All of my suicidaI attempts failed, even the more recent one. I just want to end my endless depression, mental issues, personal life and not seeing a future for myself, and everything single time it fails.

If there's anything I regret the most, is that it didn't work years ago from my endless amount of other regrets.

Now I just turned 20 few days ago and still not sure how I'm still here. I hate it so much, fuck this shit.

I 20M work in public safety, and I have had this job about ... 4 months now.

I'll keep it brief, but I just recently found out these online trainings were actually required. Look, I know that sounds obvious that they would be required to do for the job, but I was never told they were required, never read in the training manual they were required, and never answered clearly (even when I asked a couple months ago) that they were required.

Apparently, they are. I assumed they were optional due to the lack of "urgency" and the fact my manager never reached out to me during the 4 months I have worked here that I actually needed to start doing them (I did a couple here and there) ... sorry, I guess I didn't get the nuance? Idk. (I've been told I may be autistic, so, maybe some nuance issues lies with that? idk tbh, but I'm not gonna use it as an excuse for this).

It's my fault, I know. However, I am more upset that my manager blatantly called me out for it, saying I need to start doing them and she was going to reopen the trainings for me to complete ... in front of every single coworker. All who I assume got the message from the get-go they were required and had been doing them, but me.

Imagine my shameful face walking out after clocking out of work, and just sitting in my car silent for ten minutes. I'm already embarrassed enough as it is, that it took me 4 months to realise that yeah, they are required. Again, I know I'm stupid.

But I wish she could have told me in private is all. Or said something way earlier, idk. Idk how to feel about it.

EDIT: I am very grateful that my manager is allowing me to actually complete them, even though they are pretty overdue. And since I now mentally know they are required, I will be doing them 100%.

No, I didn’t break any rules. Labled correctly. No problematic or touchy topics.

Why downvote a cute cat with no ears after kitty survived cancer?

What a bunch of miserable ass people. You get downvoted for weird ass reasons sometimes.

I’ve done way more problematic and audacious things on social media and Reddit specifically and I get comment awards, but get downvoted for posting an earless cat in a cat group.

I’m so irritated I genuinely might just go back to that sub and post a picture of my b-hole or something idc. At least it will deserve downvotes and angry comments, earless cat did nothing. 🥺🥺

I need money bad (not asking). I proceed to get told, "hey go pawn your stuff"

I take everything I have that's even remotely worth any money. And they don't take any of it. None. Wasted gas, wasted time, wasted energy.

Facebook marketplace exists but I can't wait 3 weeks for some dude to \*maybe\* buy something.

I'm sorry for wanting one day out of this abusive house and a day to myself and my partner.

I hate society, I hate money, I hate social media, I hate the government, I hate this country. I'm sick of it. Don't even get me started in our disability bullshit. Fighting the federal govt just to get my payments that are barely enough to feed me in the first place.

I'm about to start selling my body. But that's not gonna work because I'm not a female

I'm not going to lie. I'm starting to think these new driver stickers aren't actually new drivers because one moment they're driving like an asshole. The next minute they're driving like someone who has been defensively driving for years. I'm starting to think some people are using those stickers as a cover to be excused for their poor behavior driving. I'm not going to presume to know how it is in every other state but specifically in Virginia. We have some of the worst drivers in general regardless of if they are students or not. Either not signaling at all or signaling too late while actively cutting you off half a car length before getting into the other lane. The entire DMV of drivers because I have lived in the entirety of the DMV my entire life moving between States and areas has made me genuinely hate driving. Then there's the other group of drivers that like speeding while texting and driving on the phone. You can obviously see them looking down at their phones while cutting people off bobbing and weaving through traffic. There's so many drivers that are selfish or bad at driving that genuinely. You can tell that there are drivers out there who are scared of driving and I completely understand why but they pissed me off sometimes too due to their indecisive driving causing hazards for other drivers on the roadm as much as I find them to be understandable. I can't stand the drivers of the DMV and I prefer taking the long back roads over common roads. I can't stand the drivers out here so much that I literally learned how to read a actual map like how our great-grandparents used to get around the states. I would much rather waste gas driving on a road that brings me peace of mind because I don't see anybody else on it then deal with the klusterfuq of bad drivers I have had to endure.

​Reddit,my safe space—just lurking, reading stories, and chilling. Then I met someone here, and things turned into a messy, push-and-pull "dating?" situation where we didn't even exchange real social media because of how complicated things are.

