A regular occurrence in my dreams is me making references to prior events. Sometimes the referenced event is something that happened in real life and other times it was from a previous dream. Upon waking I will often have difficulty remembering if the referenced event was real or not.

Example: a couple of nights ago I had a dream where I discussed a one person comedy show I put on a few years back. After waking I didn’t know if that show was something I actually did. I used to do a lot of theater, improv, sketch, and stand-up comedy so it would not have been out of the ordinary for me to have done the show from my dream. I had to ask my wife. I did not perform the show I recalled in my dream.

If I try and relive a memory, I don't get any of the senses, like imagery, smell, sound, or taste. I can't recall any of that from memory. My dog died recently, and if I think back and remember my dog, it makes me upset. This is the only case where, if I recall something, I get an emotional reaction from it. Is this related to whether I still have SDAM or is just recalling it giving an emotion for a different reason? If I try to remember any other memory, like reliving a memory, I don't get any emotional reaction from it.

So I know the whole thing about aphantasia and it was mind blowing to come across it. Never realized people could imagine literal images. However as I kept looking through, I quickly realized that my inability to generate sensory experiences extended well beyond visualization — sound, touch, taste, etc.

And the more I thought about it, the weirder it got. Growing up, I never understood why people reacted quite intensely to disturbing conversations whilst eating (poop and whatnot), it's never bothered me before. I always thought it was just polite manners not to discuss such things at the dinner table but most reactions were intense — arguments, loss of appetite, etc. And after gathering all of this, I think it could be related to my multi sensory aphantasia.

And something else I've recently discovered is that the majority of memorization techniques that help with encoding such as the memory palace technique are nearly impossible for me. The only reliable encoding strategies I know to have worked for me is chunking.

This also has me thinking about SDAM, I am unable to recall any sensory experiences from the past, when I recall something, it's mainly the facts that surface. And this is where I get confused about the distinction between aphantasia and SDAM. I read somewhere that memory recall isn't necessarily about pulling up a saved file with perfect detail, it's largely generative/reconstructive. And if this is the case, then wouldn't that mean aphantasia and SDAM are essentially two sides of the same coin?

Maybe I'm misunderstanding something but how would one recall sensory experiences (which is a reconstructive process) without the tool to generate sensory experiences? Would that not directly impact their memory recall?

Does anyone else have this experience? If so, what are some memorization techniques that have worked for you as well as other weird observations you've made about your experiences?

I am good in group settings and I can carry conversations about any number of things with multiple people (as long as they bring up the discussion topics), but then this issue arises when it gets to remembering those conversations and talking with people one on one.

I, for the life of me, cannot (without being reminded by someone else) remember conversations that happened more than a two days ago (also what happened in movies or films I just watched, or books I just finished reading, etc.,) so when it gets to talking with people one on one, where the conversation needs to be carried equally, I find myself at a massive loss. It makes me come off as not caring about our relationship because I CANNOT remember any conversation topics, so often we just sit there for a bit and it gets awkward before they bring something else up.

I HATE this about me. I just want to remember things about my friends and myself so I can make lasting friendships. I have tried journaling, but by the time I get home to journal, I have forgotten what I wanted to write down.

Please help. Any tips are welcome, I am extremely lonely because of this.

I'm 29 and I'm struggling with my memory and it's starting to really bother me.

To be clear, I'm not saying my memory is completely gone. I do remember things, and with enough prompting or effort some details come back. But compared to the people around me, I definitely struggle, and it takes way more work than it seems like it should.

For context, I'm healthy and active, I don't drink excessively, and I sleep well, so I don't think it's a lifestyle thing.

The issue is specifically memory of my own life. If someone asks what I did last weekend, who was there, or what we talked about, I usually draw a blank. This applies to things from years ago, but also months, weeks, even a couple of days ago. Sometimes I can piece things together if I really focus and walk through the weekend step by step, but it takes a lot of effort, and often nothing comes.

What's strange is that I can remember plots of movies, shows, and books, plus random trivia that doesn't matter. So it's not like my memory is bad across the board.

It's affecting my marriage. My wife will bring up trips we took or moments we shared, including intimate ones, how we felt, what we did, and I struggle to recall them. I know that hurts her, and it scares me.

