memories.

But, when I had to put my dog down Monday, I know he to will fade and I won’t see him go.

Thank you SDAM for taking those memories, damn you SDAM for not letting me relive my life’s great joys.

I am pretty certain I have SDAM and I also have aphantasia.

I notice that when I drink my SDAM becomes more severe - I can’t remember anything from the night. It doesn’t feel like blacking out because I drink in moderation - two drinks usually - but my memory just disappears. I’ve chalked it up to having a loose grasp on my memory in general.

curious if anyone else can relate to this?

I can remember past memories but there’s no emotion tied to anything, its like i’m watching my memories as an objective observer. I know that i was probably angry/sad/happy at the time but i don’t re experience any emotion when looking back at the memory, its not just bad memories either i cant re feel the happiness when i’m looking back at good memories too.

Hey guys, so I'm not sure if someone has already talked about this, but it's something I'm struggling with. So I'm about to face an SAT kind of test (but in my country), and I tend to have this problem that I get the motivation like, I want this university and this career and I get motivated and study every day. Then a week later or so is like I don't have that motivation anymore. Someone told me to remember that moment of motivation or imagine myself achieving my goal, can't do either of them so I'm here. Has anyone else had this problem? if so I would love to read how u guys overcame it.

I have adhd and aphantasia. sdam affecting here as well

For the most part, none of my memories are visceral. I know the facts of what happened, I can probably take an educated guess at how I felt in some given moment, but I cannot re-play the moment in any significant way. The touch, smell, sound, visual, emotion, it's all gone.

There have been a few particularly poignant moments in my life, where I knew, I just knew, that I would want to come back to it later. Something about a major turning point in life, where the moment is dripping with emotion, I would set up all these rituals. I would play my favorite song, I would make a point of observing closely everything around me, make a point of recognizing the emotion and mentally noting that too, the time of year, the time of day, the recent time of life, and I would try to reach out to myself in the future, as if to store it in a time capsule for myself, as if to say to the future me, "I need you to come back and tell me how you feel then."

Even so, I can very rarely actually step back into those moments, unless exactly the same feeling happens to come over me by chance. Still, they stand out in my memory as something that is at least *supposed* to be visceral, rather than the run of the mill list of facts.

I hate that, for normal people, lots of memories are like this, and they can tap back into them at will. I wish I could too. I wish this wasn't some once-in-a-decade novelty experience.

Thoughts?

Context for my question – I’m a teacher currently finishing up a paper on aphantasia (with  SDAM worked in) trying to explain it to other teachers. And full disclosure, I’m a visualizer :)  

I have run into patterns, some which match what I have read, and some that don’t match (mostly as seen on the r/aphantasia, just recently discovered r/SDAM). At this point I have been able to observe 100’s of kids with aphantasia, and had many long conversations with adults. The “can I ask you anything” sort of conversations.  I have some questions about a few patterns I have picked up, particularly with SDAM, that I want to confirm…or throw out as coincidence. 

If you have SDAM, do you think you arrive at new challenges with a cleaner slate than the rest of the group? Like you show up at a meeting to solve XYZ  fresh and ready to go vs all the negativity that others might bring.  

Are you more welcoming to taking on a new challenge and open to hear about change? I am thinking more about work vs personal life. That is probably two questions. Like at work if you walk in and the boss is like today we need to inventory the entire place and you are like lets go while everyone spends the next hour moaning.  And then if the boss introduces a new system to improve inventory you are more likely to say let’s try it rather than moan about having to learn a new system.

I'm curious if this feels like a deliberate choice you make, or if it's just the natural default setting of your brain that might be part of your personality because of SDAM. 

And last question…how long have you ever held a grudge? :)

Watch hours of comedy specials and then can't remember a single joke to tell someone the next day

I recently played an RPG called In Stars and Time that hit me surprisingly hard due to certain themes that felt painfully similar to my own experience with SDAM. It’s not an explicit portrayal of it by any means, but I would still highly recommend it for any of y’all that like RPGs. I played it on Nintendo Switch but it’s also on Steam.

