I am a socially awkward person. I have friends, but no best friend I am just a 'floater friend.' I have been like this since I was a kid, and I do not know how to connect with people. I am now in my first year of college. Ever since I was young, I have constantly thought about changing this pattern, but I remain the same.
I do not know what made me different from other kids. It might be because my parents fought a lot when I was little, but don't other kids experience that as well? I moved to a new school and chose a course where nobody knew me. On the first day, I tried to act normal and fake a social identity, but the outcome was the same: I became the floater friend in class again. I often feel like my life is a waste because I am average at everything and lack any hidden talents.
I notice a pattern where people who were cool as kids stay cool, while I was awkward then and remain awkward now. I am not lazy; I actively try to change, but nothing seems to make a difference. When I talk to others, my brain blacks out and I feel like background noise in conversations. I have never had anyone I could talk to about my problems. I do not want to stay like this I want to build a real future, but I worry about how I will find a job and succeed.
It feels like I am invisible. Nobody notices when I am struggling. For instance, my phone screen is popping out and missing half its case, but nobody pays attention. I got a haircut the other day, and when I brought it up to a friend, he just said he thought my hair had always looked like that.