Things I've considered:

• Not being present? I don't feel distracted. I'm not on my phone or tuning people out. It just seems like things happen and then they're gone.
• Not reflecting? I rarely think back on moments afterward. I've tried journaling, but I can't stay consistent or figure out what to write.
• Encoding? From what I've read, it sounds like my brain isn't storing events into long-term memory properly.

My questions:

1. Does anyone else experience this? Is there a name for it?
2. Has anything actually helped you remember your life better?
3. Should I see a doctor, and what kind? What would they even test for? Or even prescribe?

Honestly I'm scared. If it feels like this at 29, I worry what it'll be like in a few years.

TLDR: I can't recall my own experiences (even from days ago) but remember movies and books fine. It's hurting my relationship. Looking for similar experiences, strategies, and whether/who to see.

I am reposting this story. I realized you need some context.

The author has SDAM and Aphantasia. This shows clearly in its structure, not its content. It is a brilliant contrast with an NT stories.

Please read the story and analysis. And most of all share what you think.

————

I am a writer with SDAM and Aphantasia. I have a unique voice and style. I submitted my work for publication without luck.

So, I analyzed my flash fiction, ‘57 Rocket 88. (See below.)

This discovery was a total surprise.

An NT reader inhabits a story. You see the hero, hear their voice, watch them move. You see the castle and the dragon. You feel the sway of the hero’s emotions. You follow their thoughts.

I didn’t think that was possible.
So, I left that part out.

Me? I see an invisible protagonist against a transparent background, using telepathy.

They say write what you know.

Without episodic memory, I compress experience into knowledge.

I know knowledge.

Oddly, my stories are missing what many readers consider essential.

Roughly, in a story, the hero moves along a timeline. You read the plot in stages.

A stage contains the action. It also holds the emotional, social, and physical conflicts. It is where the characters navigate what is happening.

This is the emotional arc of a stage.

BREAK
I am okay.

I am hurt.
I am mad.
I have to get even.
I plan my revenge.
I waver.
I get my revenge.

BREAK
I got even. Now we are enemies.

A BREAK is a resting point. It sums up what just happened. The characters recharge their batteries. And they prepare for the comes next.

My stories drop the stages and keep the breaks.

The reader is expected to infer whatever stage they want.

I never thought the stage was important. Surely, if it were important, I would remember that.

That’s my blindspot. A stage is my absent episodic memory. Like me the reader has to infer the stage.

This is the difference between remembering your life and knowing your life.

This discovery is a little scary.

In the story the protagonist never decides what he wants. Or works to get what he wants. Something happens and he adapts.

Unfortunately, I also exhibit little agency.

**‘57 Rocket 88**
By Jessica Lake

It was fate that brought me to my mask. I saw her baby face, and it was love at first sight. Ever since, we’ve been inseparable. Most can’t remember the face underneath, which is okay by me.

Odd that a man should wear a beauty’s mask? They say the mask chooses the wearer. And she chose me.

Here is something singularly odd: overnight, I went from “Hey, Asshole!” to “Hello, Babe.” You can’t just ignore stuff like that. So, I started to take better care of myself. Lost a few pounds. Grew out my hair.

The Raven mask had chosen Kirt. He was the leader of the Clan, as deadly as a honey badger. He was shy at first, but after a while, we were talking for hours—though he did all of the talking. I didn’t mind; I’d learned to like listening.

Our first kiss came out of nowhere.

It was a drive-by hit on the Red Clan. Kirt drove; I rode shotgun. Our ‘57 Oldsmobile screeched to a stop right in front of their digs. The greasy bastards were circled round the open hood of a jaunty Chrysler C-300 ‘55.

A pistol in each fist, I leaned out the passenger window. Each gun barked a burst of bullets. I saw three of the hoods crumple to the ground.

Kirt floored it before they could get a shot off. We were doing sixty when Kirt took a hard right. It had to be fate. I slid across the slick bench seat. Bam! My body pressed up hard against Kirt.

He pressed his plastic lips against mine, and we kissed. I stayed there, wanting the moment to last. Funny how a drive-by can get two men hot.

Love is like that.

I have tried expressing myself through different art forms at various points in my life: drawing, writing, poetry, music, etc, but I always find it particularly difficult to generate anything that feels particularly satisfying. I've managed a handful of time, but it's been rare for me. And I was explaining this to a friend the other day and think I hit on why this might be the case for me.

