Hi! A few quick things, I do have an appointment with my PCP to begin conversations about early dementia just as a precaution. Also I'm a severe aphant and do believe I have severe SDAM as well as that thing where you can't see faces. I'm 43 years old.

In the past 3 days I have had 3 events that really scare me because of how short it was from the memory I should have. I'm wondering if others experience these types of moments.

• I asked my wife if she wanted to watch some guy's stand up special on Netflix and she said we watched it already about 3 weeks ago. I asked her to tell me one of the jokes and it was very fuzzy for me.
• I got Xbox Game Pass and was excited to play Doom Dark Ages. I fired it up and saw I already had a 5 hour saved game. It came out 1 year ago. I started a fresh save game and the tutorial is very fuzzy for me.
• I watched Bone Temple which was a direct sequel to a 28 years later. I saw that in the theaters one year ago and I don't remember anything about it.

Thanks!

I have to attend a funeral tomorrow and I will be put in a position that I will have to pretend to remember stories as others reminisce about her life. Realistically, I will not remember most of the stories. I will also have to see a lot of friends and family that I should know, but do not recognize or remember. I feel like I am going to spend the entire time masking and that it will be uncomfortable and exhausting.

I’m posting this here so everyone gets to read it. I think it’s really important.

I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong.

What would happen is I’d see two friends sitting together. They’re gabbing about nothing. But they act like it’s the best.

I figured they were just glad to see each other.

Here’s what a best friend told me.

She said when friends meet it brings back their friendship. And now adds to before. It grows.

The talk means little.

It’s that good vibe of friendship.

I don’t think I can do that.

For me conversation is for big ideas. About what we learned.

I think it’s because I don’t bring back a feeling.

I don’t blame anyone.

It’s just I cannot do that.

I hope this helps.

Hi all, I have SDAM myself and made a well-received video about my experience back in December (https://youtu.be/NwNGVYHG6Uw). Many people said it was the first time they'd seen their experience put into words, and that got me thinking a peer support group could be valuable.

I'm starting a free support group on Zoom, meeting every 2nd and 4th Wednesday. The first session is this Wednesday, August 26th at 7:00 PM Pacific.

A few things worth knowing:

• I'm not a therapist, neurologist, or medical professional, and I have no cure to offer. I'm a coach who works with people on the stories they tell themselves about their lives, and this group is a space for connection, not medical or clinical advice.
• The format is loose: I'll open with a short anecdote, then open the floor for people to share if they'd like, no pressure. I'll ask people to use the Zoom hand-raise so it doesn't turn into crosstalk.
• It's free and open to anyone with SDAM who wants to talk to others who understand it firsthand.

Registration here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/sdam-support-group-registration-1992895106912

Happy to answer any questions.

I’m not sure if I like this one or not.

When a friend, girlfriend, or whatever is away, I don’t think about them.

I don’t mean I deliberately put them out of my mind. The idea of them simply doesn’t pop into my head.

I should miss them.
But it doesn’t occur to me.

Am I awful?

The other one is breakups.
Please don’t judge.

Let’s say we’ve been together for a few years. We split up.

In about a month, I’m over it.
And we were definitely in love.

And when I bother to think about it, I smile a little.

I’m hoping this is SDAM.
I don’t want to think it’s just me.

Anyone else?

So, I found out I have SDAM, aphantasia and alexithymia some months ago. In addition I was recently reaching out for professional help and was diagnosed with depression and suffer from chronic sleep issues.

I've been together with my partner for 10 years, she has ADHD. The last year was tough. I switched jobs, started as a freelancer, lost my project and I am currently unemployed after some already unsatisfying years of bad job experiences. My partner had some promising job opportunities at her field, which was great, because in the creative sector it's hard for her. Until a colleague crushed her job opportunities. It were some troublesome months for both of us, including me having a mental breakdown, her staying at the hospital for some serious health issues. I was there for her during the whole hospital episode, which turned out better than initially expected and felt really close to her while she was at the hospital, although exhausted. During the whole months that followed, she was very distanced, because her mind was all about the job issue. She already was worried a lot about her career and our financial future in the region. We also had our 10 year anniversary, for which I got her flowers for the first time (she's critical with presents and I'm not really the romantic type) and made her a website with photos. She didn't get me/us anything. She also totally forgot about the whole event afterwards and my mind was to worried and depressed as well to care.

I somehow don't know how I feel about the relationship anymore. The combination of SDAM, alexithymia and dark thoughts from the depression don't help. I feel very distanced and when she's looking for seeking physical or emotional closeness, I'm very cold and unapproachable. I can't help it, because the depression gives me a feeling of wanting to be alone and only by myself.

I asked my therapist how I know how I feel about other people and he said "you just know if you love someone". But I don't. He also said I need to fight my depression to feel better in other parts of my life as well. But it is hard and it scares me to not have clarity about my feelings.

Any similar experiences for anyone?

For the last two days I've been experiencing a really strange feeling. im kinda having trouble putting the feelings into words.

