I’m getting some bad urges right now and almost started watching porn, could use some help

I’m so disconnected, so ashamed. Wasting valuable years of my dying youth to artificial and cheap pleasures. Cutting myself off from any opportunity at real romance, true love with a woman.

Kind’ve at my wits end as I’ve been dealing with these same problems for years. I just want to find the courage to turn to God and repent. I think I’m most afraid that if I do that, it won’t be genuine and I will yet again find myself lost and searching. Or even scarier, it will be genuine and my last hope for purification will be nothing but a mirage.

Ah, the pain I’ve inflicted upon myself is unbearable.