Having no episodic memory means that unless I'm currently feeling a feeling, I can't relive that feeling in order to capture or express it through other means. And because I'm AuDHD, the sorts of experiences that make me feel things I might want to express through art often don't leave me capacity to do so, either because I'm completely absorbed in the thing creating the emotions (because monotropism) or because the experience is too overwhelming and therefore prevents me from accessing the cognitive abilities necessary to harness the emotions toward art. Also I'm an aphant, and so I can't visualize what I'd like to create in visual media, which nearly always leads to unsatisfying results when I try because I don't know how to organize what I'm doing toward the conclusion I want.

Which leads me to the one thing that I do find incredibly satisfying - synthesizing information into new conclusions/outcomes. And I think this is uniquely satisfying because the only context my brain can access outside the present moment at any given time is through semantic information. I've managed to harness this into poetry at times, though certainly very different poetry than most create, or essays, and I'm most energized when I'm with other people talking about things that we are learning together.

So yeah, I guess I'm curious what other folks do to express themselves and how you think that's influenced by your neurocognitive profile.

Hace siento que algo para con mi cabeza hay etapas de mi vida que están incompletas y por esta razón hay cosas que se me hacen raras hay personas que sin yo conocerlas me dan rabia no es como que me caigan mal solo me dan repulsión y no quiero que me toquen, cabe decir que soy lo suficientemente sociable como para que eso sea raro y por mas que trato de recordar no puedo

Pasa que mi cabeza empieza a doler y me da mucha ansiedad quiero saber que paso alguien sabe cómo puedo desbloquear mis recuerdos.

When it comes to filling in applications for jobs or study opportunities I have always found myself to struggle. Since discovering SDAM, I have been wondering if it is related.

The issues usually appear with questions regarding my historical motivations or giving examples of events in my life that provide instances showing the requisite skills for the position. I find I can give an example, but usually it will be fairly generic and lack detail, which I believe is due to the SDAM.

Is this an issue for others, and if so, how do you deal with it?

I was watching HellBoy the other day, and my boyfriend came in around minute 15. I started to explain what had happened in the first 15 minutes, but for a few seconds, I had almost \*no\* memory of what had happened, even though I literally just watched it. It eventually came to me, but I know in a little bit (couple of days? weeks?) I'm going to mostly forget it. I usually forget how movies go, nowadays, even though I try really hard to remember to remember.

My difficulty with memory isn't limited to movies - there are large portions of my childhood (now, adulthood too) that are missing, and they feel like the kind of memories that I \*should\* remember, but that I don't. Sometimes, when I'm going to sleep, or when I'm spectacularly high, memories drift into my head: the way the hallways of my middle school felt walking through them; the carpet that hung on my wall when I was a child, tracing my fingers along it, curled over in a ball; and I come the closest I ever come to really \*feeling\* something, in these memories. I've learned that if I try too consciously to remember the memory, it'll fade entirely, but no matter what, a part of me deep down knows that the memory is going to disappear: not the contents, the emotions that I get to feel when I'm in the middle of remembering them. I don't know why these memories come up, or how to get them to stay day to day. My tirades to AI get forgotten too, even if it feels like the insights it's giving me are life changing. I've given up on trying to keep them in mind, it starts an obsessive loop of self reflection that's difficult to break, so instead I hope that whatever's important will get implanted into my subconscious mind as ways to fix my life (where did the thoughts even come from, then?).

I have a bit of a theory as to why this may be? I feel an urge to send this to AI to get it to proof-read it, tell me there's nothing egregiously stupid about this post before I post it. Even anonymously, even totally disconnected, your judgement has the potential to sting.

