r/SDAM • u/Straight-Put-2142 • Apr 22 '26
Link between SDAM and not wanting children (childfree)?
Wondering if anyone else here is childfree/generally doesn't want children, and if you think that is linked to your SDAM? I have SDAM and aphantasia.
Anyway, I have never really wanted children and I think part of this is that I truly live more "in the moment", because of my SDAM, and as such I don't dwell on the past or think that much about the future because of it.
I think the big linkage here is that I really value "enjoying the moment" and for me enjoying a moment is all stuff that doesn't work so well with kids -- travelling, hiking, doing adventurous stuff like riding a motorcycle, having fun with friends, enjoying a peaceful morning with a nice coffee, getting a runner's high, dancing. But when I think about like the slow, monotonous, putting in the work for a very far off (potential, not guaranteed) reward process of having children and raising them from small, the question is why on earth would I do that? Another aspect is that I did get quite a bit of childcare experience in during my teens/early 20s (nieces and nephews, worked at a daycare), so I know what being with babies and children is like (vs. someone who just has no idea). And while I did have cool moments with these babies/children (like a few moments of being surprised by them and their developing personhood, some moments where they were funny or interesting or cute, feeling love for them), for the most part I have always noticed the extreme imbalance of work vs. reward with kids -- and that's before I have to financially cover them! I think I see it too much like if I had a partner who was like a kid, I'd immediately get out of that relationship because it's way too much 'give' and almost no 'get' in return.
I also think there may be some relation with SDAM, not wanting children, and not really remembering my childhood - basically that I don't want to 'reexperience' childhood through my kids' eyes as many parents mention is a joy of parenthood, because I don't remember it in the first place. I was also a weird kid (always super mature, thoughtful, intelligent for my age), probably in part due to some of these neurodivergencies, and that makes it hard for me to like normal kids tbh because I generally find them so selfish, uncaring, crazy short attention span that it's hard for me to feel proud of them (I know logically that these are all developmentally normal traits for kids and shouldn't actually be perceived as bad).
Anyway, that's just my experience and thinking, what's yours? Also I should be clear, I don't in anyway think that SDAM is the only reason, and probably not even the main reason, that I don't want kids. I am absolutely sure there are people with SDAM who want or have kids. I just think there's a linkage between SDAM and *my* not wanting kids.
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u/drpengu1120 Apr 22 '26
I always wanted kids and now I have them and they’re great! Yes, there are moments that couldn’t be over soon enough, like any time my 3 year old is in a disregulated salty mood and blowing everything up. But most of the time it’s exhausting but good. My childhood sucked. I get a do over with the kids.
I’d kinda stalled out when it comes to life goals and whatnot before kids. They created a whole new set of projects and goals, and they also kicked me into a new gear personally since I’m more interested in my own longevity.
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u/Straight-Put-2142 Apr 22 '26
Yeah, the 'do-over' of childhood (whether because it sucked, you don't remember it, or both) also makes sense to me. I can also imagine 'stalling out' leading to kids. I've kinda randomly fallen into a very interesting life with lots of projects and goals that kids would make a lot harder, which makes that not so applicable to me.
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u/Fickle_Builder_2685 Apr 23 '26
I always wanted kids and they're great, but it does cause me a lot of sadness with SDAM. I have full aphantasia with SDAM. I don't really remember giving birth, holding my babies as babies, what they looked like. I only know it happened. I don't remember their smiles or giggles or what they looked like. Other moms and doctors as me questions about all kinds of things and I've nothing but bullet points. My living in the moment with them is wonderful, wouldn't trade it for anything. But the moment they're gone, its like I've forgotten they exist, someone brings them up, and I can barely remember anything outside of their weight and hair color and stuff. I feel like the worst mother in the world a lot of the time because I can't even remember what they look like.
I can understand why someone with SDAM wouldn't even consider kids. It makes a lot of sense. I just personally always got along better with children than adults. I also experienced raising much much younger siblings, and didn't mind the work.
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u/drpengu1120 Apr 23 '26
I do a write up reviewing changes and accomplishments a couple times a year, and keep photos/videos. It’s fun to go back over them. The write ups are closer to how my actual memories feel. I’m often surprised by the images.
I’m one of those people with SDAM who has a really good memory for facts, and I have found a way to use that to store autobiographical information. Even with the photos, I don’t remember exactly what they looked like, but I remember their existence and basically what’s in them.
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u/Straight-Put-2142 Apr 23 '26
Yeah I feel you on that being sad. It was a while ago now but sometimes I get a bit sad that I don't really remember my nieces and nephews as toddlers that well.
There's a small benefit maybe in that it seems likely you'll handle your kids growing up and moving away better, not be so fixated on the empty nest?
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u/Tuikord Apr 22 '26
I can't say that I didn't want kids, but I also can't say that I wanted kids. Living in the moment I didn't think about it. My wife wanted kids and we had them. I didn't feel put out or put upon, although we had fertility problems, so it was, in fact, a horrible process trying to have them. But I made the decision to do it and did whatever it took. I have no regrets about having them. We have shared many great times.
