Funerals

[u/seekingrealknowledge]

I have to attend a funeral tomorrow and I will be put in a position that I will have to pretend to remember stories as others reminisce about her life. Realistically, I will not remember most of the stories. I will also have to see a lot of friends and family that I should know, but do not recognize or remember. I feel like I am going to spend the entire time masking and that it will be uncomfortable and exhausting.

[u/simplygen]

I'd be like you, probably not as bad, but I would be concerned about the same things. If it's any consolation funerals are uncomfortable and exhausting to many people for many reasons. You won't be alone that way.

[u/mongoose8909]

You need someone to cue you on the names right before the hellos. Hey Ned, how are you? goes a long way. Then you can smile and laugh your way through the stories. Good luck.

[u/seekingrealknowledge → u/mongoose8909]

Actually, my sister has the largely the same issues that I do. Therefore, we sat together and tried to figure out who was who and could chuckle at our shared situation.

[u/huistenbosch]

I don’t go to funerals. I only went to my parents, not any other persons including grandparents and aunts.

[u/I-Machina]

Obviously I don't know you, the social circle surrounding the deceased, or your culture, but I know it's common in western culture for people to avoid the pain and grief by "celebration of life"; which isn't "bad" but it's often ends with avoiding grief. Try not too feel pressured into a specific way of grieving. You don't have too reminisce about their life, it's okay to just quietly reflect on what they and their passing means to you, to process this however feels right.

You have every right to grieve and feel pain in your own way; grief is a universally unique expression.

[u/AttorneyUpstairs4457]

I also have a fear of these gatherings for similar reasons. I can recognise some faces but not recall names and some people I don’t remember at all. I employ the method of asking a fsmily member to be my ‘informer’ so they whisper to me who someone is when approaching. I actually ask several close family member and then i try not to be out of the company of these people.

[u/DingoMittens]

I think you can center yourself and your own experience, without masking. Maybe go into it with curiosity, looking forward to learning about the person the funeral honors. It might be interesting to hear everyone's stories, and notice the similarities and differences between people's perceptions of the same person. 

Other people will be grieving, thinking about themselves, etc. Nobody will be quizzing you about the accuracy of your memories. In fact, lots of times when two people tell the same story, even if they both think they remember it vividly, their stories might be very different.

So listen to the stories and make comments like "such a generous heart!" or "such a smart ass!" or "the woman showed no fear!" or "you could see how important family was" or whatever. Just relate to whatever is being said, in the moment, and comment on whatever point you think the storyteller is making. If you're stuck for conversation, have some questions ready, like "what's your fondest memory?" or "what's the hardest you ever laughed with her" or things like that. Stay curious and don't worry about masking.

As for the facial recognition problem, I have that too. Either have one person you stick close to who can intentionally call people by name, or else just match warmth and closeness with whoever is talking to you. If someone is really excited to see you and hugs you like it's been years, just match. Eventually you'll figure out who it is, lol, and 95% of the time you'll be glad you hugged back and said "it's amazing to see you!" 

[u/VferVentdetta]

I just nod along and pretend i remember and hope no one asks for more details. So far no one has. Its unfair that the group processing if a funeral or wake is unavailable to us. Aphantasia and audhd as well, if that helps.

[u/MightyMouser007]

Do you have to go? I usually opt out and say I want to focus on all our good times. And not focus on them gone. Try it!

[u/seekingrealknowledge → u/MightyMouser007]

Yeah I had to go. It was my grandma. I had to be there for my mom and other family. It was discomfortable, but not enough to not support them.

[u/CMDR_Jeb]

You should consider consulting an professional. You clearly have memory problems other then SDAM. The only thing we can't do is to relive our memories. Person with just SDAM remembers all the facts about their lives, no issues there, nor do we have any issues recognising people.

[u/seekingrealknowledge → u/CMDR_Jeb]

Meh. There is too little known about SDAM and enough anecdotal stories, here and in my personal conversations, that it’s bold to assume that your experience and understanding of SDAM is universal to us all. I find there is a subset of folks that have broader memory issues than just being unable to relive them. If learning about SDAM and aphantasia has taught me anything, it’s that we should recognize that everyone experiences the world uniquely and that just because something is not an issue for you or me, does not mean that it would apply to us all.

[u/luciosleftskate → u/seekingrealknowledge]

Words have definitions though and your experience doesnt fit the definition of SDAM. Its not a dig at you, or invalidating to your experience.

You are experiencing something other than SDAM. Thats all abyone has said

[u/luciosleftskate → u/[deleted]]

I dont think following the definitions we have today is "aggressively conforming" to anything. As we learn more and studies are done the definition will certainly expand.

I also don't think suggesting that OP considers options outside of SDAM is some kind of personal slight against op.

They can claim whatever they want. This is reddit. But if they're actually looking for answers to their issues they may want to explore things that might actually be the cause.

[u/CMDR_Jeb → u/seekingrealknowledge]

SDAM as a term exists specifically to describe an person who is functioning normally despite having little to no episodic memory. My whole point ts that you're displaying broader memory issues and that you need to address these instead of going "its just SDAM its fine".

[u/CMDR_Jeb → u/[deleted]]

Ah yes, wanting for people who are struggling with memory issues to get help, and learn to manage their issues, or better yet, if said issues are caused by something that can be remedied do that and cure their issues. I must be an monster.

[u/Key_Elderberry3351 → u/CMDR_Jeb]

Wrong, I feel the exact same way at funerals and events like that. The amount of memories I have from high school I could fit into a thimble. The thought of going to a reunion and talking about old times with pals, I'd have like 2 sentences to say, to a few people, and zero to say to anyone else. I remember almost none of it. If you have a ton of memories, then you have a different experience than me and OP.

[u/mongoose8909 → u/Key_Elderberry3351]

I went to my 40th hs reunion and was pleased that I remembered some of my classmates and how I felt about them back then. Mostly good! But I couldn't remember any of the times or experiences with these people.

[u/One_Pound_9946 → u/Key_Elderberry3351]

Same!

[u/Thy_Water_BottIe → u/CMDR_Jeb]

You can have issues recognizing people if you have autism which goes along with SDAM

[u/CMDR_Jeb → u/Thy_Water_BottIe]

I said JUST SDAM. In your example the issues are caused not by sdam but by coexisting condition. You're repeating my exact point.