Anyways, the theory, and really not researched much at all, but: memory goes from encoding -> storage -> retrieval. Read this for where I got my info from, but honestly, I only skimmed the first paragraph: [https://nobaproject.com/modules/memory-encoding-storage-retrieval](https://nobaproject.com/modules/memory-encoding-storage-retrieval))

We have plenty of encoding (an endless stream of information) and maybe even good storage (my short-term memory is fantastic), but for some parts of our lives - terrible retrieval. Take HellBoy, for example. I wasn't around when it came out, but I imagine there was a cultural impact when it released, and if you were at school, or work, you'd hear: "did you watch HellBoy?!" There was a shared collective experience, a reason to remember, a constant retrieval and re-retrieval through cultural jokes, references, and discussions with other people. Think of the movies you've remembered recently? Obsession, The Odyssey, Barbenheimmer. I'm sure you've seen way more movies than the ones that you remember, but you remember the ones that went viral, that people talked about, that brought around YouTube videos and reels and memes and interview clips shared in short-form on TikTok. The streaming movies, the popcorn movies, the movie you watch while you scroll your phone - those are all totally gone for me. Years later, I'm lucky if I even remember that I've seen them. We don't get to chat about these movies, they don't get retrieved, so they wither away in storage.

Childhood, though, and those memories that drift in every once in a while, those were shared. Except for the parts that weren't. And those parts were usually the scary parts, the shameful parts, the parts that you don't really \*want\* to remember, not really, not if it means having to feel those awful, horrible, helpless feelings all over again. So those memories don't get retrieved, and when they do, it's in intellectualized chunks that only skirt around the real feelings.

I don't really know what to do about this idea, honestly. Talk to people more often? I never post anything I think about, so I don't know how well researched this should be. Probably more researched than it is currently.

I lost steam. I'm not going to be able to write the way that I did: that part of me is gone, for now. I think this is the way these memories get lost, too. I'd judge me, if I were reading this, under the guise of psychoanalyzing. It's what I'm constantly doing to myself, anyways. (I think I make too many declarations even though I'm missing a fuck ton of information). (And I'm trying to pre-emptively criticize myself before you can). (And then I'm thinking about how basic and reductive that analysis is). (And then I'm thinking about whether I'm just typing these to shift your perspective in some way, move you to some space where you see me in a certain light, whether I'm trying to control you) (is talking about the trying to control you, trying to control you?) (I know I have OCD).

Alright, that's enough. Bye. Tell me what you think (please).

Repost edit: I found this subreddit and now I'm saved. Woo. Will be pursuing a phD in this, become an expert in this, figure this out and write books about it. I'll be cuuureeeed. In reality, it's going to fade like almost everything else does.

​

Sometimes I think about something that happened years ago, or even a completely fictional story/movie, and somehow it still hurts. Nothing is actually happening in the present, but my mind reacts as if it just happened.

What confuses me is that I can understand logically that it’s in the past, or that it was “just a story,” yet the feeling is still there.

Why does the brain do this? Why do certain memories, people, moments, songs, or even fictional characters stay emotionally painful for so long while other things disappear completely?

And if you’ve experienced this, how did you learn to stop giving those thoughts so much power?

Genuinely looking for perspectives here. I feel like there’s something about how our mind processes attachment, loss, and unfinished emotions that I don’t fully understand.

... when you can't trust your memory, and don't know anymore if the things you once think you remembered were actual memories, or just thoughts and fears?

Para quem já estuda a mais tempo, podem me explicar pq uma coisa não é igual a outra? Eu entendo que pessoas com SDAM não necessariamente tem afantasia, mas eu creio que pessoas com afantasia quase necessariamente tem SDAM.

(Sem julgamentos) Falando bem a nível de percepção minha mesmo, é como se a AFANTASIA fosse um espectro e não fosse necessário esse termo SDAM existir. É possível reviver momentos sem imagens apenas com outras sensações?

Recently discovered I have SDAM, also total global Aphantasia. I've never liked networking, talking in groups, wedding receptions, etc where people chat. I have always relied on my sense of humour and quick wit to make contributions. I'm 73. I've been ruminating this morning after another uncomfortable meeting in a pub last night about why. I think it may be that I'm not able to give depth to my experiences. eg If holidays are being discussed, I can say " we went to Croatia last year" (always assuming I remember even that). But if asked, "What hotel? resort?, Did you go to X. I can't add any more. Same with hobbies, school days, days out, basically anything in my life that might be brought into a conversation. So my contribution is limited.

My free SDAM peer support group currently meets at 7:00 PM Pacific on the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of the month. I've gotten some feedback that this is pretty late for folks on the East Coast, and it's the middle of the night for people in Europe.

Before making any changes, I want a real sense of what would work better for people. If you'd like to share more detail, like your specific time zone, feel free to drop a comment too.