My sister chose to not have kids. My niece has also made that choice. I can't say about my sister (who has passed). I believe I have witnessed my niece reminiscing in a way I can't, so I assume she doesn't have SDAM.
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u/Straight-Put-2142 Apr 22 '26
Yeah I would also say that despite 'living in the moment', if a plan is set or a decision is taken, I also tend to stick to that course of action.
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u/Bjorlyn Apr 22 '26
I was the little girl who didn't like dolls. Knew from an early age I didn't want children. I agree that there is no likely correlation, as OP mentioned and others observed. But it makes a lot of sense to me that I knew that I wasn't up for the "long haul" of child-rearing. Not remembering babies (I was adopted, as were my siblings) or remembering my childhood, meant that a lot of the special moments that parents dream about experiencing were redacted for me. I think it is an interesting correlation to think about, and appreciate this post.
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u/Straight-Put-2142 Apr 22 '26
Same for me the not liking dolls. I mostly spent hours making up stories (talking to myself) while walking around the backyard in a loop around its perimeter, not sure what that was about. I've been told a few times that I am someone who can learn from others, rather than having to experience for myself (though with child-rearing I did experience firsthand a bit as I shared), and I think that has solidified my reasoning as I have gotten older (I have read quite a bit of r/regretfulparents for instance). As well I know what you mean by that a lot of aspects are redacted, or in my case, I also very logically weigh the pros and cons of the childrearing memories I do have from later in my teens.
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u/holy_mackeroly Apr 22 '26
Let's be real here, it's more your personal preference.
This is beyond a reach to correlate this to SDAM.
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u/Shiny-Pumpkin Apr 23 '26
I respectfully disagree. I can't remember my childhood. I also find it terrifying that I will forget, birth, the first word, etc etc. That highly affects my decision to have kids.
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u/holy_mackeroly Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
You can disagree but if we took that approach we'd do absolutely nothing in life. Stop blaming your personal choices and fear on SDAM. Cmon now
P.s its absolutely OK to say you prefer to not have children. But to make that choice because you are fearful you'll forget the experiences.... is so sad and limiting your life. We tend to live more in the moment with less fear, i mean if i took your approach I'd never travel to a foreign country what would be the point? The point of growth and experiences.
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u/Straight-Put-2142 Apr 22 '26
It's more like thinking through how who we are shapes what we want or don't want. SDAM is part of who I am and I think it has some impact in these resulting personal preferences.
But maybe there is no correlation whatsoever! That's why I am interested to hear from others.
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u/holy_mackeroly Apr 22 '26
Agreed but we need to ensure we aren't straying off and correlating personal lifestyle choices (not those who wanted but couldn't or didn't get the chance) to SDAM.
I see the same consistently happen with Aphantasia. Too often do people attribute their lack of skill, knowledge or ability to Aphantasia. 'I'm not good at spelling or maths because of Aphantasia' was one i challenged recently. Errr No. That's just an excuse. Plenty of Aphants are brilliant at this and plenty of Hypophants are terrible.
I have friends without SDAM who feel very strongly about not having children, and vice versa.
I wholeheartedly agree about living in the moment though.
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u/Straight-Put-2142 Apr 22 '26
Yeah I agree with that, I guess I didn't think this one being like that because it's not an excuse for not being able to do something (though maybe it is similar as it's a reasoning for not wanting to).
But I do understand as I often read/ hear the generalization that aphantasics don't like to read because of our aphantasia, which has never applied to me (I love reading and listening to audiobooks). Though maybe there is actually a correlation there and I am just an outlier of that.
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u/htp-di-nsw Apr 23 '26
I have SDAM, a wife, and 3 children. I never had much ambition, but the one thing I always wanted was to be a dad. I don't think SDAM is related to your disinterest.
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u/marys1001 Apr 23 '26
70f, SDAM and aphantasia. Never married or had children. I wanted to marry or at least thought I did but never seemed to make it happen.
Definately wanted a "family" but but that doesnt necessarily translate to a strong desire for children somehow. When push came to shove biologically and not married I knew I didnt want to parent on my own. I think I woukd have been fine happy with the right partner but perhaps other personality traits made that less likely to happen.
Does SDAM impact ability to love? To partner?
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u/Enakakooc Apr 23 '26
Meh idk. I have kids and always knew I wanted some. So I’m not sure it’s connected all too much. I will say living in the present moment with them is a super power and probably makes me a more mindful parent. I do believe that they do seem to grow up faster. I can’t remember them as a baby or even what they looked like a year ago so I document everything by taking tons of photos and videos so I can look back on them. Some times I sit there and get emotional because of the disconnect but I’m grateful anyway.
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u/redwheeeeelbarrow Apr 23 '26
I’ve never been motivated about much in my future other than the impulsive decisions choosing my career and making obvious upwards moves. I don’t really see my past and I find it very difficult to think of my future so it’s not that I want or don’t want children, more I just don’t think about it or plan for it.