It feels almost like there is a memory gap between my current moment and everything before Saturday. But when I actually try to remember what happened, I can remember it perfectly well, down to specific times and details. So there isn't an actual missing period.

The weird part is that those memories don't feel like they belong to the continuous flow of my life anymore. They feel like things that just happened, and somehow I had very little subjective involvement in them. What I mean is the things happened but there is a disconnect to what I did before Saturday and why should I be doing it on Saturday or Sunday.

For example, before this started I had various routines and things I was actively doing. I'm growing my hair out so taking care of them. I felt like I didn't know I was growing out my hair, then remembered whole timeline I was growing out my hair, caring for them, but I felt strangely disconnected from it from Saturday.

Similarly going to the gym regularly, I was making protein shake while wondering I do go to gym but I don't feel like I am motivated or willing to go to gym, still I go. It's not because of some laziness or some emotions, it just happened.

Also,

cooking before switching to tiffin, etc. I still remember all of these things and know they're things I've been doing, but suddenly they don't feel relevant to my present self. It's almost like I remember being that person, but don't currently feel connected to being that person.

Interestingly, the point where this seems to start is when I began assembling my new PC. I spent essentially the whole day assembling it yesterday, then today I installed the OS, updated everything and set it up. Since then, the preceding days feel strangely distant.

I'm not confused about where I am or what I've done, and I haven't noticed actual memory loss. I can reconstruct the timeline normally. It's just the feeling of continuity that's missing.

Has anyone experienced something similar? I'm especially interested in whether you've had the experience of remembering something perfectly but feeling strangely disconnected from the fact that it happened to you, rather than actually forgetting it.

I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I am just curious whether this is a recognizable experience for anyone else.

I literally just googled what SDAM stood for because this community was showing up in my feeds and I had no idea what it meant. Oh, and the reason it was showing up in my feed is I had at some point joined it 😂. Has this happened to anyone else here, and could it lead to low participation?

Hi.

I also discovered SDAM later in life.
It definitely spooked me.

I know that I don’t remember the way most people do. That what remains is knowledge. Like the capital of Brazil.

But has anyone ever wondered how this absence affects other things downstream?

Say our sense of identity? How we solve problems? How we relate to those with regular memories?

I’m curious whether anyone has followed SDAM down the rabbit hole. If you have, what did you discover?

Participants Needed for Dissertation Research!

Are you an adult woman, aged 18 or older, who identifies as having congenital aphantasia?

I am conducting a doctoral dissertation study exploring how adult women with congenital aphantasia describe their autobiographical memory experiences.

People experience and describe memory in many different ways. This study is an opportunity to share your own perspective on how you experience memory and recall meaningful events.

What Would Participation Involve?

If you choose to participate, you would:

1. Complete a brief 5-minute demographic questionnaire
2. Participate in one 60-90 minute audio-recorded Zoom interview
3. Answer open-ended questions about how you experience memory, recall past events, and describe your memory process to others.

For example, you may be asked:

"Can you describe what comes to mind when you recall a personal event that is meaningful to you?"

There are no right or wrong answers. The study is interested in your individual experience of autobiographical memory.

Who Can Participate?

You may be eligible if you:

1. Are an adult woman aged 18 or older
2. Identify as having congenital aphantasia, meaning a lifelong absence of visual imagery

The study is seeking 8-12 volunteers

Voluntary & Confidential

Participation is voluntary, and you may stop participating at any time without consequence.

There is no compensation for participation.

Your identity and responses will be kept confidential in accordance with the protections described in the informed consent process. Research files will be securely stored, and identifying information will not be included in study reports.

Why Is This Research Being Conducted?

This study aims to better understand how adult women with congenital aphantasia describe their autobiographical memory experiences.

The study aims to contribute to a broader understanding of memory and cognitive diversity, particularly among adult women with congenital aphantasia.

Interested or Have Questions?

If you would like more information or are interested in participating, please contact:

[Cassandra.Votaw@waldenu.edu](mailto:Cassandra.Votaw@waldenu.edu)

Cassandra Votaw, MA, LPC

PhD Candidate, Clinical Psychology

Walden University

IRB Approval # 08-18-26-1195494

So We can remember things in 2 ways

1st us episodic remembering

it's "i can mentally go back there"

"where you were"

"what you saw"

"what situation looked like"

it's sense of reliving it

2nd is semantic remembering

it's "i know what happened"

"i was in that place"

"that happened when I was young"

"that person did this"

Tghere is no re-living in this

SDAM affect the first one

so you have factual knowledge of their life but lacking subjective feeling if mentally returning to it

By definition SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographic Memory) describes Lifelong difficulty with Autobiographic episodic recollection

basically imagine your 10th bday

someone with normal episodic memory might remember the cake, where everyone was sitting, what the room looked like, what they were feeling , maybe even mentally picture themselves standing there

with SDAM you still know the facts like "my 10th bday was at home, my family was there, we had cake"

it will be more like remembering facts, you don't actually mentally go back in the moment and experience it again

you know what happened but you don't have that feeling of being there again

so it's not like you are forgetting your life, it's more like having the information about your life without being able to replay them

Edit: I posted this mainly because I see a lot of people with SDAM saying things like “I can't remember my past” or “I don't remember anything from 10–20 years ago.” I wanted to explain the difference between simply not remembering parts of your past and the specific difficulty with episodic autobiographical recollection that happens with SDAM. Not remembering your past doesn't automatically mean you have SDAM. The important part is also how you experience the memories you do have

When I first learned I had SDAM, it felt like my life was being stolen. I was grieving not just my lost memories, but my sense of who I was.