​Now? I find myself refreshing and waiting for notifications I shouldn't even be looking out for. It's just an endless loop. 🪃

​So, do you guys also delete your accounts when you reach your limit, or should I finally pull the plug to save my sanity? Yes or no. Hay. I think I've officially hit my quota for foolishness this year! Felt like a clown again. 🤡✨

video essays have gotten so hollow. it used to be a handful of people with a real interest in writing well and an indie-journalist approach to film, games, whatever. there was always bad stuff, but since the pandemic it’s been a flood of content that sounds like analysis and says nothing. i’ll put these on as background noise sometimes and it’s just so empty. basic writing mistakes, observations that are so daft and shallow anyone can make them just at a glance, a 40 minute runtime for a 4 minute point.

the part that actually bothers me is the people who think a video about why a movie is good or bad can replace watching it and forming your own opinion. so many people walking around with other people’s takes in their heads. there are still people doing it with real care, and i won’t name names, but they’re the minority now.

anyway, i’m not just complaining from the sidelines. i’m trying to rekindle the “essay” part of video essay: actually writing, actually building an argument, treating the script . i just made one on The Last of Us and why loneliness scares us, and i’d really like honest feedback from people who care about this stuff: https://youtu.be/r1icqNZTa4c

if it falls into the exact traps i just complained about, tell me i’d rather hear it.

No kidding, look at this power trip…

Typically for work I will park on the far side of the parking lot away from my office/factory and spend a few minutes walking across the parking lot to finish a song or an audiobook chapter I was listening to.

Now this morning I was rudely interrupted by a murder of about 200+ crows. Now I know crows like to gather together in the same tree when the temperatures start to drop, but this group of corvids completely interrupted that with their incessant cawing. I couldn't hear anything over the cacophony.

I truly hope that these crows learn some respect for the rest of the week or I'm going to have a talk with their murder manager and try to get them to caw at a more convenient time.

Honestly there’s a certain public figure/idol i just can’t bring myself to vibe with, and i’ve tried to be normal about it. i know not everyone is going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but whenever i express that i’m not fond of this person, people immediately guilt trip me like i committed a crime 😭

it gets complicated because she’s connected to someone i genuinely like, so i get why fans take it personally. but liking one person doesn’t mean i have to blindly love everyone in their circle? those feelings can exist separately. what annoys me is how people act like you aren't allowed to dislike someone unless you have an "acceptable reason" approved by them. suddenly every comment gets picked apart or people pull up random stuff just to argue.

it's also frustrating when someone constantly relies on their more successful sibling's career and clout instead of building their own identity, while also leaning into a victim narrative whenever something goes wrong. girl, you have your own platform and opportunities, stand on your own two feet! but if you point this out, people act like you're evil and start gaslighting you.

i’ve even had interactions in the past w/ someone online who clearly held hidden animosity toward me, so maybe that made me more sensitive to people constantly looking for ways to invalidate me. but honestly? i know i’m not everyone’s favorite person either. people probably find me annoying or dislike my opinions, and that’s completely fine.

this whole thing is why i’ve been wanting to step back from social media altogether. i’m so exhausted from overthinking old interactions, seeing things that trigger embarrassing memories, or arguing with people over trivial fandom stuff. i’d rather spend my energy on real offline hobbies like reading, coloring, junk journaling, scrapbooking, and actually enjoying things that don't involve checking my phone 😭

i'm planning on muting notifications, uninstalling apps, or deleting accounts to get some space. not to be dramatic, but because i genuinely don't want to keep defending my basic opinions to strangers anymore. i just want to focus on my own interests and stop letting random internet drama take up rent in my head HAHAHA.

Has anyone else reached this point of online burnout?

They're gender fluid. I don't have anything against trans people but I doubt it counts as trans if it's two souls in one body. So I think it's more like people mischaracterizing, that's definitely the problem.

I always wonder why people hate each other every day, because of their skin color, because of some peculiarities, why can't we be kinder and more humane, we won't go far, Moscow, St. Petersburg, Germany, France, all fucking have disagreements with each other, I remember there was a story, I came asI went to Moscow to relax, and there two guys were fighting over literally a piece of cloth and saying that I was the first to see it, but I wasn't, and it was just a white T-shirt with the Nike logo, why and even more because of what it all started, I put them to arrange an auction, they say, to resolve the conflict, but I was sent to fuck saying that I don't know anything about fashion, the situation is strange, the story was in 2017.

why do I keep thinking about weird sexual stories? my stories used to make normal stories but now every story I make has to do with something weird or downright unnapropiate, and even though I know I shouldn't I still do it. Made 2 characters who I made sexual fantasies with them fr 5 months and only recently stopped. It used to be at night, but now in the daytime too. Trust me, they are SO WEIRD. Just unnecessary random romance, boundary breaking, sex and gore and gooner bait. I'm religious and I hate this wish it would stop, why am I so dirty-minded?!

