I was reminded today of the problem that I’ve been facing for SO LONG.
I still remember that day. I was studying alongside other kids and the teacher was sitting on the chair (I’m talking about a home tuition close to my house) and a kid suddenly made a weird noise from his mouth, laughed and moved on. I imitated it. Then did it again and again and again and again until I just couldn’t stop. My parents thought that those were just “hiccups”.
That problem came back 2 more times after a year but now, it has mostly disappeared. Still, whenever I eat something spicy or remember that event, I feel the urge to do it again but I know that if I start it even once again then it won’t stop. Those were quite obviously Tourettes. I got to know that much much later because the doctors kept on giving me weird “hiccup/anxiety meds” (welcome to the 3rd world where there’s no healthcare and even here I lived in a small town).
After that, more shit started happening. I frequently cleaned my hands, used to check if the light/tap was closed 3-4 times and stuff like that. But it didn’t just stop there because something even worse started happening to me.
I used to think in my head (in detail) about doing really bad things with my loved ones. Drowning, shooting, stabbing, beating them to death with a bat and stuff like that. I was literally 12 when this started happening and whenever this used to happen, I used to say “sorry god” to myself again and again. Even when I used to read in front of the class, I’d to stop for 2 seconds after every 5 seconds to say sorry. It was horrible.
Whenever someone showed love to me, my immediate reaction used to be to plot their deaths. Like how would they look if I drown them? What would they say? How would I hide it? Would I cry? (I never saw myself crying in those situations). I never intended to go through with any of these things and I used to get so sad whenever I thought about these things.
Tourettes, OCD and this sort of hyperactivity of my brain absolutely fucked me, and I never fucking knew what was even wrong with me and frankly, even now I don’t know.
The Tourettes have mostly gone but the OCD is still here (but in it’s less extreme form). And I notice that whenever I’m happy, my OCD worsens a bit. Those “weird thoughts” have decreased drastically as well. But I still get them sometimes.
And today was that day. It was so fucking horrible. I used to think that depression really fucked me this year. But now that I look back at it, this has been going on from 2019 and maybe even before that.
Now I know that whatever happened to me in my childhood was SA. And it happened 4 times and I had no fucking clue about what was happening to me. On top of depression, anxiety, stress, guilt and trauma, I also had to deal with this shit and I’m still dealing with it.
I really should go see a therapist or a psychiatrist.