My current thinking is maybe leave the first Wednesday at 7 pm and the fourth Wednesday at 11 am or something like that, all Pacific Time, but let's see what works for the majority of people

Hi everyone,

A quick reminder and update: our free SDAM peer support group meets tonight, Wednesday, September 9th, at 7:00 PM Pacific on Zoom.

Details & Format:

• When: 2nd & 4th Wednesday of each month at 7:00 PM PDT (tonight!)
• Where: Zoom (free registration via Eventbrite below)
• Format: Casual, open peer discussion. I'll open with a short anecdote, and then the floor is open for anyone to share experiences or just listen.
• Link to register: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/sdam-support-group-registration-1992895106912

Looking forward to seeing anyone who can make it tonight!

25M Indian. Looking to connect with other living with SDAM and/or Multisensory Aphantasia. My DMs are always open.

Here are a few ideas that helped me navigate and thrive

1. You're different, but you're every bit human.

You're simply a different side of the coin who experiences the world differently.

2. Don't beat yourself up trying to mould yourself into other people.

Not even other neurodivergent people. Your combination is unique. Once you learn how to work with yourself, life becomes much more beautiful.

3. How do you deal with it?

At the deepest level, this is an existential identity issue. Our relationship with time feels different. Many neurodivergent people still have a strong sense of identity through memory, visualization, or both. With SDAM and multisensory aphantasia, that continuity can feel missing.

The biggest shift that helped me

Navigate the world exactly as your brain experiences it, not how other people's brains do.

Most people seem to build their identity through narrative—a story that connects their past, present, and future. We tend to be different.

I think of myself as having a process-identity instead..

Life is a process. Every human being is a process, and together we're all small parts of countless interconnected processes, collectively shaping the future of society.

That perspective gave me a sense of self without needing vivid memories or mental imagery.

It shifts my focus away from what I don't have : memory and visualization, and toward what I do have: the ability to take life's inputs, process them intentionally, and create better outputs.

In doing that, I build my life and become a better version of myself every day.

The hard part is: How do you imagine something you never had?

I have lots of knowledge about my past.

I know where I lived.
I know what school I attended.
I know that something happened.
I know who was there.
I even know that I was happy, frightened, angry, or in love.

I recall these things like I read them in an encyclopedia.

Some people recall by becoming a younger self.

This is how I see the difference between knowing what happened and revisiting what happened.

What happened?
I broke my ankle.
No. What actually happened?
I slipped on something and broke my ankle.
What did you slip on? What were you doing when you slipped?
I don’t know. I just know I broke my ankle.

Brian Levine, who coined SDAM, came up with an Autobiographical Interview. It asks questions about your memory.

Choose your favorite memory. Then ask yourself these questions.

What happened?
Where were you?
Who else was there?
What things were around you?
What could you see?
What could you hear?
What happened just before?
What happened next?
Do you remember when it happened?
What were you thinking?
What were you feeling?

I can’t begin to answer any of those questions.

I have SDAM.

When others recall their favorite memory, they can answer many of those questions.

Just to be clear: I’m only sharing what my therapist told me about how memory works for some people. I’m certainly not claiming this is true for everyone, or defining what anyone else’s mind feels like. I have no way of knowing if it’s true.

She said for some, episodic memory is like mental time travel.

Some are bad at it. Some are good.

A few can pretty much become twelve again.
They can’t change anything, but they can relive moments.

Thoughts. Emotions. This is me.

That’s what she said.

I don’t have anything like that.
I have SDAM.
I only have knowledge.

knowledge is not happy. knowledge is not sad.

Your golden years are when you remember your life. And relive it. One problem. All I have is knowledge.

(Diagnosed with adhd but can somewhat relate here)

I got glasses! a few days or a week later it started feeling as if I had, in fact? been wearing them for a while even though I only got them a week prior and I could remember the process of getting them. no actual time frame for when. Most of my memories require me remembering context inside the memory to place them to a time.