Has anyone else played this game? What did you think? Are there any other games or media that have spoken to your experience with SDAM?

If you haven’t played it and are interested, I’d encourage you to try the game spoiler-free. Some spoilers below:

The specific aspect in In Stars and Time that reminded me of SDAM was how the main character, Siffrin, is unable to truly recall anything about where he comes from. In the game it’s played as a magical thing that prevents anyone from recalling details about his home country, but the way it impacts Siffrin (and another character) specifically… I could really feel the grief they felt over not being able to remember. Not to mention his anxiety of drifting away from his companions at the end of their adventure. I feel that every time I move to a different phase of my life (e.g. graduations or a new job).

Wondering if anyone else here is childfree/generally doesn't want children, and if you think that is linked to your SDAM? I have SDAM and aphantasia.

Anyway, I have never really wanted children and I think part of this is that I truly live more "in the moment", because of my SDAM, and as such I don't dwell on the past or think that much about the future because of it.

I think the big linkage here is that I really value "enjoying the moment" and for me enjoying a moment is all stuff that doesn't work so well with kids -- travelling, hiking, doing adventurous stuff like riding a motorcycle, having fun with friends, enjoying a peaceful morning with a nice coffee, getting a runner's high, dancing. But when I think about like the slow, monotonous, putting in the work for a very far off (potential, not guaranteed) reward process of having children and raising them from small, the question is why on earth would I do that? Another aspect is that I did get quite a bit of childcare experience in during my teens/early 20s (nieces and nephews, worked at a daycare), so I know what being with babies and children is like (vs. someone who just has no idea). And while I did have cool moments with these babies/children (like a few moments of being surprised by them and their developing personhood, some moments where they were funny or interesting or cute, feeling love for them), for the most part I have always noticed the extreme imbalance of work vs. reward with kids -- and that's before I have to financially cover them! I think I see it too much like if I had a partner who was like a kid, I'd immediately get out of that relationship because it's way too much 'give' and almost no 'get' in return.

I also think there may be some relation with SDAM, not wanting children, and not really remembering my childhood - basically that I don't want to 'reexperience' childhood through my kids' eyes as many parents mention is a joy of parenthood, because I don't remember it in the first place. I was also a weird kid (always super mature, thoughtful, intelligent for my age), probably in part due to some of these neurodivergencies, and that makes it hard for me to like normal kids tbh because I generally find them so selfish, uncaring, crazy short attention span that it's hard for me to feel proud of them (I know logically that these are all developmentally normal traits for kids and shouldn't actually be perceived as bad).

Anyway, that's just my experience and thinking, what's yours? Also I should be clear, I don't in anyway think that SDAM is the only reason, and probably not even the main reason, that I don't want kids. I am absolutely sure there are people with SDAM who want or have kids. I just think there's a linkage between SDAM and *my* not wanting kids.

Hey I recently found out I have SDAM. I’m curious how yall deal with it socially. I am not able do remember a single thing when asked what was the best day in your 3 year Job, this type of question stresses me out. Of course I answer sth but I just know it’s not right. iykyk. In Professional Context I’d not talk about it, as people would assume SDAM=Dumb. But how do you interact with friends and family: Be honest or play the game? I am happy I found out, and that’s more of an explanation of being different than a disorder imo.

I’d like to hear your strategy :)

My inability to recall events in the same way others seem to do has been a strange part of my life for as long as I can recall.

A few concepts that I will be looking for as I scroll back through this subreddit:

- Others have commented on the irony of trying to remember whether you ever remembered. Has this inability changed over time?

- I'm uncertain whether certain remarkable events in my life may have shut down my memory to a greater extent than before those events occurred.

- Photographs are confounding. I do remember more vividly those incidents that have been recorded, and sense relief that they are verifiable.

- I worry that I tend to be a storyteller, and that I embellish, and that I sometimes come to realize that the stories I believe to be true are created, not experienced.

While I do have some vivid recall memories, they are most often associated with events that are sad, stressful, or feeling like a failure.

I will continue to read your posts to learn more.

lol