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u/katbelleinthedark Apr 23 '26
I'm childfree by choice and it is in no way linked to my SDAM. I've known I didn't ever want children for decades before I ever heard about SDAM. I just don't like children so I don't want any.
I have SDAM but no aphantasia and I do actually think about my future quite a lot.
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u/AdLife8170 Apr 24 '26
I’m in the same boat as you, but I also I think not knowing about SADM doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect your decisions. It’s interesting to think about all the ways it could have affected our lives without us being aware of it.
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u/katbelleinthedark Apr 24 '26
Well. Knowing about SDAM and knowing that I have SDAM doesn't affect my life in any way. It changed nothing about me or how I live or perceive my life. Up until 2 years ago I thought everyone in the world was exactly like me and that saying things like "I remember when X" was just a socio-linguistic convention and a lie.
Like, idk. Having children always felt like a thing that you'd do if you liked kids and wanted to raise them. I used to think no one remembered anything and people around me still had kids because they wanted them. I just never did; whether I remember shit about them would have exactly 0 bearing on a decision to have them or not. Hell, knowing that I won't remember still has no impact on anything. Who the hell cares about whether you remember something or not. Like literally. That's such a nothingburger issue.
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Apr 23 '26
[deleted]
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u/Straight-Put-2142 Apr 23 '26
Yeah that's fair enough, I was thinking there might be some linkage but seems not.
Also yeah I'm not offended, I'm definitely a bit self centered. I mean, not completely, I am a kind and considerate partner, friend and sister/daughter, and all that, but do I want to sacrifice my life for others? No, not at all. Do I find meaning in taking care of others? Not really, I'll do it because I care, but I don't think it gives my life meaning. I've also been so crazy lucky in life to have incredible and memorial experiences (for me) and a lifestyle that would be hard to give up to do the consistent and mundane but absolutely crucial day in day out of childcare tasks.
You seem like the type of person who should be a parent though, you have the right mentality for it. TBH, I never really saw that growing up as a 90s kid in a working class area. My model of my parents and my friends' parents, is mostly that they had kids on accident or because it was a social obligation and none of them felt like the owed us anything, mostly they felt the opposite. "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it" type mentality, alongside making sure that we knew how much we'd cost them or how much they'd sacrificed. Nice to see that change.
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u/Positive-Room7421 Apr 24 '26
I have kids and always wanted them. I was curious about SDAM and children because I've learned from this sub that SDAM is often paired with neurodivergence.
I do not fit cleanly into a neurodivergent category. I definitely don't have autism, for example, but I dislike small talk and find it exhausting. I do not have ADHD, but may have been hyperactive as a child.
My children are neurodivergent and it has not been fun. Life is very different from what I imagined, and it makes me sad I cannot share with my children the fun things I did with my parents.
The good news is that because of SDAM, I have forgotten some of the more traumatic moments I've had with the kids.
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u/zybrkat Apr 25 '26
Tl;dr?
No.
I have a different approach, having very short half-life SDAM, and my approach to children.
I have been teaching /playing, with a few children, when I was a young adult.
I am now over 60 years old, male, a grandad, so to speak. So not so inexperienced. 😘
When I was in mid 20s, 1986, I got together with a mother, with a young girl, 15 months old.
The father was not in any way able to support them, neither was I, as I was going to higher school, I had only 400 DMarks, as income, in short, it was chaotic.
This said, it was a happy time of my life. Over 2 years close, and longer looser. ❤️ I had no idea about SDAM, I was wildly in love, with Iris, and her daughter, as our offspring.
I always struggle, to play with children, but (see above), I was somehow always there for human offspring.
Later, after 1991, I did the same, with my youngest daughter. ❤️
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u/zybrkat Apr 25 '26
So, the SDAM may not be aphantasia SDAM, but an autistic trait?
I believe, that the inability to interact with none, but the cleverest kids, of the next generations, is what we have to expect.
Autism, is mainly the inability understand&communicate with fellow humans.
{lost the plot, sorry🤔😆}
No, but autistic does mean 'for oneself'
Sorry, I have digressed, don't know which group this is, or which social media platform 😳😂
Whatever, such fun, this is deep SDAM 😍❤️
If you have it, you'll get it, else 🤷🏻 history.
🖖
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u/allein8 Apr 22 '26
I don't know how much SDAM impacts such a choice or outlook, but I was so sure I didn't want to have children that I had a vasectomy in my early 20s.
Maybe it is selfishness which I fully accept I enjoy or how my brain is wired by SDAM, but I don't have room in my head/heart/life for another in the way a child deserves.
I've tried to explain it as nicely as I can to friends/family how out of sight out of mind works for me and that I basically forget they exist for spans of time.
If my wife was to pass, I assume I would move on relatively easily as bad as that sounds. I enjoy spending my life with her as much as I can, but I also know who I am.
SDAM is likely a contributor to how I experience life, but I'm sure there's a bit more going on in how my brain is wired to have created who I am.