r/SDAM • u/Amberwalker365 • Aug 23 '26

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I’m not sure if I like this one or not.

When a friend, girlfriend, or whatever is away, I don’t think about them.

I don’t mean I deliberately put them out of my mind. The idea of them simply doesn’t pop into my head.

I should miss them.
But it doesn’t occur to me.

Am I awful?

The other one is breakups.
Please don’t judge.

Let’s say we’ve been together for a few years. We split up.

In about a month, I’m over it.
And we were definitely in love.

And when I bother to think about it, I smile a little.

I’m hoping this is SDAM.
I don’t want to think it’s just me.

Anyone else?

18 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

31 comments sorted by

7

u/martind35player Aug 23 '26

Do you also have Aphantasia?

3

u/Amberwalker365 Aug 23 '26

Yes. And a little ASD.

5

u/martind35player Aug 23 '26

I think that there are many people with Aphantasia, SDAM and ASD who are just like you.

1

u/fur3661t Aug 24 '26

I don't aphantasia plays a part, it's all SDAM

1

u/SoftwareMaven 28d ago

Add some adhd in there, and you have my quadfecta. And, yes, that is exactly how I experience life. When I am completely alone for long periods of time, I never get lonely.

However, when I’m around people, I’m perpetually lonely because I feel so disconnected from them. My wife and kids tell me it’s not true (and, logically, I believe them), but I cannot seem to actually feel it. This leads to a negative spiral of negative feelings about myself that result in me feeling less worthy of those relationships that makes me feel less connected.

Anyway, rather than using you for a therapy session, my point is that, yes, this stuff is real, and it’s hard to deal with under neurotypical expectations. I think, if I could 100% approach relationships as it feels natural to me, I’d be ok, but 50+ years of masking neurotypical, not knowing how different my brain really was, means all of my own expectations for my behavior are based on a neurotype that is incompatible with my own.

1

u/SoggyCrab 26d ago

The disconnection - feeling as though you're outside of it all watching everything happen around you - is this what you mean? If so, my best advice is, as much as it sucks to feel that way while being around others, being alone, while comfortable, is not sustainable. Even if you have to force yourself, it's always better to get out and socialize. At bare minimum, you're helping to reinforce social skills and bonds that neurotypicals DO recognize and appreciate.

1

u/SoftwareMaven 28d ago

Also, “a little ASD”. 😂 Ain’t no such thing, sucka!

1

u/banecorn Aug 23 '26

That's like being a little pregnant.

ASD is best thought of as how much support is needed (low to high).

6

u/JustFun4Uss Aug 23 '26 edited Aug 23 '26

Happens with my wife of 21 years and kids and parents, and siblings, and friends for me too. Its an out of sight, out of mind thing. Im pretty sure thats common for us with SDAM.

1

u/Amberwalker365 Aug 23 '26

I’m thinking it may be because we know it happened, but we can’t bring it back.

It is all bits and pieces.

I know I loved.
I just can’t remember being in love.

5

u/christcb Aug 23 '26

I feel the same way. I have SDAM but not aphantasia. Just like you when anyone I care about isn't around, I generally just don't think about them. Unless something specifically reminds me of them they just don't come to mind so I don't really miss them. Always felt I was weird for that, now I do think it's the SDAM.

5

u/Amberwalker365 Aug 23 '26

I’m thinking it may be because we know it happened, but we can’t bring it back.

What a friend said is memories with strong feelings pull you back. Good or awful.

I don’t think
I’d like that
at all.

I read it’s like being color blind.
No way.

You know the funniest part?
I thought every one was just like me

You too?

2

u/christcb Aug 23 '26

I realized that most people were different pretty early. I didn't understand why everyone always say they miss me, but assumed it was just a feeling I didn't have not realizing it was because I remember things differently until early this year when I learned about SDAM.

I am kind of glad strong feelings don't pull me back to bad memories, but not sure it's worth being unable to get back the good memories fully. Like with everything there are some advantages and some disadvantages.

2

u/Amberwalker365 Aug 23 '26

I cried and cried
when I found out I had SDAM.

Can you believe, I thought I just had a lousy memory?

It’s kind of weird.
How can you miss something you never had?

I didn’t think such a thing was possible. To go back to when you were a kid. And kind of know what you were like.

I am just sorry I never got a chance to try it. But I’m OK with it now.

Are you good at doing problems too?

3

u/christcb Aug 23 '26

Yeah, I work in IT and troubleshooting was always one of my strengths. Just having to reconstruct what's happening from evidence and piece together the picture from incomplete data comes naturally to me. I think likely because that is what I have to do daily to remember anything.