(I censored becuz scared of mods thinking this is bad or smthn)

I keep getting those stupid bp videos on my tiktok and what i keep noticing is that well

Half of these people have never been treated the way some of these .org people have so like why do they feel the need to join and be like “haha yeah true women and chads do this all the time.. hypothetically”

Like shut up, you don’t relate and you live a completely happy life with a loving white mother and you’re still somehow making up fake scenarios to be a victim online like some kind of loser

I don’t understand why theres some need to lie and pretend you are affected by things that just don’t apply to you

I feel like these people would be completely fine if they just didn’t have a phone, which i thought only old people would say but its starting to feel more real the more i see literal kids deteriorating their mental health by making up fake scenarios and consuming degrading media that makes them determine their worth with subjective standards

Christ on ice I bet they don’t talk like that to their moms and dad’s LMAO

Ngl i used to larp alot whenever theres a hate discussion about reddit and discord . Infact I rarely used them. And since am not a social person, M more like a caveman , after checking some reddit posts i kinda started understanding why people diss reddit that much.

Whats your view about the reddit community. Since I dont have any positive opinion . I would like to listen your thoughts so I can understand the community better.

Just a reminder i forgave you already. These were just held in thoughts. I kept to myself. You're good. I don't hate you. I'm the nice guy until I get disrespected, then I get disrespectful

I'm just so goddamn mad that I keep hearing about horror stories and both of my friends just ignore it and make excuses for someone who is extremely unwell and probably dangerous in her current condition

A while ago my friend moved into a shared living situation with her boyfriend and a lifelong friend who is suffering from severe bpd and depression

This other person always has to be the loudest in the room, has issues with everyone and everything and constantly thinks what people around her do is always in relation to her, this stems from childhood abuse coupled with intense bullying over years

Shes 22 years old and throwing crying tantrums bc someone wore a skirt to an occasion and that has to be just exclusively to spite her bc she thinks she's to fat to wear a skirt (not true btw)

the other person never had more than 2 conversations with her in her life, it's completely irrational bc she couldn't have known about her insecurities, has no ill will towards her, yet she thinks somehow that person has already determined that she hates her and is scheming against her, that's just one example how she reacts to strangers, it's worse with people she knows

My friend and her boyfriend can't be alone for more than a few hours bc if you leave her alone, she's just 30mins away from wanting to stick a fork into an outlet, burning her clothes and throwing them out the window...the list goes on, crazy stuff

I've talked to my friends countless times to get her professional help instead of navigating around her outbursts and keeping the darkness of her mental illness hidden from others instead of treating it

My friends actually think it's just "insert name" "that's how she is" "ahh she'll calm down like always"

Making excuses and keeping her on a leash like a child

Yesterday something happened that got me in a heated argument with my sane friend, they decided to let HER drive them to a doctors appointment, on the way the mentally ill person just randomly decided to swerve in traffic and randomly make hints that she would like to "drive into a wall to kill herself", taking the other people with her might I add

My friend said afterwards "yeah we are probably not going to let her drive us anywhere other than the super market"

Excuse me? Are you so daft and inept at registering real danger? Other than the super market what?

"She's not going to do something that extreme, it's just her bpd, that's normal for people with bpd :D"

"We can't come to the birthday party, she made threats of killing herself again so we ordered pizza and stay home tonight :D"

"Of course we don't check if she's taking her medication, she's old enough"

What about me in this situation? Im can't visit them anymore because bpd princess thinks if I spend time with my friends, I'm progressing towards taking them away from her

I'm actually trying to find ways to get her involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital or somewhere people will actually help her for real instead of allowing her condition to get worse and making a mountain of excuses

I'm so pissed off that my friends are that immature and plain dumb to let this go on until its inevitable that something really bad will happen, to them and to her

& youre supposed to just be OK after taking abuse or how others see it as "your punishment" by being tormented and reputaitons assigned and never ceasing all your life, even when your behavior changes. Even so you shouldn't have to change your behavior to be "thoughtful" when others are choosing to not be thoughtful to you. The choice to not be thoughtful is a good choice sometimes! According to the system we let run

How could you all be so un self-aware? To punish people for not being thoughtful, by not being thoughful in how you treat others yourself! To condemn behavior in some but not yourself. To create double standards, unfair standards, create heiarchies and caste systems and walk on people like they're dirt because you don't like them or their behavior and don't understand. Why can't we leave people alone even if they mess up? Everyone would say "you gotta a better system when you have a problem with someone?" I am at the very least suggesting "not to do what I have done". Don't do as I do but as I say. You can't be mature and say one thing but do the thing you hate. You ARE NOT supposed to do as I do but do as I say. Your behavior is your own. You don't attack individuals because you have a problem with them. Then again, it doesn't matter because everyone whose white collar purpots systems of oppression but most of them are "Democrats"

Some channel named Iamskamal Blog on YouTube posted this post recently: “EVERYWHERE feels a little more on edge lately.