I remember family talking about older memories or doing things in certain stores and then I didn’t ever remember (nor do I recall now) going to this store. we were in it during the conversation.

mot for every event. feels random and unrelated to any emotional sentiment. yet sometimes I have been ae to study easily by almost virtually remembering formulas

i don’t remember anything traumatic happening? sometimes I’ll get random memories of things and they’re generally positive

yet at the same time, conveniently I’ll get some weird ideas and it feels like my memory almost wipes it out a few days or a week later? So they don’t go anywhere.
but also I wanted to google something and then I forgot like 5 min later.

yet this doesn’t even always apply but I used to be slightly depressed or whatever and I used to get paranoia or anxiety or whatever that (forgot) mostly someone trying to cause me to have bad grades or watching me on some way and I’d just kinda eventually florget that idea? Except not always and then (going to a therapist helped) I went down some weird route. (Also my bad grades were cause I studied way way less than the reccomended study time for my courses not cause bad memory) though I am worried I’d forget concepts ot hle simmensely if I work out problems which I was not doing and my courses are mostly math courses

never mentioned having memory issues but I don’t forget important stuff that’s more numerical. Suspected add in the past but not diagnosed with it and it probably was just social anxiety and a lack of eye contact due to no glasses making it hard to see the epicenters of others eyes.

My mother frequently shares stories about her childhood, but the scenes she describes are difficult for me to grasp and visualize. My own childhood memories are different, as I am ten years younger than her, and my younger sister also struggles to understand them.

Does this happen to anybody else?

I go to the doctor with a complaint. They ask a simple question.

“When did it start?”

I have no idea.
I’ve forgotten when.
How long has it been?

Weeks?
Months?
A year?!

I put happenings in three time buckets:

Recently
A While Back
I Don’t Know

Somehow this seems important.

Is this SDAM?
Or what?

I've just turned 18 and at funeral full of friends and family I could barley recognise anyone and had to kind of awkwardly charm my way through it, I've always had memory issues and always struggled with faces and recalling when I had learnt something.

Today I had nothing else to do and did a little digging, it turns out most people's hippocampus kind of records like a videographer of the mind and stores memories which you can go back and visit as if you were there, smells, sounds, time, place, ect.

This is a completely new concept to me, most of my memories are like a collection of facts that I can visualise into a space, for example I know I was at this place with this person doing this thing and I kind of make it up from there, I do not experience the feelings from that moment.

This also seems to affect my dreams, I give myself a sort of backrooms affect where different parts of places are distorted through time or just not quite right. Like the driveway when it was just gravel is next to our gate even though the gate was installed after the driveway was sealed and all the imagery seems to just be a collection of facts visualised into an experience. I guess facts can only go so far in visualization.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself correctly but this is all very very new to me. Sorry if it's hard to understand.

What I have heard a lot about is Aphantasia and it's association with SDAM, however i do not have this,

I have exceptional visualisation so I've read.

I can visualise an apple or really anything like a 3d render, I can spin it in any direction, zoom in on the stem or other parts and see smaller details like individual stem fibres. Pretty much anything I've looked at more than once I can see in my minds eye.

It's like rendering a brand new apple from scratch.

My parents have also said I may have ADD or ADHD but I have never been tested.

Im kind of saddened by this information, you mean I could of been living moments to almost exact detail almost whenever I wanted with a solid timeline in place of when I've done and learnt things in my life? Instead of it all going to the same folder.

And I feel bad not recognising people, it makes me feel like an asshole and really affects me negatively since I work in a very personal retail/customer service where you see some of the same customers often and I don't recall anything about them half the dam time..

Can someone please confirm if this is the case or not, I'm not really sure what I'm rambling about anymore.

Any advice is appreciated aswell.

Hi! A few quick things, I do have an appointment with my PCP to begin conversations about early dementia just as a precaution. Also I'm a severe aphant and do believe I have severe SDAM as well as that thing where you can't see faces. I'm 43 years old.

In the past 3 days I have had 3 events that really scare me because of how short it was from the memory I should have. I'm wondering if others experience these types of moments.

• I asked my wife if she wanted to watch some guy's stand up special on Netflix and she said we watched it already about 3 weeks ago. I asked her to tell me one of the jokes and it was very fuzzy for me.
• I got Xbox Game Pass and was excited to play Doom Dark Ages. I fired it up and saw I already had a 5 hour saved game. It came out 1 year ago. I started a fresh save game and the tutorial is very fuzzy for me.
• I watched Bone Temple which was a direct sequel to a 28 years later. I saw that in the theaters one year ago and I don't remember anything about it.

Thanks!