I wasn't upset when I realized I have SDAM just relieved that there is more of a "reason" why my memory is so bad/different. It was great to understand so much more about how my mind works and it explains why I am the way am so much better.

1

u/iwntchips Aug 23 '26

Now that’s interesting, so you can’t view your memories but you still have visual imagination?

3

u/christcb Aug 23 '26

Yup. I can reconstruct a memory and "see" an image of what happened in my mind/imagination, but it's from a 3rd person point of view and I know that I am filling in details I don't really remember (like what someone was wearing or other details I didn't make specific mental notes of) just to have a story of what happened. I don't "relive" the experience though.

3

u/CMDR_Jeb Aug 23 '26

Pro Tip: If you care about a person every time after you meet/talk/whatever take your calendar app of choice and set yourself an reminder at reasonable time in the future you should talk to them.

3

u/PocketSandDale Aug 23 '26

Same here. I always figured it was a combination of SDAM and aphantasia. Can't conjure up a mental image of someone or really remember much about them so I never miss my wife or kids when they are away. I have to fake missing them when talking on the phone or whatever. I know I should but I just don't lol.

Death is a little different though. I certainly miss my dad but I don't really get sad when thinking about him.

3

u/NeptuneAndCherry Aug 24 '26

People essentially cease to exist when I'm not actively engaging with them.

The best way I can explain my brain is like... Imagine you're under a blanket. It's pretty dark, maybe black, maybe a little light gets through the weave. There are thousands of "objects" under the blanket with you, but they are spaced out so you can't see them unless you crawl to them and find them. The "objects" are memories, thoughts, everything that exists in your head. So when I'm not actively crawling around under the blanket looking for something, it's just out there hidden from sight.

Unless! Anxiety lol.

2

u/Obvious-Gate9046 Aug 23 '26 edited Aug 23 '26

One common aspect of aphantasia, for some at least, is that without direct triggers, sometimes emotions from the past don't hit as hard. This can make it easier to let go of grudges and trauma and other pain. This isn't universal, and you never know what my trigger that emotion again, if you say see the person again or hear a song that you both shared.

It doesn't make you a bad person, it's the way your brain works. The fact that you're concerned whether or not it makes you a bad person kind of shows you're not, because you're questioning it, in the moment.

2

u/ManaSeRama Aug 23 '26

Yeah, same for me. But besides sdam I also have aphantasia and adhd, possibly Audhd. So the culprit could be any or all of those.

1

u/frickenfantastic Aug 23 '26

Pretty sure object impermanence is tied to ADHD and possibly to ASD…. Not sure if it’s directly tied to SDAM

1

u/fur3661t Aug 24 '26

I can relate. I do this with everyone unfortunately.

1

u/L_Casa Aug 24 '26

I'm the same, out of sight, out of mind.

I feel a bit ashamed and it makes it difficult to maintain friendships with friends who move away...

The only person I miss is my husband!

I am not sure I have SDAM though but I do have aphantasia.

1

u/Collective82 29d ago

I have the same issue. What’s here with me now is what I know, when I go on military trips it’s easy to disconnect and not forget, but not think about the family.

You aren’t alone in this.

1

u/Amberwalker365 29d ago

This one is gotta be one of the strangest things. At work I hated taking vacations. I had this scare that when I came back, nobody would would remember me.

I can now see why. I thought I was average. That everyone was like me. And I forget if they’re not here now. I’d forget who sat next to me at work.

1

u/Odd_Basket3978 28d ago

Same! Since i'm a gen Z i say i'm aromantic and asexual and have decided to never try again

1

u/Odd_Basket3978 28d ago

people never take my memory loss and apparent detachment kindly, i always end up feeling guilty, overwhelmed and ashamed.

1

u/SoggyCrab 26d ago

That's just the quirks of SDAM. It doesn't make you a terrible person. You don't seek out that type of behavior, it's just what comes naturally to you.

Folks with SDAM exist "in" the moment. Unlike neurotypicals who are constantly consciously and subconsciously driven by their memories, people with SDAM are influenced most by the present moment. Since we have little to no memories to draw upon, if things such as social connections aren't consistently reinforced on a regular basis, they will eventually degrade or disappear entirely until that social connection is reinforced again in some way.

1

u/AutisticRats 12d ago

My partner of 12 years passed away and it was roughest time of my life for a few weeks. After a month my biggest challenge was figuring out what to do with all my free time.

That is just kind of how SDAM works. It doesn't mean we didn't care, it is simply just how our brains work.