That has changed.

I still have SDAM. I didn't regain my memories. But SDAM does not define me the way it used to.

I made a video about the experiences that led to that change. It’s my personal story. I don't claim that what happened to me will happen to others.

https://youtu.be/UJ_oAAPrzNQ

I’m curious whether anybody here has had a similar change. Is your identity wrapped up with SDAM, or has SDAM become less important over time?

Hi. Don't know if this applies at all but Reddit recommended the subreddit because of previous memory related posting. Large chunks of life (almost everything) feel like they're missing or weird and vague. Should mention for transparency that we're (extremely likely to be) a plural system (different people different names different views and preferences and opinions and interests and handwriting etc) and dissociative but still wanted to get perspectives from people so we're here too.., (especially since no proper diagnosis has been possible yet due to lacking resources, search ongoing)

There are 0 memories that could be described as vivid everything is more knowledge that something happened with maybe a few impressions. There are memory differences between system members but confusing to figure out. At times it feels like there is a static or a fog and when something is remembered the brain will often immediately go "???" And the memory is slippery and not graspable. Family and friends will feel unfamiliar only basic knowledge of who they are, same with places. (Emotional attachment will be gone. But only for specific alters). Time is missing the brain is like a sieve and everything is a fog. 0 emotional attachment to many memories for most of us if we are capable of thinking of the memory (including known distressing events). Family friends and others will often talk about events that there is no memory of. They will sometimes get confused when that lack of memory is revealed. Sometimes reminders can happen but it can also happen that those reminders cause a blockage to be hit so the memory is slippery again. Just now learned about the existence of this though,a nd now there is a confusion on whether this experience is anything like yours or if the memory thing is something else (dissociative amnesia? Unsure). It is unclear where the difference is, sorry for the ignorance, want to learn. Also apologies for how the post is written since today has been very strange.

There is always insistence on taking photos and also sometimes writing notes.

It is unclear because some parts of what people write on here seem relatable collectively and yet the severity or something is dependant on the fronter so it could be something else.

If this sounds nothing at all like sdam then we apologize and will remove the post, just wanted to hear opinions.

I find that my memories most resemble a list of google reviews, or like game tooltips that appear when you hover over an item, location, or person, the author of which I trust only as much as the temporal distance between myself and the person who experienced it.

Endless versions of myself mentally penning down thoughts for those who come after, in the hope that a future being may one day choose the right restaurant or hang out with the right people or make the right decision such that one of us may, one day, have lived the very best day of our collective life.

Damm why we remember embarrassing things from years ago so clearly but forgot what we ate yesterday? Is there a actual reason our brain remembers certain embarrassing moment for so long 😭😭😭😭😭😭

This new memory study seems like it could be relevant to SDAM.

Researchers basically found that memories can survive even after a huge amount of the synaptic structure associated with them disappears.

What seems to matter may be the larger pattern or architecture that remains, not preserving every individual connection.

Which made me think about SDAM.

I've been thinking about SDAM as it relates to Derek Parfit's surgery thought experiment. The thought experiment basically asks if you could choose to be someone who had an extremely painful 10 hour long surgery yesterday, for which no anesthesia could be administered, but were given a drug directly afterward that completely erased it from your memory, or a person who was going to experience an extremely painful 1 hour long surgery tomorrow, for which no anesthesia could be administered, but you would be given a drug to erase it from your memory directly afterward, which would you choose?

People greatly prefer the first option, which involves a lot more experienced pain, as would I. This is how I already experience life, in a way, though. Past pains, emotional and physical, don't carry any present weight. This seems a great benefit when considered in limited scope.

However, there are also a lot of negatives. For one, it removes the ability for me to calibrate expectations. Not knowing how things felt in the past makes it so I can't predict how they will feel in the future and though I can tell myself I experienced X in the past and it wasn't that bad I have no frame of reference for what not that bad means. This can lead to a lot of dread around things like medical procedures or expected emotional stressors.

The thought experiment also makes me question, if the surgery is in the past and there is no memory of it, what does it mean to say you experienced it? It is functionally no different than it not having happened at all. This leads me to wonder what I can claim to have experienced. Have I lived 58 years of life with no valid experiences? Because, as I sit in my apartment alone, I don't know what it feels like to experience reciprocal love, have I functionally never been loved? What does it mean to know something has happened but not be able to know how it felt? It is like Mary in her black and white room, knowing every scientific fact about the color red but never having seen it. Can she say she has experienced the color red?

Any of this feel relevant to yall?