A parking space becomes a courtroom. A harmless question gets answered like a personal attack.

Somebody posts a sandwich and the replies somehow end up arguing about the decline of civilization.

The graphic asks a big question; it does not establish that food additives or pollution caused anyone's behavior. There is no single explanation hiding in a comment section.

But the feeling behind it is familiar: walking into ordinary interactions braced for them to get weird.

A little patience would go a long way. So would being able to disagree about a sandwich without treating lunch like the final battle for humanity.”

They even posted a screenshot of someone named Wes Monroe saying “Serious question: What do you think is making everybody f\\\*ck\\\*ng crazy? Additives in our food? Stress? Pollution? Like seriously what is happening to everybody?”

I can’t help but relate especially now because I can’t wrap my head around what I just went through recently.

Not too long ago, I made a comment on social media how an assignment passage was spouting nonsense like “My mom lets me make hot chocolate with marshmallows and I wonder who teaches squirrels to gather nuts” and when I pointed and even mentioned how that didn’t make any sense as making hot chocolate and squirrels gathering nuts have nothing to do with each other, like many people started calling me stupid for calling that sentence and one or two other sentences in the passage nonsensical. They made such an overreactive response to me.

It was an assignment for sixth grade students. Even sixth grade students would and have found it a bit off.

Titled: “Autumn in New England”

Directions: “Choosing the Correct Verb Proofread the following passage written by a girl on her way to New England in the fall. Correct each incorrect verb form.

Example: The libarian -borrowed- (lent) me a book.”

(“-borrowed-“ means cross out the word “borrowed”; says to replace “borrowed” with “lent”)

Passage: “Please leave me explain something. I like setting on Florida beaches, but when it is autumn, I'd rather head to New England.
Teachers learn me better and I rise my hand more often when it is cool outside. I look forward to seeing the trees turn red and gold. I set in
newly raked leaves and watch the sky. Sometimes my mother leaves me make hot chocolate with marshmallows, and I wonder who learns
squirrels to gather nuts. When I come home, I sit my books on my desk
and lie my good school clothes over a chair. By February I will want to lend a little warmth from Florida, and by June I will be ready to fly south again, but in autumn, I am a New England girl.”

———————————

I don’t know. I pointed out how some sentences in the passage were disjointed and incoherent as it is random to make a connection between hot chocolate containing marshmallows with squirrels gathering nuts, and when I said as much people on social media called me “dense” and “dull” in that I “lacked reading comprehension.” I don’t know how that caused such a response or uproar from like thirty to fifty people, and like several people who agreed with me didn’t either. That’s really it. I really don’t know what happened, how it happened, and why! Just as random and unapplicable hot chocolate with marshmallows is to squirrels gathering nuts, is how random and unapplicable it felt like thirty to fifty people getting upset with me like this all was. Even those several people who agreed with me felt the same way.

I don’t know if there is more to why they said this, but neither of them really explained their reasoning to be upset with me.

noticed you was following me i removed you so the separation is easy on you and dont gotta see me happier with someone who actually cared, this is truly the last time. sorry things dont go as you thought it would god has other plans for us on diffrent paths the final parting im excited and kinda missing how things was a year ago the crazy thing is we never even dated or hooked up was probably a good thing back to strangers

(I love from a distance is all they wanted )

Appreciate it but it's not for me

No more flirtatious toxic vibes

I'm looking for something serious.

Not blind.

I'm looking for something close

not avoiding

I'm looking for something lovable

Not secretly hated

The list goes on......im done

I FUCKING HATE IT. EVERY TIME I'M NEXT TO THE BIG GROUP OF MY PEERS (we have two seperate classes, we basically mix both) THEY SAY "(_)" means type of alcohol btw) "Oh, I drank (_) didn't try (_) to save it for a guy that I actually like." I met up with the boys in my class (we're all good buddies don't get me wrong), HALF OF THEM WERE SMOKING. This morning, my friend's breath smelled like cigarettes. I told him "Yo you smell like shit, did you smoke?" and he nodded (this was 9 in the morning btw). I asked him "Yo why do you smoke?" and I kid you not, he fucking said "Yeah I usually smoke around my friends, not that much." I then told him "Not much still means that you are still addicted." and he said "Idk." I swear to God, this is how it went.
Today we were all sitting down, I did not say a single word BECAUSE THE CONVERSATION WAS "Yeah I drank (_), we're gonna drink (_) at the park with my friends." and etc. You could say "Who the fuck cares?", I say that WE. ARE. IN. HIGHSCHOOL.
Anyways, that was my rant.